Personal Finance: Another Perspective
Classroom Slides:
Family 1: Money and
Marriage
Updated 2014/03/26
Note: Most of the ideas from this section are from Gordon B. Hinckley’s
“Proclamation on the Family” and Bernard E. Poduska, For Love and
Money: How to share the same checkbook and still love each other,
Brooks/Cole Publishing, 1993. The book is a great resource, but out of print.
It can be purchased at Amazon.com or ebay.com.
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Objectives
• A. Understand the key principles of money
and marriage
• B. Understand why money may be an issue in
relationships
• C. Understand a few recommendations for
money and marriage
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Personal Financial Plan
• Section XI. Money and Relationships
• If you fill out TT21 - Questions on Money and the
Family you will fulfill all the requirements for this
section. It covers family and finances including:
• How did your family handle their finances?
• How did they teach you financial responsibility?
• How did they prepare for missions and education?
• Action Plan
• How will you handle finances in your family?
• How will you teach your children finance?
• How will you save for your children’s education
and missions?
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A. Ten Key Principles of Marriage and Money
•
Are there principles of marriage and money
that can help us to be happier and wiser
stewards over our blessings?
•
•
Yes
Are there only ten?
•
No
• But these will at least give you something to
think about as you ponder this topic
• You will likely have many more than ten
principles
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Principles Marriage (continued)
1. The family is ordained of God
•
From the Proclamation on the Family (1995), it states:
• The family is ordained of God. Marriage between
man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.
Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of
matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother
who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.
• President Hinckley said:
• We must work at our responsibility as parents as if
everything in life counted on it, because in fact
everything in life does. If we fail in our home, we
fail in our lives. No man is truly successful who has
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failed in his home (“Each a Better Person,” Ensign,
Principles of Marriage (continued)
2. Your spouse has priority
• President David O. McKay said:
• Let me assure you, Brethren, that some day you
will have a personal priesthood interview with
the Savior, Himself. . . I will tell you the order in
which He will ask you to account for your
earthly responsibilities. First, He will request an
accountability report about your relationship
with your wife. Have you actively been engaged
in making her happy and ensuring that her needs
have been met as an individual? [From Notes of Fred
A. Baker, Managing Director, Department of Physical Facilities],
as quoted by Robert D. Hales, BYU Devotional, 15 March 1988.
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
3. Marriage partners are equal
•
•
From the Proclamation on the Family, it states:
• By divine design, fathers are to preside over their
families in love and righteousness and are
responsible to provide the necessities of life and
protection for their families. Mothers are primarily
responsible for the nurture of their children. In
these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers
are obligated to help one another as equal
partners. (Proclamation on the Family, 1995)
Equal partners means both have equal responsibility
and equal say in financial matters
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
• Control of money by one spouse as a source of power,
or failure to be a part of financial management are both
inappropriate. Elder Marvin J. Ashton wrote:
• Management of family finances should be mutual
between husband and wife in an attitude of
openness and trust. Control of the money by one
spouse as a source of power and authority causes
inequality in the marriage and is inappropriate.
Conversely, if a marriage partner voluntarily
removes himself or herself entirely from family
financial management, that is an abdication of
necessary responsibility. (Marvin J. Ashton, “Guide
to Family Finance,” Liahona, Apr. 2000, 42)
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
4. Marriage partners should seek the “best
interests” of the family
• From the LDS Family Relations manual it states:
• When a husband and wife work together to manage
their finances, they become unified in an important
effort to set their home in order. Some of the most
serious problems in marriage arise when financial
resources are not managed carefully and in the best
interest of the family. (LDS Church, Marriage and Family Relations Instructor’s
Manual, A: Strengthening Marriages, 8: Managing Family Finances, Purpose, 2000, 35.)
