THE WINDY NEWS
E XTRA! E XTRA!
CHANGE OF DATES BY POPULAR
DEMAND
Despite what the Ulster Junior calendar tells
you, Windsor will be hosting the Ulster
Hardcourt Championships from Friday
August 25th to Sunday 3rd September with a
couple of days off in between to allow you
back to school for a quick rest from the fun.
We were inundated by requests from those
who were off to Fitz to change the dates to
allow them back and also inundated by
requests from others who were distressed
that their dates might not be there. “Ross
Campbell - we can’t do without him!”
wailed many an Under-12 girl, and sadly
also an Under-18 secretary. He really is the
girlies favourite. Must be those rippling
muscles he displays in those sleeveless shirts
(Alex Fowler is following his lead we note).
The cool Campbellian, when asked for
comment on his popularity, told us
exclusively, “There may be a queue, but
only I can tell you who will be at the top of
my list”. ‘Hello’ have also asked for an
exclusive but for the right fee I will reveal
all to the Windy News during the
tournament.” Be assured we have bought
two thousand freezer pops so the scoop will
be ours.
Referee in Court
The ever ready referee Chris Sanlon may
have to miss a few days of the tournament as
he may have his day in court. Now there are
many reasons you will think why this may
be the case - unreasonable scheduling of
players, wearing Fischer clothes, causing a
scarcity of apples on the north coast etc etc.
But if you want to know the real reason you
will have to wait for the opening day
edition……. Meantime we asked the Ginger
Prince to comment on his refereeing ability
for this year’s tournament. “My profile in
Ulster tennis is at an all time high” he
replied modestly, “There is only one other
who has made a better success of making
Fischers out of so many men, so I feel you
are indeed blessed to have me and my
computer in your office”.
Office Lovelies
Once again the lovely Maeve and Camille
have offered their service as tournament
secretaries, answering your calls day and
night. Asked for their view on this year’s
tournament they told us, “It will easily be
the best so far this year and if Sanlon
doesn’t get his head - or his wallet - stuck in
the office door and we can get Stuart away
from the hair straighteners and the mirror we
reckon it will be great banter”.
SMAC is Back!
Also by popular demand Stuarty Mac will
be in attendance at Windsor. Entertainment
and general buzz are his forte and of course
who else will host the last major tennis event
of the summer on finals day but the man
himself. We mean of course the One Point
tournament - your last chance to get your
hands on a piece of silverware this season.
Stuart missed out on the Boat Club Fun
because of filming at the Pink Palace – he
was the only man for the job apparently. For
those of you who may miss out on Stuart’s
Sky Travel debut we are confident that
Match of the Day this year will be preceded
and followed by a showing of it. “People
only come to Windsor to see me – well
maybe to play a bit of tennis as well - so I
don’t want to let them down. I have after all
been voted the most glamorous man in the
office consistently at Windsor”. True Stuart
but your competition means that is not a
hard task – indeed Windy News has heard
from a very good source that after fighting
off Ben Neal’s challenge for years, Stuart
threw the towel in on the Ulster Junior Open
when he heard Boat Club had brought in the
Spaniard this year. A natural tan and no
need for highlights were too much - never
mind the Barcelona twang floating over the
airways.
In preparation for his Windsor role Stuart
has been getting fit and eating healthily. Our
secretaries, who are keeping an eye on his
preparation, tell us that he too has adopted a
biblical theme this year and his diet consists
heavily of milk and various types of honey.
So be there all week to be entertained by
SMAC and also get practising for Finals
Day for the most important event in the
Ulster Junior calendar and get your name on
Stuarty’s cup which is being polished as we
speak (Mrs Madill?).
Tour Talk
The two-week trip earlier in July has left us
with some very juicy news for the Windy
newsletters – you will have to enter Windsor
to find out the finer details but suffice to say
that Misses Madill and Murphy feature
heavily in our spy’s reports, and as for Miss
Morris well …..Paddy Bell is heartbroken
that none of this scandal involved him and is
fervently changing hairstyles at each
tournament to attract these girls’ attention.
He is confident that his back-to-school look
will do it for him at Windsor and he will end
the summer drought with an autumnal
storm.
Kyle’s Casebook
Amongst others this year Windsor will be
the last resting place for the Junior
Tournament Career of Kyle Mathews. The
Portadown Hockey Boy is off to Edinburgh
to study medicine and use his country
charms on the unsuspecting lasses. “It
means a lot to me to finish at Windsor”,
Kyle told us “it has been the scene of many
of my successes – and I have played ok
there in the past too.”
Aggreeved by Injury
Megan McGreevy has been missing at the
summer tournaments as an ankle injury at
Ballycastle has forced her to rest. Rumour
has it though that she will be back in time
for Windsor and will be a force to be
reckoned with. Miss Tazzioli and Miss
O’Donnell were seen heading straight for
the weights room on hearing the news.
Slowey Speeds Back
Fermanagh favourite John Slowey tells us he
will be back to Windsor to show these city
boys how to win awards. Mr. Slowey
walked off with the Player of the
Tournament award last year after an
amazing display of good tennis and good
manners. “ They’re a pack of wimps up here
moaning and complaining they need to
toughen up and get on with it – these city
girls need a real man to show them what
they are missing so I will be back to play on
all fronts. He will be joined by the Tyrone
Tyrant David Ward who agrees that the
Belfast boys are in for a pasting by the
country boys at what he describes as his
“favourite tournament of the year”. Thankyou David and others take note - flattery will
definitely get you a good draw!
Full House
Ulster No 1 Conor O’Kane will be making a
bid to complete a full run of titles at the
Ulster Hardcourts. Having won the Under
10, Under 12, Under 14, and last year the
Under 16 title at Windsor, Conor is hoping
to take the Under 18 and make it a full set.
Neil Stewart is hoping to halt the run but
Mr. O’Kane commented, “a Campbellian
didn’t stop me in March and one isn’t going
to stop me now and as for those Inst boys well where are they? Conor’s secret of
success? Raspberry and cream cakes
followed by chocolate chip cookies.
Fashion Police
They are busy making their list but early
comments include – Sanlon red and ginger?
No no no! What is it with knee straps this
year? They are for wusses - Patrick Marks
dressing the same as Paddy Bell will ruin
your reputation 4ever – Charlie and Kyle it’s
your last chance for redemption, call the
Windsor help line now. Kirby O’Donnell,
we expect great things from you so don’t let
us down.
This is as usual the last big event of the
summer so fill in your forms today as it’s
the last chance for you all to impress your
coaches and most importantly each other!
Get your entry in by Tuesday 22nd August
and do not miss the last and best of the
Summer fun.
See you there!