Bellwork March 15th:
• Describe a quality about yourself that you are
proud of OR an event in your life that you will
never forget.
• 7-10 sentences.
1
Goal:
• Write autobiographical personal statements
that communicate the significance of narrated
events to the audience.
• (Brainstorm these events using a personal
mandala. )
2
Borrowed from the UC Counselor
Conference
The Personal Statement:
3
Purpose of the
Personal Statement
Imagine a minute….
4
Purpose of the Personal Statement
• Part of UC and other college’s comprehensive
review process
• Opportunity to provide information that
supports and augments ( adds to) the review
process
• Enables applicant to make the best case
possible for admission
5
Purpose of the Personal Statement
• Adds clarity, depth and meaning to
information collected in other parts of the UC
application
• Completes the application for admission
• An admission decision will never be based on
the content of a personal statement alone
6
A Message from UC Faculty
• While it is acceptable to receive feedback or
helpful suggestions, applicants’ personal
statements should reflect their own ideas and
be written by them alone
7
Understanding the Task
8
The Instructions
• Three rationale statements and questions
(prompts)
– Your World
– Potential to contribute
• Word limits
– Two Responses: 1000 word maximum
– Recommended minimum of 350 words
9
Prompt #1
Question:
– [Freshman Applicants] Describe the world you come
from – for example, your family, community or school –
and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and
aspirations.
10
Potential to Contribute (#2)
Rationale:
– The University welcomes the contributions and
experience each student brings to the campus
learning community. This question seeks to
determine an applicant’s academic or creative
interests and potential to contribute to the vitality
of the University.
11
Potential to Contribute (#2)
Question:
– Tell us about a personal quality, talent,
accomplishment, contribution or
experience that is important to you.
What about this quality or
accomplishment makes you proud and
how does it relate to the person you are?
12
Open Ended ( #3)
– Is there anything you would
like us to know about you or
your academic record that
you have not had the
opportunity to describe
elsewhere in this
application?
• The point of this
question is to allow you
to share anything of
value that you have not
been able to share
about yourself up to
this point.
13
Things to Notice
• All of the questions require you to have a
depth of knowledge about:
– Who you are
– Where you came from
– How you became the person you are today
– What you will contribute because you are the
person you are today
14
Brainstorm 1
• On your paper, jot down answers to the
following questions .They can be complete
sentences or just lists of ideas. Try to be
thorough and thoughtful in your responses.
• THINK DEEPER because that leads to more
intriguing, better responses for your personal
statement.
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1. accomplishments
• What are my top accomplishments at this
point in my life?
16
2. Changed me?
• How have these accomplishments ( from the
last question) helped me to learn about who I
am and to help others around me?
17
3. Unique?
• What is a unique skill I have? How did I
develop this skill?
18
Bellwork March 18th:
• Today we will be continuing our personal statement
brainstorming by creating a Mandala. Look at the following
mandalas and make a list of qualities they have in common.
What is a symbol? Identify any that you can in the mandalas.
7-10 sentences
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What is a Mandala?
• meaningful design made in the form of a circle.
• first created in Tibet over 2,000 years ago. Traditionally,
they displayed highly intricate illustrations of religious
significance
• Indians have created medicine wheels, sand mandalas.
Aztec calendar was both a timekeeping device and a
religious expression of ancient Aztecs. In Asia, the Taoist
“yin-yang” symbol represents opposition
• it is a circular drawing made to represent the wholeness
of a person. a simple representation of who they are.
20
Goal:
• Write autobiographical personal statements
that communicate the significance of narrated
events to the audience.
• (Brainstorm these events using a personal
mandala. )
21
Continue: Brainstorm 1
• On your paper, jot down answers to the
following questions .They can be complete
sentences or just lists of ideas. Try to be
thorough and thoughtful in your responses.
• THINK DEEPER because that leads to more
intriguing, better responses for your personal
statement.
22
4. Background?
• What is my favorite book/movie/short story/
work of art? How has this changed who I am?
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5. Challenges?
• What has been my greatest challenge? How
did I grow and change as a result?
