12-Step Buddhist
Darren’s Story
Childhood of Pain: Inherited or Otherwise
Parents litany of ailments –
Mom (cancer, arthritis, bipolar, borderline)
Dad ( Abandoned by parents, forced child
labor)
Darren developed OCD in childhood – would save and collect “things” primary
and secondary identifications
Help to retain and ground fledging self – both necessary and later a hindrance
to freedom
Does push away becoming familiar with ourselves inside
Years later Darren would be introduced to the Buddhist notion of “No-Self”
Tracking the Divine
Early meditation practice – there was a call from beyond and sprinklings of
(Krishnamurti / Zen )
Moved to “Cali” had to fit in
Began drinking – and then it became guzzling
First Drug Use: An Unconscious Pursuit for Enlightenment?
Began to smoke weed, dropping acid, being “stoned” became a mystical
happening
Darren thought he was transcending the “consciousness of his intolerable
situation”
Stood with sixty thousand people behind me at Led Zeppelin's Day on the
Green (it was more than a pilgrimage to rock ‘n’ roll Mecca… It was a spiritual
experience”)
However, Darren never found any real peace – and yet because of
hallucinogens - I had the knowledge that things aren’t what they appear to be
Violent Interventions: Darkness Descends
Drug use escalates “PCP use”
Brother’s crude intervention both physically and psychologically – backfires
Trauma of the beating(s) scarred Darren for years
Parents charged for food stamp fraud
Moves with brother – introduces him to blow – and the rides continues
Sobriety v. 1.0 – Ten Years of AA
Dove hard into AA and spirituality
Married, child, work (real world) began college
Relationship fallout again – psych program did not fill the inner seeker’s
quest for…
Completed three years of cognitive behavioral therapy
Instead of pursuing spiritually further “got new psychiatrically challenged
girlfriend” took some acid and dived into Zen
Zen and the Art of Relapse
First teacher – too simple
Second teacher – took it seriously / partner relapsed (led to avenue with
Third teacher “Joko Beck” real teacher; JB: “pay attention”; DL: “To what”?
JB: “Oh, I don’t know, your eyebrow”
Added a therapist to deal with emotional content arising from Zazen
Relapse: Seduced By the Mind
Thought I needed LSD to experience enlightenment – thought I could unravel
the experiences of the universe through spirituality, therapy, graduate studies
in psychology – still somewhat depressed
And the drugs had not changed this pursuit either – Darren’s experience was
that his pursuit of Zen or Buddhism was breaking the through the addiction
Had his seeking become an addiction?
Full blown relapse (ecstasy) – designer drugs / life completely falls apart / dope
/ job loss / drunk driving
Sobriety V. 2.0
Joined manic depressive support group and during this time I stumbled upon a
“Young People’s” 12-step meeting I have been sober ever since (1997)
Diagnose with mental illness (bipolar, post-traumatic stress disorder,
poly-substance abuse, impulse control, post-hallucinogenic perceptual
disorder – plus a brain disease – called addiction
While my 12-Step program is a vital part of my recovery and integral to my
spiritual path, it alone is not enough.
Have let go of meds one at a time
This book is about how Darren learned to how work recovery (addiction and
mental illness) through integrating the 12-steps, Zen, medicine, and
developing a sense of community.
12-Steps What Works What Doesn’t
Some of us are sicker than others
12 steps speak to a language
Literature is written for about addicts
Alienates people who do not believe
in a Christian God
12-Steps What Works What Doesn’t
Outliers are cast aside, neglected, and overlooked; any one who doesn't toe
the 12-step party line is typically shunned
low talkers high talkers
non-equal power
The real reasons for relapse with long-term sobriety are not discussed in
meetings
“people relapse because they stop going to meetings”
no single cause for any phenomenon [dependent origination]
Why People Relapse
Undiagnosed and untreated mental illness
Can't identify the others in the program
Misunderstand the progression of the disease
Limited career and educational development during recovery
Confusion about long-term recovery [poor modeling]
Childhood issues not dealt with in therapy or during early sobriety
Failure to learn stress management
Inadequate support to manage relapse symptoms in 12-step groups
We Wish We Were Normal!
“it's a lifetime illness”
Identifying oneself as an addict is
a “tool” not a “total identity”