M4L 2013 Lesson 8:
What is the key to better relationships?
Learn why other people matter.
© Paul T. P. Wong, PhD, CPsych
Overview
• Personal responsibility for our own well-being
• Our well-being depends on relationships
• Our hell comes from communication failure &
broken relationships
• Other people matter: from ME to WE
• Habitual vs. Purposeful Responses
• The PURE way to build better relationships
Personal responsibility for well-being
• Take full responsibility
for our own lives
• Find our true self
• Create our own future
• Regulate our emotions
• Control our behavior
• Do what is right
• Maintain good
relationships
Social responsibility
Have you forgotten what you
learned in kindergarten?
We are made for each other.
Our brains are relational.
"Interpersonal relationships
that are attuned to promote
the growth of integrative
fibers in the brain. It is
these regulatory fibers that
enable the embodied brain
to function well and for the
mind to have a deep sense
of coherence and wellbeing.”
Daniel Siegel "Mindsight"
We create hell for each other.
Three Main Causes of
Interpersonal Conflicts
1. Self-centered pursuits
without understanding the
other person’s needs
2. Failure in communication
3. Failure to manage one’s
own emotions & shadows
We still use our primitive brains to
communication with each other.
We’re critical of others because of
our own insecurity & shadows.
Bad Relational Habits
• Hurting people hurt others
• Unhappy people complain a lot
• Lying to cover up our mistakes
• Blame others for failure and claim credit for
success
• Dispositional attribution about others
• Walk away from difficult people or situations
What is the leading cause of divorce?
Gottman: The 4 horsemen of
Apocalypse
Why Other People Matter
• The ME is WE -- family, friends & community
• We all belong to the human family
• We are all bearers of the image of God
• Our well-being depends on relating well to people
• The good life depends on balancing personal needs
with the common good
• The golden rule is a universal basis for justice and
morality and foundation for the good life
From ME to WE is the key.
Buber’s I-Thou relationship
I
Thou
it
New Ways of Relating
• Intentionally guard against habitual responses
• Intentionally seek to listen & understand
• Intentionally control your emotional reaction
• Intentionally practice meaning-centered
communication
• Intentionally practice the PURE way to
relationships
Meaning-Centered Communication Style
• Seeks to understand the other’s perspective
• Shows appreciation and validation to the other
• Expresses one's own need without accusing the other
• Communicates trust and understanding
• Attempts win-win solutions
• Reaches out to help and support the other
• Talks about common interests and shared goals
• Tells the truth with love
Shared Purpose
• Do you share the same core values & moral
principles?
• What is your ideal of a fulfilling life? What is your
spouse’s?
• What are the activities do you enjoy doing together?
• What do you want to accomplish together now?
• Do you share the same priorities in planning for the
future?
Mutual Understanding
• Do you know what is troubling your spouse right now?
• Do you know what still keeps you together in spite of the
conflicts you have experienced together?
• What is the most frequent trigger to marital quarrels?
Why?
• Do you know each other’s aspirations and dreams?
• What is the most serious unresolved issue between the
two of you? Why has it been left unresolved to this date?
Responsible Action
• Do you blame your spouse for problems?
• Do you keep your promises?
• Do you readily admit your mistakes and apologize?
• Do you frequently forgive each other’s mistakes?
• Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone and do
something to make your partner happy?
Enjoy Each Other
Conclusion
• What makes life worth living is family, friends,
and serving the common good.
• Other people matter more than possessions,
position & power
• Change habitual responses to intentional
responses
• Apply the PURE principle to build relationships