24
6. Testing my limits?
• When have I pushed myself to the max,
physically /emotionally/ or mentally, in an
effort to succeed? How did I meet my goal?
Which defining factors of my personality
happily revealed themselves to me as I
persevered through this struggle?
25
7. Plans?
• What are my primary goals and ambitions? If I
could fast-forward to 10, 20 years from now,
what would most closely define a “successful”
life in my eyes and estimation? In which
specific ways, does college support my future
plans?
26
8. Traits?
• what is my strongest, most unwavering
personality trait? What about me has stayed
the same for as long as I can remember?
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9. Journey?
• See your life as a journey. What does it look
like—a bumpy road, a river...? Where did the
journey begin? Where has it led you? Where is
it heading? How has the trip been? What part
of the journey might be particularly
important, maybe a defining moment?
28
Look at your brainstorm thus far:
• Star anything that is absolutely important to
who you are.
29
Symbol Vs. Sign
• Symbol
– Can stand for many things
• Ex: a ring can stand for promises, wedding, love,
engagement, family, etc.
• Sign:
– Stands for one thing
• Ex: stop sign means stop and only stop
30
Pick Five
• From brainstorm number 1, choose five of the
most important ideas you have written.
• Think of a possible symbol that might
represent this quality, memory, idea from your
life.
• Write the symbol on your papers now for your
five items.
31
Creating the Mandala
• The Mandala should be a representation of :
– Who you are and how you got there
– What is important to you
– Thus everything in your design should be symbolic
32
Brainstorm #2 : Mandala
• Choose FIVE symbols from your list to use to
create a Mandala representing who you are.
• The larger the symbol, the larger its
importance to who you are.
• Connect the symbols artistically.
• Even colors and shapes can be symbolic
representations of who you are.
33
Mandalas:
• Take the rest of class today to begin working
on your Mandalas.
• Remember:
– The larger the symbol, the more important
– Everything should be symbolic to who you are
– Be creative in your artistic display
– FINISHED Mandala due Tomorrow!
34
Bellwork March 19th:
35
Bellwork March 19th
• Tell a story about
what was happening
when this picture was
taken.
• 7-10 sentences
Partners
• Now, swap papers with your partner.
• Add to the writer's story and share your
thoughts or the life lesson.
• 2-3 sentences
Partners
• Pass back to the original writer.
• Read the story, edit and revise it for clarity,
and give it a title.
• Does the story still make sense?
Bellwork March 20th:
• Finish one of these statements in 7-10
sentences:
• An event or experience that taught me
something special was….
• An achievement that made me feel terrific
was……
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Mandala Presentations:
• Share the following:
– Write your name on the board for everyone
– What each symbol means and why you chose it (
Why one is central/ larger than others; what that
says about who you are…etc)
– What the other aspects of the mandala mean and
why you chose them ( colors? Shapes? The
outside of the circle? )
40
For each person:
– Write their name
– 1 symbol that stood out to you from their
mandala and what it represents to them
– 1 thing you liked about their mandala assignment
41
Reflection Questions:
• Fill out the reflection questions on your notes
sheet. Answer in complete sentences.
42
Reflection Questions:
• 1. What could you have done better to represent who you
are on the actual mandala and/or in the presentation
portion?
• 2. What was the most prominent symbol /group of symbols
in your Mandala? Is this topic able to be written in detail or
might it be difficult to write about?
• 3. Take your symbol that was the most prominent from
your Mandala and create a bubble map for this topic. What
is important to explain? How did it make you who you are
today? (6-10 bubbles )
43
Decisions, Decisions….
• Now that we have brainstormed for your
personal statement, it is time to decide on
topics for each question.
• On your worksheet, write a 1-3 sentence
description of the focus for each question.
44
Prompt 1 :
– Describe the world you come from – for example,
your family, community or school – and tell us how
your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
• Write your answer in “ Focus and Descriptive
sentence #1”:
45
Prompt #2:
– The University welcomes the contributions and
experience each student brings to the campus
learning community. This question seeks to
determine an applicant’s academic or creative
interests and potential to contribute to the vitality of
the University.
