Student exemplars and moderator comments for grade boundaries.
See also:
The 90376 standard ( including explanatory notes)
The clarification document for writing
Pages 3-5 of the current
National Moderator’s Report
The four internal assessment resources for this standard (TKI)
These seven samples are grade boundary samples of student work .
They have been annotated to explain why they just meet or do not meet the standard .

This response does not yet meet the standard for Achieved.

Develop and support ideas in a piece of formal transactional writing.

Craft writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.

Structure material in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.

Use writing conventions accurately.
Why does this response not yet meet the standard at Achieved?

It does not meet the first criterion. The piece becomes a ‘re-tell’ of an event rather than the development of an idea .

There are too many awkward constructions and expressions to meet the requirement to
‘ craft writing to create effects appropriate to purpose, text type’

The piece is not structured in ‘a way that is appropriate to the purpose’ (the students’ developing leadership skills/ experience)

It does not use writing conventions accurately. There are patterns of apostrophe and syntax errors.
The introduction clearly establishes the purpose of the text (leadership, role models) (third criterion, structure )
Introduction is generally appropriately crafted,
(second criterion) although there are some awkward structures.
(italicised)
First criterion : the following five body paragraphs show some, but limited, development of the idea of leadership.
Second body paragraph briefly discusses a leadership task- but there is limited development of the idea.
"Haere mai ra, haere mai ra" were the words I sang as our bus rumbled its way down the hill towards the marae at which we were staying. On this very hot and humid Thursday morning we arrived at the marae's gates sweating furiously while holding our unusually heavy luggage. It was the 30"' of January, the day we so-called
"role-models" began our overnight camp, where we would be taught how to be smart and reliable "role models". Our concentration on the methodically crashing waves of the sea that was neighbouring our camp was broken by the sweet voice of a woman calling us to come onto the marae, using a traditional Maori karanga . So our exciting journey of leadership had begun.
We found the voice of the woman belonged to Whaea Hetet who was part "Maori, African, English...", who so kindly asked that we
"only take memories". It was then the males’ turn who was quietly waiting for us to finish the hongi and take a seat so he could then perform a traditional Maori welcoming speech. The man introduced himself as Matua Kingi and both Whaea Hetet and Matua Kingi had to exit the marae after they had formally welcomed us on, so once they had departed we were left to our own devices for a while until it was time to feed the grumbling voices that were our stomachs.
Next paragraphs have loose links to the topic with some supporting details, (speeches activities) but limited links and development to the
The groups that we had chosen the day before each had specially assigned tasks of cooking and cleaning, but thankfully my group and I were not the delegated cooks or cleaners yet. To our greatest surprise and utter disappointment, we found that we would first have to undergo a little "leadership paperwork". The task we were set was to, in our special little groups, read through and produce a

leadership idea.
Second criterion:
Awkward constructions throughout the text (some examples are italicised).
There are limited examples of careful ‘ crafting to create effects’ as is required. thorough explanation about the topic on the paper.
Our group had to explain how to "Prepare a Program" for the activities we would be doing with the new Year Nines. It was fairly straightforward as
Chris, one of my comrades, read directly from the information sheet the more important facts of our topic. Our stomachs were finally settled after we finished the task and more preparation for our Peer
Support activities took us right into dinner, whereas our group still weren't cooking or cleaning.
Third criterion: the text has been paragraphed, the paragraphs are
Although structured around the events in the day, rather than structured around the main purpose of the text (leadership).
As the feeding of faces came to a bloated stop, all students and teachers alike waited for the arrival of Mr. Jim Brown, the hearty, down-to-earth principal of Sunshine High School, who had decided to make an entry at around 7:00pm. Once inside the wharenui, it was time for the memorable speech a principal would give to the
Year Thirteen that we are. As Mr Browns speech wore on, it was clear that he was very keen to get his important messages drilled into our heads with comments like `you have to discipline yourself', so as we get closer to our goal and the road gets tougher, your have to push yourself forward and "keep your head up".
Fourth criterion
(conventions):
There is a pattern of misplaced apostrophes
(both inserted where they should not be and not inserted where they should; suggesting a limited understanding of apostrophe use)
Following his speech were some team-building activities Mr. Brown had taken with him, where the randomly chosen groups that we had just been put into have to use, for example, something other than their mouths to communicate and make the tallest and strongest (not to mention the prettiest) tower possible.
Supper was eagerly accepted and then it was off to the whare moe for the girls and the tents we had put up earlier for the boys.
There is also a pattern of syntax errors. sentences
Run on are, in particular, quite intrusive.
The next and final day of our inspiring journey saw the appearance of our guest speakers’ local policeman Constable Smith; former Tall
Black Coach McKean and the New Zealand Black Sox captain
Bevan Martin. One of the more important messages I extracted from
Mr. Martins' speech was "the sacrifice we all have to make" in order to achieve our dream, but more importantly to use the school to my advantage and "get the most out of it" as it is a prime resource for goals. Once the speeches that had made us re-think our lives had finished, it was time for lunch and some final bits and pieces that we had to complete for our Peer Support group.
The idea of leadership
(first criterion) is not sufficiently addressed in the conclusion (third criterion). There is, however, an effective link in the last sentence to the opening paragraph.
3:00pm came and it was time to depart from the Year 13 Orientation
Camp, the groups cleaned the marae and with the last few group photos taken, we all stampeded onto the bus and back to good old
Hometown. I would like to thank Mr Jones , our most reliable bus driver, the 7 th
Form Dean, Ms Thomas, Mr Kahui for providing a frisbee, Mrs Green for supervising us, Mr Martin, Constable
Smith, Coach McKean and Mr Brown for their encouraging speeches and Whaea Hetet and Matua Kingi for welcoming the group onto the marae. Most of all, the Year Thirteen "crew" for an awesome camp and good old-fashioned outdoor fun. I hope that
Whaea Hetet will be pleased that we only took priceless memories.

