Awaken t he Giant Wit hin
Ant hony Robbins
DREAMS OF DESTI NY
1
DECI SI ONS: THE PATHWAY TO POWER
THE FORCE THAT SHAPES YOUR LI FE
BELI EF SYSTEMS:
CAN CHANGE HAPPEN I N AN I NSTANT?
OF NEURO- ASSOCI ATI VE CONDI TI ONI NG™
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
QUESTI ONS ARE THE ANSWER
THE VOCABULARY OF ULTI MATE SUCCESS
THE POWER OF LI FE METAPHORS
THE TEN EMOTI ONS OF POWER
CREATI NG A COMPELLI NG FUTURE
THE TEN- DAY MENTAL CHALLENGE
12
28
44
69
80
100
123
141
162
175
195
222
ULTI MATE I NFLUENCE: YOUR MASTER SYSTEM
LI FE VALUES: YOUR PERSONAL COMPASS
RULES: I F YOU'RE NOT HAPPY, HERE'S WHY!
REFERENCES: THE FABRI C OF LI FE
I DENTI TY: THE KEY TO EXPANSI ON
231
242
264
284
299
EMOTI ONAL DESTI NY: THE ONLY TRUE SUCCESS - DAY ONE
PHYSI CAL DESTI NY: PRI SON OF PAI N OR PALACE OF PLEASURE DAY TWO
RELATI ONSHI P DESTI NY: THE PLACE TO SHARE AND CARE - DAY THREE
FI NANCI AL DESTI NY: SMALL STEPS TO A SMALL ( OR LARGE) FORTUNE - DAY FOUR
MASTER YOUR TI ME AND YOUR LI FE – DAY SI X
REST AND PLAY: EVEN GOD TOOK ONE DAY OFF! DAY SEVEN
316
318
326
329
345
348
THE ULTI MATE CHALLENGE: WHAT ONE PERSON CAN DO
350
1
DREAMS OF DESTI NY
A consist ent m an believes in dest iny, a capricious 1 m an in chance.
BENJAMI N DI SRAELI
We all have dream s... We all want t o believe deep down in our souls t hat we have a special gift , t hat
we can m ake a difference, t hat we can t ouch ot hers in a special way, and t hat we can m ake t he world
a bet t er place. At one t im e in our lives, we all had a vision for t he qualit y of life t hat we desire and
1
ca pr iciou s launisch
deserve. Yet , for m any of us, t hose dream s have becom e so shrouded 2 in t he frust rat ions and rout ines
of daily life t hat we no longer even m ake an effort t o accom plish 3 t hem . For far t oo m any, t he dream
has dissipat ed 4 —and wit h it , so has t he will t o shape our dest inies. Many have lost t hat sense of
cert aint y t hat creat es t he winner's edge. My life's quest has been t o rest ore t he dream and t o m ake it
real, t o get each of us t o rem em ber and use t he unlim it ed power t hat lies sleeping wit hin us all.
I ´ ll never forget t he day it really hit m e t hat I was t ruly living m y dream . I was flying m y j et
helicopt er from a business m eet ing in Los Angeles, t raveling t o Orange Count y on t he way t o one of
m y sem inars. As I flew over t he cit y of Glendale, I suddenly recognized a large building, and I st opped
t he helicopt er and hovered above it . As I looked down, I realized t his was t he building t hat I 'd worked
in as a j anit or 5 a m ere t welve years ago!
I n t hose day s, I had been concerned w het her m y 1960 Volkswagen would hang t oget her for t he
30- m inut e t rip t o work, m y life had been focused on how I was going t o survive; I had felt fearful and
alone. But t hat day, as I hovered t her e in t he sky, I t hought , " What a difference a decade can m ake! " I
did have dream s back t hen, but at t he t im e, it seem ed t hey'd never be realized. Today, t hough, I 've
com e t o believe t hat all m y past failure and frust rat ion were act ually laying t he foundat ion for t he
underst andings t hat have creat ed t he new level of living I now enj oy. As I cont inued m y flight sout h
along t he coast al rout e, I spot t ed dolphins playing wit h t he surfers in t he waves below. I t 's a sight t hat
m y wife, Becky, and I t reasure as one of life's special gift s. Finally, I reached I rvine. Looking below, I
was a lit t le dist urbed when I saw t hat t he off ram p t o m y sem inar was j am m ed wit h bum per- t obum per t raffic for m ore t han a m ile. 1 t hought t o m yself, " Boy, I hope what ev er else is going on
t onight get s st art ed soon so t hat t he people com ing t o m y sem inar arrive on t im e."
But as I descended t o t he helipad, I began t o see a new pict ure: t housands of people being held
back by securit y where I was j ust about t o land. Suddenly I began t o grasp t he realit y. The t raffic j am
had been caused by people going t o m y event ! Alt hough we had expect ed approxim at ely 2,000
at t endees, I was facing a crowd of 7,000—in an audit orium t hat would hold only 5,000! When I walked
int o t he arena from t he landing pad, I was surrounded by hundreds of people who want ed t o give m e a
hug or t ell m e how m y work had posit ively im pact ed t heir lives.
The st ories t hey shared w it h m e were incredible. One m ot her int roduced m e t o her son who had
been labeled " hyperact ive" and " learning disabled." Ut ilizing t he principles of st a t e m a n a ge m e n t
t aught in t his book, she was not only able t o get him off t he drug Rit alin, but t hey had also since been
t ransferred t o California where her son had been r et est ed and evaluat ed at t he level of genius! You
should have seen his face as she shared wit h m e his new label. A gent lem an t alked about how he had
freed him self from cocaine using som e of t he Su cce ss Con dit ion in g t echniques you'll learn in t his
book. A couple in t heir m id- fift ies shared wit h m e t hat , aft er fift een years of m arriage, t hey had been
on t he brink of divorce unt il t hey learned about pe r son a l r u le s. A salesm an t old m e how his m ont hly
incom e had j um ped from $2,000 t o over $12,000 in a m ere six m ont hs, and an ent repr eneur relat ed
t hat he had increased cor porat e rev enues by over $3 m illion in eight een m ont hs by applying t he
2
sh r ou d 1. Leichent uch; 2. übert ragen hüllen
a ccom plish erreichen; leist en
4
dissipa t e ( sich) zerst reuen; verschw enden
5
j a n it or Am . Hausm eist er ( in)
3
principles of qu a lit y qu e st ion s and e m ot ion a l m a n a ge m e n t . A lovely young wom an showed m e a
pict ure of her form er self, having lost fift y- t wo pounds by applying t he principles of le ve r a ge t hat are
det ailed in t his book.
I was t ouched so deeply by t he em ot ions in t hat room t hat I got choked 6 up, and at first I
couldn't speak. As I looked out on m y audience and saw 5,000 sm iling, cheering, loving faces, in t hat
m om ent I realized t hat I am living m y dream ! What a feeling t o know t hat beyond a shadow of a doubt
I had t he inform at ion, st rat egies, philosophies, and skills t hat could assist any one of t hese people in
em powering t hem selves t o m ake t he changes t hey desired m ost ! A flood of im ages and em ot ions
flowed over m e. I began t o rem em ber an experience I 'd had only a few years before, sit t ing in m y
400- square- foot bachelor apart m ent in Venice, California, all alone and crying as I list ened t o t he lyrics
of a Neil Diam ond song: " I am , I said, t o no one t here. And no one heard at all, not even t he chair. I
am , I cried. I am , said I . And I am lost , and I can't even say why, leavin' m e lonely st ill." I
rem em bered feeling like m y life didn't m at t er, as if t he event s of t he world were cont rolling m e. I also
rem em ber t he m om ent m y life changed, t he m om ent I finally said, " I 've had it ! I know I 'm m uch m ore
t han I 'm dem onst rat ing m ent ally, em ot ionally, and physically in m y life." I m ade a decision in t hat
m om ent which was t o alt er m y life forever. I de cide d t o ch a n ge vir t u a lly 7 e ve r y a spe ct of m y life .
I decided I w ould never again set t le for less t han I could be. Who would have guessed t hat t his
decision would bring m e t o such an incredible m om ent ?
I gave m y all at t he sem inar t hat night , and when I left t he audit orium , crowds of people
followed m e t o t he helicopt er t o see m e off. To say I was deeply m oved by t he experience would be an
underst at em ent . A t ear slid down m y cheek as I t hanked m y Creat or for t hese wonderful gift s. As I
lift ed off t he grass and ascended int o t he m oonlight , I had t o pinch m yself. Could t his be r eal? Am I
t he sam e guy who eight years ago was st ruggling, frust rat ed, feeling alone and incapable of m aking
m y life work? Fat , broke, and wondering if I could even survive? How could a young kid like m e wit h
not hing but a high school educat ion have creat ed such dram at ic changes?
My answer is sim ple: I learned t o harness t he principle I now call con ce n t r a t ion of pow e r .
Most people have no idea of t he giant capacit y we can im m ediat ely com m and when we focus all of our
resources on m ast ering a single area of our lives. Cont rolled focus is like a laser beam t hat can cut
t hrough anyt hing t hat seem s t o be st opping you. W h e n w e focu s con sist e n t ly on im pr ove m e n t in
a n y a r e a , w e de ve lop u n iqu e dist in ct ion s on h ow t o m a k e t h a t a r e a be t t e r . One reason so few
of us achieve what we t ruly want is t hat we never direct our focus; we never concent rat e our power.
Most people dabble t heir way t hrough life, never deciding t o m ast er anyt hing in part icular. I n fact , I
believe m ost people fail in life sim ply because t hey m aj or in m inor t hings. I believe t hat one of life's
m aj or lessons is learning t o underst and what m akes us do what we do. What shapes hum an behavior?
The answers t o t his quest ion provide crit ical keys t o shaping your own dest iny.
My ent ire life has been cont inually driven by a singular, com pelling focus: What m akes t he
difference in t he qualit y of people's lives? How is it t hat so oft en people from such hum ble beginnings
and devast at ing backgrounds m anage in spit e of it all t o creat e lives t hat inspire us? Conversely, why
6
chok e 1. t ransit iv es Verb ( er) würgen, ( auch int ransit ives Verb) er st icken; choke back Ärger unt erdr ücken,
Tränen zurückhalt en; choke down hinunt er würgen; choke up verst opfen; 2. MOTOR Choke, Luft klappe
7
vir t u a lly pr akt isch, so gut wie
do m any of t hose born int o privileged environm ent s, wit h every resource for success at t heir fingert ips,
end up fat , frust rat ed, and oft en chem ically addict ed? What m akes som e people's lives an exam ple and
ot hers' a war ning? What is t he secret t hat creat es passionat e, happy, and grat eful lives in m any, while
for ot hers t he refrain m ight be, " I s t hat all t here is?"
My own m agnificent obsession began wit h som e sim ple quest ions: " How can I t ake im m e dia t e
con t r ol of m y life? What can I do t oday t hat can m ake a difference—t hat could help m e and ot hers t o
shape our dest inies? How can I expand, learn, grow, and share t hat knowledge wit h ot hers in a
m eaningful and enj oyable way?"
At a very early age, I developed a belief t hat we're all here t o cont ribut e som et hing unique, t hat
deep wit hin each of us lies a special gift . You see, I t ruly believe we all have a sleeping giant wit hin us.
Each of us has a t alent , a gift , our own bit of genius j ust wait ing t o be t apped. I t m ight be a t alent for
art or m usic. I t m ight be a special way of relat ing t o t he ones you love. I t m ight be a genius for selling
or innovat ing or reaching out in your business or your career. I choose t o believe t hat our Creat or
doesn't play favorit es, t hat we've all been creat ed unique, but wit h equal opport unit ies for
experiencing life t o t he fullest . I decided m any years ago t hat t he m ost im port ant way I could spend
m y life would be t o invest it in som et hing t hat would out last it . I decided t hat som ehow I m ust
cont ribut e in som e way t hat would live on long aft er I was gone.
Today, I have t he incredible privilege of sharing m y ideas and feelings wit h lit erally m illions of
people t hrough m y books, t apes, and t elevision shows. I 've personally worked wit h over a quart er of a
m illion people in t he last few years alone. I 've assist ed m em bers of Congress, CEOs, president s of
com panies and count ries, m anagers and m ot hers, salespeople, account ant s, lawyers, doct ors,
psychiat rist s, counselors, and professional at hlet es. I 've worked wit h phobics, t he clinically depr essed,
people wit h m ult iple personalit ies, and t hose who t hought t hey had no personalit y. Now I have t he
unique good fort une of sharing t he best of what I 've learned wit h you, and for t hat opport unit y I am
t ruly grat eful and excit ed.
Through it all, I 've cont inued t o recognize t he power individuals have t o change virt ually
anyt hing and everyt hing in t heir lives in an inst ant . I 've learned t hat t he resources we need t o t urn our
dream s int o realit y are wit hin us, m erely wait ing for t he day when we decide t o wake up and claim our
birt hright . I wrot e t his book for one reason: t o be a wake- up call t hat will challenge t hose who are
com m it t ed t o living and being m ore t o t ap t heir God- given power. There are ideas and st rat egies in
t his book t o help you produce specific, m easurable, long- last ing changes in yourself and ot hers.
You see, I believe I know who you really are. I believe you and I m ust be kindred souls. Your
desire t o expand has brought you t o t his book. I t is t he invisible hand t hat guided you. I know t hat no
m at t er where you are in your life, you want m ore! No m at t er how well you're already doing or how
challenged you now m ay be, deep inside of you t here lies a belief t hat your experience of life can and
will be m uch great er t han it already is. You are dest ined for your own unique form of great ness,
whet her it is as an out st anding professional, t eacher, businessperson, m ot her, or fat her. Most
im port ant ly, you not only believe t his, but you've t aken act ion. You not only bought t his book, but
you're also doing som et hing right now t hat unfort unat ely is unique—you're reading it ! St at ist ics show
t hat less t han 10 percent of people who buy a book read past t he first chapt er. What an unbelievable
wast e! This is a giant book t hat you can use t o produce giant result s in your life. Clearly, you're t he
kind of person who won't cheat yourself by dabbling. By consist ent ly t aking advant age of each of t he
chapt ers in t his book, you'll ensure your abilit y t o m axim ize your pot ent ial.
I challenge you not only t o do what ever it t akes t o read t his book in it s ent iret y ( unlike t he
m asses who quit ) but also t o use what you learn in sim ple ways each day. This is t he all- im port ant
st ep t hat 's necessary for you t o produce t he result s you're com m it t ed t o.
H OW TO CREATE LASTI N G CH AN GE
For changes t o be of any t rue value, t hey've got t o be last ing and consist ent . We've all experienced
change for a m om ent , only t o feel let down and disappoint ed in t he end. I n fact , m any people at t em pt
change wit h a sense of fear and dread because unconsciously t hey believe t he changes will only be
t em porary. A prim e exam ple of t his is som eone who needs t o begin diet ing, but finds him self put t ing it
off, prim arily because he unconsciously knows t hat what ever pain he endures in order t o creat e
t he change w ill bring him only a short - t erm reward. For m ost of m y life I 've pursued what I consider t o
be t he organizing principles of last ing change, and you'll learn m any of t hese and how t o ut ilize t hem
in t he pages t hat follow. But for now, I 'd like t o share wit h you t hree elem ent ary principles of change
t hat you and I can use im m ediat ely t o change our lives. While t hese principles are sim ple, t hey are
also ext rem ely powerful when t hey are skillfully applied. These are t he exact sam e changes t hat an
individual m ust m ake in order t o creat e personal change, t hat a com pany m ust m ake in order t o
m axim ize it s pot ent ial, and t hat a count ry m ust m ake in order t o carve out it s place in t he world. I n
fact , as a world com m unit y t hese are t he changes t hat we all m ust m ake t o preserve t he
qualit y of life around t he globe.
STEP ONE
Ra ise You r St a n da r ds
An y t im e you sin ce r e ly w a n t t o m a k e a ch a n ge , t h e fir st t h in g you m u st do is t o r a ise you r
st a n da r ds. When people ask m e what really changed m y life eight years ago, I t ell t hem t hat
absolut ely t he m ost im port ant t hing was changing what I dem anded of m yself. I wrot e down all t he
t hings I would no longer accept in m y life, all t he t hings I would no longer t olerat e, and all t he t hings
t hat I aspired t o becom ing.
Think of t he far- reaching consequences set in m ot ion by m en and wom en who raised t heir
st andards and act ed in accordance wit h t hem , deciding t hey would t olerat e no less. Hist ory chronicles
t he inspiring exam ples of people like Leonardo da Vinci, Abraham Lincoln, Helen Keller, Mahat m a
Gandhi, Mart in Lut her King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Albeit Einst ein, Cesar Chavez, Soichiro Honda, and m any
ot hers who t ook t he m agnificent ly powerful st ep of raising t heir st andards. The sam e pow er t hat was
available t o t hem is available t o you, if you have t he courage t o claim it . Changing an organizat ion, a
com pany, a count ry—or a world—begins wit h t he sim ple st ep of changing yourself.
STEP TWO
Ch a n ge You r Lim it in g Be lie fs
I f you raise your st andards but don't really believe you can m eet t hem , you've already sabot aged
yourself. You won't even t ry; you'll be lacking t hat sense of cert aint y t hat allows you t o t ap t he
deepest capacit y t hat 's wit hin you even as you read t his. Our beliefs are like unquest ioned com m ands,
t elling us how t hings are, what 's possible and what 's im possible, what we can and can not do. They
shape every act ion, every t hought , and every feeling t hat we experience. As a result , changing our
belief syst em s is cent ral t o m aking any real and last ing change in our lives. We m ust develop a sense
of cert aint y t hat we can and will m eet t he new st andards before we act ually do.
Wit hout t aking cont rol of your belief syst em s, you can raise your st andards as m uch as you like,
but you'll never have t he convict ion t o back t hem up. How m uch do you t hink Gandhi would have
accom plished had he not believed wit h every fiber of his being in t he power of nonviolent opposit ion?
I t was t he congruence of his beliefs which gave him access t o his inner resources and enabled him t o
m eet challenges which would have swayed a less com m it t ed m an. Em powering beliefs—t his sense of
cert aint y—is t he force behind any great success t hroughout hist ory.
STEP THREE
Ch a n ge You r St r a t e gy
I n order t o keep your com m it m ent , you need t he best st rat egies for achieving result s. One of m y core
beliefs is t hat if you set a higher st andard, and you can get your self t o believe, t hen you cert ainly can
figure out t he st rat egies. You sim ply will find a way. Ult im at ely, t hat 's what t his whole book is about . I t
shows you st rat egies for get t ing t he j ob done, and I 'll t ell you now t hat t he best st rat egy in alm ost any
case is t o find a role- m odel, som eone who's already get t ing t he result s you want , and t hen t ap int o
t heir knowledge. Learn what t hey're doing, what t heir core beliefs are, and how t hey t hink. Not only
will t his m ake you m ore effect ive, it will also save you a huge am ount of t im e because you won't have
t o reinvent t he wheel. You can fine- t une it , reshape it , and perhaps even m ake it bet t er.
This book will provide you wit h t he inform at ion and im pet us t o com m it t o all t hree of t hese m ast er
principles of qualit y change: it will help you raise your st andards by discovering what t hey current ly
are and realizing what you want t hem t o be; it will help you change t he core beliefs t hat are keeping
you from where you want t o go and enhance t hose t hat already serve you; and it will assist you in
developing a series of st rat egies for m ore elegant ly, quickly, and efficient ly producing t he result s you
desire.
You see, in life, lot s of people know what t o do, but few people act ually do what t hey know.
Knowing is not enough! You m ust t ake act ion. I f you will allow m e t he oppor t unit y, t hrough t his book
I 'll be your personal coach. What do coaches do? Well, first , t hey care about you. They've spent year s
focusing on a part icular area of expert ise, and t hey've cont inued t o m ake key dist inct ions about how t o
produce r esult s m ore quickly. By ut ilizing t he st rat egies your coach shares wit h you, you can
im m ediat ely and dram at ically change your perform ance. Som et im es, your coach doesn't even t ell you
som et hing new, but rem inds you of what you already know, and t hen get s you t o do it . This is t he
role, wit h your perm ission, t hat I 'll be playing for you.
On what , specifically, will I be coaching you? I 'll offer you dist inct ions of power in how t o creat e
last ing im provem ent s in t he qualit y of your life. Toget her, we will concent rat e on ( not dabble in! ) t he
m ast ery of t he five areas of life t hat I believe im pact us m ost . They are:
1 . Em ot ion a l M a st e r y
Mast ering t his lesson alone will t ake you m ost of t he way t oward m ast ering t he ot her four! Think about
it . Why do you want t o lose weight ? I s it j ust t o have less fat on your body? Or is it because of t he way
you t hink you'd feel if you freed yourself of t hose unwant ed pounds, giving yourself m ore energy and
vit alit y, m aking yourself feel m ore at t ract ive t o ot hers, and boost ing your confidence and self- est eem
t o t he st rat osphere? Virt ually everyt hing we do is t o change t he way we feel—yet m ost of
us have lit t le or no t raining in how t o do t his quickly and effect ively. I t 's am azing how oft en we use t he
int elligence at our com m and t o work ourselves int o unresourceful em ot ional st at es, forget t ing about
t he m ult it ude of innat e t alent s each of us already possesses. Too m any of us leave ourselves at t he
m ercy of out side event s over which we m ay have no cont rol, failing t o t ake charge of our em ot ions—
over which we have all t he cont rol—and relying inst ead on short - t erm quick fixes. How else can we
explain t he fact t hat , while less t han 5 percent of t he world's populat ion lives in t he Unit ed St at es, we
consum e m ore t han 50 percent of t he world's cocaine? Or t hat our nat ional defense budget , which
current ly runs in t he billions, is equaled by what we spend on alcohol consum pt ion? Or t hat 15 m illion
Am ericans are diagnosed every year as clinically depressed, and m ore t han $500 m illion wort h of
prescript ions are writ t en for t he ant idepressant drug Prozac?
I n t his book, you will discover what m akes you do what you do, and t he t riggers for t he
em ot ions you experience m ost oft en. You will t hen be given a st ep- by- st ep plan t o show you how t o
ident ify which em ot ions are em powering, which are disem powering, and how t o use bot h kinds t o your
best advant age so t hat your em ot ions becom e not a hindrance, but inst ead a powerful t ool in helping
you achieve your highest pot ent ial.
2 . Ph ysica l M a st e r y
I s it wort h it t o have ever yt hing you've ever dream ed of, yet not have t he physical healt h t o be able t o
enj oy it ? Do you wake up every m orning feeling energized, powerful, and ready t o t ake on a new day?
Or do you wake up feeling as t ired as t he night before, riddled wit h aches, and resent ful at having t o
st art all over again? Will your current lifest yle m ake you a st at ist ic? One of every t wo Am ericans dies
of coronary disease; one of t hree dies of cancer. To borrow a phrase from t he sevent eent h- cent ury
physician Thom as Moffet t , we are " digging our graves wit h our t eet h" as we cram our bodies wit h
high- fat , nut rit ionally em pt y foods, poison our syst em s wit h cigaret t es, alcohol, and drugs, and sit
passively in front of our TV set s. This second m ast er lesson will help you t ake cont rol of your physical
healt h so t hat you not only look good, but you feel good and know t hat you're in cont rol of your life, in
a body t hat r adiat es vit alit y and allows you t o accom plish your out com es.
3 . Re la t ion sh ip M a st e r y
Ot her t han m ast ering your own em ot ions and physical healt h, t here is not hing I can t hink of t hat is
m ore im port ant t han learning t o m ast er your relat ionships—rom ant ic, fam ily, business, and social.
Aft er all, who want s t o learn, grow, and becom e successful and happy all by t hem selves? The t hird
m ast er lesson in t his book will reveal t he secret s t o enable you t o creat e qualit y relat ionships—first
wit h yourself, t hen wit h ot hers. You will begin by discovering what you value m ost highly, what
your expect at ions are, t he rules by which you play t he gam e of life, and how it all relat es t o t he ot her
players. Then, as you achieve m ast ery of t his all- im port ant skill, you will learn how t o connect wit h
people at t he deepest level and be rewarded wit h som et hing we all want t o experience: a sense of
cont ribut ion, of knowing t hat we have m ade a difference in ot her people's lives. I 've found t hat , for m e,
t he great est resource is a relat ionship because it opens t he door s t o every resource I need. Mast ery
of t his lesson will give you unlim it ed resources for growing and cont ribut ing.
4 . Fin a n cia l M a st e r y
By t he t im e t hey reach t he age of sixt y- five, m ost Am ericans are eit her dead broke—or dead! That 's
hardly what m ost people envision for t hem selves as t hey look ahead t o t he golden age of ret irem ent .
Yet wit hout t he convict ion t hat you deserve financial well- being, backed up by a workable gam e plan,
how can you t urn your t reasured scenario int o realit y? The fourt h m ast er lesson in t his book will t each
you how t o go beyond t he goal of m ere survival in your aut um n years of life, and even now, for
t hat m at t er. Because we have t he good fort une t o live in a capit alist societ y, each of us has t he
capabilit y t o carry out our dream s. Yet m ost of us experience financial pressure on an ongoing basis,
and we fant asize t hat having m ore m oney would relieve t hat pressure. This is a grand cult ural
delusion—let m e assure you t hat t he m ore m oney you have, t he m ore pressur e you're likely t o feel.
The key is not t he m ere pursuit of wealt h, but changing your beliefs and at t it udes about it so you see
it as a m eans for cont ribut ion, not t he end- all and be- all for happiness.
To forge a financial dest iny of abundance, you will first learn how t o change what causes scarcit y
in your life, and t hen how t o experience on a consist ent basis t he values, beliefs, and em ot ions t hat
are essent ial t o experiencing wealt h and holding on t o it and expanding it . Then you'll define your
goals and shape your dream s wit h an eye t oward achieving t he highest possible level of well- being,
filling you wit h peace of m ind and freeing you t o look forward wit h excit em ent t o all t he possibilit ies
t hat life has t o offer.
5 . Tim e M a st e r y
Mast er pieces t ake t im e. Yet how m any of us really know how t o use it ? I 'm not t alking about t im e
m anagem ent ; I 'm t alking about act ually t aking t im e and dist ort ing it , m anipulat ing it so t hat it
becom es your ally rat her t han your enem y. The fift h m ast er lesson in t his book will t each you, first ,
how short - t erm evaluat ions can lead t o long- t erm pain. You will learn how t o m ake a real decision and
how t o m anage your desire for inst ant aneous grat ificat ion, t hus allowing your ideas, your creat ions—
even your own pot ent ial—t he t im e t o reach full fruit ion. Next you'll learn how t o design t he necessary
m aps and st r at egies for following up on your decision, m aking it a realit y wit h t he willingness t o t ake
m assive act ion, t he pat ience t o experience " lag t im e," and t he flexibilit y t o change your approach as
oft en as needed. Once you have m ast ered t im e, you will underst and how t rue it is t hat m ost people
overest im at e what t hey can accom plish in a year—and underest im at e what t hey can achieve in a
decade!
I 'm not sharing t hese lessons wit h you t o say t hat I have all t he answers or t hat m y life has been
perfect or sm oot h. I 've cer t ainly had m y share of challenging t im es. But t hrough it all, I 've m anaged t o
learn, persist , and cont inually succeed t hroughout t he years. Each t im e I 've m et a challenge,
I 've used what I 've learned t o t ake m y life t o a new level. And, like yours, m y level of m ast ery in t hese
five areas cont inues t o expand.
Also, living m y lifest yle m ay not be t he answer for you. My dream s and goals m ay not be yours.
I believe, t hough, t hat t he lessons I 've learned about how t o t urn dream s int o realit y, how t o t ake t he
int angible and m ake it real, are fundam ent al t o achieving any level of personal or professional success.
I w r ot e t h is book t o be a n a ct ion gu ide —a t e x t book for in cr e a sin g t h e qu a lit y of y ou r life a n d
t h e a m ou n t of e n j oym e n t t h a t you ca n pu ll fr om it . While I 'm obviously ext rem ely proud of m y
first book. Unlim it ed Power, and t he im pact it 's had on people all over t he world, I feel t his book will
bring you som e new and unique dist inct ions of power t hat can help you m ove your life t o t he next level.
We'll be reviewing som e of t he fundam ent als, since repet it ion is t he m ot her of skill. Therefore, I
hope t his will be a book you'll read again and again, a book you'll com e back t o and ut ilize as a t ool t o
t rigger yourself t o find t he answers t hat already lie inside you. Even so, rem em ber t hat as you read
t his book, you don't have t o believe or use everyt hing wit hin it . Grab hold of t he t hings you t hink are
useful; put t hem in act ion im m ediat ely. You won't have t o im plem ent all of t he st rat egies or use all of
t he t ools in t his book t o m ake som e m aj or changes. All have life- changing pot ent ial individually; used
t oget her, however, t hey will produce explosive result s.
This book is filled wit h t he st rat egies for achieving t he success you desire, wit h organizing
principles t hat I have m odeled from som e of t he m ost powerful and int erest ing people in our cult ure.
I 've had t he unique oppor t unit y t o m eet , int erview, and m odel a huge variet y of people—people wit h
im pact and unique charact er—from Norm an Cousins t o Michael Jackson, from coach John Wooden t o
financial wizard John Tem plet on, from t he capt ains of indust ry t o cab drivers. I n t he following pages,
you'll find not only t he benefit s of m y own experience, but t hat of t he t housands of books, t apes,
sem inars, and int erviews t hat I 've accum ulat ed over t he last t en years of m y life, as I cont inue t he
excit ing, ongoing quest of learning and growing a lit t le bit m ore, every single day.
The purpose of t his book is not j ust t o help you m ake a singular change in your life, but rat her
t o be a pivot poin t t hat can assist you in t aking your ent ire life t o a new level. The focus of t his book
is on creat ing globa l ch a n ge s. What do I m ean by t his? Well, you can learn t o m ake changes in your
life—overcom e a fear or a phobia, increase t he qualit y of a relat ionship, or overcom e your pat t ern of
procrast inat ing. All t hese are incredibly valuable skills, and if you've read Unlim it ed Power, you've
already learned m any of t hem . However, as you cont inue t hrough t he following pages, you'll find t hat
t here are key le ve r a ge poin t s wit hin your life t hat , if you m ake one sm all change, will lit erally
t ransform every aspect of your life.
This book is designed t o offer you t he st rat egies t hat can help you t o creat e, live, and enj oy t he
life you current ly m ay only be dream ing of. I n t his book you will learn a series of sim ple and specific
st rat egies for a ddr e ssin g t h e ca u se of a n y ch a lle n ge a n d ch a n gin g it w it h t h e le a st a m ou n t of
e ffor t . For exam ple, it m ight be hard for you t o believe t hat m erely by changing one word t hat is part
of your habit ual vocabulary, you could im m ediat ely change your em ot ional pat t erns for life. Or t hat by
changing t he consist ent quest ions t hat you consciously or unconsciously ask yourself, you could
inst ant ly change what you focus on and t herefore w hat act ions you t ake ever y day of your life. Or t hat
by m aking one belief change, you could powerfully change your level of happiness. Yet in t he following
chapt ers you'll learn t o m ast er t hese t echniques—and m any m ore—t o effect t he changes you desire.
And so it 's wit h great respect t hat I begin t his relat ionship wit h you as t oget her we begin a
j ourney of discovery and t he act ualizat ion of our deepest and t ruest pot ent ials. Life is a gift , and it
offers us t he privilege, opport unit y, and responsibilit y t o give som et hing back by becom ing m ore.
So let 's begin our j ourney by exploring ..
2
DECI SI ONS: THE PATHWAY TO POWER
M a n is bor n t o live a n d n ot t o pr e pa r e t o live .
BORI S PASTERNAK
Do you rem em ber when Jim m y Cart er was st ill t he President of t he Unit ed St at es, t he Em pire was
st riking back, Yoda and Pac Man were t he rage, and not hing cam e bet ween Brooke Shields and her
Calvins? The Ayat ollah Khom eini had com e t o power in I ran and held our fellow Am ericans host age. I n
Poland, an elect rician from t he Gdansk shipyards nam ed Lech Walesa did t he unt hinkable: he decided
t o t ake a st and against t he Com m unist hold. He led his co- workers in a st rike, and when t hey t ried t o
lock him out of his place of work, he sim ply clim bed over t he wall. A lot of walls have com e down since
t hen, haven't t hey?
Do you rem em ber hearing t he news t hat John Lennon was m urdered? Do you rem em ber w hen
Mount Saint Helens erupt ed, leveling 150 squar e m iles? Did you cheer when t he underdog U.S. hockey
t eam beat t he Soviet s, and went on t o win t he Olym pic gold m edal? That was 1980, a lit t le m ore t han
t en years ago.
Think for a m om ent . Wher e were you t hen? What were you like? Who were your friends? What
were your hopes and dream s? I f som eone had asked you, " Where will you be in t en or fift een years?"
what would you have t old t hem ? Are you t oday where you want ed t o be back t hen? A decade can pass
quickly, can't it ?
More im port ant ly, m aybe we should be asking ourselves, " H ow a m I goin g t o live t h e n e x t
t e n ye a r s of m y life ? H ow a m I goin g t o live t oda y in or de r t o cr e a t e t h e t om or r ow I 'm
com m it t e d t o? W h a t a m I goin g t o st a n d for fr om n ow on ? What 's im port ant t o m e right now,
and what will be im port ant t o m e in t he long t erm ? What act ions can I t ake t oday t hat will shape m y
ult im at e dest iny?"
You see, t en years from now, you will surely arrive. The quest ion is: Where? Who will you have
becom e? How will you live? What will you cont ribut e? Now is t he t im e t o design t he next t en years of
your life—not once t hey're over. We m ust seize t he m om ent . We're already im m ersed in t he early pan
of a new decade, and we're ent ering t he final years of t he t went iet h cent ury/ And short ly we'll be in
t he t went y- first cent ury, a new m illennium . The year 2000 will be here befor e you know it , and in a
m ere t en years, you'll be looking back on t his day and rem em ber ing it like you do 1980. Will you be
pleased when you look back on t he ninet ies, or pert urbed? Delight ed, or dist urbed?
I n t he beginning of 1980,1 was a ninet een- year- old kid. I felt alone and frust rat ed. I had
virt ually no financial resources. There w ere no success coaches available t o m e, no successful friends
or m ent ors, no clear- cut goals. I was floundering and fat . Yet wit hin a few short years I discovered a
power t hat I used t o t ransform virt ually every area of m y life. And once I 'd m ast ered it , I used it t o
revolut ionize m y life in less t han a year. I t was t he t ool I used t o dram at ically increase m y level of
confidence and t herefore m y abilit y t o t ake act ion and produce m easurable r esult s. I also used it t o
t ake back cont rol of m y physical well- being and per m anent ly rid m yself of t hirt y- eight pounds of fat .
Through it , I at t ract ed t he wom an of m y dream s, m arried her, and creat ed t he fam ily I desired. I used
t his power t o change m y incom e from subsist ence level t o over $1 m illion a year. I t m oved m e from
m y t iny apart m ent ( where I was washing m y dishes in t he bat ht ub because t here was no kit chen) t o
m y fam ily's current hom e, t he Del Mar Cast le. This one dist inct ion t ook m e from feeling com plet ely
alone and insignificant t o feeling grat eful for new opport unit ies t o cont ribut e som et hing t o m illions of
people around t he world. And it 's a power I cont inue t o use ever y single day of m y life t o shape m y
personal dest iny.
I n Unlim it ed Power, I m ade it abundant ly clear t hat t he m ost powerful way t o shape our lives is
t o get ourselves t o t ake act ion. The difference in t he result s t hat people produce com es down t o what
t hey've done different ly from ot hers in t he sam e sit uat ions. D iffe r e n t a ct ion s pr odu ce diffe r e n t
r e su lt s. Why? Because any act ion is a cause set in m ot ion, and it s effect builds on past effect s t o
m ove us in a definit e direct ion. Every direct ion leads t o an ult im at e dest inat ion: our dest iny.
I n essence, if we want t o direct our lives, we m ust t ake cont rol of our consist ent act ions. I t 's not
what we do once in a while t hat shapes our lives, but what we do consist ent ly. The key and m ost
im port ant quest ion, t hen, is t his: What precedes all of our act ions? What det erm ines what act ions we
t ake, and t herefore, who we becom e, and what our ult im at e dest inat ion is in life? What is t he fat her of
act ion?
The answer, of course, is what I 've been alluding t o all along: t he pow e r of de cision .
Everyt hing t hat happens in your life—bot h what you're t hrilled wit h and what you're challenged by—
began wit h a decision. I be lie ve t h a t it 's in you r m om e n t s of de cision t h a t you r de st in y is
sh a pe d. The decisions t hat you're m aking right now, every day, will shape how you feel t oday as well
as who you're going t o becom e in t he ninet ies and beyond.
As you look back over t he last t en years, were t here t im es when a different decision would have
m ade your life radically different from t oday, eit her for bet t er or for worse? Maybe, for exam ple, you
m ade a career decision t hat changed y our life. Or m aybe you failed t o m ake one. Maybe you decided
during t he last t en years t o get m arried—or divorced. You m ight have purchased a t ape, a book, or
at t ended a sem inar and, as a result , changed your beliefs and act ions. Maybe you decided t o have
children, or t o put it off in pursuit of a career. Perhaps you decided t o invest in a hom e or a business.
Maybe you decided t o st art exercising, or t o give it up. I t could be t hat you decided t o st op sm oking.
Maybe you decided t o m ove t o anot her part of t he count ry, or t o t ake a t rip around t he world. How
have t hese decisions brought you t o t his point in your life?
Did you experience em ot ions of t ragedy and frust rat ion, inj ust ice or hopelessness during t he last
decade of your life? I know I cert ainly did. I f so, what did you decide t o do about t hem ? Did you push
beyond your lim it s, or did you j ust give up? How have t hese decisions shaped your current life pat h?
M a n is n ot t h e cr e a t u r e of cir cu m st a nce s; cir cu m st a n ce s a r e t h e cr e a t u r e s
of m e n .
BENJAMI N DI SRAELI
More t han anyt hing else, I believe it 's our decisions, not t he condit ions of our lives, t hat
det erm ine our dest iny. You and I bot h know t hat t here are people who were born wit h advant ages:
t hey've had genet ic advant ages, environm ent al advant ages, fam ily advant ages, or relat ionship
advant ages.
Yet you and I also know t hat we const ant ly m eet , read, and hear about people who against all
odds have ex ploded beyond t he lim it at ions of t heir condit ions by m aking new decisions about what t o
do wit h t heir lives. They've becom e ex am ples of t he unlim it ed power of t he hum an spirit .
I f w e de cide t o, you a n d I ca n m a k e ou r live s on e of t h e se in spir in g e x a m ple s. How?
Sim ply by m aking decisions t oday about how we're going t o live in t he ninet ies and beyond. I f you
don't m ake decisions about how you're going t o live, t hen you've already m ade a decision, haven't you?
You're m aking a decision t o be direct ed by t he environm ent inst ead of shaping your own dest iny. My
whole life changed in j ust one day—t he day I det er m ined not j ust what I 'd like t o have in m y life or
what I want ed t o becom e, but when I decided who and what I was com m it t ed t o having and being in
m y life. That 's a sim ple dist inct ion, but a crit ical one.
Think for a m om ent . I s t here a difference bet ween being int erest ed in som et hing, and being
com m it t ed t o it ? You bet t here is! Many t im es people say t hings like, " Gosh, I really would like t o m ake
m ore m oney," or " I 'd like t o be closer t o m y kids," or " You know, I 'd really like t o m ake a difference in
t he world." But t hat kind of st at em ent is not a com m it m ent at all. I t 's m erely st at ing a preference,
saying, " I 'm int erest ed in having t his happen, if I don't have t o do anyt hing." That 's not power! I t 's a
weak prayer m ade wit hout even t he fait h t o launch it .
Not only do you have t o decide what result s you are com m it t ed t o, but also t he kind of person
t hat you're com m it t ed t o becom ing. As we discussed in Chapt er 1, you have t o set st andards for what
you consider t o be accept able behavior for yourself, and decide w hat you should expect from t hose
you care about . I f you don 't se t a ba se lin e st a n da r d for w h a t you 'll a cce pt in you r life , you 'll
fin d it 's e a sy t o slip in t o be h a vior s a n d a t t it u de s or a qu a lit y of life t h a t 's fa r be low w h a t you
de se r ve . You need t o set and live by t hese st andar ds no m at t er what happens in your life. Even if it
all goes wrong, even if it rains on your parade, even if t he st ock m arket crashes, even if your lover
leaves you even if no one gives you t he support t hat you need, you st ill m ust st ay com m it t ed t o your
decision t hat you will live your life at t he highest level.
Unfort unat ely, m ost people never do t his because t hey're t oo busy m aking excuses. The reason
t hey haven't achieved t heir goals or are not living t he lives t hey desire is because of t he way t heir
parent s t r eat ed t hem , or because of t he lack of opport unit ies t hat t hey experienced in t heir yout h, or
because of t he educat ion t hey m issed, or because t hey're t oo old, or because t hey're t oo young. All of
t hese excuses are not hing but B.S. ( Belief Syst em s) ! And t hey're not only lim it ing, t hey're dest ruct ive.
Using t he power of decision gives you t he capacit y t o get past any excuse t o change any and
every pan of your life in an inst ant . I t can change y our relat ionships, your working environm ent , your
level of physical fit ness, your incom e, and your em ot ional st at es. I t can det erm ine whet her you're
happy or sad, whet her you're frust rat ed or excit ed, enslaved by circum st ances, or expressing your
freedom . I t 's t he source of change wit hin an individual, a fam ily, a com m unit y, a societ y, our world.
What 's changed everyt hing in East ern Europe in t he last few years? The people t here—people like you
and m e—hav e m ade new decisions about what t hey'll st and for, what 's accept able and unaccept able t o
t hem and what t hey'll no longer t olerat e. Cert ainly Gorbat chows decisions helped pave t he way, but
Lech Walesa's det erm inat ion and com m it m ent t o a higher st andard built t he road t o m assive econom ic
and polit ical change.
I oft en ask people who com plain about t heir j obs, " Why did you go t o work t oday?" Their answer
usually is, " Because I had t o." You and I need t o rem em ber one t hing: t here is virt ually not hing t hat
we have t o do in t his count ry. You cert ainly don't have t o go t o work. Not here! And you cert ainly don't
have t o work at a part icular locat ion on a part icular day. Not in Am erica! You don't have t o do what
you've done for t he last t en years. You can decide t o do som et hing else, som et hing new, t oday. Right
n ow you ca n m a k e a de cision : t o go back t o school, t o m ast er dancing or singing, t o t ake cont rol of
your finances, t o learn t o fly a helicopt er, t o t urn your body int o an inspirat ion, t o begin m edit at ing, t o
enroll' in ballroom dancing, t o at t end a NASA space cam p, t o learn t o speak French, t o read m ore t o
your children, t o spend m ore t im e in t he flower garden, even t o fly t o Fij i and live on an island. I f you
t r u ly de cide t o you ca n do a lm ost a n yt h in g. So if you don't like t he current relat ionship you're in,
m ake t he decision now t o change it . I f you don't like your current j ob, change it . I f you don't like t he
way you feel about yourself, change it . I f it 's a higher level of physical vit alit y and healt h you want ,
you can change it now. I n a m om ent you can seize t he sam e pow er t hat has shaped hist or y.
I 've writ t en t his book t o challenge you t o a w a k e n t h e gia n t pow e r of de cision and t o cla im
t h e bir t h r igh t of u n lim it e d pow e r , r a dia n t vit a lit y, a n d j oyou s pa ssion t h a t is you r s! You m ust
know t hat you can m ake a new decision right now t hat will im m ediat ely change your life—a decision
about a habit you'll change or a skill t hat you'll m ast er, or how you'll t reat people, or a call t hat you'll
now m ake t o som eone you haven't spoken t o in years. Maybe t here's som eone you should cont act t o
t ake your career t o t he next level. Maybe you could m a k e a de cision r igh t n ow t o enj oy and
cult ivat e t he m ost posit ive em ot ions t hat you deser ve t o experience daily. I s it possible you m ight
choose m ore j oy or m ore fun or m ore confidence or m ore peace of m ind? Even before you t urn t he
page, you can m ake use of t he power t hat already resides wit hin you. Make t he decision now t hat can
send you in a new, posit ive, and power ful direct ion for growt h and happiness.
N ot h in g ca n r e sist t h e h u m a n w ill t h a t w ill st a k e e ve n it s e x ist e n ce on it s
st a t e d pu r pose .
BENJAMI N DI SRAELI
Your life changes t he m om ent you m ake a n e w , con gr u e n t , and com m it t e d de cision . Who
would have t hought t hat t he det erm inat ion and convict ion of a quiet , unassum ing m an—a lawyer by
t rade and a pacifist by principle—would have t he power t o t opple a vast em pire? Yet Ma- hat m a
Gandhi's indom it able decision t o rid I ndia of Brit ish rule was a virt ual powder keg t hat set in m ot ion a
chain of event s t hat would forever change t he balance of world power. People didn't see how he could
accom plish his aim s, but he'd left him self no ot her choice t han t o act according t o his conscience. He
sim ply wouldn't accept any ot her possibilit y.
Decision was t he source of John F. Kennedy's power as he faced off Nikit a Khrushchev during t he
t ense Cuban Missile Crisis and avert ed World War I I I . Decision was t he source of Mart in Lut her King,
Jr.'s power as he gave voice so eloquent ly t o t he frust rat ions and aspirat ions of a people who would no
longer be denied, and forced t he world t o t ake not ice. Decision was t he source of Donald Trum p's
m et eoric rise t o t he t op of t he financial world, and also t he source of his devast at ing downfall. I t 's t he
power t hat allowed Pet e Rose t o m axim ize his physical abilit ies t o Hall of Fam e pot ent ial—and t hen
ult im at ely t o dest roy his life's dr eam . Decisions act as t he source of bot h problem s and incredible j oys
and opport unit ies. This is t he pow er t hat sparks t he process of t urning t he invisible int o t he visible.
True decisions are t he cat alyst for t urning our dream s int o realit y.
Th e m ost e x cit in g t h in g a bou t t h is for ce , t h is pow e r , is t h a t you a lr e a dy posse ss it . The
explosive im pet us of decision is not som et hing reserved for a select few wit h t he right credent ials or
m oney or fam ily background. I t 's available t o t he com m on laborer as well as t he king. I t 's available t o
you now as you hold t his book in your hands. I n t he very next m om ent you can use t his m ight y force
t hat lies wait ing wit hin you if you m erely m ust er t he courage t o claim it . Will t oday be t he day you
finally decide t hat who you are as a person is m uch m ore t han you've been dem onst rat ing? Will t oday
be t he day y ou decide once and for all t o m ake your life consist ent wit h t he qualit y of your spirit ? Then
st art by proclaim ing, " This is who I am . This is what m y life is about . And t his is what I 'm going t o do.
Not hing will st op m e from achieving m y dest iny. I will not be denied! "
Consider a fiercely proud individual, a wom an nam ed Rosa Parks, who one day in 1955 st epped
ont o a bus in Mont gom ery , Alabam a, and refused t o give up her seat t o a whit e person as she was
legally required t o do. Her one quiet act of civil disobedience sparked a firest orm of cont roversy and
becam e a sy m bol for generat ions t o follow. I t was t he beginning of t he civil right s m ovem ent , a
con sciou sn e ss- a w a k e nin g ground swell t hat we are grappling wit h even t oday as we redefine t he
m eaning of equalit y, opport unit y, and j ust ice for all Am ericans regardless of race, creed, or sex. Was
Rosa Parks t hinking of t he fut ure when she refused t o give up her seat in t hat bus? Did she have a
divine plan for how she could change t he st ruct ure of a societ y? Perhaps. But what is m ore likely is
t hat her decision t o hold herself t o a higher st andar d com pelled her t o act . What a far- reaching effect
one wom an's decision has had!
I f you're t hinking, " I 'd love t o m ake decisions like t hat , but I 've experienced r eal t ragedies," let
m e offer you t he exam ple of Ed Robert s. He is an " ordinary" m an confined t o a wheelchair who
becam e ext r aordinary by his decision t o act beyond his apparent lim it at ions. Ed has been paralyzed
from t he neck down since he was fourt een years old. He uses a breat hing device t hat he's m ast ered
against great odds t o lead a " norm al" life by day, and he spends every night in an iron lung. Having
fought a bat t le against polio, several t im es alm ost losing his life, he cert ainly could have decided t o
focus on his own pain, but inst ead chose t o m ake a difference for ot hers.
Just what has he m anaged t o do? For t he last fift een years, his decision t o fight against a world
he oft en found condescending has result ed in m any enhancem ent s t o t he qualit y of life for t he disabled.
Facing a m ult it ude of m yt hs about t he capabilit ies of t he physically challenged, Ed educat ed t he public
and init iat ed everyt hing from wheelchair access ram ps and special parking spaces t o grab bars. He
becam e t he first quadriplegic t o graduat e from t he Universit y of California, Berkeley, and he event ually
held t he posit ion of direct or of t he California St at e Depart m ent of Rehabilit at ion, again pioneering t his
posit ion for t he disabled.
Ed Robert s is powerful evidence t hat it 's not where you st art out but t he decisions you m ake
about where you're det er m ined t o end up t hat m at t er. All of his act ions were founded in a single,
powerful, com m it t ed m om ent of decision. What could you do wit h your life if you really decided t o?
Many people say, " Well, I 'd love t o m ake a decision like t hat , but I 'm not sure how I could
change m y life." They're paralyzed by t he fear t hat t hey don't know exact ly how t o t urn t heir dream s
int o realit y. And as a result , t hey never m ake t he decisions t hat could m ake t heir lives int o t he
m ast erpieces t hey deserve t o be. I 'm here t o t ell you t hat it 's not im port ant init ially t o know how
you're going t o creat e a result . What 's im port ant is t o decide you w ill fin d a w a y , no m at t er what . I n
Unlim it ed Power, I out lined what I call " The Ult im at e Success Form ula," which is an elem ent ary
process for get t ing you where you want t o go: 1) Decide what you want , 2) Take act ion, 3) Not ice
what 's working or not , and 4) Change your approach unt il you achieve what you want . Deciding t o
produce a r esult causes event s t o be set in m ot ion. I f you sim ply decide what it is you want , get
yourself t o t ake act ion, learn from it , and change your approach, t hen you will creat e t he m om ent um
t o achieve t he result . As soon as you t ruly com m it t o m aking som et hing happen, t he " how" will reveal
it self.
Con ce r n in g a ll a ct s of in it ia t ive a nd cr e a t ion , t h e r e is one e le m e n t a r y
t r u t h —t h a t t he m om e n t on e de fin it e ly com m it s one se lf, t h e n Pr ovide n ce
m ove s, t oo.
—JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE
I f m aking decisions is so sim ple and powerful, t hen why don't m ore people follow Nike's advice
and " Just Do I t " ? I t hink one of t he sim plest reasons is t hat m ost of us don't recognize what it even
m eans t o m ake a real decision. We don't realize t he force of change t hat a congruent , com m it t ed
decision creat es. Part of t he problem is t hat for so long m ost of us have used t he t erm " decision" so
loosely t hat it 's com e t o describe som et hing like a wish list . I nst ead of m aking decisions, we keep
st at ing prefer ences. Making a t rue decision, unlike saying, " I 'd like t o quit sm oking," is cut t ing off any
ot her possibilit y. I n fact , t he word " decision" com es from t he Lat in root s de, which m eans " from ," and
caedere, which m eans " t o cut ." M a k ing a t r u e de cision m e a n s com m it t in g t o a ch ie vin g a r e su lt ,
a n d t h e n cu t t in g you r se lf off fr om a n y ot h e r possibilit y.
When you t ruly decide you'll never sm oke cigaret t es again, t hat 's it . I t 's over! You no longer
even consider t he possibilit y of sm oking. I f you're one of t he people who's ever exercised t he power of
decision t his way, you know exact ly what I 'm t alking about . An alcoholic knows t hat even aft er years
of absolut e sobriet y, if he fools him self int o t hinking t hat he can t ake even one drink, he'll have t o
begin all over again. Aft er m aking a t rue decision, even a t ough one, m ost of us feel a t rem endous
am ount of relief. We've finally got t en off t he fence! And we all know how great it feels t o have a clear,
unquest ioned obj ect ive.
This kind of clarit y gives you power. Wit h clarit y, you can produce t he result s t hat you really
want for your life. The challenge for m ost of us is t hat we haven't m ade a decision in so long we've
forgot t en what it feels like. We've got flabby decision- m aking m uscles! Som e people even have a hard
t im e deciding what t hey're going t o have for dinner.
So how do we st rengt hen t hese m uscles? Give t hem a workout ! Th e w a y t o m a k e be t t e r
de cision s is t o m a k e m or e of t h e m . Then m ake sure you learn from each one, including t hose t hat
don't seem t o work out in t he short t er m : t hey will provide valuable dist inct ions t o m ake bet t er
evaluat ions and t herefore decisions in t he fut ure. Realize t hat decision m aking, like any skill you focus
on im proving, get s bet t er t he m ore oft en you do it . The m ore oft en you m ake decisions, t he m ore
you'll realize t hat you t ruly are in cont rol of your life. You'll look forward t o fut ure challenges, and
you'll see t hem as an opport unit y t o m ake new dist inct ions and m ove your life t o t he next level.
I can't overem phasize t he power and value of gaining even one, single dist inct ion—a sole piece
of inform at ion—t hat can be used t o change t he cour se of your life. I n for m a t ion is pow e r w h e n it 's
a ct e d u pon , and one of m y crit eria for a t rue decision is t hat act ion flows from it . The excit ing t hing is
t hat you never know when you're going t o get it ! The reason I r ead over 700 books, list ened t o t apes,
and went t o so m any sem inars is t hat I underst ood t he power of a single dist inct ion. I t m ight be on t he
next page or in t he next chapt er of t his book. I t m ight even be som et hing you already know. But for
som e reason, t his is t he t im e it finally sinks in and you begin t o use it . Rem em ber t hat r e pe t it ion is
t h e m ot h e r of sk ill. Dist inct ions em power us t o m ake bet t er decisions and, t herefore, creat e t he
result s t hat we desire for ourselves. Not having cert ain dist inct ions can cause you m aj or pain. For
exam ple, m any of t he m ost fam ous people in our cult ure have achieved t heir dream s but have st ill not
found a way t o enj oy t hem . They oft en t urn t o drugs because t hey feel unfulfilled. This is because t hey
are m issing t he dist inct ion bet ween achieving one's goals and livin g on e 's va lu e s, som et hing you will
learn t o m ast er in t he pages t o follow. Anot her dist inct ion t hat m any people don't have causes pain in
t heir relat ionships on a regular basis. I t 's a rules dist inct ion, anot her key elem ent w e'll be exam ining in
our j ourney of self- discovery. Som et im es, not having a cert ain dist inct ion can cost you everyt hing.
People who run st renuously 8 yet cont inue t o eat fat t y foods, clogging up t heir art eries, court heart
at t acks.
For m ost of m y life, I 've pursued what t he fam ed business expert Dr. W. Edwards Dem ing calls
profound knowledge. To m e, profound knowledge is any sim ple dist inct ion, st rat egy, belief, skill, or
t ool t hat , t he m inut e we underst and it , we can apply it t o m ake im m ediat e increases in t he qualit y of
our lives. This book and m y life have been com m it t ed t o pursuing profound knowledge t hat has
universal applicat ion t o im proving our personal and professional lives. I 'm const ant ly figuring out how
t o com m unicat e t his knowledge wit h people in ways t hat t ruly em power t hem t o im prove t heir m ent al,
em ot ional, physical, and financial dest inies.
I t is in your m om ent s of decision t hat your dest iny is shaped.
—ANTHONY ROBB1NS
8
st r e n u ou s anst r engend; uner m üdlich
Three decisions t hat you m ake every m om ent of your life cont rol your dest iny. These t hree decisions
det erm ine what you'll not ice, how you'll feel, what you'll do, and ult im at ely what you will cont ribut e
and who you becom e. I f you don't cont rol t hese t hree decisions, you sim ply aren't in cont rol of your
life. When you do cont rol t hem , you begin t o sculpt your experience.
The t hree decisions t hat cont rol your dest iny are:
1. Your decisions about w h a t t o focu s on.
2. Your decisions about w h a t t h in gs m e a n t o you .
3. Your decisions about w h a t t o do t o creat e t he r esult s you desire.
You see, it 's not what 's happening t o you now or what has happened in your past t hat det erm ines who
you becom e. Rat her, it 's y ou r de cision s a bou t w h a t t o focu s on , w h a t t h in gs m e a n t o you , a n d
w h a t you 'r e goin g t o do a bou t t h e m t h a t w ill de t e r m in e you r u lt im a t e de st in y . Know t hat if
anyone is enj oying great er success t han you in any area, t hey're m aking t hese t hree decisions
different ly from you in som e cont ext or sit uat ion. Clearly, Ed Robert s chose t o focus on som et hing
different t han m ost people in his posit ion would. He focused on how he could m ake a difference. His
physical difficult ies m eant " challenge" t o him . What he decided t o do, clearly, was anyt hing t hat could
m ake t he qualit y of life for ot hers in his posit ion m ore com fort able. He absolut ely com m it t ed him self t o
shaping t he environm ent in a way t hat would im prove t he qualit y of life for all physically challenged
people.
" I know of no m ore encouraging fact t han t he unquest ionable abilit y of m an t o elevat e his life by a
conscious endeavor."
—HENRY DAVI D THOREAU
Too m any of us don't m ake t he m aj orit y of our decisions consciously, especially t hese t hree absolut ely
crucial ones; in so doing, we pay a m aj or price. I n fact , m ost people live what I call "Th e N ia ga r a
Syn dr om e ." I believe t hat life is like a river, and t hat m ost people j um p on t he river of life wit hout
ever really deciding where t hey want t o end up. So, in a short period of t im e, t hey get caught up in t he
current : curr ent event s, current fears, current challenges. When t hey com e t o forks in t he river, t hey
don't consciously decide where t hey want t o go, or which is t he right direct ion or t hem . They m erely
" go wit h t he flow." They becom e a part of t he m ass of people who are direct ed by t he environm ent
inst ead of by t heir own values. As a result , t hey feel out of cont rol. They rem ain in t his unconscious
st at e unt il one day t he sound of t he raging wat er awakens t hem , and t hey discover t hat t hey're five
feet from Niagara Falls in a boat wit h no oars. At t his point , t hey say, " Oh, shoot ! " But by t hen it 's t oo
lat e. They're going t o t ake a fall. Som et im es it 's an em ot ional fall. Som et im es it 's a physical fall.
Som et im es it 's a financial fall. I t 's lik e ly t h a t w h a t e ve r ch a lle n ge s you h a ve in you r life
cu r r e n t ly cou ld h a ve be e n a voide d by som e be t t e r de cision s u pst r e a m .
How do we t urn t hings around if we're caught up in t he m om ent um of t he raging river? Eit her
m ake a decision t o put bot h oars in t he wat er and st art paddling like crazy in a new direct ion, or
decide t o plan ahead. Set a course for where you really want t o go, and have a plan or m ap so t hat
you can m ake qualit y decisions along t he way.
Alt hough you m ay never have even t hought about it , your brain has already const ruct ed an
int ernal syst em for m aking decisions. This syst em act s like an invisible force, direct ing all of your
t hought s, act ions, and feelings, bot h good and bad, every m om ent t hat you live. I t cont rols how you
evaluat e everyt hing in your life, and it 's largely driven by your subconscious m ind. The scary t hing is
t hat m ost people never consciously set t his syst em up. I nst ead, it 's been inst alled t hrough t he years
by sources as diverse as parent s, peer s, t eachers, t elevision, advert isers, and t he cult ure at large. This
syst em is com prised of five com ponent s: 1) your core be lie fs and u n con sciou s r u le s, 2) your life
va lue s, 3) your r e fe r e n ce s, 4) t he h a bit u a l qu e st ion s t hat you ask yourself, and 5) t he e m ot ion a l
st a t e s you experience in each m om ent . The synergist ic relat ionship of t hese five elem ent s exert s a
force t hat 's r esponsible for prom pt ing you t o or st opping you from t aking act ion, causing you t o
ant icipat e or worry about t he fut ure, m aking you feel loved or rej ect ed, and dict at ing your level of
success and happiness. I t det erm ines why you do what you do and why you don't do som e t hings t hat
you know you need t o do.
By changing any one of t hese five elem ent s—whet her it 's a core belief or rule, a value, a
reference, a quest ion, or an em ot ional st at e—you can im m ediat ely produce a powerful and m easurable
change in your life. Most im port ant ly, you'll be fight ing t he cause inst ead of t he effect s. Rem em ber, if
you're overeat ing on a regular basis, t he real cause is usually a values problem or a beliefs problem
rat her t han a problem wit h food it self. Throughout t his book, st ep- by- st ep, I 'll be guiding you in
discovering how your m a st e r syst e m of decision m aking is set up, and you'll be m aking sim ple
changes t o m ake it consist ent wit h your desires—rat her t han cont inue t o be cont rolled by your past
condit ioning. You're about t o em bark on a fascinat ing j ourney of discovering who you are and what
t ruly m akes you do what you do. Wit h t hese dist inct ions of power, you'll be able t o underst and t he
syst em of decision m aking t hat your business associat es, spouse, and ot her loved ones are using.
You'll finally be able t o underst and t heir " fascinat ing" behaviors, t oo!
The good news is t hat we can override t his syst em by m aking conscious decisions at any
m om ent in our lives. W e don 't h a ve t o a llow t h e pr ogr a m m in g of ou r pa st t o con t r ol ou r
pr e se n t a n d fu t u r e . Wit h t his book, you can reinvent yourself by syst em at ically organizing your
beliefs and values in a way t hat pulls you in t he direct ion of your life's design.
" I am not discouraged, because every wrong at t em pt discarded is anot her st ep forward."
—THOMAS EDI SON
There is one final im pedim ent t o really ut ilizing t he power of decision. That is t hat we m ust overcom e
our fears of m aking t he wrong decisions. Wit hout a doubt , you will m ake wrong decisions in your life.
You're going t o screw up! I know I cert ainly haven't m ade all t he right decisions along t he way. Far
from it . But I didn't expect t o. Nor will I always m ake t he right decisions in t he fut ure. I have
det erm ined t hat no m at t er what decisions I m ake, I 'll be flexible, look at t he consequences, learn from
t hem , and use t hose lessons t o m ake bet t er decisions in t he fut ure. Re m e m be r : Su cce ss t r u ly is t h e
r e su lt of good j u dgm e n t . Good j u dgm e n t is t h e r e su lt of e x pe r ie n ce , a n d e x pe r ie n ce is oft e n
t h e r e su lt of ba d j u dgm e n t ! Those seem ingly bad or painful experiences are som e t im es t he m ost
im port ant . When people succeed, t hey t end t o part y; when t hey fail, t hey t end t o ponder, and t hey
begin t o m ake new dist inct ions t hat will enhance t he qualit y of t heir lives. We m ust com m it t o learning
from our m ist akes, rat her t han beat ing ourselves up, or we're dest ined t o m ake t he sam e m ist akes
again in t he fut ure.
As im port ant as personal experience is, t hink how invaluable it is t o have a role m odel as well—
som eone who's navigat ed t he rapids before you and has a good m ap for you t o follow. You can have a
role m odel for your finances, a m odel for your relat ionships, a m odel for your healt h, a m odel for your
profession, or a m odel for any aspect of your life you're learning t o m ast er. They can save you years of
pain and keep you from going over t he falls.
There will be t im es when you're on t he river solo and you'll have t o m ake som e im port ant
decisions on your own. The good news is t hat if you're willing t o learn from your experience, t hen even
t im es you m ight t hink were difficult becom e great because t hey provide valuable inform at ion —k e y
dist in ct ion s— t hat you will use t o m ake bet t er decisions in t he fut ure. I n fact , any ext rem ely
successful person you m eet will t ell you—if t hey're honest wit h you—t hat t he reason t hey'r e m ore
successful is t hat t hey've m ade m ore poor decisions t han you have. People in m y sem inars oft en ask
m e, " How long do you t hink it will t ake for m e t o really m ast er t his part icular skill?" And m y im m ediat e
response is, " How long do you want it t o t ake?" I f you t ake act ion t en t im es a day ( and have t he
proport ionat e " learning experiences" ) while ot her people act on a new skill once a m ont h, you'll have
t en m ont hs of experience in a day, you will soon m ast er t he skill, and will, ironically, probably be
considered " t alent ed and lucky."
I becam e an excellent public speaker because, rat her t han once a week, I booked m yself t o
speak t hree t im es a day t o anyone who would list en. While ot hers in m y organizat ion had fort y- eight
speaking engagem ent s a year, I would have a sim ilar num ber wit hin t wo weeks. Wit hin a m ont h, I 'd
have t wo years of experience. And wit hin a year, I 'd have a decade's wort h of growt h. My associat es
t alked about how " lucky" I was t o have been born wit h such an " innat e" t alent . I t ried t o t ell t hem
what I 'm t elling you now: m ast ery t akes as long as you want it t o t ake. By t he way, were all of m y
speeches great ? Far from it ! But I did m ake sure t hat I learned from every experience and t hat I
som ehow im proved unt il very soon I could ent er a room of any size and be able t o reach people from
virt ually all walks of life.
No m at t er how prepared you are, t here's one t hing t hat I can absolut ely guarant ee: if you're on
t he river of life, it 's likely you're going t o hit a few rocks. That 's not being negat ive; t hat 's being
accurat e. The key is t hat when you do run aground, inst ead of beat ing yourself up for being such a
" failure," rem em ber t hat t h e r e a r e n o fa ilu r e s in life . Th e r e a r e on ly r e su lt s. I f you didn't get t he
result s you want ed, learn from t his experience so t hat you have references about how t o m ake bet t er
decisions in t he fut ure.
" We will eit her find a way, or m ake one."
HANNI BAL
One of t he m ost im port ant decisions you can m ake t o ensure your long- t erm happiness is t o decide t o
u se w h a t e ve r life give s you in t h e m om e n t . The t rut h of t he m at t er is t hat t here's not hing you
can't accom plish if: 1) You clearly decide what it is t hat you're absolut ely com m it t ed t o achieving, 2)
You are willing t o t ake m assive act ion, 3) You not ice what 's working or not , and 4) You cont inue t o
change your approach unt il you achieve what you want , using what ever life gives you along t he way.
Anyone who's succeeded on a large scale has t aken t hese four st eps and followed t he Ult im at e Success
Form ula. One of m y favorit e " Ult im at e Success Stories" is Mr. Soichiro Honda, founder of t he
corporat ion t hat bears his nam e. Like all com panies, no m at t er how large, Honda Corporat ion began
wit h a decision and a passionat e desire t o produce a result .
I n 1938, while he was st ill in school, Mr. Honda t ook everyt hing he owned and invest ed it in a
lit t le workshop where he began t o develop his concept of a pist on ring. He want ed t o sell his work t o
Toyot a Corporat ion, so he labored day and night , up t o his elbows in grease, sleeping in t he m achine
shop, always believing he could produce t he result . He even pawned his wife's j ewelry t o st ay in
business. But when he finally com plet ed t he pist on rings and present ed t hem t o Toyot a, he was t old
t hey didn't m eet Toyot a's st andards. He was sent back t o school for t wo years, where he heard t he
derisive laught er of his inst ruct ors and fellow st udent s as t hey t alked about how absurd his designs
were. But rat her t han focusing on t he pain of t he experience, he decided t o cont inue t o focus on his
goal. Finally, aft er t wo m ore years, Toyot a gave Mr. Honda t he cont ract he'd dream ed of. His passion
and belief paid off because he had known what he want ed, t aken act ion, not iced what was working,
and kept changing his approach unt il he got what he want ed. Then a new problem arose.
The Japanese governm ent was gearing up for war, and t hey refused t o give him t he concret e
t hat was necessary t o build his fact ory. Did he quit t here? No. Did he focus on how unfair t his was? Did
it m ean t o him t hat his dream had died? Absolut ely not . Again, he decided t o ut ilize t he experience,
and developed anot her st r at egy. He and his t eam invent ed a process for creat ing t heir own concret e
and t hen built t heir fact ory. During t he war, it was bom bed t wice, dest roying m aj or port ions of t he
m anufact uring facilit y. Honda's response? He im m ediat ely rallied his t eam , and t hey picked up t he
ext ra gasoline cans t hat t he U.S. fight ers had discarded. He called t hem " gift s from President Trum an"
because t hey provided him wit h t he raw m at erials he needed for his m anufact uring process—m at erials
t hat were unavailable at t he t im e in Japan. Finally, aft er surviving all of t his, an eart hquake leveled his
fact ory. Honda decided t o sell his pist on operat ion t o Toyot a.
Here is a m an who clearly m ade st rong decisions t o succeed. He had a passion for and belief in
what he was doing. He had a great st r at egy. He t ook m assive act ion. He kept changing his approach,
but st ill he'd not produced t he result s t hat he was com m it t ed t o. Yet he decided t o per sev ere.
Aft er t he war, a t rem endous gasoline short age hit Japan, and Mr. Honda couldn't even drive his
car t o get food for his fam ily. Finally, in desperat ion, he at t ached a sm all m ot or t o his bicycle. The next
t hing he knew, his neighbors were asking if he could m ake one of his " m ot orized bikes" for t hem . One
aft er anot her , t hey j um ped on t he bandwagon unt il he ran out of m ot ors. He decided t o build a plant
t hat would m anufact ure m ot ors for his new invent ion, but unfort unat ely he didn't have t he capit al.