– Write your answer in “ Focus and Descriptive
sentence #2”:
46
Prompt #3:
– Is there anything you would like us to know about
you or your academic record that you have not had
the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this
application?
– Write your answer in “ Focus and Descriptive
sentence #3”:
47
Bubble Map
• For each statement:
– Bubble possible evidence you could mention to
support your answer
– Finish this for homework on the worksheet
provided
48
Bellwork March 21st:
• If I think back to why I wanted to attend college, I
cannot help but to acknowledge my computers
teacher from ninth grade. He wasn’t particularly
engaging nor did he bring the topic up often.
However, He told me that getting a 4.0 was the way
to getting into the college of my choice. At that point
in time, a high GPA and college was in my mind as my
own personal goal. Describe the events that led you
to your own goals ( for college and/or a specific
career). Who and/or what led you to these goals?
• 10-15 sentences
49
Mandala Presentations:
• Share the following:
– Write your name on the board for everyone
– What each symbol means and why you chose it (
Why one is central/ larger than others; what that
says about who you are…etc)
– What the other aspects of the mandala mean and
why you chose them ( colors? Shapes? The
outside of the circle? )
50
For each person:
– Write their name
– 1 symbol that stood out to you from their
mandala and what it represents to them
– 1 thing you liked about their mandala assignment
51
Look at the three sentences:
Star the one of MOST importance to you
– Note: this should not be #3
– The starred questions should receive 500-600
words
– The non-starred questions should receive 250-400
words
– Question #3 should receive 250 words or less
52
Blunders and Mistakes
• Get out a sheet of paper and set it up for
notes on common mistakes with personal
statements.
53
Mistake 1: Repetition
• The essay repeats information
contained elsewhere in the application
• the application already tells the
reader what clubs you have been in.
• Instead, talk about WHY you joined
these clubs or how these clubs allowed
your talents to be seen.
54
Example:
• In my junior year I was a cheerleader for my
school. I worked really hard at it, and found it to
be fun and challenging. I was also part of my
school's Kids in the Kitchen program, which
helped to make food available to poor people in
my community. Cheerleading and volunteer work
kept me very busy. I spent approximately twenty
hours each week cheering and another five hours
volunteering. I learned a lot from this experience
and can manage my time effectively and maintain
a positive attitude in the face of adversity.
55
Mistake 2:
• Complaining about your experiences rather
than explaining them.
• The admissions officers want to know how
resilient you are, how you overcame
obstacles… not that you have been defeated
by them.
56
Example:
• Because my mother is a single parent, she has
had to make a lot of sacrifices to keep me and
my brother in a private school. It means that we
have to go without a lot of things, which is
sometimes embarrassing. But even though
everyone in my school knows that we are poor, no
one is willing to give me a break. This is
especially true of my English teacher, Sister
Magdalena. Because she didn't like me, and she is
not comfortable with poor people, she gave me a
C in English when I really should have gotten a B
57
Mistake 3: Props
• The writer discusses money or a
college's ranking as a motivating factor
for applying to a particular
major/college
• Admissions officers want to hear a
deeper reason for your application,
they will assume this one is already in
place
58
Example:
• I want to study engineering because a
recent US News and World Report article
said that engineering is the fastestgrowing industry in the nation and the
best place to study engineering is UCLA.
With a degree in engineering, I will be
able to buy a house for my mom.
59
Mistake 4: Gimmiks
• The essay relies on gimmicks rather
than substance.
• This does not mean that you cannot
catch the reader’s attention, just make
sure you also have something to say…
not just fancy words.
60
Example:
• College, oh college/How much I want
thee/for college, oh college/will
strengthen me/and with a degree in
hand/I will change this land/and make a
better life for you and me. (This is
supposed to be a poem. )
61
Bellwork March 22nd:
• Silently do the following:
– Get out your notes page on personal statement
– Compile your bellwork for this week ( 4 answers).
