You’re the boss of you!
Helping students use self-talk to become
more responsible for their own behaviours
Larry Antrim
Coordinator for Counselling and Social Responsibility
District #38, Richmond
Making Connections 2012
the Area Counsellor Team
• ACT was formed in spring of 2002
• Mandate was to provide proactive support
to schools
• Ministry of Education’s Social
Responsibility Performance Standards
• Traffic Light metaphor for behaviour
• Positive Behaviour Support
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• The Traffic Light
becomes part of a
school’s common
language to describe
any student behavour
• Using the metaphor of
the Traffic Light,
students come to
recognize the 4 Levels of
the Performance
Standards as they
pertain to their own
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• As a Universal or Tier 1
Intervention, Level
3/Green behaviour
becomes a School-Wide
Expectation
• “Show me Green
listening behaviour”
• “Walk down the hall at
Level 3”
• “Meeting Expectations
would be to put that in
the garbage”
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• This school has used a
variation on the Matrix
• Rather than create an
acronym, they used the
Traffic Light’s Green
Light as their value
statement
• Selecting specific
locations, they’ve
highlighted a number of
school-wide
expectations for those
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• Level 2/Yellow Behaviour
is normal. We all do it:
• Letting our attention
wander
• Whispering to the person
beside us
• Checking our email
when we pretend we’re
taking notes
• Making a funny remake
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• It is our job to move from
Level 2 back to Level 3
(from Yellow to Green)
• Often, a gentle prompt is
all that is needed to
accomplish this is
• For others, it may need
to take the form of a Tier
2 or Targeted
Intervention
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• If the change from Level
2 to Level 3 doesn’t
occur, for some students
it’s because the
behaviour is purposeful
• Level 1/Red Behaviour
• In these cases, and for
those who simply cannot
control their impulses, an
Individual Intervention
needs to be put in place
(Tier 3)
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• Instructional Corrections
provide an opportunity
for students to develop
self awareness when
asked:
• “What Colour (Level) do
you think that
(behaviour) is?” followed
by…
• “How could you make it
Green (Level 3)?”
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• This is where self
awareness can start to
be developed
• “What Level do you think
that (behaviour) is?”
• Students begin to be
able to assess their own
behaviour
• This often includes some
Self Talk
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• Develop a staff
commitment to
interacting with any
student in any setting
• Reinforce positive
behaviours
• “He notices when I’m
doing the right thing.”
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• Use Instructional
Corrections when
students aren’t meeting
expectations
• Either it’s a chance to
teach the correct
behaviour or trigger
some self talk
• “Uh oh, here he comes.
I know he’s going to ask
me what I should be
doing right now.”
Peaceful Problem
Solving is a major
component of the
ACT Lessons
Students develop the
skills and resiliency
necessary to deal
with someone who is
not being ‘socially
responsible’
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• An “Ah-ahh” moment
was when it became
clear that Self Talk was
the starting point for
each of the Problem
Solving Skills we taught
• How can a student calm
down if she cannot self
regulate?
• How can she self
regulate if she doesn’t
use self talk?
Area Counsellor Team Lessons
• During staff Pro-D, when
these concepts are
presented, there is
always a similar
reaction:
• “I need to know how to
do this in my own life.”
• We always train the staff
how to use these skills
themselves in order to:
• Learn that they aren’t as
easy as they first appear
• To be able to more
Self Talk and Anger
• First area of focus when teaching Problem
Solving Skills - Anger
• Anger is a secondary emotion
• It is also normal and natural to get angry
• The problem is when Angry Feelings turn into
Angry Behaviour
• Anger Mountain is the metaphor used
Self Talk and Anger
a personal example
• I live in North Delta
• I commute over the Alex Fraser Bridge
• Significant traffic every morning down Nordel
Way onto the bridge
• Two lanes onto the bridge, inside lane
continues on to River Road
• Buses and Van Pool vehicles may take inside
lane down and turn into bridge traffic using
dedicated turn-off at bottom of hill
THE AROUSAL CYCLE
Anger Mountain
ANGRY
BEHAVIOUR
I roll down my window
and give him the finger
X
ANGER
TRIGGERS
“Oh, now you’ll
politely let me merge”
X
“I guess the rules
don’t apply to him”
X
“What a jerk!”
X
Someone cuts in
from the Bus Lane
I’m driving down
Nordell Way
TIME
It takes me
some time to
calm down
I Can’t Control My Emotions
… can I ?
• Traditionally, we’ve
believed that our
emotions occur all on
their own, depending on
the events that occur
• We don’t decide to be
angry, it just happens as
a result of circumstances
• It brings out the caveman
in some people
I Can’t Control My Emotions
… can I ?
• The Limbic System
controls emotions
• The Amygdala filters
incoming information to
our conscious brain in the
Prefrontal Cortex
• However, when stressed,
frightened or angry
incoming information is
blocked, resulting in the
Fight, Flight or Freeze
response
I Can’t Control My Emotions
… can I ?
