Chasing after Shadows
He was once your ‘dream come true.’ Now he is your worst nightmare! He calls you 24/7
and turns up at your place uninvited. He constantly hurls verbal abuse at you. At times he
uses your body like a punch bag. Then he cries and begs for your forgiveness, promising that
he has changed. When will he understand that, the relationship is OVER, FINISHED between
you!
Why Can’t He Accept IT?
He refuses to accept that you are no longer together. So, he resorts to plan B and puts the
pressure on. Just maybe, you will give in and take him back.
Joe and Sally were married for four years. After their marriage ended, he couldn’t come to
terms with it. He bombarded Sally with phone calls, begged her to take him back and even
threatened suicide.
Instead of felling empathy towards Joe, his actions frustrated her. She said, “It was
emotionally draining and really stressful. I couldn’t sleep at nights. I was too scared to close
my eyes in case he broke in.”
Every day, a love letter would land on her mat. As if that wasn’t enough, he would park his
car outside her house at nights. He sat in it with the engine running, playing their favourite
songs.
Breaking up with your partner can be as stressful as when a loved one dies. “Separation can
cause fear, depression, a sense of failure, grief, longing for something irrevocably lost,
misery and loneliness,” explains John Abulajia, a Relate Councillor. “All men suffer after a
breakup. The majority can accept it and get on with life, but some find it an impossible task
to let their partners go.”
Mary and Ben were together for three years. After
their relationship ended, he told her that he was not
going to leave her house. It took two of her male
friends to force him out.
He tried all he could to get through to her. When
everything failed, he convinced Mary’s friends to act as go-between. He boldly used them to
pass his messages on to her. He even tried to tug at her heart strings. The tears flowed
during his telephone calls to her and he sobbed like a baby. Ben was prepared to try
anything to win the love of his life back.
“Ben bribed me with money trying to get me back. He was like a man possessed. He
followed me around, sent me love letters and just wouldn’t give up. I’m not a violent person
but one day my frustration turned into anger. I lost it and hit him. I just wanted him to leave
me alone. It was a waste of time though. It didn’t make any difference. He carried on
stressing me out,” Mary explained.
He patiently waited for Mary to go to sleep one night. He then broke into her shed and slept
there. The next morning, he casually knocked on her bedroom window. He cheekily asked
her if he could come in for a cup of tea.
He had no fear about dying for his love. He threatened to kill himself. One afternoon, he
bravely walked out in front of an oncoming car. The bewildered driver had to brake hard to
avoid hitting him.
Although the relationship ended over two years ago, he is still single. He is still frantically
trying to reconcile with Mary.
Stages of Mourning
Exploring deeper into the denial of accepting the loss of a partner, let’s take a look at what
John Bowlby disclosed in his book ‘Loss.’ He explained that to recover from a loss, there are
four stages of mourning that a person must pass through.

1st stage:
When one is numb and unable to suffer the loss. Numbness and
denial are usually interrupted by outbursts of anger and distress.

2nd stage:
Yearning and searching for the lost person. In this phase the mourner
feels restless, unable to concentrate; insomnia is common. Again, there are frequent
outbursts of anger and distress.

3rd stage:
A phase of disorganisation and despair. Slowly this begins to change
to resignation and acceptance that the loss is final.

4th stage:
Relinquishing the person, adapting to life without that person.
Kevin was stuck in the first stage of mourning. He was in denial and his anger turned into a
campaign of terror towards his ex-girlfriend Helen. He started by hounding her with
telephone calls, followed by unexpected visits to her home and at her workplace.
She moved from the area where they once lived. One night he surprised her. “He smashed
all of the windows downstairs with an axe. He managed to crawl in through the broken
glass. I was upstairs in my bedroom at the time. He came in, dragged me by my hair and
bounced me down the stairs. He then pulled me outside into the garden. He proceeded to
kick me around like a football. After he finished, I laid there curled up on the ground in
agony.”
The police had to move her to a secret address for her safety. They even escorted her to and
from work for a while. She was advised to use a cab when she was travelling alone.
Eventually, he found out where she lived. He carried on stalking her for nearly six years
afterwards. Whenever he had the opportunity, he would beat her up. The police put out a
warrant for his arrest. Somehow, he always managed to avoid them.
What about His Side of the Story?
So, we’ve seen the psychological effects of losing a partner. We know what the mourning
process is. Nevertheless, is that the full picture of why he won’t let go?
I think we should try to understand the reason why these men found it difficult to come to
terms with the end of their relationship.

Joe’s story: He was attracted to Sally because of her looks, although he didn’t fall in
love with her until later on into the relationship. After they got married, he thought
it would last forever. He believed that he was to blame for the marriage breaking
down due to his selfish, aggressive behaviour.
“I was a workaholic, blind to her needs and insensitive. Towards the end of our
marriage we argued a lot. I lashed out and hit her a few times. I suppose it was
because of my heavy drinking. I also demanded sex 24 hours a day, whether she
wanted it or not. I didn’t take her out much but went out with my mates instead.
There were a lot of things that I did wrong. I don’t think I lived up to her standards
either.”
After the marriage ended he noticed a big transformation in Sally. She had changed
from the moody, depressed person he was married to, into the person that she used
to be when they first met. Seeing her ‘come back’ reawakened old feelings in Joe.
“I still love Sally. There is no one else for me. No other woman appeals to me. I miss
everything about her. I melt every time I see her. I can’t help feeling the same old
way again.”

Ben’s story: He met Mary through one of her brothers. He was fascinated by her
beauty and calm personality. It was love at first sight for him. Regrettably, his
possessiveness was the reason why the relationship ended.
“I couldn’t bear to let her go. My family and I don’t get one and without Mary, I
didn’t have a life.”
Although she had an injunction served on Ben, it didn’t stop him from wanting her.
He had to see her and be with her. “I was prepared to go through any form of
punishment, just to be near her. She is still a big part of my life even though the
relationship has ended. I will always be there for her.”

Kevin’s story: He met Helen at a nightclub. The relationship became serious after
just six months. Then his jealous and violent nature emerged. He knew that he
treated Helen dreadfully but didn’t want to lose her.
“I loved her and was sorry for hurting her. I sent her flowers, presents and chocolates as
a way of apologising. Nothing worked and she wouldn’t take me back.”
His feelings turned bitter, and hateful. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing the mother
of his children, his first love and the woman he invested ten years in. He set out to get
her back in a revengeful way. He admitted that he terrorised her unnecessarily. He
believed he had a claim on her because she was ‘his woman’. He is still resentful about
the break up and is unable to get over her.
Where do we go from Here?
John Bowlby stated that, “to recover from the loss, it is necessary to go through the four
stages of mourning.” Joe, Ben and Kevin clearly did not go through all four stages. That is
why they found it difficult to accept the finality of the loss of their partner.
When a relationship finishes, you also lose your sexual partner, limited or sometimes no
access to your children, having to leave the family home and so lose the creature comforts
associated with it.
So he continues to love you and hound you until he comes to term with the break up. After
that, he may finally decide to let you go. Most of us are then left with either emotional or
physical scars, or both.
But isn’t there another side to the story – ‘when she won’t let go?’
I would love to get some feedback from you. Has anyone chased after your shadows?