Family
Communication
William Berry, LMHC
 Communication is to a
relationship what breathing is to
life
 Virginia Satir
Video on couple communication
viewed at this link:
Video
Talking
 The average amount of words spoken a day is
16,000. (Mehl, M; Vazire, S; Ramírez-Esparza, N; Slatcher, R;
Pennebaker, J)
 But do we actually hear one another?
 Carl Rogers, a prominent psychology theorist
and practitioner, stated that “when I take the
gamble, the risk, of sharing something that is
very personal with another individual and it is
not received and not understood, this is a very
deflating and lonely experience.”
 80-90% of waking hours include communication. (Beebe,
Beebe, & Redmond; 2011)
 This includes passive communication, such as radio or
television.
 We spend 60% of our time listening. (Treasure, J., 2011)
 We retain only 25% of what we hear. (Treasure, J., 2011)
Communication
90
80
70
60
50
40
30
20
10
0
Communication
 Over 86% of couples or families in counseling identify
communication as one of the issues. (Beebe, Beebe, &
Redmond; 2011)
Percentage
Communication
Children
Sex
Money
Leisure
Percentage
Relatives
Infidelity
Housekeeping
Physical Abuse
Other
0
20
40
60
80
100
Family Communication
 Families have spoken and, more
predominately, unspoken rules about
communication.
 The exercise can illuminate some of your
family’s patterns of communication.
(Redmond;
2008)
Family Communication
According to John Caughlin healthy family
communication consists of:
 Openness
 Politeness
 Maintenance of
 Discipline
 Expression of
 Humor
structural stability
affection
 Emotional /
instrumental
support
 Mind reading
 Regular routine
interaction
 Avoidance of hurtful
topics

(Beebe, Beebe, &
Redmond; 2011)
Relational Issues:
Marriage
 John Gottman (1994) identified what he
called the Four Horseman of the
Apocalypse, which indicated the health of
a marriage:
 Criticism-complaints are okay, they address
behavior. Criticism addresses the person’s
character. An excellent example is “What is wrong
with you?”.
 Contempt-According to Gottman contempt is a
sarcastic and cynical approach, eye rolling,
belligerence, and mockery.
Relational Issues:
Marriage (cont.)
 The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse,
continued:
 Defensiveness-often blames the other, saying it isn’t
me, it’s you.
 Stonewalling- the result of escalation of the other
“horsemen” eventually results in one (or both)
“tuning the other out”.
Relational Issues:
Adolescence
 Many researchers believe the goal of family
relations is a democratic and intimate
relationship.
 However, the differing goals of parents and
adolescent lead to “incompatible aims
which make inconsistency inescapable.”
 (Solomon, Y; Warin, J; Lewis, C: and Langford,
W)
Relational Issues:
Adolescence
 The majority of disagreements occur because
“teenagers and parents define the issues of
contention differently” (Steinberg, pg. 121).
 Parents: right and wrong
 Teens: issues of choice
 “Adolescents whose parents attempt to regulate
what they believe are personal issues are more
likely to describe their parents as being overly
controlling.” (Steinberg, pg. 122).
Relational Issues:
Adolescence
 Despite the common stereotype of
adolescent years being full of tumult:
 The stereotype is inaccurate and partly a
result of books focusing on the difficulties
rather than normative development.
 Studies indicate the more parents expect
adolescence to be troublesome and that
their teen will be, the worse the relationship
becomes.
Relational Issues:
Adolescence
 Adolescents appear to do best when they
grow up in a family atmosphere that
permits the development of individuality
against a backdrop of close family ties.
(Steinberg, pg. 132)
Relational Issues, (cont.)
 Reparation
 How do you handle disagreements / conflict?
 What are your repair attempts?
 Do you take breaks to deescalate?
 Do you joke, or apologize, or simply say I love
you?
Listening
 “Conscious Listening creates understanding.”
 (Treasure, J., 2011)
 Julian Treasure identifies four ways to improve
interpersonal listening:
 R-receive- pay attention to the speaker.
