January Book Review
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
When my kids were younger, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, was
an answer to a prayer. I was too tired, and too wired to sit down and thoughtfully digest a detailed
parenting tome. Even magazine articles seemed too complicated for my exhausted, addled brain. I
needed answers in a format that I could use and remember when dealing with a four year old melting
down in the grocery store or a sassy six year old talking back at bedtime. Enter Faber and Mazlish, with
sage, simple advice dispensed in….cartoon format! Perfect! I literally ripped this book into pieces,
taping cartoons in the pantry, on the mirror in the bathroom and other locations to remind myself about
better ways to parent.
Perhaps because teen problems are more complex and the stakes for bad behavior are so much
higher, parents like me forget that sometimes simple parenting tactics still have value. How to Talk So
Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens will Talk follows the same format as the original book. Faber and
Mazlish detail their sessions with a parent education group (my dream by the way) and punctuate their
lessons with cartoons that visualize what works and doesn’t work with teens.
Parenting skills addressed in this book include engaging the cooperation of your teen, problemsolving strategies, and alternatives to punishment. Faber and Mazlish remind us that our teens need us
to listen to them more than they need lectures or advice. I, for one, definitely need work in this area.
The authors ask us to “shift our thinking from ‘how do I fix things?’ to ‘how do I enable my kids to fix
things for themselves?’” (Faber p. 11)
I found the section on teen feelings particularly interesting. I am guilty of often dismissing my
teen’s feelings and encouraging her to “buck up” and “put on a happy face.” I am also often accused of
“not listening.” Faber and Mazlish offer these suggestions for dealing with teen feelings:
*Instead of dismissing feelings, identify them. Help the teen put her thoughts and feelings into
words.
*Instead of ignoring feelings, acknowledge them with a word or a sound. A minimal sound to show you
care and that you are really listening is a lot more helpful than upping your child’s stress level and your
own with your own emotional blow up. This allows the student to figure out, on her own, how to solve
her problem.
*Instead of logic and explanations, give in fantasy what you can’t in reality. For example, when your
child complains of way too much homework, respond with, “wouldn’t it be great if we could throw it all
out the window and never have homework again?” rather than a logical explanation of the benefits of
homework.
*Instead of taking the path of least resistance, against your own better judgment, show empathy while
enforcing your limits.
For some, this advice might seem overly simple and at times the book does seem a bit too easy.
However, I cannot tell you the difference I can make in my household dynamic by remembering to
simply feel badly for my children when they are hurting, instead of launching into “I told you so” or
“mom is going to fix it” mode. Both turn my children off in equal measure.
If you find yourself in need of a parenting pick me up, and need to stash a book in your bag to
read in the soccer parking lot, on the bus ride to work or between innings at the baseball game, this
book is the right one for you. And if you want, you can borrow my scissors and decorate your pantry like
I have.