Parenting Workshop
Adolescent Hood
Mary Ann Bishay
mbishay1@yahoo.com
What is Adolescence?
 Time
of transition and change
 “Adults
in training”
 Incredible
changes that involve many
areas of her life: neurological, hormonal,
emotional, social, and spiritual
Adolescent Psychosocial
Development
 Teenagers
 They
are seeking autonomy
are separating from their parents in
order to establish identities of their own
and their own value system
Erikson’s Psychosocial Theory
 Individuals
progress through eight
psychosocial stages during the life span
 Defined
by conflict involving the individuals
relationship with the social environment

Erikson believed that a healthy personality
depends on acquiring the appropriate
basic attitudes in the proper sequence.
Erikson's Psychosocial Stages
Stage
Basic
Conflict
Important
Events
Outcome
Infancy (birth
to 18 months)
Trust vs.
Mistrust
Feeding
Children develop a sense of trust when
caregivers provide reliability, care, and
affection. A lack of this will lead to
mistrust.
Early
Childhood (2
to 3 years)
Autonomy vs.
Shame and
Doubt
Toilet
Training
Children need to develop a sense of
personal control over physical skills and a
sense of independence. Success leads to
feelings of autonomy, failure results in
feelings of shame and doubt.
Preschool (3
to 5 years)
Initiative vs.
Guilt
Exploration
Children need to begin asserting control
and power over the environment. Success
in this stage leads to a sense of purpose.
Children who try to exert too much power
experience disapproval, resulting in a
sense of guilt.
School Age (6
to 11 years)
Industry vs.
Inferiority
School
Children need to cope with new social and
academic demands. Success leads to a
sense of competence, while failure results
in feelings of inferiority.
Adolescence
(12 to 18
years)
Identity vs.
Role
Confusion
Social
Relationships
Teens needs to develop a sense of self and
personal identity. Success leads to an
ability to stay true to yourself, while failure
leads to role confusion and a weak sense
of self.
Young
Adulthood (19
to 40 years)
Intimacy vs.
Isolation
Relationships
Young adults need to form intimate, loving
relationships with other people. Success
leads to strong relationships, while failure
results in loneliness and isolation.
Middle
Adulthood (40
to 65 years)
Generativity
vs.
Stagnation
Work and
Parenthood
Adults need to create or nurture things
that will outlast them, often by having
children or creating a positive change that
benefits other people. Success leads to
feelings of usefulness and
accomplishment, while failure results in
shallow involvement in the world.
Maturity(65 to
death)
Ego Integrity
vs. Despair
Reflection on
Life
Older adults need to look back on life and
feel a sense of fulfillment. Success at this
stage leads to feelings of wisdom, while
failure results in regret, bitterness, and
despair.
Identity versus Role Confusion
 “Who
am I”
 For
the first time adolescents are seriously
looking to the future and considering an
occupational identity
 Identity
crisis
Adolescent Egocentrism
 Imaginary
 Personal
audience
fable
Common Adolescent Disorders
 Opposition
defiant Disorder
 Conduct Disorder
 ADHD
 Depression
 Eating disorders
 Anxiety Disorders
Adolescent Cognitive
Development
 Corpus

callosum
Intelligence, consciousness, and self
awareness
 Prefrontal

cortex
Emotional control, impulse restraint, and
rational decision making
“How can I be a successful
parent”?
God's word provides the best way to
raise children.
God’s Word For Parents

“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and
is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for
correction, for instruction in righteousness: That
the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly
furnished unto all good works.” (2 Timothy 3:16)

Raising godly children is a good work, and the
Scriptures instruct us in righteousness and equip
us for good works. (2 Timothy 3:16,17 )
“How can I be a successful
parent”?
 Key
to raising kids is to have a plan!
“How can I be a successful
parent”?

What are your goals for your kids?

