Kinship
Refresher Morning
Saturday 1 December
10 am - 1 pm
Kinship Refresher Morning
10.00
Welcome & Worship
10.30
Session One: Being Real
11.00
Session Two: Confidentiality and the pastoral structure
11.20
Coffee
11.35
Session Three: Case Studies
12.15
Kinship Health Check and feedback form
12.30
Ministry
Session One
Being Real
1.
Kinship is …….. ?
A real meeting with God
A real meeting with each other
Through these weekly encounters, we hope and long to see each other becoming more
like Jesus.
2. How do we facilitate that discipling function?
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As we share our lives together
As we encourage each other
As we deal with the live issues in our lives
As we stand by one another
As we share the deepest things in confidence
Our aim:
 To encourage each other to be real people
 To encourage sharing of real issues
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Which sometimes can be real messy!
We are serious in our intention to see people move and grow – to help them
through the issues of their lives
But….
This has to be done in the context of a healthy kinship group that continues to
remain a safe place for everyone involved.
3. Some general guidelines
a. Go over the purpose of kinship often, especially if you have new people present.
Look at the “What is Kinship” postcard as a reminder. Know what kinship isn’t as
well as what it is.
b. Clearly set the ground rules for sharing from time to time so that we are able to
avert many of the potential problems.
What are those ground rules?
 Not giving advice or criticism
 Sticking within our values
 Not sharing on behalf of others
 Listening – which brings acceptance
 Keeping confidences
 Letting everyone have a voice
c. If a person persists in sharing unhelpfully and unproductively it will be
discouraging and damaging to the group as a whole - unless we deal with it.
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We can’t sacrifice the group for the sake of an individual. Also it is helpful and
healthy to give that person boundaries to work within.
d. When any correction does need to be made we need to do it in a Christ-like
way (1 Tim. 5:1-2). In private, with respect and with lots of mercy.
e. We don’t need to feed to everyone what needs to be fed to one individual –
don’t use an evening to teach to one person. Deal with it on an individual basis.
f.
If a problem situation arises, give the group a chance to handle it themselves.
A healthy group that understand the purpose and values of kinship will often
step in to guide things themselves. Help the group to take corporate
responsibility - and use your team.
g. Be alert, wise and discerning towards “wolves in sheep’s clothing”. Don’t be
slow to deal with a problem. Talk with your team, about how you’re going to
deal with it.
Remember, we are all works in progress. Just because
we’re on a team doesn’t mean we’ve arrived.
Kinship is:
A real meeting with God
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Worship
Holy Spirit: to desire the gifts of the spirit and to learn how to use them
Ministry time: seeing God’s power released to change lives
Communion
A real meeting with each other
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Relaxed & informal
Eating & social
Sharing: physical, practical and spiritual needs
A place to give and receive pastoral care
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A safe place to be nurtured and grow
A place for growth
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A growing group – open doors
Personal growth – to be more like Jesus
Extending the Kingdom of God - Pushing the Boundaries
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Session Two
Confidentiality and the Pastoral Structure
At WSVC our pastoral support begins in our kinship structure. This is quite new to some
people. Don’t be afraid to explain often how this works. It’s key to the success of a well
functioning kinship – and church.
1. Pastoral care
a.
The team & group
This is our first layer of care. We are encouraged to look after one another.
b.
Cluster leaders
Cluster leaders give care to the facilitators. This is their priority.
They are there to give personal pastoral support.
They are there to help with pastoral situations that may arise in your group.
c.
Pastoral staff
Pastoral staff provide pastoral support for the Cluster Leaders and the
Facilitators.
2. How does confidentiality work within the pastoral structure?
a.
We do have a system of shared confidentiality.
b. Confidentiality is vertical not horizontal.
3. Pastoral care beyond the group
a. Small Ministry Teams (SMT)
It’s important to spend time with the person assessing whether an SMT is the best
route. Go through the Duty of Care document and the Agreement.
b. Counselling
Such referrals are made by the Pastor.
Referrals may be made to a secular specialist, e.g. Relate Counselling.
Referral may be made to experienced couples and those with training in the church.
c. Training opportunities
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Leaders’ meetings
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Training days
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Worship workshops
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Conferences and seminars at the church and elsewhere
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Facilitator
Facilitator
Facilitator
Facilitator
Cluster
Leader
Facilitator
Cluster
Leader
Facilitator
Staff link Pastor
Facilitator
Senior Pastor
Overseer
Cluster
Leader
Facilitator
Facilitator
Cluster
Leader
Facilitator
Facilitator
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Facilitator
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Session Three
Case Studies
The following case studies are all taken from real life – and might be similar to situations you
have dealt with in your kinship groups.
