“Dastardly Dan” – Night at the Wireless Radio Play 2010
SFX: early morning music plays …. (ex Anthony Lee)
NARRATOR: It was a quiet morning in Newcastle. Birds were singing...
SFX: Treasure Hunter Chicken Squawk
NARRATOR: The Laman St trees were swaying...
SFX: Chainsaw starting
NARRATOR: And ABC Newcastle News journalist Dan Cox was reading the news in
the 1233 News Booth...
DAN: Newcastle city council is yet to confirm rumours that grass is indeed growing at
number of inner city locations, a spokesperson said in a statement today that council
staff will turn their attention to this issue in due course but are yet to lodge their final
report regarding the issue of paint drying in the vicinity of Newcastle East in the last
week.ABC News
DAN: This is depressing.
AUDIENCE: AWWWWWWW...
DAN: If only there was something interesting to report on.
NARRATOR: The next day, Jenny Bates was presenting Treasure Hunter live in the
spacious, light-filled, barbecue-adjacent 1233 studio.
AUDIENCE: Ahhhhhh... (relief)
JENNY...and we’re taking your calls hoping to get to the Treasure before 12... Dan
from Newcastle West is on the line, hello?
DAN: (Speaking through a fan so as to distort his voice) Jenny - this is the evil and
wicked... er... Man Pox... and I have a question for you...
SFX MUSIC: Evil music
DAN: Have you checked your colleagues recently?
JENNY: Um.. no.. It’s Saturday, ain’t nobody here but us Treasure Hunter chickens
SFX: Treasure Hunter Chicken Squawk
DAN: Oh.. well... Well you probably should! Because you’ll notice that two of them are
missing!
AUDIENCE: GASP!!!
SFX: Evil music
JENNY: What?
DAN: That’s right! I, the evil and wicked Tan Sox, have kidnapped two presenters and
Night at the Wireless 2010
Page |1
Final
“Dastardly Dan” – Night at the Wireless Radio Play 2010
I’m currently holding them hostage!
AUDIENCE: GASP!!!
JENNY: Oh no! Who?
DAN: Who?! I’ll show you who!
AARON: Jenny! He’s got us trapped in an undisclosed location!
CAROL: He hit us over the head with a field report kit and dragged us into the
newsmobile!
AARON: And he’s torturing us, Jenny!
JENNY: Aaron AND Carol …. I thought it was quiet on twitter this morning. How is
he torturing you?
AARON: He’s reading us every news report on the Newcastle rail line ever written!!!
AUDIENCE: GASP!!! / SCREAM!!!
CAROL: No! Not another one Dan! Please have mercy!
DAN: Quiet Carol! My name’s Nan Rox! I am certainly not that outstanding multiaward winning news journalist Dan Cox!
AARON: There’s someone else tied up here as well, but I can’t see their face - oh
please Jenny - help us!
DAN: Quiet both of you! Jenny - you have till the end of this comedy sketch to find me
- or they’ll simply have been driven mad by the rail line stories!!!
AARON: Noooooo!!!
DAN: And don’t go calling the cops either! If I hear one sound from Tony Tamplin then
I’ll intersperse the rail line stories with stories about surf house!
AUDIENCE: GASP!!!
CAROL: Jenny! Help!
SFX: Rustling of papers
DAN: There was a step forward in the rail line debate today, as member for Newcastle
Bryce Gaudry continued discussions with...
SFX: Engaged tone sounds
JENNY: Ok... You’re listening to 1233 ABC Newcastle - Jenny Bates with you - we’ll
be back in a moment, hopefully with a solution or at least more news from the
kidnapping.
MUSIC: Music for the “Enter ABC” promo begins.
Night at the Wireless 2010
Page |2
Final
“Dastardly Dan” – Night at the Wireless Radio Play 2010
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Jenny ran wildly through the building...
SFX: Door opens, door closes
SFX: Sound of footsteps as JENNY runs through the building
NARRATOR: ...and found Paul Bevan singing, accompanied by Jill Emberson on the
Ukulele.
PAUL and JILL play the ukulele and sing few words
JENNY: Paul! Jill! What are you two doing?!
JILL: Our performance in the first act was so good we’re rehearsing for our encore.
JENNY: Well, stop that! Aaron and Carol have been kidnapped!
AUDIENCE: GASP!
PAUL: Typical!
JILL: I knew those two rascals would get themselves into mischief one day!
JENNY: We have to help them!
PAUL: We sure do - there’s no way I’m waking up as early as Aaron does!
JILL: And I just don’t have enough twitter followers to do Carol’s job.
SFX: Footsteps as JENNY, PAUL and JILL run back to the studio...
MUSIC: The “Enter ABC” promo ends
JENNY: You’re listening to 1233 ABC Newcastle where we have breaking news that a
member of the ABC Newcastle News team has kidnapped two presenters and is
currently holding them hostage in an undisclosed location. We have a text message
here... It’s a poem from... MCW...