God’s Goal for Your Children


The Main Goal Is to Train Children to Serve God , So
They Can Receive Eternal Life.
What are your goals for yourselves as parents?
God’s Goals for You As A Parent
 “Train
up a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not depart from
it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
 “Fathers,
do not provoke your children to
anger, but bring them up in the discipline
and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians
6:4)
God’s Goals for You As A Parent

“For I know him, that he will command his
children and his household after him, and they
shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice
and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon
Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.”
(Genesis 18:19)

Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you
the fear of the Lord.” (Psalms 34:11)
God’s Goals for You As A Parent

Joshua declared, "As for me and my house, we
will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)

“Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh
and spirit they are his. And why one? Because
he was seeking godly offspring. So guard
yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with
the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:15)
God’s Goals for You As A Parent

“For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children
and his household after him to keep the way of the
LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD
will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."
(Genesis 18:19)

“In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I
have spoken concerning his house: when I begin, I will
also make an end. For I have told him that I will judge his
house for ever for the iniquity which he knows; because
his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them
not. And therefore I have sworn unto the house of Eli,
that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be purged with
sacrifice nor offering for ever.” (1 Samuel 3:12-14)
Generation Gap

The distance between generations in values,
behaviors, and knowledge, marked by a mutual
lack of understanding

Often time the generation gap can be
problematic to families. It can cause
misunderstandings, confusion to each individual
in the families behavior, etc

Its important to be aware of these gaps and the
difficulties and challenges that may arise due to
these gaps
What your teen is thinking…
1. “If my parents would just leave me alone,
everything would be fine.”
2. “My parents are so out of touch”
3. My parents are control freaks
4. “All my parents care about is…”
Signs that teenagers are feeling
frustrated and hurt.






She continually tells you that it doesn’t matter when you
let her down.
He overreacts to seemingly neutral comments
She goes out of her way to avoid you
He tells you about his friends’ parents who are “so cool.”
She abandons any efforts to gain your approval
He insists that everything is fine when
his appearance and actions suggest
otherwise.
What your teen is thinking…
5. “They don’t even know me”
Self Esteem
 How
often do you tell your children you are
proud of them?
 There
is a drop in self esteem beginning at
age 12.
 Encouragement
vs. criticism
Your contribution to building
self Esteem

Use praise liberally

Do you interact with your teen more through
criticism than anything else?

Catch your children being good

Set achievable and reasonable tasks for your
children
Your contribution to building self
esteem

Ask for their opinions




This lets them feel that they’re being helpful, and that
you respect them and are open to their thoughts
Look for areas where they excel
Teenagers are pleased to learn that their opinions
matter to you!
When they are convinced that you’re genuinely
interested in what they think, they are more likely to
share their thoughts and ask you for your own
opinions. Not to mention raise their self esteem!
Adolescent suicide
 Suicidal
ideation
 Parasuicide
 Warning




signs
Use of drugs
Giving away prized possessions
Saying contacts
Talking, writing, or listening to music with
death themes
Internet

The internet has been linked to



teenage depression
isolation
suicide risk.

Teens are creating “cyber relationships” to
supplant “real time relationships”

Pornography
Peer Groups
 Vital
source of emotional support and
approval
 Adolescents
are not assigned to peer
groups at random, they usually choose to
associate with those similar to themselves
The Power of Peer Pressure
 Social
pressure from members of your
group to accept certain beliefs or act in
certain ways in order to be accepted
 “The Nurture Assumption”, by Judith
Harris
 Time

your teen’s peers get 21 hours, on average
The Power of Peer Pressure

Kids usually seek out other kids who are
similar to themselves


Internal similarities such as sharing feelings of
anger, depression, self loathing, or social
isolation.
Similarity of painful life experiences, like self
absorbed parents, broken homes, or an
inability to do well in school.
The Power of Peer Pressure
 The
acting out is only a symptom of the
real problem.
 Is
the issue peer pressure or emotional
pain?
What the Bible tells us about
choosing our Peers
1
Corinthians 15:33 - Do not be deceived:
"Evil company corrupts good habits."
13:20 – “He who walks with wise
men will be wise, But the companion of
fools will be destroyed.”
 Proverbs
What You, As A Parent Can You
Do

Have a PLAN!

