Presented by the Hudson Middle School
Counseling Staff
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Love and logic is a common sense approach to
raising children that provides parents with easyto-learn skills that create respect, responsibility,
and good decision-making in youth.
Love allows children to grow through their
mistakes.
Logic allows children to live with the
consequences of their choices.
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Rule #1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without
anger, lecture, threats, or repeated warnings.
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Adults set limits that are enforceable.
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Adults provide choices within limits to share control and thinking.
Rule #2: When children misbehave and cause problems,
adults hand these problems back in loving ways.
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Adults provide strong doses of empathy before holding children
accountable for the consequences of such mistakes.
Adults delay consequences, when necessary, so that they can
respond with wisdom and compassion.
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Step One: Give the child a task he/she can
handle.
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For best results, have the child describe in
his/her own words how things will look when
the task is finished
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Step Two: Hope that the child “blows” it.
Opportunity for “real world” learning
experience
 Cost of learning less at this age
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Step Three: Let equal parts of consequence
and empathy do the teaching.
Reduces chances of adult expressing anger
 Empathy reduces likelihood that child will
spend time thinking about adult’s anger instead
of on their own decisions
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Step Four: Give the same task again.
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Sends the message that people learn from their
mistakes
Control that is Shared
Ownership of the Problem
Opportunity for Thinking/Decision Making
Let Consequences and Empathy Do the
Teaching
See Handout “16” in your Parent Packet
 “A child who feels he has some control over his life will spend
little time and energy trying to manipulate and control the
parent.”
 Love and Logic allows parents to share control with their
children on their terms.
But what does this look like?
See Handout “17” in your Parent Packet
 You can give your child some level of control in his life by giving
him the ability to choose between different options.
 The Key to sharing this control is to make either choice
acceptable to you as well as a viable option for your child.
We cannot use threats!
Only present choices that force your child to actually think
and weigh his options. This will allow him to make a rational
decision vs. reacting to a threat.
But what does this look like?
See Handout “19” in your Parent Packet
 Find wording that is comfortable to you.
Remember, each choice has to be equally acceptable to you.
You must be willing to follow through with either choice.
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Let’s here from the experts.
“A child who knows his problems are the concern of another, concerns
himself with none of the problems.”
Who Owns the Problem?
Parenting Styles can decide who owns the problem.
•Helicopter
•Drill Sergeants
•Consultants
How to Guide Children to Own and Solve Their Problems
Helicopter parents hover, rescue, and protect.
The messages they send say:
You are fragile. You can not make it without me.
You need me to run interference.
You need me to protect you.
YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT IN LIFE WITHOUT ME!
Drill Sergeant parents say: “Do it! Do it now, or else!”
The messages they send say:
You can not think.
I have to do your thinking for you, boss
you around, tell you what to do.
You are not capable of making it in life.
Consultant parents are always there to give advice
and let the child make the decision, with the idea that
they will let the child make as many mistakes as
possible when the price tag is affordable.
The message consultant parents send says:
You would best do your own thinking because the
quality of your life has a lot to do with your
decisions.
Consultant parents take very good care of themselves in front of the kids…
They never tell a kid what to do.
They get better results by saying what they are going to do.
They offer choices and alternatives instead of orders.
When confronted with a problem, consultant parents use meaningful
actions and few words. They wrap consequences in a loving blanket of
empathy.
When we are upset about the child being upset, it is the child’s problem.
Ask yourself, “What is going to happen to me if that problem does not get
Solved?” If you answer ‘nothing,’ then it is the child’s problem.
WARNING! Beware of how we, as parents, TWIST a problem around so we
Think it is ours. (Whether or not to wear a coat…and who pays for the doctor.)
It is almost as if we sometimes need it to be our problem.
Determine who owns these problems. It may help you to ask:
Am I upset because he’s upset?
What happens to me personally?
How might I twist this problem to make it mine?
My daughter does not seem to have any friends.
Problem: Child?
Parent?
The teacher has called to complain that my
son took something that belonged to another child.
Problem: Child?
Parent?
My son is whining at the dinner table and does
not care for the food.
Problem: Child?
Parent?
 Love and Logic allows you to present your child with choices
that make him use his brain!
This will engage the critical thinking process and promotes
ownership.
See Handout “39” in your Parent Packet
 Fighting Words vs. Thinking Words
Fighting words
Do not give a choice, so kids will make their own
choices; ones that may not be acceptable to you.
No thought process required, just reactions.
Thinking words
Gives kids a chance to make a good choice and to have
ownership of their decisions.
Engages the thought process.
Consequences vs. Punishments
Empathy and Consequences vs. Anger
Constructing Logical Consequences
How to Destroy the Teaching Value of a Logical Consequences
When constructing logical consequences, take time to consider:
1. What would happen to an adult, in the real world, who did the same
kind of thing?
2. How can I tie the time and place of the infraction to the consequence?
3. How can I describe the consequence so that it moves the child into the
thinking state? (Question are most effective.)
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Jim Fay gets Love and Logic applied to him!
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P. 63 of Take-Home Packet