CONFRONTATION
& CONFLICT
Every relationship experiences
conflict at some time
Conflicts are inevitable in a close
relationship like marriage.
They are not a disaster.
They can be an opportunity
for growth in the relationship
*We have some suggestions for
avoiding conflict, and for dealing
with conflict.
How we handle it will differ from
person to person: becoming silent,
slinking away, losing your temper,
even throwing things!
Some couples say they never argue.
But that doesn’t mean they never
experience conflict.
These ARE ways of avoiding
conflict – but they damage the
relationships, especially intimacy,
in the long run.
They perhaps bury their
differences, or seek peace at
any price.
Peace comes AT A PRICE.
The price in some cases is
the death of
the relationship
There is nothing wrong with conflict: it is
to be expected. CONFLICTS arise
because of differences in outlook,
expectations, issues, etc.
Issues need to be CONFRONTED
A good row is a way of recognizing our
differences and clearing the air. But it
can be destructive. It all depends on the
way you argue
*Hurts are inevitable. It is not
necessarily the gravity of the issue.
Even trivial incidents can cause deep
hurt in the love relationship of
marriage because of the depth of
feelings and the sense of hurt, let
down or betrayal
Buried hurts fester away.
Because they are not shared,
your partner may be
unaware of them and repeat
the offending behaviour.
Something that starts small
can then assume huge
proportions.
As a result they
may question
making a lifelong commitment
to this person
Lesser hurts may be
overlooked, but if repeated
they can lead a person to
question the love and
commitment of their partner
to
the relationship.
If you are made aware of your
behaviour, or attitudes, or
aspects of your person, which
continually create distance you
should be willing to discuss
them
(e.g. lack of
sensitivity within
your sexual
relationship,
hygiene, attitudes
towards money, etc)
Willingness to change
out of love for their
partner, is an indicator
of how committed
each person is to
creating the best kind
of relationship
So hurts are best faced up
to and confronted, not
buried away.
Nagging and constant criticism
destroy relationships. You
haven’t married the perfect
woman and you are not the
perfect man.
In religious terms, we are
all ‘sinners’ – which means
we all ‘miss the mark’ at
times
*YOU CAN’T CHANGE
ANYONE
– EXCEPT YOURSELF!
However, if your partner sees
you changing and sees it is good
for your relationship they are
more likely to change
Every disagreement
faced up to, and
sorted out, is a
growing point that
enables you to move on
*CONFLICT is not a
disaster: it’s a challenge to
grow; a growth point
in a relationship
Doctors can’t help until you tell them
the symptoms. Don’t expect your
partner to read your mind or how you
feel until you tell them.
By uncovering your feelings about
how things are in your marriage,
family or friendships you give
permission to the other person to
uncover theirs.
*HOW CAN YOU HEAL
THESE HURTS?
By FORGIVENESS –
A process that requires
action by both persons.
Recognise the hurt you have
caused, even unintentionally, and
take responsibility for it.
Don’t let pride (unwillingness to
say ‘please forgive me’); anger,
resentment, winning the
argument, proving you were
right and other negative attitudes
get in the way of reconciliation.
Sometimes people prefer to win
the argument to staying
in relationship.
Sometimes the issue is trivial but it may concern values,
principles or things that a person
considers to be part of their
identity as a person (e.g. religious
belief or matters of justice)
Ask your partner to forgive you.
You have no automatic right to
forgiveness.
It is not always possible to
‘forgive and forget’, especially if
the hurt was deep. It takes time
– but forgiveness is possible, and
necessary, or it will continue to
damage the relationship.
We need to ask God to help us
heal the memory
*REASONS WHY WE FIND IT
HARD TO FORGIVE:
Perhaps we harbour
bitterness
There could be a
history of
previous hurt…
…it may be
fear of
being
vulnerable…
Revealing your hurts may
give your partner ‘clues’
where they can hurt you, or
put pressure on you, etc
There may be jealousy or a fear
of being taken over.
A marriage
without
forgiveness
will fail.