 A-appreciate- allow your speaker to realize you are
listening and appreciate what he / she is saying through
making noises.
 S-summarize- rephrase, “what I hear you saying is…”
 A-ask- ask questions afterward.
Conflict
 In a healthy, normal, romantic relationship,
conflict occurs approximately 2x a week.
 The longer you know someone, the more
likely conflict is to arise.
 (Beebe, Beebe, Redmond; 2011)
 Communicating in anger is often
counterproductive.
10
physical
9
8
physical
behavioral
cognitive
cognitive
7
6
5
4
physical
3
2
1-3 Irritated, Frustrated
4-7 Anger
8-10 Rage
behavioral
behavioral
cognitive
1
Conflict Styles
 The exercise can help you determine your
most common conflict management styles.
Since the focus of this
seminar is family,
• Instead of “Same
Sex Friend”, use
“Sibling” or one of
your children. (If
neither apply, use a
friend).
• Instead of “Opposite
Sex Friend” use
another child or
sibling.
• If you prefer use
“Partner” instead of
“Parent”.
(Redmond; 2008)
Conflict Styles
 David Johnson uses animals to describe
how people deal with conflict. (Goud,
2009)
 Although multiple methods are generally
used, people sometimes over rely on one,
and use it at inappropriate times.
Conflict Styles
 The Turtle- withdrawals from conflict / Avoidant.
 The Teddy Bear- Soothes the conflict /
Accommodation.
 The Shark- Wants his goals realized no matter
what. Competition
 The Fox- Compromises, gives a little, gets a little.
 The Owl- problem solves. Finds a way for all to
get what they want. Collaboration.
Conflict Style
12
10
8
Relationship 6
4
2
0
0
2
4
Goals
6
8
10
12
Conflict Styles
Passive Aggressive
Passive
Manipulative
Assertive
Aggressive
Conflict Resolution
 Use I statements
 Make sure you make eye contact
 Listen, demonstrate interest, don’t just
think of defense.
 The power of taking personal responsibility,
saying I’m sorry or I love you.
 Useful to express underlying feeling
Conflict Resolution
 Slow everything down.
 Mindfulness
 Be watchful of voice tone and level.
 What is the other individuals real message?
 Rather than reacting out of conditioned
responses, be mindful of who you want to be
in the situation
Summary
 Healthy communication brings benefits to
relationships and to one’s sense of wellbeing.
 Conflict is a normal part of life, and there
are ways to deal with it effectively.
 Communication patterns within families
are usually well worn, and it is easy to slip
into patterns which have been detrimental.
Summary
 Mindfulness, bringing and keeping the
desired change into consciousness as much
as possible, is the beginning of change.
 Be aware of the change you want to make,
and focus on bringing that change into
interactions.
Summary
 Change is difficult, and it is expected one
will slip into old patterns.
 But don’t allow that to lead to giving up.
 Any positive change is beneficial.
References
 Beebe, S.A; Beebe, S.J; Redmond, M; 2011;
Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others,
Sixth Ed.
 Goud, N; 2009; Psychology and Personal Growth.
 Gottman, J; 1994; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.
 Headley, J; 2013; It’s not about the nail. Funny or die.
Retrieved from:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/70ca308603/it-snot-about-the-nail
References
 Mehl, M; Vazire, S; Ramírez-Esparza, N; Slatcher, R;
Pennebaker, J; Are Women Really More Talkative
Than Men?; Retrieved from
http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/faculty/p
ennebaker/reprints/MehletalScience2007.pdf
 Redmond, M; 2008; Skillbuilder Workbook for Beebe
Beebe and Redmond Interpersonal Communication:
Relating to Others
 Rogers, Carl. 1969. Freedom to learn
References
 Solomon, Y; Warin, J; Lewis, C: and Langford, W;
Intimate talk between parents and their teenage
children: democratic openness or covert control;
Sociology, 2002, 36:4 965–983
 Steinberg, L; 2011; Adolescence, Ninth Ed.
 Treasure, J; 2011; 5 ways to listen better; TED Talks.
Retrieved from:
http://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to
_listen_better.html