Think about how you might deal with them on the evening and also what follow up
discussion, with the person, might be appropriate.
1. Mary
A member of your kinship tells you that another member of the group has
given her a directive 'prophetic word' that she doesn't know what to do with.
She feels worried and under pressure and wants to obey God's word.
2. Frank
Though Frank is neither the facilitator nor responsible for this particular
evening he has his own agenda for the meeting. He strongly suggests as the
meeting begins that "...this is what God told me he wants to do tonight”.
3. Debbie
June has been coming to the group for three weeks and has just started to
open up in the times of sharing. Debbie starts to offer her advice from across
the room.
4. Sharma
Sharma has only recently made a Christian commitment. A few weeks ago
she was used very powerfully in ministering to others. This was a totally new
experience for her (hot hands etc.) and since then she has found it difficult to
attend and has been 'too busy' to come
5. Boris
It transpires that Boris was attending another kinship until recently: he has
been with you for two weeks.
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…….and something a bit more complex
6.
Angus & Rachel
Rachel, a full time teacher, aged 33, is a member of your kinship and regularly
attends church on Sunday. She is involved in several ministries each month
and you have been thinking of inviting her onto your kinship team. Angus, a
sales executive in Cambridge, aged 33, is much more on the fringe. He
comes occasionally on Sundays but has yet to come to kinship and you have
only met him twice briefly. They have been married for 9 years and have no
children.
During a ministry time in the kinship Rachel indicates that there are problems
in their marriage. She says that Angus has become very moody and
uncommunicative and because of their work pattern, where they both have
demanding jobs, they seem to spend little time together. At weekends they
are too tired to do very much together except to try to sort out their house
which is large and needs a lot of work doing on it. She is worrying that they
are drifting apart and she doesn’t know what to do about it. She would like to
stop work but doesn’t know if this would be financially possible because of all
their commitments. What should she do?
What are the issues?
What might you suggest to her on the evening?
What might your longer term strategy be?
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Dear Duncan …..!
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Kinship Team Health Check!
1. How do you feel you are doing as a team in “sharing the pastoral load”?
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What new things could you put in place to help with this?
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As a team member/facilitator are you feeling loved and valued?
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Are all your kinship members feeling loved and valued?
2. Have you had specific evenings given over to sharing?
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Have these gone well?
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Has everyone been allowed to have their say?
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Have you had any confidentiality issues and how have you dealt with them?
3. Looking back over the last six months what things have you done in kinship that
have really worked well?
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4. Have you spent your Kinship Outreach money? What ideas have you got to share?
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Feedback and Evaluation
Name ___________________________________________________
Kinship team role _________________________________________
1. Please say which bits of today you have found:
1.
Most useful?
2.
Least useful?
2. We hope to hold another Kinship Refresher Morning in the spring. What
topics would you like to see covered?
1.
2.
3.
4.
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APPENDIX A: Possible Problem Situations
A.
Super Spiritual
1. Characteristics
a. This person attempts to gain entry into the group by establishing
credentials that usually have to do with scripture quotations or readings
from obscure passages particularly the OT prophets and the Book of
Revelation.
b. May suggest that God has often used him or her in this way - an air of
superiority.
c. Generally some charge is directed at the leader or at the group which is
characterised by an attitude of condemnation.
d. They see themselves as parent to the group - very black and white, “the
group needs to know this”.
2. Need of individual
a. To enter group on the merits of their super-spirituality; they want to enter
on their own terms which they can control.
b. Is looking for position and status by bringing credentials of past
experiences.
c. Has a fear of here-and-now relationship to the group - is uncomfortable
relating in a mature adult way to others.
d. Fear of rejection is high.
3. Suggestions for handling
a. Do not reinforce sharing.
b. Ask questions such as: “You mentioned God has often used you in
supernatural ways. Can you tell us how, where and when? What about
previous affiliation with church bodies? What was your relationship with
the pastor?”.
c. If the person is persistent speak to him after the group clarifying again the
goals and purpose of the kinship but still affirm the person: “Glad you’re
here - what you are doing is not what the group is about”.
d. If there is no change in attitude then deal with him openly within the group
setting to clarify the purpose of the meeting and to help group members
know where the person is and what is happening; be loving but firm.
B.
The Disciple of Whoever
1. Characteristics
a. This person desires to establish his position in the group through
authority derived from additional knowledge obtained from some person
or outside the local fellowship (particularly theologies and emphases).
b. Their attitude is generally corrective.
c. Their statements are full of how-tos, oughts, shoulds, dos and don’ts
i.e. rules and regulations rather than relationships (legalism).
