初稿
（文中红色字体标出的是自己感到文笔上比较下功夫的地方）
Sound of Snore
0909 陈馨
Generally speaking, it’s often difficult for someone to have a good
night’s rest with some other snoring beside him and I, unfortunately, did
have a horrible and scary experience once up a time.
It’s right after we bought a new computer that the nightmare
approached me step by step without myconsciousness. A couple of days
later, my father, a policeman, went on business to another city while my
mother, accompanied by several colleagues and friends, went on a
journey, leaving me and my little sister at home. “Freedom blows.” I
thought in my mind, eyelids drooping. I was dozing peacefully on the
sofa when all of a sudden I woke up with the dread and uneasy feeling of
imminent catastrophe increasing.
Gazing around the dinning room, I found my little sister was
watching box, eyes fixed on it with no move at all. “A TV fanatic again. ”
I murmured, striding into my bedroom. “If you feel hungry, just go and
fetch the bread on the table. One more thing——do not knock at my door
while I am sleeping and remember to keep the sound down.” I added
impatiently, closing the door at the same time.
The light of day had fallen down totally and a pale round-shaped
moon was hanging high, shedding silver radiance all around. Everything
surrounding was in no move. All kinds of voice seemed to be muffled by
some invisible force. I enjoyed the unique silence and solitude in
darkness, heart calming down like a body of lake free of wavelet. Right at
the moment, an extraordinary sound came up to me. Yes! It was snore! I
jumped down the floor from the bed, clutched my glasses with a rush and
groped my way before turning on the light. To my great surprise, however,
there was nobody at all in the light except me. An idea flashed in my
mind——it must be produced by her——my litter sister. I pushed the
door open and found that she was still watching TV, the sofa sprinkled
with crumbs.
“What on earth did you do just now?” I raised my voice, “How can
you produce such a chilly voice to scare me?”
“I didn’t do that.” she argued, “Don’t speak ill of me.” She turned
down the box and went back to her bedroom angrily, looking like an
arrogant swan with her head looking up.
I stood there petrified, confusion in my eyes, and was wondering
whether or not she had told the truth when she rushed out and hugged me,
“There’s someone else sleeping in our room. What a strange and scary
sound of snoring.” I cried in amazement and then kept my voice down
again quickly in fear of bothering the self-invited visitor.
“You hear that sound, either?”
“Yes! En……What shall we do then. I am badly scared.”
A kind of terrifying atmosphere caught hold of the whole house.
“Can it be our father? He often snores under the influence of heavy
drink.” But he is on business now.” I argued, “He will not be back until
next Thursday.” None of us were brave enough, more exactly, strong
enough to protect our house from being prosecuted. Finally, armed with
torchlight and a long-stick broom, we made up our mind to research each
room.
Room by room, we found no one at all but the sound of snoring
got louder and louder with every step toward the study. On opening a
crack of the door, a weak beam of light shot into our eyes . We were
totally drowned in a sea of fearfulness and crouched there holding our
breath, lips tight. Just a few seconds later, we somehow lost our balance
and forced the door open. “Who are you?” I spoke firmly, with my feet
out of control trembling. However, what appeared in front of us was
nothing but the newly-bought computer. Turning the light on, we
approached it gradually and found in astonishment there was a tiny cute
lion on the right bottom of the computer deep in sleep, with his whisker
fluttering free. And most importantly, he was producing heavy sound of
snoring which was just what we heard.
修改稿
Sound of Snore
0909 陈馨
Generally speaking, it’s often difficult for someone to have a good
night’s rest with some other snoring beside him but I, unfortunately, did
have a horrible and scary experience once up a time.
It’s right after we bought a new computer that the nightmare
approached me step by step without any consciousness. A couple of days
later, my father, a policeman, went on business to another city while my
mother, accompanied by several colleagues and friends, went on a
journey, leaving me and my little sister at home. “Freedom blows.” I
thought in my mind listlessly, eyelids drooping. I was dozing peacefully
on the sofa when all of a sudden I woke up with the dread and uneasy
feeling of imminent catastrophe increasing.
