Subject: Anger Management
Information: From the book “The
Other Side Of Love” by Dr. Gary
Chapman
Class: AFJROTC
Anger is a sign that a person is a
sinful individual – evil.
A. Yes
B. No
1. What is anger?
2. What can you do when you find yourself
getting angry?
3. What are some of the physical changes that
take place when you get angry?
4. Is it ever right to become physical with the
person you are angry at?
5. What do you do when you encounter an
angry person?
ANGER MANAGEMENT
Anger Management
Definition of Anger:
-A strong passion or emotion, excited
by a sense of injury or insult. It
involves emotions, the mind, the body,
and the will.
“And he that is of a cool spirit is a man of
understanding” (Proverbs 17:27)
“Never decide on any course or start to do
anything while emotion is agitating like a
roaring sea. The mind is easily affected by
feelings, and with a restless mind how can
we distinguish between right and wrong?”
- Watchman Nee
Anger is always stimulated
by an event
We normally don’t wake up and
decide, “Hey, I think I’ll be angry
today!”
Let’s see how it involves the
emotions, the mind and the body
You can just wake up and be angry
for no reason.
A. Yes
B. No
In order to get angry, something, an
event, must have occurred.
A. Yes
B. No
Emotions: Anger is a cluster of
emotions involving such feelings as
disappointment, hurt, rejection,
embarrassment, and other similar
feelings. We can get angry when
these emotions are activated.
The Mind: This is where we replay
the event that has caused us to get
angry.
The Body: We put a terrible amount of
stress on our bodies when we get, and stay,
angry. It is like being under distress.
Depending on the level of anger, any or all
of the following may happen:
- The adrenal glands release two hormones:
epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinephrine
(noradrenaline). These two chemicals seem to
give people the tenseness and excitement in the
heat of anger.
Did you notice how the emotions,
thoughts (mind) and the body
(physiological) are intertwined? These
compose what we call anger. Normally
anger is then expressed in behavior words or actions:
- We shout at someone
- We kick or punch something
- Withdraw in silence
What we want to discover is how we
can learn to control our thoughts
(mind) - how we interpret the events
- and our behavior - our words and
actions. This involves the will. (the
want to)
Which of the following can be better
controlled than the other two?
A. Emotions
B. Mind
C. Body
We hope to learn the following:
- Our response to anger
- Two types of anger
- Five steps to handle valid anger
(Processing anger)
-How to process distorted anger
- Destructive Responses to Anger
- What to do when you encounter an angry
person
First, Our Response To Anger Should Be:
To right a wrong by seeking justice – not
revenge - and bring about change. Some
examples:
- MADD
- SADD
- Stopping Slavery
- Our Own Personal Injustices
Our Motivation in responding to
anger must be:
- Guided by love (not revenge)
Let’s look at the two types of
anger.
My response to anger is to get
revenge – to get even!
A. True
B. False
My motivation in handling anger
must be guided by___________.
Love
Two Types of Anger:
- Definitive
- Distorted
First, definitive
Definitive anger is born of a
wrongdoing.
Treated unfairly, property stolen, lies are
told about us, etc.
It is valid in that something wrong was
actually done.
Distorted is not valid. It is triggered by a mere
disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated
effort, envy, jealously, or greed. It has nothing to
do with an actual wrongdoing. Life was simply
made inconvenient - for a time.
Could be set off due to you being tired.
Joe was walking and tripped in front of
some other students. They proceeded to
laugh at Joe. Joe got angry.
A. Definitive
B. Distorted
Let’s look at the TWO ALL IMPORTANT
QUESTIONS To Ask Before We Act:
1. Is the action I’m considering positive; will
it deal with the wrong and heal the
relationship?
2. Is the action I’m considering loving? Is it
designed for the benefit of the person I’m
angry with? (This can be hard to do.)
Simply, is it positive and is it loving?
Five Steps to Handle Valid Anger
Step 1: Acknowledge to yourself that
you are angry
Obvious - right?
The problem is the emotion of anger can
come on quickly and we can find
ourselves caught in a verbal or physical
response before we ever acknowledge
the fact. So what do you do?
Step 2: Restrain Your Immediate
Response
Do and say nothing – for now!
King Solomon said, “A fool gives full
vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps
himself under control.”
For those who let the “RED” hot
lava of anger flow, take time to
count to 10, 100, or if necessary,
1000.
Answer this, who is controlling who?
Take a time out!
What could be the result of not
restraining myself?
- Emotionally destroying someone
- Possibly inflicting physical injury – even
on yourself
- Worse yet, kill someone
- Spending the rest of your life with
regret!
Step 3: Locate The Focus of Your Anger
There are two questions to consider.
They are:
(1) What is the actual wrong
committed?
(2) How serious is the offense?
major?
How
How minor?
Forgetting to meet to purchase luggage
versus the same person cheating on his
wife - one is worse than the other.
Rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being minor
and 10 being serious.
Why give it a rating? For perspective!
Step 4: Analyze Your Options
By locating the focus of your anger and
giving it a rating, you are prepared for
step 4.