As before, he m ade t he decision t o find a way no m at t er what ! His solut ion was t o appeal t o t he
18,000 bicycle shop owner s in Japan by writ ing t hem each a personal let t er. He t old t hem how t hey
could play a role in revit alizing Japan t hrough t he m obilit y t hat his invent ion could provide, and
convinced 5,000 of t hem t o advance t he capit al he needed. St ill, his m ot orbike sold t o only t he m ost
hard- core bicycle fans because it was t oo big and bulky. So he m ade one final adj ust m ent , and creat ed
a m uch light er, scaled- down version of his m ot orbike. He christ ened it " The Super Cub," and it becam e
an " overnight " success, earning him t he Em peror's award. Lat er, he began t o export his m ot orbikes t o
t he baby boom ers of Europe and t he Unit ed St at es, following up in t he sevent ies wit h t he cars t hat
have becom e so popular.
Today, t he Honda Corporat ion em ploys over 100,000 people in bot h t he Unit ed St at es and Japan
and is considered one of t he biggest car- m aking em pires in Japan, out selling all but Toyot a in t he
Unit ed St at es. I t succeeds because one m an underst ood t he power of a t ruly com m it t ed decision t hat
is act ed upon, no m at t er what t he condit ions, on a cont inuous basis.
THE CRYSTAL BALL CRACKED . . .
The followings are act ual rej ect ion not ices received for t hese fam ous—and incredibly successful—
books.
Anim al Farm , by George Orwell
" I t is im possible t o sell anim al st ories in t he U.SA"
The Diary of Anne Frank, by Anne Frank
" The girl doesn't , it seem s t o m e, have a special percept ion or feeling which would lift t hat book above
t he 'curiosit y' level."
Lord of t he Flies, by William Golding
" I t does not seem t o us t hat you have been wholly successful in working out an adm it t edly prom ising
idea."
Lady Chat t erley's Lover, by D.H. Lawrence
" For your own good do not publish t his book."
Lust for Life, by living St one
" A long, dull novel about an art ist ."
Honda cert ainly knew t hat som et im es when you m ake a decision and t ake act ion, in t he short t erm it
m ay look like it 's not working. I n or de r t o su cce e d, you m u st h a ve a lon g- t e r m focu s. Most of t he
challenges t hat we have in our personal lives—like indulging const ant ly in overeat ing, drinking, or
sm oking, t o feeling overwhelm ed and giving up on our dream s—com e from a short - t erm focus.
Success and failure are not overnight experiences. I t 's all t he sm all decisions along t he way t hat cause
people t o fail. I t 's failure t o follow up. I t 's failure t o t ake act ion. I t 's failure t o persist . I t 's failure t o
m anage our m ent al and em ot ional st at es. I t 's failure t o cont rol what we focus on. Conversely, success
is t he result of m aking sm all decisions: deciding t o hold yourself t o a higher st andard, deciding t o
cont ribut e, deciding t o feed your m ind rat her t han allowing t he environm ent t o cont rol you—t hese
sm all decisions creat e t he life experience we call success. No individual or organizat ion t hat has be-
com e successful has done so wit h short - t erm focus.
On a nat ional scale, m ost of t he challenges t hat we'r e current ly experiencing are t he result of
not t hinking of t he pot ent ial consequences of t he decisions we've m ade. Our crises—t he S&L scandal,
t he challenge in our balance of t rade, t he budget deficit , our educat ional m alaise, drug and alcohol
problem s—all are t he result of short - t erm t hinking. This is t he Niagara Syndrom e at it s m ost pot ent .
While you're raging along t he river, focusing on t he next rock you m ight hit , you don't —or can't —see
far enough ahead of you t o avoid t he falls.
As a societ y, we're so focused on inst ant aneous grat ificat ion t hat our short - t er m solut ions oft en
becom e long- t erm problem s. Our kids have t rouble paying at t ent ion in school long enough t o t hink,
m em orize, and learn part ly because t hey've becom e addict ed t o inst ant aneous grat ificat ion from
const ant exposure t o t hings like video gam es, TV com m ercials, and MTV. As a nat ion, we have t he
highest num ber of overweight children in hist ory because of our unrelent ing pursuit of t he quick fix:
fast food, inst ant pudding, and m icrowave brownies.
I n business, t oo, t his kind of short - t erm focus can be deadly. The whole cont roversy surrounding
t he Exxon Valdez disast er could have been avert ed by m aking one sm all decision. Exxon could have
out fit t ed it s t ankers w it h double hulls, a proact ive decision t hat would have prevent ed oil spills in t he
event of collision. But t he oil com pany chose not t o, looking at t he im m ediat e rat her t han long- range
im pact on it s bot t om line. Following t he crash and result ant spill, Exxon is responsible for paying a
whopping $1.1 billion* as som e com pensat ion for t he devast at ing econom ic dam age it has caused, not
t o m ent ion t he im m easurable ecological dest ruct ion t o Alaska and surrounding areas.
Deciding t o com m it yourself t o long- t erm result s, rat her t han short - t erm fixes, is as im port ant
as any decision you'll m ake in your lifet im e. Failing t o do t his can cause not only m assive financial or
societ al pain, but som et im es even t he ult im at e personal pain.
One young m an you m ay have heard of dropped out of high school because he decided he
wasn't going t o wait any longer t o follow his dream of becom ing a fam ous m usician. But t his dream
didn't becom e realit y quickly enough. I n fact , by t he t im e he was t went y- t wo, he feared t hat he had
m ade t he wr ong decision, and t hat no one would ever love his m usic. He'd been playing in piano bars,
and he was flat broke, sleeping in laundrom at s because he no longer had a hom e. The only t hing t hat
had been holding him t oget her was his rom ant ic relat ionship. Then his girlfriend decided t o leave him ,
and when she did, it pushed him over t he edge. He im m ediat ely focused on how he could never again
find anot her wom an as beaut iful as she. What t his m eant t o him was t hat his life was over, so he
decided t o com m it suicide. Fort unat ely, before doing so, he reconsidered his opt ions and decided
inst ead t o check int o a m ent al inst it ut ion. Spending t im e t here gave him som e new references about
what real problem s were. He lat er recalled saying, "Ohh, I 'll never get t hat low again." He now
declares, " I t was one of t he best t hings I ever did because I 've never got t en t o feel sorry for m yself,
no m at t er what 's happened. Any problem since t hen is not hing com pared wit h what I 've seen ot her
people go t hr ough." * By renewing his com m it m ent and following his dream long- t erm , he event ually
had all t hat he want ed. His nam e? Billy Joel.
Can you im agine t hat t his m an, whom m illions of fans love and superm odel Christ ie Brinkley
m arried, was ever worried about t he qualit y of his m usic or finding a wom an as beaut iful as his ex-
girlfriend? The key t o rem em ber is t hat what appear ed t o be im possible in t he short t erm t urned int o a
phenom enal exam ple of success and happiness in t he long t erm . Billy Joel was able t o pull him self out
of his depression by direct ing t he t hree decisions t hat we all cont rol each m om ent of our lives: what t o
focus on, what t hings m ean, and what t o do in spit e of t he challenges t hat m ay appear t o lim it us. He
raised his st andards, back ed t hem up wit h new beliefs, and im plem ent ed t he st rat egies he knew he
m ust .
One belief t hat I 've dev eloped t o carry m e t hrough ext rem ely t ough t im es is sim ply t his: God's
delays are not God's denials. Oft en, what seem s im possible in t he short t erm becom es very possible in
t he long t erm if you persist . I n order t o succeed, we need t o discipline ourselves t o consist ent ly t hink
long t erm . A m et aphor t hat I use t o rem ind m yself of t his is com paring life's ups and downs t o t he
changing of t he seasons. No season last s forever because all of life is a cycle of plant ing, reaping,
rest ing, and renewal. Wint er is not infinit e: even if you're having challenges t oday, you can never give
up on t he com ing of spring. For som e people, wint er m eans hibernat ion; for ot hers, it m eans
bobsledding and downhill skiing! You can always j ust wait out t he season, but why not m ake it int o a
t im e t o rem em ber?
H ARN ESS TH E POW ER OF D ECI SI ON
I n review, let m e give you six quick keys t o help you harness t he power of decision, t he power t hat
shapes your experience of life every m om ent t hat you live it :
1 . Re m e m be r t h e t r u e pow e r of m a k in g de cision s. I t 's a t ool you can use in any m om ent t o
change your ent ire life. The m inut e you m ake a new decision, you set in m ot ion a new cause, effect ,
direct ion, and dest inat ion for your life. You lit erally begin t o change your life t he m om ent you m ake a
new decision. Rem em ber t hat when you st art feeling overwhelm ed, or when you feel like you don't
have a choice, or when t hings are happening " t o" you, you can change it all if you j ust st op and decide
t o do so. Rem em ber, a r eal decision is m easured by t he fact t hat you've t aken new act ion. I f t here's
no act ion, you haven't t ruly decided.
2 . Re a lize t h a t t h e h a r de st st e p in a ch ie vin g a n yt h in g is m a k in g a t r u e com m it m e n t —a t r u e
de cision . Carrying out your com m it m ent is oft en m uch easier t han t he decision it self, so m ake your
decisions int elligent ly, but m ake t hem quickly. Don't labor forever over t he quest ion of how or if you
can do it . St udies have shown t hat t he m ost successful people m ake decisions rapidly because t hey are
clear on t heir values and what t hey really want for t heir lives. The sam e st udies show t hat t hey are
slow t o change t heir decisions, if at all. On t he ot her hand, people who fail usually m ake decisions
slowly and change t heir m inds quickly, always bouncing back and fort h. Just decide! Realize t hat
decision m aking is a kind of act in it self, so a good definit ion for a decision m ight be " inform at ion act ed
upon." You know you've t ruly m ade a decision when act ion flows from it . I t becom es a cause set in
m ot ion. Oft en t he effect of m aking a decision helps creat e t he at t ainm ent of a larger goal. A crit ical
rule I 've m ade for m yself is never t o leave t he scene of a decision wit hout first t aking a specific act ion
t oward it s realizat ion.
3 . M a k e de cision s oft e n . The m ore decisions you m ake, t he bet t er you're going t o becom e at
m aking t hem . Muscles get st ronger wit h use, and so it is wit h your decision- m aking m uscles. Unleash
your power right now by m aking som e decisions you've been put t ing off. You won't believe t he ener gy
and excit em ent it will creat e in your life!
4 . Le a r n fr om you r de cision s. There's no way around it . At t im es, you're going t o screw up, no
m at t er what you do. And when t he inevit able happens, inst ead of beat ing yourself int o t he ground,
learn som et hing. Ask yourself, " What 's good about t his? What can I learn from t his?" This " failure"
m ay be an unbelievable gift in disguise if you use it t o m ake bet t er decisions in t he fut ure. Rat her t han
focus on t he short - t erm set back, choose inst ead t o learn lessons t hat can save you t im e, m oney, or
pain, and t hat will give you t he abilit y t o succeed in t he fut ure.
5 . St a y com m it t e d t o y ou r de cision s, bu t st a y fle x ible in you r a ppr oa ch . Once you've decided
who you want t o be as a person, for exam ple, don't get st uck on t he m eans t o achieving it . I t 's t he
end you're aft er. Too oft en, in deciding what t hey want for t heir lives, people pick t he best way t hey
know at t he t im e—t hey m ake a m ap—but t hen don't st ay open t o alt ernat e rout es. Don't becom e rigid
in your approach. Cult ivat e t he art of flexibilit y.
6 . En j oy m a k in g de cision s. You m ust know t hat in any m om ent a decision you m ake can change t he
course of your life forever: t he very next person you st and behind in line or sit next t o on an airplane,
t he very next phone call you m ake or receive, t he very next m ovie you see or book you read or page
you t urn could be t he one single t hing t hat causes t he floodgat es t o open, and all of t he t hings t hat
you've been wait ing for t o fall int o place.
I f you really want your life t o be passionat e, you need t o live wit h t his at t it ude of expect ancy.
Years ago, I m ade what seem ed like a sm all decision, and it has powerfully shaped m y life. I decided
t o do a sem inar in Denver, Colorado. That decision caused m e t o m eet a lady nam ed Becky. Her last
nam e now is Robbins, and she is definit ely one of t he great est gift s of m y life. On t hat sam e t rip, I
decided t o wr it e m y first book, which is now published in eleven languages around t he world. A few
days lat er, I decided t o conduct a sem inar in Texas, and aft er working for a week t o fill m y own
program , t he prom ot er didn't pay m e for t he event —he skipped t own. The obvious person t o t alk t o
was t he public relat ions agent he had hired, a wom an who had sim ilar woes. That wom an becam e m y
lit erary agent and helped t o get t hat first book published. As a result , I have t he privilege of sharing
t his st ory wit h you t oday.
At one t im e, I also decided t o t ake on a business part ner. Choosing not t o invest igat e his
charact er in advance was a poor decision on m y part. Wit hin a year, he'd m isappropriat ed a quart er of
a m illion dollars and had r un m y corporat ion $758,000 in debt while I spent m y life on t he road doing
m ore t han 200 sem inars. Fort unat ely, t hough, I learned from m y poor decision and m ade a bet t er one.
I n spit e of advice from all t he expert s around m e t hat t he only way I could survive would be t o declare
bankrupt cy, I decided t o find a way t o t urn t hings around, and I creat ed one of t he great er successes
of m y life. I t ook m y com pany t o a whole new level, and what I learned from t hat experience not only
creat ed m y long- t erm business success, but also provided m any of t he dist inct ions for t he NeuroAssociat ive Condit ioning" * and Dest iny Technologies™ t hat you'll be learning in t his book.
" Life is eit her a daring advent ure or not hing."
HELEN KELLER
So what is t he single m ost im port ant dist inct ion t o t ake from t his chapt er?
Kn ow t h a t it 's you r de cision s, a n d n ot you r con dit ion s, t h a t de t e r m in e you r de st in y.
Before we learn t he t echnology for changing how you t hink and how you feel every day of your life, I
want you t o rem em ber t hat , in t he final analysis, everyt hing you've read in t his book is wort hless . . .
every ot her book you've read or t ape you've heard or sem inar you've at t ended is wort hless . . .
u n le ss you de cide t o u se it . Rem em ber t hat a t ruly com m it t ed decision is t he force t hat changes
your life. I t 's a power available t o you in any m om ent if you j ust decide t o use it .
Prove t o yourself t hat you've decided now. Make one or t wo decisions t hat you've been put t ing
off: one easy decision and one t hat 's a bit m ore difficult . Show yourself what you can do. Right now,
st op. Make at least one clear- cut decision t hat you've been put t ing off—t ake t he first act ion t oward
fulfilling it —and st ick t o it ! By doing t his, you'll be building t hat m uscle t hat will give you t he will t o
change your ent ire life.
You and I bot h know t hat t here are going t o be challenges in your fut ure. But as Lech Walesa
and t he people of East ern Europe have learned, if you've decided t o get past t he walls, you can clim b
over t hem , you can break t hrough t hem , you can t unnel under t hem , or you can find a door. No
m at t er how long a wall has st ood, none has t he power t o wit hst and t he cont inued force of hum an
beings who have decided t o persist unt il it has fallen. The hum an spirit t ruly is unconquerable. But t he
will t o win, t he will t o succeed, t o shape one's life, t o t ake cont rol, can only be harnessed w hen you
decide what you want , and believe t hat no challenge, no problem , no obst acle can keep you from it .
When you decide t hat your life will ult im at ely be shaped not by condit ions, but by your decisions, t hen,
in t hat m om ent , your life will change forever, and you will be em powered t o t ake cont rol of...
3
THE FORCE THAT SHAPES YOUR LI FE
" Men live by int ervals of reason under t he sovereignt y of hum or and passion."
SI R THOMAS BROWNE
She had been j ogging for only about half an hour when it happened. Suddenly a dozen young boys
began t o sprint in her direct ion. Before she had t im e t o realize what was happening, t hey pounced
upon her, pulled her int o t he bushes and began t o beat her wit h a lead pipe. One boy cont inually
kicked her in t he face unt il she was bleeding profusely. Then t hey raped and sodom ized her, and left
her for dead.
I 'm sure you've heard about t his t ragic, unt hinkable crim e t hat happened in Cent ral Park several
years ago. I was in New York Cit y t he night it happened. I was appalled not only by t he savagery of
t he at t ack, but even m ore so t o hear who t he at t ackers were. They were children, from t he ages of 14
t o 17 years old. Cont rary t o st ereot ypes, t hey were neit her poor nor did t hey com e from abusive
fam ilies. They were boys from privat e schools. Lit t le League players, kids who t ook t uba lessons. These
boys were not driven crazy by drugs, nor were t hey racially m ot ivat ed. They assault ed and could have
killed t his 28- year- old wom an for one reason and one reason only: fun. They even had a nam e for
what t hey had set out t o do; t hey called it " wilding."
Not m ore t han 250 m iles away in our nat ion's capit al, a j et airliner crashed on t akeoff from
Nat ional Airport during a blinding snowst orm . I t hit t he Pot om ac Bridge at t he height of rush hour. As
t raffic snarled t o a halt , em ergency rescue services were im m ediat ely dispat ched t o t he scene, and t he
bridge becam e a night m are of chaos and panic. Firem en and param edics were overwhelm ed by t he
dest ruct ion, and dove again and again int o t he Pot om ac t o t ry and save crash vict im s. One m an
repeat edly passed t he life preserver t o ot hers. He saved m any lives, but not his own. By t he t im e t he
rescue helicopt er finally got t o him , he had slipped beneat h t he icy surface of t he wat er. This m an gave
his life in order t o save t hose of com plet e st rangers! What drove him t o place such a high value on
ot her people's lives—people he didn't even know—t hat he was w illing t o give his own life in t he process?
What m akes a person wit h a " good background" behave so savagely and wit hout rem orse while
anot her gives his own life t o rescue com plet e st rangers? What creat es a hero, a heel, a crim inal, a
cont ribut or? What det erm ines t he difference in hum an act ions? Throughout m y life, I have
passionat ely sought t he answer t o t hese quest ions. One t hing is clear t o m e: hum an beings are not
random creat ures; everyt hing we do, we do for a reason. We m ay not be aware of t he reason
consciously, but t here is undoubt edly a single driving force behind all hum an behavior. This force
im pact s every facet of our lives, from our relat ionships and finances t o our bodies and brains. What is
t his force t hat is cont rolling you even now and will cont inue t o do so for t he rest of your life? PAI N
a n d PLEASURE! Everyt hing you and I do, we do eit her out of our need t o avoid pain or our desire t o
gain pleasure.
So oft en I hear people t alk about changes t hey want t o m ake in t heir lives. But t hey can't get
t hem selves t o follow t hrough. They feel frust rat ed, overwhelm ed, even angr y wit h t hem selves because
t hey know t hey need t o t ake act ion, but t hey can't get t hem selves t o do it . There is one elem ent ary
reason: t hey keep t rying t o change t heir behavior, which is t he effect , inst ead of dealing wit h t he
cause behind it .
Underst anding and ut ilizing t he forces of pain and pleasure will allow you once and for all t o
creat e t he last ing changes and im provem ent s you desire for yourself and t hose you care about . Failure
t o underst and t his force doom s you t o a fut ure of living in react ion, like an anim al or a m achine.
Perhaps t his sounds like a com plet e oversim plificat ion, but t hink about it . Why don't you do som e of
t he t hings you know you should do?
Aft er all, what is procrast inat ion? I t 's when you know you should do som et hing, but you st ill
don't do it . Why not ? The answer is sim ple: at som e level you believe t hat t aking act ion in t his
m om ent would be m ore painful t han j ust put t ing it off. Yet , have you ever had t he experience of
put t ing som et hing off for so long t hat suddenly you felt pressure t o j ust do it , t o get it done7 What
happened? You changed what you linked pain and pleasure t o. Suddenly, not t aking act ion becam e
m ore painful t han put t ing it off. This is a com m on occurrence t hat m any Am ericans experience around
April 14!
" A m an who suffers before it is necessary, suffers m ore t han is necessary."
SENECA
What keeps you from approaching t hat m an or wom an of your dream s? What keeps you from st art ing
t hat new business you've been planning for years? Why do you keep put t ing off t hat diet ? Why do you
avoid com plet ing your t hesis? Why haven't you t aken cont rol of your financial invest m ent port folio?
What prevent s you from doing what ever it t akes t o m ake your life exact ly as you've im agined it ?
Even t hough you know t hat all t hese act ions would benefit you—t hat t hey could definit ely bring
pleasure t o your life—you fail t o act sim ply because in t hat m om ent you associat e m ore pain t o doing
what 's necessary t han m issing t he opport unit y. Aft er all, what if you approached t hat person, and t hey
rej ect ed you? What if you t ried t o st art t hat new business but failed and lost t he securit y you have in
your present j ob? What if you st art ed a diet and went t hrough t he pain of st arving yourself, only t o
gain t he weight back event ually anyway? What if you m ade an invest m ent and lost your m oney? So
why even t ry?
For m ost people, t he fear of loss is m uch great er t han t he desire for gain. Which would drive you
m ore: keeping som eone fr om st ealing t he $100,000 you've earned over t he last five years, or t he
pot ent ial of earning $100,000 in t he next five? The fact is t hat m ost people would work m uch harder t o
hang on t o what t hey have t han t hey would t o t ake t he risks necessary t o get what t hey really want
from t heir lives.
" The secret of success is learning how t o use pain and pleasure inst ead of having pain and pleasure
use you. I f you do t hat , you're in cont rol of your life. I f you don't , life cont rols you."
ANTHONY ROBBI NS
Oft en an int erest ing quest ion com es up in discussions about t hese t win powers t hat drive us: Why is it
t hat people can experience pain yet fail t o change? They haven't experienced enough pain yet ; t hey
haven't hit what I call e m ot ion a l t h r e sh old. I f you've ever been in a dest ruct ive relat ionship and
finally m ade t he decision t o use your personal power, t ake act ion and change your life, it was probably
because you hit a level of pain you weren't willing t o set t le for anym ore. We've all experienced t hose
t im es in our lives when we've said, " I 've had it —never again—t his m ust change now." This is t he
m agical m om ent when pa in be com e s ou r fr ie n d. I t drives us t o t ake new act ion and produce new
result s. We becom e even m ore powerfully com pelled t o act if, in t hat sam e m om ent , we begin t o
ant icipat e how changing will creat e a great deal of pleasure for our lives as well.
This process is cert ainly not lim it ed t o relat ionships. Maybe you'v e experienced t hreshold wit h
your physical condit ion: you finally got fed up because you couldn't squeeze int o an airline seat , you
couldn't fit int o your clot hes, and walking up a set of st airs winded you. Finally you said, " I 've had it ! "
and m ade a decision. What m ot ivat ed t hat decision? I t was t he desire t o rem ove pain from your life
and est ablish pleasure once again: t he pleasure of pride, t he pleasure of com fort , t he pleasure of selfest eem , t he pleasure of living life t he way you've designed it .
Of course, t here are m any levels of pain and pleasure. For exam ple, feeling a sense of
hum iliat ion is a rat her int ense form of em ot ional pain. Feeling a sense of inconvenience is also pain. So
is boredom . Obviously som e of t hese have less int ensit y, but t hey st ill fact or in t he equat ion of
decision- m aking. Likewise, pleasure weighs int o t his process. Much of our drive in life com es from our
ant icipat ing t hat our act ions will lead t o a m ore com pelling fut ure, t hat t oday's work will be well wort h
t he effort , t hat t he rewards of pleasure are near. Yet t here are m any levels of pleasure as well. For
exam ple, t he pleasure of ecst asy, while m ost would agree is int ense, m ay som et im es be out weighed
by t he pleasure of com - fort . I t all depends on an individual's perspect ive.
For exam ple, let 's say you're on your lunch break, and you're walking past a park where a
Beet hoven sy m phony is playing. Will you st op and list en? I t depends, first of all, on t he m eaning you
associat e t o classical m usic. Som e people would drop anyt hing t o be able t o list en t o t he valiant st rains
of t he Eroica Sym phony; for t hem , Beet hoven equals pure pleasure. For ot hers, however, list ening t o
any kind of classical m usic is about as excit ing as wat ching paint dry. Enduring t he m usic would equal
a m easure of pain, and so t hey hurry past t he park and back t o work. But even som e people who love
classical m usic would not decide t o st op and list en. Maybe t he perceived pain of being lat e for work
out weighs t he pleasure t hey would get from hearing t he fam iliar m elodies. Or m aybe t hey have a
belief t hat st opping and enj oying m usic in t he m iddle of t he aft ernoon is wast eful of precious t im e, and
t he pain of doing som et hing frivolous and inappropriat e is great er t han t he pleasure t he m usic could
bring. Each day our lives are filled wit h t hese kinds of psychic negot iat ions. We are const ant ly weighing
our own proposed act ions and t he im pact t hey will have upon us.
LI FE'S M OST I M PORTAN T LESSON
Donald Trum p and Mot her Teresa ar e driven by t he exact sam e force. I can hear you saying, " Are you
off your rocker. Tony? They couldn't be m ore different! " I t 's absolut ely t rue t hat t heir values lie at
opposit e ends of t he spect rum , but t hey're bot h driven by pain and pleasure. Their lives have been
shaped by what t hey've learned t o get pleasure from , and what t hey've learned will creat e pain. The
m ost im port ant lesson we learn in life is what creat es pain for us and what creat es pleasure. This
lesson is different for each of us and, t herefore, so are our behaviors.
What 's driven Donald Trum p t hroughout his life? He's learned t o achieve pleasure by having t he
largest and m ost expensive yacht s, acquiring t he m ost ext ravagant buildings, m aking t he shrewdest
deals—in short , accum ulat ing t he biggest and best t oys. What did he learn t o link pain t o? I n
int erviews he has revealed t hat his ult im at e pain in life is being second- best at anyt hing—he equat es it
wit h failure. I n fact , his great est drive t o achieve com es from his com pulsion t o avoid t his pain. I t 's a
far m ore powerful m ot ivat or t han his desire t o gain pleasure. Many com pet it ors have t aken great j oy in
t he pain t hat Trum p has experienced fr om t he collapse of m uch of his econom ic em pire. Rat her t han
j udge him —or anyone else, including yourself—it m ight be m ore valuable t o underst and what 's driving
him and t o have som e com passion for his obvious pain.
By cont rast , look at Mot her Teresa. Her e's a wom an who cares so deeply t hat when she sees
ot her people in pain, she also suffers. Seeing t he inj ust ice of t he cast e syst em wounded her. She
discovered t hat when she t ook act ion t o help t hese people, t heir pain disappeared, and so did hers. For
Mot her Teresa, t he ult im at e m eaning of life can be found in one of t he m ost im poverished sect ions of
Calcut t a, t he Cit y of Joy, which is swollen past t he burst ing point wit h m illions of st arving and diseased
refugees. For her, pleasure m ight m ean wading t hrough knee- deep m uck, sewage and filt h in order t o
reach a squalid hut and m inist er t o t he infant s and children wit hin, t heir t iny bodies ravaged by cholera
and dysent er y. She is powerfully driven by t he sensat ion t hat helping ot hers out of t heir m isery helps
alleviat e her own pain, t hat in helping t hem experience life in a bet t er way—giving t hem pleasure—she
will feel pleasure. She learned t hat put t ing yourself on t he line for ot hers is t he highest good; it gives
her a sense t hat her life has t rue m eaning.
While it m ay be a st ret ch for m ost of us t o liken t he sublim e hum ilit y of Mot her Teresa t o t he
m at erialism of Donald Trum p, it 's crit ical t o rem em ber t hat t hese t wo individuals shaped t heir dest inies
based upon what t hey linked pain and pleasure t o. Cert ainly t heir backgrounds and environm ent s
played a role in t heir choices, but ult im at ely t hey m ade conscious decisions about what t o reward or
punish t hem selves for.
W H AT YOU LI N K PAI N TO AN D W H AT YOU LI N K PLEASURE TO SH APES YOUR D ESTI N Y
One decision t hat has m ade a t rem endous difference in t he qualit y of m y life is t hat at an early age I
began t o link incredible pleasure t o learning. I realized t hat discovering ideas and st rat egies t hat could
help m e t o shape hum an behavior and em ot ion could give m e virt ually everyt hing I want ed in m y life.
I t could get m e out of pain and int o pleasure. Lear ning t o unlock t he secret s behind our act ions could
help m e t o becom e m ore healt hy, t o feel bet t er physically, t o connect m ore deeply wit h t he people I
cared about . Learning provided m e wit h som et hing t o give, t he opport unit y t o t ruly cont ribut e
som et hing of value t o all t hose around m e. I t offered m e a sense of j oy and fulfillm ent . At t he sam e
t im e, I discovered an even m ore powerful form of pleasure, and t hat was achieved by sharing what I 'd
learned in a passionat e way. When I began t o see t hat what I could share helps people increase t he
qualit y of t heir lives, I discovered t he ult im at e level of pleasure! And m y life's purpose began t o evolve.
What are som e of t he experiences of pain and pleasure t hat have shaped your life? Whet her you've
linked pain or pleasure t o drugs, for exam ple, cert ainly has affect ed your dest iny. So have t he
em ot ions you've learned t o associat e t o cigaret t es or alcohol, relat ionships, or even t he concept s of
giving or t rust ing.
I f you're a doct or, isn't it t rue t hat t he decision t o pursue a m edical career so m any years ago
was m ot ivat ed by your belief t hat becom ing a physician would m ake you feel good? Every doct or I 've
t alked t o links m assive pleasure t o helping people: st opping pain, healing illness, and saving lives.
Oft en t he pride of being a respect ed m em ber of societ y was an addit ional m ot ivat or. Musicians have
dedicat ed t hem selves t o t heir art because few t hings can give t hem t hat sam e level of pleasure. And
CEOs of t op organizat ions have learned t o link pleasure t o m aking powerful decisions t hat have a huge
pot ent ial t o build som et hing unique and t o cont ribut e t o people's lives in a last ing way.
Think of t he lim it ing pain and pleasure associat ions of John Belushi, Freddie Pr inze, Jim i Hendrix,
Elvis Presley, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison. Their associat ions t o drugs as an escape, a quick fix, or a
way out of pain and int o t em porary pleasure creat ed t heir downfalls. They paid t he ult im at e price for
not direct ing t heir own m inds and em ot ions. Think of t he exam ple t hey set for m illions of fans. I never
did learn t o consum e drugs or alcohol. I s it because I was so brilliant ? No, it 's because I was very
fort unat e. One reason I never drank alcohol is t hat , as a child, t here were a couple of people in m y
fam ily who act ed so obnoxiously when drunk t hat I associat ed ex t rem e pain t o drinking any alcohol.
One especially graphic im age I have is t he m em ory of m y best friend's m om . She was ext rem ely obese,
weighing close t o 300 pounds, and she drank const ant ly. Whenever she did, she want ed t o hug m e
and drool all over m e. To t his day, t he sm ell of alcohol on anyone's br eat h nauseat es m e.
Beer, t hough, was anot her st ory. When I was about eleven or t welve, I didn't consider it an
alcoholic drink. Aft er all, m y dad drank beer, and he didn't get t hat " obnoxious" or disgust ing. I n fact ,
he seem ed t o be a lit t le m ore fun when he'd had a few beers. Plus, I linked pleasure t o drinking
because I want ed t o be j ust like Dad. Would drinking beer r eally m ake m e like Dad? No, but we
frequent ly creat e false associat ions in our nervous syst em s ( neuro- associat ions) as t o what will creat e
pain or pleasure in our lives.
One day I asked m y m om for a " brew." She began arguing t hat it wasn't good for m e. But t rying
t o convince m e when m y m ind was m ade up, when m y observat ions of m y fat her so clearly
cont radict ed her, was not going t o work. We don't believe what we hear; rat her, we are cert ain t hat
our percept ions are accurat e—and I was cert ain t hat day t hat drinking beer was t he next st ep in m y
personal growt h. Finally, m y m om realized I 'd probably j ust go drink som ewhere else if she didn't give
m e an experience I wouldn't forget . At som e level, she m ust have known she had t o change what I
associat ed t o beer. So she said, " Okay, you want t o drink beer and be like Dad? Then you've really got
t o drink beer j ust like your dad." I said, " Well, what does t hat m ean?" She said, " You've got t o drink a
whole six- pack." I said, "No problem ."
She said, " You've got t o dr ink it right here." When I t ook m y first sip, it t ast ed disgust ing,
not hing like what I 'd ant icipat ed. Of course, I wouldn't adm it it at t he t im e because, aft er all, m y pride
was on t he line. So I t ook a few m ore sips. Aft er finishing one beer I said, " Now I 'm really full, Mom ."
She said, " No, here's anot her one," and popped it open. Aft er t he t hird or fourt h can, I st art ed feeling
sick t o m y st om ach. I 'm sure you can guess what happened nex t : I t hrew up all over m yself and t he
kit chen t able. I t was disgust ing, and so was cleaning up t he m ess! I im m ediat ely linked t he sm ell of
beer t o t he vom it and horrible feelings. I no longer had an int ellect ual associat ion t o w hat drinking
beer m eant . I now had an em ot ional associat ion in m y nervous syst em , a gut - level neuro- associat ion—
one t hat would clearly guide m y fut ure decisions. As a result , I 've never had even a sip of beer since!
Can our pain and pleasure linkages produce a processional effect in our lives? You bet . This
negat ive neuro- associat ion for beer affect ed m any of m y decisions in life. I t influenced whom I hung
out wit h at school. I t det erm ined how I learned t o get pleasure. I didn't use alcohol: I used learning; I
used laught er; I used sport s. I also learned t hat it felt incredible t o help ot her people, so I becam e t he
guy in school everybody cam e t o wit h t heir problem s, and solving t heir problem s m ade bot h t hem and
m e feel good. Som e t hings haven't changed t hrough t he years!
I also never used drugs because of a sim ilar experience: when I was in t he t hird or fourt h grade,
t he police depart m ent cam e t o m y school and showed us som e film s about t he consequences of
get t ing involved in t he drug scene. I wat ched as people shot up, passed out , spaced out , and leaped
out of windows. As a young boy, I associat ed drugs t o ugliness and deat h, so I never t ried t hem
m yself. My good fort une was t hat t he police had helped m e form painful neuro- associat ions t o even
t he idea of using drugs. Therefore, I have never ev en considered t he possibilit y.
What can we leam from t his? Sim ply t his: if w e lin k m a ssive pa in t o a n y be h a vior or
e m ot ion a l pa t t e r n , w e w ill a void in du lgin g in it a t a ll cost s. W e ca n u se t h is u n de r st a n din g
t o h a r n e ss t h e for ce of pa in a n d ple a su r e t o ch a n ge vir t u a lly a n yt h in g in ou r live s, from a
pat t ern of pr ocrast inat ing t o drug use. How do we do t his? Let 's say, for exam ple, you want t o keep
your children off drugs. The t im e t o reach t hem is before t hey experim ent and before som eone else
t eaches t hem t he false associat ion t hat drugs equal pleasure.
My wife, Becky, and I decided t hat t he m ost powerful way t o m ake sure our kids would never
use drugs was t o cause t hem t o link m assive pain t o drugs. We knew t hat unless we t aught t hem what
drugs were r eally about , som eone else m ight convince t hem t hat drugs were a useful way of escaping
pain.
To accom plish t his t ask, I called upon an old friend. Capt ain John Rondon of t he Salvat ion Arm y.
For years, I 've support ed John in t he Sout h Bronx and Brooklyn in helping st reet people m ake changes
in t heir lives by raising t heir st andards, changing t heir lim it ing beliefs, and developing life skills. Becky
and I are ver y proud of t he people who've used what we've t aught t o get off t he st reet s and increase
t he qualit y of t heir lives. I 've always used m y visit s t here as a way of giving som et hing back and as a
rem inder of how fort unat e I am . I t k eeps m e feeling appreciat ive of t he life I have t he privilege t o lead.
I t also gives m e perspect ive and keeps m y life balanced.
I explained m y goals t o Capt ain John, and he arranged t o t ake m y children on a t our t hey would
never forget , one t hat would give t hem a clear experience of what drugs do t o t he hum an spirit . I t
began wit h a first hand visit t o a rat - infest ed, rot t ing t enem ent building. The m inut e we walked in, m y
children were assault ed by t he st ench of urine- soaked floors, t he sight of addict s shoot ing up heedless
of who was wat ching, child prost it ut es solicit ing passers- by, and t he sound of neglect ed, crying
children. Ment al, em ot ional, and physical devast at ion is what m y kids learned t o link t o drugs. That
was four- and- a- half years ago. While t hey have all been exposed t o drugs m any t im es since, t hey
have never t ouched t hem . These powerful neuro- associat ions have significant ly shaped t heir dest inies.
" I f you are dist ressed by anyt hing ext ernal, t he pain is not due t o t he t hing it self but t o your own
est im at e of it ; and t his you have t he power t o revoke at any m om ent ."
MARCUS AURELI US
We are t he only beings on t he planet who lead such rich int ernal lives t hat it 's not t he event s t hat
m at t er m ost t o us, but rat her, it 's how we int erpret t hose event s t hat will det erm ine how we t hink
about ourselves and how we will act in t he fut ure. One of t he t hings t hat m akes us so special is our
m arvelous abilit y t o adapt , t o t ransform , t o m anipulat e obj ect s or ideas t o produce som et hing m ore
pleasing or useful. And forem ost am ong our adapt ive t alent s is t he abilit y t o t ake t he raw experience
of our lives, relat e it t o ot her experiences, and creat e from it a kaleidoscopic t apest ry of m eaning
t hat 's different from everyone else's in t he world. Only hum an beings can, for exam ple, change t heir
associat ions so t hat physical pain will result in pleasure, or vice- versa.
Rem em ber a hunger st riker confined t o j ail. Fast ing for a cause, he survives t hirt y days wit hout
food. The physical pain he experiences is considerable, but it 's offset by t he pleasure and validat ion of
drawing t he world's at t ent ion t o his cause. On a m ore personal, everyday level, individuals who follow
int ense physical regim ens in order t o sculpt t heir bodies have learned t o link t rem endous feelings of
pleasure t o t he " pain" of physical exert ion. They have convert ed t he discom fort of discipline int o t he
sat isfact ion of personal growt h. This is why t heir behavior is consist ent , as are t heir result s!
Through t he power of our wills, t hen, we can weigh som et hing like t he physical pain of
st arvat ion against t he psychic pain of surrendering our ideals. We can creat e higher m eaning; we can
st ep out of t he " Skinnerian box" 9 * and t ake cont rol. Bu t if w e fa il t o dir e ct ou r ow n a ssocia t ion s
t o pa in a n d ple a su r e , w e 'r e livin g n o be t t e r t h a n a n im a ls or m a ch in e s, cont inually react ing t o
our environm ent , allowing what ever com es up next t o det erm ine t he direct ion and qualit y of our lives.
We'r e back in t he box. I t 's as if we are a public com put er, wit h easy access for lot s of am at eur
program m er s!
Our behavior, bot h conscious and unconscious, has been rigged by pain and pleasure from so
m any sources: childhood peers, m om s and dads, t eachers, coaches, m ovie and t elevision heroes, and
t he list goes on. You m ay or m ay not know precisely when program m ing and condit ioning occurred. I t
9
B.F. Sk inner, a fam ous behavioral science pioneer, is also infam ous for t he cr ib- size box in which he confined his
daught er for t he first elev en m ont hs of her life. He did t his in t he nam e of convenience and science, fueling his
t heor ies about st im ulus- response behav iors.
m ight have been som et hing som eone said, an incident at school, an award- winning sport s event , an
em barrassing m om ent , st raight A's on your report card—or m aybe failing grades. All of t hese
cont ribut ed t o who you are t oday. I ca n n ot e m ph a size st r on gly e n ou gh t h a t w h a t you lin k pa in
a n d ple a su r e t o w ill sh a pe you r de st in y.
As you review your own life, can you recall experiences t hat form ed your neuro- associat ions and
t hus set in m ot ion t he chain of causes and effect s t hat brought you t o where you are t oday? What
m eaning do you at t ach t o t hings? I f you're single, do you look upon m arriage wist fully as a j oyous
advent ure wit h your life's m at e, or do you dread it as a heavy ball and chain? As you sit down t o
dinner t onight , do you consum e food m at t er- of- fact ly as an opport unit y t o refuel your body, or do you
devour it as your sole source of pleasure?
" Men, as well as wom en, are m uch oft ener led by t heir heart s t han by t heir underst andings."
—LORD CHESTERFI ELD
Though we'd like t o deny it , t he fact rem ains t hat what drives our behavior is inst inct ive react ion t o
pain and pleasure, not int ellect ual calculat ion. I nt ellect ually, we m ay believe t hat eat ing chocolat e is
bad for us, but we'll st ill reach for it . Why? Because we're not driven so m uch by what we int ellect ually
know, but rat her by what we've learned t o link pain and pleasure t o in our nervous syst em s. I t 's our
neuro- associat ions— t he associat ions we've est ablished in our nervous syst em s—t hat det erm ine what
we'll do. Alt hough we'd like t o believe it 's our int ellect t hat really drives us, in m ost cases our
em ot ions—t he sensat ions t hat we link t o our t hought s—are what t ruly drive us.
Many t im es we t ry t o override t he syst em . For a while we st ick t o a diet ; we've finally pushed
ourselves over t he edge because we have so m uch pain. W e w ill h a ve solve d t h e pr oble m for t h e
m om e n t —bu t if w e h a ve n 't e lim in a t e d t h e ca u se of t h e pr oble m , it w ill r e su r fa ce . Ult im at ely,
in order for a change t o last , we m ust link pain t o our old behavior and pleasure t o our new behavior,
and condit ion it unt il it 's consist ent . Rem em ber, we will all do m ore t o avoid pain t han we will t o gain
pleasure. Going on a diet and overriding our pain in t he short t er m by pure willpower never last s
sim ply because we st ill link pain t o giving up fat t ening foods. For t his change t o be long- t erm , we've
got t o link pain t o eat ing t hose foods so t hat we no longer even desire t hem , and pleasure t o eat m ore
of t he foods t hat nourish us. People who are fit and healt hy believe t hat not hing t ast es as good as t hin
feels! And t hey love foods t hat nourish t hem . I n fa ct , t h e y oft e n lin k ple a su r e t o pu sh in g t h e
pla t e a w a y w it h food st ill on it . I t sym boliz e s t o t h e m t h a t t h e y'r e in con t r ol of t h e ir live s.
Th e t r u t h is t h a t w e ca n le a r n t o con dit ion ou r m in ds, bodie s, a n d e m ot ion s t o lin k pa in
or ple a su r e t o w h a t e ve r w e ch oose . By ch a n gin g w h a t w e lin k pa in a n d ple a su r e t o, w e w ill
in st a n t ly ch a n ge ou r be h a vior s. Wit h sm oking, for exam ple, all you m ust do is link enough pain t o
sm oking and enough pleasure t o quit t ing. You have t he abilit y t o do t his right now, but you m ight not
exercise t his capabilit y because you've t rained your body t o link pleasure t o sm oking, or you fear t hat
st opping would be t oo painful. Yet , if you m eet anyone who has st opped, you will find t hat t his
behavior changed in one day: t he day t hey t ruly changed what sm oking m eant t o t hem .
I F YOU D ON 'T H AVE A PLAN FOR YOUR LI FE,
SOM EON E ELSE D OES
The m ission of Madison Avenue is t o influence what we link pain and pleasure t o. Advert isers clearly
underst and t hat what drives us is not so m uch our int ellect as t he sensat ions t hat we link t o t heir
product s. As a result , t hey've becom e expert s in learning how t o use excit ing or soot hing m usic, rapid
or elegant im agery, bright or subdued color, and a variet y of ot her elem ent s t o put us in cert ain
em ot ional st at es; t hen, when our em ot ions are at t heir peak, when t he sensat ions are t heir m ost
int ense, t hey flash an im age of t heir product cont inuously unt il we link it t o t hese desired feelings.
Pepsi em ployed t his st rat egy brilliant ly in carving out a bigger share of t he lucrat ive soft - drink
m arket from t heir m aj or com pet it or, Coca- Cola. Pepsi observed t he phenom enal success of Michael
Jackson, a young m an who had spent his ent ire life learning how t o height en people's em ot ions by t he
way he used his voice, his body, his face, and his gest ures. Michael sang and danced in a way t hat
st im ulat ed huge num bers of people t o feel incredibly good—so m uch so t hat t hey'd oft en purchase one
of his album s t o re- creat e t he feelings. Pepsi asked. How can we t ransfer t hose sensat ions t o our
product ? Their reasoning was t hat if people associat ed t he sam e pleasurable feelings t o Pepsi as t hey
did t o Michael Jackson, t hey'd buy Pepsi j ust as t hey bought his album s. The process of anchoring new
feelings t o a product or idea is t he int egral t ransference necessary t o basic condit ioning, som et hing
you'll learn m ore about in Chapt er 6 as we st udy t he science of Neuro- Associat ive Condit ioning. But for
now, consider t his: a n y t im e w e 'r e in a n in t e n se e m ot ion a l st a t e , w h e n w e 'r e fe e lin g st r on g
se n sa t ion s of pa in or ple a su r e , a n yt h in g u n iqu e t h a t occu r s con sist e n t ly w ill be com e
n e u r ologica lly lin k e d. Therefore, in t he fut ure, whenever t hat unique t hing happens again, t he
em ot ional st at e w ill ret urn.
You've probably heard of I van Pavlov, a Russian scient ist who, in t he lat e ninet eent h cent ur y,
conduct ed condit ioned- response experim ent s. His m ost fam ous experim ent was one in which he rang a
bell as he offered food t o a dog, t hereby st im ulat ing t he dog t o salivat e and pairing t he dog's
sensat ions wit h t he sound of t he bell. Aft er repeat ing t he condit ioning enough t im es, Pavlov found t hat
m erely ringing t he bell would cause t he dog t o salivat e—even when food was no longer being given.
What does Pavlov have t o do wit h Pepsi? First , Pepsi used Michael Jackson t o get us in a peak
em ot ional st at e. Then, at t hat precise m om ent , t hey flashed t he product . Cont inuous repet it ions of
t his creat ed an em ot ional linkage for m illions of Jackson's fans. The t rut h is t hat Michael Jackson
doesn't even drink Pepsi! And he wouldn't even hold an em pt y Pepsi can in his hand on cam era! You
m ight wonder, " I sn't t his com pany crazy? They hired a guy for $15 m illion t o represent t hem who
doesn't even hold t heir product , and t ells everybody t hat he won't ! What kind of spokesper son is t his?
What a crazy idea! " Act ually, it was a brilliant idea. Sales went t hrough t he roof—so high t hat LA. Gear
t hen hired Michael for $20 m illion t o represent t heir product . And t oday, because he's able t o change
t he way people feel ( he's what I call a " st at e inducer" ) he and Sony/ CBS j ust signed a 10- year
recording cont ract t hat 's reput ed t o be wort h m ore t han $1 billion. His abilit y t o change people's
em ot ional st at es m akes him invaluable.
What we've got t o realize is t hat t his is all based on linking pleasurable sensat ions t o specific
behaviors. I t 's t he idea t hat if we use t he product , we'll live our fant asies. Advert isers have t aught all
of us t hat if you drive a BMW, t hen you're an ext raordinary person wit h except ional t ast e. I f you drive
a Hyundai, you're int elligent and frugal. I f you drive a Pont iac, you'll have excit em ent . I f you drive a
Toyot a, what a feeling you'll get ! You'r e t aught t hat if you wear Obsession cologne, you'll soon be
ent wined in t he t hroes of an androgynous orgy. I f you drink Pepsi, you'll be able t o j am wit h M.C.
Ham m er as t he epit om e of hip. I f you want t o be a " good" m om , t hen you feed your children Host ess
fruit pies, cupcakes and Twinkles.
Advert isers have not ed t hat if enough pleasure can be generat ed, consum ers are oft en willing t o
overlook t he fear of pain. I t is an advert ising adage t hat " sex sells," and t here's no quest ion t hat t he
pleasurable associat ions creat ed in print and on TV by using sex do t he j ob. Take a look at t he t rend in
selling blue j eans. What are blue j eans, anyway? They used t o be work pant s: funct ional, ugly. How
are t hey sold t oday? They've becom e an int ernat ional icon of everyt hing t hat 's sexy, fashionable, and
yout hful. Have you ever wat ched a Levi's 501 j eans com m ercial? Can you explain one t o m e? They
m ake no sense, do t hey? They're t ot ally confusing. But at t he end, you have t he dist inct im pression
t hat sex t ook place nearby . Does t his t ype of st rat egy really sell blue j eans? You bet ! Levi is t he
num ber- one blue- j eans m anufact urer in Am erica t oday.
I s t he power of condit ioning t o shape our associat ions lim it ed t o product s like soft drinks,
aut om obiles and blue j eans? Of course not . Take t he lowly lit t le raisin, for exam ple. Do you know t hat
in 1986, t he California Raisin Advisory Board was expect ing a huge harvest , yet t hey were beginning t o
panic? Year by year, t hey'd seen t heir sales dropping by 1 percent annually. I n desperat ion t hey
t urned t o t heir advert ising agency and asked what t hey could do. The solut ion was sim ple: t hey
needed t o change people's feelings about raisins. For m ost people, raisins were considered wim py,
lonely, and dull, according t o Robert Phinney, t he form er direct or of t he raisin board.* The t ask was
clear: pum p a healt hy dose of em ot ional appeal int o t he shriveled- up fruit . Link up sensat ions t hat
people want ed. " Shriveled" and " dried" are not t he sensat ions t hat m ost people associat e wit h feeling
good about t heir lives. The raisin growers kept t hinking. What can we associat e t o raisins t hat would
m ake people really want t o buy t hem ?
At t he t im e, an old Mot own hit was enj oying a nat ional resurgence: " I Heard I t Through t he
Grapevine." Raisin growers t hought . What if we can t ake t hese sensat ions t hat m ake so m any people
feel good, and link t hem t o raisins t o m ake t hem seem hip? They hired an innovat ive anim at or nam ed
Will Vint on who t hen creat ed about t hirt y clay raisin figurines, each wit h a dist inct personalit y, t o
boogie t o t he Mot own t une. I n t hose m om ent s, t he California Raisins were born. Their first ad
cam paign creat ed an inst ant sensat ion and successfully linked t he sensat ions t hat t he raisin growers
hoped for. As people wat ched t he hip lit t le raisins dance, t hey linked st rong feelings of fun, hum or, and
pleasure t o t he once boring fruit . The raisin had been reinvent ed as t he essence of California cool, and
t he unspoken m essage of each of t hese ads was t hat if you at e t hem you'd be hip, t oo. The upshot ?
The raisin indust ry was rescued from it s devast at ing slum p in sales t o a 20 per cent growt h fact or
annually. The raisin growers had succeeded in changing people's associat ions: inst ead of linking
boredom t o t he fruit , consum ers had learned t o link sensat ions of excit em ent and fun!
Of course, t he use of advert ising as a form of condit ioning is not lim it ed t o physical product s.
Fort unat ely or unfort unat ely, we consist ent ly see t elevision and radio used as t ools for changing what
we associat e t o candidat es in t he polit ical process. No one knows t his bet t er t han t he m ast er polit ical
analyst and opinion- shaper Roger Ailes, who was responsible for key elem ent s of Ronald Reagan's
successful 1984 cam paign against Walt er Mondale, and who in 1988 m ast erm inded George Bush's
successful cam paign against Michael Dukakis. Ailes designed a st r at egy t o convey t hree specifically
negat ive m essages about Dukakis—t hat he was soft on defense, t he environm ent , and crim e—and
cause people t o link painful sensat ions t o him . One ad port rayed Dukakis as a " kid playing war" in a
t ank; anot her seem ed t o blam e him for pollut ion in t he Bost on Harbor. The m ost not orious one showed
crim inals being released from Massachuset t s j ails t hrough a revolving door, and played on t he
widespread negat ive publicit y generat ed around t he count ry by t he " Willie Hort on incident ." Convict ed
m urderer Willie Hort on, released from j ail as part of a cont roversial furlough program in Dukakis's
hom e st at e, failed t o ret urn and t en m ont hs lat er was arrest ed for t errorizing a young couple, raping
t he wom an and assault ing t he m an.
Many people t ook issue wit h t he negat ive focus of t hese ads. Per sonally, I found t hem highly
m anipulat ive. But it 's hard t o argue wit h t heir level of success, based on t he fact t hat people do m ore
t o avoid pain t han t o gain pleasure. Many people didn't like t he way t he cam paign was fought —and
George Bush was one of t hose people—but it was hard t o argue w it h t he realit y t hat pain was a very
powerful m ot ivat or in shaping people's behavior. As Ailes says, " The negat ive ads cut t hrough quicker.
People t end t o pay m ore at t ent ion t o [ t hese t ypes of ads] . People m ay or m ay not slow down t o look at
a beaut iful past oral scene along t he highway. But everyone looks at an aut o accident ." * There is no
quest ioning t he effect iveness of Ailes's st rat egy. Bush won a clear m aj orit y of t he popular vot e and
soundly t rounced Dukakis in one of t he biggest landslides in elect oral college hist ory.
The force shaping world opinion and consum er's buy ing habit s is also t he sam e force t hat shapes
all of our act ions. I t 's up t o you and m e t o t ake cont rol of t his force and decide on our own act ions
consciously, because if we don't direct our own t hought s, we'll fall under t he influence of t hose who
would condit ion us t o behave in t he way t hey desire. Som et im es t hose act ions are what we would
have select ed anyway; som et im es not . Advert isers underst and how t o change what we link pain and
pleasure t o by changing t he sensat ions we associat e t o t heir product s. I f we want t o t ake cont rol of
our lives, we m ust learn t o " advert ise" in our own m inds—and we can do t his in a m om ent . How?
Sim ply by linking pain t o t he behaviors we want t o st op at such a high level of em ot ional int ensit y t hat
we won't even consider t hose behaviors any longer. Aren't t here t hings you would never, ever do?
Think of t he sensat ions you link t o t hose. I f you link t hose sam e feelings and sensat ions t o t he
behaviors you want t o avoid, you'll never do t hem again, eit her. Then, sim ply link pleasure t o t he new
behavior you desire for yourself. Through repet it ion and em ot ional int ensit y, you can condit ion t hese
behaviors wit hin yourself unt il t hey are aut om at ic.
So what 's t he first st ep in creat ing a change? The first st ep is sim ply becom ing aware of t he
power t hat pain and pleasure exert over every decision, and t herefore every act ion, t hat we t ake. The
art of being aware is underst anding t hat t hese linkages—bet ween ideas, words, im ages, sounds, and
sensat ions of pain and pleasure— are happening const ant ly.
" I conceive t hat pleasures are t o be av oided if great er pains be t he consequence, and pains t o be
covet ed t hat will t erm inat e in great er pleasures."
—MI CHEL DE MONTAI GNE
The problem is t hat m ost of us base our decisions about what t o do on what 's going t o creat e pain or
pleasure in t he short t er m inst ead of t he long t erm . Yet , in order t o succeed, m ost of t he t hings t hat
we value require us t o be able t o break t hrough t he wall of short - t erm pain in order t o have long- t erm
pleasure. You m ust put aside t he passing m om ent s of t error and t em pt at ion, and focus on what 's m ost
im port ant in t he long t erm : your values and personal st andards. Rem em ber, t oo, t hat it 's not act ual
pain t hat drives us, but our fear t hat som et hing will lead t o pain. And it 's not act ual pleasure t hat
drives us, but our belief—our sense of cert aint y—t hat som ehow t aking a cert ain act ion will lead t o
pleasure. We're not driven by t he realit y, but by our percept ion of realit y.
Most people focus on how t o avoid pain and gain pleasure in t he short t erm , and t hereby cr eat e
long t erm pain for t hem selves. Let 's consider an exam ple. Say som eone want s t o lose a few ext ra
pounds. ( I know t his has never happened t o you, but let 's j ust pret end anyway! ) On t he one hand,
t his person m arshals a host of excellent reasons for losing weight : t hey would feel healt hier and m ore
energized; t hey would fit int o t heir clot hes bet t er; t hey would feel m ore confident around m em bers of
t he opposit e sex. On t he ot her hand, t hough, t here are j ust as m any reasons t o avoid losing weight :
t hey'd have t o go on a diet ; t hey'd cont inually feel hungry; t hey'd have t o deny t heir urge t o eat
fat t ening foods; and besides, why not wait unt il aft er t he holidays?
Wit h t he reasons balanced in t his way, m any people would t ip t he scales in favor of t he pat t ern
of put t ing t hings off—t he pot ent ial pleasure of a slim m er figure far out weighed by t he short - t erm pain
of diet ary deprivat ion. Short t erm , we avoid t he pain of feeling a t winge of hunger, and inst ead we
give ourselves t hat im m ediat e m orsel of pleasure by indulging in a few pot at o chips, but it doesn't last .
I n t he long t erm , we feel worse and worse about ourselves, not t o m ent ion t he fact t hat it causes our
healt h t o det eriorat e.
Rem em ber, anyt hing you want t hat 's valuable requires t hat you break t hrough som e short - t erm
pain in order t o gain long- t erm pleasure. I f you want a great body, you've got t o sculpt t hat body,
which requires breaking t hrough short - t erm pain. Once you've done it enough t im es, working out
becom es pleasurable. Diet ing works t he sam e way. Any t ype of discipline requires breaking t hrough
pain: discipline in business, relat ionships, personal confidence, fit ness, and finances. How do you break
t hrough t he discom fort and creat e t he m om ent um t o really accom plish your aim s? St art by m aking t he
decision t o overcom e it . We can always decide t o override t he pain in t he m om ent , and bet t er yet is t o
follow up by condit ioning ourselves, which is som et hing we'll cover in det ail in Chapt er 6.
A prim e exam ple of how t his short - t erm focus can cause us all t o t ake a fall ( as in Niagara) is
reflect ed by t he current savings- and- loan crisis—probably t he single biggest financial m ist ake ever
m ade in t he hist ory of our governm ent . Est im at es show it could cost t axpayers m ore t han $500 billion,
yet m ost Am ericans have no idea what caused it . * This problem will m ost cert ainly be one t hat is t he
source of pain—at least econom ic pain—for every m an, wom an and child in t his count ry, probably for
generat ions t o com e. I n a conversat ion I had wit h L William Seidm an, chairm an of t he Resolut ion Trust
Corporat ion and t he Federal Deposit I nsurance Corporat ion, he t old m e, " We are t he only nat ion rich
enough t o survive such a big m ist ake." What did creat e t his financial m ess? I t 's a classic exam ple of
t rying t o elim inat e pain by solving a problem while nurt uring t he cause.
I t all began wit h savings and loan challenges t hat cam e up in t he lat e sevent ies and early
eight ies. Banking and S&L inst it ut ions had built t heir business prim arily on t he corporat e and consum er
m arket . For a bank t o profit , it has t o m ake loans, and t hose loans have t o be at an int erest rat e t hat 's
above what it pays out t o deposit ors. I n t he first stages of t he pr oblem , t he banks faced difficult ies on
several front s. First , t hey were hit hard when corporat ions ent ered what had previously been t he sole
dom ain of banks: lending. Large com panies found t hat by lending t o one anot her, t hey saved
significant ly on int erest , developing what 's now known as t he " com m ercial paper m arket ." This was so
successful t hat it virt ually dest royed t he profit cent ers of m any banks.
Meanwhile, t here were new developm ent s on t he Am erican consum er front as well. Tradit ionally,
consum ers did not look forward t o m eet ing wit h a loan officer at a bank, m eekly asking for loans t o
purchase a car or large appliance. I t hink we can fairly say t hat t his was a painful experience for m ost
as t hey subj ect ed t hem selves t o financial scrut iny. They didn't usually feel like a " valued cust om er" at
m any banks. Car com panies were sm ar t enough t o recognize t his and began offering loans t o t heir
cust om ers, creat ing a new source of profit for t hem selves. They saw t hat t hey could m ake as m uch
m oney on t he financing as t hey did on t he car t hey sold, and t hey could give t he cust om er a great deal
of convenience and lower int erest rat es. Their at t it ude was, of course, quit e different from t he
bankers'—t hey had a vest ed int erest in seeing t he cust om er get his loan. Soon, t he cust om ers cam e t o
prefer t he in- house financing over t he t radit ional m et hod, appreciat ing t he convenience, flexibilit y, and
low financing fees. Everyt hing was handled in one place by a cour t eous person who want ed t heir
business. Consequent ly, General Mot ors Accept ance Corporat ion ( GMAC) quickly becam e one of t he
largest car- financing com panies in t he count ry.
One of t he last bast ions for bank loans was t he real est at e m arket , but int erest rat es and
inflat ion had soared in one year as high as 18 per cent . As a result , no one could afford t he m ont hly
paym ent s t hat servicing loans at t his int erest rat e required. As you can im agine, real est at e loans
dropped off t he m ap.
By t his t im e, t he banks had lost t heir corporat e cust om ers en m asse, t hey had lost t he m arket
for a great deal of t heir car loans, and t hey had begun t o lose t he hom e loans as well. The final slap t o
t he banks was t hat t he deposit ors, in response t o inflat ion, needed a higher rat e of ret urn while t he
banks were st ill carrying loans t hat would yield significant ly lower int erest rat es. Every day, t he banks
were losing m oney; t hey saw t heir survival at st ake and decided t o do t wo t hings. First , t hey lowered
t heir st andards for qualifying cust om ers for loans. Why? Because t hey believed t hat if t hey didn't lower
t heir st andards, t here would be no one t o loan m oney t o. And if t hey didn't loan m oney, t hey couldn't
profit , and t hey'd clearly have pain. I f, however, t hey were able t o loan m oney t o som eone who paid
t hem back, t hey'd have pleasure. Plus, t here was very lit t le risk. I f t hey loaned m oney and t he lendee
didn't m eet t he obligat ion, t hen t he t axpayers, nam ely you and I , would bail t hem out anyway. So in
t he final analysis, t here was very lit t le fear of pain and t rem endous incent ive t o " risk" t heir ( our?)
capit al.
These banks and S&Ls also pressured Congress t o help keep t hem from going under, and a
series of changes occurred. Large banks realized t hat t hey could loan m oney t o foreign nat ions t hat
were desperat ely hungry for capit al. The lenders realized t hat over breakfast t hey could com m it m ore
t han $50 m illion t o a count ry. They didn't have t o work wit h m illions of consum ers t o lend t he sam e
am ount , and t he profit s on t hese larger loans were sizable. The bank m anagers and loan officers were
also oft en given bonuses in relat ion t o t he size and num ber of loans t hey could produce. The banks
were no longer focusing on t he qualit y of a loan. Their focus was not on whet her a count ry like Brazil
could pay t he loan back or not , and frankly, m any weren't t erribly concerned. Why? They did exact ly
what we t aught t hem : we encouraged t hem t o be gam blers wit h t he Federal Deposit I nsurance,
prom ising t hat if t hey won, t hey won big, and if t hey failed, we would pick up t he t ab. There was
sim ply t oo lit t le pain in t his scenario for t he banker.
Sm aller banks, who didn't have t he resources t o loan t o foreign count ries, found t hat t he next
best t hing was t o loan t o com m ercial developers here in t he Unit ed St at es. They, t oo, lowered t heir
st andards so t hat developers could borrow wit h no m oney down inst ead of t he t radit ional 20 per cent .
What was t he developers' response? Well, t hey had not hing on t he line, t hey were using only ot her
people's m oney, and at t he sam e t im e Congress had built such high t ax incent ives int o com m ercial
building t hat t he builders had absolut ely not hing t o lose. They no longer had t o analyze whet her t he
m arket was right , or whet her t he building was properly locat ed or sized. The developers' only
" downside" was t hat t hey would have t he m ost incredible t ax writ e- off of t heir lives.
As a result , builders built like crazy, causing a glut on t he m arket . When t he supply was so m uch
great er t han t he dem and, t he m arket collapsed. Developers went back t o t he banks and said, " We
can't pay," and t he banks t urned t o t he t axpayers and said, " We can't pay." Unfort unat ely, t here's
nobody we can t urn t o. What 's worse, people have seen t he abuse in t his count ry, and t he assum pt ion
now is t hat anyone who is wealt hy m ust have t aken advant age of som ebody. This is creat ing negat ive
at t it udes t oward m any in business who are oft en t he very people providing j obs t hat allow Am ericans'
dream s t o flourish. This whole m ess illust rat es our lack of underst anding of t he pain- pleasure dynam ic
and t he inadvisabilit y of t rying t o conquer long- t erm problem s wit h short - t erm solut ions.
Pain and pleasure are also t he backst age direct ors of global dram a. For years we lived t hrough
an escalat ing arm s race wit h t he USSR. The t wo nat ions were const ant ly building m ore weapons as t he
ult im at e t hreat : " I f you t ry t o hurt us, we'll ret aliat e and hurt you even worse." And t he st andoff
cont inued t o build t o t he point at which we were spending $15,000 a second on arm s. What caused
Gorbachev t o suddenly decide t o renegot iat e arm s reduct ion? The answer is pain. He began t o
associat e m assive pain t o t he idea of t rying t o com pet e wit h our m ilit ary arm s buildup. Financially it
j ust wasn't feasible; he couldn't even feed his people! When people can't eat , t hey're m ore concerned
about t heir st om achs t han about guns. They're m or e int erest ed in filling t heir larders t han t he
count ry's arm am ent . They begin t o believe t hat m oney is being spent frivolously, and t hey insist on a
change. Did Gorbachev change his posit ion because he's a gr eat guy? Maybe. But one t hing is cert ain:
he didn't have a choice.
" Nat ure has placed m ankind under t he governm ent of t wo sovereign m ast ers, pain and pleasure . ..
t hey govern us in all we do, in all we say, in all we t hink: every effort we can m ake t o t hrow off our
subj ect ion, will serve but t o dem onst rat e and confirm it ."
JEREMY BENTHAM
Why do people persist in an unsat isfying relat ionship, unwilling eit her t o work t oward solut ions or end
it and m ove on? I t 's because t hey know changing will lead t o t he unknown, and m ost people believe
t hat t he unknown will be m uch m ore painful t han what t hey're already experiencing. I t 's like t he old
proverbs say: " Bet t er t he devil you know t han t he devil you don't know," " A bird in t he hand is wort h
t wo in t he bush." These core beliefs keep us from t aking t he act ions t hat could change our lives.
I f we want t o have art int im at e relat ionship, t hen we have t o overcom e our fears of rej ect ion
and vulnerabilit y. I f we're planning t o go int o business, we m ust be willing t o overcom e our fear of
losing securit y t o m ake t hat happen. I n fact , m ost of t he t hings t hat are valuable in our lives require
us t o go against t he basic condit ioning of our nervous syst em s. We m ust m anage our fears by
overriding t his precondit ioned set of responses and, in m any cases, we m ust t ransform t hat fear int o
power. Many t im es, t he fear t hat we are allowing t o cont rol us never becom es realit y anyway. I t 's
possible for people t o link pain, for exam ple, t o flying in an airplane, while t here's no logical reason for
t he phobia. They're responding t o a painful experience in t heir past or even an im agined fut ure. They
m ay have read in t he papers about airplane accident s, and now t hey avoid get t ing on planes: t hey're
allowing t hat fear t o cont rol t hem . We m ust m ake sure t hat we live our lives in t he present and
respond t o t hings t hat are real, not t o our fears of what once was or what m ight som eday be. The key
t hing t o rem em ber is t hat we don't m ove away from real pain; we m ove away from what we believe
will lead t o pain.
LET'S M AKE SOM E CH AN GES RI GH T N OW
First , writ e down four act ions t hat you need t o t ake t hat you've been put t ing off. Maybe you need t o
lose som e weight . Maybe you need t o st op sm oking. Maybe you need t o com m unicat e wit h som eone
you've had a falling out wit h, or reconnect wit h som eone who's im port ant t o you.
Second, under each of t hese act ions, writ e down t he answer t o t he following quest ions: Why
haven't I t aken act ion? I n t he past , what pain have I linked t o t aking t his act ion? Answering t hese
quest ions will help you underst and t hat what has held you back is t hat you've associat ed gr eat er pain
t o t aking t he act ion t han t o not t aking it . Be honest wit h yourself. I f you're t hinking, " I have no pain
associat ed t o it ," t hink a lit t le harder. Maybe t he pain is sim ple: m aybe it 's t he pain of t aking t im e out
of your busy schedule.
Third, writ e down all t he pleasure you've had in t he past by indulging in t his negat ive pat t ern.
For exam ple, if you t hink you should lose som e weight , why have you cont inued t o eat w hole pans of
brownies and bulk- size bags of chips, and t o guzzle t welve- packs of soda pop? You're avoiding t he pain
of depriving yourself, yes, and at t he sam e t im e you're really doing t his because it m akes you feel
good right now. I t gives you pleasure! I nst ant pleasure! No one want s t o give up t hese feelings! I n
order t o creat e a change t hat will last , we need t o find a new way t o get t he sam e pleasure wit hout
any negat ive consequences. I dent ifying t he pleasur e you've been get t ing will help you know what your
t arget is.
Fourt h, writ e down what it will cost you if you don't change now. What will happen if you don't
st op eat ing so m uch sugar and fat ? I f you don't st op sm oking? I f you don't m ake t hat phone call t hat
you know you need t o m ake? I f you don't st art consist ent ly working out each day? Be honest wit h
yourself. What 's it going t o cost you over t he next t wo, t hree, four, five years? What 's it going t o cost
you em ot ionally? What 's it going t o cost you in t erm s of your self- im age? What will it cost you in your
physical energy level? What will it cost you in your feelings of self- est eem ? What will it cost you
financially? What will it cost you in your relat ionships wit h t he people you care about m ost ? How does
t hat m ake you feel? Don't j ust say, " I t will cost m e m oney" or " I will be fat ." That 's not enough. You've
got t o rem em ber t hat what drives us is our em ot ions. So get associat ed and use pain as your friend,
one t hat can drive you t o a new level of success.
