1
Book by Gabe Congdon
Music and Lyrics by Mimi Sparks
A Pocket Full of Plays
The Biz © 2011 A Pocket Full of Plays
www.musicalsandplaysforkids.com
970-628-1960
THIS IS A PERUSAL SCRIPT. ABSOLUTELY NO COPYING PERMITTED.
2
CAST
TIM GOLDMAN…………………………………………………………………………
MR. GLUE…………………………………………………………………………………
BARRY THE BEAK………………………………………………………………………
TOO TALL TONY……………………………………………………………………….
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS………………………………………………………………
BARRY THE BUTCHER…………………………………………………………………
FLAPPER GIRLS
GIDDY GLORIA…………………………………………………………………………
BRAZEN BETTY…………………………………………………………………………
DARLING DIXIE…………………………………………………………………………
FLAPPER FANNY……………………………………………………………………….
HONEY MUFFIN…………………………………………………………………………
COPS
MCAFEE………………………………………………………………………………….
DOWNY………………………………………………………………………………….
MCCLELLAN…………………………………………………………………………….
DANCERS
LILLY………………………………………………………………………………………
FAY……………………………………………………………………………………….
HOLLY……………………………………………………………………………………
STEPHANIE………………………………………………………………………………
MOVIE CREW
SCOTTY (CAMERAMAN)………………………………………………………………
GLENDA (COSTUME DIRECTOR)……………………………………………………
ANNA (MAKEUP ARTIST).…………………………………………………………….
MARY (ASSISTANT DIRECTOR)………………………………………………………
The Biz © 2011 A Pocket Full of Plays
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970-628-1960
THIS IS A PERUSAL SCRIPT. ABSOLUTELY NO COPYING PERMITTED.
3
Overture
Musical begins following a brief overture highlighting tuneful snippets of songs
within the script. Following the applause, the lights come up with the cast set on
stage in various “freeze” positions. As the music begins, they come to life
and begin to sing.
THE BIZ
(Cast)
Everywhere you look, people you see
They’re running to and fro
Look ‘em in the eye, they seem so intent
Where have they got to go?
Doctors, lawyers, seamstresses, and clerks
Nobody shirks, everyone works
Buying food to put on the table
Is money well spent. Then we pay rent.
You could be a thug or a rich movie star
As long as you know what’s what
A lotta’ elbow grease is all that it takes
Without it you aint got squat!
Some folks think that life’s unfair to them
They’re in the wrong niche. They’d like to switch.
There’s no easy street, I’m telling’ ya
We may be square, but hey, we don’t care
Your favorite thing to do is a good place to start
You don’t have to be a whiz
If you’re working at all to stay alive
The Biz © 2011 A Pocket Full of Plays
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970-628-1960
THIS IS A PERUSAL SCRIPT. ABSOLUTELY NO COPYING PERMITTED.
4
You’re part of the stinkin’ biz
Don’t worry about it, you’re doin’ just fine
You’re part of the stinkin’, ever-lovin’ lovely,
Part of the stinkin’ biz.
Blackout
Scene 1
SETTING: Tim Goldman’s empty apartment containing a desk and chair on an empty
stage
AT RISE: Tim is seated with his feet propped up on desk and a book in his hands.
TIM: It was typical night. I had just eaten a sandwich, finished some Fred Astaire and
Ginger Rogers flick, and now I was settling in to read my favorite book. A typical
night…when suddenly danger struts my way. I look out my window, and the streets
are dark with something other than nighttime.
Gangsters enter from stage left.
MR. GLUE: Barry the Beak will you please grab me a seat? (Barry the Beak throws Tim
out of his chair and gives it to Mr. Glue.) There, now we can get business started. Let
me introduce you to my brood. Barry the Beak, whom you’ve already met. (Barry the
Beak sniffs the air in a malevolent fashion.) This is Too Tall Tony.
TOO TALL TONY: If you ask me how’s the weather up there, it’s gunna start raining
my fist in your face.
MR. GLUE: This is Freddie Four Fingers…
TIM: Excuse me, hate to interrupt but, you seem to have all of your fingers.
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: Kid, it’s just a name. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Like
that uh, Richard the Lionhearted, he didn’t get surgery to have an actual lion heart
transplanted into his…I mean come on.
BARRY THE BEAK: Yeah, ridiculous.
MR. GLUE: And finally, Barry the Butcher, which coincidentally is not merely a
nickname but Barry’s part-time job on the weekends.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: On the corner of 8th and White, the finest cut sirloin this
side of the Mississippi.
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970-628-1960
THIS IS A PERUSAL SCRIPT. ABSOLUTELY NO COPYING PERMITTED.
5
TIM: Somebody on the other side can cut better?
BARRY THE BUTCHER: Yeah this guy named Collin; I mean, he’s a true artist.
MR. GLUE: Not now Barry! Back to business; we have come here to your (looks around)
abode to collect what is ours.
TIM: What do you mean?
TOO TALL TONY: Money, kid!
BARRY THE BEAK: Cold hard cash!
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: Doesn’t have to be cold.
MR. GLUE: We were told to get our money from a Tim Goldman. Your name’s Tim
Goldman—now, we want our money.
TIM: You have the wrong guy, fellas. I’ve never seen or talked to anyone of you in my
life.
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: Oh, wise guy huh?
BARRY THE BEAK: I thought we was the wise guys.
MR. GLUE: Not now Barry.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: Are you talking to him, or are you still talking to me?
MR. GLUE: Your name’s Goldman, Goldman, and you owe a lot of money. We do not
like to play games Mr. Goldman. We are not here to play games.