This response just meets the standard at Achieved.
:

Develop and support ideas in a piece of formal transactional writing.

Craft writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.

Structure material in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.

Use writing conventions accurately.
Why does this response just meet the standard at achieved?

The text sufficiently develops the idea that violent games have an influence on teenage violent behaviour. The points are supported with relevant details and examples

There is some evidence of crafting as defined by EN 5: ‘ Craft involves a systematic process of reworking and reshaping the writing, and selecting language deliberately to achieve a coherent, planned whole.’ However there are some awkward expressions which make this borderline for the second criterion.

The text is clearly organised and structured.

The text meets the accuracy requirement. Minor errors are acceptable.
Introduction identifies the topic. ( third criterion, structure).
Questions and second person pronoun, both directed at the reader, show conscious crafting ( second criterion )
Does your child play violent games? Could your child be the next trigger happy criminal? Is violent gaming a prime influence on teenage violence?
The idea ( first criterion) of violent games and its link with teenage violence has limited development in the body paragraphs.
Each paragraph deals with a specific aspect of the topic.
Relevant points are described with sufficient explanation.
Kids should not be playing R16 and R18 games when they are only 14. How closely are the age restrictions on games followed?
These days the age restrictions on games are not followed very closely. Most of the time the person that buys the game are the required age, but the people who play that bought game are underage. These days parents, older sibling or friends are buying the games that the younger ones cannot. This leads to children playing violent and unappropriate games that could be harmful for their future.
However, the direction of the argument is not always clear. For example, the first body paragraph appears, at first, to be on a slightly different aspect of the topic.
Details and examples are
The crime and abuse rate in the US has soared in the last 10 years.
More and more kids are now being treated for anger management.
These are some statements that make us blame gaming, but what tests have been done? A test run by Irwin Strafford identifies the effects on teenagers playing a non-aggressive game versus a teenager playing an aggressive game. The result for the two different types of game came out as either impulsive or reflective.