The final st ep is t o writ e down all t he pleasure you'll receive by t aking each of t hese act ions right
now. Make a huge list t hat will drive you em ot ionally, t hat will really get you excit ed: " I 'll gain t he
feeling of really being in cont rol of m y life, of knowing t hat I 'm in charge. I 'll gain a new level of selfconfidence. I 'll gain physical vit alit y and healt h. I 'll be able t o st rengt hen all m y relat ionships. I 'll
develop m ore willpower which I could use in every ot her area of m y life. My life will be bet t er in all
t hese ways, now. Over t he next t wo, t hree, four, five years. By t aking t his act ion, I will live m y
dream ." Envision all t he posit ive im pact s bot h in t he present and in t he long t erm .
I encourage you t o t ake t he t im e now t o com plet e t his exercise, and t o t ake advant age of t he
great m om ent um you've been building up as you've m oved t hrough t his book. Carpe diem ! Seize t he
day! There's no t im e like t he present . But if you can't wait anot her second before pressing on t o t he
next chapt er, t hen by all m eans, do so. Just be sure t o com e back t o t his exercise lat er and
dem onst rat e t o yourself t he cont rol you have over t he t win powers of pain and pleasure.
This chapt er has shown you again and again t hat what we link pain t o and pleasure t o shapes
every aspect of our lives and t hat we have t he power t o change t hese associat ions and, t herefore, our
act ions and our dest inies. But in order t o do t his, we m ust underst and . . .
4
BELI EF SYSTEMS:
THE POWER TO
CREATE
AND THE POWER
TO DESTROY
" Under all t hat we t hink, lives all we believe,
like t he ult im at e veil of our spirit s."
—ANTONI O MACHADO
He was bit t er and cruel, an alcoholic and drug addict who alm ost killed him self several t im es. Today he
serves a life sent ence in prison for t he m urder of a liquor st ore cashier who " got in his way." He has
t wo sons, born a m ere eleven m ont hs apart , one of whom grew up t o be " j ust like Dad" : a drug addict
who lived by st ealing and t hreat ening ot hers unt il he, t oo, was put in j ail for at t em pt ed m urder. His
brot her, however, is a different st ory: a m an who's raising t hree kids, enj oys his m arriage, and
appears t o be t ruly happy. As regional m anager for a m aj or nat ional concern, he finds his work bot h
challenging and rewarding. He's physically fit , and has no alcohol or drug addict ions! How could t hese
t wo young m en have t urned out so different ly, having grown up in virt ually t he sam e environm ent ?
Bot h were asked privat ely, unbeknownst t o t he ot her, " Why has your life t urned out t his way?"
Surprisingly, t hey bot h pr ovided t he exact sam e answer: " What else could I have becom e, having
grown up wit h a fat her like t hat ?" So oft en we're seduced int o believing t hat event s cont r ol our lives
and t hat our environm ent has shaped who we are t oday. No great er lie was ever t old. I t 's not t he
event s of our lives t hat shape us, but our beliefs as t o what t hose event s m ean. Two m en are shot
down in Viet nam and im prisoned in t he infam ous Hoa Lo prison. They are isolat ed, chained t o cem ent
slabs, and cont inuously beat en wit h rust y shackles and t ort ured for inform at ion. Yet alt hough t hese
m en are receiving t he sam e abuse, t hey form radically different beliefs about t heir experience. One
m an decides t hat his life is over, and in order t o avoid any addit ional pain, com m it s suicide. The ot her
pulls from t hese brut alizing event s a deeper belief in him self, his fellow m an, and his Creat or t han he's
ever had before. Capt ain Gerald Coffee uses his experience of t his t o rem ind people all over t he world
of t he power of t he hum an spirit t o overcom e virt ually any level of pain, any challenge, or any problem .
Two wom en t urn sevent y years old, yet each t akes a different m eaning from t he event . One " knows"
t hat her life is com ing t o an end. To her, seven decades of living m ean t hat her body m ust be br eaking
down and she'd bet t er st art winding up her affairs. The ot her wom an decides t hat what a person is
capable of at any age depends upon her belief, and set s a higher st andard for herself. She decides t hat
m ount ain clim bing m ight be a good sport t o begin at t he age of sevent y. For t he next t went y five
years she devot es herself t o t his new advent ure in m ast ery, scaling som e of t he highest peaks in t he
world, unt il t oday, in her ninet ies, Hulda Crooks has becom e t he oldest wom an t o ascend Mount Fuj i.
You see, it 's never t he environm ent ; it 's never t he event s of our lives, but t he m eaning we at t ach t o
t he event s—how we int erpret t hem —t hat shapes w ho we are t oday and who we'll becom e t om orrow.
Beliefs are what m ake t he difference bet ween a lifet im e of j oyous cont ribut ion and one of m isery and
devast at ion. Beliefs are what separat e a Mozart from a Manson. Beliefs are what cause som e
individuals t o becom e her oes, while ot hers " lead lives of quiet desper at ion." What are our beliefs
designed for? They're t he guiding force t o t ell us what will lead t o pain and what will lead t o pleasure.
Whenever som et hing happens in your life, your brain asks t wo quest ions: 1) Will t his m ean pain or
pleasure? 2) What m ust I do now t o avoid pain and/ or gain pleasure? The answers t o t hese t wo
quest ions are based on our beliefs, and our beliefs are driven by our generalizat ions about what we've
learned could lead t o pain and pleasure. These generalizat ions guide all of our act ions and t hus t he
direct ion and qualit y of our lives. Generalizat ions can be very useful; t hey are sim ply t he ident ificat ion
of sim ilar pat t erns. For exam ple, what allows you t o open a door?. You look down at a handle and,
alt hough you've never seen t his specific one before, you can generally feel cert ain t hat t his door will
open if you t urn t he handle right or left , if you push or pull it . Why do you believe t his? Sim ply, your
experience of doors has pr ovided enough references t o creat e a sense of cert aint y t hat allows you t o
follow t hrough. Wit hout t his sense of cert aint y, we would virt ually be unable t o leave t he house, drive
our cars, use a t elephone, or do any one of t he dozens of t hings we do in a day. Generalizat ions
sim plify our lives and allow us t o funct ion. Unfort unat ely, generalizat ions in m ore com plex areas of
our lives can oversim plify and som et im es creat e lim it ing beliefs. Maybe you'v e failed t o follow t hrough
on various endeavors a few t im es in your life, and based on t hat , you developed a belief t hat you are
incom pet ent . Once you believe t his is t rue, it can becom e a self- fulfilling prophecy. You m ay say, " Why
even t ry if I 'm not going t o follow t hrough anyway?" Or perhaps you've m ade a few poor decisions in
business or in relat ionships, and have int erpret ed t hat t o m ean you will always " sabot age" yourself. Or
m aybe in school you didn't learn as quickly as you t hought ot her kids did, and rat her t han considering
t he idea t hat you had a different learning st rat egy, you m ay have decided t hat you were " learningdisabled." On anot her level, isn't racial prej udice fueled by a wholesale generalizat ion about an ent ire
group of people? The challenge wit h all t hese beliefs is t hat t hey becom e lim it at ions for fut ure
decisions about who you are and what you're capable of. We need t o rem em ber t hat m ost of our
beliefs are generalizat ions about our past , based on our int erpret at ions of painful and pleasurable
experiences. The challenge is t hreefold: 1) m ost of us do not consciously decide what we're going t o
believe; 2) oft en our beliefs are based on m isint erpret at ion of past experiences; and 3) once we adopt
a belief, we forget it 's m erely an int erpret at ion. We begin t o t reat our beliefs as if t hey're realit ies, as if
t hey are gospel. I n fact , we rarely, if ever, quest ion our long- held beliefs. I f you ever wonder why
people do what t hey do, again, you need t o rem em ber t hat hum an beings are not random creat ures:
all of our act ions are t he r esult of our beliefs. What ever we do, it is out of our conscious or unconscious
beliefs about what will lead t o pleasure or away from pain. I f you want t o creat e long- t erm and
consist ent changes in your behaviors, you m ust change t he beliefs t hat are holding you back.
Beliefs have t he power t o creat e and t he power t o dest roy. Hum an beings have t he awesom e abilit y t o
t ake any experience of t heir lives and creat e a m eaning t hat disem powers t hem or one t hat can
lit erally 10 save t heir lives. Som e people have t aken t he pain of t heir past and said, " Because of t his, I
will help ot hers. Because I was raped 11 , no one else will be harm ed again." Or, " Because I lost m y son
or daught er, I will m ake a difference in t he world." I t 's not som et hing t hey want ed t o believe, but
rat her, adopt ing t his t ype of belief was a necessit y for t hem t o be able t o pick up t he pieces and m ove
on t o live em powering lives. We all have t he capacit y t o creat e m eanings t hat em power us, but so
m any of us never t ap int o it , or even recognize it . I f we don't adopt t he fait h t hat t here is a reason for
t he unexplainable t ragedies of life, t hen we begin t o dest roy our capacit y t o t ruly live. The need t o be
able t o creat e a m eaning out of life's m ost painful experiences was observed by psychiat rist Vikt or
Franki as he and ot her Holocaust vict im s survived t he horrors of Auschwit z and ot her concent rat ion
cam ps. Franki not ed t hat t hose special few who were able t o m ake it t hrough t his " hell on eart h"
shared one t hing in com m on: t hey were able t o endure and t r ansform t heir experience by finding an
em powering m eaning for t heir pain. They developed t he belief t hat because t hey suffered and survived,
t hey would be able t o t ell t he st ory and m ake cert ain t hat no hum an being would ever suffer t his way
again. Beliefs are not lim it ed t o im pact ing our em ot ions or act ions. They can lit erally change our
bodies in a m at t er of m om ent s. I had t he pleasure of int erviewing Yale professor and best - selling
aut hor Dr. Bernie Siegel. As we began t o speak about t he power of belief, Bernie shared wit h m e som e
of t he resear ch he'd done on people wit h Mult iple Personalit y Disorders. I ncr edibly, t he pot ency of
t hese people's beliefs t hat t hey had becom e a different person result ed in an unquest ioned com m and
t o t heir nervous syst em t o m ake m easurable changes in t heir biochem ist ry. The result ? Their bodies
would lit erally t ransform before t he r esearchers' ey es and begin t o reflect a new ident it y at a m om ent 's
not ice. St udies docum ent such rem arkable occurrences as pat ient s' eye color act ually changing as
t heir personalit y changes, or physical m arks disappearing and reappearing! Even diseases such as
diabet es or high blood pressure com e and go depending on t he person's belief as t o which personalit y
t hey're m anifest ing. Beliefs even have t he capacit y t o override t he im pact of drugs on t he body. While
m ost people believe t hat drugs heal, st udies in t he new science of psychoneuroim m unology ( t he m indbody relat ionship) have begun t o bear out what m any ot hers have suspect ed for cent uries: our beliefs
about t he illness and it s t reat m ent play as significant a role, m aybe an even m ore significant role, t han
t he t reat m ent it self. Dr. Henry Beecher from Harvard Universit y has done ext ensive resear ch t hat
clearly dem onst rat es t hat we oft en give credit t o a drug, when in realit y it 's t he pat ient 's belief t hat
m akes t he difference. One dem onst rat ion of t his was a groundbr eaking experim ent in which 100
m edical st udent s were asked t o part icipat e in t est ing t wo new drugs. One was described t o t hem as a
super- st im ulant in a red capsule, t he ot her as a super- t ranquilizer in a blue capsule. Unbeknownst t o
t he st udent s, t he cont ent s of t he capsules had been swit ched: t he red capsule was act ually a
barbit urat e, and t he blue capsule was act ually an am phet am ine. Yet half of t he st udent s developed
physical react ions t hat went along wit h t heir expect at ions—exact ly t he opposit e of t he chem ical
react ion t he drugs should have produced in t heir bodies! These st udent s were not j ust given placebos;
10
11
lit e r a l ( wor t ) wört lich; genau; prosaisch
r a pe v ergew alt igen; Vergewalt igung
t hey were given act ual drugs. But t heir beliefs overrode t he chem ical im pact of t he drug on t heir
bodies. As Dr. Beecher lat er st at ed, a drug's usefulness " is a direct result of not only t he chem ical
proper t ies of t he drug, but also t he pat ient 's belief in t he usefulness and effect iveness of t he drug."
" Drugs are not always necessary, [ but ] belief in recovery always is."
- ORMAN COUSI NS
I had t he privilege of knowing Norm an Cousins for alm ost seven years, and I was fort unat e enough t o
have t he last t aped int erview wit h him j ust one m ont h before he passed on. I n t hat int erview, he
shared a st or y about how st rongly our beliefs affect our physical bodies. At a foot ball gam e in
Mont erey Par k, a Los Angeles suburb, several people experienced t he sym pt om s of food poisoning. The
exam ining physician deduced t hat t he cause was a cert ain soft drink from t he dispensing m achines
because all of his pat ient s had purchased som e prior t o becom ing ill. An announcem ent was m ade over
t he loudspeaker request ing t hat no one pat ronize12 t he dispensing m achine, saying som e people had
becom e ill and describing t he sym pt om s. Pandem onium im m ediat ely broke out in t he st ands as
people ret ched and faint ed in droves. Even a few people who had not even gone near t he m achine
becam e ill! Am bulances from local hospit als did a boom ing business t hat day, as t hey drove back and
fort h t o t he st adium , t ransport ing m ult it udes of st ricken fans. When it was discovered t hat t he
dispensing m achine was not t he culprit 13 , people im m ediat ely and " m iraculously" recovered. We need
t o realize t hat our beliefs have t he capacit y t o m ake us sick or m ake us healt hy in a m om ent. Beliefs
have been docum ent ed t o affect our im m une syst em s. And m ost im port ant ly, beliefs can eit her give us
t he resolve t o t ake act ion, or weaken and dest roy our drive. I n t his m om ent beliefs are shaping how
you respond t o what you've j ust read and what you're going t o do wit h what you're learning in t his
book. Som et im es we develop beliefs t hat creat e lim it at ions or st rengt hs wit hin a very specific cont ext ;
for inst ance, how we feel about our abilit y t o sing or dance, fix a car, or do calculus. Ot her beliefs are
so generalized t hat t hey dom inat e virt ually every aspect of our lives, eit her negat ively or posit ively. I
call t hese global beliefs. Global beliefs are t he giant beliefs we have about ev eryt hing in our lives:
beliefs about our ident it ies, people, work, t im e, m oney, and life it self, for t hat m at t er. These giant
generalizat ions are oft en phrased as is/ am / are: " Life is . . ." " I am . . ." " People are ..." As you can
im agine, beliefs of t his size and scope can shape and color every aspect of our lives. The good news
about t his is t hat m aking one change in a lim it ing global belief you current ly hold can change virt ually
every aspect of your life in a m om ent ! Rem em ber: Once accept ed, our beliefs becom e unquest ioned
com m ands t o our nervous syst em s, and t hey have t he power t o expand or dest roy t he possibilit ies of
our present and fut ure.
I f we want t o direct our lives, t hen, we m ust t ake conscious cont rol over our beliefs. And in order t o do
t hat , we first need t o underst and what t hey really are and how t hey are form ed.
WHAT I S A BELI EF?
12
pa t r on ize fördern; ( St am m ) Kunde oder St am m gast sein bei oder in ( Dat iv ) ; gönner haft oder herablassend
behandeln
13
cu lpr it Schuldige( r) , Tät er( in)
What is a belief, anyway? Oft en in life we t alk about t hings wit hout having a clear idea of what t hey
really are. Most people t r eat a belief as if it 's a t hing, when really all it is is a fe e lin g of ce r t a in t y
about som et hing. I f you say you believe t hat you're int elligent , all you're really saying is, "I feel cert ain
t hat I 'm int elligent ." That sense of cert aint y allows you t o t ap int o resources t hat allow you t o produce
int elligent result s. We all have t he answers inside of us for virt ually anyt hing—or at least we have
access t o t he answers we need t hrough ot hers. But oft en our lack of belief, our lack of cert aint y,
causes us not t o be able t o use t he capacit y t hat resides wit hin us.
A sim ple way of underst anding a belief is t o t hink about it s basic building block: an idea. There are a
lot of ideas you m ay t hink about but not really believe. Let 's t ak e, for exam ple, t he idea t hat you're
sexy. St op for a second and say t o yourself, " I 'm sexy." Now, whet her it 's an idea or a belief will com e
down t o t he am ount of cert aint y you feel about t his phrase as you say it . I f you t hink, " Well, I 'm not
really sexy," what you're really saying is, " I don't feel very cert ain t hat I 'm sexy."
How do we t urn an idea int o a belief? Let m e offer you a sim ple m et aphor t o describe t he process. I f
you can t hink of an idea as being like a t ablet op wit h no legs, you'll have a fair represent at ion of why
an idea doesn't feel as cert ain as a belief. Wit hout any legs, t hat t ablet op won't even st and up by it self.
Belief, on t he ot her hand, has legs. I f you really believe, " I 'm sexy," how do you know you're sexy?
I sn't it t rue t hat you have som e references t o support t he idea—som e experiences in life t o back it up?
Those are t he legs t hat m ake your t ablet op solid, t hat m ake your belief cert ain.
What are som e of t he reference exper iences you've had? Maybe m en and wom en have t old you t hat
you're sexy. Or m aybe you look at yourself in t he m irror, com pare your im age t o t hat of t hose whom
ot her people consider sexy, and say, " Hey, I look like t hem ! " Or m aybe st rangers on t he st reet call out
and wave 14 t o you. All t hese experiences m ean not hing unt il you organize t hem under t he idea t hat
you're sexy. As you do t his, t he legs m ake you feel solid about t he idea and cause you t o begin t o
believe it . Your idea feels cert ain and is now a belief.
Once you underst and t his m et aphor, you can begin t o see how your beliefs are form ed, and get a hint
of how you can change t hem as well. First , t hough, it 's im port ant t o not e t hat we can develop beliefs
about anyt hing if we j ust find enough legs—enough reference experiences—t o build it up. Think about
it . I sn't it t rue t hat you have enough experiences in your life, or know enough ot her people who have
gone t hrough t ough t im es wit h ot her hum an beings, t hat if you really want ed t o you could easily
develop t he belief t hat people are rot t en and, given half a chance, would t ake advant age of you?
Maybe you don't want t o believe t his, and we've already discussed t hat it would be disem powering, but
don't you have experiences t hat could back up t his idea and m ake you feel cert ain about it if you
want ed t o? I sn't it also t rue t hat you have experiences in life—references—t o back up t he idea t hat if
you really care about people and t reat t hem well, t hey are basically good and will want t o help you t oo?
The quest ion is: which one of t hese beliefs is t he t rue belief? The answer is t hat it doesn't m at t er
which one is t rue. What m at t ers is which one is m ost em powering. We all can find som eone t o back up
our belief and m ake us feel m ore solid about it . This is how hum an beings are able t o rat ionalize. The
key quest ion, again, is whet her t his belief is st rengt hening or weakening us, em powering or
disem powering us on a daily basis. So what are t he possible sources of references in our lives?
14
w a ve a t som e on e , w a ve t o som e one j em andem zuw inken
Cert ainly, we can pull from our personal experiences. Som et im es we gat her r eferences t hr ough
inform at ion we get from ot her people, or from books, t apes, m ovies, and so on. And som et im es we
form references based solely on our im aginat ion. The em ot ional int ensit y we feel about any of t hese
references will definit ely affect t he st rengt h and widt h of t he leg. The st rongest and m ost solid legs are
form ed by personal experiences t hat w e have a lot of em ot ion at t ached t o because t hey were painful
or pleasurable experiences. The ot her fact or is t he num ber of references we have—obviously, t he m ore
reference experiences support ing an idea, t he st ronger your belief will be in it .
Do your references have t o be accurat e in order for you t o be willing t o use t hem ? No, t hey can be real
or im aginary, accurat e or inaccurat e—even our own personal experiences, as solidly as we feel about
t hem , are dist ort ed by our own personal perspect ive.
Because hum an beings are capable of such dist ort ion and invent ion, t he reference legs we can use t o
assem ble our beliefs are virt ually unlim it ed. The dow nside of t his is t hat , regar dless of where our
references com e from , we begin t o accept t hem as real and t hus no longer quest ion t hem ! This can
have very powerful negat ive consequences depending upon t he beliefs we adopt . By t he sam e t oken,
we have t he abilit y t o use im agined references t o pr opel us in t he direct ion of our dream s. People
can succeed if t hey im agine som et hing vividly enough j ust as easily as if t hey had t he act ual
experiences. That 's because our brains can't t ell t he difference bet ween som et hing we've vividly
im agined and som et hing we've act ually experienced. Wit h enough em ot ional int ensit y and repet it ion,
our nervous syst em s experience som et hing as real, even if it hasn't occurred yet . Every great achiever
I 've ever int erviewed has had t he abilit y t o get t hem selves t o feel cert ain t hey could succeed, even
t hough no one before t hem had ever accom plished it . They've been able t o creat e refer ences where no
references ex ist ed and achieve what seem ed t o be im possible.
Anyone who uses a com put er is likely t o recognize t he nam e " Microsoft ." What m ost people don't
realize is t hat Bill Gat es, t he co- founder of t hat com pany, was not j ust som e genius who got lucky, but
a person who put him self on t he line wit h no references t o back up his belief. When he found out t hat
an Albuquerque com pany was developing som et hing called a " personal com put er" t hat needed BASI C
soft ware, he called t hem up and prom ised t o deliver it , even t hough he had no such t hing at t he t im e.
Once he had com m it t ed him self, he had t o find a way. His abilit y t o creat e a sense of cert aint y was his
real genius. Many people were j ust as int elligent as he was, but he used his cert aint y t o be able t o t ap
int o his resources, and wit hin a few weeks he and a part ner had writ t en a language t hat m ade t he
personal com put er a realit y. By put t ing him self on t he line and finding a way. Bill Gat es set in m ot ion
t hat day a series of event s t hat would change t he w ay people do business, and becam e a billionaire by
t he t im e he was t hirt y years old. Cert aint y carries power!
Do you know t he st ory of t he four- m inut e m ile? For t housands of years, people held t he belief t hat it
was im possible for a hum an being t o run t he m ile in less t han four m inut es. But in 1954, Roger
Bannist er broke t his im posing 15 belief barrier. He got him self t o achieve t he " im possible" not m erely by
physical pract ice but by const ant ly rehearsing 16 t he event in his m ind, breaking t hrough t he four-
15
im posin g im ponier end, eindrucksvoll, im posant
im pose auferlegen, aufbür den ( on Dat iv) ; St rafe verhängen ( on gegen) ; et w as aufdrängen, - zw ingen ( on Dat iv) ;
im pose oneself on som eone sich j em andem aufdrängen
16
r e h e a r se MUSI K, THEATER proben
m inut e barrier so m any t im es wit h so m uch em ot ional int ensit y t hat he creat ed vivid references t hat
becam e an unquest ioned com m and t o his nervous syst em t o produce t he result . Many people don't
realize, t hough, t hat t he great est aspect of his breakt hrough was what it did for ot hers. I t had seem ed
no one would ever be able t o break a four- m inut e m ile, yet wit hin one year of Roger 's breaking t he
barrier, 37 ot her runners also broke it . His experience provided t hem wit h references st rong enough t o
creat e a sense of cert aint y t hat t hey, t oo, could " do t he im possible." And t he year aft er t hat , 300 ot her
runners did t he sam e t hing!
" The belief t hat becom es t rut h for m e ... is t hat which allows m e t he best use of m y st rengt h, t he best
m eans of put t ing m y virt ues int o act ion."
ANDRE GI DE
People so oft en develop lim it ing beliefs about who t hey are and what t hey're capable of. Because t hey
haven't succeeded in t he past , t hey believe t hey won't be able t o succeed in t he fut ure. As a result ,
out of t heir fear of pain, t hey begin t o const ant ly focus on being " realist ic." Most people who const ant ly
say, " Let 's be realist ic," are really j ust living in fear, deat hly afraid of being disappoint ed again. Out of
t hat fear, t hey develop beliefs t hat cause t hem t o hesit at e, t o not give t heir all—consequent ly
t hey get lim it ed result s. Great leaders are rarely " realist ic." They are int elligent , and t hey are accurat e,
but t hey are not realist ic by ot her people's st andards. What is realist ic for one person, t hough, is
t ot ally different from what is realist ic for anot her per son, based upon t heir references. Gandhi believed
he could gain aut onom y for I ndia wit hout violent ly opposing Great Brit ain—som et hing t hat had never
been done before. He wasn't being realist ic, but he cert ainly proved t o be accurat e. By t he sam e t ok en,
it cert ainly wasn't realist ic for a m an t o believe he could give t he world happiness by building a t hem e
park in t he m iddle of an orange grove and charging people not only for t he rides, but even t o get in! At
t he t im e, t here was no such park in t he world. Yet Walt Disney had a sense of cert aint y like few
people who have ever lived, and his opt im ism t ransform ed his circum st ances.
I f you're going t o m ake an error in life, err on t he side of overest im at ing your capabilit ies ( obviously,
as long as it doesn't j eopardize your life) . By t he way, t his is som et hing t hat 's hard t o do, since t he
hum an capacit y is so m uch great er t han m ost of us would ever dream . I n fact m any st udies have
focused on t he differences bet ween people who are depr essed and people who are ext rem ely
opt im ist ic. Aft er at t em pt ing t o learn a new skill, t he pessim ist s are always m ore accurat e about how
t hey did, while t he opt im ist s see t heir behavior as being m ore effect ive t han it act ually was. Yet t his
unrealist ic evaluat ion of t heir own perform ance is t he secret of t heir fut ure success. I nvariably 17 t he
opt im ist s event ually 18 end up m ast ering t he skill while t he pessim ist s fail. Why? Opt im ist s are t hose,
who, despit e having no references for success, or even references of failure, m anage t o ignore t hose
references, leaving unassem bled such cognit ive t ablet ops as " I failed" or " I can't succeed." I nst ead,
opt im ist s produce fait h references, sum m oning 19 fort h t heir im aginat ion t o pict ure t hem selves doing
som et hing different next t im e and succeeding. I t is t his special abilit y, t his unique focus, which allows
17
in va r ia bly ausnahm slos
e ve nt u a lly schließlich
19
su m m on auffordern; Versam m lung einber ufen; RECHT v orladen; sum m on up Mut zusam m ennehm en
18
t hem t o persist unt il event ually t hey gain t he dist inct ions t hat put t hem over t he t op. The reason
success eludes20 m ost people is t hat t hey have insufficient references of succeeding in t he past . But an
opt im ist operat es wit h beliefs such as, "Th e pa st doe sn 't e qu a l t h e fu t u r e ." All great leaders, all
people who have achieved success in any area of life, know t he power of cont inuously, pursuing t heir
vision, even if all t he det ails of how t o achieve it aren't yet ; available. I f you de ve lop t h e a bsolu t e
se n se of ce r t a in t y t h a t pow e r fu l be lie fs pr ovide , t h e n you ca n ge t you r se lf t o a ccom plish
vir t u a lly a n yt h in g, in clu din g t h ose t h in gs t h a t ot h e r pe ople a r e ce r t a in a r e im possible .
" Only in m en's im aginat ion does every t rut h find an effect ive and undeniable exist ence. I m aginat ion,
not invent ion, is t he suprem e m ast er of art , as of life."
JOSEPH CONRAD
One of t he biggest challenges in anyone's life is knowing how t o int erpret " failures." How we deal wit h
life's " defeat s" and what we det erm ine is t he cause will shape our dest inies. We need t o rem em ber
t hat h ow w e de a l w it h a dve r sit y a n d ch a lle n ge s w ill sh a pe ou r live s m or e t h a n a lm ost
a n yt h in g e lse . Som et im es we get so m any references of pain and failure t hat we begin t o assem ble
t hose int o a belief t hat not hing we do can m ake t hings bet t er. Som e people begin t o feel t hat t hings
are point less, t hat t hey're helpless or wort hless, or t hat no m at t er what t hey t ry t hey'll lose anyway.
These ar e a set of beliefs t hat m ust never be indulged in if we ever expect t o succeed and achieve in
our lives. These beliefs st rip us of our personal power and dest roy our abilit y t o act . I n psychology,
t here is a nam e for t his dest ruct ive m indset : learned helplessness. When people experience enough
failure at som et hing—and you'd be surprised how few t im es t his is for som e people—t hey perceive
t heir effort s as fut ile and develop t he t erm inal discouragem ent of learned helplessness.
Dr. Mart in Seligm an of t he Universit y of Pennsylvania has done int ensive research on what creat es
learned helplessness. I n his book Learned Opt im ism he report s on t hree specific pa t t e r n s of be lie fs
t hat cause us t o feel helpless and can dest roy virt ually every aspect of our lives. He calls t hese t hree
cat egories pe r m a ne n ce , pe r va sive n e ss, and pe r sona l. Many of our count ry's great est achievers
have succeeded in spit e of running int o huge problem s and barriers. The difference bet ween t hem and
t hose who give up revolves around t heir beliefs about t he perm anence, or lack t hereof, of t heir
problem s. Achievers rarely, if ever, see a problem as perm anent , while t hose who fail see even t he
sm allest problem s as perm anent . Once you adopt t he belief t hat t here's not hing you can do t o change
som et hing, sim ply because not hing you've done up unt il now has changed it , you st art t o t ake a
pernicious poison int o your syst em . Eight years ago, when I had hit rock bot t om and despaired of ever
t urning t hings around, I t hought m y problem s were perm anent . That was t he closest t hing t o
em ot ional deat h I 've ever experienced. I learned t o link so m uch pain t o holding t hat belief t hat I was
able t o dest roy it , and I 've never indulged in it again. You m ust do t he sam e. I f you ever hear yourself
or anyone you care about st art ing t o express t he belief t hat a problem is perm anent , it 's t im e t o
im m ediat ely shake t hat person loose. No m at t er what happens in your life, you've got t o be able t o
believe, " Th is, t oo, sh a ll pa ss," and t hat if you keep persist ing, you'll find a way.
20
e lude geschickt ent gehen, ausw eichen, sich ent ziehen ( alle Dat iv) ; übert ragen nicht einfallen ( Dat iv )
The second difference bet ween winners and losers, t hose who are opt im ist ic and t hose who are
pessim ist ic, is t heir beliefs about t he pervasiveness of problem s. An achiever never sees a problem as
being pervasive, t hat is, t hat one problem cont rols t heir whole life. They always see it as, " Well, it 's
j ust a lit t le challenge wit h m y eat ing pat t ern." They don't see it as, " I 'm t he problem . Because I
overeat , m y whole life is dest royed." Conversely, t hose who are pessim ist ic—t hose who have learned
helplessness—have developed a belief t hat because t hey screwed up in one area, t hey are a screw- up!
They believe t hat because t hey have financial challenges, t heir whole life is now dest royed: t heir kids
won't be t ak en care of, t heir spouses will leave t hem , and so on. Pret t y soon t hey generalize t hat
t hings are out of cont rol and feel com plet ely helpless. I m agine t he im pact of perm anence and
pervasiveness t oget her! The solut ion t o bot h perm anence and pervasiveness is t o see som et hing you
can t ake cont rol of in your life, and begin t o t ake act ion in t hat direct ion. As you do t his, som e of t hese
lim it ing beliefs will disappear. The final cat egory of belief, which Seligm an calls personal, I refer t o as
t he problem being personal. I f we don't see a failure as a challenge t o m odify our approach, but rat her
as a problem wit h ourselves, as a personalit y defect, we will im m ediat ely feel overwhelm ed. Aft er all,
how do you change your ent ire life? I sn't t hat m ore difficult t han j ust changing your act ions in a
part icular area? Be wary of adopt ing t he belief of t he problem being personal. How inspired can you
get by beat ing yourself up?
Holding t hese lim it ing beliefs is equivalent t o syst em at ically ingest ing m inut e doses of ar senic t hat ,
over t im e, build up t o a fat al dose. While we don't die im m ediat ely, we st art dying em ot ionally t he
m om ent we part ake of t hem . So we have t o avoid t hem at all cost s. Rem em ber, as long as you believe
som et hing, your brain operat es on aut om at ic pilot , filt ering any input from t he environm ent and
searching for references t o validat e your belief, regardless of what it is.
" I t is t he m ind t hat m aket h good of ill, t hat m aket h wret ch or happy, rich or poor."
EDMUND SPENSER
H OW TO CH AN GE A BELI EF
All pe r son a l br e a k t h r ough s be gin w it h a ch a n ge in be lie fs. So how do we change? The m ost
effect ive way is t o get your brain t o associat e m assive pain t o t he old belief. You m ust feel deep in
your gut t hat not only has t his belief cost you pain in t he past , but it 's cost ing you in t he present and,
ult im at ely, can only bring you pain in t he fut ure. Then you m ust associat e t rem endous pleasure t o t he
idea of adopt ing a new, em powering belief. This is t he basic pat t ern t hat we'll review again and again
in creat ing change in our lives. Rem em ber, we can never forget t hat everyt hing we do, we do eit her
out of our need t o avoid pain or our desire t o gain pleasure, and if w e a ssocia t e e n ou gh pa in t o
a n yt h in g, w e 'll ch a n ge . The only reason we have a belief about som et hing is t hat we've linked
m assive pain t o not believing it or m assive pleasure t o keeping it alive.
Secondly, creat e doubt . I f you're really honest wit h yourself, aren't t here som e beliefs t hat you used t o
defend heart and soul years ago t hat you'd be alm ost em bar rassed t o adm it t o t oday? What happened?
Som et hing caused you t o doubt : m ay be a new experience, m aybe a count er exam ple t o your past
belief. Perhaps you m et som e Russians and found out t hat t hey were people j ust like you, not part of
som e " evil em pire." I t hink t hat m any Am ericans t oday feel a genuine com passion for Soviet cit izens
because t hey see t hem as people who are st ruggling t o t ake car e of t heir fam ilies. Part of what
changed our percept ions was exchange program s in which we act ually m et Russians and saw how
m uch t hey share in com m on wit h us. We got new experiences which caused us t o quest ion,
int errupt ed our pat t erns of cert aint y, and began t o shake our reference legs.
However, new experience in and of it self doesn't guarant ee a change in belief. People can have an
experience t hat runs direct ly count er t o t heir belief, yet reint erpret it any way t hey want in order t o
bolst er t heir convict ion. Saddam Hussein dem onst rat ed t his during t he Persian Gulf War, insist ing t hat
he was winning despit e t he dest ruct ion t hat surrounded him . On a personal level, a wom an at one of
m y sem inars st art ed t o ex perience som e rat her unique m ent al and em ot ional st at es, claim ing t hat I
was a Nazi and was poisoning t he people in t he room wit h invisible gases flowing t hrough t he air
condit ioning vent s. As I t ried t o calm her down by slowing m y speech pat t erns—a st andar d approach in
causing som eone t o relax—she point ed out , " See, it 's already beginning t o slur your speech! " No
m at t er what happened, she m anaged t o use it t o back up her convict ion t hat we were all being
poisoned. Event ually I was able t o break her pat t ern. How do you do t hat ? We'll t alk about t hat in t he
next chapt er. N e w e x pe r ie n ce s t r igge r ch a n ge on ly if t h e y ca u se u s t o qu e st ion ou r be lie fs.
Rem em ber, w h e n e ve r w e be lie ve som e t h in g, w e n o lon ge r qu e st ion it in a n y w a y. The m om ent
we begin t o honest ly quest ion our beliefs, we no longer feel absolut ely cert ain about t hem . We are
beginning t o shake t he reference legs of our cognit ive t ables, and as a result st art t o lose our feeling of
absolut e cert aint y. Have you ever doubt ed your abilit y t o do som et hing? How did you do it ? You
probably asked yourself som e poor quest ions like "What if I screw up?" " What if it doesn't work out ?"
" What if t hey don't like m e?" But quest ions can obviously be t rem endously em powering if we use t hem
t o exam ine t he validit y of beliefs we m ay have j ust blindly accept ed. I n fact , m any of our beliefs are
support ed by inform at ion we've received from ot hers t hat we failed t o quest ion at t he t im e. I f we
scrut inize t hem , we m ay find t hat what we've unconsciously believed for years m ay be based on a
false set of presupposit ions.
I f you use a t ypewrit er or com put er, I 'm sure you'll appreciat e t his exam ple. Why do you t hink t he
t radit ional arrangem ent of let t ers, num bers, and sy m bols on 99 percent of all t yping devices is
universally accept ed around t he world? ( By t he way, t hat arrangem ent of charact ers is known as
QWERTY. I f you t ype, you know t hat t hese are t he charact ers on t he t op left row of your keyboard.)
Obviously t his arrangem ent was devised as t he m ost efficient configurat ion t o bolst er t yping speed,
right ? Most people never quest ion it ; aft er all, QWERTY has exist ed for 120 years. But in fact , QWERTY
is about t he m ost inefficient configurat ion you can im agine! Many program s such as t he Dvorak
Sim plified Keyboard have been pr oven t o cut errors and increase speed radically. The t rut h is, QWERTY
was deliberat ely designed t o slow down t he hum an t ypist at a t im e when t ypewrit er pans m oved so
slowly t hat t hey would j am if t he oper at or t yped t oo fast .
Why have we clung t o t he QWERTY key board for 120 years? I n 1882, when alm ost everyone t yped
wit h t he hunt - and- peck m et hod, a wom an who had developed t he eight - finger t yping m et hod was
challenged t o a t yping cont est by anot her t eacher. To represent her, she hired a professional t ypist , a
m an who had m em orized t he QWERTY keyboard. Wit h t he advant age of m em orizat ion and t he eight finger m et hod, he was able t o beat his com pet it or, who used t he four- finger hunt - and- peck m et hod on
a different keyboard. So from t hen on, QWERTY becam e t he st andard for " speed," and no one even
quest ioned t he reference anym ore t o see how valid it was. How m any ot her beliefs do you have in
daily life about who you are, or what you can or cannot do, or how people should act , or what
capabilit ies your kids have t hat you're failing t o quest ion also—disem powering beliefs you've begun t o
accept t hat lim it your life, and you're not even aware of it ?
I f you qu e st ion a n yt h in g e n ou gh , e ve n t u a lly you 'll be gin t o dou bt it . This includes t hings t hat
you absolut ely believe " beyond t he shadow of a doubt ." Years ago, I had t he unique oppor t unit y of
working wit h t he U. S. Arm y, wit h whom I negot iat ed a cont ract t o reduce cert ain t raining t im es for
specialized areas. My work was so successful t hat I also went t hrough t op- secret clearance and had a
chance t o m odel one of t he t op officials in t he CI A, a m an who'd worked his way up from t he bot t om of
t he organizat ion. Let m e t ell you t hat t he skills t hat he and ot her s like him have developed for shaking
anot her person's convict ions and changing t heir beliefs are absolut ely ast ounding. They creat e an
environm ent t hat causes people t o doubt what t hey've always believed, and t hen give t hem new ideas
and experiences t o suppor t t he adopt ion of new beliefs. Wat ching t he speed at which t hey can change
som eone's belief is alm ost scary, yet it 's powerfully fascinat ing. I 've learned t o use t hese t echniques
on m yself t o be able t o elim inat e m y disem powering beliefs and replace t hem wit h em powering ones.
Our beliefs have different levels of em ot ional cert aint y and int ensit y, and it 's im port ant t o know j ust
how int ense t hey really are. I n fact , I 've classified beliefs int o t hree cat egories: opin ion s, be lie fs, and
con vict ion s. An opin ion is som et hing we feel relat ively cert ain about , but t he cert aint y is only
t em porary because it can be changed easily. Our cognit ive t ablet op is support ed by wobbly, unverified
reference legs t hat m ay be based on im pressions. For exam ple, m any people originally perceived 21
George Bush as a " wim p," based solely on his t one of voice. But when t hey saw how he was able t o
galvanize support from leaders around t he world and effect ively deal wit h Saddam Hussein's invasion
of Kuwait , t here was a clear shift in t he public opinion polls. Bush soared t o one of t he highest levels of
public popularit y of any president in m odem hist ory. But by t he t im e you read t his paragraph, t his
cult ural opinion m ay have changed. Such is t he nat ure of opinions: t hey are easily swayed, and usually
based on only a few references t hat a person has focused on in t he m om ent . A be lie f, on t he ot her
hand, is form ed when we begin t o dev elop a m uch larger base of reference legs, and especially
reference legs about which we have st rong em ot ion. These refer ences give us an absolut e sense of
cert aint y about som et hing. And again, as I 've said before, t hese r eferences can com e in a variet y of
21
pe r ce ive ( be) m erken, wahr nehm en; erkennen
form s: anyt hing from our personal experiences t o inform at ion t hat we've t aken in from ot her sources,
or even t hings we've im agined vividly.
People wit h beliefs have such a st rong level of cert aint y t hat t hey are oft en closed off t o new input . But
if you have rapport in com m unicat ing wit h t hem , it 's possible t o int errupt t heir pat t ern of closing off,
and get t hem t o quest ion t heir references so t hey begin t o allow for new input . This creat es enough
doubt t o dest abilize old references and m ake room for a new belief. A con vict ion , however, eclipses a
belief, prim arily because of t he em ot ional int ensit y a person links t o an idea. A person holding a
convict ion does not only feel cert ain, but get s angry if t heir convict ion is even quest ioned. A person
wit h a convict ion is unwilling t o ever quest ion t heir references, even for a m om ent ; t hey are t ot ally
resist ant t o new input , oft en t o t he point of obsession. For exam ple, zealot s22 t hrough t he ages have
held t he convict ion t hat t heir view of God is t he only correct one, and t hey will even kill t o m aint ain
t hose beliefs. The convict ion of t rue believers has also been ex ploit ed by would- be saviors cloaking
t heir m urderous int ent under holy guises23 ; it 's what caused t hat group of people living in Guyana t o
poison t heir own children, and t hen t hem selves, by drinking cyanide- laced Kool- Aid at t he direct ion of
t he m essianic m adm an Jim Jones.
Of course, fervent convict ion is not t he exclusive propert y of fanat ics. I t belongs t o anyone wit h a high
enough degr ee of com m it m ent and dedicat ion t o an idea, principle, or cause. For exam ple, som eone
who disagrees st rongly wit h t he pract ice of undergr ound nuclear t est ing has a belief, but som eone who
t akes an act ion—even an act ion ot hers do not appreciat e or appr ove, such as dem onst rat ing in a
prot est m arch at t he facilit y, has a convict ion. Som eone who bewails t he st at e of public educat ion has
a belief, but som eone who act ually volunt eers in a lit eracy progr am t o t ry t o m ake a difference has a
convict ion. Som eone who fant asizes about owning an ice hockey t eam has an opinion about t heir
desire, but som eone who does what ev er it t akes t o gat her t he necessary resources t o buy a franchise
has a convict ion. What 's t he difference?
Clearly, it 's in t he act ions t hat one is willing t o t ake. I n fact , som eone wit h a convict ion is so
passionat e about t heir belief t hat t hey're even willing t o risk rej ect ion or m ake a fool of t hem selves for
t he sake of t heir convict ion.
Probably t he single biggest fact or separ at ing belief and convict ion, t hough, is t hat a convict ion has
usually been t riggered by significant em ot ional event s, during which t he brain links up, " Unless I
believe t his, I will suffer m assive pain. I f I were t o change t his belief, t hen I would be giving up m y
ent ire ident it y, everyt hing m y life has st ood for, for years." Holding t he convict ion t hus becom es
crucial t o t he person's ver y survival. This can be dangerous because anyt im e we're not willing t o even
look at or consider t he possibilit y t hat our beliefs are inaccurat e, we t rap ourselves in rigidit y which
22
23
ze a lot Fanat iker( in) , Eiferer , Eiferin
gu ise über t r agen Gest alt , Maske
could ult im at ely condem n us t o long- t erm failure. Som et im es it m ay be m ore appropriat e t o have a
belief about som et hing rat her t han a convict ion.
On t he posit ive side, convict ions—by t he passion t hey inspire in us—can be em powering because t hey
com pel us t o act . According t o Dr. Robert P. Abelson, professor of psychology and polit ical science at
Yale Universit y, " Beliefs are like possessions, and convict ions are sim ply m ore valued possessions
which allow an individual t o passionat ely work t oward eit her large- scale or individual com plet ion of
goals, proj ect s, wishes, and desires."
Oft en t he best t hing you can do t o creat e m ast ery in any area of your life is t o raise a belief t o t he
level of convict ion. Rem em ber, convict ion has t he power t o drive you t o act ion, t o push you t hrough all
kinds of obst acles. Beliefs can do t his as well, but som e areas of your life m ay require t he added
em ot ional int ensit y of convict ion. For exam ple, t he convict ion t o never let yourself becom e overweight
will com pel you t o m ake consist ent ly healt hy lifest yle choices, allowing you t o get m ore enj oym ent out
of your life, and perhaps even saving you from a heart at t ack. The convict ion t hat you are an
int elligent person who can always find a way t o t urn t hings around can help st eer you t hrough som e of
t he t oughest t im es in your life.
So how can you creat e a convict ion? 1) St art wit h t he basic belief. 2) Reinforce your belief by adding
new and m ore powerful references. For exam ple, let 's say you've decided never t o eat m eat again. To
st rengt hen your resolve, t alk t o people who've chosen a veget arian or vegan lifest yle: what reasons
prom pt ed t hem t o change t heir diet , and what have been t he consequences on t heir healt h and in
ot her areas of t heir lives? I n addit ion, begin t o st udy t he physiological im pact t hat anim al prot ein has.
The m ore references you develop, and t he m ore em ot ional t he references ar e, t he st ronger your
convict ion will becom e. 3) Then find a t riggering event , or else creat e one of your own. Associat e
yourself fully by asking, "What will it cost m e if I don't ?" Ask quest ions t hat creat e em ot ional int ensit y
for you. For exam ple, if you want t o develop a convict ion never t o abuse dr ugs, m ake t he painful
consequences of drug abuse feel real t o you by viewing film s or, bet t er yet , visit ing a shelt er t o see
first hand t he devast at ion wrought by drug abuse. I f you've vowed t o give up sm oking, visit t he
int ensive- care wing of a hospit al t o observe em physem a pat ient s confined t o oxygen t ent s, or view an
X- ray of a sm oker's black lungs. These kinds of experiences have t he power t o push you over t he edge
and est ablish t rue convict ion. 4) Finally, t ake act ion. Each act ion you t ake st rengt hens your
com m it m ent and raises t he level of your em ot ional int ensit y and convict ion.
One of t he challenges wit h convict ions is t hat t hey're oft en based on ot her people's ent husiasm for
your beliefs. So oft en people believe som et hing because everybody else believes it . This is known in
psychology as socia l pr oof. But social proof is not always accurat e. When people are not sure what t o
do, t hey look t o ot hers for guidance. I n Dr. Robert Cialdini's book I nfluence, he describes a classic
experim ent in which som eone yells " Rape! " for a subj ect 's benefit while t wo people ( psychological
plant s) ignore t he cries for help and keep walking. The subj ect doesn't know whet her t o respond t o t he
pleas or not , but when he sees t he ot her t wo people act as if not hing is wrong, he decides t hat t he
cries for help are insignificant and t o ignore t hem also.
Using social proof is a great way t o lim it your life—t o m ake it j ust like everybody else's. Som e of t he
st rongest social proof t hat people use is inform at ion t hat t hey get from " expert s." But are expert s
always right ? Think about our healers t hroughout t he years. I t wasn't t hat long ago t hat t he m ost upt o- dat e doct ors believed absolut ely in t he curat ive propert ies of leeches! And in our own generat ion,
doct ors gav e pregnant wom en a soot hing- sounding m edicat ion for m orning sickness—Bendect in, which
sounds like " benedict ion" —which t urned out t o be linked t o birt h defect s. Of course, t hese doct ors
were prescribing t his drug because t he drug com panies—pharm aceut ical expert s—gave t hem cert aint y
t hat t his was t he finest drug available. What 's t he lesson? Trust ing expert s blindly is not well- advised.
Don't blindly accept everyt hing I say, eit her! Consider t hings in t he cont ext of your own life; does it
m ake sense for you? Som et im es even t he evidence of your senses can't be t rust ed, as t he st ory of
Copernicus illust rat es. I n t he days of t his sem inal Polish ast ronom er, everyone knew t hat t he sun
m oved around t he eart h. Why? Because anyone could walk out side, point t o t he sky and say, " See?
The sun has m oved across t he sky. Obviously t he eart h is t he cent er of t he universe." But in 1543
Copernicus developed t he first accurat e m odel of our sun- based solar syst em . He, like ot her giant s
t hrough t he ages, had t he courage t o challenge t he " wisdom " of t he expert s, and event ually t he t rut h
of his t heories gained accept ance in t he general populace, alt hough not during his lifet im e.
PAI N I S TH E ULTI M ATE TOOL FOR
SH I FTI N G A BELI EF
Again, pain is st ill t he m ost powerful way t o change a belief. A great illust rat ion of t he power of
changed beliefs occurred on t he Sally Jessy Raphael show when a brave wom an st ood before a st udio
and world audience t o renounce 24 her alliance wit h t he Ku Klux Klan. I ronically, she had been on t he
sam e show only a m ont h before, part icipat ing in a panel of KKK wom en railing against all who didn't
share t heir convict ions 25 about race, angrily shout ing t hat racial m ixing—educat ionally, econom ically,
or socially—would be t he downfall of t he count ry and it s people. What m ade her beliefs change so
drast ically? Three t hings: First , a young wom an in t he audience during t he original show had st ood up,
crying, and pleaded for underst anding. Her husband and child were Hispanic, and she sobbed t hat she
couldn't believe a group of people could be so hat eful.
Second, flying hom e, she yelled at her son ( who had appeared wit h her, yet didn't share her views) for
" em barrassing" her on nat ional t elevision. The rest of t he wom en chast ised him for being disrespect ful,
and quot ed t o him from t he Bible: " Thou shalt honor t hy m ot her and fat her." Her sixt een- year- old son
responded by saying t hat God cert ainly didn't int end for him t o respect t he evil she was espousing, and
he im m ediat ely got off t he plane in Dallas, vowing never t o com e hom e again. As t he wom an
24
25
r e n ou n ce v erzicht en auf ( Akkusat iv) ; seinem Glauben und so weit er abschwören
con vict ion RECHT Verur t eilung; Überzeugung
cont inued her flight hom e, her m ind raced over t he day's event s, and also began t o t hink about t he
war t hat her count ry was fight ing in t he Middle East . She rem em bered what anot her m em ber of t he
audience had said t o her t hat day: " Young m en and wom en of color are over t here fight ing not only for
t hem selves, but also for you." She t hought about her son, how m uch she loved him , and how spit eful
she had been wit h him . Would she allow t hat brief exchange of words t o be t heir last ? Even t he
t hought of it was t oo painful for her t o bear. She had t o m ake a change im m ediat ely.
As a result of t his experience, she t old t he audience, she received a m essage from God which she
heeded im m ediat ely: t o quit t he Klan and t o begin t o love all people equally, as her brot her s and
sist ers. Cert ainly she will m iss her friends—she'll be ost racized by t he group—but she say s t hat her
soul is now cleansed and t hat she will begin her life anew wit h a clear conscience. I t 's vit al t o exam ine
our beliefs, and t heir consequences, t o m ake sure t hat t hey're em powering us. How do you know what
beliefs t o adopt ? The answ er is t o find som eone who's producing t he result s you t ruly want in your life.
These people are t he role m odels who can give you som e of t he answers you seek. I nvariably, behind
all successful people lies a specific set of em powering beliefs.
Th e w a y t o e x pa n d ou r live s is t o m ode l t h e live s of t h ose pe ople w h o a r e a lr e a dy
su cce e din g. I t 's powerful, it 's fun, and t hese people are available all around you. I t 's j ust a m at t er of
asking quest ions: " What do you believe m akes you different ? What are t he beliefs you have t hat
separat e you from ot hers?" Years ago I read a book called Meet ings wit h Rem arkabk Men, and used
t hat as a t hem e t o shape m y life. Since t hen I 've becom e a hunt er of excellence, const ant ly seeking
out t he leading m en and wom en in our cult ure t o discover t heir beliefs, values, and st rat egies for
achieving success. Two years ago I developed POWERTALK™ m y m ont hly audio m agazine in which I
int erview t hese giant s. I n fact , m any of t he key dist inct ions I 'm sharing wit h you in t his book were
m ade as a result of int erviews wit h som e of t hese people who are t he finest in t heir part icular areas of
endeavor. By having a com m it m ent t o share t hese int erviews, m y newest t hought s, and a sum m ary of
a nat ional best - selling book wit h you each m ont h, I 've developed a consist ent plan not only for
em powering ot her people but for const ant ly im proving m yself as well. I 'll be happy t o help you in your
m odeling of successful people t hrough m y program , but rem em ber: you're not lim it ed t o m e. The
m odels t hat you need are surrounding you every single day.*
" We are what we t hink.
All t hat we ar e arises
Wit h our t hought s.
Wit h our t hought s,
We m ake our world."
BUDDHA
For alm ost a decade now I 've t alked t o people in m y Living Healt h™ sem inars about t he direct
correlat ion bet ween t he high percent age of anim al prot ein in t he t ypical Am erican diet and t he high
incidence of t his nat ion's t op t wo killers: heart disease and cancer. By doing t his, I cont radict ed one of
t he belief syst em s t hat has m ost significant ly shaped our physical dest iny for t he past t hirt y five years:
t he " Four Basic Food Groups" plan t hat recom m ends generous daily servings of m eat , chicken, or fish.
Yet t oday, scient ist s have now est ablished beyond t he shadow of a doubt a direct relat ionship bet ween
eat ing anim al prot ein and being at risk of developing heart disease and cancer. I n fact , t he 3,000m em ber Physicians Com m it t ee for Responsible Medicine has asked t he Depart m ent of Agricult ure t o
drop m eat , fish, poult ry, eggs, and m ilk product s from t he recom m ended daily allowances. And t he
governm ent it self is considering changing t he four basic food groups t o six, relegat ing m eat , chicken,
and fish t o j ust a t iny proport ion of t he whole. This m assive shift in beliefs has caused out r age in m any
quart ers. I believe t his follows a pat t ern t hat we see t hroughout hist ory and t hroughout our cult ure,
and t hat is sim ply t his:
As t he Germ an philosopher Art hur Schopenhauer st at ed, all t rut h goes t hrough t hree st eps.
First , it is ridiculed.
Second, it is violent ly opposed.
Finally, it is accept ed as self- evident 26 .
These ideas about anim al prot ein used t o be ridiculed; now t hey're being violent ly opposed.
Event ually t hey'll be accept ed—but not unt il a lot m ore people becom e sick or even die because of
t heir lim it ing beliefs about how im port ant excessive am ount s of anim al prot ein is for t heir bodies.
I n business, t oo, we have a set of false beliefs t hat are leading us down a road of econom ic
frust rat ion, and som e say pot ent ial disast er. Our econom y faces challenges in virt ually every sect or.
Why? I found one clue in an art icle I read in t he March 1991 For bes m agazine. This art icle describes
t wo cars—t he Chrysler- Plym out h Laser and t he Mit subishi Eclipse—and not es t hat Chrysler averaged
only t hirt een sales per dealership of t heir car w hile Mit subishi averaged over 100! You m ay say,
" What else is new? The Japanese ar e beat ing t he pant s off t he Am erican com panies in selling cars."
But t he unique t hing about t hese t wo cars is t hat t hey're exact ly t he sam e—t hey were built in
part nership bet ween t hese t wo com panies. The only difference bet ween t he Laser and t he Eclipse is
t he nam e and t he com pany who's selling it . How can t his be? As you m ay have guessed, research
invest igat ing t he cause of t he discrepancy in sales has shown t hat people want t o buy Japanese cars
because t hey believe t hey are of great er qualit y. The problem in t his case is t hat it 's a false belief.
The Am erican com pany's car is of t he sam e qualit y because it 's t he very sam e car.
Why would consum ers believe t his? Obviously, it 's because t he Japanese have creat ed a r eputat ion
for qualit y, providing us wit h num erous references t o back it up—even t o t he point where we no
longer quest ion it s validit y. I t m ay surprise you t hat t he Japanese com m it m ent t o increasing qualit y
is act ually t he result of an Am erican export in t he person of Dr. W. Edwards Dem ing. I n 1950 t his
renowned qualit y- cont rol expert was brought t o Japan by General MacArt hur, who was frust rat ed
26
se lf- e vide n t selbst v erst ändlich; offensicht lich
wit h a war- ravaged Japanese indust rial base where he couldn't even count on being able t o com plet e
a phone call. At t he request of t he Japanese Union of Scient ist s and Engineers, Dem ing began t o
t rain t he Japanese in his t ot al qualit y- cont rol principles. When you hear t his, do you im m ediat ely
t hink it refers t o m onit oring t he qualit y of a physical product ? Not hing could be furt her from t he
t rut h. Dem ing t aught t he Japanese fourt een principles and a basic core belief t hat is t he foundat ion
of virt ually all decisions m ade in every successful, m aj or, m ult inat ional Japanese corporat ion t o t his
day.
The core belief, sim ply, is t his: a const ant , never- ending com m it m ent t o consist ent ly increase t he
qualit y of t heir business every single day would give t hem t he power t o dom inat e t he m ar ket s of t he
world. Dom ing t aught t hat qualit y was not j ust a m at t er of m eet ing a cert ain st andard, but rat her was
a living, breat hing process of never- ending im provem ent . I f t he Japanese would live by t he principles
t hat he t aught , he prom ised t hem , wit hin five years t hey would flood t he world wit h qualit y product s
and wit hin a decade or t wo becom e one of t he world's dom inant econom ic powers.
Many t hought Dem ing's proclam at ions were crazy. But t he Japanese t ook him at his word, and t oday
he is revered as t he fat her of t he " Japanese m iracle." I n fact , each year since 1950, t he highest honor
a Japanese com pany can receive is t he Nat ional Dem ing Prize. This award is given on nat ional
t elevision and is used t o acknowledge t he com pany t hat represent s t he highest level of increases in
qualit y of product s, service, m anagem ent , and worker support t hroughout Japan.
I n 1983 Ford Mot or Com pany hired Dr. Dem ing t o conduct a series of m anagem ent sem inars. One of
t he at t endees was Donald Pet ersen, who would lat er becom e chairm an of Ford and put Dem ing's
principles int o pract ice t hroughout t he com pany. Pet ersen decided, " We need t his m an t o t urn our
com pany around." At t he t im e. Ford was losing billions of dollars a year. Once Dem ing was brought in,
he changed t heir t radit ional West ern belief from , " How can we increase our v olum e and cut our cost s?"
t o " How can we increase t he qualit y of what we're doing, and do it in such a way t hat qualit y would not
cost m ore in t he long t erm ?" Ford reorganized it s ent ire focus t o m ake qualit y t he t op priorit y ( as
reflect ed in t heir advert ising slogan, "Qualit y is Job I " ) , and by im plem ent ing Dem ing's syst em s. Ford
wit hin t hree years m oved from a st aggering deficit t o t he dom inant indust ry posit ion wit h a $6 billion
profit !
How did t hey do it ? They found t hat Am ericans' per cept ion of Japanese qualit y, while frust rat ing, had
m uch t o t each t hem . For exam ple, Ford cont ract ed wit h a Japanese com pany t o m ake half t he
t ransm issions for one of t heir cars in order t o keep t he volum e up. I n t he process, t hey found t hat
Am erican consum ers were dem anding t he Japanese t ransm ission. I n fact , t hey were willing t o put t heir
nam es on a wait ing list , and even pay m ore m oney for t hem ! This upset m any of t he execut ive st aff at
Ford, whose first react ion was, " Well, it 's m erely a false belief on t he part of people in our cult ure;
t hey're condit ioned t o respond t his way." But under Dem ing's supervision t he t ransm issions were
t est ed, and t hey found t hat in fact t he Ford t ransm ission was m uch louder, broke down m uch m ore
oft en, and was ret urned m ore oft en t han t he Japanese t ransm ission, which had virt ually no t rouble, no
vibrat ion, and no sound. Dem ing t aught t he m em bers of t he For d t eam t hat qualit y always cost s less.
This was direct ly t he opposit e of what m ost people believed: t hat you could only achieve cert ain levels
of qualit y before cost s got out of hand. When t he ex pert s t ook t he Ford t ransm issions apart and
m easured all t he part s, t hey found t hat all of t hem m et t he st andards set fort h in t he Ford m anual, t he
sam e st andards t hat had been sent t o t he Japanese. But when t hey m easured t he Japanese
t ransm issions, t hey found virt ually no m easurable differences am ong any of t hem ! I n fact , t he
t ransm issions had t o be brought int o a laborat ory and m easured under a m icr oscope in order t o det ect
differences.
Why did t his Japanese com pany hold t hem selves t o a higher st andard of qualit y t han even t heir
cont ract required? They believed t hat qualit y cost s less, t hat if t hey creat ed a qualit y product t hey
would not j ust have sat isfied cust om er s but loyal cust om ers—cust om ers who would be willing t o wait
in line and pay m ore m oney for t heir product . They were operat ing from t he sam e core belief t hat
propelled t hem t o one of t he t op m arket posit ions in t he world: a com m it m ent t o never- ending
im provem ent and a const ant increase in t he qualit y of life for t heir cust om ers. Th is be lie f w a s a n
Am e r ica n e x por t —on e I be lie ve w e n e e d t o r e pa t r ia t e in or de r t o ch a n ge t h e dir e ct ion of ou r
e con om ic fu t u r e .
One t oxic belief t hat m ay be dest roying our econom ic st rengt h as a nat ion is what Dem ing calls
m anaging by t he visible num bers, t he convent ional corporat e belief t hat profit s are m ade by cut t ing
cost s and increasing revenues. A not able exam ple occurred when Lynn Townsend t ook charge of
Chrysler during an indust ry- wide sales slum p. Townsend im m ediat ely t ried t o increase revenues, but
m ore im port ant ly, he cut cost s. How? He fired t wo- t hirds of t he engineering st aff. I n t he short t erm , it
looked like he'd m ade t he right decision. Profit abilit y shot up, and he was dubbed a hero. But wit hin a
few years Chrysler was again in financial st rait s. What happened? Well, t here cert ainly wasn't any one
fact or. But in t he long t erm , t he decisions Townsend m ade m ay have been dest roying t he basis of
qualit y upon which t he com pany's success depended. Oft en t he very people who are inj uring our
com panies are rewarded because t hey produce r esult s in t he short t erm . Som et im es we t reat t he
sym pt om s of a problem while we nurt ure t he cause. We've got t o be careful how we int erpret result s.
By cont rast , one of t he m ost im port ant fact ors in t urning Ford Mot or Com pany around was t heir design
st aff, who cam e up wit h a new car called t he Taurus. The qualit y of t hat car set a new st andard for
Ford, and consum ers bought it in droves.
What can we learn from all t his? The beliefs t hat we hold in business and in life cont rol all of our
decisions, and t herefore our fut ure. One of t he m ost im port ant global beliefs t hat you and I can adopt
is a belief t hat in order t o succeed and be happy, we've got t o be const ant ly im proving t he qualit y of
our lives, const ant ly growing and expanding.
I n Japan, t hey underst and t his principle well. I n fact , in Japanese businesses, as a result of Dem ing's
influence, t here is a word t hat is used const ant ly in discussions about business or relat ionships. That
word is kaizen. This word lit erally m eans const ant im provem ent , and t he word is const ant ly used in
t heir language. They oft en speak of t he kaizen of t heir t rade deficit , t he kaizen of t he product ion line,
t he kaizen of t heir personal relat ionships. As a result , t hey're const ant ly looking at how t o im prove. By
t he way, kaizen is based upon t he principle of gradual im provem ent , sim ple im provem ent s. But t he
Japanese underst and t hat t iny refinem ent s m ade daily begin t o creat e com pounded enhancem ent s at a
level t hat m ost people would never dream of. The Japanese have a saying: "I f a m an has not been
seen for t hree days, his friends should t ake a good look at him , and see what changes hav e befallen
him ." Am azingly, but not surprisingly, we have no equivalent word for kaizen in English.
The m ore I began t o see t he im pact of kaizen in t he Japanese business cult ure, I realized t hat it was
an organizing principle t hat m ade a t rem endous im pact in m y own life. My own com m it m ent t o
const ant ly im prove, t o const ant ly raise m y own st andards for a qualit y life is what 's kept m e bot h
happy and successful. I realized t hat we all need a word t o anchor ourselves t o t he, focus of Const ant
and Never- ending I m provem ent . When we creat e a word, we encode m eaning and creat e a way of
t hinking. The words t hat we use consist ent ly m ake up t he fabric of how we t hink and even affect our
decision m aking.
As a result of t his underst anding, I creat ed a sim ple m nem onic: CAN I ! ( pronounced kuhn- EYE) , which
st ands for Const ant And Never- ending I m provem ent . I believe t hat t he level of success we experience
in life is in direct proport ion t o t he level of our com m it m ent t o CANI ! , t o const ant and nev er- ending
im provem ent . CANI ! is not a principle relat ed m erely t o business, but t o every aspect of our lives. I n
Japan, t hey oft en t alk of com pany- wide qualit y control. I believe we have t o focus on CANI ! in our
business, CANI ! in our personal relat ionships, CANI ! in our spirit ual connect ion, CANI ! in our healt h,
and CANI ! in our finances. How can we m ake const ant and never - ending im provem ent in each of t hese
areas? This m akes life an incredible advent ure in which we're always looking forward t o t he next level.
CANI ! is a t rue discipline. I t can't j ust be pract iced every once in a while, when you feel like it . I t m ust
be a con st a n t com m it m e n t ba ck e d u p by a ct ion . The essence of CANI ! is gradual, even m inut e,
cont inuous im provem ent t hat over t he long t erm sculpt s a m ast erpiece of colossal proport ions. I f
you've ever visit ed t he Grand Canyon, you know what I 'm t alking about . You've wit nessed t he aweinspiring beaut y produced by m illions of years of gradual change as t he Colorado River and num erous
t ribut aries have cont inually chiseled t he rock t o creat e one of t he Seven Nat ural Wonders of t he World.
Most people never feel secure because t hey are always worried t hat t hey will eit her lose t heir j ob, lose
t he m oney t hey already have, lose t heir spouse, lose t heir healt h, and so on. Th e on ly t r u e se cu r it y
in life com e s fr om k n ow in g t h a t e ve r y sin gle da y you a r e im pr ovin g you r se lf in som e w a y,
t hat you are increasing t he caliber of who you are and t hat you are valuable t o your com pany, your
friends, and your fam ily. I don 't w or r y a bou t m a in t a in in g t h e qu a lit y of m y life , be ca u se e ve r y
da y I w or k on im pr ovin g it . I const ant ly st rive t o learn and t o m ake new and m ore powerful
dist inct ions about ways t o add value t o ot her people's lives. This gives m e a sense of cert aint y t hat I
can always learn, t hat I can always expand, t hat I can always grow. CANI ! doesn't m ean you never
experience challenges. I n fact , you can only im prove som et hing if you realize t hat it 's not quit e right ,
t hat it 's not yet at t he level it should be. The purpose of CANI ! is t o discover problem s in t he m aking
and handle t hem before t hey becom e crises. Aft er all, t he best t im e t o kill a " m onst er" is while it 's st ill
lit t le. As an int egral part of m y personal com m it m ent t o CANI ! , at t he end of each day I ask m yself
t hese quest ions: What have I learned t oday? What did I cont ribut e or im prove? What did I enj oy? I f
every day you const ant ly im prove your abilit y t o enj oy your life, t hen you'll experience it at a level of
richness m ost people never even dream of.
SM ALL I M PROVEM EN TS ARE
BELI EVABLE AN D TH EREFORE
ACH I EV ABLE!
Pat Riley, form erly of t he Los Angeles Lakers organizat ion, is t he winningest coach in NBA hist ory.
Som e say he was fort unat e because he had such incredible players. I t 's t rue t hat he had incredible
players, but m any people have had t he resources t o succeed and have not done so consist ent ly. Pat 's
abilit y t o do t his has been based on his com m it m ent t o CANI ! I n fact , he said t hat at t he beginning of
t he 1986 season he had a m aj or challenge on his hands. Many of t he players had given what t hey
t hought was t heir best season in t he previous year but st ill had lost t o t he Bost on Celt ics. I n search of
a believable plan t o get t he players t o m ove t o t he next level, he decided upon t he t hem e of sm all
im provem ent s. He convinced t he player s t hat increasing t he qualit y of t heir gam e by a m ere 1 percent
over t heir personal best would m ake a m aj or difference in t heir season. This seem s ridiculously sm all,
but when you t hink about t welve players increasing by 1 percent t heir court skills in five areas, t he
com bined effort creat es a t eam t hat 's 60 percent m ore effect ive t han it was before. A 10 percent
overall difference would probably be enough t o win anot her cham pionship. The real value of t his
philosophy, however, is t hat everyone believed t hat it was achievable. Everyone felt cert ain t hat t hey
could im prove at least 1 percent over t heir personal best s in t he five m aj or areas of t he gam e, and
t hat sense of cert aint y in pursuit of t heir goals caused t hem t o t ap even gr eat er pot ent ials. The result ?
Most of t hem increased by at least 5 percent , and m any of t hem by as m uch as 50 per cent . According
t o Pat Riley, 1987 t urned out t o be t heir easiest season ever. CANI ! works if you com m it t o it .
