LISTENING BENEATH THE WORDS
Minnesota Coalition for the Homeless Conference
September 16, 2014
Rosemarie Reger-Rumsey, ED of Listening House of St. Paul, Inc
We are a culture all about “doing,” – What can we do? What does he or she need to do? Let’s do
something! And though much of life requires us to perform or carry out activities, it is important to ask Page | 1
ourselves if “Doing” is sometimes prohibitive to our “Being.” Being present to another person – in a way
that recognizes their basic human need to be known, honored and loved. To be respected.
My introduction to Listening House came in 1992 when I answered a call to help write thank you notes –
something I could “do.” I was a freelance writer at the time, and was comfortable around words. When I
got there, the room was filled with many people who struggled with addiction – something I was less
certain I could handle. As many, I came from an alcoholic family, and though my father was sober for 16
years before he died, there was residual stuff that made it difficult being around alcoholics and druggies.
Listening House is a mission of hospitality whose focus is acknowledging the dignity of those we serve.
The founders of LH stated clearly: “Do not preach, do not try to fix, just listen.” They believed that with
the gift of listening, came a gift of healing.
I listened to the then directors speak about the importance of “being present,” a notion that seemed
ethereal almost – insubstantial when stacked up against what these very impoverished people seemed to
need. It took time for me to recognize the significance of what ‘being present’ to another really meant.
Being present is a philosophy that is both poetic and spiritual. After 22 years of concentrating on and
practicing this skill, I can fully attest to the powerful and healing impact listening can have on others.
Our ability to listen is compromised daily by the demands in our lives – not just in our social service
positions but within our personal lives as well. We are busy; we multi-task in an attempt to stay on top of
our responsibilities; we are driven by technology – with all its benefits and short comings – but the result
is that we often feel we’re coming up short on all sides of our life. Some days, we feel used up!
As humans we are sociable creatures who need to be seen and heard. Making someone else feel seen and
heard is one of the most powerful things any of us can do. Maya Angelou once wrote: “People will forget
what you say; they will forget what you do, but they never will forget how you make them feel.”
With unending conflict around the globe, the pressing need to listen and to understand is greater than
ever. Unfortunately, listening is often seen as nothing more than passive awareness or polite attention.
Our discussion today will offer four guiding principles to help enhance your listening effectiveness, but I
am also interested in hearing from you, and how listening well, helped you and someone you worked
with, move forward and succeed.
Some excerpts from this talk appeared in an article, “Gift of Listening” by Richard B. Brooke, 2009
A Moment in Our Day(s)
I am chatting with someone, but before I can finish my sentence, the other person interrupts to share their
thought or finish mine. Or perhaps you are in the middle of expressing something and the other person is
pulled away by a ringing cell phone, or they interrupt you to send an email or text message. Or maybe you
are speaking and the listener is nodding, but you feel s/he has not heard a word you said.
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These common interactions can leave anyone feeling unheard and unimportant, yet they happen to all of
us, everyday. On the other hand, many of us are guilty of listening to others in the same way.
Research suggests we only remember 25-50% of what we hear. That means when we talk to our
colleagues, supervisor, clients, or family members they hear only half of what we’re saying. But, turn that
around and it means when being presented with ideas/information or given direction, WE only hear parts
of a message, too. What if the important parts are not captured in that 25-50%?
Learning to listen well helps us be good at our jobs, and improves our ability to influence, persuade and
negotiate in all our relationships. It can also be helpful in reducing conflict and misunderstandings.
An old cliché notes we have one mouth and two years. Ask yourself: How easy is it to offend someone
with my mouth? How impossible is it to offend someone with my ears? (Heart is a lonely hunter)
Several years ago, Psychology Today staged an experiment to find out the effects of listening by asking
easy, probing questions. Staff members flew to LA from NY in advance of the flight the magazine editor
was on. The editor’s intention was to meet his seatmate and get to know him during the five-hour flight.
Throughout that flight, the editor asked questions and listened. He asked more questions based on what he
felt the seatmate wanted to talk more about, and avoided areas he seemed he didn’t want to discuss.
The seatmate never asked the editor a single question throughout the flight.
When they got off the airplane, staff from Psychology Today met the [seatmate] and asked to interview
him. Their primary question was, “What did you think of the man sitting next to you on the flight?” He
responded: “He was the most interesting man I ever met.”
Conclusion: Being interesting may have nothing to do with your deeds, your opinions or your stories, but
rather your interest in others.
The Gift of Listening
. . . is simply listening with a commitment to hear exactly what another person is saying.
. . . to hear what they are intending to say, but are not.
. . . to even hear what they are purposely not saying
Most importantly, it is hearing what the other person is feeling. S/he may be feeling scared, or angry, or
happy, or sad. The artful listener will feel what the other person is feeling.
Some excerpts from this talk appeared in an article, “Gift of Listening” by Richard B. Brooke, 2009
Think about when any two people come together in conversation. They could be discussing any topic, but
each one comes to the conversation with a need to be heard. They want the other person to hear their
point, their story, their opinion, their accomplishments, and their feelings on a subject.