Make sure your names is on each sheet
– Wait for instructions
62
Mistake 5:
• The essay contains mechanical errors
or errors of usage, clichés, or
meaningless prose
• Poorly written essays signal that you
are not familiar with good writing or d
not put time into your writing
63
Example:
• My father always told me that there is
nothing to fear but fear itself. (A cliché)
• A feeling of indescribable disbelief
overcame me. (Wordy prose)
64
Mistake 6: length
• The essay is too long or too short
• The goal is to show that you know how
to follow directions
• Too long: signals arrogance
• Too short: signals carelessness
• Total : 1000 words; you want to be as
close to this as humanly possibly while
still making sense.
65
Mistake 7: Thesuarisize
• Adding words from the thesauraus in an
attempt to sound smarter and using the words
inappropriately
• This displays a lack of vocabulary rather than a
variety
66
What do Good Essays DO?
• With all this talk of blunders, you might be
wondering what good essays do.
• Let’s jot down a couple qualities of good
essays.
67
Good Essays:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Are thoughtful and honest
Strive for depth, not breadth
Follow conventions of good writing
Follow guidelines
Answer the questions
Contain a catchy introduction and keep the
reader interested
• Transform blemishes into positives
• Demonstrate knowledge
• Exude confidence
68
Bellwork March 22nd:
• Silently do the following:
– Get out your notes page on personal statement
– Get out the example personal statement I handed
out yesterday
– Compile your bellwork for this week ( 4 answers).
Make sure your names is on each sheet
– Wait for instructions
69
Bellwork April 9th:
• Daisy and Gatsby had an awkward meeting in
the chapter we read yesterday. Describe an
awkward experience that you have been
involved in OR witnessed. 10-15 sentences
• * Please get out your personal statement
notes, handouts, brainstorms when you are
finished writing.
70
Good Essay Example:
•
•
•
•
What’s important to this applicant?
What qualities/characteristics define this
applicant?
Which of these qualities/characteristics is most
Which of these qualities/characteristics is most
prominent?
• Do these qualities appeal to you? Why?
• Rate this essay on a scale from 1 (poor) to 10
(excellent)
71
The actual statement
• We will be starting with question number 2
because it can help you set limits on question
number one
– THE QUESTION: Tell us about a personal quality,
talent, accomplishment, contribution or
experience that is important to you. What about
this quality or accomplishment makes you proud
and how does it relate to the person you are?
72
What is the point?
• AIM: This question seeks to determine an
applicant’s academic or creative interests and
potential to contribute to the vitality of the
University.
• Focus on how you will add to the university
campus.
73
Readers Want…
• Responses that get right to the point
• Organized responses ( 3 part)
• Specific, concrete examples and language
• Adherence to word restrictions
• Responses that complete the application
74
Readers Want…
• Organization and clarity, provided by a
persuasive thesis, analytical topic sentences,
well-chosen examples
• A response that supports and completes — by
clarifying and contextualizing — the
information in the application
75
3 part structure:
• Part 1: introductory paragraph
– provides your essay's controlling theme.
– Include:
• Hook
• Background
• Thesis Statement
76
Example Intro:
• Seventeen years ago, I came bounding into a world of love and laughter. I
was the first child, the first grandchild, the first niece, and the primary
focus of my entire extended family. Although they were not married, my
parents were young and energetic and had every good intention for their
new baby girl. I grew up with opportunities for intellectual and spiritual
growth, secure in the knowledge that I was loved, free from fear, and
confident that my world was close to perfect. And I was the center of a
world that had meaning only in terms of its effect on me-- what I could see
from a height of three feet and what I could comprehend with the intellect
and emotions of a child. This state of innocence persisted through my
early teens, but changed dramatically in the spring of my sophomore year
of high school; My beloved father was dying of AIDS and I would learn just
what I was made of through the experience of his death.
77
Example Intro:
• On September 16, 1990 I experienced the worst
feeling of my life the feeling of incompetence. It was
a feeling of indescribable disbelief. My mother, my
only parent, fell down the stairs of our home. It was
then that I knew that I had to become a doctor to
help people who were suffering like my mother. By
attending your college, I will be able to fulfill my
dream and to give back to my community through
medicine.