Rem em ber, t he key t o success is developing a sense of cert aint y—t he kind of belief t hat allows you t o
expand as a person and t ake t he necessary act ion t o m ake your life and t he lives of t hose around you
even great er. You m ay believe som et hing is t rue t oday, but you and I need t o rem em ber t hat as t he
years go by and we grow, we'll be exposed t o new experiences. And we m ay develop even m ore
em powering beliefs, abandoning t hings we once felt cert ain about . Realize t hat your beliefs m ay
change as you gat her addit ional references. What really m at t ers now is whet her t he beliefs you have
t oday em pow er or disem power you. Begin t oday t o develop t he habit of focusing on t he consequences
of all your beliefs. Are t hey st rengt hening your foundat ion by m oving you t o act ion in t he direct ion you
desire, or are t hey holding you back?
" As he t hinket h in his heart , so is he."
—PROVERBS 23: 7
We've discovered so m uch about beliefs, but in order t o t ruly t ake cont rol of our lives, we've got t o
know what beliefs we're already using t o guide us. So right now, st op everyt hing else you're doing and
t ake t he next t en m inut es t o have som e fun. Be gin t o br a in st or m a ll t h e be lie fs you h a ve , bot h
t h ose t h a t e m pow e r you a n d dise m pow e r you : lit t le beliefs t hat don't seem t o m at t er at all and
global beliefs t hat seem t o m ake a big difference. Make sure you cover;
• I f- t h e n beliefs like, " I f I consist ent ly give m y all, t hen I will succeed," or " I f I 'm t ot ally passionat e
wit h t his person, t hen t hey'll leave m e
•
Globa l be lie fs, like beliefs about people—" People are basically good" or " People are a pain" —beliefs
about yourself, beliefs about opport unit y, beliefs about t im e, beliefs about scar cit y and abundance. Jot
down as m any of t hese as you can im agine for t he next t en m inut es. Please give yourself t he gift of
doing t his right now. When you're done, I 'll show you how you can st rengt hen your em powering beliefs
and elim inat e t he disem powering ones. Do it right now.
EMPOWERI NG BELI EFS:
DI SEMPOWERI NG BELI EFS:
Did you t ake enough t im e t o m ake sure you wrot e out bot h list s, bot h t he em powering beliefs and
disem powering beliefs? I f not , go back and do it now!
What have you learned by doing t his? Take a m om ent now t o review your beliefs. Decide upon and
cir cle t h e t h r e e m ost e m pow e r in g be lie fs on you r list . How do t hey em power you? How do t hey
st rengt henyour life? Think about t he posit ive processional effect s t hey have upon you. Years ago, I
m ade a list like t his, and I found it invaluable because I discovered t hat I had a belief t hat was
underem ployed. I t was t he belief " Th e r e 's a lw a ys a w a y t o t u r n t h in gs a r ou n d if I 'm
com m it t e d." When I read m y list , I t hought , " This is a belief t hat needs t o be st rengt hened and
t urned int o a convict ion." I 'm so glad I did because only about a year lat er t hat convict ion was a life
preserv er t hat pulled m e t hrough one of t he t oughest t im es, a t im e when everyt hing around m e
seem ed t o be sinking. Not only did it buoy m y spirit , but it also helped m e deal wit h one of t he m ost
difficult personal and business challenges I had yet faced. This one belief, t his sense of cert aint y,
enabled m e t o find ways t o t urn t hings around when everybody around m e said it couldn't be done. I
not only t urned t hings around, I t urned m y biggest challenges int o m y biggest opport unit ies—and so
can you! Review t his list and st rengt hen your em ot ional int ensit y and sense of cert aint y t hat t hese
beliefs are t rue and real so t hey can guide your fut ure behaviors.
Now let 's t ake a look at your lim it ing beliefs. As you review t hem , what are som e of t he consequences
t hat t hese beliefs carry wit h t hem ? Cir cle t h e t w o m ost dise m pow e r in g be lie fs. Decide right now,
once and for all, t hat you're no longer willing t o pay t he price t hat t hese beliefs are charging your life.
Rem em ber t hat if you begin t o doubt t he beliefs and quest ion t heir validit y, you can shake t heir
reference legs so t hey no longer im pact you. Knock t hose legs of cert aint y out from under your
disem powering beliefs by a sk in g you r se lf som e of t h e follow in g qu e st ion s:
1. How is t his belief ridiculous or absurd?
2. Was t he person I learned t his belief from wort h m odeling in t his area?
3. What will it ult im at ely cost m e em ot ionally if I don't let go of t his belief?
4. What will it ult im at ely cost m e in m y relat ionships if I don't let go of t his belief?
5. What will it ult im at ely cost m e physically if I don't let go of t his belief?
6. What will it ult im at ely cost m e financially if I don't let go of t his belief?
7. What will it cost m y fam ily/ loved ones if I don't let go of t his belief?
I f you've t aken t he t im e t o really answer t hese quest ions, you m ay find t hat your beliefs have been
significant ly weakened under t he scrut iny of t hese quest ions. Now becom e fully associat ed t o what
t hese beliefs have been cost ing you and t he real cost s in your fut ure if you do not change. Link such
int ense pain t hat you'll want t o rid yourself of t hem forever, and t hen, finally, decide t o do so now.
Finally, we can't get rid of a pat t ern wit hout replacing it wit h a new one. So right now, w r it e dow n
t h e r e pla ce m e n t s for t h e t w o lim it in g be lie fs you 've j u st e lim in a t e d. What is t heir ant it hesis?
For exam ple, if you had a belief t hat " I can never succeed because I 'm a wom an," your new belief
m ight be, " Because I 'm a wom an, I have resources available t o m e t hat no m an could ever dream of! "
What are som e of t he references you have t o back up t his idea so you begin t o feel cert ain about it ? As
you reinforce and st rengt hen t his belief, it will begin t o direct your behavior in an ent irely new and
m ore em pow ering way.
I f you're not get t ing t he r esult s you want in your life, I suggest you ask yourself, " What would I have
t o believe in order t o succeed here?" Or " Who is already succeeding in t his area, and what do t hey
believe different ly t han I do about what 's possible?" Or " What 's necessary t o believe in order t o
succeed?" You m ay very well discover t he key belief t hat 's been eluding you. I f you're experiencing
pain, if you feel challenged or frust rat ed or angry, you m ay want t o ask yourself, " What would I have
t o believe in order t o feel t he way I do?" The m iracle of t his sim ple process is t hat it will uncover
beliefs you aren't even aw are you have. For exam ple, if you're feeling depressed and ask y ourself,
" What would I have t o believe in order t o feel depressed?" you'll probably com e up wit h som et hing
t hat relat es t o t he fut ure, like, " Things will never get bet t er," or " There's no hope." When you hear
t hese beliefs verbalized, you m ight well t hink, " I don't believe t hat ! I feel bad right now, but I know it 's
not going t o be bad forev er. This, t oo, shall pass." Or you m ay j ust decide t hat a belief about having
problem s per m anent ly is t ot ally dest ruct ive and one you're not willing t o ever consider again.
While you're exam ining t hese lim it ing beliefs, not ice how your feelings change. Realize, believe, and
t rust t hat if you change t he m e a n in g of any event in your m ind, you will im m ediat ely change how you
feel and what you do, which will lead you t o change your act ions and t hus t ransform your dest iny.
Changing what som et hing m eans will change t he decisions you m ake. Rem em ber, n ot h in g in life h a s
a n y m e a n ing e x ce pt t h e m e a n in g you give it . So m ake sure t hat you con sciou sly choose t he
m eanings t hat are m ost in alignm ent wit h t he dest iny you've chosen for yourself.
Beliefs have t he awesom e pot ent ial t o creat e or dest roy. I believe you picked up t his book because
deep down you've decided you will not set t le for less t han t he best you know you're capable of. Do you
t ruly want t o harness t he power t o creat e t he vision you want rat her t han dest roy your dream s? Then
learn t o choose t he beliefs t hat em power you; creat e convict ions t hat drive you in t he direct ion of t he
dest iny t hat calls t o t he highest wit hin you. Your fam ily, your business, your com m unit y, and your
count ry deserve no less.
LEAD ERSH I P AN D TH E POW ER OF BELI EF
Leaders are t hose individuals who live by em powering beliefs and t each ot her s t o t ap t heir full
capabilit ies by shift ing t he beliefs t hat have been lim it ing t hem . One great leader who im presses m e is
a t eacher by t he nam e of Marva Collins. You m ay have seen t he 60 Minut es program or t he m ovie t hat
was m ade about her. Thirt y years ago, Marva ut ilized her personal power and decided t o t ouch t he
fut ure by m aking a real difference in t he lives of children. Her challenge: when she got t o her first
t eaching j ob in what m any considered t o be a ghet t o of Chicago, her second- grade st udent s had
already decided t hat t hey didn't want t o learn anyt hing. Yet Marva's m ission is t o t ouch t hese
children's lives. She doesn't have a m ere belief t hat she can im pact t hem ; she has a passionat e, deeproot ed convict ion t hat she will influence t hem for good. There was no lim it t o t he ext ent she would go.
Faced wit h children labelled as dyslexics and every ot her kind of learning or behavioural disorder, she
decided t hat t he problem was not t he children, but t he way t hey were being t aught . No one was
challenging t hem enough. As a result , t hese kids had no belief in t hem selves. They had no references
of ever being pushed t o br eak t hrough and find out who t hey really were or what t hey were capable of.
Hum an beings respond t o challenge, and t hese children, she believed, needed t hat m ore t han
anyt hing else. So she t hrew out all t he old books t hat read, " See Spot run," and inst ead t aught
Shakespeare, Sophocles, and Tolst oy. All t he ot her t eachers said t hings like, "There's no way it can
happen. Ther e's no way t hese kids can underst and t hat ." And as you m ight guess, m any of t hem at t acked Marva personally, saying t hat she was going t o dest roy t hese children's lives. But Marva's
st udent s not only underst ood t he m at erial, t hey t hrived on it . Why? Because she believed so fervent ly
27
in t he uniqueness of each child's spirit , and his or her abilit y t o learn anyt hing. She com m unicat ed
wit h so m uch congruency and love t hat she lit erally got t hem t o believe in t hem selves—som e of t hem
for t he first t im e in t heir young lives. The result s she has consist ent ly produced for decades have
been ext raor dinary.
I first m et Marva and int erviewed her at West side Preparat ory School, t he privat e school she founded
out side t he Chicago cit y school syst em . Aft er our m eet ing, I decided t o int erview som e of her st udent s.
The first young m an I m et was four years old, wit h a sm ile t hat would knock your socks off. I shook his
hand.
" Hi, I 'm Tony Robbins."
" Hello, Mr. Robbins, m y nam e is Talm adge E. Griffin. I am four years old. What would you like t o
know?! "
" Well, Talm adge, t ell m e, what are you st udying t hese days?"
" I 'm st udying a lot of t hings, Mr. Robbins."
" Well, what books have you read recent ly?"
" I j ust finished reading Of Mice and Men, by John St einbeck."
Needless t o say, I was pret t y im pressed. I asked him what t he book was about , figuring he'd say
som et hing like it was about t wo guys nam ed Geor ge and Lenny.
He said, " Well, t he m ain prot agonist is ..."
By t his t im e I was a believer! Then I asked him what he had learned from t he book.
" Mr. Robbins, I m ore t han learned from t his book. This book perm eat ed 28 m y soul."
I st art ed t o laugh, and asked, " What does 'perm eat e' m ean?"
" To diffuse t hrough," he said, t hen gave m e a fuller definit ion t han I could give you.
" What t ouched you so m uch in t his book, Talm adge?"
" Mr. Robbins, I not iced in t he st ory t hat t he children never j udge anyone else by t he colour of t heir
skin. Only t he adult s did t hat . What I learned from t his is t hat alt hough I will som eday becom e an
adult , I 'll never forget t he lessons of a child." I st art ed t o get t eary- eyed because I saw t hat Marva
Collins was providing t his young m an and so m any ot hers like him wit h t he kinds of power ful beliefs
t hat will cont inue t o shape his decisions not only t oday, but t hroughout his life. Marva increases her
st udent s' qualit y of life by using t he t hree organizing principles I t alked about in t he beginning of
t his book: she get s t hem t o hold t hem selves t o a higher st andar d, she assist s t hem in adopt ing new,
em powering beliefs t hat enable t hem t o break t hrough t heir old lim it at ions, and she backs all t his up
wit h specific skills and st rat egies necessary for lifelong success. The result s? Her st udent s becom e not
only confident , but com pet ent . The im m ediat e result s in t erm s of t heir academ ic excellence are
st riking, and t he processional effect s generat ed in t heir everyday lives are profound. Finally I asked
Talm adge, " What 's t he m ost im port ant t hing t hat Mrs. Collins has t aught you?"
" The m ost im port ant t hing Mrs. Collins has t aught m e is t hat SOCI ETY MAY PREDI CT, BUT ONLY I WI LL
DETERMI NE MY DESTI NY! "
27
28
fe r ve n t glühend, leidenschaft lich
pe r m e a t e durchdringen; dr ingen ( int o in Akkusat iv; t hrough dur ch)
Maybe we all need t o rem em ber t he lessons of a child. Wit h t he beliefs young Talm adge ex pressed so
beaut ifully, I guarant ee t hat he, as well as t he ot her children in t he class, will have a great opport unit y
t o cont inuously int erpret t heir lives in a way t hat will creat e t he fut ure t hey desire, rat her t han t he one
t hat m ost people fear. Let 's review what we've learned so far. We're clear t hat t here's a power inside
us t hat needs t o be awakened. That power st art s wit h t he capabilit y t o m ake conscious decisions t hat
shape our dest iny. But t here is one core belief t hat we m ust explore and resolve, and t his belief can be
found in your answer t o t he quest ion . . .
5
CAN CHANGE HAPPEN I N AN I NSTANT?
" Behold, I show you a m yst ery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a m om ent , in
t he t winkling of an eye ..."
CORI NTHI ANS 15: 51
For as long as I can rem em ber, I 've always dream ed of having t he abilit y t o help people change
virt ually anyt hing in t heir lives. I nst inct ively, at an early age, I realized t hat t o be able t o help ot hers
change, I had t o be able t o change m yself. Even in j unior high school, I began t o pursue knowledge
t hrough book s and t apes t hat I t hought could t each m e t he fundam ent als of how t o shift hum an
behaviour and em ot ion. Of course I want ed t o im prove cert ain aspect s of m y own life: get m yself
m ot ivat ed, get m yself t o follow t hrough and t ake act ion, learn how t o enj oy life, and leam how t o
connect and bond wit h people. I 'm not sure why, but som ehow I linked pleasure t o learning and
sharing t hings t hat could m ake a difference in t he qualit y of people's lives and lead t hem t o appreciat e
and m aybe even love m e. As a result , by t he t im e I was in high school, I was known as t he " Solut ions
Man." I f you had a problem , I was t he guy t o see, and I t ook great pride in t his ident it y. The m ore I
learned, t he m ore addict ed I becam e t o learning even m ore. Underst anding how t o influence hum an
em ot ion and behaviour becam e an obsession for m e. I t ook a speed- reading class and dev eloped a
voracious appet it e for books. I read close t o 700 books in j ust a few years, alm ost all of t hem in t he
areas of hum an developm ent , psychology, influence, and physiological developm ent . I want ed t o
know anyt hing and everyt hing t here was t o know about how we can increase t he qualit y of our lives,
and t ried t o im m ediat ely apply it t o m yself as well as share it wit h ot her people. But I didn't st op wit h
books. I becam e a fanat ic for m ot ivat ional t apes and, while st ill in high school, saved m y m oney t o go
t o different t ypes of personal developm ent sem inars. As you can im agine, it didn't t ake long for m e t o
feel like I was hearing not hing but t he sam e m essages reworked over and over again. There appeared
t o be not hing new, and I becam e a bit j aded. Just aft er m y t went y- first birt hday, t hough, I was
exposed t o a series of t echnologies t hat could m ake changes in people's lives w it h light ning- like speed:
sim ple t echnologies like Gest alt t herapy, and t ools of influence like Ericksonian hypnosis and NeuroLinguist ic Program m ing. When I saw t hat t hese t ools could really help people creat e changes in
m inut es t hat previously t ook m ont hs, years, or decades t o achieve, I becam e an evangelist in m y
approach t o t hem . I decided t o com m it all of m y resources t o m ast ering t hese t echnologies. And I
didn't st op t here: as soon as I learned som et hing, I applied it im m ediat ely. I 'll never forget m y first
week of t raining in Neuro- Linguist ic Program m ing. We learned t hings like how t o elim inat e a lifet im e
phobia in less t han an hour—som et hing t hat t hrough m any form s of t radit ional t herapy could t ake as
m uch as five years or m ore! On t he fift h day, I t urned t o t he psychologist s and psychiat rist s in t he
class and said, " Hey, guys, let 's find som e phobics and cure t hem ! " They all looked at m e like I was
crazy. They m ade it very clear t o m e t hat I obviously wasn't an educat ed m an, t hat we had t o wait
unt il t he six- m ont h cert ificat ion program was com plet ed, go t hrough a t est ing procedur e, and if we
were successful, only t hen would we be ready t o use t his m at erial! I wasn't willing t o wait . So I
launched m y career by appearing on radio and t elevision program s t hroughout Canada and event ually
t he Unit ed St at es as well. I n each of t hese, I t alked t o people about t hese t echnologies for creat ing
change and m ade it clear t hat if we want ed t o change our lives, whet her it was a disem powering habit
or a phobia t hat had been cont rolling us for years, t hat behaviour or t hat em ot ional pat t ern
could be changed in a m at t er of m inut es, even t hough t hey m ight have t ried t o change it for years
previously. Was t his a radical concept ? You bet . But I passionat ely argued t hat all changes are creat ed
in a m om ent . I t 's j ust t hat m ost of us wait unt il cert ain t hings happen before we finally decide t o m ake
a shift . I f we t ruly underst ood how t he brain worked, I argued, we could st op t he endless process of
analyzing why t hings had happened t o us, and if we could j ust sim ply change what we linked pain and
pleasure t o, we could j ust as easily change t he way our nervous syst em s had been condit ioned and
t ake charge of our lives im m ediat ely. As you can im agine, a young kid wit h no Ph.D. who was m aking
t hese cont roversial claim s on t he radio didn't go over very well wit h som e t radit ionally t rained m ent alhealt h professionals. A few psychiat rist s and psychologist s at t acked m e, som e on t he air.
So I learned t o build m y career in changing people on t wo principles:
t echnology and challenge. I knew I had a superior t echnology, a superior way of creat ing change
based on crucial underst andings of hum an behaviour t hat m ost t radit ional psychologist s were not
t rained in. And I believed t hat if I challenged m yself and t he people I worked wit h enough, I could find
a way t o t urn virt ually anyt hing around. One part icular psychiat rist called m e a charlat an and a liar and
charged t hat I was m aking false claim s. I challenged t his psychiat rist t o suspend his pessim ism and
give m e an opport unit y t o work wit h one of his pat ient s, som eone he hadn't been able t o change aft er
working wit h her for years. I t was a bold m ove, and at first he did not com ply wit h m y request . But
aft er ut ilizing a lit t le leverage ( a t echnique I 'll cover in t he next chapt er) , I finally got t he psychiat rist
t o let a pat ient com e on her own t o one of m y free guest event s and allow m e, in front of t he room , t o
work wit h her. I n fift een m inut es I wiped out t he wom an's phobia of snakes—at t he t im e she'd been
t reat ed for over seven years by t he psychiat rist who at t acked m e. To say t he least , he was am azed.
But m ore im port ant ly, can you im agine t he references t his creat ed for m e and t he sense of cert aint y it
gave m e about what I could accom plish? I becam e a wild m an! I st orm ed across t he count r y
dem onst rat ing t o people how quickly change could occur. I found t hat no m at t er where I went , people
were init ially scept ical. But , as I was able t o dem onst rat e m easurable result s before t heir eyes, I was
able t o get not only t heir at t ent ion and int erest but also t heir willingness t o apply what I 'd t alked about
t o produce m easurable result s in t heir own lives.
Why is it t hat m ost people t hink change t akes so long? One reason, obviously, is t hat m ost people
have t ried again and again t hrough willpower t o m ake changes, and failed. The assum pt ion t hat t hey
t hen m ake is t hat im port ant changes m ust t ake a long t im e and be very difficult t o m ake. I n realit y,
it 's only difficult because m ost of us don't know how t o change! We don't have an effect ive st rat egy.
Willpower by it self is not enough—not if we want t o achieve last ing change.
The second reason we don't change quickly is t hat in our cult ure, we have a set of beliefs t hat prevent s
us from being able t o ut ilize our own inherent abilit ies. Cult urally, we link negat ive associat ions t o t he
idea of inst ant change. For m ost , inst ant change m eans you never really had a problem at all. I f you
can change t hat easily, why didn't you change a week ago, a m ont h ago, a year ago, and st op
com plaining?
For exam ple, how quickly could a person recover from t he loss of a loved one and begin t o feel
different ly? Physically, t hey have t he capabilit y t o do it t he next m orning. But t hey don't . Why?
Because we have a set of beliefs in our cult ure t hat we need t o grieve for a cert ain period of t im e. How
long do we have t o grieve? I t all depends upon your own condit ioning. Think about t his. I f t he next day
aft er you lost a loved one, you didn't grieve, wouldn't t hat cause a great deal of pain in your life? First ,
people would im m ediat ely believe you didn't care about t he loved one you lost . And, based on cult ural
condit ioning, you m ight begin t o believe t hat you didn't care, eit her. The concept of overcom ing deat h
t his easily is j ust t oo painful. We choose t he pain of grieving rat her t han changing our em ot ions unt il
we're sat isfied t hat our rules and cult ural st andards about what 's appropriat e have been m et . There
are, in fact , cult ures where people celebrat e when som eone dies! Why? They believe t hat God always
knows t he right t im e for us t o leave t he eart h, and t hat deat h is graduat ion. They also believe t hat if
you were t o grieve about som eone's deat h, you would be indicat ing not hing but your own lack of
underst anding of life, and you would be dem onst rat ing your own selfishness. Since t his person has
gone on t o a bet t er place, you're feeling sorry for no one but yourself. They link pleasure t o deat h, and
pain t o grieving, so grief is not a part of t heir culture. I 'm not saying t hat grief is bad or wrong. I 'm
j ust saying t hat we need t o realize it 's based upon our beliefs t hat pain t akes a long t im e t o recover
from . As I spoke from coast t o coast , I kept encouraging people t o m ake life- changing shift s, oft en in
t hirt y m inut es or less. There was no doubt I creat ed cont roversy, and t he m ore successes I had, t he
m ore assured and int ense I becam e as well. To t ell t he t rut h, I was occasionally confront at ional and
m ore t han a lit t le cocky. I st art ed out doing privat e t herapy, helping people t urn t hings around, and
t hen began t o do sem inars. Wit hin a few short years, I was t ravelling on t he road t hree w eeks out of
four, const ant ly pushing m yself and giving m y all as I worked t o ext end m y abilit y t o posit ively im pact
t he largest num ber of people I could in t he short est period of t im e. The result s I produced becam e
som ewhat legendary. Event ually t he psychiat rist s and psychologist s st opped at t acking and act ually
becam e int erest ed in learning m y t echniques for use wit h t heir own pat ient s. At t he sam e t im e, m y
at t it udes changed and I becam e m ore balanced. But I never lost m y passion for want ing t o help as
m any people as I could. One day about four and a half years ago, not long aft er Unlim it ed Power was
first published, I was signing books aft er giving one of m y business sem inars in San Francisco. All t he
while I was reflect ing on t he incredible rewards t hat had com e from following t hrough on t he
com m it m ent s I had m ade t o m yself while st ill in high school: t he com m it m ent s t o grow, expand,
cont ribut e, and t hereby m ake a difference. I realized as each sm iling face cam e forward how deeply
grat eful I was t o have dev eloped skills t hat can m ake a difference in helping people t o change virt ually
anyt hing in t heir lives.
As t he last group of people finally began t o disperse, one m an approached m e and asked, " Do you
recognize m e?" Having seen lit erally t housands of people in t hat m ont h alone, I had t o adm it t hat I
didn't . He said, " Think about it for a second." Aft er looking at him for a few m om ent s, suddenly it
clicked. I said, " New York Cit y, right ?" He said, " That 's t rue." I said, " I did som e privat e work wit h you
in helping you t o wipe out your sm oking habit ." He nodded again. I said, " Wow, t hat was years ago!
How are you doing?" He reached in his pocket , pulled out a pack age of Marlboros, point ed at m e wit h
an accusing look on his face and said, " You failed! " Then he launched int o a t irade about m y inabilit y
t o " program " him effect ively. I have t o adm it I was rat t led! Aft er all, I had built m y career on m y
absolut e willingness t o put m yself on t he line, on m y t ot al com m it m ent t o challenging m yself and ot her
people, on m y dedicat ion t o t rying anyt hing in order t o creat e last ing and effect ive change wit h
light ning- like speed. As t his m an cont inued t o ber at e m y ineffect iveness in " curing" his sm oking habit ,
I wondered what could have gone wrong. Could it be t hat m y ego had out grown m y t rue level of
capabilit y and skill? Gradually I began t o ask m yself bet t er quest ions: What could I learn from t his
sit uat ion? What was really going on here? " What happened aft er we worked t oget her?" I asked him ,
expect ing t o hear t hat he had resum ed sm oking a week or so aft er t he t herapy. I t t urned out t hat he'd
st opped sm oking for t wo and a half years, aft er I 'd worked wit h him for less t han an hour! But one day
he t ook a puff, and now he was back t o his four- pack- a- day habit , plainly blam ing m e because t he
change had not endured. Then it hit m e: t his m an was not being com plet ely unreasonable. Aft er all, I
had been t eaching som et hing called Neuro- Linguist ic Program m ing. Think about t he word
" program m ing." I t suggest s t hat you could com e t o m e, I would program you, and t hen everyt hing
would be fine. You wouldn't have t o do anyt hing! Out of m y desire t o help people at t he deepest level,
I 'd m ade t he very m ist ake t hat I saw ot her leaders in t he personal developm ent indust ry m ake: I had
begun t o t ak e responsibilit y for ot her people's changes.
That day, I realized I had inadvert ent ly placed t he r esponsibilit y wit h t he wrong person—m e—and t hat
t his m an, or any one of t he ot her t housands of people I 'd worked wit h, could easily go back t o t heir old
behaviours if t hey ran int o a difficult enough challenge because t hey saw m e as t he person responsible
for t heir change. I f t hings didn't work out , t hey could j ust convenient ly blam e som ebody else. They
had no personal responsibilit y, and t herefore, no pain if t hey didn't follow t hrough on t he new behavior.
As a result of t his new perspect ive, I decided t o change t he m et aphor for what I do. I st opped using
t he word " pr ogram m ing" because while I cont inue t o use m any NLP t echniques, I believe it 's
inaccurat e. A bet t er m et aphor for long- t erm change is condit ioning. This was solidified for m e when, a
few days lat er, m y wife brought in a piano t uner for our new baby grand. This m an was a t rue
craft sm an. He worked on every st ring in t hat piano for lit erally hours and hours, st ret ching each one t o
j ust t he right level of t ension t o creat e t he perfect vibrat ion. At t he end of t he day, t he piano played
m agnificent ly. When I asked him how m uch I owed, he said, "Don't worry, I 'll drop off a bill on m y
next visit ." My response w as, " Next visit ? What do you m ean?" He said, " I 'll be back t om or row, and
t hen I 'll com e back once a week for t he next m ont h. Then I 'll ret urn every t hree m ont hs for t he rest of
t he year, only because you live by t he ocean." I said, " What are you t alking about ? Didn't you already
m ake all t he adj ust m ent s on t he piano? I sn't it set up properly?" He said, " Yes, but t hese st rings are
st rong; t o keep t hem at t he perfect level of t ension, we've got t o condit ion t hem t o st ay at t his level.
I 've got t o com e back and re- t ight en t hem on a regular basis unt il t he wire is t rained t o st ay at t his
level." I t hought , " What a business t his guy has! " But I also got a great lesson t hat day. This is exact ly
what we have t o do if we're going t o succeed in creat ing long- t erm change. Once we effect a change,
we should reinforce it im m ediat ely. Then, we have t o condit ion our nervous syst em s t o succeed not
j ust once, but consist ent ly. You wouldn't go t o an aerobics class j ust one t im e and say, " Okay, now
I 've got a gr eat body and I 'll be healt hy for life! " The sam e is t rue of your em ot ions and behaviour.
We've got t o condit ion ourselves for success, for love, for breaking t hrough our fears. And t hrough t hat
condit ioning, we can develop pat t erns t hat aut om at ically lead us t o consist ent , lifelong success.
We need t o rem em ber t hat pain and pleasure shape all our behaviours, and t hat pain and pleasure can
change our behaviours. Condit ioning requires t hat we underst and how t o use pain and pleasure. What
you're going t o learn in t he next chapt er is t he science t hat I 've developed t o creat e any change you
want in your life. I call it t he Science of Neuro- Associat ive Condit ioning™, or NAC. What is it ? NAC is a
st ep- by- st ep process t hat can condit ion your nervous syst em t o associat e pleasure t o t hose t hings you
want t o cont inuously m ove t oward and pain t o t hose t hings you need t o avoid in order t o succeed
consist ent ly in your life wit hout const ant effort or willpower. Rem em ber, it 's t he feelings t hat we've
been condit ioned t o associat e in our nervous syst em s—our neuro- associat ions—t hat det er m ine our
em ot ions and our behaviour.
When we t ake cont rol of our neuro- associat ions, we t ake cont rol of our lives. This chapt er will show
you how t o condit ion your neuro- associat ions so t hat you are em powered t o t ake act ion and produce
t he result s you've always dream ed of. I t 's designed t o give you t he kNACk of creat ing consist ent and
last ing change.
" Things do not change; w e change."
HENRY DAVI D THOREAU
What are t he t wo changes everyone want s in life? I sn't it t rue t hat we all want t o change eit her 1) how
we feel about t hings or 2) our behaviours? I f a person has been t hrough a t ragedy—t hey were abused
as a child, t hey were raped, lost a loved one, are lacking in self- est eem —t his person clearly will rem ain
in pain unt il t he sensat ions t hey link t o t hem selves, t hese event s, or sit uat ions are changed. Likewise,
if a person overeat s, drinks, sm okes, or t akes drugs, t hey have a set of behaviours t hat m ust change.
The only way t his can happen is by linking pain t o t he old behaviour and pleasure t o a new behaviour.
This sounds so sim ple, but what I 've found is t hat in order for us t o be able t o creat e t rue change—
change t hat last s—we need t o develop a specific syst em for ut ilizing any t echniques you and I learn t o
creat e change, and t here are m any. Every day I 'm picking up new skills and new t echnologies from a
variet y of sciences. I cont inue t o use m any of t he NLP and Ericksonian t echniques t hat I began m y
career wit h; som e of t hem are t he finest available. Yet I always com e back t o ut ilizing t hem wit hin t he
fram ework of t he sam e six fundam ent al st eps t hat t he science of NAC represent s. I creat ed NAC as a
way t o use any t echnology for change. What NAC really provides is a specific synt ax—an order and
sequence—of ways t o use any set of skills t o creat e long- t erm change.
I 'm sure you recall t hat in t he first chapt er I said t hat one of t he key com ponent s of creat ing long- t erm
change is a shift in beliefs. The first belief we m ust have if we're going t o creat e change quickly is t hat
we can change now. Again, m ost people in our societ y have unconsciously linked a lot of pain t o t he
idea of being able t o change quickly. On one hand, we desire t o change quickly, and on t he ot her, our
cult ural program m ing t eaches us t hat t o change quickly m eans t hat m aybe we never even had a
problem at all. Maybe we were j ust faking it or being lazy. We m ust adopt t he belief t hat we can
change in a m om ent . Aft er all, if you can creat e a problem in a m om ent , you should be able t o creat e
a solut ion, t oo! You and I bot h know t hat when people finally do change, t hey do it in a m om ent , don't
t hey? There's an inst ant when t he change occurs. Why not m ake t hat inst ant now? Usually it 's t he
get t ing ready t o change t hat t akes people t im e. We've all heard t he j oke:
Q: How m any psychiat rist s does it t ake t o change a light bulb?
A: j ust one ... but it 's very expensive, it t akes a long t im e, and t he light bulb has t o want t o change.
Garbage! You and I have t o get ourselves ready t o change. You and I have t o becom e our own
counsellors and m ast er our own lives. The second belief t hat you and I m ust have if we're going t o
creat e long- t erm change is t hat we're r esponsible for our own change, not anyone else. I n fact , t here
are t hree specific beliefs about responsibilit y t hat a person m ust have if t hey're going t o creat e longt erm change:
1) First , we m ust believe, " Som et hing m ust change" —not t hat it should change, not t hat it could or
ought t o, but t hat it absolut ely m ust . So oft en I hear people say, " This weight should com e off,"
" Procrast inat ing is a lousy habit ," " My relat ionships should be bet t er." But you know, we can " should"
all over ourselves, and our life st ill won't change! I t 's only when som et hing becom es a m ust t hat we
begin t he process of t ruly doing what 's necessary t o shift t he qualit y of our lives.
2) Second, we m ust not only believe t hat t hings m ust change, but we m ust believe, " I m ust change
it ." We m ust see ourselves as t he source of t he change. Ot herwise, we'll always be looking for
som eone else t o m ake t he changes for us, and we'll always have som eone else t o blam e when it
doesn't work out . We m ust be t he source of our change if our change is going t o last .
3) Third, we have t o believe, " I can change it ." Wit hout believing t hat it 's possible for us t o change, as
we've already discussed in t he last chapt er, we st and no chance of carrying t hrough on our desires.
Wit hout t hese t hree core beliefs, I can assure you t hat any change you m ake st ands a good chance of
being only t em porary. Please don't m isunderst and m e—it 's always sm art t o get a great coach ( an
expert , a t herapist , a counsellor, som eone who's already produced t hese result s for m any ot her people)
t o support you in t aking t he proper st eps t o conquer your phobia or quit sm oking or lose weight . But in
t he end, you have t o be t he source of your change.
The int eract ion I had wit h t he relapsed sm oker t hat day t riggered m e t o ask new quest ions of m yself
about t he sources of change. Why was I so effect ive t hroughout t he years? What had set m e apart
from ot hers who'd t ried t o help t hese sam e people who had equal int ent ion but were unable t o produce
t he result ? And when I 'd t ried t o creat e a change in som eone and failed, what had happened t hen?
What had pr event ed m e from producing t he change t hat I was really com m it t ed t o helping t his
person m ake? Then I began t o ask larger quest ions, like " What really m akes change happen in any
form of t herapy?" All t herapies work som e of t he t im e, and all form s of t herapy fail t o work at ot her
t im es. I also began t o not ice t wo ot her int erest ing t hings: som e people went t o t herapist s I didn't t hink
were part icularly skilled, and st ill m anaged t o m ake t heir desired change in a very short period of t im e
in spit e of t he t herapist . I also saw ot her people who went t o t herapist s I considered excellent , yet
were not helped t o produce t he result s t hey want ed in t he short t erm . Aft er a few years of wit nessing
t housands of t ransform at ions and looking for t he com m on denom inat or, finally it hit m e: we can
analyze our problem s for years, but not hing changes unt il we change t he sensat ions we link t o an
experience in our nervous syst em , and we have t he capacit y t o do t his quickly and powerfully if we
underst and . . .
TH E POW ER OF YOUR BRAI N
What a m agnificent gift we were born wit h! I 've learned t hat our brains can help us accom plish
virt ually anyt hing we desire. The brain's capacit y is nearly unfat hom able29 . Most of us know lit t le about
how it works, so let 's briefly focus upon t his unparalleled 30 vessel of power and how we can condit ion it
t o consist ent ly produce t he result s we want in our lives. Realize t hat your brain eagerly 31 await s your
every com m and, ready t o carry out anyt hing you ask of it . All it requires is a sm all am ount of fuel: t he
oxygen in your blood and a lit t le glucose. I n t erm s of it s int ricacy and power, t he brain defies even our
great est m odem com put er t echnology. I t is capable of processing up t o 30 billion bit s of inform at ion
per second and it boast s t he equivalent of 6,000 m iles of wiring and cabling. Typically t he hum an
nervous syst em cont ains about 28 billion neurons ( nerve cells designed t o conduct im pulses) . Wit hout
neurons, our nervous syst em s would be unable t o int erpret t he inform at ion we receive t hrough our
sense organs, unable t o convey it t o t he brain and unable t o carry out inst ruct ions from t he brain as t o
what t o do. Each of t hese neurons is a t iny, self- cont ained com put er capable of processing about
one m illion bit s of inform at ion. These neurons act independent ly, but t hey also com m unicat e wit h
ot her neurons t hrough an am azing net work of 100,000 m iles of nerve fibres. The power of your brain
t o process inform at ion is st aggering 32 , especially when you consider t hat a com put er—even t he fast est
com put er—can m ake connect ions only one at a t im e. By cont rast , a react ion in one neuron can spread
t o hundreds of t housands of ot hers in a span of less t han 20 m illiseconds. To give you perspect ive,
t hat 's about t en t im es less t han it t akes for your eye t o blink. A neuron t akes a m illion t im es longer t o
send a signal t han a t ypical com put er swit ch, yet t he brain can recognize a fam iliar face in less t han a
second—a feat beyond t he abilit y of t he m ost powerful com put ers. The brain achieves t his speed
because, unlike t he st ep- by- st ep com put er, it s billions of neurons can all at t ack a problem
sim ult aneously. So wit h all t his im m ense power at our disposal, why can't we get ourselves t o feel
happy consist ent ly? Why can't we change a behaviour like sm oking or drinking, overeat ing or
procrast inat ing? Why can't we im m ediat ely shake off depression, break t hrough our frust rat ion, and
feel j oyous every day of our lives? We can! Each of us has at our disposal t he m ost incredible
com put er on t he planet , but unfort unat ely no one gave us an owner's m anual. Most of us have no idea
how our brains really work, so we at t em pt t o t hink our way int o a change when, in realit y, our
behaviour is root ed in our nervous syst em s in t he form of physical connect ions—neural connect ions—
or what I call neuro- associat ions.
29
fa t h om SCHI FFFAHRT Faden; lot en; ergründen
u n pa r a lle le d einm alig, beispiellos
31
e a ge r begier ig; eifrig
30
N EURO- SCI EN CE: YOUR TI CKET TO LASTI N G CH AN GE
Great br eakt hroughs in our abilit y t o underst and t he hum an m ind are now available because of a
m arriage bet ween t wo widely different fields: neuro- biology ( t he st udy of how t he brain works) and
com put er science. The int egrat ion of t hese sciences has creat ed t he discipline of neuroscience. Neuro- scient ist s st udy how neuro- associat ions occur and have discovered t hat neurons are
const ant ly sending elect ro- chem ical m essages back and fort h across neural pat hways, not unlike t raffic
on a busy t horoughfare. This com m unicat ion is happening all at once, each idea or m em or y m oving
along it s own pat h while lit erally billions of ot her im pulses are t ravelling in individual direct ions. This
arrangem ent enables us t o hopscot ch m ent ally from m em ories of t he pine sm ell of an evergreen
forest aft er a rain, t o t he haunt ing m elody of a favourit e Broadway m usical, t o painst akingly det ailed
plans of an evening wit h a loved one, t o t he exquisit e size and t ext ure of a newborn baby's t hum b.
Not only does t his com plex syst em allow us t o enj oy t he beaut y of our world, it also helps us t o
survive in it . Each t im e we experience a significant am ount of pain or pleasure, our brains search for
t he cause and record it in our nervous syst em s t o enable us t o m ake bet t er decisions about what t o do
in t he fut ure. For exam ple, wit hout a neuro- associat ion in your brain t o rem ind you t hat st icking your
hand int o an open flam e would bum you, you could conceivably m ake t his m ist ake again and again
unt il your hand is severely burned. Thus, neuro- associat ions quickly provide our brains wit h t he signals
t hat help us t o re- access our m em ories and safely m anoeuvre us t hrough our lives.
" To t he dull m ind all nat ure is leaden. To t he illum ined m ind t he whole world burns and sparkles wit h
light ."
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
When we do som et hing for t he first t im e, we creat e a physical connect ion, a t hin neural st rand t hat
allows us t o re- access t hat em ot ion or behaviour again in t he fut ure. Think of it t his way; each t im e we
repeat t he behaviour, t he connect ion st rengt hens. We add anot her st rand t o our neural connect ion.
Wit h enough repet it ions and em ot ional int ensit y, we can add m any st rands33 sim ult aneously,
increasing t he t ensile st rengt h of t his em ot ional or behavioural pat t ern unt il event ually we have a
" t runk line" t o t his behaviour or feeling. This is when we find ourselves com pelled t o feel t hese feelings
or behave in t his way consist ent ly. I n ot her words, t his connect ion becom es what I 've already labelled
a neural " super- highway" t hat will t ake us down an aut om at ic and consist ent rout e of behaviour.
This neuro- associat ion is a biological realit y—it 's physical. Again, t his is why t hinking our way int o a
change is usually ineffect ive; our neuro- associat ions are a survival t ool and t hey are secured in our
nervous syst em s as physical connect ions rat her t han as int angible " m em ories." Michael Merzenich of
t he Universit y of California, San Francisco, has scient ifically proven t hat t he m ore we indulge in any
32
st a gge r ( sch) wank en, t aum eln, t ork eln; j em anden sprachlos m achen, um w erfen; Arbeit szeit und so weit er
st affeln; ( Sch) Wanken, Taum eln
33
st r a n d St rang; Faden; ( Kabel) Draht ; ( Haar) St rähne; ! ! nicht St rand
pat t ern of behaviour, t he st ronger t hat pat t ern becom es. Merzenich m apped t he specific areas in a
m onkey's brain t hat were act ivat ed when a cert ain finger in t he m onkey's hand was t ouched. He t hen
t rained one m onkey t o use t his finger predom inant ly 34 in order t o earn it s food. When Merzenich
rem apped t he t ouch- act ivat ed areas in t he m onkey's brain, he found t hat t he area responding t o t he
signals from t hat finger's addit ional use had expanded in size nearly 600 per cent ! Now t he m onkey
cont inued t he behaviour even when he was no longer rewarded because t he neural pat hway was so
st rongly est ablished. An illust rat ion of t his in hum an behaviour m ight be t hat of a person who no
longer enj oys sm oking but st ill feels a com pulsion t o do so. Why would t his be t he case? This person is
physically " wired" t o sm oke. This explains why you m ay have found it difficult t o creat e a change in
your em ot ional pat t erns or behaviours in t he past . You didn't m erely " have a habit " —you had creat ed a
net work of st rong neuro- associat ions wit hin your nervous syst em .
We unconsciously develop t hese neur o- associat ions by allowing our- selves t o indulge35 in em ot ions or
behaviours on a consist ent basis. Each t im e you indulge in t he em ot ion of anger or t he behaviour of
yelling at a loved one, you reinforce t he neural connect ion and increase t he likelihood t hat you'll do it
again. The good news is t his: research has also shown t hat when t he m onkey was forced t o st op using
t his finger, t he area of t he brain where t hese neural connect ions were m ade act ually began t o shrink in
size, and t herefore t he neuro- associat ion weakened. This is good news for t hose who want t o change
t heir habit s! I f you'll j ust st op indulging in a part icular behaviour or em ot ion long enough, if you j ust
int errupt your pat t ern of using t he old pat hway for a long enough period of t im e, t he neural connect ion
will weaken and at rophy. Thus t he disem powering em ot ional pat t ern or behaviour disappears wit h it .
We should rem em ber t his also m eans t hat if you don't use your passion it 's going t o dwindle36 .
Rem em ber: courage, unused, dim inishes37 . Com m it m ent , unexercised, wanes38 . Love, unshared,
dissipat es39 .
" I t is not enough t o have a good m ind; t he m ain t hing is t o use it well."
RENE DESCARTES
What t he science of Neur o- Associat ive Condit ioning offers is six st eps t hat ar e specifically designed t o
change behavior by breaking pat t erns t hat disem power you. But first , we m ust underst and how t he
brain m akes a neuro- associat ion in t he first place. Any t im e you experience significant am ount s of pain
or pleasure, your brain im m ediat ely searches for t he cause. I t uses t he following t hree crit eria.
1. Your brain looks for som et hing t hat appear s t o be unique. To narrow down t he likely causes, t he
brain t ries t o dist inguish som et hing t hat is unusual t o t he circum st ance. I t seem s logical t hat if you're
having unusual feelings, t here m ust be an unusual cause.
34
pr e dom in a n t ( vor) herrschend, überwiegend
indulge nachsicht ig sein gegen; einer Neigung und so w eit er nachgeben; in du lge in som e t h in g sich et w as
gönnen oder leist en
36
dw in dle ( dahin) schw inden, abnehm en
37
dim in ish ( sich) ver m inder n oder verringer n
38
w a n e 1. abnehm en ( Mond) ; schwinden ( Einfluss, Macht und so w eit er ) ; 2. be on t h e w a n e im Schwinden
begriffen sein
39
dissipa t e ( sich) zerst reuen; verschw enden
35
2. Your brain looks for som et hing t hat seem s t o be happening sim ult aneously. This is known in
psychology circles as t he Law of Recency. Doesn't it m ake sense t hat what occurs in t he m om ent ( or
close proxim it y t o it ) of int ense pleasure or pain is probably t he cause of t hat sensat ion?
3. Your brain looks for consist ency. I f you're feeling pain or pleasure, your brain begins t o im m ediat ely
not ice what around you is unique and is happening sim ult aneously. I f t he elem ent t hat m eet s t hese
t wo crit eria also seem s t o occur consist ent ly whenever you feel t his pain or pleasure, t hen you can be
sure t hat your brain will det erm ine t hat it is t he cause. The challenge in t his, of course, is t hat when
we feel enough pain or pleasure, we t end t o gener alize about consist ency. I 'm sure you've had
som eone say t o you, " You always do t hat ," aft er you've done som et hing for t he first t im e. Perhaps
you've even said it yourself.
Because t he t hree crit eria for form ing neuro- associat ions are so im precise, it is very easy t o fall prey
t o m isint erpret at ions and creat e what I call false neuro- associat ions. That 's why we m ust evaluat e
linkages before t hey becom e a part of our unconscious decision- m aking process. So oft en we blam e
t he wrong cause, and t her eby close ourselves off from possible solut ions. I once knew a wom an, a
very successful art ist , who hadn't had a relat ionship wit h a m an for t welve years. Now, t his wom an
was ext rem ely passionat e about everyt hing she did; it 's what m ade her such a great art ist . However,
when her relat ionship ended and she found herself in m assive pain, her brain im m ediat ely searched for
t he cause—it searched for som et hing t hat was unique t o t his relat ionship.
Her brain not ed t hat t he r elat ionship had been especially passionat e. I nst ead of ident ifying it as one of
t he beaut iful part s of t he r elat ionship, she began t o t hink t hat t his was t he reason t hat t he relat ionship
ended. Her brain also looked for som et hing t hat was sim ult aneous t o t he pain; again it not ed t hat
t here had been a great deal of passion right before it had ended. When she looked for som et hing t hat
was consist ent , again passion was pinpoint ed as t he culprit . Because passion m et all t hree crit eria, her
brain decided t hat it m ust be t he reason t he relat ionship ended painfully.
Having linked t his as t he cause, she resolved never t o feel t hat level of passion in a relat ionship again.
This is a classic exam ple of a false neuro- associat ion. She had linked up a fake cause, and t his was
now guiding her current behaviours and crippling t he pot ent ial for a bet t er relat ionship in t he fut ure.
The real culprit in her relat ionship was t hat she and her part ner had different values and rules. But
because she linked pain t o her passion, she avoided it at all cost s, not only in relat ionships, but even in
her art . The qualit y of her ent ire life began t o suffer. This is a perfect exam ple of t he st range ways in
which we som et im es wire ourselves; you and I m ust underst and how our brain m akes associat ions and
quest ion m any of t hose connect ions t hat we've j ust accept ed t hat m ay be lim it ing our lives. Ot herwise,
in our personal and professional lives, we are dest ined t o feel unfulfilled and frust rat ed.
A SOURCE OF SELF- SABOTAGE
Even m ore insidious40 are m ixed neuro- associat ions, t he classic source of self- sabot age. I f you've ever
found yourself st art ing t o accom plish som et hing, and t hen dest roying it , m ixed neuro- associat ions are
40
in sidiou s heim t ück isch
usually t he culprit . Perhaps your business has been m oving in fit s and st art s, flourishing 41 one day and
floundering 42 t he next . What is t his all about ? I t 's a case of associat ing bot h pain and pleasure t o t he
sam e sit uat ion. One exam ple a lot of us can relat e t o is m oney. I n our cult ure, people have incredibly
m ixed associat ions t o wealt h. There's no doubt t hat people want m oney. They t hink it would provide
t hem wit h m ore freedom , m ore securit y, a chance t o cont ribut e, a chance t o t ravel, t o learn, t o
expand, t o m ake a difference. But sim ult aneously, m ost people never clim b above a cert ain earnings
plat eau because deep down t hey associat e having " excess" m oney t o a lot of negat ives. They associat e
it t o greed, t o being j udged, t o st ress, wit h im m oralit y or a lack of spirit ualit y.
One of t he first exercises I ask people t o do in m y Financial Dest iny™ sem inars is t o brainst orm all t he
posit ive associat ions t hey have t o wealt h, as well as all t he negat ive ones. On t he plus side t hey writ e
down such t hings as: freedom , luxury, cont ribut ion, happiness, securit y, t ravel, opport unit y, and
m aking a difference. But on t he m inus side ( which is usually m ore full) t hey writ e down such t hings as:
fight s wit h spouse, st ress, guilt , sleepless night s, int ense effort , greed, shallowness, and com placency,
being j udged, and t axes. Do you not ice a difference in int ensit y bet ween t he t wo set s of neuroassociat ions? Which do you t hink plays a st ronger role in t heir lives?
When you're deciding what t o do, if your brain doesn't have a clear signal of what equals pain and
what equals pleasure, it goes int o overload and becom es confused. As a result , you lose m om ent um
and t he pow er t o t ake t he decisive act ions t hat could give you what you want . When you give your
brain m ixed m essages, you're going t o get m ixed result s. Think of your brain's decision- m aking
process as being like a scale: " I f I were t o do t his, would it m ean pain or pleasure?" And rem em ber,
it 's not j ust t he num ber of fact ors on each side but t he weight t hey individually carry. I t 's possible t hat
you could have m ore pleasurable t han painful associat ions about m oney, but if j ust one of t he negat ive
associat ions is very int ense, t hen t hat false neuro- associat ion can wipe out your abilit y t o succeed
financially.
What happens when you get t o a point where you feel t hat you're going t o have pain no m at t er what
you do? I call t his t he pain- pain barrier. Oft en, when t his occurs, we becom e im m obilized—we don't
know what t o do. Usually we choose what we believe will be t he least painful alt ernat ive. Som e people,
however, allow t his pain t o overwhelm t hem com plet ely and t hey experience learned helplessness.
Using t he six st eps of NAC will help you t o int errupt t hese disem powering pat t erns. You will creat e
alt ernat ive pat hways so t hat you're not j ust " wishing" away an undesired behaviour, or overriding it in
t he short t er m , but are act ually rewiring yourself t o feel and behave consist ent wit h your new,
em powering choices. Wit hout changing what you link pain and pleasure t o in your nervous syst em , no
change will last . Aft er you read and underst and t he following six st eps, I challenge you t o choose
som et hing t hat you want t o change in your life right now. Take act ion and follow t hrough wit h each of
t he st eps you're about t o learn so t hat you not only read t he chapt er, but you produce changes as t he
result of reading it . Let 's begin t o learn . . .
41
42
flou r ish 1. Schnörk el; MUSI K Tusch; 2. blühen, gedeihen; schw enken
flou n de r ZOOLOGI E Flunder; zappeln; st ram peln; sich verhaspeln
6
HOW TO CHANGE ANYTHI NG I N YOUR LI FE:
THE SCI ENCE
OF NEURO- ASSOCI ATI VE CONDI TI ONI NG™
" The beginning of a habit is like an invisible t hread 43 , but every t im e we repeat t he act we st rengt hen
t he st rand, add t o it anot her filam ent , unt il it becom es a great cable and binds us irrevocably 44 ,
t hought and act ."
—ORI SON SWETT MARDEN
I f you and I want t o change our behav iour, t here is only one effect ive way t o do it : we m ust link
unbearable and im m ediat e sensat ions of pain t o our old behaviour, and incredible and im m ediat e
sensat ions of pleasure t o a new one. Think about it t his way: all of us, t hrough t he experience of life,
have learned cert ain pat t erns of t hinking and behaving t o get our selves out of pain and int o pleasure.
We all experience em ot ions like boredom or frust rat ion or anger or feeling overwhelm ed, and develop
st rat egies for ending t hese feelings. Som e people use shopping; som e use food; som e use sex; som e
use drugs; som e use alcohol; som e use yelling at t heir kids. They know, consciously or unconsciously,
t hat t his neural pat hway will relieve t heir pain and t ake t hem t o som e level of pleasure in t he m om ent .
What ever t he st rat egy, if you and I are going t o change it , we have t o go t hrough six sim ple st eps, t he
out com e of which is t o find a m ore direct and em pow ering way t o get out of pain and int o pleasure,
ways t hat will be m ore effect ive and elegant . These six st eps of NAC will show you how t o creat e a
direct highway out of pain and int o pleasure wit h no disem powering det ours. They are:
NAC MASTER STEP 1
D e cide W h a t You Re a lly W a n t a n d W h a t 's Pr e ve n t in g You Fr om H a vin g I t N ow .
You'd be sur prised how m any people cam e t o m e for privat e t herapeut ic work, and when I asked t hem
what t hey want ed, t hey'd spend t went y m inut es t elling m e what t hey didn't want , or what t hey no
longer want ed t o experience. We've got t o rem em ber t hat we get what ever we focus on in life. I f we
keep focusing on what we don't want , we'll have m ore of it . The fir st st e p t o cr e a t in g a n y ch a n ge
is de cidin g w h a t you do w a n t so t h a t you h a ve som e t h ing t o m ove t ow a r d. The m ore specific
43
t h r e a d 1. Faden ( auch übert ragen) ; Garn; TECHNI K Gewinde; 2. Nadel einfädeln; Per len und so weit er
auffädeln, - reihen
44
ir r e voca ble unwiderruflich, unabänderlich, endgült ig
you can be about what you want , t he m ore clarit y you will have, and t he m ore power you will
com m and t o achieve what you want m ore rapidly.
We also m ust learn what 's prevent ing us from having what we want . I nvariably, what 's
prevent ing us from m aking t he change is t hat we link m ore pain t o m aking a change t han t o st aying
where we are. We eit her have a belief like, " I f I change, I will have pain," or we fear t he unknown t hat
change m ight bring.
NAC MASTER STEP 2
Ge t Le ve r a ge : Associa t e M a ssive Pa in t o N ot Ch a n gin g N ow a n d M a ssive Ple a su r e t o t h e
Ex pe r ie n ce of Ch a n gin g N ow !
Most people know t hat t hey really want t o change, yet t hey j ust can't get t hem selves t o do it ! But
ch a n ge is u su a lly n ot a qu e st ion of ca pa bilit y; it 's a lm ost a lw a ys a qu e st ion of m ot iva t ion . I f
som eone put a gun t o our heads and said, " You'd bet t er get out of t hat depressed st at e and st art
feeling happy now," I bet any one of us could find a way t o change our em ot ional st at e for t he m om ent
under t hese circum st ances.
But t he problem , as I 've said, is t hat change is oft en a should and not a m ust . Or it 's a m ust ,
but it 's a m ust for " som eday." Th e on ly w a y w e 'r e goin g t o m a k e a ch a n ge n ow is if w e cr e a t e a
se n se of u r ge n cy t h a t 's so in t e n se t h a t w e 'r e com pe lle d t o follow t h r ou gh . I f we want t o
creat e change, t hen, we have t o realize t hat it 's not a quest ion of whet her we can do it , but rat her
whet her we will do it . Whet her we will or not com es down t o our level of m ot ivat ion, which in t urn
com es down t o t hose t win powers t hat shape our lives, pain and pleasure.
Every change you've accom plished in your life is t he result of changing your neuroassociat ions
about what m eans pain and what m eans pleasure. So oft en, t hough, we have a hard t im e get t ing
ourselves t o change because we have m ixed em ot ions about changing.
On t he one hand, we want t o change. We don't want t o get cancer from sm oking. We don't
want t o lose our personal relat ionships because our t em per is out of cont rol. We don't want our kids t o
feel unloved because we'r e harsh wit h t hem . We don't want t o feel depressed for t he rest of our lives
because of som et hing t hat happened in our past . We don't want t o feel like vict im s anym ore.
On t he ot her hand, we fear change. We wonder, " What if I st op sm oking cigaret t es, but I die of
cancer anyway and I 've given up t he pleasure t hat cigaret t es used t o give m e?" Or " What if I let go of
t his negat ive feeling about t he rape, and it happens t o m e again?" We have m ixed e m ot ion s where
we link bot h pain and pleasure t o changing, which causes our br ain t o be uncert ain as t o what t o do,
and keeps us from ut ilizing our full resources t o m ake t he kinds of changes t hat can happen lit erally in
a m om ent if every ounce of our being were com m it t ed t o t hem .
How do we t urn t his around? One of t he t hings t hat t urns virt ually anyone around is reaching a
pa in t h r e shold. This m eans experiencing pain at such an int ense level t hat you know you m ust
change now—a point at which your brain says, " I 've had it ; I can't spend anot her day, not anot her
m om ent , living or feeling t his way." Have you ever experienced t his in a personal relat ionship, for
exam ple? You hung in t here, it was painful and you really weren't happy, but you st ayed in it anyway.
Why? You rat ionalized t hat it would get bet t er, wit hout doing anyt hing t o m ake it bet t er. I f you were in
so m uch pain, why didn't you leave? Even t hough you were unhappy, your fear of t he unknown was a
m ore powerful m ot ivat ing force. " Yeah, I 'm unhappy now," you m ay have t hought , " but what if I leave
t his person and t hen I never find anyone? At least I know how t o deal wit h t he pain I have now."
This kind of t hinking is what keeps people from m aking changes. Finally, t hough, one day t he
pain of being in t hat negat ive relat ionship becam e great er t han your fear of t h e unknown, so you hit a
t hreshold and m ade t he change. Maybe you've done t he sam e t hing wit h your body, when you finally
decided you couldn't spend anot her day wit hout doing som et hing about your excess weight . Maybe t he
experience t hat finally pushed you over t he edge was your failure t o be able t o squeeze int o your
favourit e pair of j eans, or t he sensat ions of your " t hunder t highs" rubbing against each ot her as you
waddled up a set of st airs! Or j ust t he sight of t he bulbous folds of excess flesh hanging from t he side
of your body!
THE ALPO DI ET
Recent ly, a wom an at t ending a sem inar t old m e about her fail- safe st rat egy t hat she had developed for
shredding unwant ed pounds. She and a friend had com m it t ed over and over again t o losing weight ,
but failed t o keep t heir pr om ise each and every t im e. Finally, t hey bot h reached t he point where losing
weight was a m ust . Based on what I t aught t hem , t hey needed som e leverage t o push t hem selves
over t he edge. They needed t o m ake not keeping t heir prom ise m ore painful t han anyt hing t hey could
im agine. They decided t o com m it t o each ot her and a group of friends t hat if t hey welshed on t heir
prom ise t his t im e, t hey would each have t o eat a whole can of Alpo dog food! So, t o st ave off any hint
of a craving, t hese t wo ent erprising wom en t old everyone and kept t heir cans in plain view at all t im es
as a const ant rem inder. She t old m e t hat when t hey st art ed t o feel hunger pangs, t hey'd pick up t he
can and read t he label. Wit h ingredient s boast ing " horsem eat chunks," t hey found no difficult y in
st icking t o t heir com m it m ent . They achieved t heir goal wit hout a hit ch!
A lever is a device t hat we ut ilize in order t o lift or m ove a t rem endous burden we could not ot herwise
m anage. Leverage is absolut ely crucial in creat ing any change, in freeing yourself from behavioural
burdens like sm oking, drinking, overeat ing, cursing, or em ot ional pat t erns like feeling depressed,
worried, fearful, or inadequat e—you nam e it . Change requires m ore t han j ust est ablishing t he
knowledge t hat you should change. I t 's knowing at t he deepest em ot ional and m ost basic sensory level
t hat you m ust change. I f you've t ried m any t im es t o m ake a change and you'v e failed t o do so, t his
sim ply m eans t hat t he level of pain for failing t o change is not int ense enough. You have not reached
t hreshold, t he ult im at e leverage.
When I was doing privat e t herapy, it was im perat ive t hat I find t he point of great est lever age
in order t o help people m ake changes in one session t hat years of t herapy had failed t o accom plish. I
st art ed every session by saying t hat I couldn't work wit h anyone who wasn't com m it t ed t o changing
now. One of t he reasons was t hat I charged $3,000 for a session, and I didn't want t hem t o invest
t heir m oney unless t hey were absolut ely going t o get t he result t hey were com m it t ed t o t oday, in t his
one session. Many t im es t hese people had flown in from som e ot her part of t he count ry. The t hought
of m y sending t hem hom e wit hout handling t heir problem m ot ivat ed m y client s t o spend at least half
an hour convincing m e t hat t hey were indeed com m it t ed and would do anyt hing t o change now. Wit h
t his kind of leverage, creat ing change becam e a m at t er of course. To paraphr ase t he philosopher
Niet zsche, he who has a st rong enough why can bear alm ost any how. I 've found t hat 20 percent of
any change is knowing how; but 80 percent is knowing why. I f we gat her a set of st rong enough
reasons t o change, we can change in a m inut e som et hing we've failed t o change for years.
" Give m e a lever long enough. And a prop st rong enough. I can single- handedly m ove t he world." —
ARCHI MEDES
The great est leverage you can creat e for yourself is t he pain t hat com es from inside, not
out side. Knowing t hat you have failed t o live up t o your own st andards for your life is t he ult im at e pain.
I f we fail t o act in accordance wit h our own view of ourselves, if our behaviours are inconsist ent wit h
our st andards—wit h t he ident it y we hold for ourselves—t hen t he chasm bet ween our act ions and who
we are drives us t o m ake a change.
The leverage creat ed by point ing out an inconsist ency bet ween som eone's st andards and t heir
behaviour can be incredibly effect ive in causing t hem t o change. I t 's not j ust pressur e placed on t hem
by t he out side world, but pressur e built up by t hem selves from wit hin. One of t he st rongest forces in
t he hum an personalit y is t he drive t o preserve t he int egrit y of our own ident it y.
The reason so m any of us seem t o be walking cont radict ions is sim ply t hat we never recognize
inconsist encies for what t hey are. I f you want t o help som ebody, you won't access t his kind of
leverage by m aking t hem wrong or point ing out t hat t hey're inconsist ent , but rat her by asking t hem
quest ions t hat cause t hem t o realize for t hem selves t heir inconsist encies. This is a m uch m ore
powerful lever t han at t acking som eone. I f you t ry t o exert only ext ernal pressure, t hey'll push against
it , but int ernal pressure is next t o im possible t o resist .
This kind of pressure is a valuable t ool t o use on yourself. Com placency breeds st agnat ion; unless
you're ext rem ely dissat isfied wit h your current pat t ern of behavior, you won't be m ot ivat ed t o m ake
t he changes t hat are necessary. Let 's face it ; t he hum an anim al responds t o pressure. So why would
som eone not change when t hey feel and know t hat t hey should? They associat e m ore pain t o m aking
t he change t han t o not changing. To change som eone, including ourselves, we m ust sim ply reverse
t his so t hat not changing is incredibly painful ( painful beyond our t hreshold of t olerance) , and t he idea
of changing is at t ract ive and pleasurable!
To get t rue leverage, ask yourself pain- inducing quest ions: " What will t his cost m e if I don't change?"
Most of us are t oo busy est im at ing t he price of change. But what 's t he price of not changing?
" Ult im at ely what will I m iss out on in m y life if I don't m ake t he shift ? What is it already cost ing m e
m ent ally, em ot ionally, physically, financially, spirit ually?" Make t he pain of not changing feel so real t o
you, so int ense, so im m ediat e t hat you can't put off t aking t hat act ion any longer. I f t hat doesn't
creat e enough leverage, t hen focus on how it affects your loved ones, your children, and ot her people
you care about . Many of us will do m ore for ot hers t han we'll do for ourselves. So pict ure in graphic
det ail how m uch your failure t o change will negat ively im pact t he people who are m ost im port ant t o
you.
The second st ep is t o use pleasure- associat ing quest ions t o help you link t hose posit ive sensat ions t o
t he idea of changing. " I f I do change, how will t hat m ake m e feel about m yself? What kind of
m om ent um could I creat e if I change t his in m y life? What ot her t hings could I accom plish if I really
m ade t his change t oday? How will m y fam ily and friends feel? How m uch happier will I be now?" The
key is t o get lot s of reasons, or bet t er yet , st rong enough reasons, why t he change should t ake place
im m ediat ely, not som eday in t he fut ure. I f you are not driven t o m ake t he change now, t hen you don't
really have leverage.
Now t hat you've linked pain in your nervous syst em t o not changing, and pleasure t o m aking t he
change, you're driven t o creat e a change, you can proceed t o t he t hird m ast er st ep of NAC. . . .
NAC
MASTER STEP 3
I nt errupt t he Lim it ing Pat t ern.
I n order for us t o consist ent ly feel a cert ain way, we develop charact erist ic pat t erns of t hinking,
focusing on t he sam e im ages and ideas, asking ourselves t he sam e quest ions. The challenge is t hat
m ost people want a new result , but cont inue t o act in t he sam e way. I once heard it said t hat t he
definit ion of insanit y is " doing t he sam e t hings over and over again and expect ing a different result ."
Please don't m isunderst and m e. There's not hing wrong wit h you; you don't need t o be " fixed." ( And I
suggest you avoid anyone who uses t hese m et aphors t o describe you! ) The r esources you need t o
change anyt hing in your life are wit hin you right now. I t 's j ust t hat you have a set of neuroassociat ions t hat habit ually cause you t o not fully ut ilize your capabilit y. What you m ust do is
reorganize your neural pat hways so t hat t hey consist ent ly guide you in t he direct ion of your desires
rat her t han your frust rat ions and fears.
To get new r esult s in our lives, we can't j ust know what we want and get lever age on ourselves. We
can be highly m ot ivat ed t o change, but if we keep doing t he sam e t hings, running t he sam e
inappropriat e pat t erns, our lives are not going t o change, and all we'll experience is m ore and m ore
pain and frust rat ion.
Have you ever seen a fly t hat 's t rapped in a room ? I t im m ediat ely searches for t he light , so it heads
for t he window, sm acking it self against t he glass again and again, som et im es for hours. Have you ever
not iced people do t his? They're highly m ot ivat ed t o change: t hey have int ense leverage. But all t he
m ot ivat ion in t he world won't help if you t ry t o get out side t hrough a closed window. You've got t o
change your approach. The fly st ands a chance only if it backs off and looks around for anot her exit .
I f you and I run t he sam e old pat t ern, we're going t o get t he sam e old result s. Record album s creat e
t he sam e sounds consist ent ly because of t heir pat t ern, t he cont inuous groove in which t he sound is
encoded. But what would happen if one day I picked up your record, t ook a needle, and scrat ched
across it back and fort h dozens of t im es? I f I do t his enough, t here's a point when t he pat t ern is so
deeply int errupt ed t hat t he record will never play t he sam e way again. Likewise, j ust int errupt ing
som eone's lim it ing pat t er n of behavior or em ot ion can com plet ely change t heir life because som et im es
it also creat es leverage, and wit h t hese t wo st eps alone, you can change virt ually anyt hing. The
addit ional st eps of NAC are j ust a way t o m ake sure t he changes last and t hat you develop new
choices t hat are enj oyable and em pow ering.
I creat ed a fun pat t ern int errupt recent ly at one of m y t hree- day Unlim it ed Power™ sem inars in
Chicago. One m an claim ed t hat he really want ed t o kick his chocolat e habit , yet it was clear t o m e t hat
he received a great deal of pleasure from his ident it y as a " chocolat e addict ." I n fact , he was even
wearing a T- shirt t hat proclaim ed " I want t he world, but I 'll set t le for chocolat e." This provided st rong
evidence t hat t his m an, alt hough he m ay have desired t o st op eat ing chocolat e, also had a great deal
of " secondar y gain" t o m aint ain t his habit . Som et im es people want t o creat e a change because a
behavior or em ot ional pat t ern creat es pain for t hem . But t hey m ay also derive benefit from t he very
t hing t hey're t rying t o change. I f a person becom es inj ured, for exam ple, and t hen suddenly everyone
wait s on t hem hand and foot , giving t hem a great deal of at t ent ion, t hey m ay find t hat t heir inj uries
don't heal quit e as quickly. While t hey want t o be over t he pain, unconsciously t hey want m ore of t he
pleasure of knowing t hat people care. You can do everyt hing right , but if secondary gain is t oo st rong,
you will find yourself going back t o t he old ways. Som eone wit h secondary gain has m ixed em ot ions
about changing. They say t hey want t o change, but oft en t hey subconsciously believe t hat m aint aining
t he old behavior or em ot ional pat t ern gives t hem som et hing t hey couldn't get any ot her way. Thus
t hey're not willing t o give up feeling depressed, even t hough it 's painful. Why? Because being
depr essed get s t hem at t ent ion, for exam ple. They don't want t o feel depressed, but t hey desper at ely
want at t ent ion. I n t he end, t he need for at t ent ion wins out , and t hey st ay depressed. The need for
at t ent ion is only one form of secondary gain. I n order t o resolve t his, we have t o give t he person
enough leverage t hat t hey m ust change, but also we m ust show t hem a new way t o get t heir needs
m et .