Get to know your children's friends. Have them
visit in your home

Know the people your teens will be with, where
they are going, when they'll be back, etc.

Train your children, from a very early age, to
choose the right kind of friends
What You, As A Parent Can You
Do

Give your children opportunities to associate
with other teens you approve of

Train your children to talk about the gospel with
their peers


Children should learn to invite other children to Bible
classes, discuss right and wrong, set up Bible studies,
etc.
If parents determine some young person is a
harmful influence on their child, they have every
right to intervene

intervene if you must in a wise way
Problems Teens Face at School

* Lying
* Profanity, dirty jokes, etc. (students and
teachers)
* Drinking
* Violence and fighting (students with students or
with teachers)
* Immodesty, lack of dress codes
* Coed gym - immodest uniforms
* Smoking
* Peer pressure/bad crowds
Problems Teens Face at School








Drugs (7 of 8 students personally knew children
who used drugs).
Ridicule and making fun of children who are
good or different
Gossip, slander
Cheating
Stealing and vandalism
Dancing
Disrespect for teachers and parents
False goals (popularity, wealth)
Problems Teens Face at School

Classes that justify evolution, abortion,
homosexuality, situation ethics, contraceptives,
divorce, premarital sex, disrespect for parents,
etc.
 Reading assignments with immorality, violence,
etc.
 Sexual promiscuity - petting at school, pregnant
girls, children talking openly about sexual
relations, everyone expected to do it, etc.
 Schedule conflicts with church activities
Entertainment: Television, Movies, and Music






Drug and alcohol abuse
The occult - witchcraft, Satanism, astrology,
sorcery, etc.
Violence, murder, suicide
Sexual promiscuity - fornication, adultery,
homosexuality, immodesty and even nudity
Profanity, cursing, obscenity
Rebellion against parents, government, God
and the Bible
Television

The average American watches TV 50 hours per week ten hours more than the average workweek

A study of 58 hours of prime-time TV revealed: 5 rapes,
7 homosexual acts, 28 acts of prostitution, 41 examples
of sexual relations between unmarried people. But this
study was in 1983!

It has been estimated that, by the time the average child
reaches age 18, he will have witnessed more than
15,000 murders on TV or in movies.
Television
 In
1991 the National Coalition On
Television Violence estimated that, if TV
violence had never been introduced, each
year the US would have 10,000 fewer
murders, 70,000 fewer rapes, 1,000,000
fewer motor vehicle thefts, 2,500,000
fewer burglaries, and 10,000,000 fewer
acts of larceny. Crime rates would be half
what they are now.
Movies

Here is a survey of the contents of PG and PG13 movies in 1988:








Nearly 1/4 have the "f-word.“
61% take God's name in vain.
71% contain vulgar references to excretion,
intercourse, or genitals.
50% imply sexual intercourse
13% show intercourse
30% show explicit nudity
75% include moderate or severe violence
74% depict alcohol or drug abuse
Parental Relationships:
Their quality and
influence
Parental involvement is a key
ingredient in fostering
adolescents’ success
God: Our true parental example
 The
Scriptures often compare God's
relationship to His children to a father‘s
relationship to his earthly children.
(Matthew7:9-11, Hebrew 12:5-11)
God: Our true parental example
 “This
book of the law shall not depart from
your mouth, but you shall meditate on it
day and night, so that you may be careful
to do according to all that is written in it; for
then you will make your way prosperous,
and then you will have success.”
(Joshua 1:8)
Types of Parenting Styles
 Authoritarian
 Authoritative
 Permissive
Parents
Parents
Authoritarian

Authoritarian parents make the rules, expect
unquestioned obedience from their children, punish
misbehavior (often physically), and value obedience to
authority. Rather than giving a rationale for a rule,
authoritarian parents consider “because I said so” as a
sufficient reason for obedience.