GANGSTER’S LAMENT
(Gangsters)
You wouldn’t think to look at us now
That we were rotten to the core
Good guys come, a dozen a bunch
They’re nothing to us; we eat ‘em for lunch!
Sometimes we think we ought to be good
Behave like decent chaps might do.
But then we have to face it, we’re nefarious and shifty.
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970-628-1960
THIS IS A PERUSAL SCRIPT. ABSOLUTELY NO COPYING PERMITTED.
6
We’re bad guys through and through!
How could we be someone to admire
Go to church with our mothers?
Sing in the choir?
It’s gotta be something that we don’t mind
Like walk our girlfriend’s dog
The little yappy kind.
We live it up, we shake ‘em down.
Everyone jumps when we say “boo”!
It gives us quite a thrill to be so nasty and mean,
We’re bad guys through and through!
MR. GLUE: Now are you going to give it to us, or are we going to have some
discrepancies?
Just then all of the Gangster’s Flapper Girls bust through the door from stage left.
GIDDY GLORIA: Are you guys done yet?
BRAZEN BETTY: When it rains, do you know how stuffy it gets in that car?
HONEY MUFFIN: It’s a Turkish bath in there.
DARLING DIXIE: And it’s crowded in there enough as it is.
FLAPPER FANNY: We’re like sardines in there.
GIDDY GLORIA: I bet sardines have more room.
BRAZEN BETTY: Yeah, I bet the sardines’ boyfriends don’t buy the cheapest car and
leave them in it to wait all night and get smelly.
MR. GLUE: Are you girls talking about fish over there?
BARRY THE BEAK: I’m getting hungry.
GIDDY GLORIA: Well what are we supposed to do? You guys are always working.
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970-628-1960
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FLAPPER FANNY: We never have any fun.
HONEY MUFFIN: We never go out anymore.
DARLING DIXIE: What are WE supposed to do when you’re working all the time?
MR. GLUE: Not now! Not in front of a…client.
TIM: Well, I’ll just give all of you some privacy.
MR. GLUE: Not so fast tough guy.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: I thought we were the tough guys.
MR. GLUE: Barry!
HONEY MUFFIN: Don’t listen to him, Barry. I think you’re the toughest guy in town.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: Thanks honey.
MR. GLUE: If you please! Now back to business; we either want our money, Mr.
Goldman, or your kneecaps. What’s it going to be?
TIM: I don’t have any money. Look at this place, all can afford is this table and that
chair.
FLAPPER FANNY: Yeah the place does look a little sparse.
TIM: I’m a low-budget film director. I have to put my own money into any of the
movies I produce. I don’t make any money.
GIDDY GLORIA: Did you say you’re in the picture business?
BRAZEN BETTY: Like the movin’ picture business?
HONEY MUFFIN: The Silver Screen?
DARLING DIXIE: Like with scripts and cameras and costumes and makeup and stuff?
TIM: Well yeah, but B pictures. Low budget are the key words here. So I don’t have
any money; I barely have any producers to back my projects up...
GIDDY GLORIA: Do you know John Barrymore?
BRAZEN BETTY: Do you know Charlie Chaplin?
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970-628-1960
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FLAPPER FANNY: Do you know Gary Cooper?
HONEY MUFFIN: Do you know Greta Garbo?
DARLING DIXIE: Do you know…
TIM: No I…
MR. GLUE: Girls, will you excuse the famous movie director and me for a moment.
Girls cross stage left and talk to each other.
MR. GLUE: Perhaps my colleagues and me came across a little too harsh at first. Barry,
get the boy his seat back. Now let’s talk business. So, you owe money all over
town…
TIM: But I don’t—I…
TOO TALL TONY: Who doesn’t?
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: I know I sure do.
MR. GLUE: We all do, but let’s forget about that now. We was wondering if perhaps
you’d cast our girls in one of your movin’ pictures and get them out of our hair for a
little bit while we go deal with some real dangerous characters.
BARRY THE BEAK: Some real rogues.
TIM: Well, I don’t know about that. I mean, I can’t just use anybody off the street.
TOO TALL TONY: Our girls’ aint from the street are they Barry?
BOTH BARRYS: Nope.
TIM: That’s not what I mean.
MR. GLUE: We would consider it a personal favor.
Tim thinks for a moment and crosses to the girls.
TIM: Would any of you ladies, perhaps, be in one of my pictures?
The girls shriek with joy. Tim looks back at the gangsters who are nodding slightly.
Slow fadeout.
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Scene 2
SETTING: In a park, possibly under a streetlamp
AT RISE: Officer McAfee and Officer Downy are seated on park bench.
DOWNY: You know, I’m feeling sick today. I really shouldn’t be out of bed. Feel my
forehead. Does it seem hot to you?
MCAFEE: No, it seems fine.
DOWNY: Well I feel awful. I think I should go home immediately.
MCAFEE: You can’t go home.
DOWNY: Why not?
MCAFEE: Because, eh, well my foot hurts. And I need to see one of them foot doctors
soon, like today, so you’ll have to…uh…cover for me.
DOWNY: No way, I was feeling sick way before your foot started hurting.
MCAFEE: No sir!
DOWNY: Yes sir!
Sergeant McClellan enters from stage right.
MCLELLAN: Officers, you should be ashamed of yourselves. This town is in peril.
Ordinary citizens need us. They rely on us to keep them from danger, to keep the
streets safe, so mothers and children can go about out of harm’s way. Now I know
the gangster epidemic is the highest it’s ever been. Remember, it’s always darkest
before the dawn.