The news is bad for AK, CD and I,
We’re in a place that’s the same backwards,
Where the people are merely players
(here’s that clue again for those who need to write it down), Jenny repeats.
JILL: What does that mean?!
PAUL: I think it’s supposed to be AK, CD and ME, actually...
JENNY: I think it’s a Treasure Hunter Clue!
PAUL: My goodness! MCW! It’s the Mystery Clue Writer!
JENNY: We have a caller on the line - it’s Barney from Whitebridge, Barney, hello.
BARNEY: Hi Jenny, long time listener, 700th time caller, I’m not sure how much help
I’ll be, but I think the AK is referring to a Russian-made Kalashnikov AK-47 assault
Night at the Wireless 2010
Page |3
Final
“Dastardly Dan” – Night at the Wireless Radio Play 2010
rifle, the CD is referring to a compact disc, and the “news is bad” is probably referring
to a bear, as in “Bad News Bears”... I reckon we’re looking for a CD factory that
employs Russian bears.
JENNY: Barney, that’s completely ridiculous! What on earth are you on about?
BARNEY: Well... then maybe the AK and CD is referring to Aaron and Carol, and the
“news is bad” part is probably talking about Dan Cox...
JENNY and PAUL (together): Thanks Barney.
JENNY: Oy! This is my show now, Paul!
PAUL: How dare you! I created this show and I shall take it back when I please!
JENNY: Your time is over, old man! Aaron’s breakfast listeners solve WAY more of
the Treasure Hunter clues than your drive listeners do!
PAUL: You have slighted me, tiny pixie! I have no choice but to challenge you to a
duel! I am throwing down the gauntlet.
SFX: A gauntlet being thrown to the ground
JENNY: Why do you have a gauntlet?
PAUL: I kept it from my Classic FM days.
JENNY: Well – I’m picking up the gauntlet because I haven’t seen one before and it
looks interesting... and then I’m throwing it down A SECOND TIME!!!
PAUL: How dare you!?
JENNY: Shall we take this outside?
PAUL: Certainly!
AUDIENCE: FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!!
SFX: Door opens, door closes
There is a long silence...
JILL: ...guys? ...hello?
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in Dan Cox’s lair...
DAN COX, now wearing a mask and cape, laughs maniacally...
AARON: Why are you doing this Dan?
CAROL: What have we ever done to you?
AARON: And why are you wearing a mask? ...and cape?
DAN: Silence! No more questions! It’s easy for you, in your big spacious, barbecueadjacent studio, with new exciting things to talk about, with music and comedy and
Night at the Wireless 2010
Page |4
Final
“Dastardly Dan” – Night at the Wireless Radio Play 2010
treasure hunter clues, and all along, I sit in the tiny news booth reading much the same
stories every day! Do you know how frustrating it is to have to say “Tate” “McKay”,
“Rail Line” and “GPT” 100 times a week?!
AARON: Well, you don’t have to say GPT anymore, do you?
DAN: Silence! I am delivering a dramatic monologue! It’s so frustrating, day after day!
I needed something new to report on! So I took the two of you - and just in case that
wasn’t enough, I took something that people REALLY care about - The Mystery Clue
Writer!! That’s right! No more clues! No clues for you!!!
DAN swishes his cape and laughs.
CAROL: You didn’t say why you’re wearing a cape...
DAN: A man doesn’t need a reason to wear a cape, Carol.
Dan swishes his cape and turns up the radio.
SFX: Radio switching on...
(Pause)
JILL: ...seeing as Jenny and Paul haven’t returned yet, I’m taking your calls, trying to
figure out where evil newsreader Dan Cox is keeping Aaron, Carol and the Mystery
Clue Writer - Barney from Whitebridge is on the line, hi Barney...
BARNEY: Hi Jill, long time listener, 701st time caller, the middle line is referring to a
palindrome, something that’s the same both forwards and backwards. “You can cage a
swallow, can't you, but you can't swallow a cage, can you?” is a word palindrome, so I
think we’re either going to a swamp or a circus...
JILL: What is wrong with you, Barney? That is utterly ridiculous.
BARNEY: Well, the palindrome could also be “Civic”...
JILL: That’s great, thanks Barney.
SFX: Door banging open
SFX: Swords clashing
JENNY: Link THAT with word association, Bevan!!!
PAUL: You’ll be doing a live cross from Hell, Bates!!!
SFX: The door bangs shut
JILL: Ahem... Barney from Whitebridge has called back, hi Barney BARNEY: Hi Jill, long time listener, 702nd time caller. The last line is from Hamlet,
talking about “All the world’s a stage, and the people merely players.” I think we’re
Night at the Wireless 2010
Page |5
Final
“Dastardly Dan” – Night at the Wireless Radio Play 2010
looking for a stagecoach in the Civic area.
JILL: Are you listening to yourself talk, Barney?
BARNEY: I’m just kidding; I think they’re on the stage at the Civic Theatre!
DAN COX switches off the radio.
SFX: Radio switching off.
DAN: Mystery Clue Writer! You tipped them off! How dare you!!! They’re coming!!!