While on som e level, I 'm sure t his m an knew he needed t o kick chocolat e, I 'm also fairly cert ain t hat
he knew he could use t his opport unit y t o get som e serious at t ent ion. Any t im e t here is secondary gain
involved, you have t o st ep up t he leverage, so I decided t hat a m assive pat t er n int errupt would creat e
t he necessar y leverage. " Sir! " I exclaim ed. " You're t elling m e t hat you're ready t o give up chocolat e.
That 's gr eat . There's j ust one t hing L want you t o do before we elim inat e t hat old pat t ern forever." He
asked, " What 's t hat ?" I said, " To get your body in t he right condit ion, for t he next nine days you m ust
eat not hing but chocolat e. Only chocolat e can pass y our lips." People in t he audience st art ed giggling 45 ,
and t he m an looked at m e uncert ainly. " Can I drink anyt hing?" he asked. " Yes," I said, " you can
drink wat er. Four glasses a day—but t hat 's all. Everyt hing else m ust be chocolat e." He shrugged his
shoulders and grinned. " Okay, Tony, if t hat 's what you want . I can do t his wit hout changing. I hat e t o
m ake a fool out of you! " I sm iled and cont inued wit h t he sem inar. You should have seen what
happened next ! As if by m agic, dozens of chocolat e bars and candies m at erialized out of people's
45
giggle 1. kichern; 2. Gekicher
pocket s, purses and briefcases and wer e passed down t o him . By t he lunch break, he had been
inundat ed wit h every last m orsel of chocolat e in t hat audit orium : Baby Rut hs, But t erfingers, Snickers,
Milky Ways, M & M's, Alm ond Joys, Fanny Farm er fudge. He caught m y eye in t he lobby out side.
" Thanks, Tony; t his is great ! " he exclaim ed as he unwrapped and popped Her shey's Kisses int o his
m out h, det er m ined t o show t hat he could " beat m e." But he failed t o realize t hat he wasn't com pet ing
wit h m e—he was com pet ing wit h him self! I was m erely enlist ing his body as an ally in get t ing leverage
and breaking his pat t ern.
Do you know how t hirst y sugar m akes you? By t he end of t he day t his guy's t hroat was absolut ely
raw—and he had definit ely lost his passion for chocolat e as people cont inued t o shovel Krackel bars
int o his pocket s and pr ess his palm s wit h Thin Mint s. By t he second day he'd definit ely lost his sense of
hum or, but he wasn't yet ready t o cry uncle. "Have som e m ore chocolat e! " I insist ed. He unwrapped a
Three Musket eers bar and glared at m e.
By t he t hird m orning, as he t railed int o t he audit orium , he looked like a m an who had spent all night
praying t o t he porcelain goddess. " How was breakfast ?" I asked as people laughed. " Not so good," he
adm it t ed weakly. " Have som e m ore! " I said. Feebly he accept ed anot her piece of chocolat e from
som eone sit t ing behind him , but he failed t o open it or even look at it . " What 's t he m at t er?" I asked
him . " Fed up?" He nodded. " Com e on, you're t he chocolat e cham pion! " I goaded. " Have som e m ore!
I sn't chocolat e t he great est ? How about som e Mounds bars? And som e Peanut M & M's? And a whole
box of Rocky Road fudge? Can't you j ust t aste it ? Doesn't it m ake your m out h wat er?"
The longer I t alked, t he greener he got . " Have som e m ore! " I said, and finally he exploded: " YOU
CANT MAKE ME! " The audience laughed uproariously 46 as t he m an realized what he'd said. " All right ,
t hen. Throw t he candy away and sit down."
Lat er, I cam e back t o him , and assist ed him in select ing em powering alt ernat ives t o t he chocolat e,
laying down som e new pat hways t o pleasure t hat were m ore em powering and didn't require him t o
consum e som et hing he knew wasn't good for him . Then I really got t o work wit h him , condit ioning t he
new associat ions and helping him replace his old addict ion wit h a sm orgasbor d of healt hful behaviors:
power breat hing, exercise, wat er- rich foods, proper food com bining, and so on. Had I creat ed leverage
on t his guy? You bet ! I f you can give som eone pain in t heir body, t hat 's undeniable leverage. They'll do
anyt hing t o get out of pain and int o pleasure. Sim ult aneously, I broke his pat t ern. Everybody else was
t rying t o get him t o st op eat ing chocolat e. I dem anded t hat he eat it ! That was som et hing he never
expect ed, and it m assively int errupt ed his pat t ern. He rapidly linked such painful sensat ions t o t he idea
of eat ing chocolat e t hat a new neural pat hway was laid down overnight , and his old " Hershey Highway"
was bom bed beyond recognit ion. When I used t o conduct privat e t herapies, people would com e t o see
m e, sit down in m y office and begin t o t ell m e what t heir problem was. They'd say, " My problem is ..."
and t hen t hey'd burst int o t ears, out of cont rol. As soon as t his happened, I would st and up and shout ,
" EXCUSE ME! " This would j olt t hem , and t hen I 'd follow up wit h, " We haven't st art ed yet ! " Usually t hey
responded, " Oh, I 'm so sorry." And t hey'd im m ediat ely change t heir em ot ional st at es and r egain
cont rol. I t was hyst erical t o wat ch! These people who felt t hey had no cont rol over t heir lives would
im m ediat ely prove t hat t hey already knew exact ly how t o change how t hey felt !
46
u pr oa r iou s schallend ( Gelächt er)
One of t he best ways t o int errupt som eone's pat t er n is t o do t hings t hey don't expect , t hings t hat are
radically different from what t hey've experienced before. Think of som e of t he ways you can int errupt
your own pat t erns. Take a m om ent t o t hink up som e of t he m ost enj oyable and disrupt ive ways you
can int errupt a pat t ern of being frust rat ed, worried, or overwhelm ed.
Next t im e you st art t o feel depressed, j um p up, look at t he sky, and yell in your m ost idiot ic t one of
voice, " H- A- L- L- E- L- U- J- A- H! My feet don't st ink t oday! " A st upid, silly m ove like t hat will definit ely
shift your at t ent ion, change your st at e, and it will definit ely change t he st at es of everyone around you
as t hey begin t o realize t hat you're no longer depressed—j ust crazy!
I f you overeat on a regular basis and want t o st op, I 'll give you a t echnique t hat will definit ely work, if
you're willing t o com m it t o it . The next t im e you find yourself in a rest aurant overeat ing, j um p up in
t he m iddle of t he room , point at your own chair and scream at t he t op of your lungs, " PI G! " I
guarant ee t hat if you do t his t hree or four t im es in a public place, you won't overeat any m ore! You'll
link t oo m uch pain t o t his behavior! Just rem em ber : t he m ore out rageous 47 your approach t o breaking
a pat t ern, t he m ore effect ive it will be. One of t he key dist inct ions t o int errupt ing a pat t ern is t hat you
m ust do it in t he m om ent t he pat t ern is recurring. Pat t ern int errupt s happen t o us every day. When
you say, " I j ust lost m y t rain of t hought ," you're indicat ing t hat som et hing or som eone int errupt ed
your pat t ern of concent rat ion. Have you ever been deeply involved in a conversat ion wit h a friend, had
som eone int errupt you for a m om ent , t hen com e back wondering, " Where were we?" Of course you
have, and it 's a classic exam ple of a pat t ern int errupt .
Just rem em ber, if we want t o creat e change and we've learned in t he past t o get pleasure by t aking a
circuit ous rout e t hat includes a series of negat ive consequences, we need t o break t hat old pat t ern. We
need t o scram ble it beyond recognit ion, find a new pat t ern ( t hat 's t he next st ep) , and condit ion it
again and again unt il it becom es our consist ent appr oach.
H OW TO BREAK LI M I TI N G PATTERN S OF FEELI N G AN D ACTI N G
Again, oft en it 's t rue t hat int errupt ing a pat t ern enough t im es can change alm ost anyone. A sim ple
way of breaking a pat t ern is by scram bling t he sensat ions we link t o our m em ories. The only reason
we're upset is t hat we're r epresent ing t hings in a cert ain way in our m inds. For exam ple, if your boss
yells at you, and you m ent ally rerun t hat experience t he rest of t he day, pict uring him or her yelling at
you over and over again, t hen you'll feel progressively worse. Why let t he experience cont inue t o affect
you? Why not j ust t ake t his record in your m ind and scrat ch it so m any t im es t hat you can't experience
t hose feelings anym ore? Maybe you can even m ake it funny!
Try t his right now by doing t he following: Think of a sit uat ion t hat m akes you feel sad, frust rat ed, or
angry. Now do t he first t wo st eps of NAC, which we've already covered. I f you feel bad now about t he
sit uat ion, how do you want t o be able t o feel? Why do you want t o feel t hat way? What 's been
prevent ing you from feeling t hat way is t he sensat ions you've linked t o t his sit uat ion. Wouldn't it be
wonderful if you could feel good about it ? Now get som e leverage on yourself. I f you don't change how
47
ou t r a ge ou s abscheulich; em pörend, uner hört
you feel about t his sit uat ion, how will you cont inue t o feel? Pret t y lousy, I 'll bet ! Do you want t o pay
t hat price and cont inually carry around t hese negat ive sensat ions or upset s you have t oward t his
person or sit uat ion? I f you were t o change now, wouldn't you feel bet t er?
TH E SCRAM BLE PATTERN
You've got enough leverage; now scram ble t he disem powering feelings unt il t hey no longer com e up.
Aft er reading t his, t ake t he following st eps.
1) See t he sit uat ion in your m ind t hat was bot hering you so m uch. Pict ure it as a m ovie. Don't feel
upset about it ; j ust wat ch it one t im e, seeing everyt hing t hat happened.
2) Take t hat sam e experience and t urn it int o a cart oon. Sit up in your chair wit h a big, silly grin on
your face, breat hing fully, and run t he im age backward as fast as you can so t hat you can see
everyt hing happening in reverse. I f som ebody said som et hing, wat ch t hem swallow t heir words! Let
t he m ovie run backward in very fast m ot ion, t hen run it forward again in even fast er m ot ion. Now
change t he colors of t he im ages so t hat everybody's faces are rainbow- colored. I f t here's som eone in
part icular who upset s you, cause t heir ears t o grow very large like Mickey Mouse's, and t heir nose t o
grow like Pinocchio's. Do t his at least a dozen t im es, back and fort h, sideways, scrat ching t he record of
your im agery wit h t rem endous speed and hum or. Creat e som e m usic in your m ind as you do t his.
Maybe it 's your favorit e song, or m aybe som e t ype of cart oon m usic. Link t hese weird sounds t o t he
old im age t hat used t o upset you. This will definit ely change t he sensat ions. Key t o t his whole process
is t he speed at which you play back t he im agery and t he level of hum or and exaggerat ion you can link
t o it .
3) Now t hink about t he sit uat ion t hat was bot hering you, and not ice how you feel now. I f done
effect ively, you'll easily have broken t he pat t ern so m any t im es you'll find it difficult or im possible t o
get back int o t hose negat ive feelings. This can be done wit h t hings t hat have been bot hering you for
years. I t 's oft en a m uch m ore effect ive approach t han t rying t o analyze t he why's and wherefore's of a
sit uat ion, which doesn't change t he sensat ions you link t o t he sit uat ion. As sim plist ic as it seem s,
effect ively scram bling a sit uat ion will work in m ost cases, even where t raum a has been involved. Why
does it work? Because all of our feelings are based on t he im ages we focus on in our m inds and t he
sounds and sensat ions we link t o t hose specific im ages. As we change t he im ages and sounds, we
change how we feel. Condit ioning t his again and again m akes it difficult t o get back int o t he
old pat t ern.
One way of breaking t he pat t ern is t o Just st op doing som et hing, go " cold t urkey." I f you st op running
a pat t ern again and again, t he neural pat hway will gradually dissipat e. Once a neural connect ion is
m ade, t he br ain will always have a pat hway, but unless t he pat h is used, it becom es over grown. Like
anyt hing else, if you don't use it , you begin t o lose it . Now t hat you've broken t he pat t ern t hat has
been holding you back, you now have t he open space t o ...
NAC
MASTER STEP 4
Creat e a New , Em powering Alt ernat ive.
This fourt h st ep is absolut ely crit ical t o est ablishing long- t erm change. I n fact , t he failure by m ost
people t o find an alt ernat ive way of get t ing out of pain and int o t he feelings of pleasure is t he m aj or
reason m ost people's at t em pt s at change are only t em porary. Many people get t o t he point where t hey
have t o change, where change is a m ust , because t hey link so m uch pain t o t heir old pat t ern and t hey
link pleasure t o t he idea of changing. They even int errupt t heir pat t erns. But aft er t hat , t hey have
not hing t o replace t he old pat t ern!
Rem em ber, all of your neurological pat t erns are designed t o help you get out of pain and int o pleasure.
These pat t er ns are well est ablished, and while t hey m ay have negat ive side effect s, if you've learned
t hat a habit can get you out of pain, you'll go back t o it again and again since you've found no bet t er
way t o get t he feelings you desire.
I f you've been following each one of t hese st eps, you've got t en clear about what you want ed and what
was prevent ing you from get t ing it , you've got t en leverage on yourself, you've int errupt ed t he pat t ern,
and now you need t o fill t he gap wit h a new set of choices t hat will give you t he sam e pleasurable
feelings wit hout t he negat ive side effect s. Once you quit sm oking, you m ust com e up wit h a new way,
or a lot of new ways, t o replace what ever benefit s you used t o get from t he old behavior; t he benefit s
of t he old feelings or behaviors m ust be preserved by t he new behaviors or feelings while elim inat ing
t he side effect s. What can you replace worry wit h? How about m assive act ion on a plan you have for
m eet ing your goals? Depression can be replaced wit h a focus on how t o help ot hers who are in need. I f
you're not sure how t o get yourself out of pain and t o feel pleasure as a replacem ent t o your sm oking,
drinking, worrying, or ot her undesirable em ot ion or behavior, you can sim ply find t he answers by
m odeling people who have t urned t hings around for t hem selves. Find people who have m ade t he
last ing changes; I guarant ee you'll find t hat t hey had an alt ernat ive t o replace t he old behavior.
A good exam ple of t his is m y friend Fran Tarkent on. When Fran and I first st art ed doing m y Personal
Power t elevision shows t oget her, he had a habit t hat t ruly surprised m e. He was addict ed t o chewing
t obacco. I 'd be in a m eet ing wit h Fran, and suddenly he would t urn his head and spit . This did not
m at ch m y pict ure of t his powerful and elegant m an. But he'd been doing it for over t went y years. As
Fran would t ell m e lat er, chewing t obacco was one of his great est pleasures in life. I t was like his best
friend. I f he was on t he road and felt alone, he could chew t obacco, and he wouldn't feel alone
anym ore. I n fact , he t old a group of his friends one t im e t hat if he had t o choose bet ween sex and
chewing t obacco, he'd chew t obacco! How's t hat for a false neuro- associat ion? He'd wired a pat hway
out of pain and int o pleasure via t he highway of chewing t obacco. Aft er years of cont inual use and
reinforcem ent , he had creat ed a neural t runk line from t obacco t o pleasure; t hus, t his was his favorit e
rout e of change.
What got him t o change his behavior? Finally, he got enough leverage on him self. One day, wit h a lit t le
help from " a friend," he began t o see t hat chewing t obacco was m assively incongruent wit h t he qualit y
of m an he'd becom e. I t represent ed a lack of cont rol over his life, and since being in charge of his life
is one of Fran's highest values, t hat was a st andar d he could not break. I t was t oo painful t o be in t hat
posit ion. He st art ed t o direct his m ind's focus t o t he possibilit y of m out h cancer. He pict ured it vividly
unt il pret t y soon he was driven away from t he idea of using t obacco. The t ast e of it st art ed t o disgust
him . These im ages helped him t o get leverage on him self and int errupt t he pat t ern he'd previously
linked t o using t obacco for pleasure.
The next m ost im port ant key was t hat Fran found new ways t o get pleasure t hat were even m ore
effect ive t han t obacco. He poured him self int o his business like never befor e, and st art ed producing
result s t hat have m ade his com pany, KnowledgeWar e, one of t he m ost successful com put er soft ware
com panies on Wall St reet . Even m ore powerfully, now t hat he needed a new com panion, he decided t o
at t ract a real one, and found t he wom an of his dream s and learned t o get t he kinds of em ot ions and
feelings from his relat ionship wit h her t hat he could never get from any ot her source.
Oft en, if we j ust break our old pat t erns enough, our brains will aut om at ically search for a replacem ent
pat t ern t o give us t he feelings we desire. This is why people who finally break t he pat t ern of sm oking
som et im es gain weight : t heir brains look for a new way t o creat e t he sam e k inds of pleasurable
feelings, and now t hey eat m ass quant it ies of food t o get t hem . The key, t hen, is for us t o consciously
choose t he new behaviors or feelings wit h which we're going t o replace t he old ones.
STUD I ES I N TRAN SFORM ATI ON
A st at ist ical st udy was conduct ed by researcher Nancy Mann t o evaluat e t he level of rehabilit at ion in
reform ed drug abuser s, and t he adopt ion of a replacem ent behavior appears t o play a m aj or role even
in t his com plex field of change. The first group in t he st udy was forced t o give up t heir addict ion
t hrough som e ext ernal pressure, oft en applied by t he legal syst em . As we t alked about in t he sect ion
on leverage, ext ernal pressure rarely has a last ing im pact . Sure enough, t hese m en and wom en
ret urned t o t heir old habit s as soon as t he pressur e was lift ed, i.e., as soon as t hey were released from
j ail. A second group t ruly want ed t o quit , and t ried t o do so on t heir own. Their leverage was prim arily
int ernal. As a result , t heir behavioral changes last ed a great deal longer, oft en as m uch as t wo years
aft er t he init ial com m it m ent . What event ually caused a relapse was suffering a significant am ount of
st ress. When t his occurred, t hey oft en revert ed back t o t heir drug habit as a way of get t ing out of pain
and int o pleasure. Why? Because t hey had not found a replacem ent for t he old neural pat hway. The
t hird group replaced t heir addict ion wit h a new alt ernat ive, som et hing t hat gave t hem t he feelings t hey
had sought originally—or perhaps som et hing t hat m ade t hem feel even bet t er. Many found fulfilling
relat ionships, spirit ual enlight enm ent , a career t hat t hey could be com plet ely passionat e about . As a
result , m any never ret urned t o t he old drug habit s, and t he m aj orit y last ed an average of over eight
years before any backsliding occurred. The people who succeeded in kicking t heir drug habit s followed
t he first four st eps of NAC, and t hat 's why t hey were so successful. Som e of t hem last ed only eight
years, however. Why? Because t hey didn't ut ilize t he fift h and crit ical st ep of NAC.
NAC
MASTER STEP 5
Condit ion t he New Pat t ern Unt il I t 's Consist ent .
Condit ioning is t he way t o m ake sure t hat a change you creat e is consist ent and last s long- t erm . The
sim plest way t o condit ion som et hing is sim ply t o rehearse 48 it again and again unt il a neurological way
is creat ed. I f you find an em powering alt ernat ive, im agine doing it unt il you see t hat it can get you
out of pain and int o pleasure quickly. Your brain will begin t o associat e t his as a new way of producing
t his result on a consist ent basis. I f you don't do t his, you'll go back t o t he old pat t ern. I f you rehearse
t he new, em powering alt ernat ive again and again wit h t rem endous em ot ional int ensit y, you'll carve
out a pat hway, and wit h even m ore repet it ion and em ot ion, it will becom e a highway t o t his new way
of achieving result s, and it will becom e a part of your habit ual behavior. Rem em ber, your brain can't
t ell t he difference bet ween som et hing you vividly im agine and som et hing you act ually experience.
Condit ioning ensures t hat you aut om at ically t ravel along t he new rout e, t hat if you spot one of t he " off
ram ps" you used t o t ake all t he t im e, now you j ust speed past t hem —in fact , t hey'll act ually becom e
difficult t o t ake.
The power of condit ioning can't be over est im at ed. I read recent ly t hat Bost on Celt ics great Larry Bird
was doing a soft - drink com m ercial in which he was supposed t o m iss a j um p shot . He m ade nine
basket s in a row before he could get him self t o m iss! That 's how st rongly he's condit ioned him self over
t he years. When t hat ball hit s his hands, he aut om at ically goes t hrough a pat t ern t hat is aim ed at
put t ing t he ball t hrough t he hoop. I 'm sure t hat if you exam ined t he port ion of Larry Bird's brain t hat is
linked t o t hat m ot ion, you would discover a subst ant ial neural pat hway. Realize t hat you and I can
condit ion any behavior wit hin ourselves if we do it wit h enough repet it ion and em ot ional int ensit y.
The next st ep is t o set up a schedule t o reinforce your new behavior. How can you reward yourself for
succeeding? Don't wait unt il you've gone a year wit hout sm oking. When you've gone a day , give
yourself a reward! Don't wait unt il you've lost eight y pounds. Don't even wait unt il you've lost a pound.
The m inut e you can push t he plat e away wit h food st ill on it , give yourself a pat on t he back. Set up a
series of short - t erm goals, or m ilest ones, and as you reach each one, im m ediat ely reward yourself. I f
you've been depr essed or worried, now each t im e you t ake act ion inst ead of worrying, or each t im e
you sm ile when som ebody asks how you're doing and you say, " Great ," give yourself a reward for
already beginning t o m ake t he changes necessary t o ensure your long- t erm success.
I n t his way, your nervous syst em learns t o link great pleasure t o change. People who want t o lose
weight don't always see im m ediat e result s—usually losing a couple of pounds doesn't m iraculously
t ransform you int o an Elle McPherson or a Mel Gibson. So it 's im port ant t o reward yourself as soon as
you t ake som e specific act ions or m ake any posit ive em ot ional progress, like choosing t o run around
t he block inst ead of running t o t he near est McDonald's. I f you don't , you m ay find yourself saying,
" Okay, I 've lost a pound so far, but I 'm st ill fat . This will t ake forever. I have such a long way t o go ..."
Then you m ight use t hese short - t erm assessm ent s as excuses t o binge. Underst anding t he power of
48
r e h e a r se MUSI K, THEATER proben
reinforcem ent will speed up t he process of condit ioning a new pat t ern. Recent ly I had t he pleasure of
reading an excellent book t hat I highly recom m end t o t hose who really want t o m ake a t horough st udy
of condit ioning. I t 's ent it led Don't Shoot t he Dog! by Karen Pryor. This book set s fort h som e sim ple
dist inct ions about m odifying anim al behavior t hat parallel m y own dist inct ions gained in years of
shaping hum an behavior.
What 's fascinat ing is how sim ilar anim als and hum ans are in t erm s of t he forces t hat drive our act ions.
Knowing t he fundam ent als of condit ioning enables us t o t ake cont rol of t hose forces and creat e t he
dest iny of our choice. We can live like anim als, m anipulat ed by circum st ances and t hose ar ound us—or
we can learn from t hese laws, using t hem t o m axim ize our fullest pot ent ial. Pryor discusses in her
book how she learned t o ut ilize pain t o t rain anim als for years: whips and a chair for lions, t he bridle
for horses, t he leash for dogs. But she ran int o difficult y when she began t o work wit h dolphins,
because when she t ried t o give t hem pain, t hey j ust swam away! This caused her t o develop a m ore
t horough underst anding of t he dynam ics of posit ive reinforcem ent t raining.
" There is not hing t raining cannot do. Not hing is above it s reach. I t can t urn bad m orals t o good; it can
dest roy bad principles and recreat e good ones; it can lift m en t o angelship."
MARK TWAI N
The first organizing principle of any t ype of " Success Condit ioning" is t he power of reinforcem ent . You
and I m ust know t hat in order t o get ourselves t o consist ent ly produce any behavior or em ot ion, we
m ust creat e a condit ioned pat t ern. All pat t erns ar e t he result of reinforcem ent ; specifically, t he key t o
creat ing consist ency in our em ot ions and behaviors is condit ioning.
TH E LAW OF REI N FORCEM EN T 4 9
Any pat t ern of em ot ion or behavior t hat is continually reinforced will becom e an aut om at ic and
condit ioned response. Anyt hing we fail t o reinforce will event ually dissipat e. We can reinforce our own
behavior or som eone else's t hrough posit ive reinforcem ent , t hat is, every t im e we produce t he
behavior we want , we give a reward. That reward can be praise, a gift , a new freedom , et c. Or we can
use negat ive reinforcem ent . This m ight be a frown, a loud noise, or even physical punishm ent . I t 's
crucial for us t o underst and t hat reinforcem ent is not t he sam e as punishm ent and reward.
Reinforcem ent is responding t o a behavior im m ediat ely aft er it occurs, while punishm ent and reward
m ay occur long aft erward.
Appropriat e t im ing is absolut ely crit ical t o effect ive condit ioning. I f a coach yells, " Great ! " when t he
basket ball t eam execut es a perfect pick- and- roll, it has a lot m ore im pact t han if he wait ed unt il t hey
debriefed lat er in t he locker room . Why? Because we always want t o link t he sensat ions of
reinforcem ent in t he pat t ern t hat is occurring. One of t he problem s wit h our j udicial syst em is t hat
when people com m it crim inal act s, t hey are som et im es not punished unt il years lat er. I nt ellect ually
49
r e in for ce m e n t Verst ärkung weiblich
t hey m ay know t he reason for t heir punishm ent , but t he pat t ern of behavior t hat generat ed t his
problem in t he first place is st ill int act —it has not been int errupt ed, nor does it have any pain linked
t o it .
This is t he only way t o t ruly change our behaviors and em ot ions long t erm . We m ust t rain our brains
t o do t he t hings t hat are effect ive, not int ellect ually but neurologically. The challenge, of course, is t hat
m ost of us don't realize t hat we're all condit ioning each ot her and shaping each ot her's behaviors
const ant ly. Oft en, we're condit ioning people negat ively inst ead of posit ively.
A sim ple exam ple of t his occurred wit h m y daught er Jolie's ex- boyfriend. Jolie was very busy wit h
school, dance, and a play she was in. He want ed her t o call him every single day, and when she
m issed a few days and t hen called him , he gave her t rem endous am ount s of pain. He clearly want ed
her t o call m ore frequent ly, yet his st rat egy for reinforcem ent was t o badger 50 and berat e her when
she did call.
Have you ever been guilt y of t his? I f you want your boyfriend, girl- friend, spouse, or significant ot her
t o call you m ore oft en, how effect ive do you t hink it would be t o nag t hem t o call? When t hey finally do
call, do you greet t hem wit h st at em ent s like, " Oh, so you finally picked up t he phone! Will wonders
never cease? Why do I always have t o be t he one who m akes t he call?" What you're doing is t raining
him or her not t o call you! You're giving pain right aft er t hey do t he very t hing you want . What will
happen as a result of t his? Pain will be linked t o calling you; he or she will avoid it even m ore in t he
fut ure. I n Jolie's case, t his pat t ern was cont inuous, going on for m ont hs unt il Jolie felt t hat she
couldn't win. I f she didn't call, she'd get pain. I f she did call, she'd get pain. As you m ight guess, t his
pat t ern of negat ive reinforcem ent perm eat ed 51 m any aspect s of t heir relat ionship and, event ually, t he
relat ionship ended.
I f you t ruly want som eone t o call you, t hen when t hey do call, you need t o respond wit h delight . I f you
t ell t hem how m uch you m iss t hem , how m uch you love t hem , how grat eful you are t o t alk wit h t hem ,
do you t hink t hat t hey'll be m ore inclined t o call again? Rem em ber, link pleasure t o any behavior you
want som eone t o repeat . I n m y consult ing wit h com panies across t he Unit ed St at es, I 've not ed t hat
m ost com panies t ry t o m ot ivat e t heir em ployees by using negat ive reinforcem ent as t heir prim ary
st rat egy, t rying t o use fear of punishm ent as it s prim e m ot ivat or. This will work in t he short t erm , but
not in t he long t erm . Sooner or lat er, com panies run int o t he sam e problem s t hat east ern Europe has:
people will live in fear only for so long before t hey revolt .
The second m aj or st rat egy com panies use is financial incent ives. While t his is an excellent idea and is
usually appreciat ed, t here is a lim it t o it s effect iveness. There is a point of dim inishing ret urn at which
all t he addit ional incent ives don't really induce a great er qualit y of work from people. I n fact , m ost
com panies find t hat t here's a lim it t o what t hey cando in t his area. I f one const ant ly reinforces wit h
m oney, people begin t o expect t hat when t hey do som et hing of great value, t hey m ust have an
im m ediat e econom ic ret urn. They begin t o work st rict ly for financial reward and won't do anyt hing
unless t hey get it , surpassing and st ripping t he capacit y of t he business t o keep up wit h t he econom ic
dem ands of it s em ployees.
50
51
ba dge r 1. ZOOLOGI E Dachs; 2. plagen, j em andem zuset zen
pe r m e a t e durchdringen; dr ingen ( int o in Akkusat iv; t hrough dur ch)
The t hird and m ost powerful way t o m ot ivat e people is t hrough personal developm ent . By helping your
em ployees t o grow and expand personally, t hey begin t o feel passionat e about life, people, and t heir
j obs. This m akes t hem want t o cont ribut e m ore. They do it out of a sense of personal pride rat her
t han pressur e from t he out side. This doesn't m ean you shouldn't have an incent ive program ; j ust
m ake sure you have t he m ost powerful incent ive of all, which is t o help people expand and grow.
" Good and ev il, reward and punishm ent , are t he only m ot ives t o a rat ional creat ure: t hese are t he spur
and reins whereby all m ankind are set on work, and guided."
JOHN LOCKE
SCH ED ULE YOUR REI N FORCEM EN T SO CH AN GE LASTS!
When you're beginning t o est ablish a new behavior or a new em ot ional pat t ern, it 's very im port ant t hat
you reinforce yourself or anyone else you're t rying t o est ablish t hese new pat t erns for. I n t he
beginning, every t im e you perform t he desired behavior ( for exam ple, pushing a plat e away wit h food
st ill on it ) , you need t o give yourself acknowledgem ent — pleasurable reinforcem ent of a t ype t hat you
t ruly will appreciat e and enj oy. However, if you reinforce t he behavior every t im e t hereaft er,
event ually your rewards will no longer be effect ive or appreciat ed. What at one t im e was a unique and
enj oyable surprise will becom e an expect ed norm .
Because of m y com m it m ent t o help t hose in need, whenever I go t hrough airport s, I invariably give t o
t hose who request m oney . I 'll never forget one part icular gent lem an who had st aked his claim in a
part icular spot in front of a t erm inal I frequent ed. Every t im e I cam e by, I gave him som e m oney. On
one m orning, I was very rushed and had no m oney in m y pocket . As I walked quickly by, I sm iled and
said, " Hello! I 'm sorry, but I don't have any m oney t oday." He becam e angry because I was no longer
giving him som et hing t hat he once was t hrilled t o receive from m e.
You and I need t o rem em ber t hat t he elem ent of pleasant surprise is one of t he m ost enj oyable
experiences t hat a hum an being can have. I t 's so m uch m ore im port ant t han m ost of us realize. This is
t he very reason why, if you want a behavior t o last long- t erm , it 's invaluable t hat you underst and and
ut ilize what 's known as a variable schedule of reinforcem ent .
Let m e give you a sim ple exam ple from dolphin t raining. I n t he beginning, t o t rain a dolphin t o j um p,
t rainers wait for t he dolphin t o j um p on it s own. They cat ch t he anim als doing som et hing right and
t hen reward it wit h a fish. By doing t his each t im e t he dolphin j um ps on it s own, t he dolphin event ually
m akes t he neuro- associat ion t hat if he j um ps, he'll get a fish. This pairing of pleasure t o a behavior
t hat t he t rainer desires allows t he t rainer t o condit ion t he dolphin t o j um p again and again.
Event ually, t hough, t he t rainer will give t he fish only when t he dolphin j um ps higher. By slowly raising
t he st andar ds, t he t rainer can shape t he dolphin's behavior. Here's t he key: if t he dolphin is always rewarded, he m ay becom e habit uat ed and will no longer give 100 percent . So, in t he fut ure, t he dolphin
is rewarded som et im es aft er t he first j um p or perhaps aft er t he fift h, or aft er t he second. A dolphin is
never sure which j um p will be rewarded. This sense of ant icipat ion t hat a reward m ay be given,
coupled wit h t he uncert aint y as t o which t ry will be rewarded, causes t he dolphin t o consist ent ly give
it s full effort . The reward is never t aken for grant ed.
This is t he ident ical force t hat drives people t o gam ble. Once t hey've gam bled and been r ewarded—
and linked int ense pleasur e t o t he reward—t hat excit em ent and ant icipat ion pushes t hem t o go
forward.
When t hey haven't been r ewarded in a while, oft en t hey have an even st ronger sense t hat t his t im e
t hey'll be rewarded. What drives t he gam bler is t he possibilit y of winning again. I f a person were t o
gam ble wit hout ever receiving a reward, t hey would give up. However, receiving j ust a few sm all
rewards, winning j ust a few hands, " earning" back j ust som e of t heir m oney, keeps t hem in a st at e of
ant icipat ion t hat t hey could hit t he j ackpot .
This is why people who discont inue a bad habit ( like sm oking or gam bling) for a period of m ont hs, and
t hen decide t o have " j ust one m ore hit ," are act ually reinforcing t he very pat t ern t hat t hey're t rying t o
break and m aking it m uch m ore difficult t o be free of t he habit for a lifet im e. I f you sm oke one m ore
cigaret t e, you're st im ulat ing your nervous syst em t o expect t hat in t he fut ure you'll reward yourself
t his way again. You're keeping t hat neuro- associat ion highly act ive and, in fact , st rengt hening t he very
habit you're t rying t o break!
I f you want t o reinforce a person's behavior long t erm , you m ay want t o ut ilize what 's known as a
fixed schedule of reinforcem ent . I n her book, Karen Pryor describes t raining a dolphin t o m ake t en
j um ps. I n order t o m ake sure t hat t he dolphin consist ent ly j um ps t en t im es, you'll want t o reward
t hem on t he t ent h j um p each and ever y t im e. You can't dem and t oo m any behaviors before
reinforcem ent occurs, but if t he dolphin is rewarded only on t he t ent h j um p, t he dolphin soon learns
t hat it does not need t o m ake as great an effort on t he previous nine j um ps, and qualit y declines.
This is t he sam e react ion we m ight see in people who receive a paycheck ever y t wo weeks. Em ployees
know t here are cert ain t hings expect ed of t hem , for which t hey receive regular com pensat ion. The
challenge is t hat m any people learn t o do only t he m inim um necessary t o receive t he reward because
t here is no surprise. I n t he workplace, pay is expect ed, of course. But if it is t he only reward, t hen
workers will do only what is expect ed and t he m inim um t hey can do for t he pay. However, if t here are
occasional surprises—like recognit ion, bonuses, pr om ot ions, and ot her perks—t hen t hey will put fort h
t he ext ra effort , in hopes and ant icipat ion t hat t hey'll be rewarded and acknowledged. Rem em ber,
t hese surprises m ust not be pr edict able, or t hey becom e ineffect ive and t aken for grant ed—t his
expect at ion will drive t he behavior.
Vary your rewards, and you'll see great er result s in m aking change wit hin yourself or anyone you're
m anaging. There is a t hird t ool for reinforcem ent t hat can also be used: it 's known as t he j ackpot . A
j ackpot can help you t o com pound t he reinforcem ent . I f, for exam ple, once in a rare while you give a
dolphin not only one fish, but t hree or four, for it s behavior, it m akes t he dolphin ant icipat e even m ore
t hat if it j ust put s out t hat ext ra effort , t here m ight be a huge r eward. This com pels t he dolphin t o
consist ent ly give m ore of it self.
Hum an beings respond sim ilarly. Oft en in com panies, when people are given a reward t hat 's m uch
great er t han ant icipat ed, it can creat e great m ot ivat ion t o cont inue t o give great service in t he fut ure
wit h t he ant icipat ion t hat t hey m ay receive an even great er reward. This sam e principle can work like
m agic wit h your children!
CREATE A " JUM P- START"
The j ackpot principle can also be used wit h som eone who's not m ot ivat ed t o produce any result s
what soever. Again, if dolphin t rainers have an anim al which t hey seem t o be unable t o m ot ivat e at all,
t hey will som et im es give it a dozen fish, even t hough it has done not hing t o earn it . The pleasure t hat
t his creat es is som et im es enough t o br eak t he dolphin's old pat t ern and put it int o a st at e of such
pleasure t hat it t hen becom es willing t o be t rained. Again, hum an beings are sim ilar. I f som eone who
seem s not t o have done anyt hing right is suddenly given a reward, j ust out of com passion and caring,
t his can st im ulat e t hem t o t ake on new levels and t ypes of behavior and perfor m ance.
The m ost im port ant t hing t o rem em ber about condit ioning, however, is t o reinforce t he desired
behavior im m ediat ely. The m inut e you find yourself responding playfully t o what used t o frust rat e you,
reinforce yourself. Do it again and creat e even m or e pleasure. Laugh a bit . Rem em ber, each t im e you
creat e a st rong em ot ional feeling, eit her posit ive or negat ive, you're creat ing a connect ion in your
nervous syst em . I f you repeat t hat pat t ern again and again, visualizing t he sam e im agery t hat m akes
you feel st rong or m akes you laugh, you'll find it easier t o be st rong or t o laugh in t he fut ure. The
pat t ern will be well est ablished.
The m inut e you, or anyone you want t o reinforce, does som et hing right , creat e an im m ediat e reward.
Reinforce it consist ent ly wit h t he kind of reward t hat you, or t hat individual, personally want or desire
m ost .
Give yourself t he em ot ional reward of t urning on your favorit e m usic or sm iling or seeing yourself
accom plishing your goals. Condit ioning is crit ical. This is how we produce consist ent result s. Once
again, rem em ber t hat any pat t ern of em ot ional behavior t hat is reinforced or rewarded on a consist ent
basis will becom e condit ioned and aut om at ic. Any pat t ern t hat we fail t o reinforce will event ually
dissipat e. Now t hat you've accom plished t he first five st eps, let 's go t o t he final st ep.. . .
NAC
MASTER STEP 6
Test I t !
Let 's review what you've accom plished: you've decided upon t he new pat t ern of em ot ion or behavior
t hat you desire; you've got t en leverage on yourself t o change it ; you've int errupt ed t he old pat t ern;
you've found a new alt ernat ive; and you've condit ioned it unt il it 's consist ent . The only st ep left is t o
t est it t o m ake sure t hat it 's going t o work in t he fut ure. One of t he ways of doing t his t hat 's t aught in
Neuro- Linguist ic Program m ing is " fut ure pacing." This m eans t hat you im agine t he sit uat ion t hat used
t o frust rat e you, for exam ple, and not ice if in fact it st ill m akes you feel frust rat ed or if your new
pat t ern of feeling " fascinat ed" has replaced it . I f norm ally you st ill have t his urge t o sm oke every t im e
you feel overwhelm ed, im agine yourself in an overwhelm ing sit uat ion and not ice if inst ead you have an
urge t o read or run or what ever new alt ernat ive you've condit ioned. By im agining t he sam e st im uli
t hat used t o t rigger your old em ot ion or behavior and not ing t hat you do feel cert ain t hat your new
em powering alt ernat ive is aut om at ic, you will know t hat t his new pat t ern will work for you in t he fut ure.
I n addit ion, you m ust t est t he ecology of t he change you've j ust m ade. The w ord " ecology" im plies t he
st udy of consequences. What will t he im pact of t hese changes y ou've m ade in yourself have on t hose
around you? Will t hey support your business and per sonal relat ionships? Make cert ain t hat t his new
pat t ern will be appropriat e, based on your current lifest yle, beliefs, and values.
On t he next page is a sim ple checklist t hat you can use t o help yourself be cert ain t hat your new
success pat t ern will last and t hat it 's appropriat e.
I f your at t em pt at creat ing t his pat t ern didn't last , you need t o recycle back t o St ep 1. Are you really
clear about what you want and why you want it ?
Review St ep 2; m ost people who've t ried unsuccessfully t o m ake a change usually don't have enough
leverage. You m ay need t o m ake a public com m it m ent in order t o get m ore leverage on yourself. Make
it t o t hose people who will not let you off t he hook!
I f you feel t hat t here's enough leverage, check Step 3: if you know what you want and you've got
enough leverage, it 's very possible t hat you're like t he fly beat ing it self repeat edly against t he window
pane. You've done t he sam e t hings over and over again, wit h m ore and m ore int ensit y, but you
haven't changed your approach. You m ust int errupt your pat t ern. I f you feel t hat all t hese st eps ar e in
place, go t o St ep 4. I f your effort s st ill have not produced a change, you're dearly dem onst rat ing t hat
you've left out t his st ep. Find a new, em powering alt ernat ive for get t ing yourself out of pain and int o
pleasure t hat is as powerful and convenient as your old approach was. All t his m eans is t hat you now
have an opport unit y t o explore being a lit t le m ore creat ive. Find a role m odel- som ebody else who's
been able t o elim inat e t his habit or negat ive set of em ot ions t hat you want t o change.
THE ECOLOGY CHECK
1. Make cert ain pain is fully associat ed wit h t he old pat t ern. When you t hink of your old behavior or
feelings, do you pict ure and feel t hings t hat are painful now inst ead of pleasurable?
2. Make cert ain pleasure is fully associat ed wit h t he new pat t ern. When you t hink of your new behavior
or feelings, do you pict ure and feel t hings t hat are pleasurable now inst ead of painful?
3. Align wit h your values, beliefs, and rules. I s t he new behavior or feeling consist ent wit h t he values,
beliefs, and rules in your life? ( We will discuss t hese in lat er chapt ers.)
4. Make sure t he benefit s of t he old pat t ern have been m aint ained. Will t he new behavior or feeling
st ill allow you t o get benefit s and feelings of pleasure t hat you used t o get from t he old pat t ern?
5. Fut ure pace—I m agine yourself behaving in t his new way in t he fut ure. I m agine t he t hing t hat would
have t riggered you t o adopt t he old pat t ern. Feel cert ain t hat you can use your new pat t ern inst ead of
t he old one.
I f you've st art ed t o m ake a change, but t hen not followed t hrough, you obviously haven't reinforced
your pat t ern wit h enough pleasure. Use St ep 5, condit ioning. Ut ilize bot h variable and fixed schedules
of reinforcem ent t o m ake sure t hat your new, em powering pat t er n last s. The six st eps of NAC can be
used for anyt hing: challenges wit h relat ionships, problem s in business, being st uck in a pat t ern of
yelling at your children. Let 's say you worry t oo m uch about t hings over which you have no cont rol.
How can you use t he six st eps t o change t his disem powering pat t ern?
1) Ask yourself, " What do I want t o do inst ead of worry?"
2) Get leverage on yourself and realize what worry does t o dest roy your life. Bring it t o a t hreshold;
see what it would cost you ult im at ely in your life so t hat you're not willing t o pay t hat price anym ore.
I m agine t he j oy of get t ing t his m onkey off your back and being t ruly free once and for all!
3) I nt errupt t he pat t ern! Every t im e you worry, break t he pat t ern by being t ot ally out rageous. St ick
your finger up your nose, or belt out "Oh, What a Beaut iful Morning! " at t he t op of your lungs.
4) Creat e an em powering alt ernat ive. What will you do inst ead of worry? Pull out your j ournal and
writ e down a plan of what you can do im m ediat ely inst ead. Maybe you can go for a run, and while
you're running, you can t hink of new solut ions.
5) Condit ion t he new pat t ern; vividly im agine and rehearse t his new pat t ern wit h t rem endous
em ot ional int ensit y and repet it ion unt il t his new t hought , behavior or em ot ional pat t ern is aut om at ic.
Reinforce yourself by t aking t he first st ep: see yourself succeeding again and again. Seeing
t he result s in advance can give you t he pleasure you desire. Again, use repet it ion and em ot ional
int ensit y t o condit ion t he new pat t ern unt il it 's consist ent .
6) Test it and see if it works. Think about t he sit uat ion t hat used t o worry you, and see t hat you no
longer worry in t his sit uat ion. You can even use t hese sam e six m ast er st eps of NAC t o negot iat e a
cont ract .
1) The first st ep is t o lay t he groundwork. Get clear about what you want and what has prevent ed you
from get t ing it . What does t he ot her person want ? What 's in it for bot h of you? How will you know you
have a successful cont ract ?
2) Get leverage by get t ing t hat person t o link pain t o not m aking t he deal, and pleasure t o m aking it .
3) I nt errupt t he pat t ern of any belief or idea t hat 's keeping t he deal from m oving ahead.
4) Creat e an alt ernat ive t hat neit her of you t hought of before t hat will m eet bot h your needs.
5) Reinforce t hat alt ernat ive by const ant ly reinforcing t he pleasure and t he posit ive im pact of t his
alt ernat ive.
6) See if it 's going t o work out for everybody, a win- win sit uat ion. I f so, negot iat e t o a successful
conclusion.
The sam e principles can be used t o get t he kids t o clean t heir room s, im prove t he qualit y of your
m arriage, boost your com pany's level of qualit y, get m ore enj oym ent out of your j ob, and m ake your
count ry a bet t er place t o live.
By t he way, som et im es our kids use t hese sam e six st eps on us in abbreviat ed form . Rem em ber what
I said: if you get enough leverage and int errupt som ebody's pat t ern st rongly enough, t hey'll find a new
pat t ern and condit ion it . A friend of m ine t ried alm ost everyt hing he knew t o st op sm oking. Finally his
pat t ern was broken. How? His six- year- old daught er walked in one day while he was light ing up. She
knew what she want ed, she had m assive leverage, and she int errupt ed his pat t ern by crying, " Daddy,
please st op k illing yourself! "
" Honey," he said, " what are you t alking about ? What 's wrong?" She repeat ed herself. He said, " Honey,
I 'm not killing m yself." She nodded her head, point ed t o t he cigaret t e and sobbed, " Daddy, please st op
killing yourself! I want you t o be t here .. . when I get m - a- r- r- i- e- d..."
This was a m an who'd t ried t o quit dozens of t im es, and not hing had worked—unt il t hen. The
cigaret t es were out t he door t hat day, and he hasn't sm oked since. Wit h his heart st rings firm ly
grasped in her t iny hands, she inst ant ly got what she want ed. Since t hen he's found m any alt ernat ives
t o sm oking t hat give him t he sam e pleasurable sensat ions.
I f all you do is t he first t hree st eps of NAC, t hat m ay be enough t o creat e t rem endous change. Once
you've decided what you want , gained leverage, and int errupt ed t he pat t ern, life oft en provides you
wit h new ways of looking at t hings. And if t he leverage is st rong enough, you'll be com pelled t o find a
new pat t ern and condit ion it —and you can pret t y m uch count on t he world t o give you t he t est . Now
you have t he NAC of change! The key is t o use it . But you won't unless you know what you're using it
for. You've got t o know what you t ruly desire; you m ust find ...
7
HOW TO GET WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
" All em ot ions are pure which gat her you and lift you
up; t hat em ot ion is im pure which seizes only one
side of your being and so dist ort s you."
t I AlKTCD 1JADTA 0 I 1 V C
RAI NER MARI A R1LKE
" Gim m e m y first at t ack." * Elvis Presley always called for his first hit t his way, fulfilling a bizarre daily
rit ual designed t o m ake sure t he King of Heart break Hot el got t o sleep aft er a st renuous night
perform ing. Elvis's assist ant would open t he first envelope and give him " t he usual" : a rainbow- colored
assort m ent of barbit urat es ( Am yt al, Carbrit al, Nem but al or Seconal) , Quaaludes, Valium , and Placidyl,
followed by t hree shot s of Dem erol inj ect ed j ust below his bare shoulder blades.
Before he went t o sleep, Elvis's kit chen st aff, which was on dut y around t he clock, would go t o work. I t
t hen becam e a race t o see how m uch food t he King could consum e before falling asleep. Typically,
he'd eat t hree cheeseburgers and six or seven banana split s before nodding off 52 . Oft en, his assist ant s
would have t o dislodge food from his windpipe t o keep him from choking t o deat h. Elvis would t hen
sleep for about four hours before st irring 53 .
So groggy 54 t hat he had t o be carried t o t he bat hroom , he would m ake his second request by feebly 55
t ugging 56 at his assist ant 's shin 57 . Elvis was unable t o t ake t he drugs him self, so t he aide would pop
t he pills int o his m out h, and carefully pour wat er down his t hroat . Elvis was rarely able t o ask for t he
t hird at t ack. I nst ead, as a m at t er of rout ine, an aide would adm inist er t he dosage and let him cont inue
t o sleep unt il m id- aft ernoon, when t he bloat ed 58 King would j um p- st art his body by popping Dexedrine
and st uffing cocaine- soaked 59 swabs60 up his nose before t aking t o t he st age again.
On t he day of his deat h, Elvis rem ained lucid and saved all of t he " at t acks" for one fat al dose. Why
would a m an, so universally adored by fans and seem ing t o have it all, regularly abuse his body and
t hen t ake his own life in such a horrific way? According t o David St anley, Elvis's half brot her, it was
because he m uch preferr ed being drugged and num b t o being conscious and m iserable.
52
n od 1. ( - dd- ) nick en ( m it ) ; nod off einnick en; have a nodding acquaint ance w it h som eone j em anden flücht ig
kennen; 2. Nicken sächlich
53
st ir 1. ( - rr - ) ( um ) r ühren; ( sich) rühren oder bewegen; übert ragen j em anden aufwühlen; st ir up Unr uhe st ift en;
St reit ent fachen; Er innerungen wachr ufen; 2. give som et hing a st ir et w as ( um ) rühr en; cause a st ir , cr eat e a st ir
für Aufsehen sorgen
54
gr oggy um gangssprachlich ( - ier, - iest ) gr oggy, schwach oder wackelig ( auf den Beinen)
55
fe e ble ( feebler, feeblest ) schwach
56
t u g 1. ( - gg- ) zerren oder ziehen ( an Dat iv oder at an Dat iv) ; 2. give som et hing a t ug zerren oder ziehen an
( Dat iv)
57
sh in 1. auch shinbone ANATOMI E Schienbein; 2. ( - nn- ) : shin up ( down) Baum und so weit er hinauf( her unt er) klet t ern
58
bloa t e d ( an) geschwollen, ( auf) gedunsen; übert ragen aufgeblasen
59
soa k einweichen ( in in Dat iv) ; dur chnässen; soak up aufsaugen; int ransit ives Verb sickern; leav e t he dirt y
clot hes t o soak weichen Sie die Schm ut zwäsche ein
Unfort unat ely it 's not difficult t o t hink of ot her fam ous figures—people at t he t op of t heir professions in
t he art s and business—who also brought about t heir own dem ise, eit her direct ly or indirect ly. Think of
writ ers like Ernest Hem ingway and Sylvia Plat h, act ors like William Holden and Freddie Prinze, singers
like Mam a Cass Elliot and Janis Joplin. What do t hese people have in com m on? First , t hey're no longer
here, and we all experienced t he loss. Second, t hey were all sold a bill of goods t hat said, " Som eday,
som eone, som ehow, som et hing . . . and t hen I 'll be happy." But when t hey achieved success, when
t hey arrived on Easy St reet and got a first hand look at t he Am erican Dream , t hey found t hat happiness
st ill eluded t hem . So t hey cont inued t o chase it , keeping t he pain of exist ence at bay by drinking,
sm oking, overeat ing, unt il finally t hey got t he oblivion 61 t hey craved 62 . They nev er discovered t he t rue
source of happiness.
What t hese people dem onst rat ed is som et hing all t oo fam iliar t o so m any people: 1) They didn't know
what t hey really want ed out of life, so t hey dist ract ed t hem selves wit h a variet y of art ificial m ood
alt erant s. 2) They developed not j ust neurological pat hways, but expressways t o pain. And t heir
habit s were driving t hem down t hese highways On a regular basis. Despit e achieving t he levels of
success t hey'd once only dream ed of, and despit e being surrounded by t he love and adm irat ion of
m illions of fans, t hey had far m ore references for pain. They becam e quit e adept at generat ing it
quickly and easily because t hey'd m ade virt ual t runk lines t o it . 3) They didn't know how t o m ake
t hem selves feel good. They had t o t urn t o som e out side force t o help t hem deal wit h t he present . 4)
They never learned t he nut s and bolt s of how t o consciously direct t he focus of t heir own m inds. They
allowed t he pain and pleasure of t heir environm ent s t o cont rol t hem rat her t han t aking cont rol
t hem selves. Now, cont rast t hese st ories wit h a let t er I received recent ly from a wom an who ut ilized
m y work t o ut t erly 63 and com plet ely change t he qualit y of her life:
Dear Tony,
I had been severely abused m y ent ire life from infancy unt il t he deat h of m y second husband. As a
result of t he abuse and severe t raum a, I developed a m ent al illness known as Mult iple Personalit y
Disorder wit h fort y- nine different personalit ies. None of m y personalit ies knew about t he ot hers, or
what had happened in each of t heir lives.
The only relief I had in fort y- nine years of living as a m ult iple was in t he form of self- dest ruct ive
behavior. I know it sounds st range, but self- m ut ilat ion used t o give relief. Aft er one of m y m any
at t em pt s at suicide, 1 was sent t o t he hospit al and put under a doct or's care. I n order t o int egrat e t he
personalit ies, I had t o go back t o t he original t raum a t hat creat ed each personalit y. That t raum a had
t o be rem em bered, relived, and felt . Each of m y alt ers handled a specific funct ion, a select ive abilit y t o
rem em ber, and usually a single em ot ional t one. I worked wit h an expert in t he field of MPD, and he
helped m e t o int egrat e all fort y- nine personalit ies int o one. What kept m e going t hrough all of t he
different processes we used was feeling t hat m any of m y people were very unhappy and m y life had
becom e so chaot ic ( one alt er did not know what t he ot her was doing, and we found ourselves in all
kinds of sit uat ions and places t hat when I swit ched, I had no m em ory of) . We t hought t hat by
60
sw a b MEDI ZI N 1. Tupfer; Abst r ich; 2. ( - bb- ) Wunde abt upfen
oblivion Vergessen( heit )
62
cr a ve sich sehnen ( for, aft er nach)
63
u t t e r 1 t ot al, völlig
61
becom ing one we would be happy—t he ult im at e goal. That was m y m isconcept ion. What a shocker! I
lived a year of hell. I found m yself very unhappy and grieving for each of m y personalit ies. I m issed
each of m y people and som et im es want ed t hem back t he way t hey were. This was very difficult , and I
m ade t hree m ore at t em pt s at suicide t hat year, and again was adm it t ed t o a hospit al.
During t he past year, I happened t o see your progr am on TV and order ed your t hirt y- day t ape series.
Personal Power. I list ened t o t hem over and over, grasping at anyt hing t hat I could use. My
breakt hrough cam e when I st art ed t o list en t o your m ont hly POWERTALKs. I learned t hings from you
as a single being t hat I never learned as a m ult iple. I learned for t he first t im e in fift y years t hat
happiness com es from wit hin. As a single being I now have t he m em ories of t he horrors t hat each of
t he fort y- nine endured. When t hese m em ories com e up I can look at t hem , and if t hey becam e
overbearing, I can now change m y point of focus as I learned from you, and not in a dissociat ive way
as I had done before. No longer do I have t o put m yself in an am nesiac t rance and swit ch t o anot her
person. I am learning m ore and m ore about m yself, and am learning how t o live as a single being. I
know t hat I have a long way t o go and a lot of exploring t o do. I am sort ing out m y goals and planning
how t o get t here, for now, I have begun t o lose weight and plan t o be at goal weight for Christ m as ( a
nice gift t o m e) . I also know t hat I would like t o have a healt hy, nonabusive relat ionship wit h a m an.
Previous t o m y hospit al adm it t ance, I worked full- t im e for I BM and had four businesses. Today, I am
running a new business and am enj oying t he increased sales I have been able t o realize since m y
release from t he hospit al. I am get t ing t o know m y children and grandchildren, but m ost im port ant ly,
I 'm get t ing t o know m e."
Sincerely,
Elizabet h Piet rzak
W H AT D O YOU W AN T?
Ask yourself what you t ruly want in life. Do you want a loving m arriage, t he respect of your children?
Do you want plent y of m oney, fast cars, a t hriving business, a house on t he hill? Do you want t o t ravel
t he world, visit exot ic port s of call, see hist orical landm arks first hand? Do you want t o be idolized by
m illions as a rock m usician or as a celebrit y wit h your st ar on Hollywood Boulevard? Do you want t o
leave your m ark for post erit y as t he invent or of a t im e t ravel m achine? Do you want t o work wit h
Mot her Teresa t o save t he world, or t ake a proact ive role in m aking a m easur able im pact
environm ent ally?
What ever you desire or crave, perhaps you should ask yourself, "Why do I want t hese t hings?" Don't
you want fine cars, for exam ple, because you really desire t he feelings of accom plishm ent and prest ige
you t hink t hey would bring? Why do you want a great fam ily life? I s it because you t hink it will give
you feelings of love, int im acy, connect ion, or warm t h? Do you want t o save t he world because of t he
feelings of cont ribut ion and m aking a difference you believe t his will give you? I n short , t hen, isn't it
t rue t hat what you really want is sim ply t o change t he way you fed? What it all com es down t o is t he
u t t e r 2 äußern, Seufzer und so weit er ausst oßen, Wort sagen
fact t hat you want t hese t hings or result s because you see t hem as a m eans t o achieving cert ain
feelings, em ot ions, or st at es t hat you desire.
When som ebody kisses you, what m akes you feel good in t hat m om ent ? I s it wet t issue t ouching wet
t issue t hat really t riggers t he feeling? Of course not ! I f t hat 's t rue, kissing your dog would t urn you on!
All of our em ot ions are not hing but a flurry of biochem ical st orm s in our brains—and we can spark
t hem at any m om ent . But first we m ust learn how t o t ake cont rol of t hem consciously inst ead of living
in react ion. Most of our em ot ional responses are learned responses t o t he environm ent . We've
deliberat ely m odeled som e of t hem , and st um bled across ot hers.
Sim ply being aware of t hese fact ors is t he foundat ion for underst anding t he power of st at e. Wit hout a
doubt , everyt hing you and I do, we do t o avoid pain or gain pleasure, but we can inst ant ly change
what we believe will lead t o pain or pleasure by redirect ing our focus and changing our m ent alem ot ional- physiological st at es. As I said in Chapt er 3 of Unlim it ed Power:
A st at e can be defined as t he sum of m illions of neurological processes happening wit hin us—t he sum
t ot al of our experience at any m om ent in t im e. Most of our st at es happen wit hout any conscious
direct ion on our pan. We see som et hing, and we respond t o it by going int o a st at e. I t m ay be a
resourceful and useful st at e, or an unresourceful and lim it ing st at e, but t here's not m uch t hat m ost of
us do t o cont rol it .
Have you ever found yourself unable t o rem em ber a friend's nam e? Or how t o spell a " difficult " word
like .. . " house" ? How com e you weren't able t o do t his? You cert ainly knew t he answer. I s it because
you're st upid? No, it 's because you were in a st upid st at e! The difference bet w een act ing badly or
brilliant ly is not based on your abilit y, but on t he st at e of your m ind and/ or body in any given m om ent .
You can be gift ed wit h t he courage and det erm inat ion of Marva Collins, t he grace and flair of Fred
Ast aire, t he st rengt h and endurance of Nolan Ryan, t he com passion and int ellect of Albert Einst ein—
but if you cont inually subm erge yourself in negat ive st at es, you'll never fulfill t hat prom ise of
excellence.
However, if you know t he secret of accessing your m ost resourceful st at es, you can lit erally work
wonders. The st at e t hat you're in at any given m om ent det erm ines your percept ions of realit y and t hus
your decisions and behavior. I n ot her words, your behavior is not t he result of your abilit y, but of t he
st at e t hat you're in at t his m om ent . To change your abilit y, change your st at e. To open up t he
m ult it ude of resources t hat lie wit hin you, put yourself in a st at e of resourcefulness and act ive
expect ancy—and wat ch m iracles happen!
So how can we change our own em ot ional st at es? Think of your st at es as operat ing a lot like a TV set .
I n order t o have " bright , vivid color wit h incredible sound," you need t o plug in and t urn on. Turning on
your physiology is like giving t he set t he elect ricit y it needs t o operat e. I f you don't have t he j uice,
you'll have no pict ure, no sound, j ust a blank screen. Sim ilarly, if you don't t urn on by using your
ent ire body, in ot her words, your physiology, you m ay indeed find yourself unable t o spell " house."
Have you ever woken up and st um bled around, not able t o t hink clearly or funct ion unt il you m oved
around enough t o get your blood flowing?
Once t he " st at ic" has cleared, you're t urned on, and t he ideas begin t o flow. I f you're in t he wrong
st at e, you're not going t o get any recept ion, even if you've got t he right ideas. Of course, once you're
plugged in, you've got t o be t uned t o t he right channel t o get what you really want . Ment ally, you've
got t o focus on what em powers you. What ever you focus on—what ever you t une in t o—you will feel
m ore int ensely. So if you don't like what you're doing, m aybe it 's t im e t o change t he channel.
There ar e unlim it ed sensat ions, unlim it ed ways of looking at virt ually anyt hing in life. All of t he
sensat ions t hat you want are available all of t he t im e, and all you've got t o do is t o t une in t o t he right
channel. There are t wo pr im ary ways, t hen, t o change your em ot ional st at e: by changing t he way you
use your physical body, or by changing your focus.
PH YSI OLOGY: TH E POW ER OF M OVEM EN T
One of t he m ost powerful dist inct ions t hat I 've m ade in t he last t en years of m y life is sim ply- t his:
Em ot ion is creat ed by m ot ion. Everyt hing t hat we feel is t he result of how we use our bodies. Even t he
m ost m inut e changes in our facial expressions or our gest ures will shift t he way t hat we're feeling in
any m om ent , and t herefor e t he way we evaluat e our lives—t he way we t hink and t he way we act .
Try som et hing ridiculous wit h m e for a second. Pret end you're a rat her bored and hum orless
sym phony conduct or rhyt hm ically swinging your arm s in and out . Do it very s- l- o- w- l- y. Don't get t oo
excit ed; j ust do it as a m at t er of r- o- u- t - i- n- e and m ake sure your face reflect s a st at e of boredom .
Not ice how t hat feels. Now t ake your hands, clap t hem t oget her explosively, and SNAP t hem back out
as fast as you can wit h a big, silly grin on your face! I nt ensify t his by adding t he vocal m ovem ent of an
out rageously loud and explosive sound—t he m ovem ent of air t hrough your chest , t hroat , and m out h
will change how you feel even m ore radically. That m ot ion and speed you've creat ed, bot h in your
body and your vocal chords, will inst ant ly change t he way you feel.
Every em ot ion you ever feel has specific physiology linked t o it : post ure, breat hing, pat t erns of
m ovem ent , facial expressions. For depr ession, t hese are cert ainly obvious. I n Unlim it ed Power, I t alked
about t he physical at t ribut es of depr ession, where your eyes are focused, how you hold yourself, and
so fort h. Once you learn how you use your body when in cert ain em ot ional st at es, you can ret urn t o
t hose st at es, or avoid t hem , sim ply by changing your physiology. The challenge is t hat m ost of us
lim it ourselves t o j ust a few habit ual pat t erns of physiology. We assum e t hem aut om at ically, not
realizing how great a role t hey play in shaping our behavior from m om ent t o m om ent .
We each hav e over eight y different m uscles in our faces, and if t hese m uscles get accust om ed t o
expressing depression, boredom , or frust rat ion, t hen t his habit ual m uscular pat t ern lit erally begins t o
dict at e our st at es, not t o m ent ion our physical charact er. I always have people in m y Dat e Wit h
Dest iny™ sem inar writ e down all t he em ot ions t hey feel in an average week, and out of t he m yriad
possibilit ies, I 've found t hat t he average is less t han a dozen. Why? Because m ost people have lim it ed
pat t erns of physiology t hat result in lim it ed pat t erns of expression.
TYPES OF EMOTI ONS AN I NDI VI DUAL MI GHT FEEL I N A WEEK
St ressed out
Frust rat ed
Angry
I nsecure
Lonely
Bored
Miserable
Happy
Relieved
Loved
Excit ed
Joyous
This is such a short m enu of em ot ional choices when you consider t he t housands of ent icing st at es
available. Take care not t o lim it yourself t o such a short list ! I suggest you t ake advant age of t he
whole buffet —t ry new t hings and cult ivat e a refined palat e. How about experiencing m ore ent husiasm ,
fascinat ion, cheerfulness, playfulness, int rigue, sensualit y, desire, grat it ude, enchant m ent , curiosit y,
creat ivit y, capabilit y, confidence, out rageousness, boldness, considerat ion, kindness, gent leness,
hum or . . . Why not com e up wit h a long list of your own?
You can experience any of t hese j ust by changing t he way you use your body! You can feel st rong, you
can sm ile, you can change anyt hing in a m inut e j ust by laughing. You've hear d t he old adage,
" Som eday you'll look back on t his and laugh." I f t hat 's t rue, why not look back and laugh now? Why
wait ? Wake your body up; learn t o put it in pleasurable st at es consist ent ly no m at t er what 's happened.
How? Creat e energy by t he way you t hink of som et hing over and over again, and you'll change t he
sensat ions you link t o t hat sit uat ion in t he fut ure.
I f you repeat edly use your body in weak ways, if you drop your shoulders on a regular basis, if you
walk around like you're t ired, you will feel t ired. How could you do ot herwise? Your body leads your
em ot ions. The em ot ional st at e you're in t hen begins t o affect your body, and it becom es a sort of
endless loop. Not ice how you're sit t ing even now. Sit up right now and creat e m ore energy in your
body as you cont inue not only t o read but also t o m ast er t hese principles.
What are som e t hings you can do im m ediat ely t o change your st at e and t herefore how you feel and
how you perform ? Take deep breat hs in t hrough your nose and exhale st rongly t hrough your m out h.
Put a huge gr in on your face and sm ile at your children. I f you really want t o change your life, com m it
for t he next seven days t o spending one m inut e five t im es a day, grinning from ear t o ear in t he m irror.
This will feel incredibly st upid, but rem em ber, by t his physical act , you will be const ant ly t riggering t his
part of your brain and creat ing a neuro- logical pat hway t o pleasure t hat will becom e habit ual. So do it ,
and m ake it fun!
Bet t er yet , go out for a skip 64 inst ead of a j og. Skipping is such a powerful way t o change your st at e
because it does four t hings: 1) I t 's gr eat exercise; 2) you'll have less st ress on your body t han running;
64
sk ip 1. ( - pp- ) int ransit iv es Verb hüpfen, springen; seilhüpfen, - spr ingen; t ransit ives Verb et was überspringen,
auslassen; 2. Hüpfer m ännlich
3) you won't be able t o keep a serious look on your face; and 4) you'll ent ert ain everybody who's
driving by! So you'll be changing ot her people's st at es, t oo, by m aking t hem laugh.
What a powerful t hing laught er is! My son Joshua has a friend nam ed Mat t who finds it so easy t o
laugh t hat it 's infect ious, and everyone who hears him st art s laughing, t oo. I f you really want t o
im prove your life, learn t o laugh. Along wit h your five sm iles each day, m ake yourself laugh
for no reason at all, t hree t im es each day for seven days.
I n a recent poll conduct ed by Ent ert ainm ent Weekly m agazine, t hey found t hat 82 percent of t he
people who go t o m ovies want t o laugh, 7 percent want t o cry, and 3 per cent want t o scream . This
gives you an idea how we value t he sensat ions of laught er over so m any ot her t hings. And if you've
read Norm an Cousins's books, or Dr. Deepak Chopr a's, or Dr. Bernie Siegel's, or st udied
psychoneuroim m unology at all, you know what laught er can do t o t he physical body t o st im ulat e t he
im m une syst em .
Why not find som ebody w ho laughs and m irror t hem ? Have som e fun. Say, " Will you do m e a favor?
You've got a great laugh. Let m e t ry and duplicat e it . Coach m e." I guarant ee you'll crack each ot her
up in t he process! Breat he t he way t hey breat he; t ake on t heir post ure and body m ovem ent s; use t he
sam e facial expressions; m ake t he sam e sounds.
You'll feel st upid when you st art , but aft er a while you'll get int o it , and you'll bot h be laughing
hyst erically because you bot h look so silly. But in t he process, you'll begin t o lay t he neurological
net working t o creat e laught er on a regular basis. As you do t his again and again, you'll find it
very easy t o laugh and you'll cert ainly have fun.
" We know t oo m uch and feel t oo lit t le. At least we feel t oo lit t le of t hose creat ive em ot ions from which
a good life springs."
BERTRAND RUSSELL
Anyone can cont inue t o feel good if t hey already feel good, or if t hey're " on a roll" ; it doesn't t ake
m uch t o accom plish t his. But t he real key in life is t o be able t o m ake yourself feel good when you
don't fed good, or when you don't even want t o feel good. Know t hat you can do t his inst ant aneously
by using your body as a t ool t o change st at e. Once you ident ify t he physiology at t ached t o a st at e, you
can use it t o creat e t he st at es you desire at will. Years ago, I worked wit h John Denver, a m an who
im presses m e not only wit h his m usical abilit y but also because his privat e persona is absolut ely in line
wit h his public im age. The reason he's succeeded is so clear; he's such an incredibly warm and caring
m an.
The reason I was working wit h him was t hat he was experiencing writ er's block. We ident ified t he
t im es when he wrot e his best songs, and discovered t hat t heir inspirat ion had com e t o him when he
was doing som et hing physical. Usually an ent ire song would flow t hrough him aft er he'd skied down a
m ount ain, flown his j et or his biplane, or driven his sport s car at high speeds. Usually speed was
involved, and t he physical adrenaline rush, along wit h t he experience of focusing on t he beaut y of
nat ure, were all a m aj or part of his creat ive st rat egy. At t he t im e, he was experiencing a few
frust rat ions in som e areas of his life and had not been involved in t he sam e int ense out door act ivit y.