given to events).
All the points made are linked to the main idea of the text. support points made (statistics, examples and relevant links to current
The points are organised into reasonably structured paragraphs structure).
(third criterion,
The teenagers who played the aggressive game, compared to those that played the non-aggressive game displayed verbal and physical aggression to inanimate objects and friends at lunch time.
Another test was carried out. This time both action packed games were used. The first game was the action packed but non violent
“Need for Speed: Underground” the second was the ultra violent
“Medal of Honor: Frontline”. There were 44 picked students that were split into two groups. One group played the violent game for
30 mins and the other raced for 30 mins. The kids were given MRI scans of their brains after the 30 minute sessions. Negative effects on the brains were only showed on those who played the violent game. The same effect was not present in those who raced. The only difference between the two games is violence.
The work shows evidence of some ‘crafting to create effects’
(second criterion).
The language used is generally clear and appropriate. Some inappropriate usage, for example, “kids”.
Some variety of expression and sentence structures although there are some awkward structures and expressions. For example the italicised section.
So yes there are many tests that have been done that prove different theories. So does gaming actually have an effect on teenage violence? Gaming affects children and adults aged 4 to 45.
People are now concerned about games that involve aggression.
Around a third of teenagers play games daily and 7% played
30hours or more a week! Now the opponent either spurts out blood or loses a limb. Who knows where graphics will take violence in the next 10 years? In 1999 on April 20 th
Eric Harris and Dyland
Klebold launched an assault on the Columbine High School in
Littleton, these two teenagers murdering 13 and injuring 23. These two kids used to play the bloody shooting game “Doom”.
Eric and
Dyland had customized this game so there were two shooters, each with weapons and many other people who were defenceless. For a school project the same thing was made in a video, they acted this video less than a year later….
Use of questions directed at the reader is a consistent stylistic device.
The work is generally accurate (fourth criterion) although there are some errors (i.e. unappropriate/inappropriate; game/games; that/who; is/was).
The conclusion criterion)
(third
links to the main idea and invites the reader to think about the issue.
Who should we blame? We could easily put the blame on anyone.
Do we blame the parents for buying the game and letting their child play games that they should not? Could we blame the law for not being harsher on underage gaming? Or do we simply blame the makers of these violent games? I think they all have something to do with it.
Yes, I think that gaming is a prime influence in teenage violence.
To fix this situation I think that new laws need to be placed and game raters need to be harsher. Also we need to not buy kids violent games. Your kids might end up like Eric and Dyland….

This work does not yet meet the standard at Merit

Develop and support ideas convincingly in a piece of formal transactional writing.

Craft controlled writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type

Structure material clearly , in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type

Use writing conventions accurately
Why does this response not meet the standard at Merit?

The i deas are not always ‘ convincing’ (required for Merit) as the ideas sometimes lack depth.

Arguments are sometimes too obvious for Merit. Good evidence is cited at times.

The work is crafted and sometimes ‘ controlled’
(Merit). There is a sense of direction (EN6) but it is not always sustained.

The work is structured but not always ‘clearly’ so. There is some circular reasoning.
However, the work is generally accurate (some minor typos, punctuation issues).
Introduction (third criterion, structure) explains the topic of the text, although it is not particularly clear what the specific argument is going to be.
There is a topic that has a lot of women in a rage, and men rolling their eyes and sighing. This topic although seeming small, can flare, rear its ugly head and bite an innocent bystander. They may not know that this hideous beast, sexism, has struck. I am thankful that I live in a country where women have rights, not like in the Middle
East, where women wear hjiabs and long sleeves in 25 degree plus, heat. Although I do live in a privileged country I still however have a few quibbles with its attitude towards women. Studies show that even in this western culture, men are paid more than women and unfaithful men are seen more acceptable than cheating women.
Being seen as the weaker one has great disadvantages, such as sometimes being seen as slaves and not being allowed to do certain activities men are allowed to do.
Although there is evidence of conscious crafting
(second criterion) there are also some awkward expressions and structures.
The idea ( first criterion) of sexism is developed, but is not always convincing.
For example, the evidence of salary inequity is alluded to, but no specific details given (required for
‘develop ideas convincingly’, Merit)
The National Management Salary Survey has shown that sexism is wide spread, with women getting paid less than men even though they do the same job. This is unfair and sexist because women can do a job as well as any man, if not better. To see a women just as she is and not how good a job she did, would enrage any woman.
Imagine how angry you would be if you found out that your male co-worker is getting paid more than you. As women we should speak out about it and do everything we can to change this .
There was a recent article in The Dominion Post about how male spies can sleep around and not get in trouble for it, but if female spies did this, they would be considered as cheap and a slut. Males can get away with it because sleeping around is considered macho, therefore somewhat acceptable, while on the other hand, females are

