The Language of Compassion
A Key to Nonviolent
Communication (NVC)
Presented by Marcia Christen,
Certified Trainer with the
Center for Nonviolent
Communication
Tools for Resilience and
Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Out beyond right and wrong there is
a field…..I’ll meet you there.
- Rumi
What are you wanting
from today?
Why did you come today?
• Learning
Contribution
• Community
Help & Support
• Connection
• Fun
• To be Heard
• Hope
• Understanding
Resilience
• Ability to recover quickly from setbacks
• Ability to spring back quickly into shape
after being bent, stretched or deformed
(in regards to matter).
• Resilience means having security – being
able to self-regulate (bounce back), have
pro-social behavior -have relationships,
be able to give empathy to self and
others, and have a positive sense of
themselves.
To have resilient children,
prepared for the challenges of the world
today, able to recover quickly and bounce
back, we as parents or caregivers
need to be:
GROUNDED, RESILIENT adults
who can model this for children,
and help children self-regulate
(return to a state of calm).
Daniel Siegel, MD, clinical
Psychiatrist at UCLA
“The feeling of being connected gives
children a sense of security and
supports their exploration of their own
emotions and the world around them.”
(supports them having resilience) .
Attachment theorists and
experts say:
“What the developing brains and nervous
systems of babies, children and youth
need is physical contact and
emotional nurturance-- resonant
empathy- from parents and
caregivers, an attuned response that
helps them thrive and develop selfregulating neural networks and help
them feel secure in the world.”
What do children need to be
resilient?
• Connection with a grounded adult
• Resonance with how they are feeling
(empathy)
• Adults who move away from reliance on
judgment, criticism, blame and labeling
but instead express themselves in ways
that can be heard by expressing what’s
important to them – what they value.
How Can Nonviolent Communication
(a.k.a. Compassionate Communication)
support resilience?
Nonviolent communication provides:
• Skills for self-connection, self-awareness &
clarity (being “grounded”).
• Consciousness of prioritizing connection
• A way to give resonant empathy to our
children and teens.
• A “map” for speaking & listening that leads to
connection and understanding.
The PART we play as parents
•
•
•
•
•
•
Presence
Attention & attunement
Resonance & recognition
Empathy
Nurturing
Time and trust
Dr. Siegel’s Four S’s of
Attachment
•
•
•
•
Seen
Safe
Soothed, which all lead to
Security (and security leads to
resilience)
He advocates for Sensitive care-giving
Four Ways of Hearing and
Speaking
Habits of Judgment
Focused on what
what’s wrong with
us and with others
Habits of the Heart
Focused on
connecting with
ourselves and
with others
intention
attention
flow
Empathically
Listening
Expressing
myself
life
of
Connecting
with myself
present
connection
What do you value?
What’s important
to you?
UNIVERSAL NEEDS
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
To know you matter
To be heard
Clarity
Inclusion/Belonging To be seen for Choice
Respect
our intentions
Ease
Meaningful work
Safety
Peace
Love
Community
Reassurance
Consideration
Learning
Integrity
Kindness
Help & support
Trust
Understanding
Health
Creativity
Key Assumptions and
Principles of NVC
1.
1.
3.
4.
5.
6.
All Actions are Attempts to Meet Needs –
Everything we say or do is to meet a need
Move Beyond Right/Wrong, Good/Bad/judgments
Human Needs are Universal
Everyone’s Needs Matter Equally
Feelings Result from Needs Being Met or
Unmet (No one MAKES us feel)
We have conflict at the level of strategies
not Needs.
Empathy is listening for feelings (emotions
not thoughts) and Needs (not strategies).
Dr. Daniel Siegel
“Adults who have mindsight, who
can express their awareness of
the internal events within
themselves and in others, appear
to have (the coherence of mind
that…) is correlated with having a
child who thrives.”
Translation practice
• Think of something you don’t enjoy
• Your Needs:
• Their Needs
Practice Exercise:
a simple form of empathy
• In groups of 2s or 3s
• Speaker - Thinks of a challenging situation –
• Takes 1 to 2 min. to explain the situation (don’t have
to include all the back story).
• Says their feelings (actual emotions if you can)
• Listener: Guesses what’s important to the speaker in
this situation. What they value, what their Universal
Needs are. Says these to the other person.
• Use list if needed.
• Then switch.
Self-Empathy
Listening to ourselves with an open heart with the aim of
understanding and connecting with what’s alive in us, especially
with our feelings and needs
Core Question:
How am I feeling,
& what am I
needing?