THE FORCE
(Cops)
We are the force, the mighty force!
We’re here to save you from disaster.
The guys with masks and capes are nothing next to us.
Call on the force. We can do it faster.
In the dark there’s danger everywhere.
Something evil’s climbing up the stairs.
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970-628-1960
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10
Someone’s in the shadows over there.
Looks as if we haven’t got a prayer.
When out of the gloom, ‘midst all the doom
The force arrives, we survive.
The force is here, everyone cheer
We’re here to save the day. Yay!
We are the force, the mighty force!
Our muscles ripple and our eyes are flashing.
Our uniforms are pressed, we’re tidy as a pin.
Wouldn’t you say we look dashing?
We’ll give the victims all a thorough bashing!
The overall effect is simply smashing!
MCCLELLAN: So cheer up boys. Someone will stop them.
MCAFEE: That’s a weight off my back!
DOWNY: Talk about a relief. So who’s going to stop them Sergeant?
MCCLELLAN: We are, you idiots. I was talking about us.
DOWNY AND MCAFEE: Oh.
MCCLELLAN: I know the job is daunting, I know the road is dark, but in the end we
will persevere—for good always conquers evil. So don’t look so grim boys. What’s
so different about them, huh? They’ve got guns and we’ve got guns.
DOWNY: Yes, but they’ve had much more practice shooting them than we have.
MCAFEE: Yeah, they practice shooting people like every day!
DOWNY: Yeah, sometimes twice a day. I’m not even sure I know how to work my
safety, Sarg.
MCCLELLAN: Enough. Now are we men or are we mice?
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970-628-1960
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DOWNY: Would the mice have to fight the gangsters, Sarg?
MCCLELLAN: I’m just going to have to stop asking you two questions. Now get out
there.
DOWNY: Fine. (Nobody moves.)
MCCLELLAN: I said get out there.
MCAFEE: Ok, just, you go first Sarg.
DOWNY: Yeah, lead us off Sarg.
MCCLELLAN: What! Me? I uh…no. You go first.
DOWNY: No you.
MCCLELLAN: You.
DOWNY AND MCAFEE: You.
MCCLELLAN: You.
DOWNY AND MCAFEE: You.
MCCLELLAN: Enough! Stop! We’ll go at the same time ok?
They begin to walk slowly offstage left. A big THUD is heard offstage.
The three jump and run offstage left screaming. Blackout.
SETTING: Set of the movie
Scene 3
AT RISE: On stage the crew and the dancers are preparing to shoot the scene.
LILLY: All right girls, let’s go through it one more time.
FAY: Come on Lilly, my dogs are barking.
LILLY: Yeah, well, they’re not barking loud enough.
GLENDA: (While fixing Holly’s hair) Has anyone seen my bobby pins?
STEPHANIE: Lilly, is it step turn pivot or pivot step turn?
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ANNA: (As she messes with Fay’s costume) Yeah, I think I saw them on the chest over
there.
LILLY: Step turn pivot.
GLENDA: Thanks.
SCOTTY: (From behind the camera) Hey Mary, do you think this shot is too wide
because I don’t want to get all of the ceiling.
MARY: (Moves to look through camera. Tim enters.) I think it looks fine. Tim, can you look
at this? (Tim moves to look through camera.)
LILLY: Holly, can you move over? You’re really cramping my pas de bourrée.
HOLLY: We’re all crowded here. Maybe you should take smaller steps.
FAY: Yeah. And while we’re at it, Stephanie is too tall to be down front. I can’t even
SEE the camera.
STEPHANIE: Oh yeah, THAT would be a real shame.
FAY: Why I outta…
LILLY: Girls, we don’t have much time, so will you all please put a sock in it. Now,
from the top.
TIM: I think it looks fine. Anna can you make sure the dancers are all in makeup.
ANNA: Sure thing Tim.
TIM: Mary, will you help Glenda with wardrobe; the dancers outnumber her four to
one.
MARY: Sure thing Tim.
TIM: Thank you, Mary.
MARY: Anything for you, Tim.
TIM: Scotty.
SCOTTY: Yeah boss.
TIM: Here’s what I have in mind… (They huddle together.)
STEPHANIE: You know, they don’t pay me enough to kick this high.
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13
HOLLY: You’re telling me; I think my cat eats better than I do.
FAY: And probably more frequent.
LILLY: Now hush girls. We knew what we got into when we signed up. We all have to
make sacrifices.
GLENDA: At least you guys get to be in the movie. Anna and I work our fingers to the
bone just to make you look good, so I don’t want to hear another word.
LILLY: She’s right girls. Now, once Glenda and Mary are through with us, I want you
to take five and we’ll start from the…
The Gangsters and Flappers enter from stage left. Everybody stops what they’re doing and
stares. It is quiet onstage for a few moments.
SCOTTY: I don’t have any money. Please don’t shoot me.
TIM: Scotty! These are my stars. Are we all ready to start filming ladies?
GIDDY GLORIA: We sure are Mr. Director. We been practicing all day.
MR. GLUE: All right girls, we have to run a few errands (winks at Tim). You be good
girls for our pal Tim here. Let me know if they “act” up. Let’s get outta here boys.
Gangsters exit stage left.
TIM: Everybody gather round now. We’ve added some new cast member to the, eh,
cast. So I’ve rewritten the script. Mary, pass out the new script. I’ve had to change
some things, nothing much but uh…
LILLY: I’ll say! You took away all my lines and gave them to these bimbos.
GIDDY GLORIA: Who you calling bimbos?
TIM: Ladies please. Everybody except for our new actress, take fifteen.
