BRIGHTON ROCK or, the search for the Ancient Cricketer A further Tour report by Monsieur Hiver Keith Waterhouse famously said that Brighton “looks like a town that is helping the police with its enquiries”, and so it was entirely appropriate that the cricket team which has many of the same shady characteristics should pay a return visit. The last time we’d braved the south coast was five years previously, when we made the acquaintance of a quaint (see what I did there?) old man known as the Ancient Cricketer (pictured right, making friends with a typically-dressed Clown). Probably just as well we didn’t find him, given that we were involved in him losing his job at the prestigious five-star hotel last time. The usual debauched festivities took place during the pre-tour phase, including sampling the Brighton night life, before the main body of the party arrived on Friday evening. The tour tradition of Friday-night entertainment was taken to the next level with a fun and informative evening of orienteering, orchestrated by Pidge and Nugget (“I’m sure it’s down this road”) to the general jollity of the tour party who weren’t a bit concerned that they were starving hungry. Eventually dinner was found, as was the short route back, and the usual quantity of sodas and mineral waters were taken. The cricket is chronicled elsewhere in the organ, but don’t get too excited by it. Saturday’s fancy-dress theme was “what you wanted to be when you grew up”. Tough one this, as most of the tour party hadn’t grown up. Still, we walked the 5½ miles to the restaurant dressed as Ninja Turtles, Ice skaters, Monarchy, and the odd Mahatma (very odd. Should’ve worn some pants under that sheet, Papa G). We were amused when walking by a party of young ladies who obviously mistook us for a group of poultry breeders, because they repeated shouted at us to get our cocks out. We were also under the misconception that they had some small garden birds secreted about their persons, as we invited them to show said members of the genus paridae (see illustration) Constant reader, you can fill in the rest of the blanks here…you all know what happens on tour (and that it stays on tour – usually) so there seems little point continuing. I’ve also filled up my page (thanks to two entirely pointless pictures).