1 en concepts ot a Heaitny Marriage Fart une - pnnt-menaiy version
rage i 01
Family First
wwwjamilyfirst.net
Ten Concepts of a Healthy Marriage
Parti
By: Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. from Marriage Builders, Inc.
The following article by Dr. Harley describes the Basic Concepts he uses during marital
counseling. This is the first part of a three-part series.
You have just been introduced to all the Basic Concepts that I use whenever I try to save a
marriage. If you apply them all to your marriage, you will do what most couples want to do,
but have failed to do - fall in love and stay in love. And that's what ultimately saves
marriage — restoring the feeling of love.
Of course, it takes much more than just the feeling of love to build a successful marriage. It
takes your willingness and ability to care for and protect each other. But that feeling of
incredible attraction is the best litmus test of your success in giving each other the care and
protection that you need. If you are both in love, your Takers are convinced that the
relationship is a good deal for both of you, and will not interfere with what's going on. Your
Givers have free reign to provide each other the best of what you both have to offer.
When you are in love, your emotions help you meet each other's emotional needs. They
provide instincts that you may not have even known you have - instincts to be affectionate,
sexual, conversational, recreational, honest and admiring. These all seem to come naturally
when you are in love.
But when you fall out of love, everything that will help your marriage seems unnatural. Your
instincts turn against marital recovery, and toward divorce. That's why I've created these
Basic Concepts — to help you do what it takes to restore your love for each other when you
are not in love, when you don't feel like doing any of them. And then once your love is
restored, these concepts will help you stay in love for the rest of your lives.
I present my summary of basic concepts in a slightly different order than they were first
presented to you. When they are presented briefly, they're a little more logical when
presented this way.
Basic Concept #1: The Love Bank
In my struggle to learn how to save marriages, I eventually discovered that the best way to
do it was to teach couples how to fall in love with each other - and stay in love. So I
created a concept that I called the Love Bank to help couples understand how people fall in
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconcepts 1 .htm
7/28/2005
Ten Concepts of a Healthy Marriage Fart une — pnnt-menaiy version
rage z 01 :>
and out of love. This concept, perhaps more than any other that I created, helped couples
realize that almost everything they did affected their love for each other either positively or
negatively. And that awareness set most of them on a course of action that preserved their
love and saved their marriages.
Within each of us is a Love Bank that keeps track of the way each person treats us.
Everyone we know has an account and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love
units from their accounts. It's your emotions' way of encouraging you to be with those who
make you happy. When you associate someone with good feelings, deposits are made into
that person's account in your Love Bank. And when the Love Bank reaches a certain level
of deposits (the romantic love threshold), the feeling of love is triggered. As long as your
Love Bank balance remains above that threshold, you will experience the feeling of love.
But when it falls below that threshold, you will lose that feeling. You will like anyone with a
balance above zero, but you will only be in love with someone whose balance is above the
love threshold.
However, your emotions do not simply encourage you to be with those who make you
happy - they also discourage you from being with those who make you unhappy.
Whenever you associate someone with bad feelings, withdrawals are made in your Love
Bank. And if you withdraw more than you deposit, your Love Bank balance can fall below
zero. When that happens the Love Bank turns into the Hate Bank. You will dislike those
with moderate negative balances, but if the balance falls below the hate threshold, you will
hate the person.
Try living with a spouse you hate! Your emotions are doing everything they can to get you
out of there - and divorce is one of the most logical ways to escape.
Couples usually ask for my advice when they are just about ready to throw in the towel.
Their Love Banks have been losing love units so long that they are now deeply in the red.
And their negative Love Bank accounts make them feel uncomfortable just being in the
same room with each other. They cannot imagine surviving marriage for another year, let
alone ever being in love again.
But that's my job - to help them fall in love with each other again. I encourage them to stop
making Love Bank withdrawals, and start making Love Bank deposits. I created all of the
remaining Basic Concepts to help couples achieve those objectives.
Basic Concept #2: Instincts and Habits
Instincts are behavioral patterns that we are born with, and habits are patterns that we
learn. Both of them tend to be repeated again and again almost effortlessly. They are
important in our discussion of what it takes to be in love because it's our behavior that
makes deposits and withdrawals from Love Banks, and our instincts and habits make up
most of our behavior.
Instincts and habits can make Love Bank deposits, so it is imperative to know how to create
those habits because once they are learned, deposits are made repeatedly and almost
effortlessly.
