Embodied Mindfulness- Images of a Black Horse
By
Mary Ann Evans, Ph.D.
My earliest memories as a child, which were encoded deep in my DNA,
involved images and impressions of horses; the sights, smells and sounds
associated with these magnificent creatures. Family stories relate that my
first word was even “horse’. At about the age of four our family moved to
my grandparents’ farm in Southern Illinois, a paradise for a young child free
from the confines of the concrete city. Here I began my journey of
remembering my essential self through my connection with the animals
sharing our rural life. Although I helped nurse the three legged piglet,
“Blackie” back to health and became the surrogate mother to the orphaned
lamb “Bambie”, it was the mystical creatures grazing the distant fields that
captured my imagination. You see, my grandfather, despite his gruff
persona, had a tender heart and couldn’t stand the thought of these
majestic creatures being sold at auction to ultimately become food for the
family dog. So he would frequent the local sales yards and bid on the
doomed horses that suited his fancy, often paying with money that should
have been used to run the farm. These salvaged creatures were then
guaranteed a lifetime of freedom from human demands and cruelty. My
young impressionable mind often took flight with images of these magical
steeds carrying me away to places beyond the confines of my everyday life.
In my mind’s eye I rode the heavens in the night sky along the Milky Way
and past the light of the moon. Often I became one with this little rescued
herd munching the tall grass, or soaking up the warm sunshine in the field.
Sometimes it seemed that I was more equine than human. I certainly spent
more time with these horses than any human friends.
As we moved back to the city I carried this inner sense of equine being;
often taking on the behavior characteristics of my spirit guides, whinnying,
riding my bike which was really my horse, and cantering and trotting instead
of running as a child. A bout of polio sent me to bed for nearly a years,
during which time I was isolated with only my books and imagination as
companions. The primal image of equus continued to infuse my spirit, giving
me comfort and a connection to the natural world which was shut away from
me in reality. I spent house fashioning these mystical creatures out of clay,
letting my imagination take me aware to where they grazed in beautiful
meadows of tall grass and flowers, or ran across windswept plains, or feeling
the harmony of flying on their backs. I was able to find freedom in my
imagination despite my lack of physical mobility.
Many years later my imaginal horses became a reality. At age 30 my
dream of finding harmony with equus in the flesh took the form of a
beautiful soft eyed partner named Teakwood. Little did I know that this
was the beginning of a deep spiritual quest that continues to unfold in my
life over 35 years later, taking me back to my Celtic soul and the myth of
the Black Horse. My Celtic ancestors communed with nature, particularly
horses, in the belief that kinship with animals deepens our awareness and
brings us into contact with our Divine origins. Interaction with horses allows
us to let go of our defenses and beliefs that stand in our way of returning to
our Source. They allow us to get a glimpse beyond the veil that obscures our
sense of unity and beauty. It has become increasingly clear to me that
these Divine messengers know intuitively how and when to introduce us
humans to unexpected insights and knowledge. By virtue of their nature as
prey animals and intimidating size they can both challenge us and soothe our
fears, make us confront our beliefs, breaking down our ego defenses and
restore us to wholeness.
Working intimately with horses allows us to return to the primal
nonverbal state of awareness that we have so often repressed in favor of
the chatter of words in our minds. We can glimpse nature and the whole of
life from a different perspective as we force our talkative left hemispheres
into silence. Horses live in the present moment and are congruent in their
awareness and behavior. They can’t lie, deceive or cheat us; becoming
mirrors of our inconsistencies, reacting to what’s in our heart, not our heads.
In this silence we connect with our own right brain intuitive nature and can
experience the unity of life around us. It is in this silence in the present
that our soul is touched and we come face to face with our own incongruity
and ego driven motives. This awareness is the first step toward our own
transformation.
Both my imaginal and embodied journey with my equine guides have helped
me gain inner harmony, allowing me to drop the illusion and fantasy
constructed by my ego in order to see the larger picture and acquire the
inner wisdom of knowing that all is well even in the midst of chaos and
tragedy. My soul has been nourished by the Divine when my equine teachers
help me slow down and savor my experience with authenticity and full
awareness.
The original images of the black horse from my childhood dreams (and
nightmares) have fueled my innate fears of annihilation and darkness. The
world of duality in my primitive mind was represented by opposing shades of
white and black horses. Perhaps it is no coincidence that my very life was
threatened by the feminine force of the black horse. Both my physical and
psychic selves were endangered by two dramatic accidents on different
black mares, bringing the forces of these images into embodied states. My
most basic fears of survival and pain were activated and although my broken
body has healed, my mind continued to be fueled by thoughts of pain and
uncertainty. I continue to ask myself, “Is there a light hidden in these
moments of darkness I’m trying to avoid?” The words of Carl Jung remind
me, “Enlightenment isn’t about imagining forces of light; but in making the
darkness conscious.” Wow! The images of these two black horses serve to
help me find those hidden fears and areas of disconnect and in-authenticity.
Only when I can learn patience and develop the tolerance of distress will I
learn the lessons offered by the images of the Black Horse- “It is upon
disaster that good fortune rests” Lao Tzu. I also am learning to embody the
message of Joseph Campbell, “The goal of life is to make your heartbeat
match the beat of the universe.” Horses will continue to lead me back to the
heart of creation and to my authentic self.
www.mindfulhorsetherapy.com