January - Great Walleye Assault

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January, 2003
GWA – 2003
The Official Newsletter of the 19th Annual Great Walleye Assault
Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle
Condemns GWA as “Crude Affair”
“GWA-2003 & Leinie’s Guys WiLL continue WAr on
poLiticAL correctness!”
-- Tailspinner
A
belch here…an
offhand fart there…the passing comment
about a store clerk’s bosom…the streak
of obligatory cussing when a good fish is
lost at the net…ripping a bait shop
attendant a new one when they count out
minnows …all things that have become
anticipated and expected at GWA.
Chippewa
Falls,
WI
Yet, it was precisely this kind of rich
tradition that was blasted by Wisconsin’s
44th Governor James Doyle during his
inauguration speech in Madison on
Tuesday. While not actually referring to
the GWA or the Leinie’s Guys by name,
Doyle attacked those who “failed to be
good citizens” and who “acted without
regard for society’s expectations.”
Doyle went on to vow to devote his time
in office to “making everything nice.”
In an impromptu press conference held
immediately afterwards at Loopy’s Bar
(on the outskirts of Chippewa Falls),
GWA
event
coordinator
Buck
Tailspinner unleashed some pent-up rage
against those who would try to restrict
and/or refine the GWA experience.
“It is no secret,” decried Tailspinner,
“that there are those in this great state
who would look down their collective
bureaucratic snouts at events such as
GWA! Yes, there are those who would
say that the Leinie’s Guys and their
guests have on occasion strayed across
the boundaries of good taste and even, in
some cases, have behaved in a socially
unacceptable fashion…that we have
been ‘politically incorrect’. Well, to
that I say “YOU BET YOUR ASS!”
That’s what GWA is all about, man! It’s
a chance for guys to get away from it all
and just be guys.”
Tailspinner went on to state that GWA
Headquarters would continue to support
the Leinie’s Guys in their search for the
absolute boundaries of good taste and
social decorum. “Guys like these are the
wretched refuse that built America. I’m
not about to sit by and let Jim Doyle
disparage the Leinie’s Guys and
America like that. It may just be time
for me to make a trip down to Madison
and introduce Jimmy to a little thing I
like to refer to as the All-American
wedgie,” concluded Tailspinner.
Flemma Pledge Dollars
Still Unaccounted For
In the wake of GWA-2002 and as a
double-snub gesture to his ex-wife and
her new wallet, advertising executive
Jerry “Ad-Boy” Flemma committed to a
substantial monetary pledge to the
GWA-2003 coffers.
“To date we haven’t seen squat,”
reported GWA CFO and staff artist
Dean-o Radke. “If Flemma sent the
money in, then we must have lost it…or
maybe spent it on beer, I don’t know. In
any event, it’s just not here. I’ll have to
call and have him send another check.”
2003 Camp Wenches
Named!!!!!
You read that right, gentlemen. The
camp wenches (yes, plural!) are already
on board for the GWA-2003 campaign.
It turns out that, after meeting the
Leinie’s Guys in person and seeing
GWA photos, Jean Leinenkugel and
Michelle Flemma were two eager
beavers. So in a bold move, Buck
Tailspinner signed them both for camp
wench duties at the 2003 campaign.
Said Tailspinner, “I don’t know that we
really need two camp wenches, but after
so many years of no-shows, what the
hell? This should give us 24/7 coverage.
Even if only one of them shows up,
we’ll be way better off.”
Welcome to camp, ladies!
(Man, that’s what I call a sponsor!)
Leinie Lodge to make
appearance at GWA-2003;
B.A.S.S. Fund Formed
In what is sure to be a state campground
first, Dick Leinenkugel has announced
that the Leinie Lodge will be on hand for
GWA-2003.
Event organizer Buck
Tailspinner thanked Leinenkugel for the
use of the Lodge and made the following
statement: “Ever since the staging of the
first GWA nineteen years ago, we have
recognized the danger posed by severe
thirst and have fought diligently against
this threat. The Leinie Lodge is sure to
be a powerful weapon in this battle. In
the wrong hands, a weapon like the
Lodge could be disastrous …therefore,
we must use the Lodge for good.
Having said that, I am proud to
announce the creation of a new
charitable foundation which will be the
recipient of proceeds generated by the
Lodge … the B.A.S.S. Fund”
“The B.A.S.S. Fund
(Breast
Augmentation Surgery Support Fund)
will be there to assist chest-challenged
women in the Northwoods,” explained
B.A.S.S. Fund chairman and camp
snoob expert Joe ‘JJ” Henry. “It’s a sad
fact that lots of gals out there have been
short-changed. Mother Nature has not
allowed their cups to runneth over, if
you know what I mean. Sure, they’d like
to have bigger breasts (and we’d like
that too), but breast augmentation
surgery is expensive. Unfortunately, not
every woman who wants a set of
monster casabas can afford them. So
we’ve decided to utilize the Leinie
Lodge and our love of beer to raise
money to address this injustice.”
