Parenting without Power Struggles, Susan Stiffelman2012
In the context of parenting, it's our beliefs and thoughts about how kids should behave that cause us to
lose our cool.
Many parents deliver unproductive and even irrational threats to get their kids to listen and obey. The
works is about looking at these beliefs and reactions so we can be free of their negative influence on
how we respond to the challenges of parenting.
The Four Questions (we should ask ourselves about what we're upset about):
1) Is it true
2) can you absolutely know it's true
3) How do you feel (or react when you think that thought?)
4) Who would you be without that thought.
One way to identify the thought at the core of our upset is to find a statement with the word should or
shouldn't in it, then determine whether that thought causes you to feel a strong wave of negative
emotion.
p. 20 - Consider whether what you're saying opens or closes the door to the other person you want to
influence.
p. 59 - When a child spends significant amount of time in the company of those whom he feels don't
understand him or enjoy his presence, it wears down his spirit and diminishes his joy.
p. 81 - Rather than getting hung up on what your daughter says, concentrate on discovering what's
going on beneath the surface. "Were you sad when you saw me playing the chase game with Louie,
sweetie?" Instead of trying to convince her that her neck up statements are inaccurate, focus on helping
her get in touch with the real meaning behind her words - the neck down part of her message. The more
you do this, the less she'll be inclined to make dramatic statements.
p. 87 - Unsolved frustration produces aggression, either verbal or physical. A child who is prevented
from getting what he wants and who lacks the ability to come to terms with disappointment will
manifest aggression, either toward others or themselves.
When we "up the ante" and punish the child by taking more and more things away, we simply move him
toward either increasing his aggressive behavior or hardening his heart.
p. 91
When a child is frustrated, it's not a good time to teach, advise or lecture.
p.110 - When parents believe thoughts like "Jason should appreciate the things we do for him or Jason
should be nicer to his little brother," they are headed down the road to ruin - a road that leads to losing
their cool, threatening, and creating drama in the household that simply hardened Jason's heart and
made him more resistant to their input. Parents need to deal with their upsetting thoughts that are
triggering their own reactivity.
p. 123 - When a child is chronically aggressive, it's important to rule out biological, emotional,
neurological contributors. But, whether or not these factors contribute to the problems, an angry child
still needs a caring adult to help him articulate his emotions and feel understood. Rather than focusing
on how to respond after his misbehavior, when caretakers seek to off-load a child's daily frustrations by
listening and helping him get to the Wall of Futility, they drain the fuel from the tank that perpetually
feeds his rage.
p. 124 - If whining is the answer, what is the question?
If a child gets lots of partial, halfhearted attention from you most of the time but gets your undivided
attention when she acts up, chances are she'll act up. It's a bit like choosing between a pout of bland,
dehydrated potato flakes or a few bites of a nutritionally loaded protein bar. One is just filler, but the
other one satisfies.
p. 127 - I explained (to the parents) that if they change their rules from one day to the next, Ben would
invariably push for more. Once they were in agreement and explained the new guidelines they let him
know that if he stuck to the plan we would get X amount of time to enjoy computer. If he didn't follow
guidelines, would lose access for 24 hours.
p. 129 - The less you are obsessed with what your child is eating, the less interesting it will be to refuse
to eat.
p. 137 - Consider what would happen if our children's instincts prompted them to follow and obey
people how weren't part of their tribe. Imagine the worries you would be saddled with if your little ones
didn't instinctively refuse demands of strangers.
p. 139 - When you ask a child to do something that requires her to give up the good time she's having,
she is likely to resist. It works a lot better when we accept the reality rather than pretend we don't
understand why our kids would rather wrestle on the floor with each other than take a bath and get
ready for bed.
p. 141 - There are times a child's refusal to cooperate is an indication of unspoken tension in the
household and his resistance is his attempt to exert even a little power within the context of feeling
powerless.
p. 143 - You tend to get a different response form a child when you holler from the other end of the
house than after a brief moment of friendly contact. If you sit beside your son for a moment, expressing
interest in the model he's building or the program he's watching before you ask him to come to dinner,
you will get a more favorable response. Give direction from connection.
p. 145 - Catch them being helpful. Make three positive comments a day about something your child did.
This is not the same as praising them. "You're such a good boy," presumes the parent is the judge of
what is and isn't good, and you can create an unhealthy addiction to parental approval, sabotaging the
ultimate goal of a child's doing the right thing because it feels good internally. Show authentic
appreciation, "thanks for remembering to be extra quiet while baby is sleeping" or how it felt to you, "I
love seeing you at the table right after I called you. Thanks Sweetie!"
p. 147 - "I see a child's misbehavior as an announcement that there's a problem. I ask, "what would she
have to be feeling to behave this way?" '
p. 152 - Many of us grew up in household where our parents word was the law and there was no
discussion, negotiation or defying them. The problem with this style of parenting is that children who
aren't allowed to have their voices heard feel powerless, and often harbor underlying resentment,
frustration and aggression.
p. 161 - Children who are joyful and authentic catch glimpses of their mother or father looking at them
with wonder and love, not because they've just accomplished something or done what they were told,
but simply because they exist. Happy children feel liked by their parents and know that who they are in
their hearts and minds is pleasing. There's a sense of being known intimately and that what is known
about them strengthens the bond they have with their caregiver.
p. 166 - When children are liberated from their parents' dissatisfaction with who they are and should be,
they're freed to rise to their true potential, with all the accompany joy and satisfaction that comes from
being exactly who they were meant to be.
p. 168 - "By coming alongside a tendency or quality you find challenging in your child - instead of
fighting it - you become open to seeing that it may at least temporarily be serving your child."
p. 182 -"The way you live in front of your kids can either dampen or spark their thirst for exploring their
interests and expressing their own brand of genius."
p. 201 - Parents need to make it clear to their kids that they are capable of hearing their bad news
without minimizing it, dismissing them or attempting to talk them out of their dark feeling and
emotions. For a child or teen to open up to his parents about his troubles, he needs to know that they
are capable of hearing him out without falling apart or trying to fix things or cheer him up.
p. 217 - An anxious child's fears are not based on logic. But, if you resist her worries, you'll be less able to
help her through them.
p. 23 - When you're sitting together at dinner, do you taste the food, savoring and chewing it, or are you
throwing it down your throat as you run around the house looking for your cell phone charger.
p. 242 - There are five qualities or abilities that help a youngster move toward adult life with the
resources needed to find his passion, manage the obstacles that my get in his way, and persevere
toward making his dreams come true: resilience, self-respect, problem solving, visioning and gratitude
p. 243 - When children grow up knowing the can live through sadness and frustration, they become
capable of tremendous resourcefulness and resolve. If they develop the ability to be flexible, they feel
confident to try another approach when this one isn't working. By learning to question negative thinking
that might promote someone else to give up, they are liberated from the beliefs that least to defeat or
hopelessness.
p. 244 - By knowing they are capable of contributing to their personal care (making beds, brushing
teeth), as well as helping things run smoothly in their family's lives, kids develop a sense of
independence and self-reliance that helps them become competent adults. When youngsters discover
that their time and effort can uplift the life of someone else, they not only feel a deep sense of value,
but also have the opportunity to develop a more authentic appreciation for what they have.