Introduction - A Necessary Revolution
For a male to be born into our culture is guaranteed trauma. It is trauma, because man’s
most difficult struggle, sexuality, is woven into the fabric of our culture and media.
Practically 100% of men are strongly driven by visual sexual stimulation and
accompanying fantasy, if we let our minds run freely. Imagine a world of free heroin for
a heroin addict. This is essentially what we have in our culture for men. On the Internet
pornography is free for the taking, along with many opportunities for discreet sexual
encounters through social media, chat rooms, gaming, and etc. Most men struggle with
sexuality, and most men don’t get help because of the stigma and shame associate with
the struggle. So, most men struggle in silence and keep their problem to themselves. But
there is help, and there is no need for the shame or unrelenting desire to deter us from a
path of healing and wholeness.
A major factor that often makes men extremely discouraged about overcoming sexual
lust is the persistent, seemingly relentless desires which never seem to weaken over time.
After trying and trying many times to overcome the problem, at some point, many just
accept the fact that they will always be a slave to this desire. As a result, we try to
incorporate lust into our lives in such a way that we can still function. We settle for a
mediocre or joyless faith; a cycle of guilt, forgiveness, temptation, and acting out,
repeated over and over again. On top of this, we experience estrangement and isolation
due to the reality that we are likely keeping this dark part of our life secret from those we
love. So, we struggle in secret and live double lives. Many who struggle with lust are
very good men, but have neatly packaged away this portion of life which no one can see.
Programs constructed to address the problem of sexual integrity often do not seem to
offer effective strategies to help people experience consistent growth and freedom in this
area. Therefore, the discouragement that so many men feel is understandable. There are
a number of Christian organizations offering curriculum to address this issue, and much
of what they have to offer is quite helpful. However, in spite of much effort to address
this issue in the church, it is apparent to this author that one or more of the following
three components central to Christianity are often missing. It seems to me that all three
of these components are indispensible for experiencing consistent growth with regard to
sexual integrity (and any other area of life for that matter). The three primary areas of
concern are the following:
1. Support – We need people in our lives to help us with sexual integrity issues. One of
the primary features of this addiction is shame. When the shame is destroyed through
grace and non-judgmental support and acceptance from other kind-hearted people, we
can openly work on the issue with a few committed partners. We need both
encouragement and accountability of others to assist our growth. Without others, we are
left to holding ourselves accountable. In times of temptation, we can always find a way
to excuse our weakness and indulge. But when we have a group of other men and
perhaps our wives to help us, our commitment and determine can be significantly
bolstered.
2. A detailed Prevention Plan – The accountability and encouragement of our sponsors
is significantly aided when we develop a specific plan that protects us against as our
vulnerabilities to sexual temptation. This plan will be specific strategies to guard us
against all the temptations which we may face: computers, phones, computer tablets,
televisions, video stores, people who are negative influences, times and places in which
we need to account for, etc. The purpose of this plan is to guard you against your own
inclinations. This way, we are not relying on commitment alone to sustain us. We need
something to protect us when our commitment runs low during times of stress and
temptation. This prevention plan helps protect us during these times. Of course, any
accountability and prevent plan can be sabotaged. But when you have a solid plan in
place it will be more difficult to act out when tempted. You will have to lie to several
people and be unfaithful to them in order to cross the boundary to lust. This fear of
breaking covenant with your supporters and the extra work it will take to get access to
pornography or to physically act out due to the fence you have built around you makes
the choice to lust much more unlikely.
3. Spiritual Formation – A Spiritual formation plan is a deliberate well-thought-out
moment-by-moment plan to Abide in Christ as an end in itself, and not merely used as a
tool to overcome lust, but rather, joyfully abiding in the freedom of God’s love in and
through us. Abiding in Christ involves a daily and moment- by moment lifestyle of
living by faith, hope and love in a sea of grace. Sexual lust, or any addiction for that
matter cannot be defeated by self-effort alone. We need the empowerment of Grace.
The first two of these three elements are considered Band-Aids. As important as they
are, without our choice to pursue truth, a love relationship with God and others, any plan
to not lust will eventually fail. The reason for this is that our goal in life is not to not sin,
but to live a full life of trust toward God and love toward others. When we pursue this
deliberately, aided by contemplation, meditation and prayer, the by-product we get as a
side effect is sobriety. If we view this or any other program as a way to overcome lust,
the program will eventually fail. But when we get our relationship with God and others
right, all other things fall in place. It’s like buttoning your shirt. If you get the top button
right, all the other buttons below will line up.
The following sections will assist us to implement these three disciplines into our lives:
1. Sexual History
2. Sin as Parasite and Accepting Grace
3. Accountability and Encouragement
4. Abiding in Christ vs. Sin Management
5. Abiding in Christ
We are bombarded by a world that is the exact opposite of the life we as Christians want
to live. As a result, we are saturated with a world that pursues validation, self-protection
and self-promotion and meaningless instant pleasure. As you know, the Gospel of Christ
is the exact opposite of this, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself,
and take up his cross and follow Me. "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it;
but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. (Matthew 16:24-25). Do not love the
world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not
in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the
boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. The world is passing
away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. (1Jn 2:1517). But the good news is that if we trust God, all the things we desired in inappropriate
ways will be given back to us. After all, sex, pleasure and enjoyment are all God’s
creations and ideas. Desire in itself is not the problem. The problem is the way we
pursue our desires.
Commitment
After years of doing sexual integrity counseling, I have learned one important lesson.
Because of the difficulty or shame associated with this struggle, many men do not take
the necessary steps to experience victory and joy in the area of sexuality. The
commitment involves a complete overhaul of your lifestyle. Therefore, as you are
contemplating getting counseling for this issue, ask yourself how willing you are be
completely committed to the process. With this issue half-measures will not work. I
know this by experience for myself and other men.
Final words about this Sexual Integrity Program
I have broken up the material into 6 parts for 6 counseling sessions. My intention is that
you would take the material and process each section on your own, then have an
appointment with me to process the material and implement in your life. The material is
thought provoking and deep. Therefore, you will need to prepare ahead of time to spend
some significant time on this journey. The material is peppered with questions for you to
do some self-reflection. You may choose to have 12 sessions, or two sessions per section
of material simply because of the amount of material to process and implement. This is
what I actually recommend for optimal experience due to the volume of information to
digest. It is a lot of work, but the payoff will be worth it if you implement it thoroughly!!!
Consider leading a group
Another way to reinforce the material is to start your own small group and work through
the material together. You have my permission to print off the material and use it this
way. In a small group format, I would encourage you to plan for at least 12 weeks to
adequately discuss and implement the material. If you need help establishing a group, I
would be happy to help you get started. Best wishes on the difficult, and yet joyful
journey!!