Fish Lady
by
Stephen Hersh
9/27/14
The Cast
Dr. Leon Scrapinski. Early 40’s. Confident and brilliant,
with a propensity toward sudden, unpredictable mood swings.
Fish Lady. Early 40’s. A mermaid-like creature who speaks
in a high-pitched squeaky voice with a thick Long Island
accent that belies the presence of her otherwise obvious
intelligence.
The Setting
In and beside a million-gallon fish tank.
The Art
“Butterfly Trainer”
“Mermaid”
Note: The play is dependent on both of these pieces hanging
side by side. The medium of “Mermaid” is felted cloth,
which is relevant to the material that follows.
2
OPEN ON FISH LADY FLOATING AT THE TOP OF HER TANK. SHE
ISN’T HAPPY.
FISH LADY
Hello!! Is anyone here? HELLO!
DR. SCRAPINSKI ENTERS. HE WEARS NEAT CASUAL CLOTHING, AN
ODD HAT, A SCARF AROUND HIS NECK, AND HAS A FLY SWATTER
HOOKED TO HIS BELT.
SCRAPINSKI
Oh, hello. You’re awake. How are you feeling?
I feel like crap.
FISH LADY
Who are you?
SCRAPINSKI
I’m Dr. Scrapinski. But please call me Leon.
HE PROFFERS HIS HAND, WHICH SHE IGNORES.
FISH LADY
What am I doin’ in this fish tank? What the hell’s going
on?
SCRAPINSKI
You’re my latest creation. I’m your maker.
FISH LADY
What’s that supposed to mean?
SCRAPINSKI
I’m a genetic engineer and you’re a genetically modified
organism.
FISH LADY
I’m a freaking mermaid, by the looks of it.
SCRAPINSKI
No. Mermaids are mythical creatures that don’t exist.
You’re a grotesque genetic recombination of my ex-wife and
a trout. And I use “grotesque” strictly in the “abomination
of nature” sense of the word.
FISH LADY
I’m a mutant?
3
SCRAPINSKI
Yes.
FISH LADY
50% woman, 50% fish?
SCRAPINSKI
Those aren’t the exact percentages. You’re more like 49,
49 and two.
FISH LADY
What’s the two?
SCRAPINSKI
Square yards of felt. Ellen, my ex, had a felted jacket
that she made herself. An exquisite piece. She was very
proud of it. (WITH A HINT OF PSYCHOPATHIC DELIGHT) And then
when she walked out on me, or stormed out on me, I went to
her closet and shredded the jacket into itsy-bitsy pieces.
(PLEASANT AGAIN) And you’re the beneficiary.
PERFECTLY MIMICKING THE ART, FISH LADY PUTS HER HAND
AGAINST HER HEAD.
Oh, God!
FISH LADY
I have such a headache.
SCRAPINSKI
Well, given that you’ve been engineered with Ellen’s DNA, a
headache could indicate a defensive response to a potential
mating encounter.
FISH LADY
(NOT INTENTIONALLY SNIDE, BUT TAKEN AS SUCH BY SCRAPINSKI)
I don’t see any potential matin’ encounters here. Why’d you
make me like this?
SCRAPINSKI
My therapist thought it would be a healthy way to channel
the anger issues I still harbor from my divorce.
FISH LADY
I was your therapist’s idea?
SCRAPINSKI
4
I mentioned to him in one of our more productive sessions
that Ellen’s favorite sexual position was: “Laying like a
lox.” (HE CHUCKLES.)
FISH LADY
You think this is funny? This is a disaster. I’m a freak.
SCRAPINSKI
This is nothing compared to the disaster that was my prior
experiment in which I combined the DNA of a butterfly and a
kitten.
FISH LADY
Why would you ever do that?
SCRAPINSKI
(ANGRILY) Because I like butterflies and kittens! (CALM
AGAIN) I named her Butten. Butten would flit from flower to
flower, which would immediately collapse under her weight.
She would then lie there gasping to catch her breath.
FISH LADY
She was breathless from flittin’?
SCRAPINSKI
She couldn’t flit for shit. But her life cycle was
fascinating. She metamorphosed from caterpillar directly
into cat after forming a chrysalis which she spun out of a
ball of yarn. So cute. Sadly, I had to put her down. There
was an unfortunate incident with a neighborhood adolescent
who tried to rub the scales off of Butten’s wings and had
his eyes scratched out.
FISH LADY
That’s terrible.
SCRAPINSKI
I also engineered a weeping willow that could actually
weep. That was right after my divorce. The only problem was
that it wept all the time. Huge salty teardrops falling day
and night. Eventually the land under the tree became so
salinized, it could no longer sustain the tree’s life.
FISH LADY
So the tree cried itself to death.
5
SCRAPINSKI
To put it dramatically, yes.
FISH LADY
And I thought I was a freak.
SCRAPINSKI
The tree wasn’t a freak; it was a beautiful creature.
FISH LADY
I’m not talking about the tree; I’m talking about you.
Engineering horror and misery. You’re the freak.
SCRAPINSKI
Listen, Fish Lady, I used to work for a huge biotech
corporation. Do you realize you’re speaking to the inventor
of Sorn?
FISH LADY
Sorn?
SCRAPINSKI
Sorn. The genetic fusion of soy and corn. The most
profitable food ever marketed to impoverished countries.
“Abject hunger got you forlorn? Try a peck of yummy Sorn.”
The company still sends me a big genetically modified fruit
basket every Christmas. But despite my successes, I left
them to do good and meaningful work.
FISH LADY
(WITH DERISIVE SKEPTICISM) What good and meaningful work do
you do?
SCRAPINSKI
I made you, didn’t I?