NARRATOR: As Dan Cox escaped in a stagecoach...
SFX: Coconuts clapping to make horse sound
NARRATOR: Riding through a CD factory that employs Russian Bears...
SFX: Bear roar.
FACTORY WORKER: Get that bear more vodka!
NARRATOR: Wading through a swamp...
SFX: Squelch, squelch, squelch.
NARRATOR: Riding through a circus ground...
MUSIC: Circus music.
NARRATOR: Lord Mayor of Newcastle John Tate and Lady Mayoress Cathy Tate
arrive on the scene.
JOHN TATE and CATHY TATE enter, wearing capes.
AARON: John Tate! Cathy Tate!
CAROL: What are you two doing here!?
JOHN TATE: Well, by day I am Lord Mayor of Newcastle...
CATHY TATE: But by night he and I are a superhero crime fighting team!
JOHN TATE: SuperMayor! And my sidekick, Robin!
CATHY TATE: Cathy...
JOHN TATE: Cathy... sorry
CATHY TATE: That’s right, he’s a DayMayor...
JOHN TATE: Not a NightMayor...
They hi-five again...
JOHN TATE: I’ll untie these two. Cathy - go catch Dan Cox!
CATHY TATE: I’ll knock him down with my ceremonial Lady Mayoress Cake stand
and drown him in a bucket filled with Aaron Buman’s tears!!!
She runs offstage.
Night at the Wireless 2010
Page |6
Final
“Dastardly Dan” – Night at the Wireless Radio Play 2010
JOHN TATE: Wait... where’s the Mystery Clue Writer?
CAROL: He’s gone!
AUDIENCE: GASP!!!
PAUSE and SFX.. early morning music plays…
NARRATOR: Three months later, Newcastle District Court is in session, after the airconditioning was fixed and the rats cleared out, at the trial of alleged kidnapper Dan
Cox. His Honour Phil Ashley-Brown is presiding.
AUDIENCE: MUMBLE, GRUMBLE
SFX: Gavel pounding.
PHIL: Order! Order! The court will come to order! Would the council for the defence
please sum up their case?
KIP: Your Honour, due to sections A, B, C, 12 and 33 of the kidnappers practices act,
and the lack of first hand witnesses to the event, surely the jury has no option but to
declare my client “Not Guilty”.
AUDIENCE: MUMBLE, GRUMBLE
SFX: Gavel pounding
PHIL: Order! The court will come to order! Good. Now, council, why aren’t there any
witnesses?
KIP: Aaron Kearney and Carol Duncan are in a rehabilitation facility at a Melbourne
tram depot to cure their new fear of public transport - railcorpophobia, and we are
unable to locate the Mystery Clue Writer, Jenny Bates and Paul Bevan are still locked in
a seemingly endless battle over the Treasure Hunter Program, and Jill Emberson is
currently covering all their shifts, the mornings program now runs from 5:30am till
6pm.
SFX: Radio tuning.
JILL: We’re going to hear some music now, and I hope you have the Wizard of Oz
DVD loaded up, because here on 1233 Breakfast/Mornings/Afternoons/Drive I’m about
to play the entire length of Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” album... Nat can you
get me a subscription to Gardening Australia magazine and update my Twitter account?
It looks like we’re doing the weekend shift too.
SFX: Radio tunes out.
PHIL: We shall need to locate the Mystery Clue Writer...
Night at the Wireless 2010
Page |7
Final
“Dastardly Dan” – Night at the Wireless Radio Play 2010
KIP: I understand he or she is in this very room.
AUDIENCE: GASP!!!
PHIL: Well, in the name of justice I ask him or her to step forward...
Silence...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: I am the Mystery Clue Writer.
AUDIENCE: GASP!!!
JOHN TATE: No! I am the Mystery Clue Writer!
CATHY TATE: No! I am the Mystery Clue Writer!
PHIL: No! I am the Mystery Clue Writer!
KIP: No! I am the Mystery Clue Writer!
AUDIENCE: No! I am the Mystery Clue Writer!
PHIL – Well I’d like to call an expert witness to the stand… Craig Hamilton, will you
please come forward?
CRAIG HAMILTON comes forward
PHIL: Mr Hamilton, you work closely with the Treasure Hunter team, what do you
know?
CRAIG: Well, it has to be someone who has a bit of time on their hands, with a good
knowledge of the area, who works on a Saturday morning but NOT on the Treasure
Hunter program… someone who has probably just been introduced into the play… but
when asked “are you the Mystery Clue Writer” would answer “absolutely not!”
KIP: (slowly getting more and more animated/excited) – But Craig, you have a bit of
time on your hands, you work on a Saturday morning, but NOT on the Treasure Hunter
program, you have a good knowledge of the area…and YOU have just been introduced
into the play… Craig, I ask you ‘ARE YOU THE MYSTERY CLUE WRITER’?
CRAIG: (with a sly grin) absolutely not!
END
Night at the Wireless 2010
Page |8
Final