Here’s the question you should ask:
“What are the possible actions I could
take?” Here are some examples:
- You
verbally beat them up for their unloving,
uncaring, unthinking, behavior
- You could become historical bringing up all the
things in the past
- You could become physical and hit them (not a
good choice)
-Dismiss them with a mental put-down
- Seek revenge through isolation (“Let them feel
rejection for awhile”).
The Two Most Valid and
Productive Options:
(1) Lovingly confront the person or
persons
(2) Overlook the offense
Step 5, Take Constructive action:
Let’s talk about option (2) first
Overlook the Offense
- You realize that confronting will not
achieve anything positive. (How do you
know? Past experience.)
-- You choose to accept the wrong and
release the person.
You are NOT letting the other person control your
life - you’re moving on
The far more wiser response is to confront
- lovingly – (Not verbal abuse.)
- Bring it to their attention (They may be blind
to what they’ve done.)
- Be firm but kind as you lay before them what
they did or did not do.
- Recognize you might have misunderstood their
words or actions (always a possibility - restrain).
-Write down what you want to say before you
confront them.
- You
want to talk WITH, not AT, the person to
resolve your anger.
Remember, confrontation is never for
the purpose of condemning but to
restore relationships.
Confrontation does not always lead to
justice but hopefully a restored
relationship.
Summary Of The Five Steps In
Responding To Valid Anger:
1. Acknowledge to yourself you are
angry
2. Restrain your immediate response
3. Locate the focus of your anger
4. Analyze your options
5. Take constructive action
Bob is upset with Sally – angry – he will lovingly
confront her about this. Which step is Bob in for
processing definitive anger?
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry
Step 2 Restrain your response
Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger
Step 4 Analyze your options
Step 5 Take constructive action
When thinking about it, Bob realized what
had happened was not all that important. On a
scale of 1 to 10, he gave it a 2.
A. Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry
B. Step 2 Restrain your response
C. Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger
D. Step 4 Analyze your options
E. Step 5 Take constructive action
Sally told Mary that Bob was skipping classes and
getting in trouble. This was all a lie. Bob found out and
became angry. He counted to 100 before responding.
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry
Step 2 Restrain your response
Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger
Step 4 Analyze your options
Step 5 Take constructive
When Bob stopped and thought about whether to
confront or forget what Sally had told Mary, he decided
his best option would be to forget it – over look it.
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
Step 1 Acknowledge you are angry
Step 2 Restrain your response
Step 3 Locate the focus of your anger
Step 4 Analyze your options
Step 5 Take constructive
Processing Distorted Anger:
Remember, distorted anger is not valid anger.
It is triggered by a mere disappointment,
an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort.
You did not get what you wanted.
(Buying luggage.)
In distorted anger, the alleged wrong is
only in your perception; there is no real
wrongdoing!
Two questions you must ask yourself:
What wrong was committed? And, am I
sure I have all of the facts?
Roger simply forgot: Forgetting
is a human phenomenon that we have
all experienced and will experience
from time to time. (Not an excuse for
being irresponsible.)
Betty was going to cut the grass for her mom and dad as a
surprise. She tried to crank the mower but it would not
start. Betty got extremely angry at the mower and started
calling it bad names.
A. Definitive
B. Distorted
Processing distorted anger:
Step 1: Share Information
- Tell the person involved, in a noncondemning way, about your concern.
Step 2: Gathering Information
Here’s Roger’s chance to explain why he did
not show-up to buy luggage.
Step 3: Negotiate Understanding
- Express how the situation made you
feel
- Then listen to the other person’s
response
- - This allows you to understand the
person’s actions and them to understand
your feelings
Step 4: Request Change
- This step is optional
- Many will respond in a positive
way if they are requested to change
and not demanded or manipulated
Summary of The Four Steps of
Processing Distorted Anger:
1. Share Information - not a verdict
2. Gather Information
3. Negotiate Understanding
4. Request Change (Optional)
Always determine if your anger is
distorted when using these steps.
Susie decided to tell Author she was hurt and frustrated
over him failing to show up for their appointment.
A.
B.
C.
D.
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Share Information - not a verdict
Gather Information
Negotiate Understanding
Request Change (Optional)
Susie suggested to Author that he make a note
to himself to remind him to meet her for the
appointment so he would not forget again.
A.
B.
C.
D.
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Share Information - not a verdict
Gather Information
Negotiate Understanding
Request Change (Optional)
Susie allowed Author to explain what had
happened – why he did not show up for their
appointment.
A.
B.
C.
D.
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Share Information - not a verdict
Gather Information
Negotiate Understanding
Request Change (Optional)
After Author explained why he forgot, Susie
stressed to him to understand how it made her feel.
A.
B.
C.
D.
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Share Information - not a verdict
Gather Information
Negotiate Understanding
Request Change (Optional)
Destructive Responses to Anger
Two Negative Responses To Anger:
- Explosive Anger
- Implosive Anger
Both are dangerous and are not
acceptable ways of handling
anger
Explosive Behavior
- Expressed either in word or actions
-- Verbal abuse
-- Physical abuse
- Uncontrolled anger is at the root of
both of these
Exploding verbally:
- Just as bad as physical – except the
scars are on the inside
“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but
the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
From the book of Proverbs
-”Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory bank
of our children, friends, family, etc.”