Leinie Lodge/B.A.S.S. Fund (cont…)
“A donation of $0.25 for every beer
dispensed from the Lodge during GWA2003 will be made to the B.A.S.S.
Fund,” explained Henry.
Qualified
applicants* will see the B.A.S.S. Fund
match every dollar they spend to get
their sweaters filled. It’ll be like a ‘buy
one, get one free’ deal.”
God bless America, gentlemen!
* Applicants must agree to both ‘before’ and ‘after’ breast
evaluations by the Leinie’s Guys.
Puck Johnson Files
Lawsuit Against Fitness
Organization
Dale “Puck” Johnson announced
Tuesday that he had filed a lawsuit on
behalf of the Great Walleye Assault
against the Life Waves Co. of
Copafeel, Georgia.
Johnson said the lawsuit was instigated
after he heard a radio advertisement by
the firm. “They were announcing this
‘revolutionary new exercise regimen’
touting short bursts of activity followed
by long periods of rest,” explained
Johnson. “Then they come up with
some fancy-boy name for it like ‘cicadan
rhythm’ or something and are charging
people $29.95/month to sign up for it.”
>The Guys get up and are sitting around
enjoying their morning cup of java
when, suddenly, Jackson’s colon spasms
and he breaks into an all-out sprint for
the nearest crapper…and then doesn’t
make another quick move the rest of the
day. Pretty cicada-like, I’d say.
>The Guys are sitting around the
campfire and when a crumpled up
grocery bag is innocently tossed into the
flames. The bag ignites and the glowing
ball of embers is lifted upward in the
breeze and begins drifting toward the
screen tent. Seeing a disaster in the
making, a Leinie’s Guy springs from his
chair and does more flailing in 15
seconds than in an entire kung fu movie
to alter the course of the fireball. He
returns to his seat, spent. How cicadalike is that?
>JJ Henry sits in the stern of his canoe
on the shore of Plunkett Lake. An offcenter step by another Leinie’s Guy
boarding the craft has the canoe turning
like a spit at a spanfarkel. In less time
than it takes to say it, JJ does 165
windmills with his arms, followed by a
crisp 3 meter freestyle swim. Take the
rest of the day off, man!”
“Revolutionary new exercise regimen
my ass!” belched Johnson. “Why, just
look at the GWA tapes over the past 18
years! The Leinie’s Guys have been
pioneering this sort of workout for
almost two decades!”
“And these are just a few examples,”
continued Johnson. “The GWA archives
are chocked full of guys sitting on their
butts for 22-23 hours a day; but, with
just a few short bursts of activity, like
getting up to grab a beer or chasing a
coon out of camp, still managing to
maintain their ideal body weights. If
anybody’s going to make a buck off the
years of research we’ve put in, it ought
to be us!”
Johnson challenged, “Just take a look at
your typical day in camp…
Great work on protecting this chunk of
GWA intellectual property, Puck!
Ask a Leinie’s Guy…
Q: Hey Leinie’s Guy, I’ve heard that
people are paying big bucks to have their
colons cleansed. What’s the deal with
that?
L.G.: Great question! Let me just crack
a Creamy Dark before we delve into the
bowels of this subject…
Consume the first 4 ingredients and take
a brisk 1/2-mile walk followed by just
20 jumping jacks (cicada-like). Use the
venison jerky to bite down on while the
whole mixture evicts itself from your
lower intestines.
Keet says this blend is like Drano for
your pipes. The whole key, he says, is to
generate a lot of “muzzle velocity” at
release.
Okay, colon cleansing. The theory is
that the whole time you’re livin’, eatin’,
drinkin’, and poopin’, your internal
plumbing is slowly gunkin’ up like a
hair ball in a sink trap and occasionally it
needs to be flushed out to keep things
running smooth.
The whole colon
cleansing thing attempts to remove these
‘hairballs’ by stickin’ hoses in places
they were never intended to be and
opening the hydrants.
Good work on this one, Keet and thanks
for the simple and economical
alternative.
Not a very pleasant thought…and, at $75
to $100 a splash, pretty costly as well.
As we close in on nearly two decades of
men doing manly things in the
Northwoods, let us pause and give
thanks for the natural resources available
to us and for the good friends to share
them with. Okay, now get your butts in
gear! We’ve got a ton of stuff to do!
Fortunately, the Leinie’s Guys have
developed a more natural solution. Keet
Moericke, who knows more than most
about the human bung, has perfected a
dietary, colon-scrubbing alternative.
Recipe: 6 Bottles Leinie’s Creamy Dark
1 ½ lb. Beer Nuts
5 baby carrots
3/4 cup shredded wheat
1 piece venison jerky
Buck Shots…
If I could belch colors, I’d be living in a
rainbow. Gentlemen, the countdown has
begun. Less than 120 days to prepare
for the bladder-stretching experience of
yet another Great Walleye Assault.
Let’s do it, men!
Buck
Buck Tailspinner, Editor
Reminder: GWA-2003 is slated for
May 10 – May 18, 2003 at Big
Lake Campground -- site 35
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