Just by m aking t his change and get t ing back int o a st rong physiology, he was able t o rest or e t he
cert aint y and flow of his creat ivit y im m ediat ely. You and I have t he capacit y t o m ake changes like t his
at any t im e. Just by changing our physiology, we can change our level of perform ance. Our capabilit y
is always t here, and what we've got t o do is put ourselves int o st at es where it is accessible.
The key t o success, t hen, is t o creat e pat t erns of m ovem ent t hat creat e confidence, a sense of
st rengt h, flexibilit y, a sense of personal power, and fun. Realize t hat st agnat ion com es from lack of
m ovem ent . Can you t hink of an old person, som eone who doesn't " get around m uch anym ore" ?
Get t ing old is not a m at t er of age; it 's a lack of m ovem ent . And t he ult im at e lack of m ovem ent is
deat h. I f you see children w alking along t he sidew alk aft er a rain, and t here's a puddle in front of t hem ,
what are t hey going t o do when t hey get t o t hat puddle? They're going t o j um p in! They're going t o
laugh, splash around, and have a good t im e. What does an older person do? Walk around it ? No, t hey
won't j ust walk around it —t hey'll com plain t he whole t im e! You want t o live different ly. You want t o
live wit h a spring in your st ep, a sm ile on your face. Why not m ake cheerfulness, out rageousness,
playfulness a new priorit y for yourself? Make feeling good your ex pect at ion.
You don't have t o have a reason t o feel good—you're alive; you can feel good/ or no reason at all!
FOCUS: TH E POW ER OF CON CEN TRATI ON
I f you want ed t o, couldn't you get depr essed at a m om ent 's not ice? You bet you could, j ust by focusing
on som et hing in your past t hat was horrible. We all have som e experience in our past t hat 's pret t y bad,
don t we? I f you focus on it enough, and you pict ure it and t hink about it , pret t y soon you'll st art t o
feel it . Have you ever gone t o an awful m ovie?
Would you go back t o t hat awful m ovie hundreds of t im es? Of course not . Why? Because it
wouldn't / eel good t o do t his! Then why would you go back t o t he awful m ovies in your head on a
regular basis? Why wat ch yourself in your least favorit e roles, playing against your least favorit e
leading lady or m an? Why play out business disast ers or bad car eer decisions again and again? Of
course, t hese " B" m ovies are not lim it ed only t o your past experience. You can focus on som et hing
right now t hat you t hink you're m issing out on, and feel bad. Bet t er yet , you can focus on som et hing
t hat hasn't even happened yet , and feel bad about it in advance! Though you m ay laugh at t his now,
unfort unat ely t hat 's what m ost of us do day t o day.
I f you want ed t o feel like you were in ecst asy right now, could you? You could do t his j ust as easily.
Could you focus on or rem em ber a t im e when you were in absolut e, t ot al ecst asy? Could you focus on
how your body felt ? Could you rem em ber it wit h such vivid det ail t hat you are fully associat ed t o t hose
feelings again? You bet you could. Or you could focus on t hings you're ecst at ic about in your life right
now, on what you feel is great in your life. And again, you could focus on t hings t hat haven't
happened yet , and feel good about t hem in advance. This is t he power t hat goals offer and why we'll
be focusing on t hem in Chapt er 12.
W H ATEVER W E FOCUS ON BECOM ES OUR I D EA OF REALI TY
The t rut h is t hat very few t hings are absolut e. Usually, how you feel about t hings, and t he m eaning of
a part icular experience, is all dependent upon your focus. Elizabet h, t he wom an wit h Mult iple
Personalit y Disorder, had been in pain const ant ly. Her escape rout e was t o creat e a new personalit y for
each incident t hat had t o be handled em ot ionally. I t allowed her t o change her focus by seeing t he
problem t hrough " som ebody else's" eyes. Yet she st ill felt pain even aft er int egrat ion. I t wasn't unt il
she learned how t o cont rol her st at e by consciously changing her physiology and her focus t hat she
was able t o t ake cont rol of her life.
Focus is not t rue realit y, because it 's one view; it 's only one percept ion of t he way t hings really are.
Think of t hat view—t he power of our focus—as being a cam era lens. The cam era lens shows only t he
pict ure and angle of what you are focused on. Because of t hat , phot ographs you t ake can easily dist ort
realit y, present ing only a sm all port ion of t he big pict ure.
Suppose you went t o a part y wit h your cam era, and you sat in one com er, focused on a gr oup of
people who were arguing. How would t hat part y be represent ed? I t would be pict ured as an unpleasant ,
frust rat ing part y where no one had a good t im e and everyone w as fight ing. And it 's im port ant for us t o
rem em ber t hat how we represent t hings in our m inds will det erm ine how we feel. But what if you were
t o focus your cam era on anot her end of t he room where people were laughing and t elling j okes and
having a great t im e? I t would be shown t o have been t he best part y of all, wit h everyone get t ing along
fam ously!
This is why t here is so m uch t urm oil over " unaut horized" biographies: t hey are only one person's
percept ion of anot her's life. And oft en, t his view is offered by people whose j ealousy gives t hem a
vest ed int erest in dist ort ing t hings. The problem is, t he biography's view is lim it ed only t o t he aut hor's
" cam era angle," and we all know t hat cam eras dist ort realit y, t hat a close- up can m ake t hings look
bigger t han t hey really are.
And when m anipulat ed expert ly, a cam era can m inim ize or blur im port ant par t s of t he realit y. To
paraphrase Ralph Waldo Em erson, each of us sees in ot hers what we carry in our own heart s.
M EAN I N G I S OFTEN A M ATTER OF FOCUS
I f you've scheduled a business m eet ing, and som eone is not t here on t im e, how you feel is based
st rict ly on what you focus on. Do you represent in your m ind t hat t he reason t hey are not t here is t hat
t hey don't care, or do you int erpret it as t heir having great difficult ies in get t ing t o t he m eet ing?
Whichever you focus on will definit ely affect your em ot ions. What it you were upset wit h t hem , and t he
real reason t hey were lat e is t hat t hey were fight ing t o get a bet t er bid on t he business pr oposal t hey
were bringing you? Rem em ber, what ever we focus on will det erm ine how we feel. Maybe we shouldn't
j um p t o conclusions; we should choose what t o focus on very carefully.
Focus det erm ines whet her you perceive your realit y as good or bad, whet her you feel happy or sad. A
fant ast ic m et aphor for t he power of focus is racing cars—a real passion for m e. Driving a Form ula race
car can som et im es m ake flying a j et helicopt er seem like a very relaxing exper ience! I n a race car you
cannot allow your focus t o wander even for a m om ent from your out com e. Your at t ent ion can't be
lim it ed t o where you are; neit her can it be st uck in t he past or fixed t oo far in t he fut ure. While
rem aining fully aware of where you are, you have t o be ant icipat ing what 's about t o happen in t he
near fut ure.
This was one of t he first lessons I learned when I st art ed racing school. The inst ruct ors put m e in
what 's called a " skid car"—an aut o- m obile t hat has a com put er built int o it wit h hydraulic lift s t hat can
pull any wheel off t he ground on a m om ent 's signal from t he inst ruct or. The num ber- one fundam ent al
t hey t each in driving is: Focus on where you want t o go, not on what you fear.
I f you st art t o skid out of cont rol, t he t endency, of course, is t o look at t he wall. But if you keep
focusing on it , t hat 's exact ly where you'll end up. Drivers know t hat you go where you look; you t ravel
in t he direct ion of your focus. I f you resist your fear, have fait h, and focus on where you want t o go,
your act ions will t ake you in t hat direct ion, and if it 's possible t o t urn out of it , you will—but you st and
no chance if you focus on what you fear. I nvariably people say, " What if you're going t o crash
anyway?"
The answer is t hat you increase your chances by focusing on what you want . Focusing on t he solut ion
is always t o your benefit . I f you have t oo m uch m om ent um in t he direct ion of t he wall, t hen focusing
on t he problem j ust before t he crash is not going t o help you anyway.
When t he inst ruct ors first explained t his t o m e, I nodded m y head and t hought , " Of course! I know all
about t his. Aft er all, I t each t his st uff." My first t im e out on t he road I was scream ing along, and all of
a sudden, unbeknownst t o m e, t hey pushed t he but t on. I st art ed t o skid out of cont rol. Where do you
t hink m y eyes went ? You bet ! Right at t he wall! I n t he final seconds, I was t errified because I knew I
was going t o hit it . The inst ruct or grabbed m y head and yanked it t o t he left , forcing m e t o look in t he
direct ion I needed t o go. We kept skidding, and I knew we were going t o crash, but I was forced t o
look only in t he direct ion I want ed t o go. Sure enough, as I looked in t hat direct ion, I couldn't help but
t urn t he wheel accordingly. I t caught at t he last m om ent , and we pulled out . You can im agine m y relief.
One t hing t hat 's useful t o know about all of t his: when you change your focus, oft en you don't
im m ediat ely change direct ion. I sn't t hat t rue in life as well? Oft en t here's a lag t im e bet ween when you
redirect your focus and when your body and your life's experience cat ch up. That 's all t he m ore reason
t o st art focusing on what you want quicker and not wait any longer wit h t he problem .
Did I learn m y lesson? No. I 'd had an experience, but I had not creat ed a st r ong enough neuroassociat ion. I had t o condit ion in t he new pat t ern. So sure enough, t he next t im e I headed for t he wall,
t he inst ruct or had t o loudly rem ind m e t o look at m y goal. On t he t hird t im e, t hough, I t urned m y head
deliberat ely and consciously. I t rust ed it , and it worked. Aft er doing it enough t im es, now when I go
int o a skid, wham ! m y head goes wher e I want it t o go, t he wheel t urns, and m y car follows.
Does t his guarant ee I 'll always succeed by cont rolling m y focus? No. Does it increase m y chances? One
hundredfold! The sam e t hing is t rue in life. I n lat er chapt ers, you'll learn som e ways t o m ake sure you
condit ion your focus t o be posit ive. For now, realize t hat you've got t o discipline your m ind. A m ind out
of cont rol will play t ricks on you. Direct ed, it 's your great est friend.
" Ask and you will receive. Seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened t o you."
MATTHEW 7: 7
The m ost powerful way t o cont rol focus is t hrough t he use of quest ions. For what ever you ask, your
brain provides an answer; what ever you look for, you'll find. I f you ask, " Why is t his person t aking
advant age of m e?" you're going t o focus on how you're being t aken advant age of, whet her it 's t rue or
not . I f you ask, " How can I t urn t his around?" you'll get a m ore em powering answer. Quest ions are
such a powerful t ool for changing your life, I 've reserved t he next chapt er t o t alk exclusively about
t hem .
They are one of t he m ost powerful and sim ple ways t o change t he way you're feeling about virt ually
anyt hing, and t hus change t he direct ion of your life at a m om ent 's not ice. Quest ions provide t he key t o
unlocking our unlim it ed pot ent ial.
One of t he best illust rat ions of t his is t he st ory of a young m an who grew up in Alabam a. About fift een
years ago, a sevent h- grade bully picked a fight wit h him , punched him in t he nose and knocked him
out . When t he boy regained consciousness, he vowed 65 t o get revenge and kill t he bully. He went
hom e, grabbed his m ot her's .22, and set out t o find his t arget . I n a m at t er of m om ent s, his dest iny
hung in t he balance. Wit h t he bully in his gun sight , he could sim ply fire and his schoolm at e would be
hist ory. But at t hat very inst ant , he asked him self a quest ion: What will happen t o m e if I pull t he
t rigger? And anot her im age cam e int o focus: a pict ure as painful as any im aginable. I n t hat split
second which would t ake t he boy's life in one of t wo very different direct ions, he visualized, wit h
chilling clarit y, what it would be like t o go t o j ail. He pict ured having t o st ay up all night t o keep t he
ot her prisoners from raping him . That pot ent ial pain was great er t han t he ant icipat ion of revenge. He
rearm ed his gun, and shot a t ree.
This boy was Bo Jackson, and as he describes t his scene in his biography, t here's no quest ion t hat at
t hat pivot point in his life, t he pain associat ed wit h prison was a force m ore powerful t han t he pleasure
of sat isfact ion he t hought killing t he ot her boy would bring. One change in focus, one decision about
pain and pleasure, probably m ade t he difference bet ween a kid wit h no fut ure and one of t he great est
at hlet ic success st ories of our t im e.
" As t he flet cher whit t les and m akes st r aight his arrows, so t he m ast er direct s his st raying t hought s."
THE BUDDHA
I T'S N OT ON LY W H AT YOU FOCUS ON BUT H OW . . .
Our experience of t he world is creat ed by gat hering inform at ion t hrough t he use of our five senses.
However, each of us t ends t o develop a favorit e m ode of focus, or a m odalit y, as it is oft en called.
Som e people are m ore im pact ed, for exam ple, by what t hey see; t heir visual syst em t ends t o be
65
vow 1. Gelöbnis; Gelübde; t ake a vow, m ake a vow ein Gelöbnis oder Gelübde ablegen; 2. geloben, schwör en
( t o do zu t un)
m ore dom inant . For ot hers, sounds are t he t rigger for t he great est of life's experiences, while for st ill
ot hers, feelings are t he foundat ion.
Even wit hin each of t hese m odes of experience, t hough, t here are specific elem ent s of pict ures, sounds,
or ot her sensat ions t hat can be changed in order t o increase or decrease t he int ensit y of our
experience.
These foundat ional ingredient s are called subm odalit ies.* For exam ple, you can m ake a pict ure in your
m ind and t hen t ake any aspect of t hat im age ( a subm odalit y) , and change it t o change your feelings
about it . You can bright en t he pict ure, im m ediat ely changing t he am ount of int ensit y you feel about
t he experience. This is known as changing a subm odalit y. Probably t he great est expert in
subm odalit ies is Richard Bandler, co- founder of Neuro- Linguist ic Program m ing. The lineage of expert s
on t his dat es back t o t he foundat ional work on t he five senses done by Arist ot le, which cat egorizes
percept ion m odels. You can radically raise or lower your int ensit y of feeling about anyt hing by
m anipulat ing subm odalit ies. They affect how you feel about virt ually anyt hing, whet her you feel j oy,
frust rat ion, wonder, or despair. Underst anding t hem enables you t o not only change how you feel
about any experience in your life, but t o change what it m eans t o you and t hus what you can do about
it .
One im age I 've found very useful is t o t hink of subm odalit ies as t he grocery st ore UPC bar codes,
t hose clust ers of lit t le black lines t hat have replaced price t ags in j ust about every superm ar ket you
pat ronize t oday.
The codes look insignificant , yet w hen pulled across t he checkout scanner, t hey t ell t he com put er what
t he it em is, how m uch it cost s, how it s sale affect s t he invent ory, and so on. Subm odalit ies work t he
sam e way.
When pulled across t he scanner of t he com put er we call t he brain, t hey t ell t he brain what t his t hing is,
how t o feel about it , and what t o do. You have your own bar codes, and t here is a list of t hem com ing
up along wit h quest ions t o ask t o det er m ine which of t hem you use.
For exam ple, if you t end t o focus upon your visual m odalit ies, t he am ount of enj oym ent you get from a
part icular m em ory is probably a direct consequence of t he subm odalit ies of size, color, bright ness,
dist ance, and am ount of m ovem ent in t he visual im age you've m ade of it . I f you represent it t o
yourself wit h audit ory subm odalit ies, t hen how you feel depends on t he volum e, t em po, pit ch, t onalit y,
and ot her such fact ors you at t ach t o it . For exam ple, in order for som e people t o feel m ot ivat ed, t hey
have t o t une in a cert ain channel first . I f t heir favorit e channel is visual, t hen focusing on t he visual
elem ent s of a sit uat ion gives t hem m ore em ot ional int ensit y about it . For ot her people it 's t he audit ory
or kinest het ic channels. And for som e, t he best st rat egy works like a com binat ion lock. First t he visual
lock has t o be aligned, t hen t he audit ory, t hen t he kinest het ic. All t hree dials have t o be lined up in t he
right place and t he right order for t he vault t o open.
Once you're aware of t his, you'll realize t hat people are const ant ly using words in t heir day- t o- day
language t o t ell you which syst em and which subm odalit ies t hey are t uning in. List en t o t he ways t hey
describe t heir experience, and t ake it lit erally. ( For exam ple, in t he last t wo sent ences I used t he t erm s
" t uning in" and " list en" —clearly t hese are audit ory exam ples.)
How m any t im es have you heard som eone say, " I can't pict ure doing t hat " ? They're t elling you what
t he problem is: if t hey did pict ure doing it , t hey'd go int o a st at e where t hey'd feel like t hey could
m ake it happen.
Som eone m ay have once said t o you, "You're blowing t hings out of proport ion." I f you're really upset ,
t hey m ay be right . You m ay be t aking im ages in your m ind and m aking t hem m uch bigger, which
t ends t o int ensify t he experience. I f som eone says, " This is weighing heavily upon m e," you can assist
t hem by helping t hem feel light er about t he sit uat ion and t hereby get t hem in a bet t er st at e t o deal
wit h it . I f som eone says, " I 'm j ust t uning you guys out ," you've got t o get t hem t o t une back in so
t hey can change st at es. Our abilit y t o change t he w ay we feel depends upon our abilit y t o change our
subm odalit ies. We m ust learn t o t ake cont rol of t he various elem ent s wit h which we represent
experiences and change t hem in ways t hat support our out com es. For exam ple, have you ever found
yourself saying you need t o " get dist ance" from a problem ? I 'd like you t o t ry som et hing, if you would.
Think of a sit uat ion t hat is challenging you current ly. Make a pict ure of it in your m ind, t hen im agine
pushing t hat pict ure fart her and fart her away from yourself. St and above it and look down upon t he
problem wit h a new perspect ive. What happens t o your em ot ional int ensit y? For m ost people, it drops.
What if t he im age becom es dim m er, or sm aller? Now t ake t he pict ure of t he problem and m ake it
bigger, bright er, and closer. For m ost people, t his int ensifies it . Push it back out and wat ch t he sun
m elt it . A sim ple change in any one of t hese elem ent s is like changing t he ingredient s in a recipe.
They're definit ely going t o alt er what you finally experience in your body, Alt hough I spoke about
subm odalit ies in great dept h in Unlim it ed Power,
I 'm reviewing t he t opic here because I want t o m ake sure you grasp t his dist inct ion. I t 's crit ical t o
underst anding m uch of t he ot her work we'll be doing in t his book. Rem em ber , how you feel about
t hings is inst ant ly changed by a shift in subm odalit ies. For exam ple, t hink of som et hing t hat happened
yest erday. Just for a m om ent , pict ure t hat experience. Take t he im age of t his m em ory and put it
behind you. Gradually push it back unt il it 's m iles behind you, a t iny, dim dot far off in t he darkness.
Does it feel like it happened yest erday , or a long t im e ago? I f t he m em ory is great , bring it back.
Ot herwise, leave it t here! Who needs t o focus on t his m em ory? By cont rast , you've had som e
incredibly wonderful exper iences in your life.
COMMON EXPRESSI ONS BASED ON:
Visual Subm odalit ies—
That really bright ens m y day.
That put s t hings in a bet t er perspect ive.
That 's a t op priorit y.
This guy has a checkered past .
Let 's look at t he big pict ure.
This problem keeps st aring m e in t he face.
Audit ory Subm odalit ies—
He's const ant ly giving m e st at ic about t hat .
The problem is scream ing at m e.
I hear you loud and clear.
I t brought ev eryt hing we were doing t o a screeching
halt .
The guy is really offbeat .
That sounds great .
Kinest het ic Subm odalit ies—
That guy is slim y.
The pressure's off/ t he pressure's on.
This t hing is weighing on m e.
I feel like I 'm carrying t his whole t hing on m y back.
This concert is really hot !
I 'm absolut ely im m ersed in t his proj ect .
Think of one right now, one t hat happened a long t im e ago. Recall t he of t hat experience. Bring it
forward; put it in front of you. Make right , and colorful; m ake it t hree- dim ensional. St ep int o your
body were t hen and feel t hat experience right now as if you were t here. Does it feel like it happened a
long t im e ago, or is it som et hing you are enj oying now? You see, even your experience of t im e can be
changed by changing Subm odalit ies.
CREATE YOUR OW N BLUEPRI N T
Discovering your Subm odalit ies is a fun process. You m ay want t o do t his on your own, alt hough you
m ay find it m ore fun t o do wit h som eone else. This will help wit h t he accuracy , and if t hey're also
reading t his book, you'll have a lot t o t alk about and a part ner in your com m it m ent t o personal
m ast ery. So very quickly now, t hink of a t im e in your life when you had a very enj oyable experience,
and do t he following: Rat e your enj oym ent on a scale from 0- 100, where 0 is no enj oym ent at all and
100 is t he peak level of enj oym ent you could possibly experience. Let 's say you cam e up wit h 80 on
t his em ot ional int ensit y scale. Now , go t o t he Checklist of Possible Subm odalit ies ( page 169) , and let 's
discover which elem ent s are apt t o creat e m ore enj oym ent in your life t han ot hers, m ore pleasure
feelings t han pain feelings. Begin t o evaluat e each of t he quest ions cont ained in t he checklist against
your experience. So, for exam ple, as you rem em ber t his experience and focus on t he visual
Subm odalit ies, ask yourself, " I s it a m ovie or a st ill fram e?" I f it 's a m ovie, not ice how it feels. Does it
feel good?
Now, change it t o it s opposit e. Make it a st ill fram e and see what happens. Does your level of
enj oym ent drop? Does it drop significant ly? By what percent age? As you m ade it a st ill fram e, did it
drop from 80 t o 50, for exam ple? Writ e down t he im pact t hat t his change has m ade so you'll
be able t o ut ilize t his dist inct ion in t he fut ure.
Then, ret urn t he im agery t o it s init ial form ; t hat is, m ake it a m ovie again if t hat 's what it was, so you
feel like you're back at 80 again. Then go t o t he nex t quest ion on your checklist . I s it in color or in
black and whit e? I f it was in black and whit e, not ice how t hat feels. Now, again, do t he opposit e t o it .
Add color and see w hat happens. Does it raise your em ot ional int ensit y higher t han 80? Writ e dow n
t he im pact t his has upon you em ot ionally. I f it brings you t o a 95, t his m ight be a valuable t hing t o
rem em ber in t he fut ure. For exam ple, when t hinking about a t ask you usually avoid, if you add color t o
your im age of it , you'll find t hat your posit ive em ot ional int ensit y grows im m ediat ely. Now drop t he
im age back down t o black and whit e, and again, not ice what happens t o your em ot ional int ensit y and
what a big difference t his m akes. Rem em ber t o always finish by rest oring t he original st at e before
going on t o t he next quest ion. Put t he color back int o it ; m ake it bright er t han it was before, unt il
you're virt ually awash in vivid color.
I n t act , bright ness is an im port ant subm odalit y for m ost people; bright ening t hings int ensifies t heir
em ot ion. I f you t hink about t he pleasurable experience right now, and m ake t he im age bright er and
bright er, you probably feel bet t er, don't you? ( Of course, t here are except ions. I f you're savoring t he
m em ory of a rom ant ic m om ent , and suddenly t urn all t he light s on full blast , t hat m ay not be ent irely
appropriat e.) What if you were t o m ake t he im age dim , dark, and defocused? For m ost people, t hat
m akes it alm ost depr essing. So m ake it bright er again; m ake it brilliant !
CHECKLI ST OF POSSI BLE SUBMODALI TI ES
Visual
1. Movie/ st ill
2. Color/ black- and- whit e
3. Right / left / cent er
4. Up/ m iddle/ down
5. Bright / dim / dark
6. Lifesize/ bigger/ sm aller
7. Proxim it y
8. Fast / m edium / slow
9. Specific focus?
10. I n pict ure
11. Fram e/ panoram a
12. 3D/ 2D
13. Part icular color
14. Viewpoint
15. Special t rigsger
Audit ory
1. Self/ ot hers
2. Cont ent
3. How it 's said
4. Volum e
5. Tonalit y
6. Tem po
7. Locat ion
8. Harm ony/ cacophony
9. Regular/ irregular
10. I nflect ion
11. Cert ain words
12. Durat ion
13. Uniqueness
14. Special t rigger
Kinest het ic
1. Tem per at ure change
8. Text ure change
3. Rigid/ flexible
4. Vibrat ion
5. Pressure
6. Locat ion of pressure
7. Tension/ relaxat ion
8. Movem ent / direct ion/
9. Breat hing
10. Weight
11. St eady/ int erm it t ent
12. Size/ shape change
13. Direct ion
14. Special t rigger
I s it a m ovie or a st ill fram e?
I s it color or black- and- whit e?
I s t he im age on t he right , left , or cent er?
I s t he im age up, m iddle, or down?
I s t he im age bright , dim , or dark?
I s t he im age lifesize, bigger, or sm aller?
How close is t he im age t o you?
I s t he speed of t he im age fast , m edium , or slow?
Part icular elem ent focused on consist ent ly?
Are you in t he pict ure or wat ching from a dist ance?
Does t he im age have a fram e or is it a panoram a?
I s it t hree- dim ensional or t wo- dim ensional?
I s t here a color t hat im pact s you m ost ?
Are you looking down on it , up, from side, et c.?
Anyt hing else t hat t riggers st rong feelings?
Are you saying som et hing t o yourself or hearing it from
ot hers?
What specifically do you say or hear?
How do you say or hear it ?
How loud is it ?
What is t he t onalit y?
How fast is it ?
Where is t he sound com ing from ?
I s t he sound in harm ony or cacophonous?
I s t he sound regular or irregular?
I s t here inflect ion in t he voice?
Are cert ain words em phasized?
How long did t he sound last ?
What is unique about t he sound?
Anyt hing else t hat t riggers st rong feelings?
Was t here a t em perat ur e change? Hot or cold?
Was t here a t ext ure change? Rough or sm oot h?
I s it rigid or flexible?
I s t here vibrat ion?
Was t here an increase or decrease in pressure?
Where was t he pressur e locat ed?
Was t here an increase in t ension or relaxat ion?
Was t here m ovem ent ? I f so, what was t he direct ion
and speed?
Qualit y of breat hing? Where did it st art / end?
I s it heavy or light ?
Are t he feelings st eady or int erm it t ent ?
Did it change size or shape?
Were feelings com ing int o body or going out ?
Anyt hing else t hat t riggers st rong feelings?
Cont inue down your list , not ing which of t hese visual subm odalit ies changes your em ot ional int ensit y
t he m ost . Then focus on t he audit ory subm odalit ies. As you re- creat e t he ex perience inside your head,
how does it sound t o you? What does r aising t he volum e do t o t he level of pleasure you feel? How
does increasing t he t em po affect your enj oym ent ?
By how m uch? Writ e it down, and shift as m any ot her elem ent s as you can t hink of. I f what you're
im agining is t he sound of som eone's voice, experim ent wit h different inflect ions and accent s, and
not ice what t hat does t o t he level of enj oym ent you experience. I f you change t he qualit y of t he sound
from sm oot h and silky t o rough and gravelly, what happens? Rem em ber, finish by rest oring t he sounds
t o t heir original audit ory form so t hat all t he qualit ies cont inue t o creat e pleasure for you.
Finally, focus on kinest het ic subm odalit ies. As you rem em ber t his pleasurable experience, how does
changing t he various kinest het ic elem ent s int ensify or decrease y our pleasure? Does raising t he
t em perat ure m ake you feel m ore com fort able, or does it drive you up t he wall? Focus on your
breat hing. Where are you breat hing from ? I f you change t he qualit y of your breat hs from rapid and
shallow t o long and deep, how does t his affect t he qualit y of your experience? Not ice what a difference
t his m akes, and writ e it down. What about t he t ext ure of t he im age? Play around wit h it ; change it
from soft and fluffy, t o wet and slim y, t o gooey and st icky.
As you go t hrough each of t hese changes, how does your body feel? Writ e it down. When you're done
experim ent ing wit h t he whole checklist of subm odalit ies, go back and adj ust unt il t he m ost pleasurable
im age re- em erges; m ake it real enough so you can get your hands around it and squeeze t he j uice
from it !
As you go t hrough t hese exercises, you will quickly see t hat som e of t hese subm odalit ies are m uch
m ore powerful for you t han ot hers. We're all m ade different ly and have our own preferred ways of
represent ing our experiences t o ourselves. What you've j ust done was t o creat e a blueprint t hat m aps
out how your brain is wired. Keep it and use it ; it will com e in handy som e day—m aybe t oday! By
knowing which subm odalit ies t rigger you, you'll know how t o increase your posit ive em ot ions and
decrease your negat ive em ot ions.
For exam ple, if you know t hat m aking som et hing big and bright and bringing it close can t rem endously
int ensify your em ot ion, you can get yourself m ot ivat ed t o do som et hing by changing it s im agery t o
m at ch t hese crit eria. You'll also know not t o m ake your problem s big, bright and close, or you'll
int ensify your negat ive em ot ions as well! You'll know how t o inst ant ly shake yourself out of a lim it ing
st at e and int o an energizing, em power ing one. And you can be bet t er equipped t o cont inue your
pat hway t o personal power.
Know ing t he large part t hat subm odalit ies play in your experience of realit y is crucial in m eet ing
challenges. For exam ple, whet her you feel confused or on t rack is a m at t er of subm odalit ies. I f you
t hink about a t im e when you felt confused, rem em ber whet her you were repr esent ing t he experience
as a pict ure or a m ovie. Then com pare it t o a t im e when you felt t hat you underst ood som et hing.
Oft en when people feel confused, it 's because t hey have a series of im ages in t heir heads t hat are
piled up t oo closely t oget her in a chaot ic j um ble because som eone has been t alking t oo rapidly or
loudly. For ot her people, t hey get confused if t hings are t aught t o t hem t oo slowly. These individuals
need t o see im ages in m ovie form , t o see how t hings relat e t o each ot her; ot herwise t he process is t oo
disassociat ed. Do you see how underst anding som eone's subm odalit ies can help you t o t each t hem
m uch m ore effect ively?
The challenge is t hat m ost of us t ake our lim it ing pat t erns and m ake t hem big, bright , close, loud, or
heavy—whichever subm odalit ies we're m ost at t uned t o—and t hen wonder why we feel overwhelm ed' I f
you've ever pulled yourself out of t hat st at e, it 's probably because you or som ebody else t ook t hat
im age and changed it , redirect ing your focus. You finally said, " Oh, it 's not t hat big a deal." Or you
worked on one aspect of it , and by doing so, it didn't seem like such a big proj ect t o t ackle. These are
all sim ple st rat egies, m any of which I laid out in Unlim it ed Power. I n t his chapt er, I 'm expect ing t o
whet your appet it e and m ake you aware of t hem .
CH AN GE YOUR STATES AN D YOU CH AN GE YOUR LI FE
You can now change your st at e in so m any ways, and t hey're all so sim ple. You can change your
physiology im m ediat ely j ust by changing your breat hing. You can change your focus by deciding what
t o focus on, or t he order of t hings you focus on, or how you do it . You can change your subm odalit ies.
I f you've been consist ent ly focusing on t he worst t hat could happen, t here's no excuse for cont inuing
t o do t hat . St art now t o focus on t he best .
The key in life is t o have so m any ways t o direct your life t hat it becom es an art . The challenge for
m ost people is t hat t hey have only a few ways t o change t heir st at e: t hey overeat , over drink,
oversleep, over shop, sm oke, or t ake a drug—none of which em power us, and all of which can have
disast rous and t ragic consequences. The biggest problem is t hat m any of t hese consequences are
cum ulat ive, so we don't ev en not ice t he danger unt il it 's t oo lat e. That 's what happened t o Elvis
Presley, and t hat , unfort unat ely, is also what 's happening every day t o so m any ot her people. Pict ure
an unfort unat e frog in a ket t le being slowly sim m ered t o deat h. I f he had been dropped int o a fully
boiling pot , t he shock of t he heat would have caused him t o j um p back out im m ediat ely—but wit h t he
heat slowly building, he never not ices he's in danger unt il it 's t oo lat e t o get out . The j ourney t oward
Niagara Falls begins when you don't cont rol your st at es, because if you don't cont rol your st at es, you
won't be able t o cont rol your behavior. I f t here are t hings you need t o accom plish but you can't get
m ot ivat ed, realize you're not in t he appropriat e st at e. That 's not an excuse, t hough, t hat 's a com m and!
I t 's a com m and t o do what ever it t akes t o change your st at e, whet her it 's changing your physiology or
your focus. At one t im e, I put m yself in a st at e of being pressured t o writ e m y book; no wonder I felt it
was im possible! But t hen I had t o find a way t o change m y st at e; ot herwise, you wouldn't be reading
t his t oday. I had t o be in a st at e of creat ivit y, a st at e of excit em ent . I f you want t o go on a diet , it 's
not going t o work if you're in a fearful st at e, or a worried st at e, or a frust rat ed st at e. You've got t o be
in a det erm ined st at e in order t o succeed. Or, if you want t o perform bet t er on your j ob, realize t hat
int elligence is oft en a fact or of st at e. People who supposedly have lim it ed capabilit y will find t heir
t alent shoot ing t hrough t he roof if t hey get int o a new st at e. I 've dem onst rat ed t his m any t im es wit h
dyslexic people.
While dyslexia is a funct ion of our visual facult ies, it 's also a funct ion of our m ent al and em ot ional
st at es. People who are dyslexic do not reverse let t er s or words every t im e t hey read som et hing. They
m ay do it m ost of t he t im e, but t hey don't do it all of t he t im e. The difference bet ween when t hey're
able t o read clearly and when t hey reverse let t ers all com es down t o st at e. I f you change t heir st at e,
you im m ediat ely change t heir perform ance. Anyone who's dyslexic or has any ot her st at e- based
challenge can use t hese st rat egies t o t urn t hem selves around.
Since m ovem ent can inst ant ly change how we feel, it m akes sense for us t o creat e lot s of ways t o
change our st at e wit h one, singular m ovem ent in an inst ant . One of t he t hings t hat m ost powerfully
changed m y life was som et hing I first learned years ago. I n Canada I found a m an who was breaking
wood karat e- st yle. I nst ead of spending a year and a half t o t wo years t o learn t o do it , wit h no m art ial
art s t raining, I sim ply found out what he was focusing on, how he was focusing ( t he bright ness and so
on) in his head, what his beliefs were, and what his physical st rat egy was—how he specifically used
his body t o break t he wood.
I pract iced over and over his physical m ovem ent s ident ically wit h t rem endous em ot ional int ensit y,
sending m y brain deep sensat ions of cert aint y. And all t he while, m y inst ruct or coached m e on m y
m ovem ent s. Barn! I broke t hrough one piece of wood, t hen t wo pieces, t hen t hree pieces, t hen four.
What had I done t o accom plish t his? 1) 1 raised m y st andards and m ade breaking t he wood a m ust —
som et hing I previously would have accept ed as a lim it at ion; 2) I changed m y lim it ing belief about m y
abilit y t o do t his by changing m y em ot ional st at e int o one of cert aint y, and 3) I m odeled an effect ive
st rat egy for producing t he result .
This act t ransform ed m y sense of pow er and cert aint y t hroughout m y whole body. I began t o use t his
sam e " wood breaking" sense of cert aint y t o accom plish ot her t hings I never t hought I could do,
breaking t hrough m y procrast inat ion and som e of m y fears easily. Over t he years I cont inued t o use
and reinforce t hese sensat ions, and I began t o t each t hem t o ot hers, even children, eleven- and
t welve- year- old girls, showing t hem how t o increase t heir self- est eem by giving t hem an experience
t hey didn't t hink was possible. I event ually st art ed using t his as part of m y video- based Unlim it ed
Power sem inars, conduct ed by m y franchisees, our Personal Developm ent Consult ant s around t he
world.
Oft en in 30 m inut es or less t hey are able t o help t heir part icipant s t o overcom e t heir fears and learn
how t o break t hrough anyt hing t hat st ops t hem in t heir lives. Aft er breaking t he wood, t hey learn t o
use t his experience t o give t hem selves t he sense of cert aint y t hat is necessary in pursuing anyt hing
t hey want t o achieve in life. I t 's always fascinat ing t o see a huge m an who t hinks he can do it wit h j ust
brut e force get up t here and m iss, and t hen wat ch a wom an half his size and m uscular t one break
t hrough in a heart beat because she's developed t he cert aint y in her physiology.
" Experience is not what happens t o a m an; it is what a m an does wit h what happens t o him ."
ALDOUS HUXLEY
You've got t o realize t hat you m ust t ake conscious cont rol of running your own m ind. You've got t o do
it deliberat ely; ot herwise, you're going t o be at t he m ercy of what ever happens around you. The first
skill you m ust m ast er is t o be able t o change your st at e inst ant ly no m at t er what t he environm ent , no
m at t er how scared or frust rat ed you ar e. This is one of t he foundat ional skills people develop in m y
sem inars. They learn how t o quickly change t heir st at e from being afraid and " knowing" t hey can't do
som et hing, t o knowing t hey can do it and being able t o t ake effect ive act ion. Developing experiences
like t his in which you change quickly gives you t rem endous power in your life—som et hing you can't
fully appreciat e unt il you really t ry it for yourself.
The second skill is t hat you should be able t o change st at e consist ent ly in any environm ent —m aybe in
an environm ent t hat used t o m ake you uncom fort able, but in which you can now change your st at e
t im e and again, condit ioning yourself unt il you feel good no m at t er where you are. The t hird skill, of
course, is t o est ablish a set of habit ual pat t erns of using your physiology and focus so t hat you
consist ent ly feel good wit hout any conscious effort what soever. My definit ion of success is t o live your
life in a way t hat causes you t o feel t ons of pleasure and very lit t le pain—and because of your lifest yle,
have t he people around you feel a lot m ore pleasure t han t hey do pain. Som eone who's achieved a lot
but is living in em ot ional pain all t he t im e, or is surrounded by people in pain all t he t im e, isn't t ruly
successful. The fourt h goal is t o enable ot hers t o change t heir st at e inst ant ly, t o change t heir st at e in
any environm ent , and t o change t heir st at e for t heir whole life. This is what m y franchisees learn t o be
able t o do in t heir sem inars and in t heir one- on- one work wit h people.
So, what do you need t o rem em ber from t his chapt er? All t hat you really want in life is t o change how
you feel. Again, all your em ot ions are not hing but biochem ical st orm s in your brain, and you are in
cont rol of t hem at any m om ent in t im e. You can feel ecst asy right now, or you can feel pain or
depr ession or overwhelm ed—it 's all up t o you. You don't need drugs or anyt hing else t o do it . There
are m uch m ore effect ive ways and, as you learned in t he chapt er on beliefs, drugs can be overpowered
by t he chem icals you creat e in your own body, by changing your focus and t he way you're using your
physiology. These chem icals are m uch m ore powerful t han virt ually any out side subst ance.
" Every great and com m anding m om ent in t he annals of t he world is t he t rium ph of som e ent husiasm ."
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
D O YOU KN OW H OW TO M AKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD ?
On a business t rip t o Toront o, I felt physically st ressed because of int ense back pain; As t he plane
descended, I began t o t hink about what I needed t o do when I got t o m y hot el. I t would already be
10: 30 p.m ., and I had t o be up early t he next m orning t o conduct m y sem inar. I could eat
som et hing—aft er all, I 'd had not hing all day—but it was awfully lat e. I could do m y paper work and
wat ch t he news. I n t hat m om ent I realized all of t hese act ions were m erely st rat egies for get t ing out of
pain and int o som e level of pleasure. Yet none of t hem were all t hat com pelling. I needed t o expand
m y list of ways t o experience pleasure, regardless of t he t im e or place.
So do you know how t o m ake yourself feel good? This sounds like a st upid quest ion, doesn't it ? But
really, do you have a set of specific and em powering ways t o m ake yourself feel good at a m om ent 's
not ice? Can you accom plish t his wit hout t he use of food, alcohol, drugs, cigaret t es, or ot her addict ive
sources? I 'm sure you have a few, but let 's expand t he list . Right now, let 's ident ify som e of t he
posit ive choices you already have for m aking yourself feel good. Sit down right now and writ e down a
list of t hings t hat you current ly do t o change how you feel. As long as you're m aking a list , why not
add som e new t hings you m ay not have t ried before t hat could posit ively change your st at e as well?
Don't st op unt il you have a m inim um of fift een ways t o inst ant ly feel good, and t he ideal would be at
least t went y- five. This is an exercise you m ay want t o com e back t o again unt il you have hundreds of
ways! When I m ade a list for m yself, I realized t hat playing m usic was one of t he m ost powerful ways I
could change m y st at e quickly. Reading was anot her way t o feel good because it changed m y focus,
and I love t o learn—especially reading som et hing inst ruct ional and inform at ional, som et hing I can
im m ediat ely apply t o m y life. Changing m y body m ovem ent s is som et hing I can do inst ant ly t o break
out of a lim it ing st at e and int o a resourceful one: exercising on m y St airMast er™ wit h t he m usic
cranking full t ilt , j um ping up and down on m y rebounder unit , running five m iles uphill, swim m ing laps.
Here are som e ot hers: dancing, singing along wit h m y favorit e CDs, wat ching a com edy film , going t o
a concert , list ening t o inform at ional audio t apes. Taking a Jacuzzi, a warm bat h. Making love wit h m y
wife. Having a fam ily dinner where we all sit down at t he t able and chat about what 's m ost im port ant
t o us. Hugging and kissing m y children, hugging and kissing Becky. Taking Becky t o a m ovie like Ghost
where we sit in our seat s, in puddles of t ears. Creat ing a new idea, a new com pany, a new concept .
Refining or im proving anyt hing t hat I 'm current ly doing. Creat ing anyt hing. Telling j okes t o friends.
Doing anyt hing t hat m akes m e feel like I 'm cont ribut ing. Conduct ing any of m y sem inars, especially
huge ones ( one of m y favorit e subm odalit ies) . Polishing up m y m em ories, vividly rem em bering a
wonderful experience I 've had recent ly or in t he past wit hin m y j ournal.
1.
_____________________________________________________________
2.
_____________________________________________________________
3.
_____________________________________________________________
4.
_____________________________________________________________
5.
_____________________________________________________________
6.
_____________________________________________________________
7.
_____________________________________________________________
8.
_____________________________________________________________
9.
_____________________________________________________________
10. _____________________________________________________________
11. _____________________________________________________________
12. _____________________________________________________________
13. _____________________________________________________________
14. _____________________________________________________________
15. _____________________________________________________________
16. _____________________________________________________________
17. _____________________________________________________________
18. _____________________________________________________________
19. _____________________________________________________________
20. _____________________________________________________________
21. _____________________________________________________________
22. _____________________________________________________________
23. _____________________________________________________________
24. _____________________________________________________________
25. _____________________________________________________________
I F YOU D ON 'T H AVE A PLAN FOR PLEASURE, YOU W I LL H AVE PAI N
The whole key here is t o creat e a huge list of ways t o m ake yourself feel good so you don't need t o
t urn t o t hose ot her ways t hat are dest r uct ive. I f you link pain t o t he dest ruct ive habit s and m ore and
m ore pleasure t o t hese new em powering ones, you'll find t hat m ost of t hem are accessible m ost of t he
t im e. Make t his list a realit y; develop a plan for pleasure for each and every day. Don't j ust random ly
hope t hat pleasure will som ehow show up; set yourself up for ecst asy. Make room for it ! What we're
t alking about , again, is condit ioning your nervous sys- t em , your body, and your m ent al focus so t hat
it searches const ant ly t o see how ever yt hing in your life benefit s you. Just rem em ber t hat if you
cont inue t o have a lim it ing em ot ional pat t ern, it 's because you are using your body in a habit ual way,
or are cont inuing t o focus in a cert ain disem powering way. I f it 's your focus t hat needs t o be shift ed,
t here is one incredible t ool t hat can change it inst ant ly. You m ust know t hat .. .
8
QUESTI ONS ARE THE ANSWER
" He who asks quest ions cannot avoid t he answers."
CAMEROON PROVERB
They needed no reason. They cam e sim ply because he was of Jewish descent . The Nazis st orm ed int o
his hom e, arrest ing him and his ent ire fam ily. Soon t hey were herded like cat t le, packed int o a t rain,
and t hen sent t o a deat h cam p in Krakow. His m ost dist urbing night m ares could never have prepared
him for seeing his fam ily shot before his very eyes. How could he live t hrough t he horror of seeing his
child's clot hing on anot her because his son was now dead as t he r esult of a " shower" ?
Som ehow he cont inued. One day he looked at t he night m are around him and confront ed an
inescapable t rut h: if he st ayed t here even one m ore day, he would surely die. He m ade a decision t hat
he m ust escape and t hat escape m ust happen im m ediately! He knew not how, he sim ply knew he m ust .
For weeks he'd asked t he ot her prisoners, " How can we escape t his horrible place?" The answers he
received seem ed always t o be t he sam e: " Don't be a fool," t hey said, " t here is no escape! Asking such
quest ions will only t ort ure your soul.
Just work hard and pray y ou survive." But he couldn't accept t his—he wouldn't accept it . He becam e
obsessed wit h escape, and even when his answers didn't m ake any sense, he kept asking over and
over again, "How can I do it ? There m ust be a way. How can I get out of here
healt hy, alive, t oday?"
I t is said t hat if you ask, you shall receive. And for som e reason, on t his day he got his answer.
Perhaps it was t he int ensit y wit h which he asked his quest ion, or m aybe it was his sense of cert aint y
t hat " now is t he t im e." Or possibly it was j ust t he im pact of cont inually focusing on t he answer t o one
burning quest ion. For what ever reason, t he giant power of t he hum an m ind and spirit awakened in t his
m an. The answer cam e t o him t hrough an unlikely source: t he sickening sm ell of decaying hum an flesh.
There, only a few feet from his work, he saw a huge pile of bodies t hat had been shoveled int o t he
back of a t ruck—m en, wom en, and children who had been gassed. The gold fillings had been pulled
from t heir t eet h; everyt hing t hat t hey owned—any j ewelry—- even t heir clot hing, had been t aken.
I nst ead of asking, " How could t he Nazis be so despicable, so dest ruct ive? How could God m ake
som et hing so evil? Why has God done t his t o m e?," St anislavsky Lech asked a different quest ion. He
asked, " How can I use t his t o escape?" And inst ant ly he got his answer.
As t he end of t he day near ed and t he w ork part y headed back int o t he barracks, Lech ducked behind
t he t ruck. I n a heart beat , he ripped off his clot hes and dove naked int o t he pile of bodies while no one
was looking.
He pret ended t hat he was dead, rem aining t ot ally st ill even t hough lat er he was alm ost crushed as
m ore and m ore bodies wer e heaped on t op of him .
The fet id sm ell of rot t ing flesh, t he rigid rem ains of t he dead surr ounded him everywhere. He wait ed
and wait ed, hoping t hat no one would not ice t he one living body in t hat pile of deat h, hoping t hat
sooner or lat er t he t ruck would drive off.
Finally, he heard t he sound of t he engine st art ing. He felt t he t ruck shudder. And in t hat m om ent , he
felt a st irring of hope as he lay am ong t he dead. Event ually, he felt t he t ruck lurch t o a st op, and t hen
it dum ped it s ghast ly cargo—dozens of t he dead and one m an pret ending t o be one of t hem —in a giant
open grave out side t he cam p. Lech rem ained t here for hours unt il night fall. When he finally felt cert ain
no one was t here, he ext r act ed him self from t he m ount ain of cadavers, and he ran naked t went y- five
m iles t o freedom .
What was t he difference bet ween St anislavsky Lech and so m any ot hers who perished in t he
concent rat ion cam ps? While, of course, t here were m any fact ors, one crit ical difference was t hat he
asked a different quest ion. He asked persist ent ly, he asked wit h expect at ion of receiving an answer,
and his brain cam e up wit h a solut ion t hat saved his life. The quest ions he asked him self t hat day in
Krakow caused him t o m ake split - second decisions t hat led t o act ions t hat significant ly im pact ed his
dest iny. But before he could get t he answer, m ake t he decisions, and t ake t hose act ions, he had t o ask
him self t he right quest ions.
Throughout t his book you've learned how our beliefs affect our decisions, our act ions, t he direct ion of
our lives, and t herefore our ult im at e dest iny. But all t hese influences are a pr oduct of t hinking—of t he
way your brain has evaluat ed and cr eat ed m eaning t hroughout your ent ire life. So t o get t o t he bot t om
of how we creat e our realit y on a daily basis we need t o answer t he quest ion, " Just how do we t hink?"
OUR QUESTI ON S D ETERM I N E OUR TH OUGH TS
One day, I was t hinking about im port ant event s in m y own life and in t he lives of people I had
encount ered along t he way. I had m et so m any people, fort unat e and unfort unat e, successful and
unsuccessful; I really want ed t o know what allowed successful people t o achieve great t hings,
while ot hers wit h sim ilar or bet t er backgrounds disappear ed over t he t ails of Niagara. So I asked
m yself, " What really m akes t he biggest difference in m y life, in who I becom e, in who I am as a person,
and in where I am going?" The answer I cam e up wit h was one I 've already shared wit h you. " I t 's not
t he event s t hat shape m y life t hat det erm ine how I feel and act , but , rat her, it 's t he way I int erpret
and evaluat e m y life experiences. The m eaning I at t ach t o an event will det erm ine t he decisions I
m ake, t he act ions I t ake, and t herefor e m y ult im at e dest iny. But ," I asked m yself, " how do I go about
evaluat ing? What exact ly is an evaluat ion?"
I t hought , " Well, right now I 'm evaluat ing, aren't I ? I 'm t rying t o evaluat e how t o describe what an
evaluat ion is. What am I doing right now?" And t hen I realized I had j ust been asking m yself a series
of quest ions, and obviously t hose quest ions were:
How do I go about evaluat ing?
What exact ly is an evaluat ion?
Right now I 'm evaluat ing, aren't I ?
What am I doing right now?
Then I t hought , " I s it possible t hat evaluat ions are not hing but quest ions?" And I st art ed laughing and
t hought , " Well, isn't t hat a quest ion?"
I began t o realize t hat t hinking it self is not hing but t he process of asking and answering quest ions. I f
aft er reading t his you're t hinking,
" That 's t rue," or " That 's not t rue," you had t o ask yourself—eit her consciously or unconsciously—a
quest ion, and t hat quest ion was, " I s t his t rue?" Or even if you t hought , " I need t o t hink about t hat ,"
what you're really saying is, " 1 need t o ask m yself som e quest ions about t hat . I need t o consider t hat
for a m om ent ." As you consider it , you'll begin t o quest ion it . We need t o realize t hat m ost of what we
do, day in and day out , is ask and answer quest ions. So if we want t o change t he qualit y of our lives,
we should change our habit ual quest ions. These quest ions direct our focus, and t herefore how we t hink
and how we feel.
The m ast ers of quest ion asking, of course, are kids. How m any m illions of quest ions do t hey const ant ly
bom bard us wit h as t hey're growing up? Why do you t hink t hat is? I s it j ust t o drive us crazy? We need
t o realize t hat t hey're const ant ly m aking evaluat ions as t o what t hings m ean and what t hey should do.
They're st art ing t o creat e neuro- associat ions t hat will guide t heir fut ures. They're learning m achines,
and t he way t o learn, t o t hink, t o m ake new connect ions, is init iat ed by quest ions—eit her quest ions we
ask of ourselves or ot hers.
This ent ire book and m y life's work is t he result of m y asking quest ions about what m akes us all do
what we do and how we can produce change m ore quickly and easily t han it has been done before.
Quest ions are t he prim ary way t hat we learn virt ually anyt hing. I n fact , t he ent ire Socrat ic m et hod ( a
way of t eaching t hat dat es back t o t he ancient Greek philosopher Socrat es) is based upon t he t eacher
doing not hing but asking quest ions, direct ing t he st udent s' focus, and get t ing t hem t o com e up wit h
t heir own answers.
When I realized t he incredible power of quest ions t o shape our t hought s and lit erally our every
response t o our experiences, I went on a " quest for quest ions." I began t o not ice how oft en quest ions
appeared in our cult ure. Gam es like Trivial Pursuit , Jeopar dy! , and Scruples were all t he rage. The
Book of Quest ions—an ent ire book of not hing but quest ions t o m ake you t hink about your life and your
values, was a best seller.
Ads on TV and in print asked, " What becom es a legend m ost ?" " How do you spell relief?" " I s it soup
yet ?" Spike Lee asks Michael Jordan " I s it t he shoes?" in a TV ad for Nike's Air Jordan bask et ball shoes.
I not only want ed t o know what quest ions we were asking as a societ y, but I also want ed t o discover
t he quest ions t hat m ade a difference in people's lives. I asked people in m y sem inars, in airplanes, in
m eet ings; I asked everyone I m et , from CEOs in high- rises t o hom eless people on t he st reet , t rying t o
discover t he quest ions t hat creat ed t heir experience of day- t o- day life. I realized t hat t he m ain
difference bet ween t he people who seem ed t o be successful—in any area! —and t hose who weren't was
t hat successful people asked bet t er quest ions, and as a result , t hey got bet t er answers. They got
answers t hat em powered t hem t o know exact ly what t o do in any sit uat ion t o produce t he result s t hey
desired.
Qualit y quest ions creat e a qualit y life. You need t o bum t his idea int o your brain, because it 's as
im port ant as anyt hing else you'll learn in t his book. Businesses succeed when t hose who m ake t he
decisions t hat cont rol t heir dest iny ask t he right quest ions about m arket s or st rat egies or product lines.
Relat ionships flourish when people ask t he right quest ions about where pot ent ial conflict s exist and
how t o support each ot her inst ead of t earing each ot her down. Polit icians win elect ions when t he
quest ions t hey raise—whet her explicit ly or im plicit ly—provide answers t hat work for t hem and t heir
com m unit y.
When t he aut om obile was in it s infancy, hundreds of people t inkered wit h building t hem , but Henry
Ford asked, " How can I m ass- produce it ?"
Millions chafed under com m unism , but Lech Walesa asked, " How can I raise t he st andard of living for
all working m en and wom en?" Quest ions set off a processional effect t hat has an im pact beyond our
im aginat ion. Quest ioning our lim it at ions is what t ears down t he walls in life—in business, in
relat ionships, bet ween count ries. I believe all hum an progress is preceded by new quest ions.
TH E POW ER OF QUESTI ON S
" Som e m en see t hings as t hey are, and say, 'Why?' I dream of t hings t hat never were, and say, 'Why
not ?'"
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Most of us, when we see som eone of ext raordinary capabilit y or som eone who seem s t o have a
superhum an capacit y t o deal wit h life's challenges, t hink t hings like, " They're so lucky! They're so
t alent ed! They m ust have been born t hat way." But in realit y, t he hum an brain has t he capacit y t o
produce answers fast er t han t he " sm art est " com put er on eart h, even considering t oday's
m icrot echnology wit h com put ers t hat calculat e in nanoseconds ( billiont hs of a second) . I t would t ake
t wo buildings t he size of t he World Trade Cent er t o house t he st orage capacit y of your brain!
Yet t his t hree- pound lum p of gray m at t er can give you m ore firepower inst ant ly for com ing up wit h
solut ions t o challenges and creat ing powerful em ot ional sensat ions t han anyt hing in m an's vast arsenal
of t echnology.
Just like a com put er boast ing t rem endous capacit y, wit hout an underst anding of how t o ret rieve and
ut ilize all t hat 's been st or ed, t he brain's capacit y m eans not hing. I 'm sure you've known som eone
( m aybe even yourself) who has purchased a new com put er syst em and never used it sim ply because
he or she didn't figure out how. I f you want access t o t he files of valuable inform at ion in a com put er,
you m ust underst and how t o ret rieve t he dat a by asking for it wit h t he proper com m ands. Likewise,
what enables you t o get anyt hing you want from your own personal dat abanks is t he com m anding
power of asking quest ions.
" Always t he beaut iful answer who asks a m ore beaut iful quest ion."
E. E. CUMMI NGS
I 'm here t o t ell you t hat t he difference bet ween people is t he difference in t he quest ions t hey ask
consist ent ly. Som e people are depressed on a regular basis. Why? As we revealed in t he last chapt er,
part of t he pr oblem is t heir lim it ed st at es. They conduct t heir lives wit h lim it ed m ovem ent s and
ham st rung physiology, but m ore im port ant ly, t hey focus on t hings t hat m ake t hem feel overloaded and
overwhelm ed. Their pat t ern of focus and evaluat ion seriously lim it s t heir em ot ional experience of life.
Could t his person change how t hey feel in a m om ent ? You bet —j ust by changing m ent al focus.
So what 's t he quickest way t o change focus? Sim ply by asking a new quest ion. When people are
depr essed, it is m ore t han likely due t o asking t hem selves disem powering quest ions on a regular basis,
quest ions like: " What 's t he use? Why even t ry, since t hings never seem t o work out anyway? Why m e,
Lord?" Rem em ber, ask and you shall receive. I f you ask a t errible quest ion, you'll get a t errible answer.
Your m ent al com put er is ever ready t o serve you, and what ever quest ion you give it , it will surely
com e up wit h an answer. So if you ask, " Why can't I ever succeed?," it will t ell you—even if it has t o
m ake som et hing up! I t m ight com e up wit h an answer like, " Because you're st upid," or " Because you
don't deserve t o do well anyway."
Now, what 's an exam ple of brilliant quest ions? How about m y good friend, W. Mit chell? I f you read
Unlim it ed Power, you know his st ory. How do you t hink he was able t o survive having t wo- t hirds of his
body burned and st ill feel good about his life? How could he t hen endure an airplane accident years
lat er, lose t he use of his legs, and be confined t o a wheelchair—and st ill find a way t o enj oy
cont ribut ing t o ot hers? He learned t o cont rol his focus by asking t he right quest ions. When he found
him self in t he hospit al, wit h his body burned beyond recognit ion, and surrounded by a large num ber of
ot her pat ient s in t he ward who were feeling sorry for t hem selves, pat ient s who were asking
t hem selves, " Why m e? How could God do t his t o m e? Why is life so unfair? What 's t he use of living as
a 'cripple'?," Mit chell chose inst ead t o ask him self, " How can I use t his? Because of t his, what will I be
able t o cont ribut e t o ot her s?" These quest ions are what creat ed t he difference in dest inies: " Why m e?"
rarely produces a posit ive result , while " How can I use t his?" usually leads us in t he direct ion of t urning
our difficult ies int o a driving force t o m ake ourselves and t he world bet t er.
Mit chell realized t hat being hurt , angry, and frust rat ed wouldn't change his life, so inst ead of looking at
what he didn't have, he said t o him self, " What do I st ill have? Who am I really? Am I really only m y
body, or am I som et hing m ore? What am I capable of now, even m ore so t han before?" Aft er his
airplane accident , while in t he hospit al and paralyzed from t he waist down, he m et an incredibly
at t ract ive wom an, a nurse nam ed Annie. Wit h his ent ire face burned off, his body paralyzed from t he
waist down, he had t he audacit y t o ask: " How could I get a dat e wit h her?" His buddies said, " You're
insane. You're deluding yourself." But a year and a half lat er, he and Annie were in a relat ionship, and
t oday she's his wife.
That 's t he beaut y of asking em powering quest ions: t hey bring us an irreplaceable resource: answers
and solut ions. Quest ions det erm ine everyt hing you do in life, from your abilit ies t o your relat ionships
t o your incom e. For exam ple, m any people fail t o com m it t o a relat ionship sim ply because t hey keep
asking quest ions t hat creat e doubt : " What if t here's som ebody bet t er out t here? What if I com m it
m yself now and m iss out ?" What t erribly disem powering quest ions! This fuels t he fear t hat t he grass
will always be greener on t he ot her side of t he fence, and it keeps you from being able t o enj oy what
you already have in your own life. Som et im es t hese sam e people dest roy t he relat ionships t hey do
event ually have wit h m ore t errible quest ions: " How com e you always do t his t o m e? Why don't you
appreciat e m e? What if I were t o leave right now—how would t hat m ake you feel?" Com pare t his
wit h " How did I get so lucky t o have you in m y life? What do I love t he m ost about m y husband/ wife?
How m uch richer will our lives be as a result of our relat ionship?"
Think of t he quest ions you habit ually ask yourself in t he area of finances. I nvariably, if a person isn't
doing well financially, it 's because t hey're creat ing a great deal of fear in t heir life—fear t hat keeps
t hem from invest ing or m ast ering t heir finances in t he first place. They ask quest ions like " What t oys
do I want right now?" inst ead of " What plan do I need in order t o achieve m y ult im at e financial goals?"
The quest ions you ask will det erm ine where you focus, how you t hink, how you feel, and what you do.
I f we want t o change our finances, we've got t o hold ourselves t o higher st andards, change our beliefs
about what 's possible, and develop a bet t er st rat egy. One of t he t hings t hat I 've not iced in m odeling
som e of t oday's financial giant s is t hat t hey consist ent ly ask different quest ions t han t he m asses—
quest ions t hat oft en run count er t o even t he m ost widely accept ed financial " wisdom ."
Current ly, t here is no denying t hat Donald Trum p is experiencing financial challenges. For alm ost a
decade, t hough, he was clearly an econom ic kingpin. How did he do it ? There were m any fact ors, but
one t hat virt ually everybody agrees on is t hat in t he m id- sevent ies, when New York Cit y faced
bankrupt cy and m ost dev elopers fret t ed over quest ions like " How will we survive if t his cit y goes
under?," Trum p asked a unique quest ion: " How can I get rich while everyone else is afraid?" This one
quest ion helped t o shape m any of his business decisions and clearly led him t o t he posit ion of
econom ic dom inance he enj oyed.
Trum p didn't st op t here. He also asked anot her great quest ion, one which would be good t o em ulat e
before m aking any financial invest m ent s. Once he was convinced t hat a proj ect had t rem endous
pot ent ial for econom ic gain, he would t hen ask, " What 's t he downside? What 's t he worst t hat can
happen, and can I handle it ?" His belief was t hat if he knew he could handle t he worst - case scenario,
t hen he should do t he deal because t he upside would t ake care of it self. So if he asked such shrewd
quest ions, what happened?
Trum p had put deals t oget her t hat no one else would have considered during t hose econom ically
st ressful t im es. He had t aken over t he old Com m odore building and t urned it int o t he Grand Hyat t ( his
first m aj or econom ic success) . And when t he t ide t urned, he had won big. However, he event ually ran
int o m aj or econom ic t rouble. Why? Many say he changed what he focused on in m aking invest m ent s.
He began t o ask quest ions like " What can I enj oy owning?" inst ead of " What is t he m ost pr ofit able
deal?" Worse, som e say Trum p began t o believe he was invincible, and as a result he st opped asking
his " downside" quest ions. This single change in his evaluat ion procedure—in t he quest ions he was
asking him self—m ay have cost him a good part of his fort une. Rem em ber, it 's not only t he quest ions
you ask, but t he quest ions you/ ail t o ask, t hat shape your dest iny.
I f t here's one t hing I 've learned in seeking out t he core beliefs and st rat egies of t oday's leading m inds,
it 's t hat superior evaluat ions creat e a superior life. We all have t he capacit y t o evaluat e life at a level
t hat produces out st anding result s. What do you t hink of when you hear t he word " genius" ? I f you're
like m e, what im m ediat ely com es t o m ind is a pict ure of Albert Einst ein. But how did Einst ein m ove
beyond his failed high school educat ion int o t he realm of t ruly great t hinkers? Undoubt edly, it was
because he asked supr em ely form ulat ed quest ions.
As Einst ein was first exploring t he idea of t im e and space relat ivit y, he asked, " I s it possible t hat t hings
t hat seem sim ult aneous are not really so?" For exam ple, if you are a few m iles away from a sonic
boom , do you hear it at t he exact m om ent it occurs in space? Einst ein conj ect ured t hat you do not ,
t hat what you experience as happening in t hat m om ent is not really happening t hen, but rat her
occurred only a m om ent ago. I n day- t o- day life, he reasoned, t im e is relat ive depending on how you
occupy your m ind.
Einst ein once said, " When a m an sit s wit h a pret t y girl for an hour, it seem s like a m inut e. But let him
sit on a hot st ove for a m inut e and it 's longer t han any hour. That 's relat ivit y." He conj ect ured furt her
int o t he realm of physics, and believing t hat t he speed of light is fixed, he found him self asking t he
quest ion, " What if you could put light aboard a rocket ? Would it s speed be increased t hen?" I n t he
process of answering t hese fascinat ing quest ions, and ot hers like t hem , Einst ein post ulat ed his
renowned t heory of relat ivit y.
" The im port ant t hing is not t o st op quest ioning.
Curiosit y has it s own reason for exist ing.
One cannot help but be in awe when he cont em plat es t he m yst eries of et ernit y, of life, of t he
m arvelous st ruct ure of realit y.
I t is enough if one t ries m erely t o com prehend a lit t le of t his m yst ery every day.
Never lose a holy curiosit y."
ALBERT EI NSTEI N
The powerful dist inct ions t hat Einst ein m ade result ed from a series of quest ions. Were t hey sim ple?
Yes. Were t hey powerful? Absolut ely. What power could you unleash by asking som e equally sim ple
but powerful quest ions? Quest ions are undeniably a m agic t ool t hat allows t he genie in our m inds t o
m eet our wishes; t hey are t he wake- up call t o our giant capacit ies. They allow us t o achieve our
desires if only we present t hem in t he form of a specific and well- t hought - out request . A genuine
qualit y of life com es from consist ent , qualit y quest ions. Rem em ber, your brain, like t he genie, will give
you what ever you ask of it . So be careful what you ask for—what ever you look for you'll find.
So wit h all t his power bet ween our ear s, why aren't m ore people " happy, healt hy, wealt hy, and wise" ?
Why are so m any frust rat ed, feeling like t here are no answers in t heir lives? One answer is t hat when
t hey ask quest ions, t hey lack t he cert aint y t hat causes t he answ ers t o com e t o t hem , and m ost
im port ant ly, t hey fail t o consciously ask em powering quest ions of t hem selves. They run roughshod
over t his crit ical process wit h no foret hought or sensit ivit y t o t he power t hey are abusing or failing
t o ignit e by t heir lack of fait h.
A classic exam ple of t his is a person who want s t o lose weight and " can't ." I t 's not t hat t hey can't : it 's
t hat t heir present plan of evaluat ing what t o eat is not support ing t hem . They ask quest ions like " What
would m ake m e feel m ost full?" and " What is t he sweet est , richest food I can get away wit h?" This
leads t hem t o select foods filled wit h fat and sugar —a guarant ee of m ore unhappiness. What if inst ead
t hey asked quest ions like " What would really nourish m e?," " What 's som et hing light t hat I can eat
t hat would give m e energy?," or " Will t his cleanse or clog m e?" Bet t er yet , t hey could ask, " I f I eat t his,
what will I have t o give up in order t o st ill achieve m y goals? What 's t he ult im at e price I 'll pay if I don't
st op t his indulgence now?" By asking quest ions like t his, t hey'll associat e pain t o overeat ing, and t heir
behavior will change im m ediat ely.
To change your life for t he bet t er, you m ust change your habit ual quest ions. Rem em ber, t he pat t erns
of quest ions you consist ent ly ask will creat e eit her enervat ion or enj oym ent , indignat ion or inspirat ion,
m isery or m agic. Ask t he quest ions t hat will uplift your spirit and push you along t he pat h of hum an
excellence.
H OW QUESTI ON S W ORK
Quest ions accom plish t hree specific t hings:
1. Quest ions im m ediat ely change what we're focusing on and t herefore how we feel. I f you keep
asking quest ions like " How com e I 'm so depr essed?" or " Why doesn't anybody like m e?" you will focus
on, look for, and find references t o back up t he idea t hat t here is a reason for you t o feel depressed
and unloved. As a result , you'll st ay in t hose unresourceful st at es. I f inst ead you ask, " How can I
change m y st at e so t hat I am feeling happy and am being m ore lovable?," you'll focus on solut ions.
Even if your brain init ially responds, " There's not hing I can do," but like St anislavsky Lech or W.
Mit chell you persist wit h a sense of cert aint y and expect at ion in spit e of it all, t hen event ually you will
get t he answ ers you need and deserve. You will com e up wit h aut hent ic reasons for feeling bet t er, and
as you focus on t hem , your em ot ional st at e will im m ediat ely follow suit .
There's a big difference bet ween an affirm at ion and a quest ion. When you say t o yourself, " I 'm happy;
I 'm happy; I 'm happy," t his m ight cause you t o feel happy if you produce enough em ot ional int ensit y,
change your physiology and t herefore your st at e. But in realit y, you can m ake affirm at ions all day long
and not really change how you feel. What will really change t he way you feel is asking, " What am I
happy about now? What could I be happy about if I want ed t o be? How would t hat m ake m e feel?"
I f you keep asking quest ions like t his, you'll com e up wit h real references t hat will m ake you begin t o
focus on reasons t hat do in fact exist for you t o feel happy. You'll feel cert ain t hat you're happy.
I nst ead of j ust " pum ping you up," quest ions provide you wit h act ual reasons t o feel t he em ot ion. You
and I can change how we feel in an inst ant , j ust by changing our focus. Most of us don't realize t he
power of m em ory m anagem ent . I sn't it t rue t hat you have t reasured m om ent s in your life t hat if all
you did was focus on t hem and t hink about t hem you'd im m ediat ely feel wonderful again in t his
m om ent now? Perhaps it was t he birt h of a child, your wedding day, or your first dat e. Quest ions are
t he guide t o t hose m om ent s. I f you ask yourself quest ions like " What are m y m ost t reasur ed
m em ories?" or " What 's really great in m y life right now?" and you can seriously consider t he quest ion,
you'll st art t hinking of experiences t hat m ake you feel absolut ely phenom enal. And in t hat phenom enal
em ot ional st at e, you'll not only feel bet t er, but you'll be able t o cont ribut e m ore t o t hose around you.