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconcepts 1 .htm
7/28/2005
Ten Concepts ol a Heaitny Marriage ran une — prmi-mentuy version
Unfortunately, many of our instincts and habits, such as angry outbursts, contribute to Love
Bank withdrawals. Since they are repeated so often, they play a very important role in the
annihilation of Love Bank accounts. If we are to stop Love Bank withdrawals, we must
somehow stop destructive instincts and habits in their tracks. Instincts are harder to stop
than habits, but they can both be avoided.
As we discuss the remaining concepts, keep in mind the value of a good habit, and the
harm of a bad habit, because their effect on Love Bank balances are multiplied by
repetition.
Visit FamiIyFirst.net next week for the
continuation of this article series.
© Marriage Builders, Inc. All rights reserved. This article was reprinted with permission. Please do not publish
this article without direct consent from Marriage Builders, Inc. Family First is not authorized to permit the
reproduction of articles contributed to FamilyFirst.net by non-staff authors,
ywwjiiarriageb
^MARRIAGE
JBUILDERS
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconcepts 1 .htm
7/28/2005
i en uoncepts or a weaimy Marriage rait r wo — prmi-menaiy version
rage i 01
Family First
www,fami|yf irst. net
Ten Concepts of a Healthy Marriage
Part II
By: Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. from Marriage Builders, Inc.
The following article by Dr. Harley describes the Basic Concepts he uses during marital
counseling. This is the second part of a three-part series. For Part One, click here.
Basic Concept #3: The Most Important Emotional Needs
How can you deposit love units into each other's Love Banks the fastest? That's a question
I asked literally hundreds of couples when I was first learning how to save marriages.
Eventually their answer became clear to me — you must meet each other's most important
emotional needs.
You and your spouse fell in love with each other because you made each other very happy,
and you made each other happy because you met some of each other's important
emotional needs. The only way you and your spouse will stay in love is to keep meeting
those needs. Even when the feeling of love begins to fade, or when it's gone entirely, it's
not necessarily gone for good. It can be recovered whenever you both go back to making
large Love Bank deposits.
First, be sure you know what each other's most important emotional needs are (complete
the Emotional Needs Questionnaire). Then, learn to meet the needs that are rated the
highest in a way that is fulfilling to your spouse, and enjoyable for you, too.
It's likely that you and your spouse do not prioritize your needs in the same order of
importance. A highly important need for you may not be as important to your spouse. So
you may find yourself trying to meet needs that seem unimportant to you. But your spouse
depends on you to meet those needs, and it's the most effective and efficient way for you
make large Love Bank deposits.
Basic Concept #4: The Policy of Undivided Attention
Unless you and your spouse schedule time each week for undivided attention, it will be
impossible to meet each other's most important emotional needs. So to help you and your
spouse clear space in your schedule for each other, I have written the Policy of Undivided
Attention: Give your spouse your undivided attention a minimum of fifteen hours each week,
using the time to meet the emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational
companionship and sexual fulfillment. This policy will help you avoid one of the most
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconcepts2.htm
7/28/2005
Ten Concepts of a Healthy Marriage Fart Two — prmt-trienaly version
rage z 01
common mistakes in marriage - neglecting each other.
This Basic Concept not only helps guarantee that you will meet each otherfs emotional
needs, but it also unlocks the door to the use of all the other basic concepts. Without time
for undivided attention you will not be able to avoid Love Busters and you will not be able to
negotiate effectively. Time for undivided attention is the necessary ingredient for everything
that's important in marriage.
And yet, as soon as most couples marry, and especially when children arrive, couples
usually replace their time together with activities of lesser importance. You probably did the
same thing. You tried to meet each other's needs with time "left over,11 but sadly, there
wasn't much time left over. Your lack of private time together may have become a great
cause of unhappiness, and yet you felt incapable of preventing it. You may have also found
yourself bottling up your honest expression of feelings because there was just no
appropriate time to talk.
Make your time to be alone with each other your highest priority - that way it will never be
replaced by activities of lesser value. Your career, your time with your children,
maintenance of your home, and a host of other demands will all compete for your time
together. But if you follow the Policy of Undivided Attention, you will not let anything steal
from those precious and crucial hours together.
I suggest that you (a) spend time away from children and friends whenever you give each
other your undivided attention; (b) use the time to meet the emotional needs of affection,
conversation, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment; and (c) schedule at least
fifteen hours together each week. When you were dating, you gave each other this kind of
attention and you fell in love. When people have affairs, they also give each other this kind
of attention to keep their love for each other alive. Why should courtship and affairs be the
only times love is created? Why can't it happen in marriage as well? It can, if you set aside
time every week to give each other undivided attention.