Crew and Dancers exit stage right.
TIM: Mary will you try and patch things up.
MARY: Sure but what’s going on?
TIM: I got myself into something.
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MARY: How?
TIM: I don’t know.
Mary exits stage right.
TIM: Now girls, let’s just go through… (Giddy Gloria raises her hand.) Yes?
GIDDY GLORIA: For this most honored occasion, I have prepared an audition.
TIM: You really don’t have to…
GIDDY GLORIA: (Clearing throat) “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps
into this petty place from day to…”
TIM: Thanks, that was wonderful, but we really don’t have time to do that to
Shakespeare. So can I have Betty, Gloria, and…what’s your name again?
DARLING DIXIE: Darling Dixie.
TIM: Yes, well, will you turn to page twenty-two? Betty can you read Elisa, Gloria read
Blanch, and Dixie read Mrs. Whitfield.
GIDDY GLORIA: When…
BRAZEN BETTY: No, I start.
GIDDY GLORIA: Wait, where are we?
DARLING DIXIE: Betty starts, doesn’t she?
BRAZEN BETTY: Let me see your script.
GIDDY GLORIA: Oh twenty-two. Wait, where are we?
HONEY MUFFIN: Hurry up you three; I want to get to MY scene.
TIM: Are we ready?
DARLING DIXIE: Sure are Mr. Director.
Mary enters from stage right.
BRAZEN BETTY: “Jeez I hope that Mr. Joehinson.”
TIM: Johnson.
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BRAZEN BETTY: Oh, Johnson (giggles), sorry.
TIM: Just keep going.
BRAZEN BETTY: “Jeez I hope that Mr. Johnson liked my audition.”
GIDDY GLORIA: “Me too. I can’t stand working at that diner any longer.”
BRAZEN BETTY: “If we don’t get this part, I don’t know what I will do.”
GIDDY GLORIA: “I just hope my dance audition was good enough. I wonder if Mr.
Johnson saw me do the splits.” I don’t have to be able to do the splits to do this part
do I? Cause I’m about as flexible as a, uh, umm…
FLAPPER FANNY: A metal board.
GIDDY GLORIA: Yeah, thank you Fanny. I’m as flexible as a metal board.
HONEY MUFFIN: She can’t even touch her toes.
GIDDY GLORIA: Well, I can touch my toes. See? (She lifts her foot and touches her toes.)
Touching my toes is not the problem.
TIM: We’ll fix that later. Just keep reading.
BRAZEN BETTY: “Oh no, here she comes, our landlord, that witch Mrs. Whitfield.”
DARLING DIXIE: Sorry, but I’m not a real witch, right? She’s just calling me one
because…
TIM: No, you’re not a real witch, continue.
DARLING DIXIE: “Well if it isn’t the Broadway babies. I want my rent money and I
want it now, or you are out of here.” (She says this like a baseball umpire.)
BRAZEN BETTY: “Please, Mrs. Whitfield. Please!”
GIDDY GLORIA: No Betty, I have a line first.
BRAZEN BETTY: Oh, sorry Gloria.
GIDDY GLORIA: All’s forgiven. “We don’t have the money yet, but we should have it
real soon. Please don’t kick us out Mrs. Whitfield.” (Pause) Now you say your line.
BRAZEN BETTY: “Please Mrs. Whitfield. Please!”
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DARLING DIXIE: “I’ve had it up to here with…”
TIM: Thank you ladies. I think I need to go see someone about uh…take fifteen and run
through your lines.
FLAPPER FANNY: But we didn’t even get to our parts.
TIM: We will later.
HONEY MUFFIN: Ok, let’s go girls. Thanks Mr. Director.
Flappers exit stage left.
MARY: The new girls are…well…they’re pretty.
TIM: How much did you see?
MARY: I came in when one of them compared their flexibility to a metal board.
TIM: What am I going to do?
MARY: What happened?
TIM: I don’t know. Last night, five gangsters barged into my place demanding money
that I apparently owed them.
MARY: Tim, you borrowed money from the mafia! You know better than that.
TIM: I didn’t borrow any money; they got me confused with some other Goldman. So I
told them I’d put their girlfriends in the show in exchange for not breaking my legs.
Mary what am I going to do? Those girls, they’re terrible. And I have a feeling if the
mobsters don’t like the movie, they’re going to ask for a payment another way. I’m a
dead man Mary.
MARY: Just go to the police Tim.
TIM: Yeah, and when I’m done talking to them, I’ll just put a big target on my back. No
Mary, we’ve got to think of something else.
MARY: We?
TIM: Oh, I’m sorry Mary. I don’t want to get you involved in any of this. It’s just
you’ve always been at my side when I’ve needed your help. I couldn’t have done
anything over the years if I didn’t have you looking over my shoulder to make sure I
wasn’t messing something up. You’ve been there when I needed you most.
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MARY: We’ll find a way out of this Tim, together.
HOPELESS LOVE
(Tim and Mary)
Mary:
Does he like me? Really like me?
Should I tell him how I feel?
I’m a nothing. He’s a winner.
Besides which, I have no appeal.
When I look in his eyes, I get such a rush.
Those beautiful eyes. Boy do I have a crush!
My heart is pounding. I need some grounding.
I’m losing all control.
I can’t tell him. No, I can’t tell him
About the feelings in my soul.
Tim:
Boy I like her, I really like her
I wonder if she could like me.
I’m pathetic and nonathletic
A human wreck is what you see.
If I took her hand
Would she hand it back to me?
Kissed her and ran
Oh, that’s a good strategy!
Both:
Crazy! I must be crazy!