• Look at how many
triggers happened to me
on my drive down Nordel
Way
• Four triggers in rapid
sequence
• No wonder I got mad
• It’s not my fault
THE AROUSAL CYCLE
How was I feeling?
ANGRY
BEHAVIOUR
Of course I reacted,
HE MADE ME MAD!
X
ANGER
TRIGGERS
Each of these Anger
Triggers makes me
more and more mad
X
X
X
I’m driving down
Nordell Way
I’m fairly calm
TIME
I’m still upset
about it when
I get to work
I Can’t Control My Emotions
… can I ?
Let’s review
Trigger 1:
He cut in through the bus
lane
Trigger 2:
He said, “Yes, I’m a jerk”
Trigger 3:
He said, “The rules don’t
apply to me”
Trigger 4:
He said, “Let me wave you
in like I did nothing
THE AROUSAL CYCLE
My
My
Emotion
Behaviour
My
Thoughts
X
X
Event
X
X
TIME
ME
HE
X MADE ME MAD!
How can I control an automatic
reflexive response?
• We’ve all had arguments
• It usually starts off calmly
• Gradually it reaches a
point where we recognize
that we are getting upset
• Sometimes we get to a
point where we just don’t
care any more and let loose
• Later, we may say, “I don’t
know why I said/did that.”
• Let’s call it temporary
insanity
THE AROUSAL CYCLE
What if the (almost) exact thing happened?….
I notice it is not some
man, it’s the
Superintendent,
Monica Pamer
X
ANGER
TRIGGERS
“Oh, now you’ll
politely let me merge”
X
“I guess the rules
don’t apply to you”
X
“What a jerk!”
X
Someone cuts in
from the Bus Lane
I’m driving down
Nordell Way
TIME
I calm down
right away
Positive Self Talk
• This time the Angry
BEHAVIOUR did not
happen
• The Intensity of my
EMOTION did not
continue to escalate
• My THINKING
changed as I used
Positive Self Talk
instead
THE AROUSAL CYCLE
What was I thinking this time?
I’ll just wave a, “Thank you,”
and look straight ahead
Wait a minute,
I know that person.
She’s my boss!
SAME
ANGER
TRIGGERS
X
X
X
X
I’m still getting
worked up as
the events
unfold
I’m driving down
Nordell Way
TIME
The INTENSITY of my
Emotion drops rapidly
I think about how
stupid I almost was the
rest of the drive to work
THE AROUSAL CYCLE
What most people are able to do
“Uh, oh. I’m
getting mad”
ANGER
TRIGGERS
X
“I need to
X
calm down”
X
X
“What a jerk!”
X
Someone cuts in
from the Bus Lane
I’m driving down
Nordell Way
TIME
“I can handle this”
X
“It’s no big deal”
Self Talk
• We can speak at approx 125 words per minute
• We can think at approx 450 words per minute
• The statements we make to ourselves come BEFORE
what we FEEL
• Self Talk occurs so rapidly that it can lead us to a
feeling/emotion before we know it
- Stacey Holloway
“Managing Difficult People and Situations”
Helpful Thoughts/Positive Self Talk
• Students need to learn
what their body cues are
that tell them they are
starting to get upset
• Then they need to learn
to replace Unhelpful
Thoughts or Negative
Self Talk with Positive
Self Talk
Self Talk in Anger Management
• Students are taught that
it is absolutely their
responsibility to catch
themselves before they
get too far up Anger
Mountain
• Nobody controls my
thinking, and therefore
what I decide to do
• I choose to get angry
• “I’m the boss of me”
Self Talk in Anger Management
• A Tier II intervention for
some kids will include
exploring what their body
cues are:
• clenching your jaw
• making a fist
• frowning
• getting fidgety
• crossing your arms
• Recognizing what your
cues are allows you to
change your thinking
Self Talk in Anger Management
• We need to remember
that all behaviour is
purposeful and there can
be a huge payoff for
getting angry
• Finding replacement
behaviours is important
• Creating the awareness
that they are in control of
their anger is equally
important
Self Talk in Anger Management
• Not everyone comes to
school at the base of
Anger Mountain
• When a student arrives
already “primed” it can
appear that the anger
came out of nowhere
• An awareness of one’s
own anger cues and self
talk is even more
important in this case
Helpful Thoughts/Positive Self Talk
• Once a student has
learned to keep from
thinking himself up
Anger Mountain
(remember, nobody can
make you mad) …
• THEN he can use a
calming strategy such as
one of these
The rest of the
Problem Solving
Strategies are all
predicated on being
able to “Be The Boss
of You” by using
Positive Self Talk
Taking Turns
• Conflicts over not
enough stuff, time or
attention can
degenerate to, “I don’t
care what you want, I
want what I want!”
• Using Self Talk allows
a student to avoid a
conflict by stopping to
think of the other
person as well
Taking Turns
What’s the problem from the other’s point of view?
