The introduction is full of choppy sentences, good ideas that aren’t articulated
quite so well. The most striking example of this is the sentence, “At the Georgia Institute
of Technology almost every student is very smart.” This sentence does not contain any
relevant information, and doesn’t contribute much to the idea of the paper.
Need to back up the claim that it is difficult to receive merit based scholarships at
Georgia Tech, however, the relation to yourself was done well. Also, maybe it’s just a
personal thing, but I don’t like the use of the words “high regards scholarship.” It just
doesn’t sound correct.
To make a claim like they are not up to scale, one must define what this “scale”
should be. The phrase “ton of money” shouldn’t be used in any formal paper. The need
argument is done fairly well, but that is capitalism, so either acknowledge that, or present
a solution for how to avoid that.
The conclusion should absolutely not start off with the words “in conclusion.”
You should give a solution for how it would be possible to close the gap, either by more
government spending or more private donations, or some other sources. Don’t just say
what should be done, tell how it should be done.