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2. Need of individual
a. Their need is to come into the group at least one step ahead of everyone
else.
b. Is generally an immature person desiring to have leadership and authority
while bypassing normal patterns of personal growth.
3. Suggestions for handling
a. Do not reinforce their sharing.
b. Speak to them outside of thegroup, clarify purpose and set ground rules:
i. lovingly explain that you do not wish to take issue with his teaching
but that the kinship group is not a teaching platform for anyone and
everyone coming into the group.
ii. therefore sharing is to be done on a personal level, not as a
teacher.
C.
The Self-Ordained Minister
1. Characteristics
a. This person is not involved in a personal growth process and is usually a
maverick roaming from group to group.
b. Unlike the discipled person he does not have a theology.
c. He usually tries to establish authority or rule by control.
d. His purpose within the group is generally to recruit people.
e. He relies on history and experience not related to the group thus giving
no real basis for examination of his credentials.
2. Need of individual
a. His basic need is to attract a following so as to have a reason to be and to have
group control.
3. Suggestions for handling
a. Once you have heard enough to recognise where the person is, deal with
it directly: ask questions such as “What church organisations have you
worked with? What church have you been attending prior to coming
here? How long were you there? What kind of relationship did you have
with the pastor?”.
b. Restate the objectives of the group and that sharing is to be of a personal and
present nature.
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D.
The Storyteller
1. Characteristics
a. The storyteller works to maintain their position in the group by relating to
the group with stories or yarns.
b. The story may include personal past experience, may be instructive to the
group, may include name dropping or just a constant harping back to
problem situations and circumstances (overly introspective).
c. The stories are all designed to give position in the group while
maintaining distance from its members.
2. Need of the individual
a. He has a desire to be part of the group but has learned inappropriate means of
relating socially.
b. Fear of rejection.
3. Suggestions for handling
a. Do not reinforce his sharing in story form.
b. Remind him of the format for sharing in the group gently: after a
statement such as “It sounds as if you have had many interesting
experiences”, ask the question “What is happening in your life
presently?”.
E.
The Founding Father
1. Characteristics
a. This individual has been a part of a main church group (yours or
someone else’s for a long time).
b. Their attitude may be characterised by “As it was in the beginning, so shall it
ever be”.
c. Believes their relationship to and position in the group is established based on
time served.
d. Although this individual is generally firm in his self-perceived position he
can be loved and guided into a new growth process.
e. Relates to the group with numerous references to how things were done
in the past.
2. Need of the individual
a. Fear of growing and sharing about themselves currently.
b. To handle these fears he presents himself as superior in the group to
avoid relating openly.
c. Usually has been programmed by a system to put a good face on
everything.
d. Is generally unaware of the lack of spontaneity and personal freedom.
3. Suggestions for handling
a. In the group ask the person to share what God is presently doing in his
life.
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F.
The Centre of Attention (alas poor me)
1. Characteristics
a. This person is characterised by an unhealthy need to bleed all over the
group: “Woe is me! Poor me! The world is not fair to me! Life is not fair to
me!” etc.
b. As long as he can maintain the focus on himself he will return again and
again.
c. The game played when others attempt to minister to him is Yes - but:
“yes, what you say is true, but the reason I can’t do it is this”.
d. He is, in essence, suggesting he has problems even God can’t solve.
2. Need of the individual
a. The basic need is one of emotional security.
b. He has unfortunately adopted behaviour that causes others to move
away from him.
3. Suggestions for handling
a.
b.
c.
d.
G.
Be patiently loving and supportive.
Gently and persistently confront (privately).
Do not get hooked on the yes-but game.
He will either respond and be healed or go somewhere else to continue
the game.
The Demanding Child
1. Characteristics
a. This person has an impatient attitude towards the group process and
tends to be highly strung.
b. Their tendency is to rush the worship and sharing time in order to get
down to the real business of the group: prayer.
2. Need of the individual
a. The need for personal security is high and is sought after in inappropriate
ways.
b. He is insecure in worship and sharing; emotional experience comes from
prayer time.
3. Suggestions for handling
a. Respond to statements such as “Let’s get down to business and pray” by
simply saying “We are doing the business of the group and will pray
together at the end of the sharing time.”
b. Privately explain to this person that worship and sharing are essential
parts of our life together in the kinship... “You have an opportunity in this
group to grow through openness to the Lord and one another, be patient
with the process.”
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