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Hypothetical interview between a TV reporter and an
REPORTER: Excuse me, Professor Darwin, WXYZ News here. Do you have a word for
our viewers?
PROFESSOR: Of course, we scientists love to enlighten the ignorant masses of
humanity. Are we on the air?
REPORTER: Yes. (Professor licks hand and slicks back hair.) I was wondering if you
could explain the nature of your work.
PROFESSOR: I am an expert in my field, which happens to be geology. You might say
I have covered a lot of ground in my study of the subject. You see I really dig rocks.
Let me show you this very interesting rock I found on my latest expedition.
(Holds up brick with holes in it) Cast your eyes upon this!
REPORTER: Why, Professor, it looks like an old brick to me.
PROFESSOR: Old brick! Man, don't you know the footprint of a three-toed (or
however many holes are in the brick) sloth when you see one? Why, this rock is
extremely valuable. It's over 93 million years old.
REPORTER: How do you know that that rock is 93 million years old?
PROFESSOR: Because a 93-million-year-old sloth put his foot in it!
REPORTER: Well, how do you know the sloth lived 93 million years ago?
PROFESSOR: Because he stuck his foot in a rock that's 93 million years old. Think,
man, think. Use your head!
REPORTER: Well, Professor, exactly how old is the earth?
PROFESSOR: Exactly 38 billion years old ... give or take a day or two.
REPORTER: But I read an article by you last year in which you said the earth was
only 24 billion years old. How could it be 14 billion years older than it was last year?
PROFESSOR: Well, it has been under a lot of pressure you know. It was a rough year
all around.
REPORTER: Now, Professor, you have talked about the date of rocks. Just how do
you date a rock?
PROFESSOR: Well, first let me tell you how not to date a rock. Rocks should not be
dated by their appearance alone. You should date only a rock you really like. I've
really never dated that many rocks before, but I did have a pet rock once. But my
son put it in a rock polisher and left it there for three weeks. It evolved right into
nothing. Sad, real sad. Only rock I ever really liked.
REPORTER: Professor Darwin, do you mind if I ask you a controversial question?
PROFESSOR: Not at all, son. We scientists pride ourselves on our open-mindedness
and toleration of people of differing opinions.
REPORTER: I was wondering if you would care to make a comment on the
spectacular discovery at the Paluxy River in Texas where human footprints and
dinosaur tracks were found together in the same layer of rock.
PROFESSOR: The only thing I have to say about such idiotic attempts by bigoted,
pea-brained fanatics to fool the scientific community is that they are all rascals and
REPORTER: So, you have examined the fossil footprints?
PROFESSOR: What? Examined? Well, no. But who needs to examine them? I have the
facts. This book right here says that no men lived when dinosaurs did. Those wildeyed fundamental ignoramuses wouldn't know a dinosaur footprint if they saw one
in a museum.
REPORTER: Who wrote that book?
PROFESSOR: Why, I did. Very scholarly if I say so myself.
REPORTER: What you're saying is that whether there are dinosaur tracks and
human tracks together or not, you don't believe it. Right?
PROFESSOR: Now, son, don't get hyper. Remember a scientist is after truth. I have
found it. Why let a lot of new facts confuse the issues? I've worked real hard on my
theories. If those tracks were dinosaur tracks I'd have to throw evolution out the
window. I'd be laughed out of town. Besides, all the scholars agree with me.
REPORTER: Well, Professor, who do you consider to be scholars?
PROFESSOR: Why, a scholar is anyone who agrees with me. I've never met a scholar
yet who did not agree with my theories.
REPORTER: Professor, what about the recent discovery in Arizona where a trolobite,
supposedly extinct for hundreds of millions of years was found in the fossil footprint
of a human sandal?
PROFESSOR: Elementary, my boy. That was no human footprint. That was simply a
print made by a giant trolobite never before discovered which had feet shaped like
human sandals. Yes sir, quite a discovery.
REPORTER: I guess I am a little slow. How did you come up with that solution?
PROFESSOR: It really is easy if you think long enough. First, take your facts and
figure out what they could mean. Then take your theory and fit the facts into it and
eliminate all the unreasonable solutions. Now, evolution says that no men lived
when trolobites did, so that footprint must belong to a giant of the species. Just
because we've never discovered one doesn't mean anything. After all, he must exist.
They have found his footprint, didn't they? Yes, the scientific method.
REPORTER: Professor, I've read that fossils can be formed only by rapid burial.
Could this fossil have been buried by the world-wide flood?
PROFESSOR: No, no, no. This fossil was undoubtedly buried on purpose! You see
trolobites not only looked like sandals, but they smelled like sandals, too.
REPORTER: You know, Professor, you have just about convinced me. Evolution must
really be a messed up theory. This is the craziest thing I ever heard. (Walks off)
PROFESSOR: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. (Scratches head and pulls out banana)
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