• We should follow the example of Christ. Nephi said:
• He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of
the world; for he loveth the world. (2 Nephi 26:24)
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
• 5. Financial problems are usually behavioral
problems, not money problems
• The Lord shared a parable in which explained:
• For the kingdom of heaven is as a man
travelling into a far country. . . and delivered
unto them his goods. And unto one he gave
five talents, to another two, and to another one
… But he that had received one [talent] went
and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s
money. (Matt 25:14-18)
• All three had the same opportunity. It wasn’t
money, but the use of that money that made the
difference. The Lord expects more from us!
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
• 6. Change is necessary
• If you always do what you have done, you will
always get what you have always got!
• For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also
reap. (Galatians 6:7 )
• If you:
• Continue to spend instead of save, you will
continue living from paycheck to paycheck.
• Continue to borrow to support a lifestyle, you
will continue to get further and further into debt
• Continue to save and invest wisely, you will
likely continue to achieve your goals
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
• 7. Money spent on things you value leads to
satisfaction and accomplishment
• In Matthew 6:24, 31-33 it states:
• No man can serve two masters: for either he will
hate the one, and love the other; or else he will
hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot
serve God and mammon. . . But seek ye first the
kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all
these things shall be added unto you.
• If you know your goals, you will spend your money
on those things that you value. If you do not, you
will scatter your resources (and your time) trying to
determine what is important to you.
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
• 8. Financial freedom is more the result of
decreased spending than increased income
• In Psalms 21:20 it states: There is treasure to be
desired and oil in the dwelling of the wise; but a
foolish man spendeth it up.
• There is a difference between financial
independence and financial freedom
• Financial independence is the acquisition of
enough wealth to enable you to sustain a high
standard of living without further effort
• Financial freedom is having enough
discretionary income to enable you to make the
financial choices that are important to you
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
• 9. Spouses are to leave their parents and
become one
• Therefore shall a man leave his father and his
mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they
shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
• Spouses are to leave the things their parents did,
including the things their parents did incorrectly
• They are to work together to become one; one in
purpose, one in unity, and one in goals
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Principles of Marriage (continued)
• 10. The best things in life are free
• Nothing is more important than eternal life
• Seek not for riches but for wisdom, and behold,
the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto you,
and then shall you be made rich. Behold, he that
hath eternal life is rich (D&C 6:7, 11:7).
• The things which are truly the most important to us,
and that will make a difference in our lives are not
those things which cost money
• They are those things which bring us closer
together as families and communities, both
temporally and spiritually.
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Principles Summary
• 1. The family is ordained of God
• 2. No one or nothing is more important
than your spouse
• 3. Partners are equal
• 4. Partners should seek the “best interests”
of the family
• 5. Financial problems are usually
behavioral problems, not money problems
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Summary (continued)
• 6. Change is necessary.
• 7. Money spent on things you value leads to
satisfaction and accomplishment
• 8. Financial freedom is more the result of
decreased spending than increased income
• 9. Spouses are to leave their parents and
become one.
• 10. The best things in life are free
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Questions
• Any questions on the 10 key principles of
Marriage and Money?
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B. Understand Why Money
May be an Issue in Marriage
• Elder James E. Faust commented:
• Money itself seems neither to make a couple happy,
nor the lack of it, necessarily, to make them
unhappy, but money is often a symbol of selfishness
(James E. Faust, “The Enriching of Marriage,”
Ensign, Nov. 1977, 9).
• To minimize money problems in marriage, we should
learn the potential problem areas and understand how
to eliminate them
• What are the potential problem areas in marriage?
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Why Money May be an Issue (continued)
•
•
In a survey conducted by Worth magazine:
• Couples admitted to fighting about money more
than anything else.
• A staggering 57% of those surveyed agreed
with the statement, “In every marriage, money
eventually becomes the most important
concern” (Eric Tyson, Personal Finance for
Dummies, IDG Books Worldwide, 2000. p.
10).
Why do you think this is the case?
• What do you think are the major reasons money is
such an issue in marriage and relationships?
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1. Lack of Financial Knowledge
• Why the lack of knowledge regarding personal
finance?