Parents using this parenting style tend to be
uncommunicative, unresponsive, and somewhat distant.

One research study found that preschool children
disciplined in this way tend to be withdrawn, anxious,
and unhappy.
Authoritarian

Associated with low intellectual performance and
lack of social skills, especially in boys.
 Extreme Authoritarian parents, often, if not
blindly obeyed, tend to respond with anger,
which has potentially negative long term
consequences.

Anger is precisely the wrong emotion to direct at
children if they are to thrive, to achieve to be well
adjusted and happy, and to become effective parents
in the next generation.
Authoritative Parents

These parents set high but realistic and reasonable
standards, enforce limits, and at the same time
encourage open communication and independence.
They are willing to discuss rules and supply rationales
for them.

Knowing why the rules are necessary makes it easier for
children to internalize them and to follow them, whether
in the presence of their parents or not.

Authoritative parents are generally warm, nurturing,
supportive, and responsive, and they show respect for
their children and their opinions.
Authoritative Parents



Their children are the most mature, happy, self reliant,
self controlled, assertive, socially competent, and
responsible.
This kind of parenting style is associated with higher
academic performance, independence, higher self
esteem, and internalized moral standards in middle
childhood and adolescence.
Research also shows a strong relationship between
authoritative parenting and high achievement and
feelings of high self worth. Children who experience
authoritative parenting also tend to expect success, not
failure, and to be active rather than passive.
Permissive Parents

Although they are rather warm and supportive, permissive parents
make few rules or demands and usually do not enforce those that
are made. They allow children to make their own decisions and
control their own behavior. children raised in this manner are the
most immature, impulsive, and dependent, and they seem to be
least self controlled and self reliant.

This parenting style is associated with drinking problems,
promiscuous sex, delinquent behavior, and poor academic
performance in adolescents.

In a study of about 2,300 adolescents, those with permissive parents
were more likely to use alcohol and drugs and to have conduct
problems and less likely to be engaged in school than were those
with authoritative or authoritarian parents. The authoritarian style
was related to more psychological distress and less self reliance
and self confidence in adolescents.
Research on Parenting Styles
 The
authoritative parenting style was
associated with psychosocial competence
for adolescents.
 Female
adolescents who perceive their
parents as authoritative have higher levels
of involvement in community activities.
What is the greatest gift
you can give your
child?
Expressing Love
 With
everything else going on in the
troublesome teen years, it often becomes
especially difficult for parents to express
that love and for teens to feel it on a
regular and consistent basis
 Young
people who feel their parents’ love
are less likely to get into trouble.
Expressing Love

Feeling loved encourages pride and self worth in teens, and places
extra value on their actions

It makes teens more receptive to your feedback, diminishes their
need to seek harmful connections outside the home, and increases
their desire to participate in activities of which you approve

Translating those messages of love and care into action may not be
easy


It requires you to seek opportunities to demonstrate your affection
When your teenager feels that you share in both his or her
successes and their disappointments, they begin to gradually count
on you, knowing you’re there for him through thick and thin
Expressing Love
 Knowing
vs. Feeling loved
 What
we know cognitively and what we
feel emotionally can be very different

Of the two, you want to focus on your child’s
emotions
The Bible and what it says
about Love

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but
the greatest of these is love.
(1Corinthians 13:13)

“If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood
all of God’s secret plans and possessed all
knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could
move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would
be nothing.” (1Corinthians 13:2 )
The Bible and what it says about
Love
 So
he answered and said, “ ‘You shall love
the LORD your God with all your heart,
with all your soul, with all your strength,
and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor
as yourself.’” (Luke 10:27)
God as our Parental Figure
 God





