Chaminade Middle School
Counseling Department
Are You Locked in a Power Struggle With Your Child?
By: Cheryl Lovejoy, LMFT
Do you ever feel as if you and your child are locked in battle? Does it feel like many issues get
lost in “who will win?” It is not uncommon for parents and their adolescent children to find
themselves struggling over power and position. Because parents often feel anxious about their
child’s developing independence, it is not uncommon for parents to “batten down the hatches,”
because they feel uncertain about what is appropriate or “normal,” how much independence to
give, and how involved to stay in things like schoolwork.
By and large parents want to do the right thing by their children, but very often in their fear of
making a mistake they respond with anger and rigidity, or conversely with complete leniency and
disengagement. Balance is, of course, the ideal. So, how do you know if you are in a power
struggle? How do you stay out of one, or extricate yourself from one that already exists? The
following may be helpful:
How do you know when you are locked in a power struggle with your child?
Chances are you can feel it. You might know it by your sense of urgency and anxiety, or by the
fact that you punish instead of discipline. Punishment very often is impulsively applied, comes
with little or no thought to teaching something positive and useful about your child to your child,
and rarely normalizes the situation. The danger in punishment is that it can teach your child to be
afraid of you, your power, and your will and to see you as the enemy instead of as an advocate.
It likely does not help your child to think independently and find alternatives the next time he/she
is confronted with a similar situation. It makes little or no room for natural consequences and
normal mistakes, it rarely involves a dialogue, though usually a lecture, and it often comes with an
“off with your head” feeling which takes the form of “all or nothing” thinking; that is, “you will never
be allowed to…again.” Discipline on the other hand, teaches something about how to handle the
same sort of problem next time. It directly relates to the situation and teaches your child about
choices and consequences; consequences that are directly related to choices made. It does not
belittle or demean because the focus is on changing behavior and not flawed character. It
involves a lot more parent participation and provides your child the opportunity to learn and to try
to do better. For instance:
Your child knows the rule of no R-rated movies, however, you find he/she has snuck into
one with friends, clearly a violation of a rule, as well as, trust. Discipline involves an
obvious and related consequence with an explanation for understanding. Albeit
embarrassing to your child, the consequence might be that you provide more supervision
next time he/she wants to go to the movies, as opposed to taking away all movies all
together, indefinitely (all or nothing). That is not going to teach a child to never make an
error in judgment again. Further, with that kind of response, what opportunity does the
child have to even test out better decision-making, not to mention build up trust? It might
teach a child that you are powerful, but he/she probably already knows that. It might
teach a child to fear your wrath, but wouldn’t you rather have his/her respect and trust? It
might teach a child to want to avoid being caught, but it does not teach life skills, like
what to do in a difficult situation, or how to stop and think about choices and
consequences so as to not flirt with trouble. By providing your child with the choice of
accepting your “embarrassing presence” at the movies, or he/she can choose to not go,
you hand the decision over to him/her while teaching about consequences. This is very
powerful when followed up with a dialogue about trust and about why this rule is
important. A mistake parents can unintentionally make is to throw out all trust in their
child for one breach of trust. Trust belongs on a continuum. You may have more or less
trust in your child in one type of situation, than in another. (This is where knowing your
child really helps, and to know involves two-way dialogue. Your child has to have been
allotted the space and time to talk with you about his/her thoughts, feelings, challenges,
and dreams.) Talk with your child about what it means to breach trust, what it means to
have trust, what it means to earn trust, and what the possible consequences are in losing
trust. Brainstorm about how your child might handle similar situations in the future, such
as peer pressure to do things he/she is not allowed to do. This can really help your child
learn and be armed for the next situation. It is important to remember that children
frequently make poor decisions because they are being presented with new and often
difficult situations for which they are inexperienced. The goal is to teach them how to be
in the world.
Your bright child comes home with poor grades. Although “punishment” might be
grounding your child from everything until the next report card because he/she is not
working to his/her potential, discipline would entail a calm dialogue, an assessment of the
problem, and consequences aimed at helping your child meet his/her potential while
learning something in the process. You might find out through dialogue that your child
simply needs tutoring or extra help. On the other hand, you might find out your child is
missing a lot of homework. Is he/she not doing the homework or is the homework
forgotten at home? Each of these might entail a different approach, but the point is,
specific solutions to specific problems. What does this mean? It means the
consequences directly relate to the problem. That might be “no TV on school nights and
no use of the internet during homework times,” with an explanation about how this is an
attempt to take away unnecessary distractions so that your child can concentrate more
fully and not rush through things (advocate, not adversary). It might be determined that
your child needs help in remembering to do homework assignments, or in remembering
to put those assignments into his/her notebook and backpack so that they get to school,
and so you institute a plan that requires him/her too show you finished homework.