I don’t know where to start.
It’s hopeless, simply hopeless.
I could never win her(his) heart.
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Both:
I’m doomed to walk the Earth all alone.
Blackout
Scene 4
SETTING: Set of the movie later that day
AT RISE: The movie crew is taking their break.
SCOTTY: When do we have to go back to work?
GLENDA: We’ve got about five or so minutes.
ANNA: If I have one more dancer take off their makeup, I’m gunna scream. Can you
talk to them or something?
MARY: Huh?
ANNA: Talk to the dancers…about taking off their makeup and putting on their own.
MARY: Uh, yeah sure, I can uh…do that.
SCOTTY: So that’s why the picture has been looking too bright.
ANNA: Yeah, they take off my makeup and put on their own, and they look like
anorexic clowns.
GLENDA: Mary, why don’t you go to Tim about it?
MARY: Go to Tim about what?
ANNA: About what we just talked about. Mary, you ok? You seem like you’re in
another place.
MARY: Sorry I just have a lot on my mind. Working with Tim, I think about him a
lot…I think about what he needs me to do, what he expects me to do. He has a lot
going on.
ANNA: Yeah, he seems like he’s got enough problems.
GLENDA: Well I know how he feels; each one of those girls has different hip sizes,
different waist sizes, different shoes, different everything. And when I finally get the
costumes done, not a single dancer doesn’t have a problem with it. It’s either too
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19
small or too tight, or it doesn’t have enough sequins. I only have two hands here.
But do they thank me? Noooo.
ANNA: Do you guys ever think about why we do this?
SCOTTY: Do what? Take breaks?
ANNA: These jobs. Why we put up with arrogant actors, snobby dancers, slave driver
directors. All the thankless work we do. By the time my name appears in the credits,
the theater is empty. What about you Mary?
MARY: Oh, I do like the credits.
SCOTTY: I was never a really good actor I guess.
GLENDA: Yeah, me neither. That and I like costumes, I like the world of fabric. Just
because nobody sees me in movies doesn’t mean they don’t see the costumes I make.
Where would Charlie Chaplin be without that small suit and floppy shoes?
SCOTTY: Yeah, and I don’t mind working the camera. Some of the best directors credit
their work to good cameramen. I don’t think I’m one of them quite yet, but it gives
me something to work up to.
GLENDA: And makeup is just as important. I’ve seen movies where the lead actors
looked like zombies because of bad makeup. Don’t let those dancers get you
discouraged kid.
ANNA: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thanks guys.
GLENDA: Besides, have you ever thought what it would be like to be Charlie Chaplin?
ANNA: No.
GLENDA: It must be terrible, not being able to walk outside or go to a restaurant
without somebody recognizing you, asking for your autograph, losing that sense of
privacy, that feeling of individuality. No way would I want that life.
SCOTTY: She’s right. When the workday is done, we get to go back to who we are—
our own private life. Actors don’t get that. Actors are always acting. Know what I’m
saying? Beside we’re responsible for what they call theater magic. I’d much rather be
a magician than a movie star.
IT’S NOTHING
(Movie Crew)
A few yards of fabric, some sequins and beads.
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20
Needle, thread, imagination, that’s all we need
To turn a working girl into a princess.
It’s nothing. We do it all day!
A roar from the distance. A shadow on the wall,
A boy is running down the street to escape from it all.
You’ve got your horror movie nightmare.
It’s nothing. What can we say?
We turn girls into boys, boys into zombies,
Shadows and rouge do the trick.
Transformations ‘r us. No one does it better.
Come to us we’ll fix you up quick!
We’re working and working with no end in sight.
The costumes and the scenery, the makeup and lights.
Oh did we tell you the money is lousy?
It’s nothing. What can we say?
It’s nothing. We’re unsung heroes!
It’s nothing. We’re really clever!
It’s nothing. We do it all day!
ANNA: Yeah, I guess you guys are right.
SCOTTY: Sure we are. Besides what have you got to complain about? It’s either this or
the breadline.
GLENDA: You wouldn’t want that now.
SCOTTY: Hey Anna, you ever hear that the camera adds ten pounds.
ANNA: Yeah.
SCOTTY: Well if those dancers give you any more trouble, I know a trick that will add
twenty pounds.
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21
ANNA: Thanks Scotty.
GLENDA: Well, we’ve got to get back to work. (They begin to exit stage right.)
ANNA: You coming Mary?
MARY: Yeah, I’ll be right there. (She hugs herself.)
Blackout
Scene 5
SETTING: Set of the movie later that day
AT RISE: Dancers are rehearsing the musical number.
LILLY: All right, girls do you want to run through it one more time?
ALL: No.
LILLY: Ok, I guess we can take a small break. I can’t believe Mr. Goldman gave all our
lines to those lousy flapper girls.
FAY: I bet they couldn’t act their way out of a paper sack.
HOLLY: Say, did you see those guys they came in with?
STEPHANIE: Do you think they were wise guys?
LILLY: Oh girls, don’t be silly.
FAY: But think about it—they looked tough and they were in nice suits.
HOLLY: Yeah, they’re either mobsters or bankers with style.
LILLY: They don’t look like any bankers I’ve seen before.
FAY: Maybe they’re just misunderstood.
LILLY: How can you say that? Mobsters are criminals, miscreants, horrible people.
STEPHANIE: Yeah, maybe they got big hearts.
FAY: They’re the bees knees if ya ask me.
HOLLY: Tall, dark, and handsome.
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22
STEPHANIE: And those expensive suits. They look good enough to take home to mom
and dad.
