TOOLS FOR PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATION
LISTENING
Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don’t have
to do anything else. We don’t have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit
there and listen. If we can do that, we create moments in which real healing is available.
–Margaret Wheatley
The Chinese character for the word “listen”
consists of:
For Reflection:
 What does it look like to listen with your
ears, eyes, and heart?
 When was the last time you remember
fully being listened to?
INCREASING OUR
SE
L
1st
position
2nd
position
One hundred percent of our conscious attention is taken up by the
combination of these 3 positions:


3rd
position
FAW
ARENESS – Perceptual
Positions

1st position – focused on own needs, reactions, feelings and
emotions.
2nd position – focused on another person, listening fully to both
verbal and non-verbal forms of communication, able to perceive
information that is not in verbal form.
3rd position – focused on the larger group or system, the “view
from the balcony, aware of other forces at play the influence
behavior and outcomes.
The key to utilizing this skill is consciously selecting the appropriate
position based on the needs of the situation.

Listening Set-Asides

Autobiographical
o Thinking of personal relevance
o Thinking of my own story
Solution
o Thinking of how to solve the problem
o Considering “What I would do…”
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HOW WE COMMUNICATE
Many, and sometimes most, of the critical meaning generated in human encounters are elicited by
touch, glance, vocal nuance, gesture, or facial expression with or without the aid of words. From the
moment of recognition until the moment of separation, people observe each other with all their senses,
hearing pauses and intonation, attending to dress and carriage, observing glance and facial tension, as
well as noting word choice and syntax. Every harmony or disharmony of signals guides the interpretation
of passing mood or enduring attribute. Out of the evaluations of kinetic, vocal, and verbal cues decisions
are made to argue or agree, to laugh or blush, to relax or resist, to continue or to cut off conversation.
D. Barnlund, Interpersonal Communication: Survey and Studies, pp. 256-257
Did You Know…
93% of a communicated message is non-verbal (38% tone of voice, 55% body language)
 Facial expression
 Gestures
 Tone of voice (pitch, volume, pacing)
 Body posture/position/proximity
7% of a communicated message is verbal
 Words
Thomas Crane, The Heart of Coaching
For Reflection:
 What does this mean about how I listen?
 What does it mean about how I communicate?
Putting It Into Practice
Inquiry Stance
Advocacy Stance
 “I want to better understand you.”
 “I want you to better understand me.”
 Seeks to understand what others mean
 Seeks to make oneself understood
 What do you mean by…?
 I say this because…
 Can you help me understand…?
 I’m seeing this from the viewpoint of…
 Say more…
 Let me share my thinking on this…
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PRODUCTIVE DISCOURSE
Shifting the Discourse | From Blame & Complaint to Care & Commitment
Sometimes we get stuck in conversations – we hold back because
we don’t know how to express ourselves in a productive way or we
don’t know how to respond productively to others’ negative and
judgmental expressions. In their book How the Way We Talk Can
Change the Way We Work, authors Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey
share ways to shift from unproductive to productive discourse. To
start, they tackle the language of blame and complaint. Rather than
joining in with the negative talk or being triggered or silenced by it,
they suggest there is potential in every negative statement:
Hidden River of Care
We would not complain about anything if we did not care about something. Beneath the
surface torrent of complaining lies a hidden river of our caring, that which we most prize or to
which we are most committed.
So one skill that can be practiced is identifying the “care” and “commitment” behind the statements
of blame and complaints (nagging, bitching, moaning, etc.) we hear or express. This interrupts
unproductive discourse so the possibility of moving the conversation in a productive direction
becomes available.
Putting It Into Practice
Blame & Complaint
Care & Commitment
 Tells people what you can’t stand
 Tells others what you deeply care about
 Tells others what they should/n’t do
 Takes responsibility for what you care about
 I can’t stand it when she does that
 What I care about is clear communication
 He shouldn’t do it that way
 I can see where I need to improve my own
reactions to people
We believe the language of complaint can be revisited for the purpose of being
redeemed – that it contains a transformative element or seed. Where there is
passion, there are also possibilities for transformation.
-- Kegan & Lahey
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NONDISCUSSABLES
Nondiscussables are subjects sufficiently important that they are talked
about frequently but are so laden with anxiety and fearfulness that these
conversations take place only in the parking lot, the rest rooms, the
playground, the car pool, or the dinner table at home.
Fear abounds that open discussion of these incendiary issues –– at a faculty meeting, for example,
will cause a meltdown.
The nondiscussable is the elephant in the living room. Everyone knows that this huge pachyderm is
there, right between the sofa and the fireplace, but we go on mopping and dusting and vacuuming
around as if it did not exist.
Why Do We Avoid Hard Conversations?
The brain has been observed to “shut down” when negative psychological feedback such as
threat, criticism, and failure result in the defensive measure of downshifting.
John Abbott
Downshifting is the tendency under stress to shift to a defensive mode and become less
flexible and open to new information and ideas. Downshifting is the psycho-physiological
response to threat, accompanied by a sense of helplessness, fatigue, fear, or anxiety. The
brain learns optimally when appropriately challenged, but downshifts under perceived threat.
A secure, nonthreatening environment counteracts downshifting.
Renate Caine & Geoffrey Caine
USING OUR TOOLS




Listen fully
Set aside unproductive patterns of listening
Choose to understand someone else’s perspective before expecting others to understand you
Find the hidden river of caring in negative statements
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