Boys, Boxing and Polish Ties
‘My Polish Teacher’s Tie’ Helen
Dunmore
‘And then I saw it. Pleasure. A smile lit in
his eyes and ran to his mouth’
“Carla! You are Carla Carter.
My penfriend.”’
A Pretty Good PQD
Dunmore uses symbols to create the characters:
“It was red with bold green squiggles on it. It
was a terribly Hopeful tie”.
Dunmore uses the personification of the tie to
discribe Steffan’s hopefullness. Dunmore uses
Staffan’s tie to symbolise who staffan is, a bright,
happy and hopfull man who stands out.
Hit it as far as you can…
Tom
It was like I got his by a steam train right in the jaw I could
feel my feet going from underneath me. Bang, pow, thud
I could feel and see and hear the punches travelling into
my brain, the blood trickled down my face, then he
landed the last punch, that was it. My feet had gone I
tried to hold up on ali’s shorts but I went just like a tree
been chainsawed I hit the ground and could barely hear
the count, my mind and ears could work out 6, 7, 8, I
tried getting, but the crowd went wild! Ali bounced
around the ring and the ring got raided, my trainer got
me up, and took me into the corner the last thing I saw
was a wet sponge coming into my face.
Bang, pow, thud I could feel and see and hear
the punches travelling into my brain, the
blood trickled down my face, then he landed
the last punch, that was it. My feet had gone I
tried to hold up on ali’s shorts but I went just
like a tree been chainsawed I hit the ground
and could barely hear the count, my mind and
ears could work out 6, 7, 8, I tried getting, but
the crowd went wild! Ali bounced around the
ring and the ring got raided, my trainer got me
up, and took me into the corner the last thing
I saw was a wet sponge coming into my face.
FIRST DRAFT: It was a cold blowy day in early
April, and a million radios were striking
thirteen.
SECOND DRAFT: It was a bright cold day in
April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
Fire built in my belly and I crazed doing all I
could landing punch after punch in the face
and in the ribs I could feel the vibrations
tingling from my fist straight up my arm from
my fist, and his nose merging into my
knuckles, the groans bellowed down my ear
as I landed rib shots after rib shots mixed in
with him saying my punches weren’t hard
enough, bell rung and we was now at round 5
and I was tired.
Choosing words for impact!
“Like the deepest roar
from the leader of a lion
pack.”
I wanted to make sure
the reader knows that
the noise was
deafening.
Choosing words for impact!
“Foreman’s stance, like
a cheetah stalking its
prey…”
I wanted to show that
Foreman was
completely focused on
Ali.
Choosing words for impact!
“A volcanic eruption of
punches. It was as if
they were waves
smashing down upon
the rocks, relentless and
unforgiving…”
I wanted to give the
impression that
Foreman was beating
the hell out of Ali.
Choosing words for impact!
“…beating the
nightmare to a bloody
pulp.”
I wanted to get across
the point that Foreman
was getting totally
mashed.
Choosing words for impact!
“…I was heavyweight
champion of the world!
I had won.”
I showed that against all
odds, Ali had beaten
the monster that was
George Foreman.
Punctuation…
…you
KNOW
the rules!
I like this…
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all
about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful.
People who are not like you admit to being
useless and inferior. You have ruined me for
other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever
happy—will you let me be yours?
Gloria
I don’t like this…
Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All
about you are generous, kind, thoughtful
people, who are not like you – admit to being
useless and inferior! You have ruined me. For
other men, I yearn; for you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be
forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
Basic Punctuation
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Full stops
Capital letters
Commas
Semi-colons
Colons
Speech marks
Question marks
Exclamation marks
Place the Pair of Commas!
• Every lesson despite having been reminded by
his tutor Liam would ask for a pen.
• With his house close to school just fifty yards
from the library Josh was always on time.
• Tom’s essay the one about the Ali-Foreman
fight was quite outstanding.
• James Kelly although he never brought a pen
into school was making great progress.
I came out second, jogging out feeling
confident. The crowd was chanting “ali, ali,
ali” nothing could break my confidence. I
entered the ring ducking and weaving catching
the crowds attention but they were having
none of it, the crowd was shouting “Ali
Bumboyay!” he had no chance I could taste
victory mixed in with sweat and vaseline
trickling down my face.
