Paul Haggerty
Comm 2110 – 044
Personal Change Report
5/4/13
Overview
This paper outlines my personal change project. My goal has been to enact change with
how I communicate with my girlfriend so that I listen empathetically and do not get emotionally
charged or take over solving her problems. The strategies I implemented to improve on this
unwanted behavior were to focus on the things my girlfriend said, and respond with positive
verbal feedback if something bothers her. During this personal change project my progress on
my listening skills have been slower than I wanted at first, but I have been improving and do a
better job at offering supportive feedback. A goal I have for the future is to schedule appropriate
times to talk together if I feel too stressed to listen and talk to the best of my ability.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
When talking with my girlfriend Celeste I sometimes have the bad habit of not listening
to her as much as I’d like if I am frustrated or upset. That frustration causes me to want to control
how to solve something that is bothering her and do it myself, instead of responding with
carefully thought out verbal feedback to help out if needed. Often this happens when the two of
us discuss something personal that we hold different views on, or are already stressed about
something else. Not listening to her empathetically due to stressful feelings is ineffective because
it prevents positive interpersonal communication. “One characteristic of people who “lose it” is
that they let their emotions get the best of them. Before they know it, they are saying and doing
things that they later regret. Unbridled and uncensored emotional outbursts rarely enhance the
quality of an interpersonal relationship.” (Beebe, 2011, p. 239) Below are a couple examples of
my unwanted communication.

One evening when I was walking with my girlfriend to go drop something off for
someone down the street she brought up an incident that was affecting one of her second
cousins. We both know her, but with the degree that this incident was affecting her
cousin I wanted to get some outside help to intervene, in contrast to her feelings about
wanting to step back a moment to see what was really going on and then act before doing
something rash. My girlfriend was the one who brought the problem up to me because
she wanted some emotional and verbal support, but my unwanted behavior pattern helped
influence me to instead center the communication more on how I felt about the situation,
preventing my opportunity to be empathetically involved with her.

Once in a while debatable topics have come up between my girlfriend’s parents and me.
She doesn’t want to feel that she needs to choose a side about whom or what is
right/wrong because it creates stress for her. When she was expressing these feelings to
me I did listen, but then also made comments such as; “I feel like you’re backing your
mom up more than me.” This affects my ability to keep positive communication channels
open by not demonstrating a genuine consistent interest in what she is saying.
Strategies
First of all, the learning goal I first mentioned in my proposal had to do with transforming
some of my listening barriers into listening goals. Among the more prominent listening barriers
is emotional noise cause by unchecked emotions. The reason why it would be wise to use a
strategy to turn this around is because emotional noise can interfere with the listening process
from both parties in a conversation;
…when your own emotions become aroused, you may lose your ability to converse
effectively. Unchecked emotions can interfere with focusing on the message of another…
If you are listening to someone who is emotionally distraught, you will be more likely to
focus on his or her emotions than on the content of the message. (Beebe, 2011, pp. 125126)
In my proposal I have decided to turn this problem into a positive goal by using the strategy of
self talk. Essentially the way that this method is supposed to work is you mentally clear your
mind, while trying to remain calm, and then return your thoughts to the actual person and the
meaning behind what the other person is saying. (Beebe, 2011, pp. 47 & 126) Alongside the
strategies I implement to improve listening, there are also some emphasizing the strengthening of
my responding skills.
Once I have removed emotional distractions from the communication between Celeste
and I, the next step is to ask questions about what she is saying to clarify anything I
misunderstood. This strategy is needed in response to resolving my undesired communication
pattern. In our class text it makes mention of a research study on how well a person shared a
story when the other person did, or did not, ask questions about what the speaker was saying.
Those who asked questions assisted the speaker in telling the story better than not having
anything asked of them. (Beebe, 2011, pp. 139-140) When I ask questions to my girlfriend about
something that is bothering her I will be better suited to express concern over what she is saying
in a calm manner, and through showing interest she will better be able to share more details
about what she is feeling or thinking.
Constraints
One of the earliest constraints I ran into when trying to implement my replacement
behavior was becoming frustrated when attempting the change. I could start off in a conversation
with my girlfriend about something level headed most of the time, but when I began interjecting
comments before she was able to get all of her thoughts out then she would feel frustrated, which
resulted in me dropping the process I was working on to drop my unwanted behavior. I feel that I
have placed more importance on being included in a conversation by emphasizing that I am
heard than encouraging my girlfriend to communicate with me by acknowledging her
perspective on what topic we’re discussing. Another constraint that proved to be an obstacle for
me was when I chose to respond to something we were discussing.
Part of providing useful feedback is in the timing of it. Even though the behavior I have
been working to change is about listening to and responding to my girlfriend, which in part also
relies on when she communicates with me, I did both of us a disservice by saying something too
soon after she did. When a normal conversation escalated into a conflict it may have happened
because the response was timed too soon, with negative feelings to boot. When keeping my
journal this semester I had days when I faced difficulty with being an empathetic responder
because my girlfriend or I were already stressed on a given day before we talked.
Implementation
Over the past couple months I worked at trying to use the self talk method to reduce
when I would get frustrated, and make our communication less about my reaction to something
than the problem at hand. An example of this was when I was helping Celeste with handling her
stress of writing a poem. Instead of getting frustrated I remained calm and gave her verbal
encouragement that she could do it because I knew that she had figured out more difficult
assignments before. It worked for a little while, but when she felt frustrated again I decided it
would be better to wait to provide more feedback until she had a chance to work through the
assignment and some of that early anxiety. When facing my constraints such as getting upset and
making the conversation about me I had to apologize, or find a better time to talk it over again.
Results
Positive consequences that resulted from this project include providing me with the
experience that I could see progress towards the communication in my relationship. I wouldn’t
have thought to use some of the strategies that I learned about after taking this class. I didn’t
notice any negative consequences, but I still know I need a lot of practice so I can see my results
in the future. My plans for this project did turn out how I expected. Our class’ text described the
theories I implemented in my project as having the ability to better encourage empathy, listening,
and responding skills.
Recommendations
I plan to continue my efforts for my personal changes. A suggestion I would give to
myself for the future is to try and schedule a time to talk with my girlfriend, when it is realistic to
do so, if we’re both wrapped up in negative emotions at the time. “If you are upset, or even tired,
you risk becoming involved in an emotion-charged shouting match. If you ambush someone with
an angry attack, don’t expect him or her to be in a receptive frame of mind. Instead, give yourself
time to cool off before you try to resolve a conflict.” (Beebe, 2011, p. 239) Managing my
schedule better could help me be less tired, resulting in me getting wrapped up in out of control
emotions when stressed less often.
Works Cited
Beebe et al. (2011). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson [Allyn &
Bacon].