Text A
Arranged Marriages
The concept of arranged marriage may sound impractical to the Western world, but in
India, it is a usual norm. No matter how westernized India may have become,
arranged marriages are still viewed as the most preferred choice in the Indian
families. This kind of marriage has its roots laid to the time, when the ritual of child
marriage prevailed in the country. Child marriage was essentially performed, so as to
restrict the children from marrying outside their community and social status. The
practice was essentially a way of uniting and maintaining the difference between the
rich upper class society and the poor lower class society. This practice of caste
system gave rise to the concept of arranged marriages.
Earlier, an arranged marriage in India was seen as a way of promoting caste system
or racism. It was just a tool for the upper caste people to protect their community and
to maintain their social status. As such, they married their children to the person of
the same caste or same social background. The practice eventually passed on to the
lower caste as well, where it is used for the same purpose. The rituals and customs
of arranged marriages in India vary depending on the caste and religion of the
people. The system, though very old, still is one of the most prevalent practices
performed and has today, become synonymous with the Indian society and culture.
The only difference with the yesteryears is that it is less rigid than that practiced in
the past.
Pros & Cons Of Arranged Marriage
Talking about arranged marriage, there are many pros and cons that are associated
with it. One of the positive aspects about arranged marriages is that it gives the
parents utmost control over family matters and members. Since they are the ones
who would decide on the prospective bride and groom, they would get someone, who
is the best for their son/daughter. On the other side, arranged marriages are seen as
a medium to promote racism and class system. Also, they have proved to be the best
medium to take dowry. Over the years, arranged marriages have posed to be more
like a trade than a social custom. People find it an easy medium to make money.
While the above negative aspects can still be dealt with, one of the most crucial
drawbacks of arranged marriage is that the boy and the girl do not know each other.
Two unknown people get married without knowing and understanding each other, as
according to the concept, it is not important to know your partner before marriage. As
such, chances of not gelling well with the partner are very high. If either of them
thinks absolutely contradictorily to what the other believes in, there would hardly be a
mutual level of understanding between the two and life would be merely a
compromise for the two. The only way an arranged marriage can succeed is through
acceptance. One has to accept the other the way he/she is and look for striking a
mutual level of understanding.
Present Scenario
Progressively, the concept of arranged marriage has changed considerably. Today,
parents are concerned about the life of their child and take the consent of their kid,
before deciding the marriage. Over the time, people have understood that marriages
can only be successful when the parents do not force their children to marry
someone he/she doesn't want to marry. Good arranged marriages happen when the
parents support and help their children to find their life partners according to their
desires and likings. Mutual consent and understanding are the only ways a marriage
can sustain.
From: http://weddings.iloveindia.com/features/arranged-marriages.html
Text B
ESCAPING A FORCED MARRIAGE
The tradition of forced marriages is becoming a growing
threat for many British women of South Asian origin.
Inside Out follow a Derby woman who escaped a forced
marriage as she travels to India for the first time.
Jasvinder Sanghera arrives to the country she would once
have called home had she not escaped a forced marriage.
Her parents left India in the fifties and even though Jasvinder
was born in Derby, her parents wanted her, like all their
daughters, to marry an Indian man.
Her seven sisters all went through with their arranged
marriages, three of them travelled to India at the age of 16
and 17.
Jasvinder sees the reality of forced
marriages in India and Pakistan
When Jasvinder was 15 and in her final year of school, her parents showed her a photo of man, saying that was
the man she would marry within two weeks.
Jasvinder refused, but her parents continued to plan the wedding. Her family kept Jasvinder locked in the
bedroom, until one day, she ran away.
"I saw a window of opportunity. The door was open and I just ran out the front door."
Disowned by her parents
Following her escape, Jasvinder spent her teens sleeping rough on the streets. She pleaded with her parents to let
her return home, but they said that in their eyes "she was dead".
"In the community's eyes and in my family's eyes, because I had done
something dishonourable to them, I am a woman that has no honour. I do.
I have self-respect."
Many Indian families living in the UK still live very much by Indian
traditions and practices.
The impact on British Asian women is something Jasvinder sees every day
in her work with the Karma Nirvana refuge in Derby.
"What happens here (in India) impacts on us in England. We see women
fleeing forced marriages.
"We see women feeling suicidal, self-harming because of issues of honour
and shame."
Because of these pressures, few women have the strength to stand up
against the forced marriages in the way that Jasvinder did.