Purpose of text clear with final ‘call for action’ sentence (italicised).
Information is given to prove there are sexist attitudes (for example, italicised section, second body paragraph, but the paragraph needs a clearer sense of direction.
The third body paragraph provides further examples of society’s differing standards as regards gender. Ideas are supported and there is some sense of direction
( italicised sections) but there needs to be more to the development of the argument than just further examples.
The work is main idea.
structured
(third criterion) around different aspects of the seen as kind and nurturing, therefore would be frowned upon if they tried that. This shows that society has different standards for men and women . Women are seen as sluts, for example, when talking about prostitutes, people always think of women, and men as their clients. It is has always been seen as the women's fault for leading the men astray and not for the men that come willingly. The impact of this sexist attitude shows women in a bad light, with the men always coming out on top.
Men and women alike, are taught that women are the weaker vessels. They are taught this from the home and school. This statement might be true when talking about emotional things, but men like to think that this is physical too. Some men like to take advantage of this `truth', which can lead to sexual harassment or rape. Women however, ought to forget about being the weaker vessel and become someone to admire by refusing to let the masculine race get the better of them . This forgetting has to start at home and school. There is a joke about how a bride should wear white so she will match the other kitchen appliances. This indicates that women should be doing all the cooking and cleaning, while her husband sits down and relaxes after work. By teaching this at home, many women are going to get the wrong idea about life because they will see themselves as slaves and therefore the weaker vessel.
At school, girls are not allowed to walk through town in their P.E. clothes because some man-who would have to be a super human to overcome the large group of girls, might look at them lustfully. This not only is ridiculous but sexist. Sexist because the guys are allowed to walk through town, without even a whisper of complaint.
There is evidence of some careful ‘reworking and reshaping’
(second criterion, crafting) but there are some awkward expressions which detract.
Some variations in sentence structures, a reasonable range of vocabulary, some apt imagery.
The conclusion reinforces the idea of inequality and the consequences of it. The argument is a ‘call to action’ but insufficiently convincing for Merit.
Move from third, to first, to second person directed text weakens the piece.
Therefore, until parents and teachers teach that women are equals and deserve to be treated like one, they will continue to become the victims of sexism. As women today we should stand up against employers who refuse to pay us the same amount as our male coworkers and point out the fact that unfaithful males should be frowned upon as much as cheating females. Forget about being the weaker vessel and start being the stronger one! Become the modern woman and make sexism a thing of the past.

This response just meets the standard at Merit .

Develop and support ideas convincingly in a piece of formal transactional writing.

Craft controlled writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type

Structure material clearly , in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type

Use writing conventions accurately
Why does this response just meet the standard at Merit?

The ideas are developed convincingly , although some of the ideas are not as convincing as others. Some arguments lack breadth and depth.

The work is generally controlled although there are some awkward expressions which make it borderline. Work shows a reasonable degree of fluency and a persuasive tone throughout.

The work is clearly organised and structured.

Although there are some lapses and random errors the work is deemed just acceptable for the accuracy requirement (fourth criterion).
Introduction (third criterion, structure) clearly states purpose of
the text.
Writer’s point of view clearly established and overview of arguments is
The New Zealand Police have the primary responsibility for protecting the lives of New Zealanders and visitors to our country.
But do the Police need to be armed to assure this? I don’t think so. I believe by introducing guns to our society it will perhaps do more harm than good. It is more likely that a country with guns will provided. create more havoc, rather than prevent it. New Zealand is a country
Each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. ( third which currently lives in peace, with little gun preventable crime.
There is no reason why this needs to be changed now or in the future. criterion, structure)
Evidence given as support for argument (first criterion ). Some illogical
The first major point for not arming Police is the fact that it will cause many unnecessary deaths to innocent citizens. In a recent case in London. England, a young Brazilian man was shot and killed argument at times
( italicised section, first body paragraph).
by armed metropolitan police. The young man was suspected to be carrying a bomb onto a tube train. Not realising he was asked to stop by police, he began to jog towards his ride. This caused the
London Police to fire at him, purely on suspicion. This innocent
Second paragraph moves the argument forward (“If man was shot was dead right in front of members of the public. The this were to happen…”). policeman that shot this man could easy of misfired and hit a pedestrian . This is just one of the many occasions where innocent
Examples of mis-use from members of the public have been killed and put in danger by armed
NZ and other countries given in support. police. When you arm the Police, they have too much power which the majority of the time they cannot use correctly. We do not want these sorts of unnecessary incidents happening in New Zealand. Third and fourth body paragraphs follow same pattern of clear topic
If the NZ Police were armed with guns, they would almost definitely struggle to follow the guidelines. Guns should be used as

