Violent Men and the Anger that Fuels Them
by Edward J. Cumella and Carolyn Newsome | posted in Anger, CCT 2006
N.1
Frank sat there, immobilized as he
watched his three adult sons weeping and embracing their sister, Amy. His wife of 30
years sat next to him, crying. Frank’s questions whirled: “Do they think I’m a monster?
Was my anger that bad?” Amy had severe anorexia.
The family had gathered for intensive therapy and Frank had been praying, hoping to
gain understanding of his daughter. He desperately wanted to learn why his beautiful
daughter was starving herself to death. The family and therapist sat in a circle.
Amy described life experiences that led to her anorexia. She spoke of peer rejection and
revealed the pressure to be thin during gymnastics. She mentioned “family dynamics.”
Frank was jolted. To him, they were the all-American family. His wife was a wonderful
stay-at-home mom. The family attended church and enjoyed vacations together. Amy
described her father’s anger. She recalled him screaming at her older brothers: “Can’t you
do anything right? You’ll never amount to anything!” Sometimes he threw furniture,
punched walls, and slammed doors. Once Frank pinned her brother against a wall,
screaming in his face and punching the wall behind him. Amy would hide in her closet to
escape her father’s tirades. Amy shared that although she enjoyed family vacations, she
feared the preparation. Frank would bark out commands, threatening to leave her behind
if she was not ready on time.
It was difficult for Frank to listen. He wanted to fix it, to make Amy feel better.
“Sweetheart, I never intended to scare you… you know how much daddy loves you and
your brothers… Honey, you know I never laid a hand on you.” The therapist interjected:
“Frank, we know you love your family. That’s not in question. Try to understand what
it’s been like to live in Amy’s world.”
Amy continued, asking her father if he remembered when he broke his hand. “Yeah, I
was such an idiot. I fell walking down the bleachers at your gymnastics meet, broke my
wrist and was sidelined for three months.”
Amy added tearfully: “Daddy, you were so mad at me.” She recalled Frank’s rage: “If it
wasn’t for that gymnastics meet, I would be at work right now!” Although Frank’s
reaction came from feeling worthless when he could not work and provide for his family,
Amy explained that his words made her believe the accident was her fault.
The therapist asked Amy how she felt when her father got angry. Amy hid her face and
looked down. A tear escaped her eye. Finally, she whispered, “it hurt.” Her body heaved
as she sobbed in pain. Her brothers rushed to hug her, crying, “I know how you feel… it
hurt all of us.”
Frank’s angry words had wounded his entire family. His anger had felt like rejection to
Amy, ushering in shame, ambivalence, and defenses to protect her heart. Sometime
during her youth, Amy vowed to never require attention. She decided her job was to be
invisible and never upset the apple cart. If she upset things, she feared her family would
fall apart. So she hid her needs, feelings, and true self.
Eventually she tried to become invisible by starving herself, hiding in anorexia. Another
aspect of Amy’s anorexia, perfectionism, also grew from fear of displeasing her father.
As David Stoop (2004) notes: “In virtually every case… where the father was abusive,
the now grown-up child remains convinced that if only he or she had been a better son or
daughter, the father would not have… needed to be abusive.”
Sources of Anger and Varieties of Violence
The capacity for anger is God-given. We are told that “love is slow to anger…” (1
Corinthians 13:5). Clearly, then, even those guided by God’s Spirit of love get angry. It
takes time for anger to arise, but it does. Jesus himself evidenced anger (e.g., Matthew
21:12-13, 23:13-36). When prompted by the Holy Spirit, anger is a signal worth listening
to. It may be a message that we are being hurt, our rights violated, needs or wants not
met, beliefs and values compromised, or something else amiss. Anger may signal that
we’re giving more than we can give.
In each case, anger’s purpose is protection: thwarting harm or overcoming obstacles to
meeting legitimate needs. For example, parents become legitimately angry at anything
that threatens to harm or prevent the growth of their children. They become angry
because they love their children. Anger, correctly experienced, flows out of love.
“Love… always protects…” (1 Corinthians 13:4,7). Anger is a built-in drive, energy, and
motivation to take corrective action against anything that threatens to harm people and
things we love, including ourselves.
The God-given capacity for anger can become distorted by pride, unforgiveness,
aggression, culture, fear, physiology, and conditioning, with each acting alone or in
concert. This is when “man’s anger” enters in and corrupts, as opposed to godly anger.
Pride.
We may react with anger when our pride, ego, image, or other worldly facades of no
godly value are questioned by others. “… pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves
with violence” (Psalm 73:6). This likely happened with Frank, whose self-image as an