• Ignorance
• They truly don’t know about personal finance
• Carelessness
• They know, but don’t want to put it into practice
• Compulsiveness
• They know, but can’t discipline their spending
• Pride
• They know but don’t do, because how they look
to others is more important than how they look
to God
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Lack of Knowledge (continued)
• What can be done?
• Ignorance
• Learn about finance. Finish this series. Make
learning a lifelong process.
• Write out your personal and family goals,
and complete your personal and financial
plan
• Carelessness
• Become exact in all you do
• Keep good records and keep learning
• Get and stay on a budget
• Be accountable for your spending
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Lack of Knowledge (continued)
• Compulsiveness
• Learn to live a disciplined life
• Ask “Does this action get me closer to or
farther from my personal / family goals?”
• If it brings you closer, do it.
• Pride
• Put God first in your lives
• Ask: “Does this action bring me closer to
God and obedience to His commandments?”
• If it doesn’t, don’t do it.
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2. Lack of Communication
• Why is communication between spouses so
critical?
• Communication is a sign of respect between
spouses
• Be willing to understand, discuss, and reconcile
attitudes early in a relationship
• Resolve misunderstandings before they escalate
• Implement family processes that promote
trust and mutual discussion
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Lack of Communication (continued)
• What can be done?
• Develop a regular communication plan (weekly,
monthly, quarterly, annually)
• Ideally, a weekly finance/inventory meeting
where you discuss finances, budget,
investments, etc. should be one of your most
important meetings (after church meetings,
FHE, temple attendance and weekly dates)
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3.
Differences in Financial Personality Types
and Family Baggage
• How have family
rules and
personalities shaped
your attitudes and
beliefs about
finances?
• Think how you were
brought up
• Your spouse was
likely brought up
differently
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Financial Personality Types (continued)
• Miser
•
•
•
•
Dad/mom pays cash for everything
Mom/dad pays the bills and kept the books
The family never talks about money
The family never knows where they are financially
• Spender
• Dad/mom’s motto is shop ’til you drop
• Mom/dad always feel that things will work out
• There is no budgeting or planning for major
purchases, and no planning for the future
• If I can’t take it with me, then I’m not going!
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Financial Personality Types (continued)
• Unequally Yoked
• Mom/dad only gives spouse a little money each
week—spouse has to ask whenever they want
anything else
• Mom/dad has the final say—the purse is power
• Mom and dad are not equal partners
• Selfish Provider
• Dad/mom said since they earned the money, they
would decide where the money went
• Mom/dad has to ask when they need money
• There are no goals, no budget, or plan for large
purchases, future retirement, or education
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Financial Personality Types (continued)
• Sleeper
• “Disasters and crisis happen to others, not us.”
• “We pay tithing--its like guaranteed insurance. . .”
• We don’t have to plan, because things always work
out
• The Wise Steward
•
•
•
•
We pay the Lord first, and ourselves second
We save part of everything we earn
We share basic financial information as a family
We are wise stewards over all we have
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Financial Personality Types (continued)
• What can be done?
• Recognize that you and your spouse grew up
differently
• Accept it! Work it out together
• While you cannot control how you were brought up,
you can control how you work together
• Work together as equal “Christlike” partners
• A “helpmeet” is an equal
• Work through communication and the development
of common goals
• Know what you both want to accomplish in life,
then work toward those goals
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Financial Personality Types (continued)
• Elder Robert D. Hales said:
• If the example we have received from our parents
was not good, it is our responsibility to break the
cycle. … Each person can learn a better way and in
so doing bless the lives of family members now and
teach correct traditions for the generations that
follow (“How Will Our Children Remember Us?”
Ensign, Nov. 1993, p. 10).
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4. Lack of Shared Goals
• Why does the lack of shared goals result in so
many problems in marriages?
•
•
•
•
•
•
Marriage
Family
Friends
Service
Missions
Worthy causes
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Lack of Shared Goals (continued)
• What can be done?