LILLY: I don’t think you’d want to introduce your parents to a gangster.
FAY: Why can’t I meet anyone like that?
LILLY: I’ll tell you why. It’s because we’re stuck practicing all the time. Who has the
time to meet guys like those?
STEPHANIE: Exactly, and now their girlfriends get the best parts in the movie.
HOLLY: You know girls, I think we’re going about this whole movie business the
wrong way.
LILLY: And they were so dreamy. (All dancers sigh; Lilly gets ahold of herself.) All right
girls, from the top.
DAYDREAMS
(Dancers)
A cold-water flat by the railroad track
My feet are so tired I could scream.
Prince Charming is nowhere
He says, “What do I care?”
Oh well, I suppose I’ll just dream.
A cottage for two, a white-picket fence
Petunias in the window box
It makes so much sense.
So why am I dreaming?
It all seems so real.
I don’t ask for very much
So what’s the big deal?
Dreaming, dreaming
My life floats by in a fog.
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23
What can I do? I don’t have a clue.
I guess I’ll try kissing a frog!
What was it now my mother told me?
You have to work for what you get
Nothing is free.
Daydreams are fine for planting the seed
But you have to go searching
For what you need.
Searching, searching
Everyday I work like a dog.
I look near and far
And wish on a star
Now where can I find me that frog?!
Blackout
Scene 6
SETTING: Cover scene played in front of curtain; suggested street
AT RISE: Gangsters rush on from stage right.
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: You know boss, that last job we did was a close one.
BARRY THE BEAK: Yeah we almost had to pay the price.
MR. GLUE: Yeah, it was a close one, that’s for sure.
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: They’ve been getting closer and closer.
TOO TALL TONY: Yeah, sooner or later we’re going to push our luck a little too far.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: And for some reason, all I could think of were those broads.
TOO TALL TONY: Yeah me too. All I pictured was myself getting locked away in the
slammer for years and not being able to see my Gloria.
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24
MR. GLUE: Friends I share your sentiments exactly, so I propose that we go straight.
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: Yeah, I’m getting tired of hearing police sirens.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: Having to look over my shoulder every time I cross the
street.
TOO TALL TONY: Having to duck my head every time a copper walks by.
MR. GLUE: So we’re agreed. We’re quitting the crime business.
BARRY THE BEAK: Now let’s go pick up those dames.
Blackout
SETTING: Movie set
Scene 7
AT RISE: Flappers found center stage. There is an uncertain quietness when the scene
starts.
GIDDY GLORIA: Well, we just finished. We finished our first rehearsal.
BRAZEN BETTY: How did it look girls?
HONEY MUFFIN: Well I’m no movie expert, but that was some of the greatest acting
jobs I ever seen!
DARLING DIXIE: Really?
FLAPPER FANNY: For I moment I really thought you became those characters.
DARLING DIXIE: The rhythm of the scene was perfect.
FLAPPER FANNY: You could tell what each character’s motivation was.
GIDDY GLORIA: (Shrugs) It was real easy.
BRAZEN BETTY: Yeah actin’s just like talkin’.
HONEY MUFFIN: You know girls, I think we’re going to hit it big in this movie
business.
DARLING DIXIE: Why else would a famous movie director cast us without even
auditioning?
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25
BRAZEN BETTY: He could sense our talent.
MOVIE STARS
(Flappers)
All:
Movie stars! We’re movie stars
They’re flocking to the cinema from near and far
We’re magic…at least we think so.
We don’t sing and we don’t dance
But when it comes to action, boy, can we romance
We love the camera
And we’re playing for keeps
Brazen Betty:
All:
Brazen Betty:
All:
Sittin’ by the pool, sippin’ iced tea
Who’s the new boyfriend?
(Spoken) Well, that’s a mystery.
Everywhere we go
We’re dripping ermine and pearls.
But underneath it all
We’re still just girls.
Our skin just glows, our eyes are bright.
Walking down the boulevard, we’re quite a sight
And fashion, (pose) we do in our sleep.
The fans all scream, we smile and wave
The stairway to paradise is what we all crave
Or pennies from heaven
Or maybe a rainbow.
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26
Brazen Betty:
Working as an extra on a big picture show
No one’s really noticed me as far as I know
The leading lady breaks her heel or maybe her chin
They’re calling my name and I step in.
The makeup girl is hov’ring with this huge powder puff,
Lipstick, rouge, mascara, and all of that stuff.
The costumers are fluttering,
The feathers make me sneeze. Ah-ah-ah choo!
‘Til fin’lly I say, (Spoken) Puh--leeze!
I’m calm, cool, and collected
As I quietly inhabit the part
Lights! Camera! Action!
Then I carefully hit my mark.
(Spoken) I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
I’m brilliant! I’m brilliant!
I remember all my lines.
They’re clapping and cheering
And giving me high signs
I hope that you’ll forgive me if I toot my own horn
But it’s at this very moment that a star is born! (Fanfare)
(Spoken) Then I play a series of roles that puts me at the
pinnacle of my profession.
(Sung) Mata Hari!
Girls:
Brazen Betty:
Girls:
Brazen Betty:
Ahhhh!
Queen Bess!
Ahhhh!
Cleopatera!
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27
Girls:
Ahhhh!
Brazen Betty:
Judy of the Jungle! (Silence)
Girls:
(Spoken) Judy of the Jungle?
Brazen Betty:
All:
(Sung) Or something like that!
(Kick line) The crowds all cheer, we smile and wave.
The stairway to paradise is what we all crave,
Or pennies from heaven. (End kick line)
Brazen Betty:
(Softly, sadly) Or maybe a rainbow.