sentence. Not always convincing support or argument (a low Merit)
The work is generally controlled ( second criterion, crafting) with some well balanced structures, some variation in sentences, and appropriate level of formality.
There are, however, some awkward expressions and structures which detract.
The work is generally accurate (fourth criterion) although there are some lapses. Tense issues make it borderline for the fourth criterion.
Conclusion links clearly to the introduction ( third criterion). a last resort towards crime, but this would surely change. The Police already have battens, pepper-spray and vicious dogs. They have been known to misuse these less harmful weapons already.
Sometimes resulting in death. There is no way they can be trusted with guns, such as tasers. These dangerous guns have already caused over 167 deaths in Canada and the USA. NZ does not want this. A key instance where this was shown was with John Dewar and his ‘crew’ in the Louise Nicholas case. We do not want these sort of men walking the streets of NZ carrying taser guns.
Another reason why NZ does not need to routinely arm Police is because we will lose extremely valuable members of the Police.
These members of the Police will not wish to wield guns so they will leave the force. This means the remaining Policemen/women are not as experienced, which in high pressure situations will almost certainly count dearly. By arming the Police, we will also gain young members who wish to join just so they can wield guns. This will result in innocent, unnecessary deaths across the country. None of this would happen if NZ leaves it as it is. We already have an armed defenders squad which we can fall back on. So why wish for more?
The final reason against arming the NZ Police is the fact it will cause offenders to carry threatening weapons also. An unarmed
Police force means criminals do not have to arm themselves when committing a crime, as they do not come into contact with Police carrying harmful weapons. But an armed Police force means criminals have to wield weapons for their own safety. This puts the public at a greater risk of injury from crossfire and hostage situations.
In conclusion, if the police were to be armed, our reputation of being a safe friendly country will be ruined. Experience will be lost, respect for police will be gone and most importantly lives will be destroyed. NZ has no need for an armed police force when we already have an armed defenders squad to fall back on. The NZ police force is a thorough enough unit as it is, arming them will be a crucial and pointless mistake.

This response does not yet meet the standard at Excellence.

Develop, support and integrate ideas convincingly in a piece of formal transactional writing.

Craft controlled writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type, and that commands attention .

Structure material clearly and effectively, in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.

Use writing conventions accurately .
Why does this response not yet meet the standard at Excellence?

The ideas are convincingly developed and supported (as required for Merit) in some, but not all, paragraphs. The ideas are not ‘integrated’ as required for Excellence.

The writing is generally controlled although there are some awkward passages. The piece does not ‘command attention’ as required for Excellence.
However, the work is generally structured clearly and effectively and is generally accurate.
The main idea /focus of the piece is stated: the basis for an ‘argument’ is clearly articulated ( first criterion, ideas and
third criterion, structure material clearly ).
There is some awkwardness in crafting
There has been much debate about alcohol abuse in
New Zealand, especially in our teenagers and young adults. This has prompted many politicians which may detract from Excellence
( second criterion, craft controlled into backing a bill to raise the drinking age to twenty. However the question is; will raising the drinking age really change anything, or is it just writing to create effects and that commands attention.) another way of dodging the real problem — underage drinking?
First argument point is valid and logical and is supported with an appropriate reference to Metiria Turei’s comment (first criterion, develop and support ideas convincingly)
Crafting is generally controlled as required for Merit, but the piece does not ‘command attention’ as required for Excellence
( second criterion).
The piece is generally accurate as required for the fourth criterion at all levels: one awkward construction, (italicized)
Ironically, a vast proportion of the people supporting this bill are past their so called 'partying years'. They now believe the younger generation should not be entrusted with the freedom that they were granted in 1999 when the legal age was lowered to eighteen. Although there are those who can see the injustice in this bill . "How can we say that 18, 19 and 20 year old people — legal adults
— who can vote, join the army, get a loan, bet at the TAB, consent to sex, consent to medical treatment and get married are not old enough to have a drink?" This is Metiria Turei's personal opinion, and she raises a valid point. How can someone who can legally sign their life away by