Gazing around the dinning room, I found my little sister was
watching box, eyes fixed on it with no move at all. “A TV fanatic again. ”
I murmured, striding into my bedroom. “If you feel hungry, just go and
fetch the bread on the table. One more thing——do not knock at my door
while I am sleeping and remember to keep the sound down.” I added
impatiently, closing the door at the same time.
The light of day had fallen down totally and a pale round-shaped
moon was hanging high, shedding silver radiance all around. Everything
surrounding was in no move. All kinds of voice seemed to be muffled by
some invisible force. I enjoyed the unique silence and solitude in
darkness, heart calming down like a body of lake free of wavelet. Right at
the moment, an extraordinary sound came up to me. Yes! It was snore! I
jumped down the floor from the bed, clutched my glasses with a rush and
groped my way before turning on the light. To my great surprise, however,
there was nobody at all in the light except me. An idea flashed in my
mind——it must be produced by her——my litter sister. I pushed the
door open and found that she was still watching TV, the sofa sprinkled
with crumbs.
“What on earth did you do just now?” I raised my voice, “How can
you produce such a chilly voice to scare me?”
“I didn’t do that.” she argued, “Don’t speak ill of me.” She turned
down the box and went back to her bedroom angrily, looking like an
arrogant swan with her head looking up.
I stood there petrified and was wondering whether or not she had
told the truth when she rushed out and clasped me, “There’s someone else
sleeping in our room. What a strange and scary sound of snoring.” I cried
in amazement and then kept my voice down again quickly for fear of
bothering the self-invited visitor.
“You hear that sound, either?” I asked, confusion in my eyes.
“Yes! En……What shall we do then. I am badly scared.”
A kind of terrifying atmosphere caught hold of the whole house.
“Can it be our father? He often snores under the influence of heavy
drink.” But he is on business now.” I argued, “He will not be back until
next Thursday.” Neither of us was brave enough, more exactly, strong
enough to protect our house from being invaded. Finally, armed with
torchlight and a long-stick broom, we made up our mind to search each
room.
Room by room, we found no one at all but the sound of snoring
got louder and louder with every step toward the study. On opening a
crack of the door, a weak beam of light shot into our eyes . We were
totally drowned in a sea of fearfulness and crouched there holding our
breath, lips tight. Just a few seconds later, we somehow lost our balance
and forced the door open. “Who are you?” I spoke firmly, with my feet
out of control trembling heavily. However, what appeared in front of us
was nothing but the newly-bought computer. Turning the light on, we
approached it gradually, minding every steps and found in astonishment
there was a tiny cute lion on the right bottom of the computer deep in
sleep, with his whisker fluttering free. And most importantly, he was
producing heavy sound of snoring which was just what we heard.
再修改稿
赵老师：下面一稿，我对个别地方做了修改，用红色标出。我还
加了一个小插画。在…a pale round-shaped moon was hanging high,
shedding silver radiance all around 中，pale 与 radiance 似乎逻辑都有点
行不通。
Sound of Snore
0909 陈馨
Generally speaking, it’s often difficult for someone to have a good
night’s rest with some other snoring beside him but I, unfortunately, did
have a horrible and scary experience once upon a time.
It’s right after we bought a new computer that the nightmare
approached me step by step without any consciousness. A couple of days
later, my father, a policeman, went on business to another city while my
mother, accompanied by several colleagues and friends, went on a
journey, leaving me and my little sister at home. “Freedom blows.” I
thought in my mind listlessly, eyelids drooping. I was dozing off
peacefully on the sofa when all of a sudden I woke up with the dread and
uneasy feeling of imminent catastrophe increasing.
Gazing around the dining room, I found my little sister was
watching box, eyes fixed on it with no move at all. “A TV fanatic again.”