To forgive is A DECISION TO
LOVE – rising above feelings of
hurt etc and reaching out to the
other person in love
*A useful tip: It is never
enough to say “I’m sorry.”
You need to say “I’m sorry.
Please forgive me”.
This transfers the control to
the other person, the one
who has been hurt. You
have to wait for them to
forgive you.
*What facilitates reconciliation is
to say:
“I’m sorry, please forgive me for
my part in this.”
There is always something of
‘me’ that has contributed to
the present situation, so it is
not insincere to say this.
What is more, this avoids
blaming and criticism.
Avoid turning a conflict
into a battleground
You are not enemies!
You are lovers trying
to resolve issues
that surface in your
relationship.
These are due to all the
‘baggage’ each of you
brings into your
relationship because of your
different family, personal,
and relationship history.
CREATIVE
CONFLICT
Conflict can be a growth
point in a relationship
Here are some
suggestions for
resolving conflict:
Issues are often trivial.
But sometimes they are
important, because of one
or both person’s values,
culture or religious
upbringing.
If trivial stop now and
make up!
Are you trying to win the
argument, or prove you
were/are right?
NOW what’s
she done!!
male
error
The feelings you are
experiencing have not been
caused by your partner.
They may have triggered
something in you.
They are YOUR feelings.
What you see, hear, smell, taste
and touch ‘triggers’ both
positive and negative thoughts
and feelings in you because of
your baggage.
The feelings arise
spontaneously. You have no
control over their coming.
But you are responsible for
what you do with them.
If negative feelings eg anger,
resentment, jealousy, fear,
sadness persist you have the
responsibility to share them
with your partner, without
blaming them or criticizing
them.
Conflict can be creative.
It can add to your selfawareness, and deepen
your relationship if you DIALOGUE with
your partner.
We are now going to give you an opportunity
to use this dialogue process
THE DIALOGUE PROCESS
Write down your thoughts
and feelings about the topic
or issue that you think is
creating distance between
you, especially the feelings.
When writing use ‘I’
messages:
I think…
I did…
I judge…
It’s about YOU.
Don’t blame or criticize.
Write down your thoughts
and feelings
Read what your partner has
written, without comment.
Then feed back to them (tell them)
what things you judge you are
both agreed on.
Decide TOGETHER: what is the
real area of disagreement?
To what extent do you think
your own feelings, behaviour
and attitudes with regard to
this issue might be due to
your ‘parent tapes’
and/or your expectations, religious
upbringing, values?
‘Parent Tapes’ - your parents’
ideas, behaviour and attitudes
still ‘playing’ in your mind
and imagination.
Are your ‘parent tapes’
having a negative effect on
your relationship?
Acknowledging this does not
mean you are blaming your
parents.
Are you making adult choices for
your life and relationship?
Can you think of any
personal experience that
might have triggered the
feelings and attitudes you
have with regard to this
issue?
Any experience from your
childhood, involving your parents,
other family members, or other
people?
Past relationships?
Your religious upbringing or
values?
Do you think you should share
them with your partner? Do you
trust them enough?
What changes could YOU make to
your own attitudes or behaviour
that might help resolve the
conflict?
Discuss your answers to this
question together.
In resolving conflict, compromise may be necessary.
Decide when you are going to review
the decision(s) you have made
You will find this process in the ‘going away’ present
we will give you at the end of the day.
*Here are some words on
this from St Paul’s letter to the
Christians at Colossus
(Chapter 3 verses 12-15)
“You are God’s chosen race, his saints; he
loves you, and you should be clothed in
sincere compassion, in kindness and
humility, gentleness and patience . Bear
with one another; forgive each other as
soon as a quarrel begins.”
“The Lord has forgiven you;
now you must do the same.
Over all these clothes, to keep
them together and complete
them put on love. And may the
peace of Christ reign in your
hearts, because it is for this that
you were called together as parts
of one body.”
For Catholics:
The Sacrament of
Reconciliation (Confession)
provides an opportunity to
experience God’s forgiveness
for hurt caused.