Listening with the Heart
(Some basic Principles of Listening)
1. It is important to understand how the PERSON SEES HIS/HER SITUATION.
Attempt to find out IF the person is hurting, and WHERE. It may not be
what we think at all. Don’t be surprised if you’re surprised. “How are
things going?” “What’s happening?” “How do you see the problem?”
2. Allow, and perhaps even encourage VENTILATION OF FEELINGS. Give
permission, if necessary, to cry, to express anger, hurt, depression, etc. It’s
okay to cry.
3. Accept his/her RIGHT TO FEEL this way. It is his/her life, not ours. DO NOT
pass judgement. Feelings DO NOT HAVE to be justified. The “why” is not
important for our purposes. “Why” questions tend to stop the
communication process.
4. Pick up on KEY FEELING WORDS –scared, lonely, anxious etc. If they person
says: “I’m SCARED.” You might ask: “What is it like when you’re SCARED?”
What is your experience of being SCARED? “What happens when you’re
SCARED?” “Can you share this with me?” Goal: to help the person
PROCESS his/her feelings.
5. Again, pick up on KEY FEELING WORDS. Don’t get trapped in details, the
nitty-gritty, long, drawn-out descriptions of events. This ties everything up,
and “nothing goes anywhere.” Ask “How do you FEEL…? “What was it like
inside?” “What does it feel like when…?”
6. LISTEN ATTENTIVELY, AND REFLECT FEELINGS. “I sense a lot of pain here.”
“That sounds like it really hurt you.” “That must have been a lonely time in
your life.” “Is that so?” “Was it?” “Can you share that with me?”
(Listening is the KEY to effectiveness.)
7. USE OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS. “Open questions” help to focus on painful,
conflict areas with beneficial results. “What is it like?” “Would you care to
talk about it? “What’s happening?” “Can you share that with me?” “Can
you tell me more?” “That sounds like quite an experience, could you share
that with me?”
8. Don’t be afraid of SILENCE, it has a message all its own. After asking a
question, WAIT out the answer, even though you might be feeling anxious.
Don’t jam up the PROCESS…
9. It MAY be helpful to REVIEW THE TOTAL PROBLEM at an appropriate time.
“The way I see it…” “Is that so?” “It seems that” This brings about clarity
and helps keep the dialogue focused.
10. ASK PERMISSION. Always elicit the cooperation of the other person if at all
possible. “May I visit with you?” “May I ask some questions which will help
me to understand?” “Will you share with me so that I can understand?”
“Will you share with me so that I can learn from your experience?”
11.It MAY be helpful to PROVIDE USEFUL INFORMATION, perhaps with
examples from your own experience. USE THIS VERY SPARINGLY. It might
be good to present your experience as a possible “model” rather than as
“the answer.” Be very careful of the game of one-upmanship-“My
experience is/was…worse/better/more interesting…than yours.” After
presenting your experience, it might be useful to ask for feedback-“Does
this help you in any way?”
12. It is sometimes helpful to use the principles of MUTUALITY. One must
participate in the situation of the other person. If possible, try to make it
clear (in some way) that you understand on the basis of your own
experience. We have all experienced anxiety, sense of fear, loss etc. But,
be very sensitive here. Don’t overdo it.
13.Small talk (weather etc.) can be very useful. Be aware of when and why
you are engaging in this.
14. CHECK IT OUT. Don’t assume anything if it is possible to “check it out.” To
assume something is to make an “ass out of you and me.” If the person
seems angry, it might be appropriate to ask him/her: “You seem angry
about something” “Are you?” “Could you share that?” “May I visit with
you a while?” “How may I help you?” “Would you like to stop now?”
15. Do NOT become the “ANSWER PERSON” Trust that people can come to
some resolution/solution that is their VERY OWN. Give the person the
dignity and liberty to work through his/her own problem and difficulties.
Give God a chance to work/deal with the person…
16. Again, don’t become the “ANSWER PERSON.” This immediately stops the
struggle and the growth. It JAMS up the PROCESS of communication and
stops it. If a person asks you a question, you might respond with: “What is
your experience?” “What kind of answer do you get from your
experience?” “What does your experience say to you?” It MIGHT be
appropriate to offer models or options if needed. Help the person to “help
himself make own decisions.”
17. GOD IS WITH US. So in a really basic sense, one doesn’t “bring God” to
another person. God was there BEFORE we came, WHILE we are there, and
AFTER we leave. So, relax, and enjoy the relationship.
18. The BASIC QUESTIONS are “What are you FEELING now?” “What were you
FEELING then?” And, “Can you share that with me?”
19.TIME AND PLACE are needed, especially time. It takes time to really LISTEN
to a person. Maybe one only has five minutes to listen, but try to really
listen during those five minutes.
20. DON’T GET HOOKED. There is a time when each of us is entitled to our
own “hissy/blow up/etc. Let him/her have it by him/herself. It is his/her
hissy, not yours. Don’t bite into” the anger, depression, frustration, etc.
Don’t feed into it.
21. It might be useful to CONTRACT for a continuation of the talk/transaction
etc. “Can we continue this tomorrow/next week?” “Would you care to talk
about this again sometime?”
22. It might be useful to ASK FOR FEEDBACK. “Has this been
meaningful/helpful in any way?” “What has this meant to you?”
23. Generally speaking, LAY OFF THE “GOD TALK” per se. Be sensitive about
laying on heavy loads of scripture, prayer, and practices. Etc. Do a lot of
listening. “God talk” can cover up a lot of anger, hurt, resentment, etc. The
TRUTH will make us free. Therefore, it is extremely important to deal with,
and help, the real problems.
24. When you FEEL it is TIME TO STOP, it IS time to stop. TRUST YOURSELF.
Trust yourself to respond to the situation effectively. Trust yourself to ask
healthy, effective questions. Trust yourself to know/FEEL when to stop. If
you are uncomfortable, the other person is uncomfortable, if you FEEL, it is
time to stop, so does the other person. The closure will take place
naturally.
25. GET IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF. What are YOU feeling as you listen?...RE:
THIS LAST STATEMENT. Get in touch with your own feelings; this is a
cutting edge for your own growth. Just as a ship “cuts” through the water
as it moves/processes through the ocean, knowledge of yourself, real
awareness of feelings, is a “cutting edge” that helps you to get in solid
contact with yourself and others—and to keep growing.
ADAPTED FROM GERALD J. CAFFREY