78
Example Intro:
• My father divorced us when I was in seventh grade.
At that time, I was going through what my mother
called my "difficult stage" because my world revolved
around school, friends and boys, and "family" was
often put on the back burner. I was unprepared for
the resulting family crisis; my father, the man who
nurtured my passion for art, literature and my love of
languages, would no longer be a part of my life. At
the time, I thought that I could not go on. Now I
realize that my father's rejection, while extremely
painful, gave me a resiliency and strength of
character that I did not previously know I possessed.
79
Start Intro:
• Hook
• Background
• Thesis Statement
80
Bellwork April 15th:
• “ One generation plants the trees; another
gets the shade.” –Chinese Proverb
• This proverb, which uses a simple metaphor to
express a big idea, applies to all generations.
Think about the way this applies to your
generation. Is this statement a true reflection
of reality for you personally, for society in
general? Describe the ways in which this
proverb could apply to your generation.
• Get out a half sheet of paper for a reading
check on chapter six
Reading Check: Chapter 6:
• In 3-5 sentences:
• Describe the end of chapter six. Who is
arguing with who? What does Gatsby expect
to happen/ hope to happen? Etc.
• Underline the phrase ( in your own words or
hers) that Gatsby wants Daisy to say.
82
Notes: Body
• The body paragraphs of your personal
statement will be where you develop the real
depth of who you are for the readers
• You need to follow a pattern in this writing:
– Patterns are useful ( tailors begin with standard
patterns before adding their own touches on a
fashion design. So it is with writers; you must start
with a good pattern).
83
Part II:
• 2. 2-4 body paragraphs :
– develop your theme through examples and
detailed experiences
– Does not need to follow essay body format
– However , you should include:
• Topic Sentences that expand your theme
• Examples that expand your theme/prove your point
• Transitions into the next paragraphs
84
Writing TIP:
• Avoid simplistic transitions between
paragraphs. If your topic sentences (generally
the first sentence in each paragraph) all begin
with some sort of numerical transition (first,
second, third, finally), or you find yourself
relying to heavily on "also" to move your
paragraphs forward, look for more interesting
and sophisticated transition words and
phrases to move the essay along.
85
Transitions
• Transitions will be very key to the writing of
your personal statement because it is the
most important stylistic skill you can master in
high school. (College board).
• Transitions create coherence and connections
– They are absolutely essential to smooth writing
that will impress admissions officers
– There are three rules to using them on the
following slides
86
Rule 1
• USE THEM! Use transitional expressions
• These words and phrases make connections
more clear to the reader
• EX: Ahab sees Moby Dick as his goal in life.
Likewise, Jay Gatsby sees Daisy as his goal.
87
Rule 2
• Repeat words and sentence structure to
create parallelism in your writing ON PURPOSE
to make a point
• Example:
– Ahab sees Moby Dick as his life goal. Likewise, Jay
Gatsby sees Daisy as his goal. (sentence structure)
– “…that government of the people, by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
( word)
88
Rule 3
• Use pronouns ( he, she, it, they) and ( this,
that) after you have introduced a specific
person/thing
• Example:
– “He that hath wife and children hath hostages to
fortune for they are impediments to great
enterprise…”
89
Example using transitions
• Listen to the example paragraph that uses
strong transitions.
• List transitional words you hear as I read.
• Use the handout as a resource for transition
words when writing your body paragraphs
90
Sequencing Tip :
• Begin with the least important evidence in
your first body paragraph and then build from
there.
• This is a persuasive technique to add emphasis
at the end to your most significant examples
91
Structure Basics
• Topic Sentence
• Examples
• Transition sentence
• * You can add to this structure as you see fit to
show your own personal writing style.
However, remain CLEAR and focused.
92
Example Body:
• From the moment my parents told me, I confronted emotions
and issues that many adults have never faced. Death of a
parent, and AIDS specifically, forced my view of the world and
my sense of responsibility to take a dramatic turn. I had
already accepted my father's homosexuality and had watched
through the years as he experienced both prejudice and
acceptance related to his sexual preference. However, in this
case I did not have the benefit of time to understand my
father's illness since he decided not to tell me until he had
developed full-blown AIDS. My role in the relationship was
suddenly reversed. Where I had once been the only child
of my single father, I was now the parent to the
debilitated child.