• If we just think of
ourselves, there is really
only one solution … the
one we want
• Not getting what we
want can lead to
frustration and … well,
you know
• Thinking of both points
of view forces us to use
our self talk and gives us
a better chance to be
Taking Turns
What is the common problem we both share?
• Most of the time the
problem is described
from only the POV of the
reporter
• “He took the ball”
• “She grabbed the book”
• When the problem is
broken down, it is
usually something like,
they both wanted the
same item
• A person can’t come up
Taking Turns
What are the common solutions?
• Almost every problem
can be resolved by using
one of the following:
• Take Turns
• Do It Together
• Choose Something Else
• Again, a person can’t
come up with these if he
is angry
• Self Talk gives a person
a chance to be
successful
Taking Turns
• Students for whom
this type of conflict is
chronic need a more
targeted intervention
• Looking at a conflict
from the other’s point
of view is an important
step in developing
empathy
• It needs practice
Taking Turns
• Helping these students
to learn different ways to
take turns is one part of
the intervention:
• pick a number
• rock/paper/scissors
• day of the week
• Kids who have a Green
Zone approach will need
coaching as well, those
who need a Tier II
strategy can be taxing
“I’m Going To Bug You” game
• Sometimes when
someone bothers me
it’s like a game to see
if I’ll get upset
• Every time I react, it’s
like the other person
scores a point
• It’s a game that is
unlikely that I will win
“I’m Going To Bug You” game
• The game is like
tennis, where the ball
is the insult or teasing
that the other person
throws at me
• I can try to throw it
back but he’s probably
better at it than I am
• The harder I try, and
the less successful I
am, the more upset I
get
“I’m Going To Bug You” game
• Who says I have to
play?
• How much fun would a
tennis game be if the
other person never
had the ball returned
to him?
• However, Ignoring
doesn’t mean doing
nothing
• Our brains can’t not
pay attention to him
“I’m Going To Bug You” game
• We have to give our
brains something to do
• What would that be?
• Self Talk:
• “He’s just trying to bug
me”
• “He wants me to get
upset”
• “I don’t have to play
that game”
• “I’m the boss of me”
“I’m Going To Bug You” game
• If it becomes too
difficult to ignore
another person, don’t
keep trying until they
wear you down
• That simply reinforces
that you will eventually
‘play the game’
• Walk Away
• Play Somewhere Else
“I’m Going To Bug You” game
• Some of our kids who
need a Tier II approach
can make life miserable
for “provocative victims”
• These kids are simply
too much fun to bug
• They are guaranteed to
give a good reaction
• Either the reaction is too
much fun not to go for it
again or the retaliation is
seen to justify a repeat
“I’m Going To Bug You” game
• Both these sets of
students require a Tier II
or even Tier III
intervention
• For the provocateur, it is
Respond & Describe,
followed with Confront &
Prohibit the behaviour
• For the recipient, it is
targeted skill practice
including Self Talk and
the W/T&S skills
Standing Up For Yourself
Respectfully
Primary
Intermediate
• To avoid getting
defensive, arguing
or whining, Self Talk
is absolutely
necessary
• This is not an easy
skill to learn
• It takes practice
• Most importantly, it
takes close attention
to the use of Self
Talk
• Self Talk in this
instance occurs in two
distinct steps:
• First, prepare to use
the skill
• Second, prepare what
each of three parts of
the assertive message
is going to include
• An advantage of this
skill is that it need not
be used immediately
• That is, if you felt on
the spot or at a loss for
words, you can be
assertive … tomorrow
• However, you need to
prepare by using …
• Self Talk!
• Like the Intermediate
version, the Primary
Being Assertive poster is
focused on Self Talk
• Running through the
steps (using Self Talk)
before she says anything
prepares her to deliver
the statement effectively
• Just as importantly, the Self
Talk helps to ensure she
doesn’t get upset (whiny or
angry)
When Your Strategies Haven’t Worked
• Even the most expertly
delivered Assertive
statement is no
guarantee of success
• Nor are the strategies
of Ignoring and
Walking Away
• Sometimes you need
to report to an adult to
help you resolve the
problem
When Your Strategies Haven’t Worked
• Students are taught to
use Self Talk to ask
themselves the
following question:
• “Am I telling or
tattling?”
• In other words, “Am I
talking to the teacher
to get someone into
trouble or to get
someone (usually
yourself) out of
trouble?”
• When students report
being bothered, the
response can take the
form of one of the
following:
• Describe & Respond
• Of Concern - Confront &
Prohibit
• Of Serious Concern Report & Refer
• Focus on Bullying
Ministry of Education Website
• All of these same
principals work with
older students
• Simply use language
that is developmentally
appropriate
• We haven’t yet
“translated” the lessons
and posters into “teen”
• This resource and others
like the MindUp
curriculum focus on
mindfulness
Where To Find The
Area Counsellor Team Resources