Darren’s Story
Sitting like a pond with no ripples in the middle of the forest – Littlejohn
Childhood of Pain:
Inherited or Otherwise
• Parents litany of ailments –
Mom (cancer, arthritis, bipolar, borderline)
Dad ( Abandoned by parents, forced child
labor)
• Darren developed OCD in childhood – would save and collect “things” primary
and secondary identifications
• Help to retain and ground fledging self – both necessary and later a hindrance
to freedom
• Does push away becoming familiar with ourselves inside
• Years later Darren would be introduced to the Buddhist notion of “No-Self”
Tracking the Divine
 Early meditation practice –
there was a call from beyond
and sprinklings of (Krishnamurti
/ Zen )
 Moved to “Cali” had to fit in
 Began drinking – and then it
became guzzling
First Drug Use: An Unconscious Pursuit
for Enlightenment?
 Began to smoke weed, dropping acid, being “stoned” became a mystical
happening
 Darren thought he was transcending the “consciousness of his intolerable
situation”
 Stood with sixty thousand people behind me at Led Zeppelin's Day on the
Green (it was more than a pilgrimage to rock ‘n’ roll Mecca… It was a spiritual
experience”)
 However, Darren never found any real peace – and yet because of
hallucinogens - I had the knowledge that things aren’t what they appear to be
Violent Interventions: Darkness
Descends
• Drug use escalates “PCP use”
• Brother’s crude intervention both physically and
psychologically – backfires
• Trauma of the beating(s) scarred Darren for years
• Parents charged for food stamp fraud
• Moves with brother – introduces him to blow – and the rides
continues
Sobriety v. 1.0 –Ten Years of AA
 Dove hard into AA and spirituality
 Married, child, work (real world) began college
 Relationship fallout again – psych program did not fill
the inner seeker quest for…
 Completed three years of cognitive behavioral therapy
 Instead of pursuing spiritually further “got new
psychiatrically challenged girlfriend” took some acid and
dived into Zen
Zen and the Art of Relapse
o First teacher – too simple
o Second teacher – took it seriously / partner
relapsed (led to avenue with
o Third teacher “Joko Beck” real teacher; JB: “pay
attention”; DL: “To what”? JB: “Oh, I don’t know,
your eyebrow”
o Added a therapist to deal with emotional content
arising from Zazen
Relapse: Seduced By the Mind

Thought I needed LSD to experience enlightenment – thought I
could unravel the experiences of the universe through
spirituality, therapy, graduate studies in psychology – still
somewhat depressed

And the drugs hadn’t changed this pursuit either – Darren
experience was that his pursuit of Zen or Buddhism was breaking
the through the addiction

Had his seeking become an addiction?

Full blown relapse (ecstasy) – designer drugs / life completely
falls apart / dope / job loss / drunk driving
Sobriety V. 2.0
 Joined manic depressive support group and during this time I stumbled upon
a “Young People’s” 12-step meeting I have been sober ever since (1997)
 Diagnose with mental illness (bipolar, post-traumatic stress disorder, polysubstance abuse, impulse control, post-hallucinogenic perceptual disorder –
plus a brain disease – called addiction
 While my 12-Step program is a vital part of my recovery and integral to my
spiritual path, it alone is not enough.
 Have let go of meds one at a time
 This book is about how Darren learned to how work recovery (addiction and
mental illness) through integrating the 12-steps, Zen, medicine, and
developing a sense of community.