- Charles R. Swindol
If we constantly make withdrawals, there ends up
being a negative balance of emotional strength in
memory bank accounts.
Implosive
Anger
Defined as “a bursting inwards”
Motivated out of fear of
confrontation; belief that feeling or
expressing anger is wrong
Recognizing Implosive Anger:
- You
can’t see it
- Yet, just as destructive as explosive anger
- Whereas explosive anger begins with rage and
may quickly turn into violence, implosive anger
begins with:
-- Silence and withdrawal
-- Leads to resentment and bitterness
-- Eventually, hatred of the person
Implosive Anger is Characterized by
Three Behaviors:
- Denial
- Withdrawal
- Brooding
- - Practiced by those who believe anger to be
wrong
Results of Implosive Anger:
-Physiological and Psychological Stress
on the angry person
--It will hurt you physically and
emotionally
Eric threw a rock at Steven after Steven
made fun of him.
A. Explosive
B. Implosive
Blanca never tells people who have made her
angry anything pertaining to the incident. She’s
afraid to.
A. Explosive
B. Implosive
Can lead to bitterness – hate – with
this type of behavior.
A. Explosive
B. Implosive
Freddy was very angry at Teddy and said some very hurtful
things leaving scars that you can not see with the naked eye.
A. Explosive
B. Implosive
Now, Redirected Anger
- Shows anger toward people not even involved
- Usually it’s redirected at family members
- Opens a huge can of worms
-- More people get angry - innocent people
-- When the person you redirected your anger
toward gets angry at you, you now get angry at
them for being angry at you – “How dare
them”
A Very Important Thing!!!!!!!
Asking For Forgiveness:
- The flip side - you wronged someone
- You don’t have to wait to be confronted
- Confess, agree, and repent, take action
to not repeat the wrong
Think about it this way:
“Holding on to resentment –
not forgiving – is like drinking
poison and expecting the other
person to die.” (Forgiveness 101)
When You Encounter An Angry
Person:
- Their anger could be either definitive or distorted
- -Will be handled the same way
Seven Steps When Responding To An
Angry Person:
Step 1. Listen
Step 2. Listen
Step 3. Listen
NO KIDDING!
Step 1: The best thing you can do is listen to the
angry person
- Lets you determine how angry they are
- You’re getting some of the basics of the person’s
story
Step 2: After hearing the angry person’s story once,
have them repeat it
-- Lets the angry person know that you are taking
them seriously - that you want to understand
Step 3: Now that you have listened to their
story twice, ask some questions
-- Allows you to gather more information
to clarify your understanding of the angry
person’s situation
-- Allows the angry person to get out all of
their concerns
Step 4: Seek to understand the angry
person’s plight - the reason they’re
angry
-- Calls for you being empathic
-- Try to visualize how you would feel
if it were you
Step 5: Express to the angry person your
understanding of the situation
-- Spoken with kindness in your voice
-- Even if the person might have facts
wrong, don’t try to correct at this point
-- Affirm the person’s feelings of anger
Step 6: Share additional information that
may shed light on the subject
-- After hearing their story and seeking
clarification, you can now modify or
challenge their information
-- Must be done with respect and
empathy
Step 7: Confess any wrongdoing on your part and
perform restitution
-- If the person’s anger was definitive, you must
admit to the wrong and ask for forgiveness
-- Restitution means you might owe someone some
money or help in some form
If their anger was distorted, hopefully at
this point they realize it and are asking
you for forgiveness
You will never encounter angry
people.
A. True
B. False
The frst three steps in handling an
angry person is to just listen.
A. True
B. False
Which step in handling an angry person still requires
you to listen but you can ask questions too?
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
G.
Step 1 Listen
Step 2 Listen
Step 3 Listen
Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation
– how they feel
Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation
Step 6 Share additional information with the angry
person
Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution
This step is where you are being empathic with the
angry person.
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
G.
[
Step 1 Listen
Step 2 Listen
Step 3 Listen
Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation
– how they feel
Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation
Step 6 Share additional information with the angry
person
Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution
Step might require you to actually pay for or
replace something the angry person owned.
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
G.
Step 1 Listen
Step 2 Listen
Step 3 Listen
Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation
– how they feel
Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation
Step 6 Share additional information with the angry
person
Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution
After Maria listened carefully to angry Betty, Maria felt it
safe to tell Betty she might be mistaken and give her more
information about the situation.
A.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
G.
Step 1 Listen
Step 2 Listen
Step 3 Listen
Step 4 Seek to Understand the angry person’s situation
– how they feel
Step 5 Express your understanding of the situation
Step 6 Share additional information with the angry
person
Step 7 Confess any wrongdoing and make restitution
In Summary, What We Have Covered:
- Our response to anger
- Two types of anger
- Two all important questions
- How to make anger productive
-- Five steps to handle valid anger
(Processing anger)
-- How to process distorted anger
- Destructive Responses to Anger
- What to do when you are angry at yourself
And Last,
- What to do when you encounter an angry
person
The End!