Habit 5: Seek First to Understand,
Then to Be Understood
“Before I can walk in another’s
shoes, I must first remove my own”
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The Shoe Salesman
Melissa and Colleen
Why is this habit (Seek First to Understand, Then
be Understood) the key to communication?
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Activity
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You must recite the story to your partner…
However, you must alternate each word.
For Example:
Person One “Once”
Person Two “upon”
Person One “a”
Person Two “time”
Please Listen…
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don't talk or do--just hear me.
Author Unknown
Can you relate…
What experiences have you had in
reference to this poem?
Were you the listener or the speaker?
“People don’t care how much you
know, until they know how much
you care.”
5 Poor Listening Styles
1. Space out
2. Pretender
3. Selective
4. Word
5. Self-centered
•
•
Judge
probe
Space Out
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When someone is talking to us but we
ignore them because our mind is
wandering off in another galaxy.
When someone is telling you something,
you are too caught up in your own
thoughts.
Do this too much, and you may get a
reputation for being “out of it”.
Pretend Listening
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Not really paying attention, but making
insightful comments at key junctures like
“yeah”, “uh-huh”, or “cool”.
The speaker will usually get the hint and
will feel that he or she is not important
enough to be heard.
Selective Listening
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Paying attention to only parts of a
conversation that you find interesting.
Since you’ll always talk about what you
want to talk about, instead of what the
other person wants to talk about,
chances are it will be difficult for you to
develop long lasting friendships.
Word Listening
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You pay attention when someone is
talking, but only to the words spoken.
You do not take into consideration the
body language, feelings, emotion or true
meaning behind the words.
If you focus on words only, you’ll seldom
be in touch with the deeper emotions of
people.
Self Centered Listening
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This happens when we see everything
from our point of view. Instead of
standing in another’s shoes, we want
them to stand in ours.
This type of listening is often a game of
“one-upmanship”, where we try and
“one-up” each other as if our
conversation was a competition.
Self Centered Listening
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When we listen from our point of view,
we usually reply in one of three ways:
• We Judge
• We Advise
• We Probe
Let’s take a closer look at the three…
Judging
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Sometimes we make judgments in the
backs of our minds as we listen to others
about them and what they are saying.
If you are busy judging, you’re not really
listening, are you?
People do not want to be judged, they
want to be heard.
Advising
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This is when we give advice drawn from
our own experiences. This is the “whenI-was-your-age” speech you often get
from your elders.
Give an example.
Probing
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When you try to dig up emotions before
people are willing to share them.
Name a time when you have been
probed.
Parents do it to teens all of the time…
Seek First to Understand , Then to Be
Understood
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Genuine listening
Talk with parents
Genuine Listening (The 3 Keys)
1. Listen with your
eyes, heart and ears
Communication
7%
Words
Tone/Feeling
53%
40%
Body
Language
Genuine Listening
Please…Hear What I’m Not Saying
2. Stand in Their Shoes
“Until you walk a mile in another man’s
moccasins you can’t imagine the smell”.
p. 171
You must try to see the world as they see it
and try to feel as they feel.
Genuine Listening
3. Practice Mirroring
-What does a mirror do? It does not judge. It
doesn’t give advice. It reflects.
-Repeat back in your own words what the other
person is saying and feeling.
Mirroring is not mimicking. Mimicking is when
you repeat exactly what the person said, like
a parrot.
Mimicking Vs. Mirroring
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Mimicking
-Repeating words
-Using the same
word
-Cold and indifferent
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Mirroring
-Repeating meaning
-Using your own
words
-Warm and caring
Practice Mirroring
If someone said the following phrases to you,
what is a mirroring phrase you could
reply with?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
“This is the worst paper I’ve ever read!”
“You absolutely cannot stay out past midnight.”
“I don’t know that new girl very well.”
“My parents are really driving me nuts.”
“Lunch was really good today.”
“I don’t feel like going to work.”
Activity (Optional)
See how long you can keep eye contact
with someone while they are talking to
you.
In your interactions today, try mirroring one
person and mimicking another, just for
fun. Compare the results.
Habits Review
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Be Proactive
Begin with the End in Mind
Put First Things First
Think Win-Win
Seek First to Understand, Then to be
Understood
Synergize
Sharpen the Saw