loves us unconditionally
Nourishes us with His love
Open arms
Forgiving
Doesn’t hold grudges
Approachable
 What
can we learn from Him as a parental
figure?
Simple Ways to Demonstrate
Unconditional Love
1.
Make it a point to regularly compliment your child in a
genuine way. Comment on their talents at piano, his
good grade on a history test, her computer expertise.
2.
Try to be thoughtful and considerate of their feelings.
Remember the names of their friends, musical
interests, and their other likes and dislikes.
3.
Share in their successes and failures. Convey your
pleasure in their achievements, and let them
understand that you know how they feel in the face of
disappointment.
Simple Ways to Demonstrate
Unconditional Love
4. Accept them as they are. Don’t try to mold them
into a clone of yourself. Let them know that
you respect their individuality.
5. Be there, go to his football games, or her soccer
games, their chorus recital, school plays, etc. It
will make a difference to them.
6. Tell them that you love them, regardless of
whether they say it back to you.
“But my kids don’t want to spend
time with me…”
 Physically
vs. emotionally spending time
with your children
 Importance
 Quality
of Emotional connection
time vs. quantity time
Parent Teen Conflict
 Research
indicates that teens begin to
distance themselves from their parents at
puberty and that conflict increases
 Most
research on families show that
conflict is part of growing up but that
parent-child relationships that are very
high in conflict and low in support impede
normal adolescent development.
Parent Teen Conflict
 Conflict
can arise when an adolescents
drive for independence clashes with the
parents tradition of control.
 Is
conflict normal?
 Do
not fear conflict
 There
is no fear in love; but perfect love
casts out fear, because fear involves
torment. But he who fears has not been
made perfect in love.(1John 4:18)
Positive Attitude towards Conflict

Problems are a time to strengthen relationships

Christ focused on positives

“Keep watch and pray that you may not come into temptation;
the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Mark 14:38).

Your attitude can turn your problems into blessings.

Whether or not the problem becomes a blessing
depends on you. He desires to turn all things into
blessings (Rom 8:28).

Your attitude is contagious to your child.
Cool Parents?

Your children aren’t looking for cool parents but
searching for people he can respect

Your primary concern is for the long-term
welfare of your child, and not for her approval

Good parents would like to be friends with their
kids, but they choose to be a parent first
Monitoring Your Teen
 Parents
awareness of what their children
are doing, where and with whom
Beware of the overly controlling & overly
critical parents

Too much parental interference and control predict
adolescent depression

Psychological control

Adolescents need freedom to feel competent, trusted,
and loved

Parent monitoring may be harmful when it does not
indicate a close connection with the adolescent but
rather it derives from harsh, suspicious parenting

Having a balance is key!
Healthy Monitoring

Often Parents ask: “What is the best way to
monitor what my kids are doing? I sometimes
have no idea what they are up to.”

Solution: ASK

Some parents are afraid to ask or think they
won’t get a respectful answer. If that’s the way
you feel, ASK anyway.
Healthy Monitoring
 Sometimes
our kids assume that our
asking leads to judging, lecturing or worse


Preface your question by pointing out that
you’re just gathering information
Observe them with their friends
Communication
Why is Communication Important?

Good communication is a fundamental human
need

When unable to communicate our feelings to
someone, we react with frustration,
embarrassment, or anger

Depression, poor self-esteem, and feelings of
isolation and alienation can result from repeated
inability to communicate with and relate to other
people
Why Is Communication Important?
 Good
communication creates an
atmosphere of love, mutual respect, and
understanding, without screaming,
demanding, and threatening

Harmonious communication is essential in
helping to keep your children out of trouble
and dealing with trouble if it arises.
 What
is your communication channel like
with your child. Do you see more of this?
 Parent:
How was school today?
 Teen: Fine
 Parent: Anything interesting happen?
 Teen: Nope
 Parent: So what’s happening in your life
these days?
 Teen: Nothing
Communication
 Make
sure you have the other person’s
attention
 Establish
eye contact, observe what that
person is doing at the moment

Find the golden opportunities to talk to
your child and seize them
Good listening vs. Bad listening
Bad listening:
 Teen: “I hate school. I’m gong to drop out.”