A reasonable counter-argument is presented with the discussion of the
Salvation Army comment, develop, support ideas convincingly).
The work is generally controlled, criterion, craft controlled writing).
The work is clearly structured, criterion, structure material clearly)
Crafting,
(first criterion,
(third
(second criterion, craft controlled writing) becomes less
(second controlled in this section: awkward constructions argument.
(italicized) is borderline for Merit (
detract from the
The argument for ‘further education’ is not sufficiently developed for Excellence and first criterion, develop, support ideas convincingly)
.
The voice of youth is given in the third paragraph as another counter argument to the raising of the drinking age. Statistics are given as supporting evidence, but the source is not acknowledged or referenced
(first criterion, develop, support ideas convincingly)
The ‘root of the problem’ is exposed but not developed: the problem is abandoned at the end of the paragraph. joining the army not yet be mature enough to decide whether or not they will buy an alcoholic drink? Not only is this a contradiction, it is ludicrous. If we were to raise the drinking age, people would begin to question many other age restrictions such as those Turei mentioned.
Therefore we must ask the question, what is the argument for raising the drinking age if the case against it is so strong? The Salvation Army believes "young people have heavy life pressures on them already and the addition of alcohol . . . can complicate their lives and decision-making processes." However, surely the same can be said for every age, not just 18-20 year olds? From age
25, there are constant pressures of work, family, relationships and life in general. While humans mature with age, who is to say that they are more capable than someone younger who has considerably less pressure on them? Every person is different, every situation diverse and it is not fair to cast judgement because of what a number of aged people may personally believe.
It seems that in political battles such as this, the voice of New Zealand's youth is often ignored.
This is incredibly unfair as much of the argument for raising the age is because of the current underage drinking problem. So what do our youth think? 70% of teenagers aged 12 to 17 years agreed that getting hold of alcohol was not a problem. This was shocking, especially as 50% of the same youths stated that they did not drink. Consequently, the blame cannot rest entirely on their shoulders.
After all, it is certainly the older generation supplying them. Thus we find the root of a deeply embedded problem. How do we stop legal adults from supplying underage youths with what they know full-well is illegal? The answer is; we cannot.
Every man or woman on this earth was born with free will, and the real problem is that many are not yet sure what to do with it. Experimentation is a direct result of this and it is hypocritical of adults to think that things should change now because they can see it is a problem. It was back then, and it will continue to be unless something drastic happens.
However, this drastic change should not be raising the drinking age. Instead there should be more pressure on adults to become responsible, and more

The conclusion appears to deflect the problem to “the government”. The
“sustainable change” idea is not sufficiently developed for Excellence ( first criterion, develop, support and integrate ideas convincingly).
The dramatic last sentence is not convincingly linked to any previous argument: “too late” for what ? (third criterion, structure material clearly and effectively)
Although the work continues to be
‘controlled’
(second criterion, Merit), it does not ‘create effects’ that ‘command attention’ (second criterion, Excellence). education for teenagers on the harms of binge drinking and drunk driving. This education should be un-biased information which is purely in order for our youth to recognise their limits and not continue to risk their lives on something as stupid as getting home.
As New Zealanders we need to face the facts.
Raising the drinking age would simply be a shot in the foot. Although much of the older generation would be pleased with this change, it would simply fuel teenager's anger towards government and authority. Also, it would not stop the larger problem because many youths will continue to source alcohol. If anything, this change will make the situation worse. The government must come up with a sustainable change instead of doing things half-heartedly. Because there is one thing that everyone can agree on; that by the time our government decides what action to take, it may be too late for many.

This response does just meet the standard at Excellence.

Develop, support and integrate ideas convincingly in a piece of formal transactional writing.

Craft controlled writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type, and that commands attention .

Structure material clearly and effectively, in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.

Use writing conventions accurately.
Why does this response just meet the standard at Excellence?

Ideas about the character are convincingly developed and supported throughout the piece.
The profile stays focused on the subject’s acting ability with relevant quotations and observations integrated convincingly through the work.

The writing is controlled and sufficiently meets the Excellence requirement to ‘command attention’. The voices of the writer and the subject are distinct and are generally sustained appropriately.

The work is generally structured clearly and effectively.

The work is accurate.
The main idea (acting ability) of the character is established (first and third criteria). Effective use of close-up technique to give the reader a sense of the character.
Effective crafting (second criterion): some sentence variation and conscious repetition.
The work is well structured (third criterion) and there is an effective development of ideas and observations.
Each body paragraph picks up an aspect of the acting idea - background details, acting details and acting roles, personal attributes,
"Somewhere over the rainbow…." she sings while pulling her
German books out of her locker. The words are crisp and clear, with a hint of trill here and there. She then stands there. No movement. No sound. What is she doing? She is trying to remember the words to the rest of the song. This I know, because she has never managed to sing any words after "somewhere, over the rainbow."
This is Mary Smith— a five foot seven actress with big pucker-up lips and a smile that resembles the cheshire cat's. Her citrus green eyes make a pair of hazel eyes look like two dead raisins on a plate.
These greens have the power to make you feel shrivelled up…. or make you believe that your arm is attached to your eye socket. But no magic involved here …just a combination of great acting skills and green contact lenses.
Acting started for Mary at the age of twelve, when she busted her knee at ballet. After nine years of prancing and flying gracefully through the ballet stages, she decided that she couldn't let her passion for ballet go. She wanted to keep continuing ballet in a non- physical way — i.e. she wanted to continue performing in front of an audience. One day she heard her friends talking about attending a drama class. She tagged along with her friends to their drama club and from that day on, her love for acting started.
Even with all this love for acting, you would think that it would be