© 2007 Inbal Kashtan
Gifts of Self-Empathy
• Understanding ourselves
• “Cool down” moment before taking
action
• Making choices in line with our values
• Building a trusting relationship with
ourselves
• Meeting our own needs for self-care
and compassion
• Modeling choice for our children
© 2007 Inbal Kashtan
Empathy
Listening to people with an open
heart with the aim of
understanding and connecting with
them, especially by understanding
their feelings and needs
Empathy
Sympathy
Reassurance
Advice
© 2007 Inbal Kashtan
Empathy
• Resonance comes when we have a sense someone really “gets” us,
hears our feelings and needs, without judgment, or trying to
make the experience or feeling go away.
• Children need resonant empathy to feel secure.
• Empathy is the respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.
• The key element of empathy is to be present to whatever the other person is
experiencing.
• Empathy is NOT, either, blaming yourself by taking on
the ‘message’ or blaming and judging the other person.
• In NVC no matter what words people use–we are listening for feelings and needs, and
what this person is requesting to enrich their life.
• Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs or
express their pain.
NVC Tree of Life:
3 Options for Connection
Connecting with what’s
alive in you:
Are you feeling…
because you need…?
(Would you like…?)
Communicating
what’s alive in me:
When I see/hear…
I feel…
because I need…
Would you be
willing to…?
Connecting with what’s alive in
me:
How am I feeling?
What am I needing?
Which option do I want to focus on
next?
© 2007 Inbal Kashtan
How does focusing on Needs
support connection?
• Gives clarity (contributes to us being grounded) and aids in our
children gaining clarity
• Open our hearts
• Helps us “own” our stuff
• Helps us really hear our children
• Helps us provide a grounding for our children
• Promotes Good will
• Increases trust
• Helps us contribute to our children knowing they matter
• Helps them hear us
• We can find solutions that are more likely to succeed by meeting
needs of everyone
• Contributes to less reactivity
• Opens up ours and our children’s inner wisdom
• ** provides our children with resonant empathy that leads to security
Empathy for joy!
Empathy for “positive” feelings
It’s much easier to guess what needs are up
when our children express happiness and
joy! Great practice for us!
It’s very meaningful to know what’s
important to us when it IS happening so
we can repeat it!
"[Nonviolence] is a force that works
silently and apparently slowly. In
reality, there is no force in the world
that is so direct or so swift in working.”
“Be the change you want to see in the
world.”
Gandhi
© 2007 Inbal Kashtan
REQUEST
• Please don’t practice this “on” your
teenager or child until you’re more
fluent.
• Practice with a friend, a group, your
partner, etc.
• Help prevent “NVC allergy”.
What you can do:
• THIS WEEK
When you experience something you don’t
enjoy with your child notice within you
what you are feeling and what’s
important to you (your needs).
Notice how this feels.
Notice your intention – to advise, fix,
punish, educate or to connect.
RIGHT NOW – write down other ideas
for prioritizing connection
Suggested additional learning:
• Take an introductory workshop:
Coming up: Strengthening Relationships: A Foundation in
Nonviolent Communication, Bainbridge Bodhi Center. 8 week
series, Sundays, 7-9pm, starting March 3rd. Or have a workshop
come to your group.
Register & pay today and get a $20 discount!
Check my website www.compassionate-language.com for more classes &
trainings. Subscribe to my email notifications.
• Read: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall
Rosenberg. This also has a workbook.
• Read Parenting From Your Heart by Inbal Kashtan
• Read Hold Onto Your Kids & Parenting from the Inside Out
• Online resources: www.cnvc.org, www.nvcacademy.org,
www.nwcompass.org, www.youtube.com – telecourses, local
trainings, articles, practice groups, downloads, trainers, etc.
• Join a practice group – on-line or in person.
• Get an empathy buddy to practice with.
The Most Important Tips for
Relationships with Teenagers
1.
Self-empathy! Guess your feelings and needs/VALUES.
What am I feeling and what is important to me here?
We need to be grounded! All children need attachment to one grounded adult, especially
teenagers.
2.
Separate yourself and Quit Taking It Personally!(Q-TIP)
This is not about you, it’s about what’s going on with them (and their amygdala!) – their needs.
3.
4.
Get Empathy! (not advice or consoling) Someone who really listens to you and what’s going on
for you. First 3 are part of putting your oxygen mask on first.
EMPATHIZE with your children!
Guess their feelings and needs. Give them resonance and security.
Guess what it is that’s important to them.
Helps them self-regulate and connect to their values. It helps them move from their amygdala
(emotional center) to the thinking part of their brain.
Give empathy for happiness
5.
Remember W.A.I.T.
Why Am I Talking? - to control, to lecture, to fix, to change someone, to make them feel
better so I’ll feel better, or to connect? SPEAK in feelings and needs and doable requests.
Or What am I telling myself? What is my story, assumption, evaluation, judgment?
Does is strengthen this connection?
Keep in mind that this relationship is more important than any one behavioral change.
Thank you!