• Individually write down your personals goals
• Then as a couple, discuss each others goals with
the goal solely to understand
• You do not evaluate or criticize their goals
• As a couple, write your Family Financial Plan
incorporating both family and personal goals
together
• Develop family goals, then prioritize your
family goals
• Work toward what you think are your most
important goals
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Lack of Shared Goals (continued)
• Then write your other
goals:
• Starting a family
• Educating your children,
helping them during school,
and helping them during and
after college
• Charitable giving
• Owning a business
• Saving for a big purchase (a
car, a trip to China, etc).
• Recreation and vacations
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Lack of Shared Goals (continued)
•
Remember to always keep your priorities in
order
•
•
•
•
•
Pay the Lord first, with an honest tithing and
generous fast offerings
Pay yourself second and invest your money
wisely. Live on a budget and stay out of debt
Prepare for emergencies, with cash reserves, food
storage, and adequate insurance
Save for retirement, and then education and
missions for your children
Allocate funds wisely for other personal and
financial goals
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5. Lack of Gospel Maturity
• Why do problems arise when we do not live
our lives consistent with the way we know we
should live?
• As we study, ponder, pray, and live the gospel, we
live worthy of the influence of the Holy Ghost.
• We then can have the strength and inspiration from
the Holy Ghost to help us understand where we are,
to recognize our weaknesses, and to know what we
need to do
• Then, with that knowledge, we can work so that
our weaknesses can be made strengths with
God’s help (Ether 12:27).
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Gospel Maturity (continued)
• Gospel maturity is doing those things necessary to
bring us back to our Heavenly Father. King Benjamin
gave us the method for becoming mature in the gospel:
• For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has
been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and
ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy
Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh
a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord,
and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble,
patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things
which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as
a child doth submit to his father (Mosiah 3:19).
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Reasons Money may be an Issue (continued)
• What can be done?
• Remember your ultimate goal, which is exaltation
with your spouse
• Behold he that hath eternal life is rich
(D&C6:7)
• Remember your ultimate interview with the Savior.
• Work on those things that will be asked first
• Remember your stewardship over your blessings
• You will have to give an accounting
• Remember to choose wisely
• For you are His steward and are accountable for
your choices
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C. Recommendations for Money and Marriage
• Following are a few ideas which have been
helpful in my marriage
• Please note that I am not a family therapist or expert
in family matters. I just have seven kids, 2 married,
2 sons-in-law, 3 grandchildren, 2 extra kids, and am
still married
• I am only a teacher with a few ideas (and ideas
can be very dangerous!!!)
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Recommendations (continued)
• 1. Delegate Action, but Share Responsibility
• It's not unusual for one spouse to play the primary
role in managing the finances, but it is critical that
both are involved and aware
• Make sure both are involved
• If one has more knowledge, it is their
responsibility to teach the other
• Switch responsibilities each year or so
• Be certain you can clearly articulate all assets and
liabilities and locate the necessary back-up
documentation.
• Hide no spending from each other
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Recommendations (continued)
• While some decisions may be delegated,
major decisions must be agreed on
beforehand
• Set a limit over which purchases must be
discussed, i.e. $20, except groceries
• Remember that managing the various dimensions of
your partnership is a shared mutual responsibility
• If both are not on the same page financially, help
each other learn about financial responsibility
• Teach your spouse, because once you are
gone, your spouse will have to do the work
by themselves
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Recommendations (continued)
• 2. Develop family goals as a couple
• Develop and work on specific family goals
• Agree on and write down your family goals
• Saving should be a weekly activity
• Opinions should be discussed freely and openly
without fear of ridicule.
• We must agree to disagree agreeably
• If you have concerns about your partner's spending,
financial decisions or your delegated role in
managing money, make sure you express those
thoughts and opinions in a “Christ-like” manner
• Memorize and live D&C 121: 34-46.
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Recommendations (continued)
• 3. Separate “real" from “imagined” problems
• Too often arguments over money are about things
entirely different. Separate out the “real” from the
“imagined” problems
• Finances and the things you "own" are very
tangible assets, and hence it is easy to project
emotional issues onto these money matters.