effective father was threatened when his children didn’t behave in ways he
deemed appropriate.
Similarly, men often have detailed expectations about how to fulfill the legitimate roles
of provider and protector in their families. When this image is interfered with, they
respond with anger and violence, attempting to reassert their treasured definition of how
to fulfill these roles. They don’t recognize that there are many ways to provide for and
protect a family that do not conform to the expectations absorbed from their parents
and culture.
Unforgiveness.
When we live with a continual expectation that most people are out to harm us, we are
primed to become angry fast, rather than slowly and thoughtfully. This may happen
because we’re holding onto past hurts. When the camel’s back is burdened with a history
of unforgiveness, one more tiny wound breaks the back, triggering anger inappropriate to
the wound that is actually occurring in the present.
With unforgiveness, we therefore get angry repeatedly about the same old hurts! This is a
stark waste of energy, destroying relationships and our own heart.
Aggression.
Anger may be disproportionate to the harm done. It isn’t useful, reparative, or godly to
harm another person, when it is possible to achieve our goal of protection with less
violence or severity. The literature on assertiveness distinguishes between assertion and
aggression: assertion accomplishes our goals while respecting others; aggression
disrespects and harms others and often fails to accomplish our goals. In Frank’s case,
what could have been handled assertively was handled instead with aggression toward
his family.
Culture.
A primary reason for unnecessary violence is American culture. We live in a highly
competitive culture that idolizes and justifies physically powerful, violent men. Movies,
TV, sports, and political figures use verbal and sometimes physical violence to dominate
and control others. Aggression in popular iconography has increased substantially in
recent decades (Benedict, 2004; Jhally, 1999). But “… says the LORD God…‘I hate a
man’s covering himself with violence’” (Malachi 2:16). Wise observers have warned
about our “culture of violence” (e.g., Huckabee & Grant, 1998; Lischer, 2005).
On the flipside, images of men who are not violent may be unduly effeminate and passive
to be effective role models for many men (Farrar, 2003). Due to our cultural confusion
about masculinity and violence, American men often come from homes where their
fathers have not known how to manage anger and power. In short, healthy male role
models are lacking.
Frank was likely a victim of our culture’s paucity of Christian male role models. In this
situation, many men are angry at, and devalue, themselves because of their violent
reactions against the people they love, but they don’t know how to be different. They
may justify their actions to avoid feeling or revealing their self-hatred. Some have
become so entrenched in a self-defensive posture of justifying their anger—even using
Scripture to do so—that they have paranoid, antisocial, or narcissistic personality
features. Their anger has become ego-syntonic—an accepted part of their personality. But
most, particularly Christian men who experience the Holy Spirit’s prompting in their
consciences, are disappointed when they act in ways that are incongruent with
their beliefs.
Fear.
Ultimately, most anger is rooted in fear. We become angry to protect ourselves when we
fear attack, a repeat of past wounding, loss of something valued, or inability to obtain
something we believe we need or desire. Fear is a universal human emotion that many
men don’t know how to handle. Men are often taught that it’s inappropriate for them to
be afraid, but they aren’t given tools to transcend fear. Instead, they learn early to repress
and deny their fear. The fear is there nonetheless, under the surface, continually
triggering defensive anger. Fear and anger are quite similar physiologically; as such, fear
can readily be experienced and expressed as anger when men incorrectly interpret fear’s
physiological arousal as anger.
Physiology.
Due to the fallen condition of humanity that began in the Garden of Eden, some men
have genetic and/or biological predispositions to anger. These individuals struggle more
than most with anger. Those who misuse alcohol and/or certain drugs may render
themselves physiologically prone to anger and violence.
Conditioning.
Expressing anger is reinforced through tension relief and its influence and control over
others. Some men become virtually addicted to these perks. At an extreme, it becomes an
evil enjoyment at controlling others and making them afraid. Inappropriate anger costs
dearly. “Anger stuns. It frightens. It makes people feel bad about themselves… people
gradually become inured and resistant. As soon as they see you, they put on their
emotional armor in preparation for the next upset. The more anger you express, the less
you are listened to, and the more cut off you may begin to feel from genuine closeness”
(McKay, Rogers and McKay, 2003). Anger damages and kills relationships.
There are many ways of expressing anger inappropriately and with excessive severity,
needlessly harming others:

