1. Today, we mailed to you an
information packet on our latest
course offerings.
1. Today, we mailed to you an information
packet on our latest course offerings.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
The sentence is in “we” view;
doesn’t tell the audience what they want to know;
doesn’t say when the info packet should arrive.
Revision:
You should receive an information packet with our latest
course offerings on Thursday.
2. Because you were late to the meeting,
we assigned you to work the polling
booth at 7am on Saturday.
2. Because you were late to the meeting, we
assigned you to work the polling booth at
7am on Saturday.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
“you” is used – (in negative situations, the reader should
be deemphasized)
“you” is used – singles out the reader (refer to the group
instead)
Revision:
Anyone late to the meeting is working the polling booth
at 7am on Saturday.
3. I hope you understand that we are very
interested in hiring you for the position.
3. I hope you understand that we are very
interested in hiring you for the position.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
Is in “we” view (when it’s positive, should be in
“you” view)
Revision:
You are an excellent candidate for the position.
4. We made an error in your favor, so
you’ll be getting a refund of $12.72.
4. We made an error in your favor, so you’ll
be getting a refund of $12.72.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
Is in “we” view;
Unnecessary negative, omit (possibly)
Doesn’t indicate what the reader wants to know
Revision:
Due to the error, you will get a refund of $12.72
on June 1, 2014.
5. Susan Brightman said she wouldn’t
accept the job offer unless the salary
was increased by $10,000.
5. Susan Brightman said she wouldn’t
accept the job offer unless the salary
was increased by $10,000.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
stated in the negative
Revision:
Susan Brightman will accept the job offer if
the salary is increased by $10,000.
6. Just in case one of our employees is
unreliable, we should prepare a backup
plan for an unfortunate problems that
might arise.
6. Just in case one of our employees is
unreliable, we should prepare a backup plan
for an unfortunate problems that might arise.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
Unnecessary negative
Singles out employees
Doesn’t include reader benefit (phrased positively)
Revision:
We should prepare a backup plan to ensure the
process goes smoothly.
7. Even though our meeting took
considerable time and was inconvenient, I
enjoyed chatting with you on Saturday.
Your plan isn’t missing anything important
and doesn’t make me worry about its
feasibility.
7. Even though our meeting took considerable time
and was inconvenient, I enjoyed chatting with you
on Saturday. Your plan isn’t missing anything
important and doesn’t make me worry about its
feasibility.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
unnecessary negatives
Phrasing is negative (should be flipped to positive)
Revision:
Our meeting was successful on Saturday. Your plan
includes the important information and is feasible.
8. Please notify the publisher of the
magazine of your change of address as
soon as possible to prevent a disruption
of subscription service.
8. Please notify the publisher of the magazine of
your change of address as soon as possible to
prevent a disruption of subscription service.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
doesn’t include reader benefit (it’s phrased as negative)
negative phrasing
Revision:
Please notify the publisher of the magazine about the
address change to ensure delivery.
9. I was Treasurer of the Accounting Club. Of
course, we didn’t have much money so I
didn’t have much responsibility, but I was
able to put into practice principles I
learned in the classroom.
9. I was Treasurer of the Accounting Club. Of
course, we didn’t have much money so I didn’t
have much responsibility, but I was able to put
into practice principles I learned in the
classroom.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
unnecessary negative
Revision:
Being the former Treasurer of the Accounting
Club, I was able to put into practice principles I
learned in the classroom.
10. If you submitted a travel request, as
you claim, we have failed to receive it.
10. If you submitted a travel request, as you
claim, we have failed to receive it.
What’s wrong with the sentence?:
Negative wording.
Hostile phrasing
Doesn’t tell the reader what they need to know or
can do.
Revision:
We have not received the travel request. Please
submit a new form by June 1.