• Think carefully before discussing these concerns
• Ensure there isn't a larger problem at the core
• Set up an established time when you can discuss
spending and financial issues
• Avoid discussing finances at a time or place that
may have or cause pre-existing stress
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Recommendations (continued)
• 4. Keep the romance alive
• Elder L. Tom Perry counseled:
• Perhaps it would also be appropriate to have a
date with our wives each week, to remind us of
the great blessing they are in our lives (L. Tom
Perry, “Family Traditions,” Ensign, May 1990,
19).
• I further encourage time alone each quarter and
each year with only your spouse (without the kids)
• After all, when the kids are grown, there will
still be the two of you
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Questions
• Any questions on why money may be an issue
in relationships, and what you can do to
minimize those issues?
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Review of Objectives
• A. Do you understand the key principles of
money and marriage?
• B. Do you understand why money may be an
issue in Marriage?
• C. Do you understand a few recommendations
on Money and Marriage?
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Case Study #1
• I received the following email. What problems do you
see and what recommendations would you make?
• “I would be interested in a unit on the emotional
component of money, and how to avoid contention
when two people have opposite ideas of how money
is to be managed. Sometimes, the pathway of
applying correct principles leads right to the
doorway of contention.”
• “For example: one spouse believes in your advice to
save a small amount of money. The other spouse
refuses to allow that and insists on spending it. If
the spender is the husband and the saver is the wife,
how do you reconcile those positions while
avoiding contention?”
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Case Study #2
• How does your answer change with this second email?
What are the problems and how would you respond?
• “How does the more sophisticated money manager spouse,
say the wife, remain patient with the more primitive money
manager, say the husband, when real financial harm or
financial chaos is being created? How can that be tolerated
in order to avoid contention? Which is the higher priority:
avoiding contention or working to stop the financial
hemorrhaging?”
• “And the second issue involves the difference in risk
tolerances of husbands' and wives, i.e., the husband has a
particular talent and has started his own business, the wife
wants a steady paycheck. If the pros and cons are of equal
weight in both scenarios, doesn’t the husband’s idea win by4848
default if he is the wage earner?”
Case Study #2 (continued)
• “Another point is that the presentation seemed to
assume that the viewers came from LDS families – I
for one am a convert, and did not grow up with parents
who saved for a mission or paid tithing. In fact, I have
to be extremely careful about my tithe paying as it is
an extremely sore subject for my non-member family
who disapproves of the practice.”
• “Again – yet another scenario in which it is the very
act of trying to obey correct principles leads to
contention and opposition within the family. You
have my permission to use my questions and
concerns.”
• Signed
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Case Study #2 Answers
• A. Following are a few problems
• The underline portion are the principles while
the statements are the facts from the email
• Marriage partners are equal. It doesn’t seem so
from this email. It appears that the writer is
appealing to an outside authority (me) to support
what they think is correct. It appears
communication may have broken down between
spouses
• Control of money as power. It appears there is a
type of money control question here—money is
power. This “money as power” is inappropriate for
equal partners
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Case Study #2 Answers (continued)
• Best interests. It appears that both may not be
seeking the “best interests” of the family but may be
trying to further their own “best interests.” Family
interests must be put first
• Behavioral problems. This appears to me to be, at
least in part, a behavioral issue and not a finance
issue. It seems communication is a major concern
here, and finances are the representation of that
concern
• Change. It seems from the reading that both
assume an unwillingness or an unlikely ability to
change, both individually and as a couple. We can
change ourselves, but not our spouses. They must
want to change, then change themselves
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Case Study #2 Answers (continued)
• Respect. From the choice of adjectives I sense a
loss of respect: sophisticated versus primitive,
saving versus spending, etc. Perhaps this is to
make a point but it causes concern
• Leave parents. It seems like one spouse has not left
their parents. Financial decisions are between
husband and wife, not between spouses and parents.
“Therefore shall a man (and woman) leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his
wife” (Genesis 2:24).
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Case Study #2 Answers (continued)
• B. Following are a few recommendations that
may be helpful for this couple:
• Build the relationship. Assume both spouses are
trying to do what is best, and that both are trying.