93
Body Summary
• 2-4 body paragraphs
– Topic Sentences
– Examples
– Transition Sentences ( and phrases)
– Begin writing your body paragraphs at this time.
Ask me any questions you have as I walk around
the room.
94
Bellwork April 19th:
95
Part II:
• 3. conclusion ( 1 sentence -1 paragraph)
– widens the lens ( Leaves the reader with
something big to think about)
– wraps up your essay without summarizing or
repeating what has already been written.
– Wow factor !
96
Conclusions are Crucial
• The conclusion is your last chance to persuade
the reader or impress upon them your
qualifications.
• avoid summary since the essay is rather short
to begin with; the reader should not need to
be reminded of what you wrote 300 words
before.
• do not use stock phrases like "in conclusion, in
summary, to conclude, etc."
97
Other ideas to conclude
– Expand upon the broader implications of your
discussion.
– Consider linking your conclusion to your
introduction to establish a sense of balance by
reiterating introductory phrases.
– Redefine a term used previously in your body
paragraphs.
– End with a famous quote that is relevant to your
argument. Do not try to do this, as this approach
is overdone. This should come naturally.
98
– Frame your discussion within a larger context or
show that your topic has widespread appeal.
– Remember, your essay need not be so tidy that
you can answer why your little sister died or why
people starve in Africa; you are not writing a "sitcom," but should forge some attempt at closure.
99
A Not so good example:
I hope that this has helped you see me more as
an individual. Whatever challenge is handed to
me I give it my best effort. If my goals are a little
far from my reach, I push harder. I know that if I
don't reach my destination, I will understand. I
will never quite and never think negatively. My
hopes and dreams may be similar to others, but
how I go about reaching my goals are different.
This difference between us all is what
determines our individuality.
100
Why is it no so good?
• Uses predictable language ( about goals and
dreams)
• It is too general ( could be at the end of
almost ANY personal statement)
101
A good Example:
With this compassion and experience comes an
even greater responsibility. Luke 12:48 tell us "To
whom much is given, of him will much be required."
As I move forward in my life, it is my hope that I can
begin to see other people from two vantage points:
theirs and mine. By doing this, I will begin to
understand that with my every position or emotion
there may be someone else standing at an equally
valid, yet possibly opposite point. And that life, for
them, has a different hue.
102
Why is it good?
• Connects directly to the topic disussed in body
paragraphs ( not too general)
• Broadens the lens beyond the topic at hand (
she references thinking of her future)
• Ties up the essay neatly making it feel
concluded
103
Summary:
• 3. conclusion ( 1 sentence -1 paragraph)
– widens the lens ( Leaves the reader with
something big to think about)
– wraps up your essay without summarizing or
repeating what has already been written.
– Wow factor !
– Begin writing your conclusion now. ROUGH DRAFT
is DUE MONDAY ( for question two).
104
Sample personal statement:
• 1. What’s important to this applicant?
• 2. What qualities/characteristics define this
applicant?
• 3. Which of these qualities/characteristics is
most prominent?
• 4. Do these qualities appeal to you? Why?
• 5. Rate this essay on a scale from 1 (poor) to
10 (excellent)
105
Read chapter Five
• Turn to chapter five in your book:
• 1. Describe the way Gatsby acts before Daisy
appears.
• 2. Describe the emotional state of Daisy and
Gatsby after their talk.
• 3. Why does Daisy Cry ? Describe the
situation.
• 4. List evidence of each character’s moral
values in this chapter.
106
Preparing students to write
http://professionals.collegeboard.com/guidance/applications/essay
107
Necessary Skills
• Think critically: even though students will be
writing about themselves, they need to step
back and look at their experiences from the
outside
• Write analytically: writing analytically means
answering “why?”