Jasvinder stands outside the
house she escaped from
Yasmin is one of the women who did contact Jasvinder.
Her parents took her to Pakistan for what Yasmin was told to be a family
holiday.
Waiting in Pakistan was the man Yasmin's parents had planned for her to
marry.
"I was scared, frightened. My parents told me I had no choice. They took
my passport off me and said, "you'll stay here forever until you do this".
So I went through with the wedding."
This happened four years ago when Yasmin was 17 years old. She is now
divorced and living in a refuge where her parents won't be able to find her.
Knowing where to turn to
Following a forced marriage,
this young woman has gone
into hiding from her family
The majority of forced marriages take place in Pakistan, but it is the
British High Commission in India that have seen a doubling of cases in the last five years.
Jasvinder meets up with them to discuss ways how to reach more women.
Susan Wilson is the vice-consul at the British High Commission in India and meets more and more British
women forced into marriages abroad.
"So many people have said to us "I didn't know I could come to the British High Commission", which makes me
think there must be many more cases we can help.
"If the number of cases increases, we have been given the resources to expand to include a shelter here where the
women could go."
Working with crimes against women, the Dehli police force hosts a small
team of offic
ers that respond to complaints of sexual abuse, domestic violence and
attempted murder.
It's a small operation, one small unit covers the whole of the city.
Jasvinder follows the team as they respond to a call they got two hours
earlier.
A burned woman is taken to hospital by her mother-in-law. It's not sure
whether it is a domestic abuse case or not.
After having met the woman, Inspector Veera Shama says that the woman's
dress caught fire when she was preparing milk.
The Indian police force tend to
"Sometimes there's some domestic violence. Some are accidental like this. It make excuses for domestic
was not pre-planned"
abuse
Jasvinder has her doubts, refusing to believe the authorities are doing their best to protect this woman and with
whether this woman really will be able to tell the truth in front of her mother-in-law.
Same kind of refuge - completely different aims
Jasvinder concludes her visit in Indian with a visit to a refuge, which reminds her about the work Karma Nirvana
does back home in Derby.
The women here go through the same experiences as the Asian women
back in the UK, they worry about the same issues, have the same fears
about domestic abuse and exclusion from the community.
But the advice given to the women here in India is very different from the
Derby refuge.
The women in India are taught skills to help them find work and rebuild
their lives, although they are also encouraged to reconcile with their
families rather than strive for independence.
Jasvinder is surprised to hear the advice given. But she is also aware of the
cultural differences between India and the UK.
"India's opened my eyes on another level because the women here are
second-class citizens, same as the Asian women I see in England.
"But in England, I would say we are scratching the surface and it's far
worse because we don't actually see it. The difference here, I can see it
visibly."
These Indian women are
beading necklaces as part of
their stay in the refuge
http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/eastmidlands/series6/forced_marriages.shtml
Text C
From The Times
October 16, 2008
Arranged marriages: a new trend for Western women to find Mr
Right?
Arranged marriages: a new trend for Western women to find Mr Right?
In an age of uncertainty, women need an alternative to the Western style of
selecting a marriage partner, the author Reva Seth argues
Reva Seth knows that the story of her marriage sounds horribly calculating, but
it wasn't at all, she insists. What? Even though she identified the characteristics
of her prospective husband, meticulously attended every one of a colleague's
parties until she found someone who matched, and got engaged at their seventh
meeting?
“I wanted someone who had a similar education background to me and who was
interested in politics,” she explains. “It was more a recognition that this girl I
knew tended to have a large network of friends that would fit.”
And one night, there the husband was, although Seth insists there were no
thunderbolts. “I was genuinely attracted to him. As we started talking I could tell
he was involved in lots of things that interested me, and I got a sense that he
could be a person I could fall in love with.”
Was she in love with him when they got engaged? “You know what, no, I
wasn't,” she says brightly. “I don't think we'd spent enough time together to fall
in love. But I knew I would. I had a strong sense that this was what I was
looking for.”
Five years later, Seth, now 32, is happily married with a two-year-old son, and
has become an advocate of the principles of arranged marriage, which she
suggests her own experience reflects. This does not mean that she supports the
kind of marriage in which the parties are left without choice about whom they
marry. Rather she believes that common backgrounds and shared values - which
underpin the Asian tradition of arranged marriage - are more likely to lead to an
enduring relationship than the chance meeting promoted so enticingly by
Hollywood and a culture that clings to the notion of spontaneous romantic love.
