Supporting Parenting in Shelter
Checklist for DV Advocacy Programs
Program policy and staff structure:
 Recognizing the need for family privacy and mother child connections, and
the impact of trauma, the program avoids housing more than one family in
a room whenever possible
 Program rules allow mothers to set their children’s bedtimes, and allow
flexibility regarding direct supervision based on individual children’s needs
and capacities
 Management team includes someone with specific responsibility for the
quality of life for children and parents in shelter
 The shelter manager, child advocacy staff and ED have read Parenting in
Public by Donna Haig Friedman and discussed it
 25% of training time and funds are devoted to information on parenting,
child development, or other topics focused on supporting parenting
 Minimum hiring standards include a commitment to non violent discipline,
the ability to approach parenting conversations non-judgmentally, and a
willingness to engage with children
 All advocacy job descriptions include engaging with children to help them
feel comfortable in the shelter as well as supporting survivors in their
parenting.
Physical Space:
 The shelter space provides quiet, comfortable, and private
places for mothers and children to read, do homework, or
play games together
 The shelter has child and teen friendly spaces inside and
outside
 Sightlines within and outside the shelter allow parents to maintain visual
supervision of their children while cooking, smoking and talking with other
residents
 The shelter has toys, games, craft activities and other amusements
available to parents and children
 Parents can access the kitchen any time to meet their children’s food needs
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Advocacy
 Advocates discuss children’s needs and parenting challenges with parents
during first 48-72 hours of entering shelter. (see the Proactive Support for
Parenting Conversation Checklist)
 Advocates routinely make space for parents to talk about how abuse
impacted their children and their parenting
 Program staff defer decision making regarding children’s daily activities
to the child’s mother
 Mothers, not program staff, present children with toys, games or
other fun stuff that the program buys or receives as donations for
children.
 Program staff helps kids make (or pick out) gifts for their mothers
on special occasions
 Regular, fun events are scheduled for staff, children and mothers to gather
in positive and fun ways. For example, pizza night, game night, picnics at
the park…
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Proactive Support for Parenting Conversation Checklist (DRAFT)
Within the first 24 hours after entering the shelter:
 Tell parent you want to support their parenting
 Ask “is there anything in particular you want me to know
about any of your children that will help us make this a good
place for them? Do they have a birthday coming up, special
learning needs or behavior challenges? Are there games or activities that
the child really enjoys?”
 Tell parent you know it can be hard to parent in shelter and you want to
help
 Ask: “How will we know if you are having a hard time?”
48-72 hours after entering the shelter, talk with parents about parenting and
reclaiming parenting. The following is not a checklist or form to go over with
residents, but rather, a checklist for advocates of the important points to cover with
parents.
Talk about Parenting in the Shelter; Validate that it is Challenging
 Tell the parent how important their parenting is to help their children thrive
in light of the domestic violence
 Talk about the challenges and good parts of parenting in shelter
 Good Stuff: Lots of playmates, Caring staff, Resources
 Challenges:
o Lots of distractions for kids who need to do homework
o Minimal private space with mom and siblings (how you can help)
o Kids have had a variety of experiences and we can’t always
predict how they may act out their distresses and traumas; need
to be vigilant about safety and appropriate play and
compassionate with children who are struggling with
displacement, disruption and trauma
o Varying parenting styles within the shelter
o Feeling that everyone is observing your parenting
 Ask what the parent is most concerned about with regard to parenting in
shelter? (what can you do to alleviate this concern or provide support?)
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 Ask about their parenting approach and philosophy: what informs their
parenting? Who is their role model? Who do they go to for information
and ideas about parenting? How have these strategies worked? What
sort of parent do they hope to be?
Explain your program’s basic philosophy about supporting parenting:
 Parenting in the context of dv is really hard
 Often the parent/child relationship has been disturbed by the abuse in the
home (distraction, interruption of nurturing, not realizing own parenting
goals because of stress, etc.)
 Kids need their moms to feel safe and strong and to be resilient to abuse
 Kids need to feel safe in the shelter and in their families too
 Advocacy staff does not want to take away parental authority, but we do
want to be helpful
 Shelter can be a place to reclaim parenting and ideals for family life
 Advocates want to help have this happen
Provide support to Reclaim Parenting and Family Life:
 How did the dv affect parenting and family life with kids?
 How have the kids specifically been impacted in terms of sense of security,
social adjustment, developmental goals, learning?
 If children are misbehaving, offer hope that it will improve. Research
indicates that dv-exposure-related problems fade within six months when
children are in a safe and nurturing environment.
 What are her hopes for their family life?
 What would she like her kids to remember about their childhood and
about her as a parent?
 What are her hopes for her children? What does she want for them in the
next couple of months, and in the next 10 years? (affirm anything positive
here)
 What are her biggest parenting challenges? Are there times it is hard to
achieve parenting goals?
 How will staff know if she is having a hard time? What can staff do to
assist her when parenting is difficult?
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 Tell the parent each advocate will do their best to support her parenting
and offer support in the best possible way when she is stressed out or
having a hard time parenting as she hopes to.
Here’s some other questions you might ask a mom about her children, when time
permits, as a way of starting meaningful conversation with moms
 What are the child’s strengths and gifts?
 What are the child’s challenges?
 What specific concerns does she have about the child?
 What kind of routines does she have for the child around bedtime, getting
ready for school, chemeals?
 What are their rules around supervision? Can the child be left
unsupervised safely? For how long?
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Activities to Strengthen
Parent/Child/Sibling Relationships

Make a ‘Family Banner’

Make ‘Feelings’ games and artwork together…and use
them!

Make a family chart about whose jobs are whose

Make big stuffed family member dolls out of paper

Make family members out of clay and set them up
doing their favorite things together

Create a “family motto” together and post it

Cook together

Make time each day to play
together

Play games, sing, draw, or color a
picture together

Read age-appropriate books
together about feelings, fears,
abuse, and violence.

Go over workbooks and coloring books together: “I do,
and I don’t” by Fred Rogers, and/or “Exploring Fear”
(thank you to Amy Torchia and the Vermont Network for these ideas)
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