Parent: “That’s ridiculous. You don’t hate
school. And I forbid you to drop out.”
Teen: (THINKING) Whatever, you never get
me. If I can’t drop out, I’ll just fail out.
Good listening vs. Bad listening

Good listening
 Teen:
I hate school. I’m going to drop out”
 Parent: ‘I’m sorry school feels so terrible. Can
you tell me what it’s like for you?
 Teen:
THINKING: I feel better just having
brought this up. It’s nice Mom is not
flipping out on me. Maybe I’ll keep
talking. Really don’t want to drop out,
but I’m having this problem…
Good listening vs. Bad listening
 Bad
listening:
 Teen: “Not one person in this world
loves me, especially you.”
 Parent: “That’s crazy, honey. I love you,
your dad loves you, your…
 Teen:
THINKING: “I’ll just shut up since
apparently I don’t even know what
I feel.”
Good listening vs. Bad listening

Good listening:
 Teen:
“Not one person in this world
loves me, especially you.”
 Parent: “It must be awful to feel like that.
I’m really sorry. What tell you that no
one loves you?
 Teen:
THINKING: “Maybe Mom does
care a little bit. She’s actually listening
to me without telling me what to think.”
Speak wisely to your child
 When
speaking to our child we are:

Repetitive

Predictable

Challenging ultimatums

In their face

LOUD
Tips for speaking to your teen
when conveying difficult messages
1. Use fewer words in shorter sentences. The
more you talk, the less they listen
2. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself.
Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t repeat yourself!
3. Lower your voice. The louder you are the
less they hear
4. Keep your hands down, especially when
your kid is upset. Hands in faces are very
provocative to teens. Never crowd them
physically or verbally
Tips for speaking to your teen
when conveying difficult messages
5.
6.
7.
Use I statements. Speak more about your feelings
than their behaviors. Talk about how sad you were
when he was mean to his sister, rather than what’s
wrong with him
Organize your thoughts before you start to talk.
This art of adolescent communication is hard word.
Edit the first draft of what you want to say before
you speak. “Open brain first, then mouth.”
Gage your kid’s mood before starting tough
discussions. Monday mornings at 7am are bad
times to bring up school issues. Timing is
everything in the world of adolescent discourse.
Tips for speaking to your teen
when conveying difficult messages
8. Don’t cram too much into one conversation. Take
frequent breaks if you see frustration building on
either side. Once it gets hot, you won’t get anything
good done anyway. Don’t hesitate to say, “Let’s
continue this tomorrow.”
9. Allow your kid to use the pressure-relief valve of
walking out at times. Although it might appear as
simple defiance, it might also be their way of
avoiding snap-outs. Let them know that walking
away is ok if you pick up the conversation again
later.
Tips for speaking to your teen
when conveying difficult messages
10. Don’t go to ultimatums unless absolutely
necessary. Kids see ultimatums as
challenges to be risen to no matter what the
cost. If you feel an ultimatum coming, it’s
time for a time-out.
11. Don’t talk down to your adolescent.
When conflict arises
remember…LOVE
Lay your problem at God’s feet, pray
 Observe and listen: balance how much you

talk with how much they talk
Validate their feelings/frustrations
 Establish whether this is a good time to

discuss the issue
What teens look for….C.A.R.T.
Care
 Acceptance
 Respect
 Trust

Communication Tips
 Don’t
interrogate or lecture
 They are not on the witness stand
 Teenagers are very sensitive to intensive
questioning and tend to withdraw when
pressed
 If you have serious questions that must be
answered, pick only the most important
ones to ask
Communication Tips
 Balance
how much you talk with how
much your teen talks
 Don’t
bring up past grievances, or faults
that they have done

If it was in the past, keep it there.
What the Bible Tells Us About
Communication

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be
swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath;
(James 1:19).

Talk to your children not yell at them

Communication is more than just talk. Jesus
said that “out of the heart’s abundance the
mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45).

So through good communication, we learn from
others and reveal things about ourselves.