I came out second, jogging out and feeling
confident. The crowd was chanting, “Ali, Ali,
Ali”. Nothing could break my confidence. I
entered the ring ducking and weaving catching
the crowd’s attention, but they were having
none of it. The crowd was shouting, “Ali
Bumboyay!” He had no chance. I could taste
victory mixed in with the sweat and vaseline
trickling down my face.
Tom
It was like I got his by a steam train right in the jaw I could
feel my feet going from underneath me. Bang, pow, thud
I could feel and see and hear the punches travelling into
my brain, the blood trickled down my face, then he
landed the last punch, that was it. My feet had gone I
tried to hold up on ali’s shorts but I went just like a tree
been chainsawed I hit the ground and could barely hear
the count, my mind and ears could work out 6, 7, 8, I
tried getting, but the crowd went wild! Ali bounced
around the ring and the ring got raided, my trainer got
me up, and took me into the corner the last thing I saw
was a wet sponge coming into my face.
Tom
It was like I got hit by a boulder, right in the jaw! I could
feel my feet going from underneath me. BANG! POW!
THUD! I could feel, see and hear the punches travelling
into my brain as each punch cut into my face like a hot
knife through butter. My adrenaline was high; I could not
feel the pain until I saw the blood trickling from my nose.
Then he landed the last punch. That was it. My feet had
gone. I tried to hold up on Ali’s shorts but I went, just like
a tree that had been chain-sawed. I hit the ground and
could barely hear the count. My mind and ears could
work out 6, 7, 8, I tried getting up. I had no chance!
Point, Quote, Discussion…
…about their own work!
Tom
Tom uses vivid imagery to help the reader
imagine how Foreman was knocked out:
“…I went, just like a tree that had been chainsawed.”
Tom’s image is really effective; when trees
that have been cut down fall, they fall without
anything stopping them. The ground shakes.
This is what it was like when Foreman was
sent down by Ali.
Josh
Josh uses short sharp sentences to………
“His legs started to shake. His knees went
weak.”
Here Josh…
Josh
Josh uses short sharp sentences to create a sense
of disbelief at what was happening to Foreman:
“His legs started to shake. His knees went weak.”
Here Josh creates pauses between the sentences
because they are so short. It is like the effect
upon the audience. No-one could believe what
was happening as Ali won. It adds to the drama.
Building Blocks for Boys…
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Great stimulus material for inspiring writing
Rough notes
Raw draft – hit it as far as you can!
You type up – worth the investment
Impact! – using their own work
SPG – teach it from the front…
They redraft for impact and accuracy
PQD their own work
Celebrate – publish far and wide
PQD…
…with a big
D!
Technique (P)
In the same way “the River God” also has a lot of
emotive language which then leads onto a
sexual aspect. I think in both poems they are
broken human beings who have a terrible
reputation with the opposite sex. The last line in
“the River God” is also a very bold sentence.
Quotation (Q)
“If she chooses to go, I will not forgive her.”
Effect (D)
This is a very loving threat in some ways because
it shows that “the River God” has really taken to
this female and would be devastated if he lost
her, which makes you tingle when you read it
because basically he is saying he will drown her.
PQD
In the same way “the River God” also has a lot of
emotive language which then leads onto a sexual
aspect. I think in both poems they are broken
human beings who have a terrible reputation with
the opposite sex. The last line in “the River God” is
also a very bold sentence.
“If she chooses to go, I will not forgive her.”
This is a very loving threat in some ways because it
shows that “the River God” has really taken to this
female and would be devastated if he lost her,
which makes you tingle when you read it because
basically he is saying he will drown her.
Janus-faced sentences
• Whilst the “River God” was unhappy with his
life, the speaker in “Give” is much more
determined…
• Armitage uses detailed description in “The
Clown Punk” but Browning reveals the
character through the use of the first person
narrator…
• On the one hand Duffy…; on the other hand
Armitage…
Compare the ways poets present strong feelings in ‘Give’ and
one other poem from Character and voice.
The character in the poem “Give” feels angry as well as
bitter that a house owner has a house and he is without
one:
“Of all the public places, dear”
Armitage emphasises the character's bitterness with the
dramatic pause with the use of the comma to add
sarcastic tone to the word “dear”.
Whilst Armitage uses sarcastic tone Duffy uses a more
threatening voice, and direct tone towards the man:
“Are you terrified?”
The way she says “you” she’s making a point that she is
just angry at him and there’s no-one else to get him out
of it.
Fewer (activities)
Deeper (learning)
Better (student outcomes)