If their two agendas collide, neither person is heard, nor is either validated. In fact, the result could be hurt
feelings or a damaged relationship.
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To give a gift of listening starts when we set aside, for the moment, our agenda
To do this, we must make a firm decision at the beginning of that conversation to have it be all about the
other person. This commitment doesn’t have to happen in every conversation, but it must be a component
if the goal is for the other person to walk away feeling better about themselves than before they spoke to
you. Paradoxically, they often feel better about you, too. (Trust; building trust in relationship)
(Change; not being change-makers, but building an environment/relationship that supports someone
going through change)
Example: Courage Card
The second thing you must do is to listen with your body, your heart and your intuition – instead of your
mind. Most of us learned to listen using our “conscious mind.” That is the part of the brain that discerns
between right and wrong, wet and dry, good and bad. It is the part where we store opinions on everything
we ever heard, read, experienced or just thought about. Many people go through life engaging in
relationships by using information and opinions tucked away in their conscious mind.
But if we use the conscious mind when we listen, the results can look like an argument or competition.
For example: Weather is a big topic in MN. I tell you about my weather; you tell me about your weather
– but in fact I don’t care about your weather and you don’t care about mine. I tell you what I did this
weekend, and you think, “What a waste of time.” You tell me that so-and-so should have done something
a certain way. I disagree – maybe not verbally, but that’s what I’m thinking.
Unfortunately, it is also how I’m listening.
To offer someone the gift of listening, you must let your body listen! Our bodies can feel whether
something said is true or false, authentic or contrived. When allowed to, our body uses our emotions; our
intuition and our unconscious mind in a way that can really help us hear the whole message.
This kind of listening is hearing WHAT is said, what is INTENDED to be said, what is NOT said, and
what is FELT.
Example: Michael
In order to let our body listen we need to quiet our mind. Begin with a clean slate. Wipe out opinions
about the other person and forget about what you’re looking for in the exchange, other than to understand.
Let the noise of your internal monologue fade. That means if you hear intruding thoughts commenting
about what the person is saying, stop yourself! Then recommit to listening carefully to their words and
Some excerpts from this talk appeared in an article, “Gift of Listening” by Richard B. Brooke, 2009
discern what s/he is feeling and wants to discuss. Repeat this exercise as often as you need to in order to
stay present in the conversation.
The third step is to consider what is called “habitual listening,” or the filters we use when carrying on a
conversation. Common examples of habitual listening:
 I already know this; therefore there’s no reason to listen
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 Get to the point. I don’t have time for a long journey today
 I already know where you’re going with this and can help you get to the end
 I disagree with your position, so I’m done listening
 I am preoccupied by my own life and cannot pay attention to yours
 I am so overwhelmed with who you are that I can’t hear what you’re saying
To identify our unique habits; recognize when they’re in play, and be willing to shut them off when they
pop up- we are on the way to listening well.
Replace old habits with ones that make our ability to listen more powerful, such as:
 I am here to hear all you have to say
 I am here to feel what you are feeling
 I am here to hear what you are not saying
 I am here to get what it is you want me to get about you
 Your story is the only story right now
 Your opinions carry opportunities for me to learn
 At this moment I see through your eyes, hear through your ears and feel with your heart
 Today, you speak and I listen . . . really listen
Example of Sean and Matt
Example of Emily
The fourth step is to ask hunch-led questions. These questions come from your gut, they are instinctual;
they are intuitive, often representing what’s called our “sixth sense.” You feel the emotion in the
room/space/telephone and a particular question is almost begging to be asked. You might be tempted to
ask the question as clarification or to extend the conversation. But, remember . . .
Hunch-led questions are different than those coming from our conscious mind. Mind questions already
know the answer and just want to know if they’re right. Mind questions usually have opinions behind
them, and have already been thought out. If you find yourself wanting to ask a Mind Question, DON’T.
On the other hand, if your gut is suggesting a question, ask it. Ask it even if it feels intrusive, too bold or
frankly, none of your business.
Example of Sunshine
Example of Beth
Some excerpts from this talk appeared in an article, “Gift of Listening” by Richard B. Brooke, 2009
Being present to someone or listening at a deep level might seem like it takes a lot of energy and time. It
may or may not, depending on the person or topic. In reality, this level of listening can be applied to a 30second conversation, or a 3-hour one. But when the conversation is over, you likely would have honored
someone. For people who have not felt connected, feeling seen and heard is huge. But we as listeners also
benefit; we now know more, we often appreciate what their story taught us, or maybe we simply
recognize the blessings in our lives.
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This is what it means to say, “With the gift of listening, comes a gift of healing.”
Recommended Reading: Listening Leaders: The Ten Golden Rules to Listen, Lead & Succeed
by Dr. Lyman K. Steil and Dr. Richard K. Bommelje
Some excerpts from this talk appeared in an article, “Gift of Listening” by Richard B. Brooke, 2009