Realize that there may be differences of opinion,
and that is OK. They should first work to
understand, and then seek to be understood
• Develop individual and family goals. There
appears to be a difference as to the goals of the
couple. They should work together to come up with
shared individual and family goals, and then work
toward these goals
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Case Study #2 Answers (continued)
• Build the financial knowledge of the couple and
family. One spouse knows more. That is expected.
Perhaps that spouse could recommend some
reading on the importance of becoming financially
self-reliant. There are a number of good articles by
the leaders which can help. They could also do
some Family Home Evening lessons on personal
finance
• Resolve family differences. There appears to be a
difference in how each was brought up and how
they relate to their families. While they cannot
control how they were brought up, they can decide
how they will do things in their family. And they
should do it in the “best interests” of their family
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Case Study #2 Answers (continued)
• Improve communication and problem-solving
skills. There seems to be concerns in this area.
They need to make finances a part of their weekly
“companionship interview” where they discuss
finances, children, scheduling, goals, etc.
• Strengthen testimonies. Finally, they should work
to strengthen their testimonies and live according to
the gospel of Jesus Christ. They need to work to
bring Heavenly Father into the relationship through
prayer, scripture study, church attendance, etc.
When they are doing what God would have them
do, they can have His help. Since families are
ordained of God, God will help them resolve their
differences and become more like Him
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Case Study #3
• Data
• Bill, your best friend and BYU graduate, just got
engaged to Emily. He knows you have taken this
class on personal finance as you have shared many
things with him in the past. He is concerned as in his
parent’s marriage, money was a major and divisive
issue. He would like to try and minimize these issues
in his upcoming marriage. He asks if he and Emily
can meet with you to discuss what you consider the
most pressing issues about money in marriage.
Application
• What would tell Bill and Emily are the most pressing
issues in money and marriage? What other advice
would you give them?
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Case #3 Answers
• Following are a few thoughts that might be helpful.
Five common problems discussed regarding money
and marriage are:
• 1. Lack of financial knowledge
• Financial knowledge is important to make good
decisions. Both Bill and Emily should realize that
financial knowledge can be acquired
• They must be willing to spend the time
learning about key financial topics
• In addition, they must realize that financial
knowledge by itself is insufficient
• Both Bill and Emily must be willing to act on
that knowledge to be wiser financial stewards
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Case #3 Answers (continued)
• 2. Lack of communication
• Relationships require communication to stay
healthy
• Communication on financial matters is one part
of that healthy communication
• Bill and Emily need to develop processes to
ensure time to communicate effectively in all
areas of their lives, including financial areas
• They should set aside time each week to discuss
financial matters in an atmosphere of love and
concern
• In order for this marriage to succeed
financially, both must be party to and feel
they contribute to family financial decisions
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Case #3 Answers (continued)
• 3. Differences in financial personality types
and family baggage
• Bill and Emily were both brought up differently in
their families, and this includes how they learned to
handle financial matters
• While they cannot change how they were
brought up, they can decide how they want to
handle financial matters in their marriage
• They set the framework for their marriage
• They can change how they work together
• They can have a goal to be equal financial
partners and better stewards over the blessings
they have and will receive
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Case #3 Answers (continued)
• 4. Lack of shared financial goals
• It is critical that both Bill and Emily be working
toward the same general family and family financial
goals
• They should set those goals together as spouses
and then work on them together
• They should write them down
• They should set a time each year that they
will review their family goals and set new
goals
• This should be an on-going process—they will
achieve what they set their goals to achieve
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Case #3 Answers (continued)
• 5. Lack of gospel maturity
• Gospel maturity is not just knowing what you
should do, but doing it as well.
• They need to be committed to the relationship
• They need to put each other, and the Lord first
in their lives
• Help them realize that the more willing they
are to do what needs to be done in their
relationships and family, the better the
marriage will be and the more likely they
will be able to achieve their family goals
• Remember their most important being to return
with their family to Heavenly Father’s presence
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