current involvements and personal quirks.
The idea of Mary as a young actor is convincingly developed and supported . Aspects of the character’s personality are integrated into the work, using the character’s own words and the interviewer’s thoughts, comments and reflection.
The writing is controlled
(second criterion) throughout. ‘Command attention’ is perhaps limited, but there is sufficient variation of structures and tone to meet the standard.
Writing conventions are used accurately (minor errors and editing lapses are acceptable) daunting to act in front of four hundred pairs of eyes. I questioned how she gets ready for big plays. "Directors take the cast through vocal warm-ups, where they scream, shout and stretch their mouths out wide... and I eat a lot of chocolate." answers Mary. Apparently, according to Mary, chocolates trigger humans to produce more endorphins — a natural drug that makes people happy.
You could wonder what goes on in an actor’s head while they act.
Mary says she usually relates to the character and tries to imagine how the character would think in that situation. “I couldn't relate to him (the man, a priest) because it was a bit hard to get into the mind of a man... 1 don't know anything about being a man... or a priest."
But strangely, she claims that she could relate to a prostitute she once had to play. She jokingly says, "prostitution must be my hidden talent shining through."
Unfortunately, she denies that she has any other hidden talents. One
I suggested was her fabulous memorising capacity. "I don't memorise. I'm a bit of a bad actress and I don't learn my lines. After runs of practices at three times a week, for three months, I start to remember them." Does she ever get sick of all the practices? Has she thought about quitting? "Quitters are lame" she says with a shrug.
No. Definitely no quitting for Mary. Those four years of hard work have landed her a lead role in the local drama club's play, "Our
Town." Mary is to play Emily Webb, a young girl who falls in love, dies, then realises that people do not appreciate their lives.
The conclusion is reasonably well linked to the introduction (third criterion) criterion and effectively sums up the character.
The mix of gentle humour and seriousness (second
) is continued through to the end of the piece.
When her role as Emily Webb was announced, her family and friends were "very enthusiastic because this is the first lead role... the last role was a shitty role." But even with all this ecstasy, she claims that there is a slight problem, "The other lead role, the guy, is shorter. I have to bend down to kiss him."
Mary is currently trying to avoid her ‘problem’ by focusing on her other interests — spoon collecting. As bewildering as it may seem,
Mary finds it perfectly normal. "I collect spoons. I’ve got 52 spoons from all around the world." Well this is Mary Smith. She's not like any other typical girl who collects stamps or coins. She's a funloving girl with wonderful acting abilities with a bright future ahead of her…. .with or without spoons.

This work does just meet the standard at Excellence

Develop, support and integrate ideas convincingly in a piece of formal transactional writing.

Craft controlled writing to create effects that are appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type, and that commands attention .

Structure material clearly and effectively, in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose, and text type.

Use writing conventions accurately.
Why does this response just meet the standard at Excellence?

The ideas are generally developed and supported and the mix of positive and negative comments is just sufficiently ‘integrated’ for excellence

There is a strong personal voice and there are some effective passages that ‘command attention’.