Certainly the notion of marriage as a celebration of romantic love is a relatively
new phenomenon that has been around for only 500 years. But why should we
ditch it? What Seth argues in her book, First Comes Marriage, is that if you
build the components of a marriage with care, love will grow. She cites her own
parents, whose marriage was arranged in India and who have been together for
33 years, and she has developed her case by talking to more than 300 women
whose marriages were arranged. According to Seth, the divorce rate for such
unions is between 5 and 7 per cent (compared with a 40 per cent failure rate in
the UK) and a 2005 study showed that over time couples in arranged marriages
report high levels of happiness and satisfaction.
Her starting point is that there is plenty of evidence that young Western women
need help, largely in their catalogues of broken relationships. In seeking instant
gratification they are inclined to mistake lust for love and, in spite of decades of
feminism, they read a lot of chick-lit and still believe that their knight in shining
armour is around the corner. At the same time, because of those decades of
feminism, they are a demanding lot, accustomed to achieving their goals and
don't take easily to compromise.
“Their expectations are high and that makes it hard to feel happy,” Seth says.
“We just fall into relationships without stopping to think about what we're
looking for or why we want it. Even when we find one that seems right, our
expectations are unrealistic.
“The myth of rescue is still out there - he can take us away from whatever
frustrates us and we cling to the idea that a relationship should just happen, that
we shouldn't have to work at it. And as modern women, we're used to having
what we want and we regard this incredible relationship as our right.”
Seth admits that she had made mistakes before she decided to take the strategic
and proactive approach that she recommends. “Arranged marriages are primarily
about fostering commitment and building a marriage out of that,” she says. “Not
about fun or excitement or sexual chemistry. It's about finding people who have
similar backgrounds on the basis that they should have common goals for the
future and an understanding of where the other person is coming from.”
To this end Seth suggests that women seeking a partner consider what she calls
their “marriage musts”, by which she means a set of criteria that define the
generic prospective partner. She is not talking about a husband's height or sex
appeal, but his values, his lifestyle choices, his qualities. Having moved across
continents while she was growing up, she understood that this had shaped her
life and wanted to marry someone who had also lived outside Toronto, where
she is based, but who shared her interest in the Canadian political process. Once
she had identified her musts it became easier to recognise someone who might
be husband material, and she stresses that she regards the notion that there is one
perfect mate out there for each of us as misguided.
“What's important is pausing to think about what you want from a relationship.
Before, I thought I would know it when I found it, and I wasn't even sure what I
was looking for. Once I made the list it wasn't at the forefront of my mind, but I
was aware of it, and I was tired of relationships that hadn't gone anywhere. I
don't think there is a ‘One', that idea is very dangerous - what if you've missed
him, or it doesn't work out? I think Rana and I are very good together and we're
very much in love, but I do believe that there are other people who could also be
right.”
Her other key point is that marriages that work are those where there is no
assumption that your partner will satisfy every need and desire. Don't expect
your husband to fulfil all your emotional needs and to be your best friend - that
isn't necessary, she says.
One group of women she spoke to, who had had arranged marriages, were
alpha-type New Yorkers in their late thirties and she noticed too that they didn't
look to their partners so much for their happiness. “In Western culture there's an
obligation for your partner to provide all your social and emotional needs,” she
says. “In the landscape of arranged marriage there is an extended group that
takes the pressure off this one man being able to provide everything.”
The women she spoke to were calm and positive about their relationships, she
reports; they didn't complain. “They were able to have this sense of contentment
because they weren't looking for something better and that's a tough thing to
cultivate.”
This is the flaw in her thesis: that arranged marriages rely on a cultural
acceptance of long-term commitment; even if you're only adopting their
principles, that takes a hefty dose of maturity. Are women in their twenties and
thirties ready to accept, for example, that sex will be part of their relationship,
rather than its focus and the measure of its success? And doesn't a culture that
constantly strives for something better mitigate against notions of compromise
and counting your blessings? Seth counters that her advice is for people who are
ready for marriage: timing is critical.
“One of the strengths of arranged marriages is that both parties are ready. How
much easier that must be. Rana and myself were both ready to make a
relationship work,” she says.
It's a pragmatic approach that Marian Salzman, the New York trendspotter, has
already identified as appropriate in a period of economic turbulence. “I think
there's a feeling that arrangements that began in lust ended in dismay,” she says.