GIDDY GLORIA: You know what we have to do girls?
BRAZEN BETTY: What?
GIDDY GLORIA: We have to lose the guys.
HONEY MUFFIN: Really?
DARLING DIXIE: Gloria’s right. We can’t have them hanging around us.
FLAPPER FANNY: Scaring away different producers and directors.
GIDDY GLORIA: What sort of respectable actress shows up to the set with an ape in a
suit hanging on them?
BRAZEN BETTY: Besides they’ve been holding us back for years. We’re better off
without ‘em.
DARLING DIXIE: So we’re agreed. We’ll tell them tonight when the moment’s right!
Blackout
SETTING: Movie set
Scene 8
AT RISE: Onstage are the Movie Crew and the Dancers.
SCOTTY: Hey you with the hair, back up a little.
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28
HOLLY: How long is this going to take?
SCOTTY: As long as I say it will.
STEPHANIE: We do have things we need to do, you know.
SCOTTY: Anna will you touch up that one on the left? She’s not reading well.
Gangsters enter with Flappers from stage left.
TOO TALL TONY: (Speaking to Giddy Gloria) All right, little lady, have fun doing your
acting thing, and we’ll pick you up in a few hours.
MR. GLUE: Mr. Goldman. Can we have a few words? (They move stage right.)
The police enter from stage left.
MCCLELLAN: Excuse me Miss; have you seen any shady characters lately?
LILLY: Well my girls and me believe those gentlemen over there (Pointing stage right)
to be gangsters.
MCAFEE: Gangsters!
DOWNY: Here?!
MCAFEE: In this very building?
DOWNY: Let’s get out of here!
Downy and McAfee begin to run offstage left.
MCCLELLAN: Hold it right there. (They stop.) Now come on men. All it takes is
courage. (Clearing throat) Stop in the name of the law.
MR. GLUE: Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?
BARRY THE BEAK: Of course he’s talking to you—he’s looking right at you. Who do
you think he’s talking to?
MR. GLUE: Not now Barry. Officer, is there anything I can assist you with?
MCCLELLAN: We uh, think that you, uh, may be doing something illegal.
TOO TALL TONY: Something illegal? Freddy, you doin’ anything illegal?
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29
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: Nothing I can think of. What about you Barrys?
BOTH BARRYS: Nope.
MR. GLUE: Well there you have it. It seems me and my friends are doing nothing
illegal at the present time. So why don’t you three take a walk.
MCAFEE: Sorry to disturb you.
DOWNY: Won’t happen again.
MCCLELLAN: Boys!
MCAFEE: What are we supposed to do? We have nothing on them.
MCCLELLAN: All right, you may have won this round but we’re on to you.
They begin to exit stage left.
MARY: Hey, I think I’ve got a plan. Wait outside and be ready to arrest these guys.
MCAFEE: Arrest?
DOWNY: Them?
They both gulp and then exit stage left.
MARY: Tim. (She waves her hand to indicate “come here.”) I have a plan. You need to
convince the gangsters to do a scene in the movie.
TIM: What! Are you crazy? It’s bad enough putting those flapper flops in the picture.
Now we’re going to put in their criminal boyfriends?!
MARY: Just trust me. I need to go write the scene up, but you need to make sure they’ll
do it. (She runs off stage right.)
TIM: Mary, I…great.
GIDDY GLORIA: Listen boys, me and the girls have something we want to tell you.
TOO TALL TONY: What’s that, baby cheeks?
HONEY MUFFIN: We’re afraid that we will no longer…
TIM: Uh, gentleman, can I speak to you for a moment?
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: We are sort of in the middle of something.
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30
TIM: It’s important; it’s about the future of the film.
MR. GLUE: What can we do for you Mr. Goldman?
TIM: Well, I had some of my actors walk out on me earlier, and I need somebody to
finish the movie, and you guys are perfect for the part.
BARRY THE BEAK: I don’t know about that. I’ve never done me no acting before.
TIM: It’s easy.
GIDDY GLORIA: Yeah it’s just like talkin’.
TIM: Yes, it’s just like talking.
TOO TALL TONY: I don’t know.
TIM: Please, gentleman, if this scene doesn’t get finished the whole movie can’t go up.
That means your lovely…talented girlfriends will never get seen.
DARLING DIXIE: You HAVE to do the scene!
FLAPPER FANNY: That’s an order!
MR. GLUE: Well I guess we are looking for new jobs, right boys?
Everybody onstage doesn’t quite know what to make of that comment.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: Sure, why not.
TIM: Excellent—Anna, get these gentlemen into makeup.
ANNA: Sure thing.
TIM: Glenda, make sure those suits are clean. Touch them up if they need it. Scotty, we
need to get all of them. (Mary rushes on from stage right.) Ah, here’s my assistant
director with your scenes gentleman.
MARY: Gentlemen, here you are. Now Scotty, our cameraman, is just going to shoot
you from the waist up, so you don’t need to memorize the lines. You can just read
them. Just make sure you read them from down here. Scotty, you have the shot
ready?
SCOTTY: Just one more minute. (He fiddles with the camera to get it in focus.)
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31
MARY: I’m afraid we’re one part short, so you’ll need to do the scene too, Tim.
TIM: All right.
SCOTTY: I’m good to go.
ANNA: They’re all in makeup.
MARY: All right, take it from the top. ACTION.
TIM: So what have you gangsters been up to?
Police sneak on from stage right and hide under the camera cloak.
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: Well, we robbed the downtown bank two weeks ago.
TOO TALL TONY: Then we set the liquor store on fire last Tuesday for not giving us
the protection money they owed us.