Basic Concept #5: Love Busters
When you meet each other's most important emotional needs, you become each other's
source of greatest happiness. But if you are not careful, you can also become each other's
source of greatest unhappiness.
It's pointless to deposit love units if you withdraw them right away. So in addition to meeting
important emotional needs, you must be sure to protect your spouse, and the Love Bank,
from withdrawals. And paying attention to how your everyday behavior can make each
other unhappy does that.
You and your spouse were born to be demanding, disrespectful, angry, annoying,
independent (insensitive) and dishonest. These are normal human traits that I call Love
Busters because they destroy the feeling of love spouses have for each other. But if you
promise to avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness, you will do whatever it
takes to overcome these destructive tendencies for your spouse's protection. By eliminating
Love Busters, you will not only be protecting your spouse, but you will also be preserving
your spouse's love for you.
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconeepts2.htm
7/28/2005
Ten Concepts ot a Healthy Marriage Fart I wo — pnnt-menaiy version
rage :> 01
Basic Concept #6: The Policy of Radical Honesty
It isn't easy to be honest. Honesty is an unpopular value these days, and most couples
have not made this commitment to each other. Many marriage counselors and clergymen
argue that honesty is not always the best policy. They believe that it's cruel to disclose past
indiscretions and it's selfish to make such disclosures. While it makes you feel better to get
a mistake off your chest, it causes your partner to suffer. So, they argue, the truly caring
thing to do is to lie about your mistakes or at least keep them tucked away.
And if it's compassionate to lie about sins of the past, why isn't it also compassionate to lie
about sins of the present - or future? To my way of thinking, it's like letting the proverbial
camel's nose under the tent. Eventually you will be dining with the camel. Either honesty is
always right, or you'll always have an excuse for being dishonest.
To help remind couples how important honesty is in marriage, I have written the Policy of
Radical Honesty: Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for
the future.
Self-imposed honesty with your spouse is essential to your marriage's safety and success.
Honesty will not only bring you closer to each other emotionally, it will also prevent the
creation of destructive habits that are kept secret from your partner.
The Policy of Radical Honesty combined with the Policy of Joint Agreement are two
guidelines that will help you create an open and integrated lifestyle, one that will guarantee
your love for each other. They also prevent the creation of a secret second life where
infidelity, the greatest threat to your marriage, can grow like mold in a damp, dark cellar.
Visit FamiIyFirst.net next week for the
continuation of this article series.
© Marriage Builders, Inc. All rights reserved. This article was reprinted with permission. Please do not publish
this article without direct consent from Marriage Builders, Inc. Family First is not authorized to permit the
reproduction of articles contributed to FamilyFirst.net by non-staff authors.
PrivacyJPo|jcyjLQ.d Conditions of Use
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconcepts2.htm
7/28/2005
l en concepts or a neaitny Marriage ran i wo — prmi-menaiy version
rage i ui
P
Family First
wwwJamHyfirst.net
Ten Concepts of a Healthy Marriage
Part III
By: Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. from Marriage Builders, Inc.
The following article by Dr. Harley describes the Basic Concepts he uses during marital
counseling. This is the third part of a three-part series.
For Part One of this series, click here.
For Part Two of this series, click here.
Basic Concept #7: The Giver and Taker
Have you ever thought that your spouse is possessed? One moment he or she is loving
and thoughtful, and the next you are faced with selfishness and thoughtlessness. Trust me,
it's not a demon you're up against, it's the two sides of our personalities. I call them the
Giver and the Taker
All of us want to make a difference in the lives of other. We want others to be happy, and
we want to contribute to their happiness. When we feel that way, our Giver is influencing us.
The Giver's rule is do whatever you can to make others happy and avoid anything that
makes others unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It encourages us to use that rule in
our relationships with other people.
But we also want the best for ourselves. We want to be happy, too. When we feel that way,
our Taker is influencing us. The Taker's rule is do whatever you can to make yourself
happy, and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. If
that rule ever makes sense to you, it's because your Taker is in control.
These two primitive aspects of our personality are usually balanced in our dealings with
others. But in marriage they tend to take turns being in charge. And that leads to most of
the problems that couples encounter. If we take the advice of our Giver, we are willing to
suffer to make our spouse happy, and if we take the advice of our Taker, we are willing to
let our spouse suffer to make us happy. In either case the advice we are given is short
sighted because someone always gets hurt.
Basic Concept #8: The Three States of Mind in Marriage
The Giver and Taker create moods that I call states of mind. These states of mind have a
tremendous influence on the way a husband and wife try to resolve conflicts. But in each of
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconcepts3.htm
7/28/2005
len uoncepis 01 a neaiiny iviamage ran i wu — prmi-menuiy version
rage z, ui
the three states of mind, negotiation is almost impossible. That's what makes negotiation, in
general, so tough in marriage.
