Taste of Torah – Parashat Hayei-Sarah
Prepared by Rabbinic Intern, Adir Yolkut, Temple Beth Am
One of the most important lessons I have learned as I grow in this world is that
relationships are fraught with complications. I am sure this is not news to most of you,
but it is constantly on my mind. Earlier this week, an article was making its way around
the usual social media platforms that discussed the two keys to identifying healthy
relationships based on a social science studies done at the Gottman Institute. To make
a long study short, actions of kindness and generosity are the strongest indicators for a
healthy and long-lasting relationship.
I could not help but think about this as I looked at Hayyei Sarah this week. It is
impossible not to look at the death of Sarah and think about the relationship she had
with Avraham. Especially in the aftermath of last week’s narrative about the sacrifice of
Isaac, it is easy to see that the marriage of the Jewish people’s mother and father was
complicated. In fact, we learn from Hizkuni, a 13th century French commentator that the
reason Sarah passed away in Hevron, some 30 miles from where Avraham was in Be’er
Sheva was because Avraham sent her away in order that she not be faced with grim
reality of what Avraham intended to do to Isaac. The Midrash Tanhuma (Vayera 22)
goes even further by telling us that Avraham fabricated a tale to allay Sarah’s fears.
Some may look at these actions as magnanimous but it is difficult for me to not see
them as indicative of some of the cracks in their relationship. Nonetheless, it is with this
lens that I then see the actions of this week’s parasha as an attempt by Avraham and
Yitzhak to repair some of those cracks.
Immediately following the death of Sarah, Avraham gets up from his mourning to
pay a hefty fee for a burial plot for Sarah. Delving into the psychology of this act, I can
see Avraham’s realizing he has lost the woman that he loves and, albeit in death, he
wants to make up for some of his shortcomings with this generous act. The next act of
repairing the cracks is Avraham’s expeditious attempt to find his son’s wife. Right after
Sarah is buried, Avraham adjures his servant to find his son a wife because he is aware
that with Sarah gone, the family needs a matriarchal replacement, a woman of strong
convictions who can stand with Yitzhak and lead the next steps of the first family.
The final act in this repair is Avraham’s remarriage. We are told at the end of the
parashah that Avraham marries Keturah, who, as Rashi points out, is actually Hagar
(Avraham’s previously expelled concubine). The Midrash (Bereishit Rabbah) relates the
inner workings of this reconciliation: Yitzhak in the process of his engagement to
Rebekkah, wonders to himself how can he get married while my father is all alone? In
response, he seeks out Hagar to bring her back to help mend some of the wounds of
Sarah’s death and their troubled relationship. In this act, he joins with his father in a final,
albeit posthumous, filling of the cracks in Avraham and Sarah’s relationship.
I know that it is sometimes difficult to look back at the paradigmatic relationships
of our people and see their shortcomings. We are taught from a young age of the
infallible nature of our forefathers and mothers. But in truth I find it comforting to know
that they were just like us, struggling through life and love, attempting to be the best
they could be within relationships. While recognizing the anachronism of thrusting the
framework of kindness and generosity on Avraham and Sarah’s relationship, it is
comforting to see that even though it happens in death, Avraham is able to reintegrate
these two ideals in order to further the memory of Sarah in this parasha.