Physical and/or sexual violence against people

Physical violence against animals

Destruction of property

Explicit threats of violence

Implicit threats of violence— without directly threatening violence against
someone, violence against animals or property or merely mentioning one’s past
violent acts all imply that violence against people could occur if the individual is
sufficiently provoked

Controlling other people—what they say and do, where/when they travel, etc.

Forced isolation from family, friends, work

Extreme jealousy

Mental cruelty—verbal, psychological, emotional abuse
Even the purely verbal forms of violence are harmful—“reckless words pierce
like a sword…” (Proverbs 12:18)—and may predispose to later physical violence.
Interventions and Antidotes
First, assess the man’s motivation to change his angry/violent behavior. Where a
man doesn’t see the need, make careful recommendations to protect his family. In
certain cases, report child abuse to state agencies and/or suggest marital
separation. But for men who want to manage anger differently, the following
may help.
Second, if there is family history of aggression and anger, or the individual
appears “wound up,” the cards may be stacked against him through a biological
tendency toward aggression. Evaluation by a psychiatrist is warranted for
psychotropic medication. Certain Prozac- like medications and other
psychotropics are effective in assisting some men to gain control of their anger.
Third, perform a cognitive-behavioral assessment to determine which erroneous
beliefs, expectations, and justifications are triggering anger, and what is
reinforcing violent behavior. Ask what skills the man lacks for managing anger
effectively to achieve rightful goals. Often, anger management and/or assertion
training will be useful.
Assertion training may be enhanced when conducted with a married couple
together, joined with communication skills training. Once violent behavior
lessens, it may be necessary to assist the man in uncovering wounds, trauma, and
other intrapsychic issues disrupting his ability to regulate emotions. Most men
will need education about the advantages of identifying, feeling, and expressing
their God-given softer emotions and how suppressing these emotions leads them
to hurt their loved ones.
Fourth, because exposure to violent media increases violent behavior, Christian
men must exercise prudence regarding what entertainment and news they select.
We are influenced by those with whom we associate. “A violent man entices his
neighbor and leads him down a path that is not good” (Proverbs 16:29). Men must
examine their friends and family members, placing appropriate boundaries on
what behavior they will tolerate and/or restrictions on relationships that influence
them toward aggression.
Finally, we can point the way for men to address anger’s spiritual dimension,
including false pride, unforgiveness, and fear. Following Christ by practicing
humility and cultivating a servant’s identity are antidotes to false pride. It is
Christian, authentic, and humble to recognize that we need others; it is manly to
cry, feel hurt, and express need for comfort and help. Christ did these things.
Simply put, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). God
specifically created women to be men’s helpers, endowed with sophisticated
emotional knowledge and a capacity for soothing and nurturing. We must accept
that married men cannot function effectively in God’s design for their lives
without leaning on their wives for support and nurture. Men need to be
emotionally vulnerable with their wives for this to occur. We also need other
people—extended family and friends: “Carry each other’s burdens…” (Galatians
6:2). It is false pride to think we can go it alone.
Good resources exist to help men learn the freeing power of forgiveness (e.g.,
Ensor, 1997; MacArthur, 1998). By forgiving liberally and frequently—not just
from the head or in words, but allowing God to change our hearts so that we have
emotionally released hurts and restored relationships—we become slower to
anger and less violent.
We cannot manage fear and its consequences by pretending we are not afraid.
“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts” (Psalm 51:6). We must instead
recognize that we have fear, and what we are afraid of. Then, through prayer and
the spiritual disciplines, we can slowly learn to fear God alone. “The fear of the
Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (Proverbs 9:10), because it leads us to honor
and value God above everything.
We may enjoy the world’s offerings, but learn not to attach too deeply to—and
thus fear the loss of—what is inherently transient: possessions, roles, status, even
our children. We can slowly grow to understand God’s love for us so deeply that
we are fully attached to him—valuing him above all else; and, to so trust God and
his plans for our lives that our fear has been replaced with peace and acceptance.
“Such perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18).
Take on the nature of Christ. Cultivating deep humility, free-flowing forgiveness,
and trusting dependence on God isn’t easy. These characteristics come from
knowing Christ personally, not just knowing theology or facts about Christ or
professing to believe in him. They come from praying and communicating with
God, meditating on his words, practicing his presence, and allowing God through
these experiences to fill our souls so that we become living examples of the
Spirit’s fruit: “… the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).
What do any of these have to do with anger and violence? Nothing. The spiritfilled life, lived in active relationship with Jesus Christ, drives out anger and
violence and replaces these with Christ’s nature. Achieving this is, admittedly, a
lifelong pursuit. For men, books like Tender Warrior (Weber, 1993), Wild at
Heart (Eldredge, 2001), You Have What It Takes (Eldredge, 2004) and Point Man
(Farrar, 2003), may assist in renewing our minds to understand godly manhood,
so that we grow faster into this destiny that God has planned for us. In this way,
we become better leaders in our families, churches, and communities; husbands
whom our wives respect and admire; and fathers who guide their children to
become men and women of dignity, integrity, and purpose in God’s kingdom.
Wives may also help their husbands by engaging in family or couples therapy,
educating themselves about anger, and learning how they may inadvertently
contribute to their husband’s anger. An excellent book for wives is the acclaimed
Dance of Anger (1997).
In this way, we become better leaders in our families, churches, and communities;
husbands whom our wives respect and admire; and fathers who guide their
children to become men and women of dignity, integrity, and purpose in
God’s kingdom.
Edward J. Cumella, Ph.D., a Licensed Psychologist, is Executive Director of
Research and Education, and Carolyn Newsome, M.A., LPC, is a Primary
Therapist at Remuda Ranch Programs for Eating Disorders, the nation’s largest
eating disorder treatment facility. Together they have worked with thousands of
families, dealing with issues of men’s anger and violence. Both authors present
frequently at national and international conferences and have published papers
on a range of mental health topics.
References
Benedict, J. (2004). Out of bounds: Inside the NBA’s culture of rape, violence,
and crime. New York: Reed Elsevier Inc.
Eldredge, J. (2001). Wild at Heart: Discovering the secret of a man’s soul.
Nashville: Nelson Books.
Eldredge, J. (2004). You have what it takes: What every father needs to hear.
Nashville: Nelson Books.
Ensor, J.M. (1997). Experiencing God’s forgiveness: The journey from guilt to
gladness. Colorado Springs: Navpress Publishing Group.
Farrar, S. (2003). Point man: How a man can lead his family. Sisters,
OR: Multnomah.
Huckabee, M. & Grant, G. (1998). Kids who kill: Confronting our culture of
violence. Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.
Jhally, S. (Director). (1999). Tough guise: Violence, media, and the crisis in
masculinity. [Motion picture]. United States: Media Education Foundation.
Lerner, H. (1997). Dance of anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of
intimate relationships. New York: Harper Paperbacks.
Lischer, R. (2005). The end of words: The language of reconciliation in a culture
of violence. Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.
MacArthur, J. (1998). The freedom and power of forgiveness. Wheaton, IL:
Crossway Books.
McKay, M., Rogers, P.D., & McKay, J. (2003). When anger hurts (2nd Ed).
Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Stoop, D. (2004). Making peace with your father. Ventura, CA: Regal Books.
Weber, S. (1993). Tender warrior. Sisters, OR: Multnomah Books
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