“People are looking for partnerships that will age like wine and they need to
begin with some smart thinking. I think it's going to be a new fad to say, ‘I don't
want to be so emotionally driven by my love needs of the minute, I want to find
a partner for life'.
“The cost of divorce is so great practically, emotionally and financially and
that's another factor that is making people want more structure. Forty years ago
it was rare for people to marry outside their communities and the community
was good at reinforcing values and ties. We've become a society that is
transactional, but what's good for me tonight probably isn't good for me in six
months or six years. There's a yearning for something more permanent now,
people want stability and ritual.”
Research by Penny Mansfield, director of One Plus One, a relationship
organisation, also suggests that people are now seeking long-lasting
companionships rather than great passion.
“Thinking about the kind of relationship you want is not what leads you to Mr
Right, but you can filter out Mr Wrong,” she says. “Do I want someone I feel a
great passion for, or do I want someone I'm attracted to and whom I will want to
build a life with once the initial heightened sexual attraction has gone? My
experience of interviewing people is that people are thinking more about what
the long-term might be like.
“It matters to think about the qualities of that person - and indeed to know
yourself. There is an aspect to arranged marriage that is about thinking ahead,
about what relationships are for, about consequences, and we're beginning to get
a shift towards people thinking like that.”
A poll in August indicated that 48 per cent of men and women between the ages
of 25 and 34 said that they would like to improve or work on their marriage.
“They are saying ‘I want my relationship to stay good', not ‘I can always get
another one'. They want something that will last and have meaning. Possibly
because of the credit crunch, once you become more selective, you make
different judgments; if you are thinking about limited resources, you put a
higher value on them. The way in which we conduct relationships has been
consumer based, about expendability and novelty. If people are more
consciously thinking about what relationships are for, that's a good thing.”
First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged
Marriages, by Reva Seth, published by Simon & Schuster
Text D
100-year-low as Britons fall out of love with marriage
• Fewer weddings than in any year since 1895
• Most babies soon to be born to unmarried parents
A total 232,990 couples were married in 2008, the lowest number since 1895. Photograph: Getty
Thursday 11 February 2010 19.07 GMT
Fewer people are tying the knot than at any time for more than a century, figures released
today reveal.
A total of 232,990 couples were married in 2008, figures from the Office for National
Statistics show. This is the lowest number of people opting for wedded bliss since 1895 and
represents a drop of 1% in 12 months from 235,370 in 2007.
The marriage rate, calculated as the number of marriages per head of population, fell to its
lowest level since records began in 1862.
In 2008 there were 21.8 men marrying per 1,000 unmarried adult men, down from 22.4 in
2007, and 19.6 women marrying per 1,000 unmarried women over 16, down from 20.2 in
2007.
Like the rest of Europe, Britons have been falling out of love with matrimony. Instead of
marrying, the trend has been towards cohabitation. Within five years the majority of British
babies are expected to be born to unmarried parents.
Men and women also marry later, indicating that a career might be needed to pay for a
honeymoon. Since 1998 the average age at first marriage has increased by about three years
for both men and women.
In 2008 the provisional mean age at marriage for never-married men was 32.1 years. The
provisional mean age for never-married women was 29.9 years.
The figures, covering England and Wales, are likely to relight the debate over the decline of
marriage in modern society.
The Conservatives have sought to become a party of values not morality by promoting
marriage through a tax break for married couples and gay civil partners. By contrast Labour
and the Liberal Democrats refuse to favour marriage over unmarried cohabitation.
Samantha Callan, the family and society policy specialist at the Centre for Social Justice, Iain
Duncan Smith's thinktank, who is credited with creating the "tax break for marriage", says
that by eschewing a legal union many are being "shortchanged by political correctness".
She said research conducted at the centre showed that children not brought up in a two-parent
family were 75% more likely to fail at school. "What is stopping people is the social bragging
rights that come attached with not being married. But the fact is people are two and a half
times more likely split up if they cohabit than if they marry."
The reason people do not marry, says Anastasia de Waal at the thinktank Civitas, is
economics. "Labour thinks unmarried parents are choosing not to marry on the grounds of
'progressive' values. The Tories think unmarried parents are choosing not to marry because
they don't value marriage. For many 'choice' has nothing to do with it. It's about economics,"
she said.
"We know that there is a very strong relationship between unemployment and non-marriage.
Therefore the number one priority for any government interested in marriage and family
stability should be getting people into work."
