MY THOUGHTS ABOUT TRANSITION OF FOSTER CHILDREN
WHAT ARE YOURS?
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Unless the child is in immediate danger, moving a child without preparing
them ahead of time is NOT a good thing. By ahead of time, I mean well before
the car is pulling up in the driveway. Losing a familiar family and home
without preparation is truly traumatic.
Never ever never move a child by putting their things in garbage bags. Kids
are literal, and "Your belongings are garbage to me" is hardly a nice message
to send to a distressed child.
(above borrowed from University of Washington child development)
Dear Fellow Foster Parents,
I am in the process of helping my Tween Foster Daughter succeed in transition from
Foster Care to Adoption. It was just over a year ago that I started to help her transition from the
only “life as she knew it” to the life we live in our home. I let her pick out food that she was
used to eating and I let her sleep where she wanted. She chose to sleep on the couch and it
took two months before she was comfortable to sleep in her own room on her own bed. She
stayed in the same room and near me and watched every move I made. She often would give
me advise on how “I should” do even menial housekeeping and cooking. I tried to do things the
way she was used to doing them as long as it would not interfere with my own lifestyle and
values. Value is such a big word. I wanted her to know that I valued the individual that she is!
An older Foster Child often resents being yanked out of their “life as they knew it.” They
start new schools and lose contact with their friends and family. They can feel let down by the
very family that was supposed to take care of them. The Foster Child has a right to feel anger.
Anger at whatever caused them to be put in Foster Care: Anger to have to live with people they
do not know: Anger (disappointment) in their Bio Family that did not keep them safe and with
them. This anger causes great pain! The child knows the Foster Home is temporary, so she feels
anger not to have security for her future.
The Foster Care system moves as quickly as they can to first of all, help the Bio family to
succeed in healing whatever the situation was that made their environment unsafe. The State
provides counseling if the bio family will cooperate and want to correct behavior. The second
thing the State does is try to find bio family that can take the child. The State tries to keep the
parents and bio family in contact with the child so the bonding with the family will develop in a
healthy manner. If all fails the child will be made available for adoption, first by bio family, then
people who know the child, and last choice, adoption by strangers. It is important to remember
that often a bio family member that is willing to adopt, is also a stranger to the child and her
lifestyle. Bonding is huge in learning trust and attachment. If this is not done effectively the
child may end up with trust and attachment disorders.
Back to my Foster daughter. I will do everything in my power to make sure she is
transitioned to her adoptive family without her feeling like her life is starting all over once
again. I hope to help her realize that her past life, her present life and her future life is just
another chapter in the process of her life book to be proud of. I want her to feel proud of who
she is, not ashamed. She needs to know that she can trust and is valued in order to value and
trust in herself. Her belongings will not be put in a garbage bag as if her stuff is garbage. Her
stuff will be packed with reverence. Her life will be valued as a treasure to share with her new
family. She will know before the car leaves my driveway that my heart is broken that she is
leaving, that I will always be there for her in her life and that I am so proud of her as an
individual that this world treasures.
I WOULD LOVE TO BLOG ON LINCOLNCOUNTYFOSTERPARENTASSOCIATION.COM ABOUT HOW
WE AS FOSTERPARENTS CAN HELP OUR KIDS TRANSITION IN A HEALTHY PRODUCTIVE WAY.