• Follow a writing process: brainstorming,
drafting, feedback, revising, proofreading
108
Important Strategies
• Think like an admissions reader
• Choose the extended prompt strategically
• Know the difference between a short-answer
response and an extended response
109
You Can Help Students…
• Understand the role of the personal statement in the
admissions process
• Recognize the relationship between reader and
writer
• Understand the reading and writing tasks of the
personal statement
• Use a writing process
• Obtain appropriate feedback
110
Before Writing, Students Should…
• Prepare a writing timeline
• Complete the UC application
• Use the “Levels of Questions” strategy for the
application
• Determine the extended-response question
111
Why ask questions of the application?
– Important to think critically about the
application’s content
– Helps students recognize personal and academic
experiences as worthy of reflection and analysis
– Connects the issues raised by the application to
the responses provided in the personal statement
– Helps students fulfill the reader/writer pact
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The Reader-Writer Relationship
•
When readers read critically (as admissions
readers will do), they are asking questions, making
observations and constructing interpretations of the
information they are reading.
•
A writer fulfills the pact with the reader by
addressing these questions, observations and
interpretations in the personal statement. Students
can anticipate many of these questions,
observations and interpretations by becoming
critical readers of their own completed applications.
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Levels of Questions Strategy
• Level one: What does it
say?
• Answers to L1 questions
provide details in
paragraphs
• Level two: What does it
mean?
• Answers to L2 questions
are topic sentences of
paragraphs
• Level three: Why/how
does it matter?
• Answers to L3 questions
are thesis statements of
essays
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From Prompt to Topic to Thesis
• Understand the key terms in the rationale
statement and question
• Students should know their own questions and
possible questions readers may raise
• Develop a topic — the subject area — that will be
discussed in the response
• Draft a thesis — a point of view on the topic that
addresses “why”
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Question/Topic/Thesis Example
Our question: How have you taken
advantage of the educational
opportunities you have had to prepare
for college?
Your topic: The role of Pre-College
Academy in academic preparation
Your thesis: Asserts why and
how PCA was a significant
preparation experience
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Determine Response Topics
• What topic will each response focus on?
– One topic per prompt!
• Is this topic the most persuasive? Does it answer the
most pressing questions related to this prompt?
• The prompt with the most questions associated with
it should be the extended response.
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Short-Answer Strategies
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Readers Want…
• Responses that get right to the point
• Specific, concrete examples and language
• Adherence to word restrictions
• Responses that complete the application
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Tips for Short-Answer Reponses
• Avoid irrelevant
• Make sure each sentence
background information
advances
the argument
• Understand meaning of
• Avoid a collection of facts
key words
or examples
• Ensure that response
• Use concrete details and
addresses what the
make them clear, rich and
prompt asks for
meaningful
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Extended-Response Strategies
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Thesis Statements
• Concession (optional)
• The “but” to the “yes”
• Assertion
• The argument
• Reasons
• The synthesis of supporting
points
– Although…
– This…
– Because…
• Significance
• The “so what” of the
argument; implications
– As a result…
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Sample Thesis — Prompt 2 (Extended)
Although I do not plan to major in veterinary science,
my experiences raising and caring for animals have
helped me understand how important animals are to
human well-being. Because I have seen the result of
human disregard for other forms of life, I am better
able to appreciate the importance of ethical
treatment for all. As a result, I will be able to
contribute my knowledge of animal preservation and
my skill as an organizer to the campus environment.
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Writing Process
• Brainstorm using levels of questions
• Draft
• Get feedback — give readers at least a week
to respond
• Revise for organization, clarity and meaning
• Proofread
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How to Give Feedback to Students
• Request the application and the personal
statement, not just the statement
• Ask students to provide you with a list of
questions they would like you to answer
• Comment on ideas and the level of
persuasiveness, not grammar
• Help students find readers who resemble their
target audience
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Additional Resources for Students
• Online UC Personal Statement Tutorial for
Students at www.ucgateways.org
– Six lessons that guide students through
brainstorming, drafting, getting feedback and
revising
– Activities to help students start early and stay on
task
– Developed by EAOP admissions preparation
specialists
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