THE LADY EVE Harriet Reisen
Scene to Be Adapted March 19, 2012
Libretto Class ESPA
Scene 3: The Lady Eve, by Preston Sturges
ROMANTIC, GENTEEL DANCE MUSIC is heard as the scene changes to the dining room of the ship, where everyone wears evening clothes, and the meal is coming to a close. At one side, CHARLIE sits alone at a table, looking lithe and tan in white tie and tails, and reading a book about snakes. (In the film it’s Are Snakes Necessary?, a play on James Thurber’s Is Sex
Necessary? To the other side sit JEAN and her father, aka COLONEL HARRINGTON at the moment. Jean is using her compact as a rear-view mirror, spying on the scene around
CHARLIE’s table as women parade by and smile conspicuously from nearby tables to attract the rich single man’s attention. Upstage to one side, the STEWARDS and PASSENGERS order drinks from the BARTENDER. There is a run on Pike’s Ale as word of the source of
CHARLIE’s riches has spread through the ship.
STEWARD ONE
(to bartender)
Two Pike’s Pale
BARTENDER
Now, wait a minute.
STEWARD TWO
Six more Pike’s Pale, and make it snappy.
BARTENDER
What are you trying to do, embarrass me? We’re all out of Pike’s.
Work em out on something else.
STEWARD TWO
They don’t want nothing else. They want the ale that won for Yale
(sardonically)
Rah, rah, rah!
BARTENDER
Well, tell ‘em to go to Hel’--Harvard.
PASSENGER ONE
Come on…
BARTENDER
Now how many times do I have to tell you…
PASSENGER TWO
Four Pike’s Pale
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THE LADY EVE Harriet Reisen
Scene to Be Adapted March 19, 2012
Libretto Class ESPA
BARTENDER
Now listen…
The scene’s focus shifts to CHARLIE, where he is looking up from his book and around. He glances toward a table with smiling PARENTS of two young DAUGHTERS and four bottles of
Pike’s ale drink to him. Then a TRIO of women who were staring at him, but flash stilted smiles as they see he is looking their way. He quickly returns his gaze to his book, but he doesn’t really want to read – it’s a defense. He looks in another direction where a YOUNG
LADY bats her eyelashes rather sweetly, but is immediately distracted by a sultry-looking beautiful BRUNETTE, wearing a very low-cut gown with a cigarette holder suggestively poised at her mouth looks at him through bedroom eyes. It’s too direct for Charlie, who turns away to observe a young LADY DRINKING BEER. Her MOTHER pokes her and she smiles at Charlie, then belches.
Now the scene shifts to JEAN and her father. She is commenting on the women she’s been observing. Her father, absorbed in some calculations on paper, is not really paying attention.
JEAN
Not good enough.
COLONEL HARRINGTON
What did you say?
JEAN
(to COLONEL HARRINGTON)
I said they’re not good enough for him.
Every Jane in the room is giving him the thermometer and he feels they’re just a waste of time….
COLONEL HARRINGTON pays no attention. JEAN continues in monologue, reporting the action like a sports announcer.
(CONT)
JEAN
He’s returning to his book. He’s deeply immersed in it.
He sees -- no --except – watch his head turn when that kid goes by.
A young woman in a revealing sweater walks past Charlie.
JEAN
(CONT)
It won’t do you any good, dear. He’s a bookworm, but swing ‘em anyway.
An overweight woman sidles her way into Charlie’s proximity.
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THE LADY EVE Harriet Reisen
Scene to Be Adapted March 19, 2012
Libretto Class ESPA
JEAN
(CONT)
Now how ‘bout this one?
(as if to Charlie)
JEAN
(CONT)
How would you like that hanging on your Christmas tree? Oh you wouldn’t? Well, what is your weakness, brother?
The overweight flirtatious woman drops a handkerchief.
JEAN
(CONT)
Holy smoke! The dropped kerchief. That hasn’t been used since Lily Langtry.
(as if to woman)
You’ll have to pick it up yourself, Madame.
The overweight woman bends down to pick up her kerchief)
JEAN
(CONT)
(as if to woman)
It’s a shame he’ll never care for the flesh. He’ll never see it.
(beat)
Look at that girl over to his left.
(as if to Charlie)
Look over to your left, bookworm. There’s a girl pining for you.
Charlie is looking to his left, although of course he hasn’t heard Jean. She’s merely narrating what’s happening. An attractive young debutante type is considering an encounter.
JEAN
(CONT)
A little further. Just a little further. There! Wasn’t that worth looking for?
See those nice store teeth all beaming at you? Why, she recognizes you!
She’s up! She’s down! She can’t make up her mind. She’s up again!
She recognizes you! She’s coming over to speak to you!
The suspense is killing me.
(as debutante)
“Why, for heaven’s sake! Aren’t you Fuzzy Oldhammer
I went to manual training school with in Louisville? “
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THE LADY EVE Harriet Reisen
Scene to Be Adapted March 19, 2012
Libretto Class ESPA
JEAN
(CONT)
“You’re not? You certainly look exactly like him
– a remarkable resemblance.”
(in deb’s inner voice)
“If you’re not going to ask me to sit down, I suppose you’re not going to ask me to sit down. Sorry. I certainly hope I haven’t caused you any embarrassment, you old…..”(mutter mutter)
JEAN
(CONT)
(as Charlie’s inner voice)
I wonder if my tie’s on straight. I certainly upset them, don’t I?
Now who else is after me? Oh who else? Ah! The lady champion wrestler. Wouldn’t she make a houseful?
(to Charlie)
You don’t like her either. What are you going to do about it?
CHARLIE gets up from his table and heads towards the door.
JEAN
(CONT, to Charlie)
Oh, you just can’t stand it anymore. You’re leaving.
These women don’t give you a moment’s peace, do they?
Well, go ahead, go sulk in your cabin.
Go soak your head and see if I care!
As CHARLIE walks past her table, JEAN puts out her foot and trips him. As he falls, he knocks down a waiter’s tray to an embarrassing accompaniment of breaking dishes.
JEAN
(to the waiter)
Oh, I’m very sorry, sir.
(to Charlie)
Why don’t you look where you’re going?
CHARLIE
Why don’t I look?
JEAN
(picking up her shoe)
Look, you knocked the heel off.
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THE LADY EVE Harriet Reisen
Scene to Be Adapted March 19, 2012
Libretto Class ESPA
CHARLIE
Oh, I did? I’m certainly sorry.
JEAN
Well you did, and you can take me right down to my cabin for another pair of slippers.
CHARLIE
(friendly, he’s attracted)
I certainly could. It’s the least I can do. Oh, by the way, my name’s Pike.
JEAN
Oh everybody knows that. Nobody’s talking about anything else.
(indicating her father)
This is my father, Colonel Harrington. My name’s Jean, it’s really Eugenia.
She takes his arm “for balance” since she’s got one high-heeled shoe on.
JEAN
(CONT)
BLACKOUT. END SCENE
Funny our meeting like this, isn’t it?
CHARLIE
Yes, isn’t it?
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