Although much has been made of the revival of the white church wedding, the national
statistic figures tell a different story. The number of religious ceremonies in 2008 was 76,200,
a decrease of 3.1% compared with 2007.
The Church of England, however, pointed out that while the share of religious weddings has
gone down, the share of C of E weddings has remained stable at 24%.
"Many churches are inviting parishioners to celebrate marriage on Sunday at special services
using new liturgy for Valentine's Day," said a spokesman.
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/feb/11/marriage-100-year-low-britain
Text E
To Have, to Hold, For a While
Amid divorce, remarriage and co-habitation, children do not do well.
By
W. Bradford Wilcox
Updated April 13, 2009 12:01 a.m. ET
Last week, Vermont became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage, setting off yet
another round of celebration and hand-wringing in different quarters of American life. The
debate over same-sex marriage -- showing so much intensity on both sides -- is but one sign
that Americans take marriage very seriously indeed. From television specials featuring overthe-top Bridezilla weddings to the federal Healthy Marriage Initiative, which spends $150
million annually on marriage-related programs, no other Western nation devotes as much
cultural energy, public policy or religious attention to matrimony as the U.S. And with
approximately 90% of Americans marrying over the course of their lifetimes, the U.S. has the
highest marriage rate of any Western country.
But there is a darker side to this exceptionalism, as Andrew J. Cherlin notes in "The MarriageGo-Round," his incisive portrait of marriage in America. Virtually no other nation in the West
compares with the U.S. when it comes to divorce, short-term co-habitation and single
parenthood. As Mr. Cherlin documents, Americans marry and co-habit at younger ages,
divorce more quickly and enter into second marriages or co-habiting unions faster than their
counterparts elsewhere. In other words, Americans "step on and off the carousel of intimate
relationships."
The biggest problem with this aspect of American family life is that children often do not do
well when parents and partners are whirling in and out of their lives. Children have difficulty
adapting to changes in their routines or to step- parents who are not comfortable acting as
authority figures or to nonresidential parents who see children only intermittently. The live-in
boyfriend, who may well not have a child's best interests at heart, is an even greater problem.
Such a mix of hybrid forms, according to Mr. Cherlin, is part of the reason that family
instability is linked to higher rates of teen sex, teen pregnancy, teen drunkenness, truancy and
behavioral problems in school.
By contrast, Mr. Cherlin writes, "stable, low-conflict families with two biological or adoptive
parents provide better environments for children, on average, than do other living
arrangements." Unfortunately, the family changes of the past half-century have left millions
of American children vulnerable to one or more dizzying spins on the family merry-go-round.
Family instability, Mr. Cherlin shows, has been increasingly concentrated in poor and
working-class households in recent years. Divorce is much more common in less-educated
circles: 23% of women with only a high-school degree will divorce or separate within five
years of marriage, compared with 13% of women who hold a college degree. Thus children at
the lower end of the socioeconomic ladder are now much more likely to be doubly
disadvantaged by poverty and family instability.
How did the U.S. reach this state of affairs -- in which marriage is almost universally desired
and yet more fragile than ever before, with almost half of all first marriages ending in divorce
court and a series of hybrid family forms adding confusion and instability to children's lives?
Mr. Cherlin points to competing "models" or ideas of marriage. On the one hand, he notes,
most Americans believe that marriage is the best social institution for bearing and rearing
children and that marriage should be grounded in a permanent, faithful and loving
relationship. On the other hand, Americans celebrate individualism more than people in other
Western societies and so believe that they are entitled to make choices that maximize their
personal happiness. When a marriage becomes unsatisfying, difficult or burdensome,
according to this model, it can be dissolved -- it even should be dissolved.
Such contradictory impulses push the vast majority of Americans into marriage and then push
a large minority out again when their dreams of marital bliss go unrealized. It does not help
that Americans in recent years have come to see marriage as a symbol more than a covenant -as a kind of "capstone" signaling that they have arrived at a certain position in the world, with
a good job, a good résumé and now, it is hoped, a soulmate who will make
them happy. Meanwhile, poor and working-class adults -- especially men -- lack the
cushioning financial assets of their privileged counterparts, so they are even less likely to get
married or stay married.