When we are in love and happy, we are usually in the State of Intimacy. That state of mind
is controlled by the Giver, which encourages us to follow the Giver's rule: do whatever you
can to make your spouse happy and avoid anything that makes your spouse unhappy, even
if it makes you unhappy. That rule can lead to habits that may be good for our spouse, but
can be disastrous for us because we are not negotiating with our own interests in mind.
Sadly, flawed agreements made in the state of Intimacy can lead to our own unhappiness,
and that in turn wakes the slumbering Taker. As long as we are happy, our Taker has
nothing to do, but when we start feeling unhappy, our Taker rises to our rescue and triggers
the State of Conflict. With the Taker now in charge, we are encouraged to follow the rule:
do whatever you can to make yourself happy, and avoid anything that makes yourself
unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. The Taker also encourages us to be demanding,
disrespectful and angry in an effort to force our spouse to make us happy. Fighting is the
Taker's favorite "negotiating" strategy.
When fighting doesn't work, and we are still unhappy, the Taker encourages us to take a
new course of action that triggers the State of Withdrawal. Instead of trying to force our
spouse to make us happy, our Taker wants us to give up on our spouse entirely. We don't
want our spouse to do anything for us, and we certainly don't want to do anything for our
spouse. In this state of mind we are emotionally divorced.
How can couples work their way back to the state of Intimacy once they find themselves
trapped in the state of Withdrawal? And once they are back, how can they stay there? The
answers to those questions are found in the next Basic Concept.
Basic Concept #9: The Policy of Joint Agreement
Marital instincts do not lead to fair negotiation. They either lead to giving away the store
(state of Intimacy) or robbing the bank (state of Conflict). And in the state of Withdrawal, no
one even feels like negotiating. Yet, in order to meet each other's most important needs and
avoid Love Busters consistently and effectively, fair negotiation is crucial in marriage.
You need a rule to help you override the shortsighted advice of your Giver and Taker. Their
advice is shortsighted because regardless of the rule, someone gets hurt. We get hurt when
we follow the Giver's advice and our spouse gets hurt when we follow the Taker's advice.
So I've created a rule to guarantee that no one gets hurt, and that's the ultimate goal in fair
negotiation. I call this rule the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without an
enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.
Almost everything you do affects each other. So it's very important to know what that effect
will be before you actually do it. The Policy of Joint Agreement will help you remember to
consult with each other to be sure you avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.
It also makes negotiation necessary, regardless of your state of mind. If you agree to this
policy, you will not be able to do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of the other,
so it forces you to discuss your plans, and negotiate with each other's feelings in mind.
Without safe and pleasant negotiation, you will simply not be able to reach an enthusiastic
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconcepts3.htm
7/28/2005
1 en concepts 01 a tteaimy Marriage ran i wo — prmi-menaiy version
rage
agreement.
Basic Concept #10: Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation
If you and your spouse are in conflict about anything, I recommend that you do nothing until
you can both agree enthusiastically about a resolution. But how should you go about
coming to that agreement? I suggest you follow four essential guidelines.
Guideline 1: Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.
Ground rule 1: Try to be pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations
Ground rule 2: Put safety first. Do not make demands, show disrespect, or become
angry when you negotiate, even if your spouse makes demands, shows disrespect or
becomes angry with you.
Ground rule 3: If you reach an impasse and you do not seem to be getting anywhere, or
if one of you is starting to make demands, show disrespect or become angry, stop
negotiating and come back to the issue later.
Guideline 2: Identify the problem from both perspectives with mutual respect for those
perspectives.
Guideline 3: Brainstorm with abandon - give your creativity a chance to discover solutions
that would make you both happy. Carry a pad and pencil with you to jot down ideas as you
think of them throughout the day.
Guideline 4: Choose the solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint
Agreement best - mutual and enthusiastic agreement.
Whenever a conflict arises keep in mind the importance of finding a solution that will deposit
as many love units as possible, while avoiding withdrawals. And be sure that the way you
find that solution also deposits love units and avoids withdrawals.
> Marriage Builders, Inc. All rights reserved. This article was reprinted with permission. Please do not publish
this article without direct consent from Marriage Builders, Inc. Family First is not authorized to permit the
reproduction of articles contributed to FamilyFirst.net by non-staff authors.
C^Qdfe
http://www.familyfirst.net/marriage/harleyconcepts3.htm
7/28/2005