Kim Flood, BA, Certified Parent Coach
Parents have a choice and the power to heal.
It’s healing for both the parents and the
children to learn new ways of interacting.
Unwrapping Child Behavior
A Physiological Approach
Thinking about the effect of communication on the child’s BODY
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The child’s brain is seeking the same level of intensity.
When it reaches that level, it is highly rewarding of the behavior.
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The Institute of Heartmath
The heart is responsive to emotional input.
The heart has its own neurological system and it
sends messages to the brain!
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Messages sent repeatedly strengthen
heart-brain neural pathways.
Fight
 Flight
 Freeze
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Dr. Daniel Siegel’s The Mindful Brain
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Dr. Paul Pearsall’s The Heart’s Code
 Sunshine
of our love
 Water of positivity for good
behavior
 Fertilizer of teaching values
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When you … I feel … because …
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Your power is in the positives.
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Strengthening neural pathways
increases the behavior you WANT.
At what age do
children start to
willfully manipulate
adults?
When we live in fear, we miss the love.
Punishment has three results:
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Temporary stoppage of the behavior
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The need to retaliate
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Fear
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For parents
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For kids
We were all raised based on this model.
Society is oriented this way, too.
 The
A
Power of Now
New Earth
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Decreases fear for you
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Joins the child where he/she lives.
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Honors your relationship.
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Slows you both down.
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What is individuation?
Ask questions rather than issue
directives.
Show sincere interest in his/her
interests, friends, issues.
 Listen
deeply.
The New Way:
Growing Desired Behaviors
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Plan for pregnancy, birth, and parenting.
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Respond with sensitivity.
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Use nurturing touch.
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Engage in nighttime parenting.
Where they didn’t previously exist
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More than “catching kids being good.”
Watch for successes wherever they may be.
Some kids can’t take positives.
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“I know its hard or uncomfortable to hear
the good things, but its my job to tell you
the good things. Pretty soon you will get
used to it.”
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Write notes.
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Can you think of an example besides
talking to get the positive message across?
The family meeting
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Say what you love about being in the family.
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Each person takes a turn and has as many turns as they
need.
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Talk until you are finished.
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Say what you love about being in the family.
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End the meeting.
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Adds ceremony to your family life.
Rewards and reinforces what you want:
listening.
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Build family identity, creating
belongingness.
A forum for issues that everyone can use.
Parenting on the “front end” of the
behavior.
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Say what you love about being in the family
(at the beginning of each meeting.)
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Report “like the news” about issues.
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Ask for solutions.
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Children make the rules.
Start with “no.”
Include the children
in making the list.
It’s their list.
You are the
secretaries.
At the end, add to
the list.
Say, “We might need
to make up rules on
the spot.”
Rules are only discussed when
there has been no infraction
(give no attention to
infractions.)
“Let’s have a do-over.”
-Do-overs are very effective, as
they teach the alternative
behavior.
-They move you toward the
child, instead of away.
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Don’t start your answer with “no.”
Don’t start your request with the
child’s name.
Ask a question.
Play the scene as it happened, and then
play it over with clear communication
and respect.
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You have had the second family meeting.
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The rules are posted.
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The do-overs have been rehearsed when
there is no infraction.
You have switched roles to rehearse.
It is simply a procedure.
Let the kids know.
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“Did you see what your baby brother
just did? What do you think he will do
next?”
Use do-overs whenever you can.
 Warning
 Negotiation
 Children
are scientists
Right now.