The challenge, as you m ay have guessed, is t hat m ost of us are on aut om at ic pilot . By failing t o
consciously cont rol t he habit ual quest ions we ask, we severely lim it our em ot ional range and t hus our
abilit y t o ut ilize t he resour ces at hand. The solut ion? As we covered in Chapt er 6, t he first st ep is t o
becom e awar e of what you want and discover your old lim it ing pat t ern. Get leverage: ask yourself, " I f
I don't change t his, what is t he ult im at e price? What will t his cost m e in t he long run?" and " How will
m y whole life be t ransfor m ed if I did t his right now?" ; int errupt t he pat t ern ( if you've ever felt pain,
t hen been dist ract ed and not felt it , you know how effect ive t his is) ; creat e a new, em powering
alt ernat ive wit h a set of bet t er quest ions; and t hen condit ion t hem by rehearsing t hem unt il t hey
becom e a consist ent part of your life.
A SKI LL OF POW ER
Learning t o ask em powering quest ions in m om ent s of crisis is a crit ical skill t hat has pulled m e t hrough
som e of t he t oughest t im es in m y life. I 'll never forget t he m om ent I discovered a form er associat e
doing a sem inar and claim ing credit for m at erial I had developed, word for word. My first im pulse was
t o ask t hings like " How dare he! How could he have t he nerve t o do t his?," but I soon realized t hat
get t ing involved in t hese kinds of unanswerable quest ions would only whip m e int o a frenzy, creat ing
an endless loop out of which t here seem ed no escape.
The guy did what he did—I realized I should sim ply allow m y at t orneys t o apply t he pain- pleasure
principle t o st raight en him out —so why should I have st ayed in an angry st at e in t he m eant im e? I
decided t o m ove on and enj oy m y life, but as long as I kept asking, " How could he do t his t o m e?," I 'd
rem ain in t his negat ive st at e. The fast est way t o change m y st at e would be t o ask a series of new
quest ions. So I asked m yself, " What do I respect about t his guy?" At first m y brain scream ed,
" Not hing! " but t hen I asked, " What could I respect about him if I want ed t o?," and finally I cam e up
wit h an answer: " Well, I 've got t o adm it t hat he's not sit t ing around passively; at least he's using what
I t aught him ! " This m ade m e laugh and definit ely broke m y pat t ern, enabling m e t o change m y st at e,
reassess m y opt ions, and feel good about t heir pursuit . One of t he ways t hat I 've discovered t o
increase t he qualit y of m y life is t o m odel t he habit ual quest ions of people I really respect . I f you
find som eone who's ext rem ely happy, I can guarant ee you t hat t here is a reason. I t is t hat t his person
focuses consist ent ly on t hings t hat m ake t hem happy, and t his m eans t hat t hey're asking quest ions
about happiness. Find out t heir quest ions, use t hem , and you'll begin t o feel t he way t hey do.
Som e quest ions we will sim ply not consider. Walt Disney, for inst ance, refused t o ent ert ain any
quest ions about whet her his organizat ions could succeed or not . But t hat doesn't m ean t hat t he
creat or of t he Magic Kingdom did not use quest ions in m ore resourceful ways. My grandfat her, Charles
Shows, was a writ er wit h Disney before he went on t o work wit h Hanna- Barbera developing such
cart oon char act ers as Yogi Bear and Huckleberry Hound. One of t he t hings he shared wit h m e was t hat
anyt im e t hey were working on a new proj ect or script , Disney had a unique way of request ing input .
He designat ed a whole wall on which he would display t he proj ect , script , or idea, and everyone in t he
com pany would com e by and writ e down t he answers t o t he quest ion: " How can we im prove t his?"
They'd writ e solut ion aft er solut ion, covering t he wall wit h suggest ions. Then Disney would review
everyone's answers t o t he quest ion he'd asked. I n t his way, Walt Disney accessed t he r esources of
every person in his com pany, and t hen produced result s com m ensurat e wit h t hat qualit y of input .
The answers we receive depend upon t he quest ions we're willing t o ask. For exam ple, if you're feeling
really angry, and som ebody says, " What 's great about t his?," you m ay not be willing t o respond. But if
you value learning highly, you m ight be willing t o answer your own quest ions of, " What can I leam
from t his sit uat ion? How can I use t his sit uat ion?"
Your desire for new dist inct ions will cause you t o t ake t he t im e t o answer your quest ions, and in so
doing, you'll change your focus, your st at e, and t he result s you're get t ing.
Ask yourself som e em pow ering quest ions right now. What are you t ruly happy about in your life right
now? What 's really great in your life t oday? What are you t ruly grat eful for? Take a m om ent t o t hink
about t he answers and not ice how good it feels t o know t hat you have legit im at e reasons for you t o
feel great now.
2. Quest ions change what we delet e. Hum an beings are m arvelous " delet ion creat ures." You and I
have so m any m illions of t hings going on around us t hat we can focus on right now, from t he blood
flowing t hrough our ears t o t he wind t hat m ay be br ushing against our arm s. However, we can
consciously focus on only a sm all num ber of t hings sim ult aneously. Unconsciously, t he m ind can do all
sort s of t hings, but consciously we're lim it ed in t erm s of t he num ber of t hings we can focus on
sim ult aneously. So t he brain spends a good deal of it s t im e t rying t o priorit ize what t o pay at t ent ion t o,
and m ore im port ant ly, what not t o pay at t ent ion t o, or what t o " delet e."
I f you're feeling really sad, t here is only one reason: it 's because you're delet ing all t he reasons you
could be feeling good. And it you're feeling good, it 's because you're delet ing all t he bad t hings you
could be focusing on. So when you ask som eone a quest ion, you change what t hey're focusing on and
what t hey're delet ing. I f som eone asks you, " Are you as frust rat ed as I am wit h t his proj ect ?," even if
you weren't frust rat ed before, you m ay begin t o focus on what you were delet ing previously, and you
m ay st art t o feel bad, t oo. I f som eone asks you, " What 's really lousy in your life?," t hen you m ay be
com pelled t o answer, regardless of how ridiculous t he quest ion is. I f you don't answer it consciously,
t hen t he quest ion can st ick in your m ind unconsciously.
Conversely, if you're asked, " What 's really great in your life?," and you keep focusing on t he answer,
you m ight find yourself feeling excellent im m ediat ely. I f som eone says, " You know t his proj ect really is
great .
Have you ever t hought about t he im pact we're going t o have because of what we've creat ed her e?,"
you m ight becom e inspired by a proj ect t hat seem ed laborious. Quest ions are t he laser of hum an
consciousness.
They concent rat e our focus and det erm ine what we feel and do. St op for a m om ent and as you look
around t he r oom , ask yourself a quest ion: " What in t his room is brown?" Look around and see it :
brown, brown, brown. Now, look down at t his page. Blocking off your peripheral vision, t hink of
everyt hing t hat 's . . . green. I f you're in a room you know very well, you can probably do t his easily,
but if you're in a st range r oom , chances are t hat you'll rem em ber a lot m ore brown t han green. So
now look around and not ice what 's green: green, green, green. Do you see m ore green t his t im e?
Again, if you're in an unfam iliar environm ent , I 'm sure your answer is yes. What does t his t each us?
What ever we look for we'll find.
So, it you're angry, one of t he best t hings you could ask yourself is, " How can I learn from t his
problem so t hat t his never happens again?" This is an exam ple of a qualit y quest ion, in t hat it will lead
you from your current challenge t o finding resources t hat can keep you from having t his pain in t he
fut ure. Unt il you ask t his quest ion you're delet ing t he possibilit y t hat t his problem is really an
opport unit y.
TH E POW ER OF PRESUPPOSI TI ON
Quest ions have t he power t o affect our beliefs and t hus what we consider possible or im possible. As we
learned in Chapt er 4, asking penet r at ing quest ions can weaken t he reference legs of disem powering
beliefs, enabling us t o dism ant le t hem and replace t hem wit h m ore em powering ones. But did you
realize t hat t he specific words we select and t he ver y order of t he words t hat we use in a quest ion can
cause us t o not even consider cert ain t hings while t aking ot hers for grant ed? This is known as t he
power of presupposit ion, som et hing of which you should be very aware.
Presupposit ions program us t o accept t hings t hat m ay or m ay not be t rue, and t hey can be used on us
by ot hers, or even, subconsciously, by ourselves. For exam ple, if you ask yourself a quest ion like " Why
do I always sabot age m yself?" aft er som et hing ends disappoint ingly, you set yourself up for m ore of
t he sam e and set in m ot ion a self- fulfilling prophecy. Why? Because, as we've already said, your brain
will obedient ly com e up wit h an answer for anyt hing you ask of it . You'll t ake for grant ed t hat you've
sabot aged t hings because you're focusing on why you do it , not on whet her you do it .
One exam ple occurred dur ing t he 1988 president ial elect ion, j ust aft er George Bush had announced
Dan Quayle as his running m at e. A t elevision news organizat ion conduct ed a nat ionwide poll, asking
people t o call a 900 num ber t o answer t he quest ion, " Does it bot her you t hat Dan Quayle used his
fam ily's influence t o go int o t he Nat ional Guard and st ay out of Viet nam ?" The glaring presupposit ion
built int o t his quest ion, of course, was t hat Quayle had indeed used his fam ily's influence t o unfair
advant age—som et hing t hat had never been proven. Yet people responded t o it as if it were a given.
They never quest ioned it , and j ust aut om at ically accept ed it . Worse, m any people called t o say t hat
t hey were ex t rem ely upset about t his fact . No such fact was ever subst ant iat ed!
Unfort unat ely, t his process happens all t oo oft en; we do it t o ourselves and t o ot hers all t he t im e.
Don't fall int o t he t rap of accept ing som eone else's or your own disem powering presupposit ions. Find
references t o back up new beliefs t hat em power you.
3. Quest ions change t he r esources available t o us. I arrived at a crit ical j unct ure in m y life about five
years ago when I cam e hom e from a grueling schedule on t he road t o discover t hat one of m y
business associat es had em bezzled a quart er of a m illion dollars and run m y com pany $758,000 int o
debt . The quest ions I failed t o ask when I first hired t his m an had brought m e t o t his point , and now
m y dest iny hinged on t he new quest ions I would ask. All of m y advisors inform ed m e t hat I had only
one choice: I 'd have t o declare bankrupt cy. They im m ediat ely st art ed asking quest ions like " What
should we sell off first ? Who will t ell t he em ployees?" But I refused t o accept defeat . I resolved t hat ,
what ever it t ook, I would find a way t o keep m y com pany going. I 'm st ill in business t oday not
because of t he great advice I got from t hose around m e, but because I asked a bet t er quest ion: " How
can I t urn t his around?"
Then I asked an even m ore inspirat ional quest ion: "How can I t urn m y com pany around, t ake it t o t he
next level and cause it t o have even m ore im pact t han it ever has in t he past ?" I knew t hat if I asked a
bet t er quest ion, I 'd get a bet t er answ er.
At first , I didn't get t he answer I want ed. I nit ially, it was, " There is no way t o t urn it around," but I
kept asking wit h int ensit y and expect at ion. 1 expanded m y quest ion t o " How can I add ev en m ore
value, and help m ore people even while I sleep? How can I reach people in a way t hat is not lim it ed t o
m y physical presence?" Wit h t hese quest ions cam e t he idea of m y franchise operat ion in which m ore
people could represent m e across t he count ry. Out of t hese sam e quest ions, a year lat er I cam e up
wit h t he idea of producing a t elevision infom ercial, an answer t hat I received from t hat sam e burning
quest ion.
Since t hat t im e, we have creat ed and dist ribut ed over 7 m illion t apes worldwide. Because I asked a
quest ion wit h int ensit y, I got an answer t hat 's helped m e develop relat ionships wit h people all over t he
world whom I would never have ot herwise had a chance t o m eet , know, or t ouch in any way.
I n t he realm of business, especially, quest ions do open up new worlds and give us access t o resources
we m ight not ot herwise realize we have available. At Ford Mot or Com pany, ret ired president Donald
Pet er sen was known for his persist ent quest ions: " What do you t hink? How can your j ob be im proved?"
On one occasion, Pet ersen asked a quest ion t hat undoubt edly st eered Ford's profit abilit y up t he road of
success. He asked designer Jack Telnack, " Do you like t he cars you are designing?" Telnack replied,
" Act ually, no, I don't ." And t hen Pet ersen asked him t he crit ical quest ion: " Why don't you ignore
m anagem ent and design a car you'd love t o own?"
The designer t ook t he president at his word and went t o work on t he 1983 Ford Thunder bird, a car
t hat inspired t he lat er m odels of Taurus and Sable. By 1987, under t he direct ion of m ast er quest ioner
Pet er sen, For d had surpassed General Mot ors in profit abilit y, and t oday Taurus ranks as one of t he
finest cars m ade. Donald Pet er sen is a great exam ple of som eone who really ut ilized t he incredible
power of quest ions. Wit h one sim ple quest ion, he com plet ely changed t he dest iny of Ford Mot or
Com pany. You and I have t hat sam e power at our disposal every m om ent of t he day. At any m om ent ,
t he quest ions t hat we ask ourselves can shape our percept ion of who we are, what we're capable of,
and what we're willing t o do t o achieve our dream s. Learning t o consciously cont rol t he quest ions you
ask will t ake you furt her t o achieving your ult im at e dest iny t han alm ost anyt hing I know. Oft en our
resources ar e lim it ed only by t he quest ions we ask ourselves.
One im port ant t hing t o rem em ber is t hat our beliefs affect t he quest ions we'll even consider. Many
people would never have asked t he quest ion " How can I t urn t hings around?" sim ply because everyone
around t hem had t old t hem it was im possible. They would feel it was a wast e of t heir t im e and energy.
Be careful not t o ask lim it ed quest ions, or you'll receive lim it ed answers. The only t hing t hat lim it s
your quest ions is your belief about what 's possible. A core belief t hat has shaped m y per sonal and
professional dest iny is t hat if I cont inue t o ask any quest ion, I will receive an answer. All we need t o do
is t o creat e a bet t er quest ion, and we'll get a bet t er answer. A m et aphor I som et im es use is t hat life is
j ust a Jeopar dy! gam e; all t he answers are t here—all you have t o do is com e up wit h t he right
quest ions t o win.
PROBLEM - SOLVI N G QUESTI ON S
The key, t hen, is t o develop a pat t ern of consist ent quest ions t hat em power you. You and I bot h know
t hat no m at t er what we're involved wit h in our lives, t here are going t o be t im es when we com e up
against t hese t hings we call " problem s" : t he roadblocks t o personal and professional progress. Every
person, no m at t er what st at ion of life t hey've achieved, has t o deal wit h t hese special " gift s."
The quest ion is not whet her you're going t o have pr oblem s, but how you're going t o deal wit h t hem
when t hey com e up. We all need a syst em at ic way t o deal wit h challenges. So, realizing t he power of
quest ions t o im m ediat ely change m y st at e and give m e access t o resources and solut ions, I began t o
int erview people and ask t hem how t hey got t hem selves out of problem s. I found out t hat t here are
cert ain quest ions t hat seem t o be som ewhat consist ent . Here is a list of t he five quest ions I use for
any t ype of problem t hat com es up, and I can t ell you t hat t hese have absolut ely changed t he qualit y
of m y life. I f you choose t o use t hem , t hey can do t he sam e for you as well.
I 'll never forget one of t he first t im es I used t hese quest ions t o change m y st at e. I t was aft er I 'd been
on t he road alm ost 100 days out of 120.
I was ut t erly exhaust ed. I found a st ack of " urgent " m em os t hat had t o be responded t o from
execut ives of a variet y of m y com panies, and a list of over 100 phone calls t hat I had t o ret urn
personally. These were not calls from people want ing t o visit wit h m e, but im port ant calls t o som e of
m y closest friends, business associat es, and fam ily m em bers. I lost it right t hen and t here! I began t o
ask m yself som e incredibly disem powering quest ions: " How com e I have no t im e? Why don't t hey
leave m e alone?
TH E PROBLEM - SOLVI N G QUESTI ON S
1. What is great about t his problem ?
2. What is not perfect yet ?
3. What am I willing t o do t o m ake it t he way I want it ?
4. What am I willing t o no longer do in order t o m ake it t he way I want it ?
5. How can I enj oy t he process while I do what is necessary t o m ake it t he way I want it ?
Don't t hey underst and I 'm not a m achine? Why don't I ever get a break?" You can im agine what kind
of em ot ional st at e I was in at t his point . Fort unat ely, in t he m idst of it I caught m yself. I broke m y
pat t ern and r ealized t hat get t ing angrier wasn't going t o m ake it any bet t er; it was going t o m ake it
worse. My st at e was m aking m e ask t errible quest ions.
I needed t o change m y st at e by asking som e bet t er quest ions. I t urned t o m y checklist of problem solving quest ions and began wit h,
1. " What is great about t his problem ?" My first response, like so m any ot her t im es, was " Absolut ely
not hing! " But I t hought about it for a m om ent and realized t hat j ust eight years ago I would have
given anyt hing t o have t went y business associat es and friends who want ed t o visit wit h m e, m uch less
100 people of such nat ional im pact and caliber t hat t his list of friends and business associat es
represent ed. As I realized t his, I st art ed t o laugh at m yself, it broke m y pat t er n, and I began t o feel
grat eful t hat t here were so m any people whom I respect and love who want ed t o spend t im e wit h m e.
2. " What is not perfect yet ?" My schedule obviously needed m ore t han a lit t le fine- t uning. 1 felt like I
had no t im e t o m yself, and t hat m y life was out of balance. Not e t he presupposit ion of t his quest ion:
asking " What is not perfect yet ?" clearly im plies t hat t hings will be perfect . This quest ion not only gives
you new answers, but reassures you sim ult aneously.
3. " What am I willing t o do t o m ake it t he way I want it ?" I decided t hen t hat I was willing t o organize
m y life and m y schedule so t hat t hey were m ore balanced, and I was willing t o t ake cont rol and learn
t o say no t o cert ain t hings. I also realized t hat I needed t o hire a new CEO for one of m y com panies,
som eone who could handle som e of m y workload. This would give m e m ore special t im e at hom e and
wit h m y fam ily.
4. " What am I willing t o no longer do in order t o m ake it t he way I want it ?" I knew t hat I could no
longer whine and com plain about how unfair it all was or feel abused when people were really t rying t o
support m e.
5. " How can I enj oy t he process while I do what is necessary t o m ake it t he way I want it ?" When I
asked t his last , m ost im port ant quest ion, I looked around for a way t o m ake it fun. I t hought , " How
can I enj oy m aking 100 calls?" Sit t ing t here at m y desk did not t urn up t he m ent al and em ot ional j uice.
Then I got an idea: I 'd not been in m y Jacuzzi in six m ont hs. I quickly slipped on m y swim t runks,
grabbed m y port able com put er and speaker phone, and headed for t he Jacuzzi. I set up shop out in
m y back yard, and st art ed m aking t he calls. I called a few of m y business associat es in New York and
t eased t hem , saying, " Really, it 's t hat cold? Hm m m . Well, it 's really t ough out here in California, you
know. I 'm sit t ing here in m y Jacuzzi! " We all had fun wit h it and I m anaged t o t urn t he whole " chore"
int o a gam e. ( But I was so wrinkled t hat I looked about 400 year s old by t he t im e I got t o t he bot t om
of m y list ! )
That Jacuzzi is always in m y back yard, but you'll not ice t hat it t ook t he right quest ion t o uncover it as
a resource. By having t he list of t hese five quest ions in front of you on a regular basis, you have a
pat t ern of how t o deal wit h problem s t hat will inst ant ly change your focus and give you access t o t he
resources you need.
" He t hat cannot ask cannot live."
OLD PROVERB
Every m orning when we wake up, we ask ourselves quest ions. When t he alarm goes off, what quest ion
do you ask yourself? I s it , " How com e I have t o get up right now?," " Why aren't t here m or e hours in
t he day?,"
" What if I hit t he snooze alarm j ust one m ore t im e?" And as you get in t he shower, what are you
asking yourself? " Why do I have t o go t o work?," " How bad is t he t raffic going t o be t oday?," " What
kind of st uff is going t o be dum ped on m y desk t oday?" What if every day you consciously st art ed
asking a pat t ern of quest ions t hat would put you in t he right fram e of m ind and t hat caused you t o
rem em ber how grat eful, happy, and ex cit ed you are? What kind of day do you t hink you'd have, wit h
t hose posit ive em ot ional st at es as your filt er? Obviously it would affect how you feel about virt ually
everyt hing.
Realizing t his, I decided I needed a " success rit ual," and I creat ed a series of quest ions t hat I ask
m yself every m orning. The wonderful t hing about asking yourself quest ions in t he m orning is t hat you
can do it in t he shower, while you're shaving or drying your hair, and so on. You're already asking
quest ions anyway, so why not ask t he right ones? I realized t hat t here are cert ain em ot ions we all
need t o cult ivat e in order t o be happy and successful individuals. Ot herwise, you could be winning and
feel like you're losing, if you don't keep score or t ake t he t im e t o feel how fort unat e you are. So t ake
t he t im e now t o review t he following quest ions. Take a m om ent t o deeply experience t he feelings of
each one.
TH E M ORN I N G POW ER QUESTI ON S
Our life experience is based on what we focus on. The following quest ions are designed t o cause you t o
experience m ore happiness, excit em ent , pride, gratit ude, j oy, com m it m ent , and love every day of
your life. Rem em ber, qualit y quest ions creat e a qualit y life.
Com e up wit h t wo or t hree answers t o all of t hese quest ions and feel fully associat ed. I f you have
difficult y discovering an answer sim ply add t he wor d " could." Exam ple: " What could I be m ost happy
about in m y life now?"
1. What am I happy about in m y life now?
What about t hat m akes m e happy? How does t hat m ake m e feel?
2. What am I excit ed about I n m y life now?
What about t hat m akes m e excit ed? How does t hat m ake m e feel?
3. What am I proud about in m y life now?
What about t hat m akes m e proud? How does t hat m ake m e feel?
4. What am I grat eful about I n m y life now?
What about t hat m akes m e grat eful? How does t hat m ake m e feel?
5. What am I enj oying m ost in m y life right now?
What about t hat do I enj oy? How does t hat m ake m e feel?
6. What am I com m it t ed t o in m y life right now?
What about t hat m akes m e com m it t ed? How does t hat m ake m e feel?
7. Who do I love? Who loves m e?
What about t hat m akes m e loving? How does t hat m ake m e feel?
I n t he evening, som et im es I ask t he Morning Quest ions, and som et im es I ask an addit ional t hree
quest ions. Here t hey are:
THE EVENI NG POWER QUESTI ONS
1. What have I given t oday?
I n what ways have I been a giver t oday?
2. What did I learn t oday?
3. How has t oday added t o t he qualit y of m y life or how can I use t oday as an invest m ent in m y
fut ure?
Repeat t he Morning Quest ions ( opt ional) .
I f you really w ant t o creat e a shift in your life, m ake t his a part of your daily rit ual for personal success.
By consist ent ly asking t hese quest ions, you'll find t hat you access your m ost em powering em ot ional
st at es on a r egular basis, and you'll begin t o creat e t he highways t o t hese em ot ions of happiness,
excit em ent , pride, grat it ude, j oy, com m it m ent , and love.
Pret t y soon, you'll find t hat when you open your eyes, t hese quest ions will fire off aut om at ically j ust
out of habit , and you will have t rained yourself t o ask t he kinds of quest ions t hat will em power you t o
experience great er richness in life.
GI VE TH E GI FT OF QUESTI ON S
Once you know how t o ask em powering quest ions, you not only can help yourself, but ot hers as well.
You can give t hese as a gift t o ot her people. Once in New York Cit y, I m et a friend and business
associat e of m ine for lunch. A prom inent lit erary at t orney, I adm ired him for his business acum en and
for t he pract ice he'd built since he was a young m an. But on t hat day, he had suffered what he
perceived as a devast at ing blow—his part ner had left t he firm , leaving him wit h t rem endous overhead
and not m any ideas as t o how t o t urn it around.
Rem em ber t hat what he was focusing on was det er m ining t he m eaning. I n any sit uat ion, you can focus
on what is disem powering, or on what is em powering, and if you look for it t hat 's what you'll find. The
problem was t hat he was asking all t he wrong quest ions: " How could m y part ner abandon m e t his way?
Doesn't he care? Doesn't he realize t hat t his is dest roying m y life? Doesn't he realize t hat I can't do
t his wit hout him ? How will I explain t o m y client s t hat I can't st ay in business any longer?" All of t hese
quest ions were riddled wit h presupposit ions about how his life was dest royed.
I had m any ways in which I could int ervene, but I decided t hat I could j ust ask him a few quest ions. I
said, " Recent ly I 've creat ed t his sim ple quest ions t echnology, and when I 've applied it t o m yself, I 've
found it t o have incredible im pact . I t 's pulled m e out of som e pret t y t ough spot s. Do you m ind if I ask
you a couple quest ions and see if it works for you?" He said, " Yeah, but I don't t hink anyt hing's going
t o help m e right now." So I st art ed out by asking him t he Morning Quest ions, and t hen t he Problem Solving Quest ions.
I st art ed wit h, " What are you happy about ? I know t hat sounds st upid and ridiculous and Pollyanna,
but what are you really happy about ?" His first response was, " Not hing." So I said, " What could you be
happy about right now if you want ed t o be?" He said, " I 'm really happy about m y wife because she's
doing really well right now, and our relat ionship is very close." I asked him , "How does t hat m ake you
feel when you t hink of how close you are wit h her?" He said, " I t 's one of t he m ost incredible gift s in m y
life." I said, "She's a special lady, isn't she?" He st art ed focusing on her and feeling phenom enal.
You m ight say t hat I was j ust dist ract ing him . No, 1 was helping him t o get int o a bet t er st at e, and in a
bet t er st at e, you can com e up wit h bet t er ways of dealing wit h challenges. First we had t o break t he
pat t ern and put him in a posit ive em ot ional environm ent .
I asked him what else he was happy about . He st art ed t alking about how he should be happy about
how he'd j ust helped a writ er t o close his first book deal, and t he writ er was delight ed. He t old m e t hat
he should feel proud, but he didn't . So I asked him , " I f you did feel proud, how would t hat feel?" He
began t o t hink about how great t hat would be, and his st at e began t o change im m ediat ely. I said,
" What are you proud of?" He said, " I 'm really proud of m y kids. They're such special people.
They're not j ust successful in business; t hey really care about people. I 'm proud of who t hey've
becom e as m en and wom en and t hat t hey're m y children. They'r e part of m y legacy." 1 said, " How
does it m ake you feel t o know t hat you've had t hat im pact ?"
All of a sudden, a m an who had earlier believed t hat his life was over cam e alive. I asked him what he
was really grat eful for. He said t hat he was really grat eful t hat he'd m ade it t hrough t he t ough t im es
when he was a young and st ruggling lawyer, t hat he'd built his career from t he bot t om up, t hat he'd
lived t he Am erican Dream . Then I asked, " What are you really excit ed about ?" He said, " Act ually, I 'm
excit ed t hat I have an opport unit y right now t o m ake a change." And it was t he first t im e he'd t hought
about t hat , and it was because he'd changed his st at e so radically. I asked him , " Who do you love, and
who loves you?" He st art ed t alking about his fam ily and how incredibly close t hey were. So I asked
him , " What 's great about your part ner's leaving?" He said, " You know, what could be great about t his
is t hat I hat e com ing t o New York Cit y. I love being at m y hom e in Connect icut ." He cont inued, " What 's
great about t his is t hat I get t o look at everyt hing in a new way." This st art ed a whole st ring of
possibilit ies and he resolved t o set up a new office in Connect icut not five m inut es from his hom e,
bring his son int o t he business, and have an answering service pick up his calls in Manhat t an. He got
so excit ed, he decided t o im m ediat ely go and look for a new office.
I n a m at t er of m inut es, t he power of quest ions had worked t heir m agic. He always had t he resources
t o be able t o deal wit h t his, but t he disem powering quest ions he'd asked had r ender ed his power
inaccessible, and had caused him t o see him self as an old m an who'd lost everyt hing he'd built . I n
realit y, life had given him a t rem endous gift , but t he t rut h had been delet ed unt il he st art ed asking
qualit y quest ions.
A QUESTI ON OF D ESTI N Y
One of m y favorit e people—and one of t he m ost im passioned m en I 've ever m et —is Leo Buscaglia,
aut hor of Love and m any ot her out st anding books in t he area of hum an relat ions. One of t he t hings
t hat is great about Leo is his cont inued persist ence in asking him self a quest ion t hat his fat her inst illed
in him from t he t im e he was a lit t le boy. Each day at t he dinner t able, his fat her would ask, " Leo, what
have you learned t oday?" Leo had t o have an answer, and a qualit y one. I f he hadn't learned
som et hing really int erest ing in school t hat day, he would run and get t he encyclopedia t o st udy
som et hing t hat he could share. He says t hat t o t his day he won't go t o bed unt il he's learned
som et hing new t hat 's of value. As a result he's const ant ly st im ulat ing his m ind, and a great deal of his
passion and love for learning has com e from t his quest ion, asked repeat edly, begun decades ago.
What are som e quest ions t hat would be useful for you t o ask of yourself on a regular basis? I know
t wo of m y favorit e are t he m ost sim ple. They help m e t o t urn around any challenges t hat m ay com e up
in m y life. They are sim ply, " What 's great about t his?" and " How can I use t his?" By asking what 's
great about any sit uat ion, I usually find som e power ful, posit ive m eaning, and by asking how I can use
it , I can t ake any challenge and t urn it int o a benefit . So what are t wo quest ions t hat you can use t o
change your em ot ional st at es or give you t he resources you t ruly desire? Add t wo t o t he st andard
m orning quest ions I 've already given you, and cust om ize t hem so t hat t hey m eet your personal and
em ot ional needs.
Som e of t he m ost im port ant quest ions we'll ask in our lives are " What is m y life really about ?," " What
am I really com m it t ed t o?," " Why am I here?," and " Who am I ?" These ar e incredibly powerful
quest ions, but if you wait t o get t he per fect answer, you're going t o be in deep t rouble.
Oft en, t he first em ot ional, gut - level response you get t o any quest ion is t he one you should t rust and
act upon. This is t he final point I want t o m ake wit h you. There's a point at which you m ust st op asking
quest ions in order t o m ak e progr ess. I f you keep asking quest ions, you're going t o be uncert ain, and
only cert ain act ions will produce cert ain result s. At som e point , you've got t o st op evaluat ing and st art
doing.
How? You finally decide what 's m ost im port ant t o you, at least m t he m om ent , and you use your
personal power t o follow t hrough and begin t o change t he qualit y of your life. So let m e ask you a
quest ion. I f t here was one act ion t hat you could t ake im m ediat ely t o inst ant ly change t he qualit y of
your em ot ions and feelings each and every day of your life, would you want t o know about it ? Then go
on quickly t o ...
9
THE VOCABULARY OF ULTI MATE SUCCESS
" A powerful agent is t he right word. Whenever we com e upon one of t hose int ensely right words . . .
t he result ing effect is physical as well as spirit ual, and elect rically prom pt ."
MARK TWAI N
Words . . . They've been used t o m ak e us laugh and cry. They can wound or heal. They offer us hope
or devast at ion. Wit h words we can m ake our noblest int ent ions felt and our deepest desires known.
Throughout hum an hist ory, our great est leaders and t hinkers have used t he power of words t o
t ransform our em ot ions, t o enlist us in t heir causes, and t o shape t he course of dest iny. Words can not
only creat e em ot ions, t hey creat e act ions. And from our act ions flow t he result s of our lives. When
Pat rick Henry st ood before his fellow delegat es and proclaim ed, " I know not what course ot hers m ay
t ake; but as for m e, give m e libert y, or give m e deat h! ," his words ignit ed a firest orm t hat un- leashed
our forefat hers' unbridled com m it m ent t o ext inguish t he t yranny t hat had suppressed t hem for so long.
The privileged herit age t hat you and I share, t he choices t hat we have t oday because we live in t his
nat ion, were creat ed by m en who chose words t hat would shape t he act ions of generat ions t o com e:
When in t he Course of hum an Event s,
it becom es necessary for one People t o
dissolve t he Polit ical Bands which have connect ed t hem wit h anot her . . .
This sim ple Declarat ion of I ndependence, t his assem blage of words, becam e t he vessel of change for a
nat ion. Cert ainly, t he im pact of words is not lim it ed t o t he Unit ed St at es of 201 Am erica. During World
War I I , when t he very survival of Great Brit ain was in quest ion, one m an's words helped t o m obilize
t he will of t he English people. I t was once said t hat Winst on Churchill had t he unique abilit y t o send
t he English language int o bat t le. His fam ous call t o all Brit ons t o m ake t his t heir " finest hour" result ed
in courage beyond com pare, and crushed Hit ler's delusion about t he invincibilit y of his war
m achine.
Most beliefs are form ed by words—and t hey can be changed by words as well. Our nat ion's view of
racial equalit y was cert ainly shaped by act ions, but t hose act ions were inspired by im passioned words.
Who can forget t he m oving invocat ion of Mart in Lut her King, j r., as he shared his vision, " I have a
dream t hat one day t his nat ion will rise up and live t he t rue m eaning of it s creed . . ." ?
Many of us are well aware of t he powerful pan t hat words have played in our hist ory, of t he power t hat
great speakers have t o m ove us, but few of us are aware of our own power t o use t hese sam e words
t o m ove ourselves em ot ionally, t o challenge, em bolden, and st rengt hen our spirit s, t o m ove ourselves
t o act ion, t o seek great er richness from t his gift we call life.
An effect ive select ion of words t o descr ibe t he exper ience of our lives can height en our m ost
em powering em ot ions. A poor select ion of words can devast at e us j ust as surely and j ust as swift ly.
Most of us m ake unconscious choices in t he words t hat we use; we sleepwalk our way t hrough t he
m aze of possibilit ies available t o us. Realize now t he power t hat your words com m and if you sim ply
choose t hem wisely.
What a gift t hese sim ple sym bols are! We t ransfor m t hese unique shapes w e call let t ers ( or sounds, in
t he case of t he spoken word) int o a unique and rich t apest ry of hum an exper ience. They provide us
wit h a vehicle for expressing and sharing our experience wit h ot hers; however , m ost of us don't realize
t hat t he words you habit ually choose also affect how you com m unicat e wit h yourself and t herefore
what you experience.
Words can inj ure our egos or inflam e our heart s—we can inst ant ly change any em ot ional experience
sim ply by choosing new words t o describe t o ourselves what we're feeling. I f, however, we t ail t o
m ast er words, and if we allow t heir select ion t o be det erm ined st rict ly by unconscious habit , we m ay
be denigrat ing our ent ire experience of life. I f you describe a m agnificent experience as being " pret t y
good," t he rich t ext ure of it will be sm oot hed and m ade flat by your lim it ed use of vocabulary. People
wit h an im poverished vocabulary live an im poverished em ot ional life; people wit h rich vocabularies
have a m ult ihued palet t e of colors wit h which t o paint t heir experience, not only for ot hers, but for
t hem selves as well.
Most people are not challenged, t hough, by t he size of t he vocabulary t hey consciously underst and,
but rat her by t he words t hey choose t o use. Many t im es, we use words as " short cut s," but oft en
t hese short cut s short change us em ot ionally. To consciously cont rol our lives, we need t o consciously
evaluat e and im prove our consist ent vocabulary t o m ake sure t hat it is pulling us in t he direct ion we
desire inst ead of t hat which we wish t o avoid. You and I m ust realize t hat t he English language is filled
wit h words t hat , in addit ion t o t heir lit eral m eanings, convey dist inct em ot ional int ensit y. For exam ple,
if you develop a habit of saying you " hat e" t hings—you " hat e" your hair; you " hat e" your j ob; you
" hat e" having t o do som et hing—do you t hink t his raises t he int ensit y of your negat ive em ot ional st at es
m ore t han if you were t o use a phrase like " I prefer som et hing else" ?
Using em ot ionally charged words can m agically t ransform your own st at e or som eone else's. Think of
t he word " chivalry." Does it conj ure up different im ages and have m ore em ot ional im pact t han words
like " polit eness" or " gent lem anliness" ? I know t hat for m e it does. Chivalry m akes m e t hink of a valiant
knight seat ed on a whit e st eed, cham pioning his raven- haired dam sel; it conveys nobilit y of spirit , a
great round t able about which are seat ed m en of honor, t he whole Art hurian et hic—in short , t he
wonder of Cam elot . Or how do t he words " im peccable" or " int egrit y" com pare t o " well done" and
" honest y" ? The words " pursuit of excellence" cert ainly creat e m ore int ensit y t han " t rying t o m ake
t hings bet t er ."
For years I 've observed first hand t he power of changing j ust one key word in com m unicat ing wit h
som eone, and not ed how it inst ant ly changes t he w ay people feel—and oft en t he way t hey
subsequent ly behaved. Aft er working wit h hundreds of t housands of people, I can t ell you som et hing I
know beyond a shadow of a doubt , som et hing t hat at first glance m ay be hard t o believe: Sim ply by
changing your habit ual vocabulary—t he words you consist ent ly use t o describe t he em ot ions of your
life—you can inst ant aneously change how you t hink, how you feel, and how you live.
The experience t hat first t riggered t his insight for m e occurred several years ago in a business m eet ing.
I was wit h t wo m en, one who used t o be t he CEO of one of m y com panies and t he ot her a m ut ual
associat e and good friend, and in t he m idst of t he m eet ing we received som e rat her upset t ing news.
Som eone wit h whom we were negot iat ing was obviously " t rying t o t ake unfair advant age," had
violat ed t he int egrit y of our underst anding, and it appear ed he had t he upper hand. To say t he least ,
t his angered and upset m e, but alt hough I was caught up in t he sit uat ion, I couldn't help but not ice
how different ly t he t wo people sit t ing next t o m e responded t o t he sam e inform at ion.
My CEO was out of cont rol wit h rage and fury while m y associat e was hardly m oved by t he sit uat ion.
How could all t hree of us hear of t hese act ions t hat should have im pact ed us all equally ( we all had t he
sam e st ake in t he negot iat ion) , yet respond in such radically different ways? Quit e honest ly, t he
int ensit y of m y CEO's response t o t he sit uat ion seem ed even t o m e t o be disproport ionat e t o what had
occurred. He kept t alking about how " furious" and " enraged" he was, as his face t urned beet - red and
t he veins in his forehead and neck visibly prot ruded. He clearly linked act ing on his rage wit h eit her
elim inat ing pain or gaining pleasure. When I asked him what being enraged m eant t o him , why he was
allowing him self t o be so int ense about t his, t hrough clenched t eet h he said, "I f you're in a rage, you
get st ronger, and when you're st rong, you can m ake t hings happen—you can t urn anyt hing around! "
He regarded t he em ot ion of rage as a r esource for get t ing him self out of t he experience of pain and
int o t he pleasure of feeling like he was in cont rol of t he business.
I t hen t urned t o t he next quest ion in m y m ind: Why was m y friend responding t o t he sit uat ion wit h
alm ost no em ot ion at all? I said t o him , " You don't seem t o be upset by t his. Aren't you angry?" And
m y CEO said, " Doesn't it m ake you FURI OUS?" My friend sim ply said, " No, it 's not wort h being upset
over." As he said t his, I realized t hat in t he several years 1 had known him , I 'd never seen him
becom e very upset about anyt hing. I asked him what being upset m eant t o him , and he responded, " I f
you get upset , t hen you lose cont rol." "I nt erest ing," I t hought . " What happens if you lose cont rol?" He
said m at t er- of- fact ly, " Then t he ot her guy wins."
I couldn't have asked for a great er cont rast : one person clearly linked t he pleasure of t aking cont rol t o
becom ing angry, while t he ot her linked t he pain of losing cont rol t o t he sam e em ot ion. Their behavior
obviously reflect ed t heir beliefs. I began t o exam ine m y own feelings. What did I believe about t his?
For years I 'v e believed t hat I can handle anyt hing it I 'm angry, but 1 also believe t hat I don't have t o
be angry t o do so. I can be equally effect ive in a peak st at e of happiness. As a result , I don't avoid
anger—I use it if I get in t hat st at e—nor do I pursue it , since I can access m y st rengt h wit hout being
" furious." What really int erest ed m e was t he difference in t he words t hat we all used t o describe t his
experience. I had used t he words " angry" and " upset ," m y CEO had used t he words " furious" and
" enraged," and m y friend had said t hat he was " a bit annoyed" by t he experience. I couldn't believe it !
Annoyed?
I t urned t o him and said, " That 's all you feel, j ust a lit t le bit annoyed? You m ust get really angry or
upset som e of t he t im e." He said, " Not really. I t t akes a lot t o m ake t hat happen, and it alm ost never
occurs." I asked him , " Do you rem em ber t he t im e t he I RS t ook a quart er- of a m illion dollars of your
m oney, and it was t heir m ist ake? Didn't it t ake you t wo and a half years t o get t he m oney back? Didn't
t hat m ake you unbelievably angry?" My CEO chim ed in, " Didn't t hat m ake you LI VI D?" He said, " No, it
didn't upset m e. Maybe I was a lit t le bit peeved." Peeved? I t hought t his was t he st upidest word I 'd
ever heard! I would never have used a word like t hat t o describe m y em ot ional int ensit y. How could
t his wealt hy and successful businessm an go around using a word like " peeved" and st ill keep a st raight
face? The answer is, he didn't keep a st raight face! He seem ed alm ost t o enj oy t alking about t hings
t hat would have driven m e crazy.
I began t o w onder, " I f I did use t hat word t o describe m y em ot ions, how would I begin t o feel? Would I
find m yself sm iling where I used t o be st ressed? Hm m m ," I t hought , " m aybe t his warrant s som e
looking int o." For days aft er t hat , I cont inued t o be int rigued by t he idea of using m y friend's language
pat t erns and seeing what it would do t o m y em ot ional int ensit y. What m ight happen if, when I was
feeling really angry, I could t urn t o som ebody and say, " This really peeves m e! " ? Just t he t hought of it
m ade m e laugh—it was so ridiculous. For fun, I decided t o give it a shot . I got m y first opport unit y t o
use it aft er a long night flight when I arrived at m y hot el. Because one of m y st aff had neglect ed t o
handle t he check- in for m e, I had t he privilege of st anding at t he front desk for an ext ra fift een or
t went y m inut es, physically exhaust ed and at m y em ot ional t hreshold. The clerk dragged him self t o t he
check- in count er and began t o hunt - and- peck m y nam e int o t he com put er at a pace t hat would m ake
a snail im pat ient . I felt " a bit of anger" welling up inside of m e, so I t urned t o t he clerk and said, " You
know, I know t his isn't your fault , but right now I 'm exhaust ed and I need t o get t o m y room quickly
because t he longer I st and here t he m ore I fear I will becom e a bit PEEVED."
The clerk glanced up at m e wit h a som ewhat perplexed look, and t hen broke a sm ile. I sm iled back;
m y pat t ern was broken. The em ot ional volcano t hat had been building up inside of m e inst ant ly cooled,
and t hen t wo t hings happened. I act ually enj oyed visit ing for a few m om ent s wit h t he clerk, and he
sped up. Could j ust put t ing a new label on m y sensat ions be enough t o break m y pat t ern and t ruly
change m y experience? Could it really be t hat easy? What a concept ! Over t he next week, I t ried m y
new word over and over again. I n each case, I found t hat saying it had t he im pact of im m ediat ely
lowering m y em ot ional int ensit y. Som et im es it m ade m e laugh, but at t he very m inim um it st opped
t he m om ent um of being upset from rushing m e int o a st at e of anger. Wit hin t wo weeks, I didn't even
have t o work on using t he word: it becam e habit ual. I t becam e m y first choice in describing m y
em ot ions, and I found m yself no longer get t ing in t hese ext rem ely angry st at es at all. I becam e m ore
and m ore fascinat ed wit h t his t ool t hat I 'd st um bled across. I realized t hat by changing m y habit ual
vocabulary, I was t ransform ing m y experience; I was using what I would lat er call " Transform at ional
Vocabulary." Gradually, I began t o experim ent wit h ot her words, and I found t hat if I cam e up wit h
words t hat were pot ent enough, I could inst ant ly lower or increase m y int ensit y about virt ually
anyt hing.
How does t his process really work? Think of it t his way: im agine t hat your five senses funnel a series
of sensat ions t o your brain. You're get t ing visual, audit ory, kinest het ic, olfact ory, and gust at ory st im uli,
and t hey are all t ranslat ed by your sense organs int o int ernal sensat ions. Then t hey m ust be organized
int o cat egories. But how do we know what t hese im ages, sounds, and ot her sensat ions m ean? One of
t he m ost powerful ways t hat m an has learned t o quickly decide what sensat ions m ean ( is it pain or
pleasure?) is t o creat e labels for t hem , and t hese labels are what you and I know as " words."
Here's t he challenge: all of your sensat ions are com ing t o you t hrough t his funnel, like liquid sensat ion
poured t hrough a t hin spout int o various m olds called words. I n our desire t o m ake decisions quickly,
rat her t han using all of t he words available t o us and finding t he m ost appropr iat e and accurat e
descript ion, we oft en force t he experience int o a disem powering m old. We form habit ual favorit es:
m olds t hat shape and t ransform our life experience. Unfort unat ely, m ost of us have not consciously
evaluat ed t he im pact of t he words we've grown accust om ed t o using. The problem occurs when we
st art consist ent ly pouring any form of negat ive sensat ion int o t he word- m old of " furious" or
" depr essed" or " hum iliat ed" or " insecure." And t his word m ay not accurat ely reflect t he act ual
experience. The m om ent we place t his m old around our experience, t he label we put on it becom es our
experience. What was " a bit challenging" becom es " devast at ing."
For exam ple, m y CEO used " furious," "livid," and " enraged" ; I called it " angry" or " upset " ; and when it
cam e t o m y friend, he poured 66 his experience int o t he m old of " peeved" or " annoyed." What 's
int erest ing is t hat all of us, I discovered, use t hese sam e pat t erns of words t o describe m ult it udes of
frust rat ing experiences. You and I need t o know t hat we can all have t he sam e sensat ions, but t he way
in which we organize t hem —t he m old or word we use for t hem —becom es our experience. I lat er found
t hat by using m y friend's m old ( t he words " peeved" or " annoyed" )
I inst ant ly was able t o change t he int ensit y of m y experience. I t becam e som et hing else. This is t he
essence of Transform at ional Vocabulary: t he words t hat we at t ach t o our experience becom e our
experience. Thus, we m ust consciously choose t he words we use t o describe our em ot ional st at es, or
suffer t he penalt y of creat ing great er pain t han is t ruly warrant ed or appropriat e.
Lit erally, words are used t o re- present t o us what our experience of life is. I n t hat represent at ion, t hey
alt er our percept ions and feelings.
Rem em ber, if t hree people can have t he sam e experience, yet one person feels rage, anot her feels
anger, and t he t hird feels annoyance, t hen obviously t he sensat ions are being changed by each
person's t ranslat ion.
Since words are our prim ary t ool for int erpret at ion or t ranslat ion, t he way we label our experience
im m ediat ely changes t he sensat ions produced in our nervous syst em s. You and I m ust realize t hat
words do indeed cr eat e a biochem ical effect .
I f you doubt t his, I 'd like you t o honest ly consider whet her or not t here are words t hat , if som eone
were t o use t hem , would im m ediat ely creat e an em ot ional react ion. I f som eone hurls a racial slur at
you, how does t hat m ake you feel? Or if som eone were t o call you a four- let t er word, for exam ple,
wouldn't t hat change your st at e? There's probably a big difference bet ween som eone calling you by t he
init ials " S.O.B." and having t hem art iculat e in graphic det ail t he phrase t hese let t ers st and for.
Wouldn't it produce a different level of t ension in your body t han if t hey were t o call you an " angel" ? Or
a " genius" ? Or a " dude" ? We all link t rem endous levels of pain t o cert ain words. When I int erviewed Dr.
Leo Buscaglia, he shared wit h m e t he findings of a research st udy done at an east ern universit y in t he
lat e fift ies. People were asked, " How would you define com m unism ?" An ast onishing num ber of t he
66
pou r gießen, schüt t en; pour out ausgießen, - schüt t en; Get ränk eingießen; st röm en ( auch über t ragen)
respondent s were t errorized even by t he quest ion, but not m any could act ually define it —all t hey knew
was t hat it was horrifying! One wom an even went so far as t o say, " Well, I don't really know what t hat
m eans, but t here hadn't bet t er be any in Washingt on." One m an said t hat he knew everyt hing he
needed t o know about Com m unist s and t hat what you needed t o do was kill t hem ! But he couldn't
even explain what t hey were. There is no denying t he power of labels t o creat e sensat ions and
em ot ions.
" Words form t he t hread on which we st ring our experiences."
ALDOUS HUXLEY
As I began t o explore t he power of vocabulary, I st ill found m yself fight ing t he idea t hat som et hing as
sim plist ic as changing t he words t hat we use could ever m ake such a radical difference in our life
experience.
But when m y st udy of language int ensified, I cam e across som e surprising fact s t hat began t o
convince m e t hat words absolut ely do filt er and t ransform experience. For inst ance, I found t hat ,
according t o Com pt on's Encyclopedia, English cont ains at least 500,000 words, and I 've since read
from ot her sources t hat t he t ot al m ay be closer t o 750,000 wor ds! English definit ely has t he largest
num ber of words of any language on eart h t oday, wit h Germ an running a dist ant second, t allying
roughly half t he num ber.
What I found so fascinat ing was t hat , wit h t he im m ense num ber of words we could possibly use, our
habit ual vocabulary is ext rem ely lim it ed. Various linguist s have shared wit h m e t hat t he average
person's working vocabulary consist s of only bet ween 2,000 and 10,000 words. Conservat ively
est im at ing English t o cont ain half a m illion words, t hat m eans we regularly use only ½ of 1 percent t o
2 percent of t he language!
What 's an ev en great er t r agedy? Of t hese words, how m any do you t hink describe em ot ions? I was
able t o find over 3,000 words relat ed t o hum an em ot ion by going t hrough a gr oup of t hesauruses.
What st ruck m e was t he proport ion of words t hat describe negat ive versus posit ive em ot ions. By m y
count , 1,051 words describe posit ive em ot ions, while 2,086 ( al- m ost t wice as m any! ) describe
negat ive em ot ions. Just as one exam ple, I found 264 words t o describe t he em ot ion of sadness—words
like " despondent ," " sullen," " heavy- heart ed," " m oody," " woeful," " grievous," " t earful," " m elancholy" —
yet only 105 t o describe cheerfulness, as in " blit he," " j aunt y," " perky," " zest ful," and " buoyant ." No
wonder people feel bad m ore t han t hey feel good!
As I described t o you in Chapt er 7, when part icipant s at m y Dat e Wit h Dest iny sem inar m ake out t heir
list of em ot ions t hat t hey feel in a week, t he m aj orit y of t hem com e up wit h only about a dozen. Why?
I t 's because we all t end t o experience t he sam e em ot ions again and again: cert ain people t end t o be
frust rat ed all of t he t im e, or angry, or insecure, or fright ened, or depr essed. One of t he reasons is t hat
t hey const ant ly use t hese sam e words t o describe t heir experience. I f we were t o analyze m ore
crit ically t he sensat ions we have in our bodies, and be m ore creat ive in our way of evaluat ing t hings,
we m ight at t ach a new label t o our experience and t hereby change our em ot ional realit y.
I rem em ber reading years ago about a st udy conduct ed in a prison. Typically, it was found t hat when
inm at es experienced pain, one of t he few ways t hey could com m unicat e it was t hrough physical
act ion—t heir lim it ed vocabulary lim it ed t heir em ot ional range, channeling even t he slight est feelings of
discom fort int o height ened levels of violent anger. What a cont rast t o som eone like William F. Buckley,
whose erudit ion and com m and of t he language allow him t o paint such a broad pict ure of em ot ions and
t hus represent wit hin him self a variet y of sensat ions! I f we want t o change our lives and shape our
dest iny, we need t o consciously select t he words we're going t o use, and we need t o const ant ly st rive
t o expand our level of choice.
To give you furt her perspect ive, t he Bible uses 7,200 different words; t he poet and essayist John
Milt on's writ ing included 17,000; and it 's said t hat William Shakespeare used over 24,000 words in his
varied works, 5,000 of t hem only once. I n fact , he's responsible for creat ing or coining m any of t he
English words we com m only use t oday. Here's a list of j ust a few you m ight find int erest ing:
RI PPI NGLY ON THE TONGUE
Here, from t he book, Brush Up Your Shakespear e! by Michael Macrone, is a sm at t ering of powerful,
st at e- inducing words coined by t he m ast er of t he English language, Shakespeare.
am azem ent
m oney's wort h
savagery
arch- villain
m oonbeam
shipwrecked
assassinat ion
m ort ifying
shoot ing st ar
bloodst ained
t o negot iat e
t o sire
blust er
nim ble- foot ed
t o sneak
t o cham pion
obscene
t o squabble
cold- heart ed
Olym pian
st ealt hy
disgraceful
pageant ry
t o swagger
event ful
t o perplex
t ardiness
fat hom less
t o puke
t im e- honored
gallant ry
puppy dog
t o t ort ure
host ile
on purpose
t ranquil
invulnerable
quarrelsom e
t ranscendence
j aded
radiance
t rippingly
lacklust er
reliance
uneart hly
laughable
rem orseless
wat chdog
lust rous
rose- cheeked
yelping
m adcap
sacrificial
zany
m aj est ic
Linguist s have proven bey ond a shadow of a doubt t hat cult urally we're shaped by our language.
Doesn't it m ake sense t hat t he English language is so verb- orient ed? Aft er all, as a cult ure we're very
act ive and pride ourselves on our focus of t aking act ion. The words we use consist ent ly affect t he way
we evaluat e, and t herefor e t he way we t hink. By cont rast , t he Chinese cult ure places a high value on
t hat which does not change, a fact reflect ed in t he m any dialect s feat uring a predom inance of nouns
rat her t han verbs. From t heir perspect ive, nouns represent t hings t hat will last , while verbs ( as act ions)
will be here t oday and gone t om orrow.
Thus, it 's im port ant t o realize t hat words shape our beliefs and im pact our act ions. Words are t he
fabric from which all quest ions are cut . As we not ed in t he last chapt er, by changing one word in a
quest ion, we can inst ant ly change t he answer we'll get for t he qualit y of our lives.
The m ore I pursued an underst anding of t he im pact of words, t he m ore im pressed I becam e wit h t heir
power t o sway hum an em ot ion, not only wit hin m yself, but wit hin ot hers as well.
" Wit hout knowing t he force of words, it is im possible t o know m en."
CONFUCI US
One day I began t o realize t hat t his idea, as sim ple as it was, was no fluke, t hat Transfor m at ional
Vocabulary was a realit y, and t hat by changing our habit ual words, we could lit erally change t he
em ot ional pat t erns of our lives. Furt her, we could t herefore m old t he act ions, direct ions, and ult im at e
dest inies of our lives. One day I was sharing t hese dist inct ions wit h a longt im e friend of m ine. Bob
Bays. As I did so, I could see him light up like a Christ m as t ree. He said, " Wow! I have anot her
dist inct ion t o give you." He began t o relat e an experience t o m e t hat he'd had recent ly. He, t oo, had
been on t he r oad keeping an int ense schedule and m eet ing ever yone else's dem ands. When he finally
cam e hom e, all he want ed t o do was have som e " space." He has a hom e on t he ocean in Malibu, but
it 's a very sm all place, not designed t o have house guest s, m uch less t hree or t our.
When he arrived on his doorst ep, he found t hat his wife had invit ed her brot her t o st ay wit h t hem , and
t hat his daught er, Kelly, who was supposed t o visit for t wo weeks, had decided t o st ay for t wo m ont hs.
To add insult t o inj ury, som eone had t urned off t he VCR t hat he'd preset for a foot ball gam e he'd been
looking forward t o viewing for days! As you can im agine, he hit his own " em ot ional t hreshold," and
when he found out who had t urned off his VCR—his daught er—he im m ediat ely unloaded on her,
scream ing all t he four- let t er words he could t hink of. This was t he very first t im e in her life t hat he had
even raised his voice t o her, m uch less used language of t hat color. She im m ediat ely burst int o t ears.
Wit nessing t his scene. Bob's wife, Brandon, broke int o peals of laught er. Since t his was so unlike Bob's
norm al behavior, she assum ed t his was an out rageous and m assive pat t ern int errupt . I n realit y, he
wished he had been doing a pat t ern int errupt . Aft er t he sm oke began t o clear, and she realized he
was act ually furious, she becam e concerned, so she gave him som e very valuable feedback. She said,
" Bob, you're act ing so st rangely. You never act t his way. You know, I not iced som et hing else: you
keep using a cert ain word t hat I 've nev er heard you use before. Usually when you're st ressed, you say
you're overloaded, but lat ely I hear you t alking all t he t im e about how you're overwhelm ed. You never
say t hat ; Kelly uses t hat word, and when she does, she feels t his sam e kind of rage and behaves very
m uch like you j ust did."
" Wow," I began t o t hink as Bob t old m e t he st ory, " I s it possible t hat , by adopt ing som eone else's
habit ual vocabulary, you began t o adopt t heir em ot ional pat t erns as well?" And isn't t his especially t rue
if you've adopt ed not only t heir words, but also t heir volum e, int ensit y, and t onalit y, t oo?
" I n t he beginning was t he Word..."
JOHN 1: 1
I 'm sure t hat one of t he reasons we oft en becom e like t he people we spend t im e wit h is t hat we do
adopt som e of t heir em ot ional pat t erns by adopt ing som e of t heir habit ual vocabulary. People who
spend any am ount of t im e wit h m e soon find t hem selves using words like " passionat e," " out rageous,"
and " spect acular" t o describe t heir experiences. Can you im agine t he difference t hat produces in t heir
posit ive st at es as com pared t o som eone who says t hey're m erely feeling " okay" ? Can you im agine how
using t he word " passion" could cause you t o peg your em ot ional scale? I t 's a word t hat t ransform s,
and because I consist ent ly use it , m y life has m ore em ot ional j uice.
Transform at ional Vocabulary can allow us t o int ensify or dim inish any em ot ional st at e, posit ive or
negat ive. This m eans it gives us t he power t o t ake t he m ost negat ive feelings in our lives and lower
t heir int ensit y t o t he point where t hey no longer bot her us, and t ake t he m ost posit ive experiences and
m ove t hem t o even great er height s of pleasure and em powerm ent .
Lat er t hat day, as Bob and I were having lunch, we becam e im m ersed in a series of proj ect s we were
working on t oget her. At one point , he t urned t o m e and said, " Tony, I can't believe t hat anyone in t he
world could ever be bor ed." I agreed. " I know what you m ean. Seem s crazy, doesn't it ?" He said,
" Yeah, boredom 's not even in m y vocabulary." Just as he said t hat , I asked, " What did you j ust say?
Boredom is a word t hat 's not in your vocabulary... Do you rem em ber what we were t alking about
earlier? I t 's not in your vocabulary, and you don't experience t he feeling.
Hm m m . I s it possible t hat we don't experience cert ain em ot ions because we don't have a word t o
represent t hem ?"
TH E W ORD S YOU CON SI STEN TLY SELECT W I LL SH APE YOUR D ESTI N Y
Earlier I said t hat t he way we represent t hings in our m inds det er m ines how we feel about life. A
relat ed dist inct ion is t hat if you don't have a way of represent ing som et hing, you can't experience it .
While it m ay be t rue t hat you can pict ure som et hing wit hout having a word for it , or you can represent
it t hrough sound or sensat ion, t here's no denying t hat being able t o art iculat e som et hing gives it
added dim ension and subst ance, and t hus a sense of realit y. Words are a basic t ool for represent ing
t hings t o ourselves, and oft en if t here's no word, t here's no way t o t hink about t he experience. For
exam ple, som e Nat ive Am erican languages have no word for " lie" —t hat concept is sim ply not a part of
t heir language. Nor is it a part of t heir t hinking or behavior. Wit hout a word for it , t he concept doesn't
seem t o exist . I n fact , t he Tasaday t ribe in t he Philippines report edly ^ as no words for " dislike," " hat e"
or " war" —what a t hought !
Ret urning t o m y init ial quest ion, if Bob never feels bored, and he doesn't have t hat word in his
vocabulary, I had t o ask furt her, " What 's a word t hat 1 never used t o describe how I 'm feeling?" The
answer I cam e up wit h was " depr ession." 1 m ay get frust rat ed, angry, curious, peeved, or overloaded,
but I never get depressed. Why? Had it always been t hat way? No. Eight years ago, I 'd been in a
posit ion where I felt depressed all t he t im e. That depression drained every ounce of m y will t o change
m y life, and at t he t im e it m ade m e see m y problem s as perm anent , pervasive, and personal.
Fort unat ely I got enough pain t hat I pulled m yself out of t hat pit , and as a result I linked m assive pain
t o depr ession. I began t o believe t hat being depr essed was t he closest t hing t o being dead. Because
m y brain associat ed such m assive pain t o t he very concept of depression, wit hout m y even realizing it ,
I had aut om at ically banned it from m y vocabulary so t hat t here was no way t o represent or even feel it .
I n one st roke I had purged m y vocabulary of disem powering language and t hus a feeling t hat can
devast at e ev en t he st out est of heart s. I f an assem blage of words you're using is creat ing st at es t hat
disem power you, get rid of t hose words and replace t hem wit h t hose t hat em power you!
At t his point you m ay be saying, " This is j ust sem antics, isn't it ? What difference does it m ake t o play
wit h words?" The answer is t hat , if all you do is change t he word, t hen t he experience does not change.
But if using t he word causes you t o break your own habit ual em ot ional pat t erns, t hen everyt hing
changes. Effect ively using Transform at ional Vocabulary—vocabulary t hat t ransform s our em ot ional
experience—breaks unresourceful pat t erns, m akes us sm ile, produces t ot ally different feelings,
changes our st at es, and allows us t o ask m ore int elligent quest ions.
For inst ance, m y wife and I are bot h passionat e people who feel deeply about t hings. Early in our
relat ionship, we would oft en get int o what we used t o call " pret t y int ense argum ent s." But aft er
discovering t he power of t he labels we put on our experience t o alt er t hat experience, we agreed t o
refer t o t hese " conversat ions" as " spirit ed debat es." That changed our whole percept ion of it . A
" spirit ed debat e" has different rules t han an argum ent , and it definit ely has a different em ot ional
int ensit y t o it . I n seven years, we've never ret urned t o t hat habit ual level of em ot ional int ensit y t hat
we had previously associat ed wit h our " argum ent s."
I also began t o realize t hat I could soft en em ot ional int ensit y even furt her by using m odifiers; for
exam ple, by saying, " I 'm j ust a bit peeved," or " I 'm feeing a t ad out of sort s." One of t he t hings Becky
will do now, if she st art s t o get a lit t le frust rat ed, is t o say, " I 'm beginning t o get a sm idge cranky." We
bot h laugh because it breaks our pat t ern. Our new pat t ern is t o m ake a j oke of our disem powering
feelings before t hey ever reach t he point of our being upset —we've " killed t he m onst er while it 's
lit t le."
When I shared t his Transform at ional Vocabulary t echnology wit h m y good friend Ken Blanchard, he
relat ed t o m e exam ples of several words he uses t o change his st at e. One is a word he adopt ed in
Africa when he was on safari and t he t ruck he was in broke down. He t urned t o his wife, Marge, and
said, " Well, t hat 's rat her inconvenient ." I t worked so well in changing t heir st at es, now t hey use t he
word on a regular basis. On t he golf course, if a shot doesn't go t he way he want s, he'll say, " That shot
j ust underwhelm s m e." Tiny shift s like t hese change t he em ot ional direct ion and t herefore t he qualit y
of our lives.
YOU CAN USE TRAN SFORM ATI ON AL VOCABULARY TO H ELP OTH ERS
Once you underst and t he power of words, you becom e highly sensit ized not only t o t hose you use, but
t o t hose t hat people around you use as well. As a result of m y new underst anding of Transform at ional
Vocabulary, I found m yself helping ot hers around m e. I 'll never forget t he first t im e I began t o
consciously use t his t echnology. I t was in helping a friend of m ine nam ed Jim , a very successful
businessm an who was going t hrough som e t ough t im es. I rem em ber t hat I 'd never seen him so down
before.
As he t alked, I not iced t hat he described how depressed he was, or how depressing t hings were, at
least a dozen t im es in a t went y- m inut e period. I decided t o see how quickly Transform at ional
Vocabulary could help him t o change his st at e, so I asked him , " Are you really depressed, or are you
feeling a lit t le frust rat ed?" He said, " I am feeling very frust rat ed." I said, " I t looks t o m e like you're
act ually m aking som e ver y posit ive changes t hat will lead t o progress." Since he agreed, I described t o
him t he im pact his words m ight be having on his em ot ional st at e, and asked, " Do m e a favor, okay?
For t he next t en days, prom ise m e you won't use t he word 'depr essed' even once. I f you begin t o use
it , im m ediat ely replace it wit h a m ore em powering word. I nst ead of 'depressed,' say, 'I 'm feeling a
lit t le bit down.' Say, 'I 'm get t ing bet t er,' or 'I 'm t urning t hings around.'"
He agreed t o com m it t o t his as an experim ent , and you can guess what happened: one sim ple shift in
his words shift ed his pat t ern com plet ely. He no longer worked him self up t o t he sam e level of pain,
and as a result , he st ayed in m ore resourceful stat es. Two years lat er when I t old Jim t hat I was
writ ing about his experience in t his book, he shared wit h m e t hat he has not felt depressed one day
since t hat t im e because he never uses t hat word t o describe his experience. Rem em ber, t he beaut y of
Transform at ional Vocabulary is it s ut t er sim plicit y. I t 's t ruly profound knowledge—som et hing so sim ple
and universally applicable t hat t he m inut e you use it , it can im m ediat ely increase t he qualit y of your
life.
A great exam ple of t he t ransform at ion t hat 's possible when you change j ust one word is what occurred
several years ago at PI E, t he nat ionwide t rucking service. Their execut ives found t hat 60 percent of all
t heir shipping cont ract s w ere erroneous, and it was cost ing t hem m ore t han a quart er of a m illion
dollars a year. Dr. W. Edwards Dem ing was hired t o find t he cause. He did an int ensive st udy and
discovered t hat 56 percent of t hese errors were based on m isident ificat ion of cont ainers by t heir own
workers. Based on Dr. Dem ing's. recom m endat ions, t he PI E execut ives decided t hat t hey m ust find a
way t o change t he com pany- wide level of com m it m ent t o qualit y and t hat t he best way would be t o
change how t heir workers viewed t hem selves. I nst ead of workers or t ruckers, t hey st art ed referring t o
t hem selves as craft sm en. At first people t hought it was st range; aft er all, what difference could
changing a j ob t it le m ake? They hadn't really changed anyt hing, had t hey? But pret t y soon, as a result
of regularly using t he word t he workers began t o see t hem selves as " craft sm en," and in less t han
t hirt y days PI E cut t heir 56 percent err oneous shippings down t o less t han 10 percent , ult im at ely
saving close t o a quart er of a m illion dollars a year.
This illust rat es a fundam ent al t rut h: t he words we use as a corporat e cult ure and as individuals have a
profound effect on our experience of realit y. One of t he reasons I creat ed t he word CANI ! rat her t han
borrow t he Japanese t er m kaizen ( " im provem ent " ) , was t o build int o one word t he philosophy and
t hought pat t erns of const ant , never- ending im provem ent . Once you begin t o consist ent ly use a word,
it affect s what you consider and how you t hink. The words t hat we use carry m eaning and em ot ion.
People invent words all t he t im e; t hat 's one of t he m arvels67 of t he English language, which is so quick
t o em brace new words and concept s. I f you look t hrough a current dict ionary you'll discover t he
cont ribut ions of m any foreign languages, and especially from all kinds of special- int erest groups.
For exam ple, people in t he surfing cult ure have creat ed words like t ubular" and " rad" t o t ranslat e t heir
" t ot ally awesom e" experience of t he waves t o t heir day- t o- day lives. Their privat e lingo gained such
widespread accept ance t hat it becam e pan of our com m on argot and t hus t he way in which we t hink.
This also brings up t he point again t hat we need t o be conscious of t he words we adopt from t hose
around us or t hose we select ourselves. I f you use phrases like " I 'm suicidal" you have inst ant ly raised
your em ot ional pain t o a level t hat could act ually t hreat en t he qualit y of your life. Or, if you're in a
rom ant ic relat ionship and t ell your part ner, " I 'm leaving," you creat e t he very real possibilit y t hat t he
relat ionship's about t o end. I f, however you were t o say, " I 'm incredibly frust rat ed" or " I 'm angry," you
have a m uch bet t er chance at resolut ion.
Most professions have a cert ain set of words t hey use t o describe t heir work and t he t hings part icular
t o t heir t ype of work. Many ent ert ainers for exam ple right before t hey go onst age, get a feeling of
t ension in t heir st om achs. Their breat hing changes, t heir pulse races, and t hey begin t o per spire.
Som e consider t his t o be a nat ural pan of t he preparat ion t o perform , while ot hers see it as evidence
t hat t hey will fail These sensat ions which Carly Sim on called " st age fright ," kept her from perform ing
live for years. Bruce Springst een, on t he ot her hand, get s t he sam e kind of t ension in his st om ach,
only he labels t hese feelings " excit em ent " ' He knows t hat he's about t o have t he incredibly powerful
experience of ent ert aining t housands of people, and having t hem love it . He can't wait t o get onst age.