I murmured, striding into my bedroom. “If you feel hungry, just go and
fetch the bread on the table. One more thing——do not knock at my door
while I am sleeping and remember to keep the sound down.” I added
impatiently, closing the door at the same time.
The light of day had fallen down totally and a pale round-shaped
moon was hanging high, shedding silver radiance all around. Everything
surrounding was in no move. All kinds of voice seemed to be muffled by
some invisible force. I enjoyed the unique silence and solitude in
darkness, heart calming down like a body of lake free of wavelet. Right at
the moment, an extraordinary sound came up to me. Yes! It was snore! I
jumped down the floor from the bed, clutched my glasses with a rush and
groped my way before turning on the light. To my great surprise, however,
there was nobody at all in the light except me. An idea flashed in my
mind——it must be produced by her——my litter sister. I pushed the
door open and found that she was still watching TV, the sofa sprinkled
with crumbs.
“What on earth did you do just now?” I raised my voice, “How can
you produce such a chilly voice to scare me?”
“I didn’t do that.” she argued, “Don’t speak ill of me.” She turned
down the box and went back to her bedroom angrily, looking like an
arrogant swan with her head looking up.
I stood there petrified and was wondering whether or not she had
told the truth when she rushed out and clasped me, “There’s someone else
sleeping in our room. What a strange and scary sound of snoring.” I cried
in amazement and then kept my voice down again quickly for fear of
bothering the self-invited visitor.
“You hear that sound, too?” I asked, confusion in my eyes.
“Yes! En……What shall we do then. I am badly scared.”
A kind of terrifying atmosphere caught hold of the whole house.
“Can it be our father? He often snores under the influence of heavy
drink.” But he is on business now.” I argued, “He will not be back until
next Thursday.” Neither of us was brave enough, more exactly, strong
enough to protect our house from being invaded. Finally, armed with
torchlight and a long-stick broom, we made up our mind to search each
room.
Room by room, we found no one at all but the sound of snoring
got louder and louder with every step toward the study. On opening a
crack of the door, a weak beam of light shot into our eyes. We were
totally drowned in a sea of fearfulness and crouched there holding our
breath, lips tight. Just a few seconds later, we somehow lost our balance
and forced the door open. “Who are you?” I spoke firmly, with my feet
out of control trembling heavily. However, what appeared in front of us
was nothing but the newly-bought computer. Turning the light on, we
approached it gradually, minding every step and found in astonishment
there was a tiny cute lion on the right bottom of the computer deep in
sleep, with his whisker fluttering free. And most importantly, he was
producing heavy sounds of snoring which was just what we heard.
师评（面向全班同学）
：
这则故事源于生活。同学们在初学写叙述文时候，通常冥思苦
想。殊不知，只要我们细心观察，日常生活中不乏故事素材。陈馨同
学有很强的观察力，能把她所遇到的一件小事写成一篇很好的故事，
其情节丝毫不亚于《新概念英语》里的故事。
作文中也有不少语言亮点。I was dozing off peacefully on the
sofa…，一幅“悠然自得”的样子。…when all of a sudden I woke up with
the dread and uneasy feeling of imminent catastrophe increasing 进入“不
详征兆”。All kinds of voice seemed to be muffled by some invisible
force 给人的感觉是情况有点不妙。
I stood there petrified 是作者被吓的样子。其结果是 We were
totally drowned in a sea of fearfulness and crouched there holding our
breath, lips tight。
本故事中的瑞星杀毒软件的小狮子所发出的呼噜声把作者吓成
了 with my feet out of control trembling heavily，尽管 I spoke firmly。
“色
厉内荏”一露无遗。
父亲常在酒精作用下打呼噜，英文可以说 snores under the
influence of heavy drink。妹妹 looking like an arrogant swan with her
head looking up，傲气凌人。
个别语误，如 shedding silver radiance 应为 shedding a silver
radiance