Because Mr. Cherlin is reluctant to challenge the individualistic ethos of our day, the
strongest advice he can muster -- when he steps back to consider the marriage portrait he has
drawn so brilliantly -- is that Americans who aspire to be parents should "slow down" when
they are entering or exiting a marriage or a co-habiting relationship, bearing in mind that
children do best in a stable home. It is not bad advice, certainly. But some of us may wish to
do more than put a yellow light in the path of parents who are tempted to hop onto (and off
of) America's family merry-go-round. For the sake of the children, a red light may be better.
Mr. Wilcox, a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia, is a senior fellow at
the Institute for American Values.
http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB123958524728412435#printMode
Text F
First person
Arranged marriages fascinate people in the UK 'like watching horror
films'. Don't scoff, says Ziauddin Sardar, British society could learn a lot
from the Asian experience
Ziauddin Sardar
Saturday 13 September 2008 00.01 BST
I have always been married. My mother harboured a specific plan for my marriage before I
was even born. I was married generations before my birth, just as my wife, Saliha, was
destined to be my companion before we ever met. We met but briefly and never alone before
we were married. As it was, so it is and ever will be, because it works.
Arranged marriage fascinates people in Britain. Rather like watching horror films, you are
attracted for shock value. Or maybe it's just because you like to sniff and turn up your noses at
something considered so irredeemably backward it makes you feel superior. But given the
state of family life in Britain today, with binge-drinking adolescents, gangs and teenage
violence, the time is ripe not to scoff.
The Asian family is not a nuclear unit of parents and 2.4 children. It is an extended social unit
that includes grandparents, in-laws, aunts and uncles and a long list of relatives, each with a
specific title in relation to everyone else in the family. And Asian family values are focused
on keeping the unit together - in one physical place if possible - and providing mutual support.
The corollary is that you have to accept them on the same terms. It can be onerous,
inconvenient, not to say downright demanding.
Arranged marriages work in this framework of extended family. They are the heartbeat of
Asian tradition. Without this pulse coursing through our lives, everything we know and think
as British Asians atrophies and starts to die.
A certain amount of debriefing is necessary at this point. Arranged marriages are not forced
marriages. That is quite another phenomenon related to tribal customs. Some of these tribal
customs are alive and well in places such as Bradford and Manchester. It is for the honour of
the tribe that Asian girls are kidnapped, brow-beaten, tortured into marriages. It is due to
obnoxious tribal customs that honour killings have come to be part of the British Asian
experience. But tribal customs have nothing to do with Asian tradition.
So what is an arranged marriage? How is that man deemed an appropriate life partner for that
woman and vice versa? The process involves a lot of to and fro and both parties are free to
reject or accept. Once the parties have reached a consensus, then both their families and the
principals come to agree a marriage should take place.
So arranged marriage is a social act because it is not personal and individual. It never involves
just two people, each alone with their own angst and dreams. Marriage is much too important
to be left to so precarious and potentially perverse and headstrong a basis as the dreams and
delusions of a would-be bride and groom. Arranged marriage is not just a marriage between
two individuals, but two families.
Arranging a marriage is probably the most important social skill. It is also an art form. And its
main practitioners are women. The art involves a subtle reading of human character and
insight into the needs of those involved - not just at one stage of their lives but as it bears on
the entire journey of their lifetime.
Consider the case of two sisters whose lives are thrown into turmoil by political events. The
partition of India was mass trauma. The sisters were uprooted from all the normality they had
known and had to trek to Pakistan along with their extensive family. But making a new life in
a new place sent family members hiving off in all directions to find jobs and opportunity. The
bonds of family seemed to be weakening, indeed on the verge of destruction. So the sisters
hatched a plan to countermand the forces that were shattering their tradition. If their first-born
children were a boy and a girl then they would arrange their marriage to one another. In this
way they could preserve the family and pass on to their offspring the solidity and support the
sisters had once known.
How could two women conceive of such a scheme for two people they had not yet conceived?
And why would they imagine such a premature arrangement could possibly have a chance of
succeeding? Well, consider that as sisters they shared a common heritage of values,
socialisation, education and all the nurturing that goes into giving people a similar outlook on
life and requirement of human behaviour. Who better to trust to pass these most cherished
values and grooming on to a new generation than one's own sister?
The force of events sundered the two sisters with a new partition: one emigrated with her
husband and settled in Britain, taking with them her first-born son who was destined to
become that new creation, a British Asian. The other sister remained in Pakistan, where in
time she gave birth to a daughter, as a citizen of the "land of the pure". This new generation
was shaped in different nationalities, circumstances and seemingly disparate times. And
neither sister had ever mentioned this scheme to the offspring concerned. But the time came
when the arrangement had to be put in place.