The work is clearly structured and generally build towards the conclusion

The work is generally accurate.
Introduction ( third criterion, structure) identifies the writer’s perspective /attitude /tone to the film.
If I were to say to you ”There’s a modern movie out that is based on
William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet”, what would you think?
Now, I can guarantee that whatever you thought, you would be
Second criterion: the work is controlled and there is evidence of carefully selected sentence structures. Some awkwardness is apparent
(detract from solid
Excellence). right. And wrong. The director of this movie, Baz Luhrmann, has obviously got his camera men on some type of performanceenhancing drug. Or maybe that’s just great camera work. His actors, at times, also seem to be affected by something, but I seriously doubt that it’s made to enhance performance. More possibly to numb it. However Luhrmann’s intention for a younger audience to be able to understand Shakespeare works well. Very well, in fact.
The reality that this brilliant story is lost in symbolism, sound and colour is no problem, because without these cleverly used effects it would just be another Shakespearean film that only the ancient could understand.
The body of the essay is clearly structured (third criterion). A purposeful sense of direction is developed.
First body paragraph outlines plot, succinct summary.
Second paragraph links to introduction: camera work is developed with
For those unaware, Romeo and Juliet is a play about two “star crossed lovers” who are married in secret because their families are great enemies. Romeo is involved in one of the fights that constantly break out between the families and kills Juliet’s cousin, so he is banished. When a plan is devised to allow the two to run away together all goes horribly wrong. Romeo mistakenly believes that Juliet is dead and so kills himself. When Juliet awakens moments later to find her love dead, she also commits suicide .
However, this great tragedy ends the fighting between the two families.
The ingenuity is noticed right away, as the introduction to the movie

generalised comments.
The idea (first criterion) of the “camera” as the focal point of the review continues to be developed with sufficient details to meet Excellence.
Third paragraph links camera and characters.
The effect of one scene is convincingly developed.
Fourth paragraph links filmic aspects to the
“younger audience” idea established in introduction
(first criterion,
‘integrates ideas’).
Paragraphs are well linked with appropriate transitions.
The writing continues to be well controlled and fluent (second criterion, crafting ). The style and tone are appropriate for this text type (review) and both are consistent throughout the piece.
Effective vocabulary choices. Although there are some lapses in expression and structures, some awkwardness of expression and some clichéd writing they do not detract from
‘command attention’
(required for Excellence).
The conclusion is clearly linked to the introduction and the body of the essay.
Effective use of quotation. sets the scene for the rest of the film and gives you a condensed, lively and riotous preview of what’s to come. This is done through clever camera work of slowly zooming in to the scene to make you feel as if you are being sucked into the movie. Once you have been drawn in, the fast paced sweeping shots, extreme close-ups and rapid cutting from one image to the other, as well as intense and dramatic music, create a confusion that is linked to the whirl-wind love and death story about to take place. If you watch the first two minutes and you find you don’t like it, don’t bother with the rest.
All throughout the film the characters’ emotions are depicted through the restlessness and innovation of the camera, which helps to give a clearer understanding to the film and all its ‘doths’ and
‘thous’.
However, it is necessary for the camera to give added comprehension to the film because often the acting languishes. At times Leonardo Di Caprio (Romeo) and Claire Danes (Juliet) show a brilliance that ignites the screen. There is one scene where the lovers first glimpse each other through the crystalline glass of an aquarium, which is portrayed so delicately it would enchant the most hardened viewer. Sadly no other scene tugs on the same heart string. Too often the acting is lack-lustre, stiff and at times over-thetop. Someone should tell Di Caprio that scaling a trellis and then jumping (or falling) down more than three times during the exquisite balcony scene, is not particularly effective in maintaining a tender moment. Claire Danes played a sweet-but-strong Juliet, but often lacked expression, while Di Caprio repeatedly changed from a
Romeo to a talking piece of cardboard and back again. Some characters – such as Benvolio (Jesse Bradford) were so ineffective I am curious to know why they would pay someone to be a wallflower.
But this was made up for by the definite and apt use of symbolism throughout the movie. Although the more subtle and romantic fragments of the love story are easily lost in the modern style, the riotous colour, glaring lights and outrageous costumes provide the link Baz Luhrmann was after to the younger and modern audience.
There is a great significance of reds and blues; red for the feisty
Capulets and blue for the composed Montagues. As well as this, the flamboyant costuming at the Capulet’s fancy-dress party was not only brash, but also symbolic to the characters; Romeo is wearing a knight’s armour, Juliet is dressed as an angel. Need I say more? And those who are less observant would at least notice the ‘T’ shaped like a crucifix in the sentence, “Take their life”, suspended on screen. These skilfully linked symbols help the younger audience to easily determine the personalities of the characters and also emphasise or distinguish important points in the story, creating a comprehensive, if not rather unconventional Romeo and Juliet.
Therefore, “what is in a name?” In this unique adaptation of Romeo and Juliet , Baz Luhrmann has certainly conquered the belief that
Shakespeare’s plays are boring and difficult to understand. By using

an innovative, modern style to direct Shakespeare to the young and fashionable generation, his accomplished version of Romeo and
Juliet has put a new spin on Shakespeare and has proven “that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”