BARRY THE BEAK: Then this past Friday we made sure the Mayor’s aide met with a
little accident.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: Let’s just say he’s napping with the fishes.
TIM: You did all of those crimes? (To Mr. Glue) You can vouch for them?
MR. GLUE: Yes, yes I can.
MARY: Cut, and that’s a wrap.
BARRY THE BUTCHER: That was electrifying!
BARRY THE BEAK: That was some of the greatest acting I ever seen!
BARRY THE BUTCHER: It’s like I became somebody else for a minute!
TOO TALL TONY: Didn’t something about that script seem a little too authentic?
Police jump out from under camera cloak.
MCCLELLAN: Freeze.
BARRY THE BEAK: Great, this again.
MCAFEE: You’re under arrest.
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32
MR. GLUE: We’ve been over this coppers—we aint done nothing illegal.
MCCLELLAN: Think again. You just admitted to the crimes of bank robbery, arson,
and the disappearance of the Mayor’s aide, on film.
MR. GLUE: We were just acting. Tim tell ‘em.
TIM: That’s for the courts to decide.
MR. GLUE: What! You set us up, why I otta…!
DOWNY: Stop right there, you’re coming with us.
FREDDY FOUR FINGERS: But we was gonna go straight, honest.
MCAFEE: That’s what they all say.
TOO TALL TONY: Girls, you’ll visit us right?
GIDDY GLORIA: Uhhh, sure why not?
DARLING DIXIE: It’ll be fine guys. Think of it as a summer camp…for a few years.
You get three free meals a day.
FLAPPER FANNY: And all the time in the world to catch up on your reading.
BRAZEN BETTY: And to work out. All of you have been getting a little pudgy, so
some exercise will do you good.
HONEY MUFFIN: And we promise we’ll be here when you get out. (She winks to the
other girls.)
MCCLELLAN: Get ‘em out of here. Thanks for your help Miss Mary.
MARY: Thank you for getting those mobsters out of our hair.
Cops and Gangsters exit stage left.
BRAZEN BETTY: Well, we’d like to stay and chit-chat, but we’re on to bigger and
better things.
GIDDY GLORIA: Yeah, we can’t stick around here to do lousy B movies all our life.
They begin to exit stage left.
DARLING DIXIE: You’ll call us when the movie premiers right?
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33
TIM: Sure.
Flappers exit stage left.
LILLY: Does this mean we get our parts back?
STEPHANIE: We promise to work hard.
HOLLY: And to not complain as much.
FAY: And be nicer to the Crew.
GLENDA: That’s good enough for me.
ANNA: You can say that again.
TIM: Absolutely girls, nobody could do your part any better.
HOLLY: Thanks, Mr. Director.
LILLY: All right girls, we have a lot of work to do. We’ll take it from the top.
SCOTTY: After we all take five!
Dancers and Crew exit stage right.
TIM: Well Mary, you’ve saved me once again.
MARY: I’m the assistant director, that’s what I’m supposed to do. So what comes next,
Mr. Director?
TIM: I think I’d like to do a gangster movie.
MARY: Really?
TIM: I have an idea for a great script. (Mary kisses Tim on the cheek and exits. Tim moves
downstage to speak to the audience.) Well, there you have it, a strange but fitting
ending to the show. Some got what was coming to them. (Gangsters enter from stage
left on his line.)
MR. GLUE: I’m telling ya, we was gonna go straight. You gotta believe us.
Gangsters strike a group pose.
TIM: Some didn’t get anything at all. (Flappers enter from stage left on his line.)
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34
GIDDY GLORIA: We’re going to be big stars girls, I’m telling ya, big stars. (Pause) So
what do we do now?
Flappers strike a group pose.
TIM: Some learned a little courage can go a long way. (Cops enter from stage left on his
line.)
MCCLELLAN: I’m proud of you boys. The streets are a little safer because you two are
on the force.
Cops strike a group pose.
TIM: Some learned a thing or two about business, a side they’d never seen before.
(Dancers and Glenda enter from stage right on his line.)
LILLY: Thanks, Glenda, for the leotard. It fits great, and I love the color.
Dancers and Glenda and strike a group pose.
TIM: And some learned that even the smallest details… (Anna, Mary, and Scotty enter
from stage right on his line.)
MARY: Nice filming Scotty. I think the jury is going to (pause) love it! (She looks over at
Tim on the word “love.”)
SCOTTY: Just doing my job.
Mary, Scotty, and Anna strike a group pose.
TIM: …can make the biggest pictures. That’s our story, a tale of deceit, mistaken
identity, dirty dealings, and what I like to call the picture business.
THE BIZ REPRISE
(Cast)
Everywhere you look, people you see
They’re rushing to and fro
Look ‘em in the eye, they seem so intent
Where have they got to go?
Doctors, lawyers, seamstresses, and clerks
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35
Nobody shirks, everyone works
Buying food to put on the table
Is money well spent; then we pay rent
You could be a thug or a rich movie star
As long as you know what’s what
A lotta elbow grease is all that it takes
Without it you aint got squat!
Some folks think that life’s unfair to them
They’re in the wrong niche; they’d like to switch
There’s no easy street, I’m tellin’ ya
We may be square, but hey, we don’t care
Your favorite thing to do is a good place to start
You don’t have to be a whiz
If you’re working at all to stay alive
You’re part of the stinkin’ biz!
Don’t worry about it, you’re doin’ just fine
You’re part of the stinkin’, ever-lovin’ lovely,
Part of the stinkin’ biz!
Blackout.
THE END
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