How do you keep your relationship with your child from becoming a constant power
struggle?
1. More dialogue and less lecturing, more questions and fewer statements, more patients and
less urgency. Try not to start questions with “why,” as “why” has a tendency to cause
defensiveness and shut down communication. Asking your child things like: “What do you think
about…?” “What do you imagine…?” “How might you…?” “Do you have any ideas about…?”
The more questions you can ask to open up a dialogue with your child, the better chance you
have of knowing and understanding your child and of gaining his/her ear, particularly if the child
feels his/her thoughts are regarded and respected, even if not agreed with. Children who feel
participatory in their relationship with their parents are more likely to respect their parents’
opinions and regard their rules because life feels fair. Generally children who feel heard and
understood tend to feel respected, and children who feel respected by their parents tend to give
back that respect. Sometimes you will need to wait and find your moments for dialoguing, but do
not be fooled by your child seeming to shut you out. Timing is everything. Your child cares what
you think, so be patient and then be thoughtful about how you present things. A word of caution:
there will be power struggles that are part of the normal pulling away of adolescence; that is,
children having to push the boundaries and test their independence, their decision-making, and
who they are, separate from their parents. This normal developmental process is not the type of
problematic power struggle referred to in this article. This article is aimed at avoiding the “locked
in battle” power struggle.
2. Know your child. Learn to discern the difference between when something is an issue about
trust and when it is an issue about maturity. Many parents expect their children to know things
they can not possibly know yet because of their lack of experience or ability to think like adults – a
lack of maturity. How much independence you give and when, depends a lot on the level of
maturity. What does that mean? Maturity does NOT mean they look older than their peers, or
that they are old enough to be asked out, or that they know a lot of information about a lot of adult
subjects. It does mean things like; they often think about things before acting, they often consider
the consequences of actions, they are often able to take responsibility for their actions, they often
make good enough decisions when in situations where they have to make one in the moment and
you are not there to consult, they often learn from their mistakes. It means they can often ask
your advice and opinion, and listen to your thoughts. Notice I use the word often and NOT
always. Even responsible and mature-for-their-age kids are still kids and they will make mistakes
and some bad choices, so do not over-react or assume the worst, and do not expect maturity at
an adult level.
3. Know your limitations. You cannot control everything. You can provide limitations and
guidance, but if you decide you can and must control your child’s every thought, feeling, choice,
and behavior, WATCH OUT! Your child may decide it is his/her job to prove you wrong. This is
more than likely to end up a disaster for both of you. If a child makes it his/her mission to prove
you cannot control him/her and that he/she must always be right, you are probably playing the
other side of it and are in a dangerous parent-child dynamic. Please seek help through therapy
or counseling as soon as possible.
4. Read books on normal adolescent development so that you can know what to expect, what is
in the normal range and what is not, what other parents are dealing with, and how to manage
certain difficulties. A good book is “GET OUT OF MY LIFE, but first could you drive me and
Cheryl to the mall?” by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. This is an excellent book for helping you keep
your sense of humor while managing some of the difficulties in raising adolescents experiencing
normal developmental issues. Further, this book identifies problems beyond the normal range
and in need og outside help and intervention.
How do you extricate yourself from a power struggle?
Take a deep breath, calm down, and tell your child, “let’s take a break for awhile so each of us
can give this some thought.” Then take yourself off to a quiet place and ask yourself, “what am I
trying to control here?” “Am I anxious or scared?” “If so, what about?” Is it the unknown, the
future, a feeling of loss, a feeling of shame or embarrassment? Parents often over-react, get out
of patience, or sound angry when they are afraid. Now ask yourself “what do I want to teach my
child from this experience?” “What do I want to give my child here?” “What can I do and be
helpful?” “Do I need some outside help or counsel?” When stymied you can always tell your
child, “I want to really think about this situation and not over-react. So, let’s talk about this more
tomorrow.” The easiest way to be pulled back into the fray is an anxious child’s sense of urgency
that is demanding resolution before you are ready. Do not be pulled in. Stick to your, “I have to
think about this.” It will save both of you a lot of heartache and energy.