(Read the following article—then replace
the nouns with PRONOUNS)
Fight Breaks Out in Local
Classroom
_________________________________________
A violent fight broke out in a local classroom
Taken by surprise, Dwire was knocked to the
ground with a loud scream. Fellow student Robin
and two students were taken into custody yesterday
Harter claimed that after being knocked down, Dwire
afternoon after an intense debate over verb tense got
became infuriated and grabbed Lakey by the hair and
out of control.
proceeded to drag Lakey around the classroom,
The fight began in teacher Molly Schulze’s
bellowing “Riddle me this, moron!”
classroom, where the students had just completed a
Lakey’s classmates soon rallied around him, howlesson over verbs and the three basic tenses, when a
ever, and David Douglas and Zach Reeves began
violent disagreement occurred.
cheering Lakey on with cries of “Come on, Corey,
According to witnesses, the brawl began when
take it like a man! We wanna see some blood!”
grammar-loving freshman Corey Lakey became
Witnesses state that Lakey became inspired by
enraged by the comments of fellow student Nicole
these words, and managed to grab a foothold on a
Dwire.
desk and pull himself to his feet. He then began to
Apparently, Dwire claimed that grammar was the
gnaw on Dwire’s calves with his bare teeth. Dwire
devil’s instrument devised to torture students around
soon fought back by picking up nearby student Cody
the world, and all English teachers should be hung by
Burbank, and clubbing Lakey with the lanky
their toenails until they agree to forget about grammar
freshman.
and focus on bringing Cheetos to class. Lakey,
At this point, stated student Jeanette Londo,
disgusted by Dwire’s bloodthirsty statement, leapt
Schulze jumped in between the two students to stop
headfirst over five desks to tackle Dwire.
the fight. “Foolish woman,” said Londo. “I don’t
know what she was thinking. You never get between
texting a friend from the corner of the classroom, with
two students like that. They’ll eat you alive every
her earphones in, having no idea that anything had
time.” The entire class became outraged at the idea
occurred. When told by fellow student Brittany
that the entertainment was about to end, and so
Jansma what had happened, she stated, “Oh, okay,”
jumped onto Schulze and began beating her with their
and went back to her texting.
notebooks. One of the only students not to attack
When asked for comment, Schulze stated,
Schulze was Branson Quinones, who preferred to sit
“Unbelieveable. Lakey is insane. I know he’s always
at a distance and throw pencils at the pile of students.
fancied himself a ninja this was nuts. And Nicole?
When the students finally came down from their
That girl is the devil’s little sister. Not like the rest of
sugar high and left Schulze curled up and whimpering
the class is much better. Animals, the lot of them. I
on the floor, they proceeded to storm through the
think that Matilla kid might have actually peed on my
school waving their spiral notebooks and screaming,
desk at one point. I don’t know. Maybe it was
“Death to warmups!” A few foolish teachers tried to
Blower.”
stand in their way, but were soon trampled by the
mob and left for dead.
Only one student, Shakeelah Suddoo, did not take
part in the classroom brawl. She was found quietly
The rogue English students were finally calmed
down, and lured to the police station with promises of
donuts and bubblegum. Charges are expected to be
filed soon.