There was, however, a problem. Having grown to manhood as a British Asian, the young man
was far from content to learn of the future so long planned as his destiny. When he was taken
on a purposeful visit to Pakistan and confronted with this choice, he rejected the suggestion.
But when he saw his potential bride, he was immediately attracted to her. Would he, he asked
her directly, make a suitable husband? "Yes," she replied, "but not for me."
So there was a paradox: he rejected the idea of arranged marriage but wanted the person with
whom the marriage was arranged. She accepted the idea but rejected the person. When his
brother was presented with a similar choice, he rejected everything and simply walked away.
But as the eldest son this easy option was not available to him.
Arranged marriages can be a long, drawn-out affair. So, over three years, with letters flying
between London and Lahore, endless discussions and much angst, minds were changed.
Eventually, both parties were convinced that this was their best option. And that is how I
came to be married.
Arranged marriages are not about setting two people adrift together. Those who arranged my
marriage did not depart from the scene. My mother still lives with me and has played a vital
part in rearing my children. And my extended family is ever present, ever ready to share and
ease the burdens, to support and encourage and to provide the safety net that does not permit
the married couple to fall through the cracks.
What I learned through my own experience is that marriage begins as commitment - love, sex,
mutual respect, affection and friendship are the benefits that accrue over time. Instead of
beginning at the pitch of pheromone intensity, arranged marriage gives time and space to
appreciate another person without the insecurities of transience.
In Britain, arranged marriages are exceptionally popular among young British Asians. But
why would someone born and bred in modern Britain go for a traditional arrangement? I
asked a young woman called Farzana at a cultural gathering in Bradford. "Because," she
replied, "I don't want to humiliate myself by dancing to the tune of the dating game."
Everywhere in Britain, Farzana told me, women get the same message: dress, dye your hair,
make up your face, buy the right perfume and, most of all, be shapely, diet yourself to misery
or starve yourself to death in a land of plenty, and all to get a man. It is inherently demeaning.
In contrast, many young Asians think that arranged marriages enhance their personal freedom
and dignity. Instead of learning womanly wiles to please and entrap men, they can become
themselves and be introduced to men equally intent and committed to the concept of a lifelong relationship. There is many an affront to human dignity that can be avoided by sharing
the burden of finding a partner with caring relatives.
Behind every arranged marriage is a story. I discovered many while writing Balti Britain, a
book about the British Asian experience. But I also discovered that arranged marriages are not
static, immovable objects in the flow of time. Like many other marriages, they are flexible
and adept, malleable and serviceable to time and changing circumstances. The principles on
which they work, the objectives they seek to fulfil, endure through time. Almost everything
else is open to negotiation.
So it is not surprising that the newest generation of British Asians, who are indeed more
British than their parents and grandparents, have reinvented the whole concept of arranged
marriage. The process now involves finding a partner first and then getting the family to
arrange the marriage. And if education, work, membership of societies and clubs or the
network of family gatherings does not offer the opportunity to encounter who is out there in
need of a wife or a husband, there is always speed dating. At an Asian speed dating event,
where the whole family is welcome, you can check people out without the embarrassment of
being lumbered with the greatest bore, most insufferable scoundrel or impossible narcissist for
an entire evening or longer. As my daughter, Maha, who ran an Asian speed dating company
as a side line, assured me, it fills a vacant niche and gives young British Asians the means to
honour the meaning of tradition, with modern modifications.
And so it was that my daughter presented me with an immensely personable and exemplary
young man and required me to arrange her marriage. Like the parents of her chosen one, my
wife and I were a little at a loss about exactly what arrangement was required. But eventually
our children gave us the prompt. What our children wanted was the arrangement of family,
the cementing of bonds between two entities that would always be part of their lives because
they could not conceive of being alone.
The wedding provided all the nervous tension, angst and drama in the preparation one would
expect. But in my in-laws I have acquired new family members, people who share a common
outlook on life and on whom I know I can rely to be as interested and concerned as I always
will be for the welfare of my child. The wheel turns, the meaning endures.
To those who scoff at arranged marriages I only have this to say: look at your own dilemmas
of family breakdowns, divorce, human despair and what your children are up to. And if you
want to secure ongoing continuity of love, comfort and support in your old age, go for an
arranged marriage. You could save yourself and do Britain a favour at the same time.
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/sep/13/family1