FISH LADY
I get how meaningful I am to ya. But how am I good? I can’t
walk on land. I can’t breath underwater. I spawn
uncontrollably –
SCRAPINSKI
What do you mean?
FISH LADY
6
Before you got here I spawned all over the place. (SHE
MAKES A CUTE, GROSS SPAWNING NOISE:) Pllalalalalallalla!
Like 6000 eggs.
SCRAPINSKI
(LOOKING IN THE TANK) Where are they?
FISH LADY
I ate ‘em. I was famished.
SCRAPINSKI
(SMILING) Ellen hated caviar.
FISH LADY
Well, I’m not Ellen.
SCRAPINSKI
No, but you are a selectively modified version of her.
FISH LADY
What do you mean “selectively?”
SCRAPINSKI
Ellen had certain qualities that I purged from her genome
before I made you.
FISH LADY
Like what?
SCRAPINSKI
Like she hated caviar. Purged it! She was flat chested.
Purged it. She was an incessant nail-biter. Do you feel the
need to bite your nails?
FISH LADY
No.
SCRAPINSKI
Purged it! Do you have any desire to rearrange the contents
of the dishwasher after I’ve loaded it?
FISH LADY
No.
SCRAPINSKI
7
Purged it. (PSYCHOPATHICALLY:) If we were out with a group
of friends and you were telling a story and I chimed in
with some amusing remarks and then on another occasion we
were out with a different group of friends and you were
telling the same story, would you, this time, insert my
previously-said amusing remarks into your story as if they
were your own?
FISH LADY
No.
SCRAPINSKI
(ANGRY)
Because I purged it!
FISH LADY
O-kay, well, It’s been really nice talking with you, but I
have to go.
SCRAPINSKI
Go? Where are you going?
FISH LADY
To live my life.
SCRAPINSKI
What?! No. No, no, no, no, no...
FISH LADY
You think I’m gonna live in this tank my whole life?
SCRAPINSKI
Why not? It’s comfortable. It’s clean. The temperature’s
regulated. There’s a full-sized model of a sunken pirate
ship at the bottom and a giant clam that opens and closes
with bubbles coming out. And you’ve got me to feed you
every day.
HE TAKES OUT A SHAKER OF FISH FOOD FROM HIS POCKET AND
SHAKES IT INTO HER TANK.
SCRAPINSKI
(TALKING TO HIMSELF) Not too much. Just the right amount.
FISH LADY
(CAUTIOUSLY) Thanks.
8
SCRAPINSKI
See! I could make you happy.
FISH LADY
Look, doc, you made me. But I’m gonna make myself happy, if
you don’t mind. And my headache’s almost gone. So if you
could just get me outta here, I’d appreciate it.
SCRAPINSKI
Where will you go?
FISH LADY
Well, thanks to you, because I shrink in warm water, we can
eliminate the Caribbean. (THEY BOTH SMILE AT THAT.) I don’t
know where I’m gonna go, but I’ll figure it out.
SCRAPINSKI
But what about us? (SUDDENLY ANGRY) Huh? What about us?
FISH LADY
Us?!
SCRAPINSKI
(CALMER) I can’t let you go. I’m sorry. You’re an
experiment and the experiment’s not over until all the
tests have been run and the data collected. I need you.
FISH LADY
For what? So you can autopsy me when I cry myself to death?
And as far as helping you with the ex-wife anger issues, I
think we collected enough data on that and it’s pretty
conclusive: I’m not very helpful. Or maybe you’ve got some
experiment in your head in which we “do it” in the tank. Is
that it? Cuz that’s not possible, doc. Unless all you’re
goin’ for here is second base. (HE FURTIVELY LOOKS AT HER
BREASTS) Oh, that IS what you’re thinkin’, isn’t it, Leon.
Because you’re like an adolescent boy in the body of a man.
Driven entirely by your id, without any conscience or moral
compass. You don’t give a crab’s ass about any livin’
creature but Leon Scrapinski! Hey, I know what your next
experiment should be, Leon: You should genetically reengineer YOUR FREAKIN’ SELF! I’m leavin’ ya, Leon. I’m
leaving ya and you can’t stop me!
SCRAPINSKI
9
You’re just like her. Always criticizing my work. Jealous
of my brilliance. Jealous of my success. I hate you. I want
you out of here. I never want to see you again. Messing up
my tank with your filthy eggs. You’re a freak just like
her. I don’t know why I ever married – made you...and I
hate your stupid voice.
FISH LADY
If you thought it was so stupid, why didn’t you purge it?
SCRAPINSKI
Really? You think my wife had that ridiculous voice?
Ellen’s voice was rich and resonant and very (FACIAL TIC
AND/OR SHUDDER FROM THE MEMORY) – commanding. And I did
purge it!
SCRAPINSKI IS INTERRUPTED BY THE BUZZ OF A FLY.
(SUDDENLY COMPLETELY DISTRACTED AND DELIGHTED) Oh, look!
See that fly. I made that fly! You’ve heard of bees
dancing, right? Well, I took the dancing gene of a bee and
inserted it into the cytoplasm of a fly. And now I have
flies that can dance. They can dance with each other. Or
they can dance with bees! Isn’t promoting inter-insect
dancing a good and meaningful thing? (GOING PSYCHOPATHIC
AGAIN, HE SLOWLY TAKES OUT HIS FLY SWATTER.) The problem is
they REFUSE to dance. They CAN dance, but they won’t dance.
HE TAKES AIM AT THE FLY ON THE WALL AND SWATS IT DEAD.
SCRAPINSKI
Little bastards.
FISH LADY, STARTLED BY THE SWAT OF THE FLY, GASPS, AND THEN
LOOKS DOWN INTO THE WATER AT HER TAIL.
FISH LADY
Oh crap. Not again.
10
End of Play
11