For Bruce Springst een, t ension in his st om ach is an ally for Carly Sim on, it 's an enem y.
TAKE THESE YARD APES AND GET RI D OF THE GREY POUPON!
Following are som e fun exam ples from Newsweek's " Buzzwords" of Transform at ional Vocabulary used
in t he workplace...
Daycare
Yard ape: A fully m obile preschooler. Usage: " At least yours is in school. I 've got a yard ape t o cont end
wit h."
Klingons: Hyst erical yard apes who lat ch on ferociously t o parent s.
Chem obyl Hussies: A part icularly nast y diaper, as in, " Honey, you bet t er warn Scandinavia."
Green Elevens: The green, dripping nost rils of a yard ape.
Grey Poupon: The m ess in t he diapers.
67
m a r ve l 1. Wunder ; 2. ( besonders Brt . - ll- , Am . - l- ) sich wunder n, st aunen
Funeral Direct ors
This t erm it self is a m aj or piece of Transform at ional Vocabulary. What did t hey used t o be called?
Undert akers. Then t hey becam e m ort icians, and now t hey're funeral direct ors, a t erm m ost people find
a lit t le easier t o t ake...
Shake 'n' Bake: Crem at ion wit hout a funeral hom e service. Usage: " Oh, t his guy's j ust a Shake 'n'
Bake."
Peekaboo: A brief viewing of t he body and short serv ice, usually involving only fam ily m em bers.
SWAT Team s
Avon Calling: Blowing open a door wit h a shot gun.
Lawyers
Shopper: A financially dependent spouse wit h no personal incom e, as in " She'll need a t on of alim ony.
She's a shopper."
Bom bers: Divorce lawyers who seek t o dest roy t he opposing spouse by set t ing all of t he asset s for
t heir own client .
Tanning Salons
Caspers: Pale- skinned cust om ers. ( Derived from Casper t he Friendly Ghost )
I guanas: Overly t anned, leat hery cust om ers.
FROM TI N KLED TO TURBO- CH ARGED
What would your life be like if you could t ake all t he negat ive em ot ions you ever felt and lower t heir
int ensit y so t hey didn't im pact you as powerfully, so you were always in charge? What would your life
be like if you could t ake t he m ost posit ive em ot ions and int ensify t hem , t hereby t aking your life t o a
higher level? You can do bot h of t hese in a heart beat . Here's your first assignm ent .
Take a m om ent right now, and writ e down t hree words t hat you current ly use on a regular basis t o
m ake yourself feel lousy ( bored, frust r at ed, disappoint ed, angry, hum iliat ed, hurt , sad, and so fort h) .
What ever words you choose, be sure t hey are ones t hat you use regularly t o disem power yourself. To
discover som e of t he words you need t o t ransform , ask yourself, " What are som e negat ive feelings I
have on a consist ent basis?"
Next , having ident ified t hese t hree wor ds, have som e fun. Put yourself in a crazy and out rageous st at e
and brainst orm som e new words t hat you t hink you could use t o eit her break your pat t ern or at least
lower your em ot ional int ensit y in som e way. Let m e give you a clue on how t o select som e words t hat
will really work for you over t he long t erm . Rem em ber t hat your brain loves anyt hing t hat get s you out
of pain and int o pleasure, so pick a word t hat you'll want t o use in place of t he old, lim it ing one. One of
t he reasons I used " peeved" or " a bit annoyed" inst ead of " angry" is t hat t hey sound so ridiculous. I t 's
a t ot al pat t ern int errupt for m e and anyone who's list ening t o m e, and since I love t o break pat t erns, I
get a lot of fun and pleasure out of using t hese wor ds. Once you get result s like t hat , I guarant ee
you'll also get addict ed t o t he process. To help you get st art ed, here are som e exam ples of sim ple and
ridiculous words you can use t o im m ediat ely lower your int ensit y:
Negat ive
fearful
Em ot ion/ Expression
fright ened
I 'm feeling...
to
frust rat ed
angry
to
frust rat ed
afraid
to
furious
anxious
to
hum iliat ed
anxious
to
hum iliat ed
confused
to
hurt
depressed
to
hurt
depressed
to
I hat e
depressed
to
im pat ient
Transform s I nt o
insecure
I 'm feeling . ..
insult ed
disenchant ed
insult ed
uncom fort able
irrit at ed
a lit t le concerned
irrit at ed
expect ant
j ealous
curious
lazy
calm before act ion
lonely
not on t op of it
lonely
on t he road t o a t um - around
lost
The Vocabulary of Ult im at e Success
nervous
dest royed
overloaded
t hat st inks
overwhelm ed
pissed off
overwhelm ed
disappoint ed
overwhelm ed
disappoint ed
overwhelm ed
disgust ed
dread
em barrassed
em barrassed
exhaust ed
exhaust ed
failure
set back
failure
t hat 's a lit t le arom at ic
failure
t inkled
fear
underwhelm ed
delayed
painful
surprised
pet rified
challenge
rej ect ed
aware
rej ect ed
st im ulat ed
rej ect ed
recharging
rej ect ed
a lit t le droopy
rej ect ed
st um ble
sad
learning
scared
get t ing educat ed
oh, shit
wonderm ent
sick
curious
st ressed
inquiring
st ressed
challenged
st ressed
fascinat ed
st upid
passionat e
st upid
uncom fort able
st upid
surprised
t errible
bot hered
m any opport unit ies
dinged
m axim ized
I prefer
m oving and shaking
ant icipat ing
uncom fort able
quest ioning
challenged
m isunderst ood
deflect ed
m isint erpret ed
learning
st im ulat ed
overlooked
ruffled
underappreciat ed
overioving
m isunderst ood
st oring energy
sort ing m y t hought s
available
excit ed
t em porarily on m y own
oh, poo
searching
cleansing
energized
busy
st ret ching
blessed
som e im balance
energized
busy
discovering
challenged
unresourceful
in dem and overwhelm ed
learning
overwhelm ed
different
overwhelm ed
Now, you can do bet t er t han t his list , I 'm sure, so com e up wit h t hree words t hat you habit ually use
t hat creat e negat ive feelings in your life, and t hen writ e a list of alt ernat ives t hat would eit her break
your pat t ern by m aking you laugh because t hey're so ridiculous, or at least lower t he int ensit y.
Old, Disem powering Word
New, Em powering Word
1.___________________
___________________
2.___________________
___________________
3.___________________
___________________
How do you m ake sure t hat you really use t hese words? The answer is sim ple: NAC yourself.
Rem em ber Neuro- Associat ive Condit ioning? Rem em ber t he first t wo st eps?
St ep One: Decide t hat you're com m it t ed t o having m uch m ore pleasure in your life and a lot less pain.
Realize t hat one of t he t hings t hat 's kept you from having t hat is using language t hat int ensifies
negat ive em ot ion.
St ep Two: Get leverage on yourself so t hat you'll use t hese t hree new words. One way t o do t his is t o
t hink of how ridiculous it is t o work yourself int o a frenzy when you have t he choice of feeling good!
Maybe an ev en m ore pow erful way t o get leverage is t o do what I did: approach t hree friends and
share wit h t hem t he words t hat you want t o change. For exam ple, I found m yself being frust rat ed a lot
in m y life, so I decided t o becom e " fascinat ed" inst ead. I also was oft en saying, " I have t o do t his,"
and it m ade m e feel st ressed. Since I want ed a rem inder about how fort unat e I am , and because it
really t ransform ed m y experience, I began t o say, " I get t o do t his." I don't have t o do anyt hing! And
inst ead of being " angry," I want ed t o eit her be " annoyed," " peeved," or " a lit t le bit concerned."
For t he next t en days, if I caught m yself using t he old word, I would im m ediat ely break m y pat t ern
and replace it wit h t he new word. By giving m yself pleasure for com m it t ing and following t hrough, I
est ablished a new pat t ern. My friends, t hough, were t here t o help m e if I got off t rack. They were t o
im m ediat ely ask m e, " Tony, are you angry, or are you j ust peeved?" " Are you frust rat ed or
fascinat ed?" I m ade it clear t o t hem not t o use t his as a weapon, but as a t ool of support . Wit hin a
short period of t im e, t hese new language pat t erns becam e m y consist ent appr oach.
Does t his m ean t hat I can never feel " angry" ? Of course not . Anger can be a very useful em ot ion at
t im es. We j ust don't want our m ost negat ive em ot ions t o be our t ools of first resort . We want t o add t o
our level of choice. We want t o have m ore of t hose m olds in which t o pour our liquid sensat ions of life
so t hat we have a great er num ber and qualit y of em ot ions in our lives.
I f you really want t o m ake t hese changes, go t o t hree of your friends, explain t o t hem what you're
doing, what words you want , and have t hem ask you respect fully, " Are you ( old word) or ( new word) ?"
Make t he com m it m ent t o break your own pat t erns as well, whenever possible. Give yourself im m ediat e
pleasure whenever you use t he new alt ernat ive, and you'll develop a new level of choice for your life.
Of course, using Transform at ional Vocabulary is not lim it ed t o lowering negat ive int ensit y; it also offers
us t he opport unit y t o powerfully int ensify our experience of posit ive em ot ions. When som eone asks
how you're doing, inst ead of saying, "Okay" or " So- so," knock t heir socks off by exclaim ing, " I feel
spect acular! " As sim plist ic as t his sounds, it creat es a new pat t er n in your neurology—a new neural
highway t o pleasure. So right now, writ e down t hree words you use t o describe how you're feeling or
how you're doing on a regular basis t hat are " j ust okay" in t heir orient at ion—" I 'm feeling good," " I 'm
fine," " Things are all right ." Then com e up wit h new ones t hat will absolut ely inspire you. I f you want
som e suggest ions, look at t he following list and circle t he ones t hat you t hink would be fun t o add t o
your vocabulary t o spice up your current experience of life:
Good W or d
Gr e a t W or d
I 'm feeling
I 'm feeling ...
alert
energized
all right
superb
at t ract ive
gorgeous
awake
raring t o go
com fort able
sm ashing
confident
unst oppable
cont ent
serene
cool
out rageous
curious
fascinat ed
det erm ined
unst oppable
energized
t urbo- charged
ent husiast ic
excit ed
excit ed
ecst at ic
excit ed
im passioned
excit ed
out rageous
fant ast ic
fabulous
fast
ballist ic
feeling good
cosm ically charged
feeling good
j ust t rem endous
fine
awesom e
focused
energized
fort unat e
unbelievably
blessed
full
replet e
fun
vivacious
glad
over t he m oon
good
bet t er t han excellent
good
dynam it e
good
j ust doesn't get any
bet t er
good
m agic
good
vibrant
great
exuberant
great
exhilarat ed
great
killer
great
incredible
great
phenom enal
happy
ecst at ic
happy
j azzed
happy
st oked, exuberant
and hyped
happy
t ot ally blissed
int ense
laser- like
int erest ed
ent hralled
int erest ing
capt ivat ing
like
enrapt ured
like
idolize
like
relish
loved
adored
loving
exuding love
loving
passionat e
m ot ivat ed
com pelled
m ot ivat ed
driven t o
m ot ivat ed
j uiced
m oving forward
m oving at warp
speed
nice
fant ast ic
nice
spect acular
no problem
happy t o
not bad
couldn't be bet t er
okay
energized
okay
fant ast ic
okay
perfect !
paying at t ent ion
focused
peaceful
serene
perfect
ext raordinary
pleasant
m onum ent al
powerful
invincible
pret t y good
coolam undo
pret t y good
great
pum ped up
soaring
quick
explosive
resourceful
brilliant
sat isfied
sat iat ed
secure
cent ered
secure
confident
secure
em boldened
secure
em powered
sm art
gift ed
st im ulat ed
charged up
st rong
invincible
super
boom ing
t ast y
sum pt uous
t errific
ecst at ic
Use t he sam e syst em of cont act ing your t hree friends t o m ake sure you use t hese new, powerful,
posit ive words, and have fun doing it !
SOFTEN YOUR APPROACH TO PAI N W I TH OTH ERS
I t 's difficult t o overest im at e t he im pact our Transform at ional Vocabulary has on ourselves and on
ot hers. We need t o rem em ber t he value of using what I call soft eners and int ensifiers; t hey give us a
great er degr ee of precision in our dealings wit h ot hers, whet her it 's a rom ant ic relat ionship, a business
negot iat ion, or all t he possible scenarios in bet ween. Years ago, when I t hought som et hing was
" screwed up" in m y business, I would call t he appropriat e person and say, " I 'm really upset " or " I 'm
really worried about t his." Do you know what t hat did? My language pat t ern aut om at ically put t he
ot her person int o react ion, even if it wasn't m y int ent ion; oft en, t hey t ended t o becom e defensive,
som et hing t hat prevent ed bot h of us from finding a solut ion t o t he challenge before us.
So what I learned t o do inst ead was t o say ( even if I felt m ore int ensit y) , " I 'm a lit t le bit concerned
about som et hing. Can you help m e?" First of all, doing t his lowered m y own em ot ional int ensit y. This
benefit ed bot h m e and t he person wit h whom I was com m unicat ing. Why? Because " concerned" is a
m uch different word t han " worried." I f you say t hat you're worried about som et hing, you m ay be
conveying t he im pression t hat you don't have fait h in t his person's abilit ies. And second, adding " a
lit t le bit " soft ens t he m essage significant ly. So by lowering m y int ensit y, I enabled t he person t o
respond from a posit ion of st rengt h and also enhanced m y level of com m unicat ion wit h t hem . Can you
see how t his would im prove your int eract ions at hom e as well? How do you habit ually com m unicat e
wit h your kids? Oft en we don't realize t he power our words have on t hem . Children, as well as adult s,
t end t o t ake t hings personally, and we need t o be sensit ized t o t he possible ram ificat ions of
t hought less rem arks. I nst ead of cont inually blurt ing out im pat ient ly, " You're so st upid! " or " You're so
clum sy! " —a pat t ern t hat can in som e cases powerfully underm ine a child's sense of self- wort h—break
your own pat t ern by saying som et hing like " I 'm get t ing a lit t le bit peeved wit h your behavior; com e
over here and let 's t alk about t his." Not only does t his break t he pat t ern, allowing bot h of you t o
access a bet t er st at e t o int elligent ly com m unicat e your feelings and desires, but it also sends t he child
t he m essage t hat t he challenge is not wit h t hem as a person but wit h t heir behavior—som et hing t hat
can be changed.
This can build what I call t he Realit y Bridge, t he foundat ion for m ore powerful and posit ive
com m unicat ion bet ween t wo people—and have a m ore powerful, posit ive im pact on your kids.
The key in any of t hese sit uat ions is t o be able t o br eak your pat t ern; ot herwise, in your unresourceful
st at e, you m ay say t hings you'll regret lat er. This is exact ly how m any relat ionships are dest royed. I n
a st at e of anger, we m ay say t hings t hat hurt som ebody's feelings and m ake t hem want t o ret aliat e, or
cause t hem t o feel so hurt t hat t hey don't want t o open up t o us ever again. So we've got t o realize
t he power of our words, bot h t o creat e and t o dest r oy.
" The Germ an people is no warlike nat ion.
I t is a soldierly one, which m eans it does not want a war but does not fear it .
I t loves peace but it also loves it s honor and freedom ."
ADOLF HI TLER
Words have been used by dem agogues t hroughout t he ages t o m urder and subj ugat e, as when Hit ler
pervert ed a nat ion's frust rat ions int o hat red for a sm all group of people, and in his lust for t errit ory
persuaded t he Germ an populace t o gird for war. Saddam Hussein labeled his invasion of Kuwait , and
t he subsequent host ilit ies, a j ihad, or "Holy War," which powerfully t ransform ed t he I raqi cit izens'
percept ions of t he j ust ness of t heir cause.
To a lesser ext ent , we can see in our recent hist ory plent y of exam ples of t he careful use of words t o
redefine experience. During t he recent Persian Gulf War, t he m ilit ary's j argon was unbelievably
com plex, but it served t o soft en t he im pact of t he dest ruct ion t hat was occurring. During t he Reagan
adm inist rat ion, t he MX m issile was renam ed t he " Peacekeeper." The Eisenhower adm inist rat ion
consist ent ly referred t o t he Korean War as a " police act ion."
We've got t o be pr ecise in t he words we use because t hey carry m eaning not only t o ourselves about
our own experience, but also t o ot hers. I f you don't like t he result s you're get t ing in your
com m unicat ion wit h ot hers, t ake a closer look at t he words you're using and becom e m ore select ive.
I 'm not suggest ing t hat you becom e so sensit ized t hat you can't use a word. But select ing words t hat
em power you is crit ical.
By t he sam e t oken, is it always t o our advant age t o lower t he int ensit y of our negat ive em ot ions? The
answer is no. Som et im es we need t o get ourselves int o an angry st at e in order t o creat e enough
leverage t o m ake a change. All hum an em ot ions have t heir place, as we'll t alk about in Chapt er 11.
However, we want t o m ake cert ain t hat we do not access our m ost negat ive and int ense st at es t o st art
wit h. So please don't m isint erpret m e; I 'm not asking you t o live a life where you don't have any
negat ive sensat ions or em ot ions. There are places where t hey can be very im port ant . We'll t alk about
one of t hem in t he next chapt er. Realize t hat our goal is t o consist ent ly feel less pain in our lives, and
m ore pleasure.
Mast ering Tr ansform at ional Vocabulary is one of t he single m ost sim ple and powerful st eps t oward t hat
goal.
Beware of labels t hat can lim it your experience. As I m ent ioned in t he first chapt er, I worked wit h a
young boy who was at one t im e labeled " learning disabled" and is now evaluat ed as a genius. You can
im agine how t hat one change in words has radically t ransform ed his percept ion of him self and how
m uch of his abilit y he now t aps. What are t he words you want t o be known by? What charact erist ic
word or phrase do you want ot hers t o ident ify wit h you?
We've got t o be very careful of accept ing ot her people's labels, because once w e put a label on
som et hing, we creat e a corresponding em ot ion. Nowhere is t his t ruer t han wit h diseases. Everyt hing
t hat I 've st udied in t he field of psychoneuroim m unology reinforces t he idea t hat t he words we use
produce powerful biochem ical effect s. I n an int erview wit h Norm an Cousins, he t old m e of t he work
he'd done in t he last t welve years wit h over 2,000 pat ient s. Tim e and again, he not iced t hat t he
m om ent a pat ient was diagnosed—i.e., had a label t o at t ach t o his sym pt om s—he becam e worse.
Labels like " cancer," " m ult iple sclerosis," and " heart disease" t ended t o produce panic in t he pat ient s,
leading t o helplessness and depression t hat act ually im paired t he effect iveness of t he body's im m une
syst em .
AND NOW, A PAUSE FOR OUR SPONSOR ...
Som et im es vocabulary is even m ore t r ansform at ional t han bargained for—a fact t o which several
m aj or advert isers can at t est . Aft er t ranslat ing t heir slogan " Com e Alive! You're in t he Pepsi
Generat ion" int o Chinese, corporat e officials were st unned t o discover t hat t hey'd j ust spent m illions of
dollars announcing, " Pepsi Brings Your Ancest ors Back from t he Grave." Chevrolet , m yst ified by
sluggish sales of it s new Nova com pact in Lat in Am erica, event ually discovered t he Spanish t ranslat ion
of no va: " I t Doesn't Go."
Conversely, st udies proved t hat if pat ient s could be freed of t he depr ession produced by cert ain labels,
a corresponding boost was aut om at ically produced in t heir im m une syst em s. " Words can produce
illness; words can kill," Cousins t old m e. " Therefore, wise physicians are very careful about t he way
t hey com m unicat e." That 's one of t he reasons why, in Fort une Managem ent ,™ our pract icem anagem ent com pany, we work wit h doct ors not only in helping t hem t o build t heir businesses, but in
t eaching t hem how t o enhance t heir em ot ional sensit ivit y t o enable t hem t o cont ribut e m ore. I f you're
in a profession where you work wit h people, it 's im perat ive t hat you underst and t he power of words
t o im pact t hose around you.
I f you're st ill skept ical, I suggest t hat you sim ply t est Transform at ional Vocabulary on yourself, and
see what happens. Oft en in sem inars, people say t hings like, " I 'm so angry about what t his person did
t o m e! "
I 'll ask t hem , " Are you angry, or are you hurt ?" Just asking t hem t hat quest ion oft en m akes t hem
reevaluat e t he sit uat ion. When t hey select a new word and say, " I guess I 'm hurt ," you can inst ant ly
see t heir physiology reflect a drop in int ensit y. I t 's a lot easier for t hem t o deal wit h hurt
t han it is wit h anger.
Sim ilarly, you can t ry lowering your em ot ional int ensit y in areas you m ay not have t hought of. For
inst ance, inst ead of using t he phrase, " I 'm st arving t o deat h," what if inst ead you said, " I feel a lit t le
hungry" ? By using t hat , you'll discover as I have t hat you can lit erally lower t he int ensit y of your
appet it e in a m at t er of m om ent s. Som et im es people overeat sim ply out of a habit ual pat t ern of
whipping t hem selves int o an em ot ional frenzy. Part of it st art s wit h t he language t hey use consist ent ly.
At a recent Dat e Wit h Dest iny sem inar, we wit nessed a great exam ple of t he power of using words t o
change som eone's st at e inst ant ly. One of t he part icipant s cam e back from dinner, absolut ely radiant .
She t old us t hat right before dinner she'd had an incredible urge t o cry, and ran out of t he room ,
bawling. " Everyt hing was all j um bled up," she said. " I felt like I was going t o burst . I t hought I was
going t o have a breakdow n. But t hen I said t o m yself 'No, no, no, you're having a break- up/ ' That
m ade m e laugh. And t hen I t hought , 'No—you're having a break- t hrough?'" The only t hing she had
changed was one word, but by t aking cont rol of her labeling process ( her vocabulary) she com plet ely
changed her st at e and her percept ion of her experience—and t hus t ransform ed her realit y.
Now is your chance. Take cont rol. Not ice t he words you habit ually use, and replace t hem wit h ones
t hat em power you, raising or lowering t he em ot ional int ensit y as appropriat e. St art t oday. Set t his
processional effect in m ot ion. Writ e down your words, m ake your com m it m ent , follow t hrough, and
know what t he power of t his sim ple t ool in and of it self will accom plish wit hout using anyt hing else.
Next , let 's t ake a look at som et hing t hat 's equally fun and equally sim ple in em powering you t o
m anage your em ot ions consist ent ly. Toget her, let 's blaze a t rail of possibilit y as you .. .
10
DESTROY THE BLOCKS,
BREAK DOWN THE WALL,
LET GO OF THE ROPE,
AND DANCE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS:
THE POWER OF LI FE METAPHORS
" The m et aphor is perhaps one of m an's m ost fruit ful pot ent ialit ies. I t s efficacy verges on m agic, and it
seem s a t ool for creat ion which God forgot inside one of His creat ures when He m ade him ."
j ose ort ega y gasset
" I 'm at t he end of m y rope."
" I can't break t hrough t he wall."
" My head is about t o burst ."
" I 'm at a crossroads."
" I st ruck out ."
" I 'm float ing on air."
" I 'm drowning."
" I 'm happy as a lark."
" I 've reached a dead end."
" I 'm carrying t he world on m y shoulders."
" Life is a bowl of cherries."
" Life is t he pit s."
I n t he last chapt er we t alked about t he power of words t o shape our lives and direct our dest inies. Now,
let 's look at cert ain words t hat carry even m ore m eaning and em ot ional int ensit y: m et aphors. I n order
t o underst and m et aphors, we m ust first underst and sym bols. What creat es m ore im m ediat e im pact :
t he word " Christ ian" or t he im age of a cross? I f you're like m any people, t he cross has m ore power t o
produce im m ediat e posit ive em ot ions. I t 's lit erally not hing but t wo int ersect ing lines, but it has t he
power t o com m unicat e a st andard and a way of life t o m illions of people. Now t ake t hat cross, t wist it
int o a swast ika, and cont rast it wit h t he word " Nazi." Which has m ore power t o influence you
negat ively?
Again, if you're like m ost , t he swast ika will t end t o produce st ronger sensat ions m ore quickly t han t he
word it self. Throughout hum an hist ory, sym bols have been em ployed t o t rigger em ot ional response
and shape m en's behavior. Many t hings serve as sym bols: im ages, sounds, obj ect s, act ions, and, of
course, words. I f words are sym bolic, t hen m et aphors are height ened sym bols.
What is a m et aphor? Whenever we explain or com m unicat e a concept by likening it t o som et hing else,
we are using a m et aphor. The t wo t hings m ay bear lit t le act ual resem blance t o each ot her, but our
fam iliarit y wit h one allows us t o gain an underst anding of t he ot her. Met aphor s are sym bols and, as
such, t hey can creat e em ot ional int ensit y even m ore quickly and com plet ely t han t he t radit ional words
we use. Met aphors can t r ansform us inst ant ly. As hum an beings, we const ant ly t hink and speak in
m et aphors. Oft en people speak of " being caught bet ween a rock and a hard place." They feel like
t hey're " in t he dark," or t hat t hey're " st ruggling t o keep t heir head above wat er." Do you t hink you
m ight be a lit t le bit m ore st ressed if you t hought about dealing wit h your challenge in t erm s of
" st ruggling t o keep your head abov e wat er" rat her t han " clim bing t he ladder of success" ? Would you
feel different ly about t aking a t est if you t alked about " sailing" t hrough it rat her t han " flailing" ? Would
your percept ion and exper ience of t im e change if you t alked about t im e " crawling" rat her t han " flying" ?
You bet it would!
One of t he pr im ary ways we learn is t hrough m et aphors. Learning is t he process of m aking new
associat ions in our m inds, creat ing new m eanings, and m et aphors are ideally suit ed for t his. When we
don't under st and som et hing, a m et aphor provides a way of seeing how what we don't underst and is
like som et hing we do underst and. The m et aphor helps us t o link up a relat ionship. I f X is like Y, and
we underst and X, suddenly we underst and Y. I f, for exam ple, som eone t ries t o explain elect ricit y t o
you by t hrowing around t he t erm s " ohm s," " am peres," " wat t age," and " resist ors," chances are t hey'll
t ot ally confuse you because it 's likely you have no underst anding of t hese words, no references for
t hem , and t herefore it 's difficult t o underst and a relat ionship bet ween t hem .
But what if I explained elect ricit y t o you by com paring it t o som et hing you were already fam iliar wit h?
What if I drew you a pict ure of a pipe and said, " Have you ever seen wat er running t hrough a pipe?"
You'd say yes. Then I 'd say, " What if t here were a litt le flap t hat could slow down t he am ount of wat er
going t hrough t he pipe? That lit t le flap is what a resist or does in an elect rical unit ." Would you now
know what a resist or is? You bet —and you'd know it inst ant ly. Why? Because I t old you how t his was
like som et hing you already underst ood. All great t eachers—Buddha, Moham m ed, Confucius, Lao- Tzu—
have used m et aphors t o convey t heir m eaning t o t he com m on m an. Regardless of religious beliefs,
m ost would agree t hat Jesus Christ was a rem arkable t eacher whose m essage of love has endured not
only because of what he said, but also t he way in which he said it . He didn't go t o t he fisherm en and
t ell t hem he want ed t hem t o recruit Christ ians; t hey would have no reference for recruit ing. So he t old
t hem he want ed t hem t o becom e " fishers of m en."
The m inut e he used t hat m et aphor, t hey im m ediately underst ood what t hey needed t o do. This
m et aphor inst ant ly gave t hem an analogous st ep- by- st ep process for how t o bring ot hers int o t he fait h.
When he t old his parables, he dist illed com plex ideas int o sim ple im ages t hat t ransform ed anyone who
t ook t heir m essage t o heart . I n fact , not only was Jesus a m ast er st oryt eller, but he used his whole life
as a m et aphor t o illust rat e t he st rengt h of God's love and t he pr om ise of redem pt ion 68 .
Met aphors can em power us by expanding and enriching our experience of life. Unfort unat ely, t hough,
if we're not careful, when we adopt a m et aphor we inst ant aneously also adopt m any lim it ing beliefs
t hat com e wit h it . For years physicist s used t he m et aphor of t he solar syst em t o describe t he
relat ionship of t he elect rons t o t he prot ons and neut rons wit hin t he nucleus of an at om . What was
great about t his m et aphor? I t im m ediat ely helped st udent s under st and t he relat ionship bet ween t he
at om and som et hing t hey already underst ood. They could im m ediat ely pict ure t he nucleus as t he sun
and t he elect rons as planet s revolving around it . The challenge was t hat by adopt ing t his m et aphor,
physicist s—wit hout realizing it —adopt ed a belief syst em t hat elect rons rem ained in equidist ant orbit s
from t he nucleus, very m uch in t he sam e way t hat planet s rem ained in basically equidist ant orbit s
from t he sun. I t was an inaccurat e and lim it ing presupposit ion. I n t act , it locked physicist s for years
int o a pat t ern of irresolut ion of m any at om ic quest ions, all because of a false set of presupposit ions
adopt ed due t o t his m et aphor. Today we know t hat elect rons don't m aint ain equidist ant orbit s; t heir
orbit s vary in dist ance from t he nucleus. This new underst anding wasn't adopt ed unt il t he solar syst em
m et aphor had been abandoned. The r esult was a quant um leap in t he underst anding of at om ic energy.
68
r e de m pt ion Einlösung; RELI GI ON Er lösung
GLOBAL M ETAPH ORS
Rem em ber m y raging 69 CEO? The sam e day I m ade t he dist inct ions t hat led t o t he creat ion of t he
t echnology of Transform at ional Vocabulary, I discovered t he value of what I call global m et aphors. I
knew t hat m y CEO used words t hat int ensified his em ot ion, and I wondered what m ade him feel t hose
negat ive feelings in t he first place. As you and I already know, everyt hing we do is based on t he st at e
we're in, and our st at e is det erm ined by our physiology and t he way we represent t hings in our m inds.
So I asked him why he was so upset , and he said, "Well, it 's like t hey have us in a box wit h a gun t o
our heads." Do you t hink you'd react r at her int ensely if you believed or repr esent ed in your m ind t hat
you were t rapped in a sit uat ion like t his? I t 's not hard t o figure out why he was in a rage. Now, for
m any years wit hout realizing it , I 'd helped people change how t hey were feeling by int errupt ing t heir
pat t erns and changing t heir m et aphors. I j ust wasn't aware of what I was doing. ( That 's pan of t he
power of creat ing a label: once you have a label for what you do, you can produce a behavior
consist ent ly.)
I t urned t o t he CEO and asked, " What color is t he squirt 70 gun?" He looked at m e in a puzzled st at e
and said, " What ?" I repeat ed t he quest ion, " What color is t he squirt gun?" This im m ediat ely broke his
pat t ern. I n order t o answ er m y quest ion, his m ind had t o focus on m y weird 71 quest ion, which
im m ediat ely changed his int ernal focus. When he began t o pict ure a squirt gun, do you t hink his
em ot ion changed as a result ? You bet ! He st art ed t o laugh. You see, virt ually any quest ion we ask
repeat edly, a person will event ually ent ert ain an answer t o, and when t hey do answer your quest ion, it
changes t heir focus. For exam ple, if I t ell you over and over, " Don't t hink of t he color blue," what color
are you going t o t hink of? The answer, obviously, is " blue." And what ever you t hink about , you'll feel.
Get t ing him t o t hink about t he sit uat ion in t erm s of a squirt gun, I im m ediat ely shat t ered his
disem powering im agery, and t hereby changed his em ot ional st at e in t he m om ent . What about his box?
I handled t hat in a different way because I knew he was com pet it ive; I sim ply said, " As far as t his box
idea is concerned, I don't know about you, but I know no one could ever build a box big enough t o
hold m e." You can im agine how quickly t hat dest royed his box! This m an regularly feels int ense
because he's operat ing wit h aggressive m et aphors. I f you are feeling really bad about som et hing, t ake
a quick look at t he m et aphors you're using t o describe how you are feeling, or why you are not
progressing, or what is get t ing in t he way. Oft en you're using a m et aphor t hat int ensifies your
negat ive feelings. When people are ex periencing difficult ies t hey frequent ly say t hings like " I feel
like t he weight of t he world is on m y back" or " There's t his wall in front of m e, and I j ust can't break
t hrough." But disem power ing m et aphors can be changed j ust as quickly as t hey were creat ed. You
choose t o represent t he m et aphor as being real; you can change t he m et aphor j ust as quickly. So if
som eone t ells m e t hey feel like t hey have t he weight of t he world on t heir back, I 'll say, " Set t he world
down and m ove on." They'll give m e a funny look, but sure enough, in order t o underst and what I j ust
69
r a ge 1. Wut , Zorn; fly int o a rage wüt end werden; t he lat est rage um gangssprachlich: der let zt e Schrei; be all
t he rage um gangsspr achlich: große Mode sein; 2. w et t ern ( against , at gegen) ; wüt en, t oben
70
squ ir t 1. ( be) sprit zen; 2. St rahl
71
w e ir d unheim lich; um gangssprachlich: sonderbar, v errückt
said, t hey'll m ake a change in t heir focus and t her efore how t hey feel im m ediat ely. Or if som eone t ells
m e t hat t hey j ust can't m ake progr ess, t hat t hey keep hit t ing a wall, I t ell t hem t o st op hit t ing it and
j ust drill a hole t hrough it . Or clim b over it , or t unnel under it , or walk over, open t he door, and go
t hrough it .
You'd be sur prised, as sim plist ic as t his sounds, how quickly people will respond. Again, t he m om ent
you represent t hings different ly in your m ind, in t hat m om ent you'll inst ant ly change t he w ay you feel.
I f som eone t ells m e, " I 'm at t he end of m y rope," I 'll say, " Set it aside and com e over here! " Oft en
people t alk about how t hey feel " st uck" in a sit uat ion. You're never st uck! You m ay be a lit t le
frust rat ed, you m ay not have clear answers, but you're not st uck. The m inut e you represent t he
sit uat ion t o yourself as being st uck, t hough, t hat 's exact ly how you'll feel. We m ust be very careful
about t he m et aphors we allow ourselves t o use.
Be careful of t he m et aphors t hat ot her people offer you as well. Recent ly I read an art icle about t he
fact t hat Sally Field is now t urning 44. The art icle said she's beginning t o st art " down t he slippery slope
of m iddle age." What a horrible and disem powering way t o represent your expanding wisdom ! I f you
feel like you're in t he dark, t hen sim ply t urn t he light s on. I f you feel like you're drowning in a sea of
confusion, walk up t he beach and relax on t he island of underst anding. I know t his can sound j uvenile,
but what 's t r uly j uvenile is allowing ourselves t o unconsciously select m et aphors t hat disem power us
on a consist ent basis. We m ust t ake charge of our m et aphors, not j ust t o avoid t he problem m et aphors,
but so t hat we can adopt t he em powering m et aphor s as well.
Once you becom e sensit ized t o t he m et aphors you and ot her people use, m aking a change is very easy.
All you need t o do is ask yourself, " I s t his what I really m ean? I s t his really t he way it is, or is t his
m et aphor inaccurat e?" Rem em ber, anyt im e you use t he words " I feel like" or " This is like," t he word
" like" is oft en a t rigger for t he use of a m et aphor. So ask yourself a m ore em powering quest ion. Ask,
" What would be a bet t er m et aphor? What would be a m ore em powering way of t hinking of t his? What
else is t his like?" For exam ple, if I were t o ask you what life m eans t o you, or what your m et aphor for
life is, you m ight say, " Life is like a const ant bat t le" or " Life is a war." I f you were t o adopt t his
m et aphor, you'd begin t o adopt a series of beliefs t hat com e wit h it . Like t he exam ple of t he at om and
t he solar syst em , you'd begin t o conduct your behavior based on a set of unconscious beliefs t hat are
carried wit hin t his m et aphor.
A whole set of rules, ideas, and preconceived not ions accom pany any m et aphor you adopt . So if you
believe life is a war, how does t hat color your percept ions of life? You m ight say, " I t 's t ough, and it
ends wit h deat h." Or, " I t 's going t o be m e against everybody else." Or, " I t 's dog eat dog." Or, " I f life is
really a bat t le, t hen m aybe I 'm going t o get hurt ." All t hese filt ers im pact your unconscious beliefs
about people, possibilit y, work, effort , and life it self. This m et aphor will affect your decisions about
how t o t hink, how t o feel, and what t o do. I t will shape your act ions and t her efore your dest iny.
LI FE I S A GAM E
Different people have different global m et aphors. For exam ple, in reading int erview s wit h Donald
Trum p, I 've not iced t hat he oft en refers t o life as a " t est ." You eit her win first place, or you lose t here's
no in bet ween. Can you im agine t he st ress t hat m ust creat e in his life, int erpret ing it t his way? I f life
is a t est , m aybe it 's going t o be t ough; m aybe you'd bet t er be pr epared; m ay be you could flunk out
( or cheat , I suppose) . For som e people, life is a com pet it ion. That m ight be fun, but it could also m ean
t hat t here ar e ot her people you have t o beat , t hat t here could be only one winner.
For som e people, life is a gam e. How m ight t hat color your percept ions? Life m ight be fun—what a
concept ! I t m ight be som ewhat com pet it ive. I t m ight be a chance for you t o play and enj oy yourself a
lot m ore. Som e people say, " I f it 's a gam e, t hen t here are going t o be losers."
Ot her people ask, " Will it t ake a lot of skill?" I t all depends on what beliefs you at t ach t o t he word
" gam e" ; but wit h t hat one m et aphor, again, you have a set of filt ers t hat is going t o affect t he way you
t hink and t he way you feel.
Surely, Mot her Teresa's m et aphor for life is t hat it 's sacred. What if you believed life is sacred? I f t hat
were your prim ary m et aphor, you m ight have m ore reverence for it —or you m ight t hink t hat you
weren't allowed t o have so m uch fun. What if you believe life is a gift ? All of a sudden it becom es a
surprise, som et hing fun, som et hing special. What if you t hink life is a dance? Wouldn't t hat be a kick?
I t would be som et hing beaut iful, som et hing you do wit h ot her people, som et hing wit h grace, rhyt hm ,
and j oy. Which of t hese m et aphors pr operly represent s life?
They're probably all useful at different t im es t o help you int erpret what you need t o do t o m ake
changes. But rem em ber, all m et aphors carry benefit s in som e cont ext , and lim it at ions in ot hers. As
I 've becom e m ore sensit ized t o m et aphors, what I 've begun t o believe is t hat having only one
m et aphor is a great way t o lim it your life. There would be not hing wrong wit h t he solar syst em
m et aphor if a physicist had m any ot her ways of describing at om s as well. So if we want t o expand our
lives, we should expand t he m et aphor s we use t o describe what our life is or what our relat ionships are,
or even who we are as hum an beings.
Are we lim it ed t o m et aphors about life or about at om s? Of course not . We have m et aphor s for alm ost
every area of our experience. Take work, for exam ple. Som e people will say, " Well, back t o t he salt
m ines" or " I have t o put m y nose t o t he grindst one." How do you t hink t hose people feel about t heir
j obs? Som e business people I know use global m et aphors like " m y asset s" for t he businesses t hey own
and " m y liabilit ies" for t he people t hey em ploy. How do you t hink t hat affect s t he way t hey t reat
people? Ot hers look at business as a garden where every day you have t o m aint ain and im prove it so
t hat event ually you will reap a reward. St ill ot hers see work as a chance t o be wit h friends, t o j oin a
winning t eam . As for m e, I t hink of m y businesses as fam ilies.
This allows us t o t ransform t he qualit y of t he connect ions we share wit h each ot her.
" Life is paint ing a pict ure, not doing a sum ."
OLI VER WENDELL HOLMES, JR.
Can you see how changing j ust one global m et aphor from " Life is a com pet it ion" t o " Life is a gam e"
could inst ant ly change your experience of life in m any areas sim ult aneously? Would it change your
relat ionships if you saw life as a dance? Could it change t he way you operat e in your business? You bet
it could! This is an exam ple of a pivot point , a global change, where j ust m aking t his one change would
t ransform t he way you t hink and feel in m ult iple areas of your life. I am not saying t hat t here is a right
or wrong way of looking at t hings. Just realize t hat changing one global m et aphor can inst ant ly
t ransform t he way you look at your ent ire life. Just as wit h Transform at ional Vocabulary, t he power of
m et aphors is in t heir sim plicit y.
Years ago I was conduct ing a t wo- week Cert ificat ion program in Scot t sdale, Arizona. I n t he m iddle of
t he sem inar, a m an j um ped up and st ar t ed st abbing out at people wit h his bare hands as if he were
holding a knife, while scream ing at t he t op of his lungs, " I ’m blacking out , I 'm blacking out ! " A
psychiat rist who was sit t ing t wo rows in front of him shout ed, " Oh, m y God! He's having a psychot ic
breakdown! " Fort unat ely, I didn't accept t he psychiat rist s label of Transform at ional Vocabulary.
I nst ead, all I knew was t hat I needed t o change t he excit ed m an's st at e inst ant ly. I had not developed
t he concept of global m et aphors yet ; I j ust did what I knew how t o do best . I int errupt ed his pat t ern.
I went up t o him and yelled, " Then j ust whit e it out ! Use t hat st uff you use when you're t yping! Whit e
it out ! " The m an was st unned for a m om ent . He st opped what he was doing, and everybody paused t o
see what would happen next .
Wit hin a m at t er of seconds his face and body changed, and he st art ed t o br eat he different ly. I said,
" Whit e out t he whole t hing." Then I asked him how he felt and he said, " That feels a lot bet t er." So I
said, " Well, t hen, sit down," and cont inued wit h t he sem inar. Everyone looked dum b- founded, and t o
t ell t he t rut h. I , t oo, was a bit surprised t hat it worked t his easily! Two days lat er t his m an approached
m e and said, " I don't know what t hat whole t hing was about , but I t urned fort y t hat day and j ust lost it .
I felt like st abbing out because I was in t his blackness and it was swallowing m e up. But when I put
t hat Whit e- Out on, everyt hing j ust bright ened up. I felt t ot ally different . I st art ed t hinking new
t hought s, and I feel fine t oday." And he cont inued t o feel fine for t he durat ion—j ust by changing one
sim ple m et aphor.
So far we've spoken only of how t o lower our negat ive em ot ional int ensit y t hrough t he use of
Transform at ional Vocabulary and global m et aphors. However, som et im es it 's useful and im port ant t o
get ourselves t o feel negat ive em ot ions wit h st rong int ensit y. For exam ple, I know a couple who have
a son who was caught up in drugs and alcohol. They knew t hey should do som et hing t o get him t o
change his dest ruct ive pat t erns, but at t he sam e t im e t hey had m ixed associat ions wit h int erfering in
his life. What finally pushed t hem over t he edge and gave t hem enough leverage t o get t hem selves t o
t ake act ion and do som et hing was a conversat ion t hey had wit h som eone who'd once been addict ed
him self. " There are t wo bullet s point ed at your son's head right now," he t old t hem . " One is drugs, t he
ot her is alcohol, and one or t he ot her is going t o kill him —it 's only a m at t er of t im e—if you don't st op
him now."
By represent ing t hings in t his way, t hey were driven t o act ion. Suddenly, not t aking act ion would m ean
allowing t heir son t o die, whereas prev iously t hey had repr esent ed his problem as m erely being a
challenge. Unt il t hey adopt ed t his new m et aphor, t hey were m issing t he em ot ional pot ency t o do
what ever it would t ake. I am happy t o t ell you t hat t hey did succeed in helping t his young m an t urn
t hings around. Rem em ber , t he m et aphors we use will det erm ine our act ions.
SELECT YOUR GLOBAL M ETAPH ORS
As I developed " ant ennae" t o sensit ize m yself t o people's global m et aphors, I read an int erview wit h
ant hropologist Mary Cat herine Bat eson in which she said, " Few t hings are m ore debilit at ing t han a
t oxic m et aphor." * That 's quit e an insight , and one wit h which I was soon t o gain
first hand experience.
At one of m y Dat e Wit h Dest iny sem inars, m ost everybody was com plaining about a cert ain wom an
even before t he program had begun. She had creat ed a com m ot ion at t he regist rat ion area, and when
she got int o t he room she st art ed com plaining about everyt hing im aginable: first t he room was t oo hot ,
t hen t oo cold; she was upset wit h t he person in front of her because he was t oo t all; and so on. By t he
t im e I got up t o speak I couldn't go for m ore t han five m inut es wit hout her int errupt ing and t rying t o
find how what I said really didn't work, or wasn't really t rue, or for which t here was som e kind of
except ion.
I kept t rying t o break her pat t ern, but I was focusing on t he effect rat her t han t he cause. Suddenly I
realized t hat she m ust have som e global belief or global m et aphor about life t hat m ade her such a
fanat ic for det ail and alm ost spit eful in her approach. I asked her, " What are you t rying t o gain by
doing t his? I know you m ust have a posit ive int ent . What is your belief about life, or about det ails, or
about whet her t hings are right or wrong?" She said, " J guess I j ust believe t hat sm all leaks sink t he
ship." I f you t hought you were going t o drown, wouldn't you be a lit t le fanat ical about finding any
possibilit y of a leak? That 's how t his wom an viewed life!
Where did t his m et aphor com e from ? I t t urned out t hat t his wom an had exper ienced sever al sit uat ions
in her life where lit t le t hings cost her a lot . She at t ribut ed her divorce t o som e sm all problem s t hat
didn't get handled—problem s she wasn't even aware of. Sim ilarly, she felt t hat her financial woes were
t he result of equally sm all causes. She adopt ed t his m et aphor t o keep her from re- experiencing pain
like t his in t he fut ure.
Obviously, she wasn't very excit ed about changing m et aphors wit hout m y providing a lit t le leverage.
Once I got her t o feel t he pain t hat t his m et aphor was const ant ly creat ing in her life, and t he
im m ediat e pleasure she could have by changing it , I was able t o assist her in breaking her pat t ern and
changing her m et aphor by creat ing a series of new ways of looking at herself and life.
She com bined a variet y of global m et aphors—life as a gam e, life as a dance—and you should have
seen t he t ransform at ion, not j ust in t he way she t reat ed ot her people, but also in t he way she t reat ed
herself, because she had always been finding sm all leaks in herself as well. This one change affect ed
t he way she approached everyt hing and is a great exam ple of how changing one global m et aphor can
t ransform every area of your life, from your self- est eem t o your relat ionships t o t he way you deal
wit h t he world at large.
Wit h all t he power t hat m et aphors wield over our lives, t he scary part is t hat m ost of us have never
consciously select ed t he m et aphors wit h which we represent t hings t o ourselves. Where did you get
your m et aphors? You probably picked t hem up from people around you, from your parent s, t eachers,
co- workers, and friends. I 'll bet you didn't t hink about t heir im pact , or m aybe you didn't even t hink
about t hem at all, and t hen t hey j ust becam e a habit .
" All percept ion of t rut h is t he det ect ion of an analogy."
HENRY DAVI D THOREAU
For years, people asked m e what it was I did exact ly. At various t im es I t ried different m et aphors—
" I 'm a t eacher," " I 'm a st udent ," " I 'm a hunt er of hum an excellence," " I 'm a speaker," " I 'm a nat ional
best - selling aut hor," " I 'm a peak perfor m ance consult ant ," " I 'm a t herapist ," "I 'm a counselor" —but
none of t hem conveyed t he right feeling. People gave m e plent y of m et aphors. I was known by m any
in t he m edia as a " guru." This is a m et aphor I avoided because I felt t hat t he presupposit ion t hat went
wit h it was t hat people were dependent upon m e t o creat e t heir change—which would never em power
t hem . Since I believe t hat we all m ust be responsible for our own change, I avoided t his m et aphor.
One day, t hough, I finally got it . " I 'm a coach," I t hought . What is a coach? To m e, a coach is a person
who is your friend, som eone who really cares about you. A coach is com m it t ed t o helping you be t he
best t hat you can be. A coach will challenge you, not let you off t he hook.
Coaches have knowledge and experience because t hey've been t here before. They aren't any bet t er
t han t he people t hey are coaching ( t his t ook away m y need t o have t o be perfect for t he people I was
" t eaching" ) .
I n fact , t he people t hey coach m ay have nat ural abilit ies superior t o t heir own. But because coaches
have concent rat ed t heir power in a part icular area for years, t hey can t each you one or t wo dist inct ions
t hat can im m ediat ely t ransform your perform ance in a m at t er of m om ent s.
Som et im es coaches can t each you new inform at ion, new st rat egies and skills; t hey show you how t o
get m easurable result s. Som et im es a coach doesn't even t each y ou som et hing new, but t hey rem ind
you of what you need t o do at j ust t he right m om ent , and t hey push you t o do it . I t hought , " What I
t ruly am is a success coach. I help t o coach people on how t o achieve what t hey really want m ore
quickly and m ore easily."
And everyone needs a coach, whet her it 's a t op- level execut ive, a graduat e st udent , a hom em aker, a
hom eless per son, or t he president of t he Unit ed St at es! As soon as I st art ed using t his m et aphor, it
im m ediat ely changed t he way I felt about m yself. I felt less st ressed, m ore relaxed; I felt closer t o
people. I didn't have t o be " perfect " or " bet t er." I began t o have m ore fun, and m y im pact on people
m ult iplied m anyfold.
A M ETAPH OR COULD SAVE YOUR LI FE
Two people Becky and I have t he privilege t o count as friends are Mart in and Janet Sheen. They have
been m arried for close t o t hirt y years, and one of t he t hings t hat I respect m ost about t hem is t heir
absolut e support for each ot her, for t heir fam ily, and for anyone in need. As m uch as t he public knows
Mart in is a com m it t ed giver, t hey have no idea how m uch he and Janet do t oget her for ot hers on a
daily basis. These t wo people are t he epit om e of int egrit y. Their m et aphor for hum anit y is t hat of " one
giant fam ily," and as a result t hey feel t he deepest caring and com passion even for com plet e st rangers.
I rem em ber when Mart in shared wit h m e t he m oving st ory of how his life changed years ago while he
was m aking Apocalypse Now. Before t hat t im e, he had seen life as som et hing t o fear. Now he sees it
as an int riguing challenge. Why? His new m et aphor is t hat life is a m yst ery. He loves t he
m yst ery of being a hum an being, t he wonder and sense of possibilit y t hat
unfolds wit h his experience of each new day.
What changed his m et aphor? I nt ense pain. Apocalypse was shot deep in t he j ungles of t he Philippines.
The shoot ing schedule was norm ally Monday t hrough Friday, and usually on Friday night , Mart in and
Janet would m ake t he t wo- and- a- half- hour drive for a weekend " ret reat " in Manila. On one weekend,
t hough, Mart in had t o st ay for an addit ional Sat urday m orning shoot . ( Janet had already com m it t ed t o
going int o t own t o purchase a glass eye for a crewm an who was so poor he was unable t o buy his own,
so she went ahead.) That night , Mart in found him self alone, t ossing and t urning, perspiring profusely,
and beginning t o experience int ense pain. By m orning he began t o have a m assive heart at t ack.
Port ions of his body becam e num b and paralyzed. He fell t o t he ground, and t hrough not hing but t he
sheer power of his will, crawled out t he door and y elled for help. Lying t here on t he ground, he said he
act ually had t he experience of dying. All of a sudden, everyt hing felt calm and sm oot h. He could see
him self m oving across t he lake and t he wat er in t he dist ance. He t hought t o him self, " Oh, t his is what
dying is," and it was t hen t hat he realized t hat he wasn't afraid of dying, t hat he had really been afraid
of life! I n t hat m om ent , he realized t hat life it self was t he real challenge. I nst ant ly, he m ade t he
decision t o live. He m ust ered every ounce of energy he had left , pushing his arm out t o grab som e
grass.
Wit h t ot al focus, he slowly pulled it up t o his nose. He could barely feel a t hing. The m om ent he
sm elled t he grass, t he pain cam e back, and he knew he was alive. He kept fight ing.
When t he crewm en discovered him , t hey were sure he would die. Bot h t he looks on t heir faces and
t heir com m ent s m ade Mart in quest ion his own abilit y t o m ake it . He began t o lose his st rengt h.
Realizing t here was no t im e, t he t op pilot on t he Apocalypse cr ew risked his own life and flew t he
helicopt er sideways t hrough t hirt y- t o fort y- knot winds in order t o get him t o t he hospit al in t own.
Upon arriving, he was put on a st ret cher and wheeled int o t he em ergency room , where he cont inued t o
receive bot h sublim inal and overt m essages t hat he was going t o die. He was becom ing weaker wit h
each m om ent . Then Janet cam e in. All she'd heard was t hat he'd had a heat st roke, but t hen t he
doct ors inform ed her of t he graveness of his condit ion. She refused t o accept it —she knew t hat Mart in
needed st rengt h; she also knew she had t o break his pat t ern of fear as well as her own. She t ook
im m ediat e act ion, and accom plished it all wit h one st at em ent . When he opened his eyes, she sm iled
bright ly and said, " I t 's j ust a m ovie, babe! I t 's only a m ovie! " Mart in said t hat in t hat m om ent he knew
he was going t o m ake it and began t o heal. What a great m et aphor! I nst ant ly, t he problem didn't
seem so grav e—it was som et hing he could handle. "A m ovie cert ainly isn't wort h having a heart at t ack
over" was t he im plied m essage, but also, sublim inally, I believe t he m et aphor cut even deeper. Aft er
all, t he pain you're experiencing when you m ake a m ovie never last s. I t 's not real, and at som e point
t he direct or will say "Cut ! " Janet 's use of t his brilliant pat t ern int errupt , t his single m et aphor, helped
Mart in t o m arshal his resources, and t o t his day he believes it saved his life.
Met aphors don't j ust affect us as individuals; t hey affect our com m unit y and our world as well. The
m et aphors w e adopt cult urally can shape our percept ions and our act ions—or lack of act ion. I n t he last
few decades, wit h t he advent of m oon m issions, we began t o adopt t he m et aphor of " Spaceship
Eart h." While t his m et aphor sounded great , it didn't always work well for creat ing an em ot ional
response t o dealing wit h our ecological challenges. Why? I t 's hard t o get em ot ional about a spaceship;
it 's disassociat ed. Cont rast t hat wit h t he feelings creat ed by t he m et aphor " Mot her Eart h," How
different ly would you feel about prot ect ing your " m ot her" t han you would about keeping a " spaceship"
clean? Pilot s and sailors oft en describe t heir planes or ships as beaut iful wom en. They say, " She's a
beaut y." Why don't t hey say, " He's a beaut y?" Because t hey'd probably be a lot rougher wit h t hat
plane or ship if t hey t hought it was som e big, fat guy nam ed Joe r at her t han som e shapely and sleek
princess gliding t hrough t he shim m ering air or sea.
We use m et aphors const ant ly during war. What was t he nam e for t he first pan of t he oper at ion in t he
Persian Gulf War? Before war was declared, it was called " Operat ion Desert Shield." But as soon as t he
com m and t o fight was given. Operat ion Desert Shield becam e " Desert St orm ." Think how t hat one
change of m et aphor inst ant ly changed t he m eaning of t he experience for ever yone. I nst ead of
shielding t he rest of t he Arabs from Saddam Hussein, in General Norm an Schwarzkopfs words, t he
t roops becam e " t he st or m of freedom ," sweeping t he occupying I raqi forces out of Kuwait .
" An iron curt ain has descended across t he Cont inent ."
WI NSTON CHURCHI LL
Think how radically t he face of east ern Europe has changed j ust in t he last couple of years. The " I ron
Curt ain" was a m et aphor t hat shaped t he post - World War I I experience for decades, and t he Berlin
Wall served as a physical sym bol for t he im posing barrier t hat divided all of Europe. When t he Berlin
Wall cam e down in Novem ber 1989, m ore t han j ust a st one wall was dem olished. The dest r uct ion of
t hat one sym bol inst ant ly provided a new m et aphor t hat changed t he beliefs of m ult it udes of people
about what was possible in t heir lifet im es. Why did people have so m uch fun digging away at an old,
crum bling wall when t here were plent y of gat es t hey could go t hrough? I t was because knocking down
t he wall was a universal m et aphor for possibilit y, freedom , and breaking t hrough barriers.
FI T TH E W ORD TO TH E D EED
Being aware of t he vast power cont ained in m et aphors includes knowing how t o use t hem in an
appropriat e cont ext . The challenge is t hat a lot of people have m et aphors t hat help t hem in t heir
professions, but creat e challenges at hom e. I know an at t orney who found herself t rying t o apply
t he sam e adversarial m et aphors at hom e t hat served her so well at work. Her husband would st art a
perfect ly innocent conver sat ion wit h her, and t he next t hing he knew, he felt like he was up on t he
wit ness st and being cross- exam ined! That doesn't w ork t oo well in a personal relat ionship, does it ? Or
suppose som eone is a t ot ally dedicat ed police officer. I f t hey can't let go of t heir work when t hey get
hom e, do you t hink t hey m ight always be on t he lookout for ot her people violat ing t heir st andards?
One of t he best exam ples of an inappropriat e m et aphor is a m an who was so dissociat ed t hat his wife
and children didn't feel any connect ion wit h him at all. They resent ed t he way he never expressed his
t rue feelings and t he fact t hat he always seem ed t o be direct ing t hem . Do you know what his
profession was? He was an air t raffic cont roller! On t he j ob he had t o rem ain det ached. Even if t here
was an em ergency, he had t o keep his voice absolut ely calm so as not t o alarm t he pilot s he was
direct ing. That disassociat ed at t it ude worked well in t he cont rol t ower, but it didn't work at hom e. Be
careful not t o carry t he m et aphors t hat are appr opriat e in one cont ext , like t he environm ent in which
you work, int o an incom pat ible cont ext , like how you relat e t o your fam ily or friends.
What are som e of t he m et aphors people have for t heir personal relat ionships? Som e people call t he
person t hey'r e in a relat ionship wit h " t he old m an" or " t he old hag." Som e call t hem " t he dict at or," " t he
ball and chain," " t he warden." One wom an act ually called her husband " t he Pr ince of Darkness" ! What
are som e m ore em powering alt ernat ives?
Many people call t heir m at e t heir " lover," t heir " bet t er half," t heir " part ner in life," t heir " t eam m at e,"
t heir " soul m at e." By t he way, even changing one slight nuance of a m et aphor will change t he way you
perceive t he relat ionship. You m ay not feel passionat e for a " part ner," but you cert ainly would for your
" lover." Do you t hink t hat t he m et aphors you use in represent ing your relat ionship t o yourself as well
as t o ot hers would affect t he way you feel about it and how you relat e t o one anot her? You bet ! One
lady who cam e t o a Dat e Wit h Dest iny sem inar kept referring t o her husband as " t his j erk
I 'm wit h," and I had not iced t hat whenever he t alked about her, he called her " t he love" of his life or
his " bet t er halt " or his " gift from God." When I point ed t his out t o her, she was shocked, because she's
a very loving wom an who hadn't realized how t oxic one casually adopt ed m et aphor could be. Toget her
we select ed m ore appropriat e m et aphors for her relat ionship wit h her husband.
ALL I W AN T FOR CH RI STM AS ...
One of m y friends who obviously doesn't have kids used t o call t hem " bart ers." As long as he held t hat
m et aphor, can you im agine how kids responded t o him ? Recent ly, t hough, he filled in for Sant a Claus
at a depar t m ent st ore—several of us set him up so he had t o do it —and he got t o have hundreds of
" bart ers" com e and sit on his lap.
Well, t hat one experience gave him a t ot ally new view of children and changed his m et aphor forever.
Now he calls t hem " cuddles" ! Do you t hink t hat changed t he way he feels? You'd bet t er believe it .
Calling your kids " brat s" doesn't usually m ake you want t o t ake good car e of t hem or nurt ure t hem .
Make sure t hat you have t he appropriat e m et aphor t hat support s you in dealing wit h your children—
rem em ber, t hey list en and learn from you.
One of t he m ost em powering global m et aphors t hat has helped m e t hrough t ough t im es is a st ory
shared by m any speakers in personal developm ent . I t 's t he sim ple st ory of a st onecut t er. How does a
st onecut t er break open a giant boulder? He st art s out wit h a big ham m er and whacks t he boulder as
hard as he can. The first t im e he hit s it , t here's not a scrat ch, not a chip—not hing. He pulls back t he
ham m er and hit s it again and again—100, 200, 300 t im es wit hout even a scrat ch. Aft er all t his effort ,
t he boulder m ay not show even t he slight est crack, but he keeps on hit t ing it . People som et im es pass
by and laugh at him for persist ing when obviously his act ions are having no effect . But a st onecut t er is
very int elligent . He knows t hat j ust because you don't see im m ediat e result s from your current act ions,
it doesn't m ean you're not m aking progress. He keeps hit t ing at different point s in t he st one, over and
over again, and at som e point —m aybe on t he 500t h or 700t h hit , m aybe on t he 1,0004t h hit —t he
st one doesn't j ust chip, but lit erally split s in half. Was if t his one single hit t hat broke t he st one open?
Of course not . I t was t he const ant and cont inual pressure being applied t o som et hing else. And pret t y
soon, what does it becom e?" And he said, " A but t erfly."
I asked, " Can t he ot her lit t le cat erpillars on t he ground see t hat t his cat erpillar becam e a but t erfly?" He
said, " No." I said, " And when a cat erpillar breaks out of t he cocoon, what does he do?" Joshua said,
" He flies." I said, " Yeah, he get s out and t he sunlight dries off his wings and he flies. He's even m ore
beaut iful t han when he was a cat erpillar. I s he m ore free or less free?" Josh said, " He's m uch m ore
free." And I said, " Do you t hink he'll have m ore fun?" And he said, " Yeah—he's got less legs t o get
t ired! " And I said, " That 's right , he does. He doesn't need legs anym ore; he's got wings. I t hink your
friend has wings now.
" You see, it 's not for us t o decide when som ebody becom es a but t erfly. We t hink it 's wrong, but I t hink
God has a bet t er idea when t he right t im e is. Right now it 's wint er and you want it t o be sum m er, but
God has a different plan. Som et im es we j ust have t o t rust t hat God knows how t o m ake but t erflies
bet t er t han w e do. And when we're cat erpillars, som et im es we don't even realize t hat but t erflies exist ,
because t hey 're up abov e us—but m aybe we should j ust rem em ber t hat t hey'r e t here." And Joshua
sm iled, gave m e a big hug and said, " I bet he's a beaut iful but t erfly."
Met aphors can change t he m eaning you associat e t o anyt hing, change what you link pain and pleasure
t o, and t ransform your life as effect ively as t hey t ransform your language. Select t hem car efully, select
t hem int elligent ly, select t hem so t hey will deepen and enrich your experience of life and t hat of t he
people you care about . Becom e a " m et aphor det ect ive." Whenever you hear som eone using a
m et aphor t hat places lim it s, j ust st ep in, break t heir pat t ern, and offer a new one. Do t his wit h ot hers,
and do it for yourself.
So t ry t he following exercise:
1. What is life? Writ e down t he m et aphors you've already chosen: " Life is like. . ." what ? Brainst orm
everyt hing you can t hink of, because you probably have m ore t han one m et aphor for life. When you're
in an unresourceful st at e, you probably call it a bat t le or a war, and when you're in a good st at e,
m aybe you t hink of it as a gift . Writ e t hem all down. Then review your list and ask yourself, " I f life is
such and such, what does it m ean t o m e?" I f life is sacred, what does t hat m ean? I f life is a dream ,
what does t hat m ean? I f all t he world is a st age, what does t hat m ean? Each of your m et aphors
em power and lim it . " All t he world's a st age" m ay be great because it m eans you can go out t here and
m ake a difference and be heard. But it also m ay m ean you're som eone who's always perform ing,
inst ead of sharing your t rue feelings. So t ake a good look at t he m et aphors t hat you've m ade available
t o yourself. What are t heir advant ages and disadvant ages? What new m et aphors m ight you like t o
apply t o your life in order t o feel m ore happy, free, and em powered?
2. Make a list of all t he m et aphors t hat you link t o relat ionships or m arriage. Are t hey em powering or
disem powering? Rem em ber, conscious awareness alone can t ransform your m et aphors, because your
brain st art s t o say, " That doesn't work —t hat 's ridiculous.'" And you can adopt a new m et aphor easily.
The beaut y of t his t echnology is t hat it 's so sim ple.
3. Pick anot her area of your life t hat im pact s you m ost —whet her it 's your business, your parent s, your
children, your abilit y t o learn—and discover your m et aphors for t his area. Writ e t hese m et aphors down
and st udy t heir im pact . Writ e down, " Learning is like playing." I f st udying is like " pulling t eet h," you
can im agine t he pain you're giving yourself! This m ight be a good m et aphor t o change, and change
now/ Once again, not ice t he posit ive and negat ive consequences of each of your m et aphors. Exploring
t hem can creat e new choices for your life.
4. Creat e new, m ore em powering m et aphors for each of t hese areas. Decide t hat from now on you're
going t o t hink of life as four or five new t hings t o st art wit h, at least . Life is not a war. Life is not a t est .
Life is a gam e, life is a dance, life is sacred, life is a gift , life is a picnic— what ever creat es t he m ost
posit ive em ot ional int ensit y for you.
5. Finally, decide t hat you are going t o live wit h t hese new, em powering m et aphors for t he next t hirt y
days.
I invit e you t o allow t he radiance of your new m et aphors t o " sweep you off your feet " and m ake you
feel like you're " float ing on air" unt il you arrive at " Cloud Nine." While you're " on t op of t he world," you
can look down on " Easy St reet " and be " t ickled pink," knowing t hat t he am ount of j oy you're feeling in
t his m om ent is only t he " t ip of t he iceberg." Take cont rol of your m et aphors now and creat e a new
world for yourself: a world of possibilit y, of richness, of wonder, and of j oy. Once you've m ast ered t he
creat ive art of Graft ing m et aphors, t ransform ing vocabulary, and asking em powering quest ions, you
are ready t o harness. . .
11
THE TEN EMOTI ONS OF POWER
" There can be no t ransform ing of darkness int o light and of apat hy int o m ovem ent wit hout em ot ion."
CARL JUNG
I 'd like t o int roduce you t o a fellow nam ed Walt . Walt is a good, decent hum an being who always t ries
t o do t he right t hing. He has his life down t o a science: everyt hing in it s proper place and in t he correct
order. Week days he arises at exact ly 6: 30, showers and shaves, gulps down som e coffee, grabs his
lunch pail filled wit h t he requisit e bologna sandwich and Twinkles, and runs out t he door by 7: 10 t o
spend fort y- five m inut es in t raffic. He arrives at his desk by 8: 00, where he sit s down t o do t he sam e
j ob he's been doing for t he past t went y years.
At 5: 00 he goes hom e, pops t he t op on a " cold one," and grabs t he TV rem ot e- cont rol. An hour lat er
his wife com es hom e and t hey decide whet her t o eat left overs or t hrow a pizza in t he m icrowave. Aft er
dinner he wat ches t he news while his wife bat hes t heir kid and put s him t o bed. By no lat er t han 9: 30
he's in t he sack. He devot es his weekends t o yard work, car m aint enance, and sleeping in. Walt and
his new wife have been m arried for t hree years, and while he wouldn't exact ly describe t heir
relat ionship as " inflam ed wit h passion," it 's com fort able—even t hough lat ely it seem s t o be repeat ing a
lot of t he sam e pat t erns of his first m arriage.
Do you know som eone j ust like Walt ? Maybe he's som eone you know int im at ely—som eone who never
suffers t he dept hs of ut t er devast at ion or despondency, but also som eone who never revels in t he
height s of passion and j oy. I 've heard it said t hat t he only difference bet ween a rut and a grave is a
few feet , and over a cent ury ago, Thoreau observed t hat " t he m ass of m en lead lives of quiet
desperat ion." As we m ove int o t he next cent ury, t his phrase is unfort unat ely m ore applicable t han ever.
I f t here's one t hing I 've not iced in t he count less let t ers I 've received since I wrot e Unlim it ed Power, it 's
t he overwhelm ing prevalence of t his kind of disassociat ion in people's lives—som et hing t hat j ust
" happened" out of t heir desire t o avoid pain—and t he hunger wit h which t hey seize upon an
opport unit y t o feel m ore alive, m ore passionat e, m ore elect ric. From m y perspect ive, as I t ravel
around t he world, m eet ing people from all walks of life and " feeling t he pulse" of lit erally hundreds of
t housands of individuals, we all seem t o inst inct ively realize t he risk of em ot ional " flat line," and
desperat ely seek ways t o get our heart s pum ping again.
So m any suffer from t he delusion t hat em ot ions are ent irely out of t heir cont rol, t hat t hey're j ust
som et hing t hat spont aneously occurs in react ion t o t he event s of our lives. Oft en we dread em ot ions
as if t hey were viruses t hat zero in on us and at t ack when we're m ost vulnerable. Som et im es we t hink
of t hem as " inferior cousins" t o our int ellect and discount t heir validit y. Or we assum e t hat em ot ions
arise in response t o what ot hers do or say t o us. What 's t he com m on elem ent in all t hese global beliefs?
I t 's t he m isconcept ion t hat we have no cont rol over t hese m yst erious t hings called em ot ions.
Out of t heir need t o avoid feeling cert ain em ot ions, people will oft en go t o great , even ridiculous,
lengt hs. They'll t urn t o drugs, alcohol, overeat ing, gam bling; t hey'll lapse int o debilit at ing depr ession.
I n order t o avoid " hurt ing" a loved one ( or being hurt by one) , t hey'll suppress all em ot ions, end up as
em ot ional androids, and ult im at ely dest roy all t he feelings of connect ion t hat got t hem t oget her in t he
first place, t hus devast at ing t he ones t hey love m ost .
I believe t here are four basic ways in which people deal wit h em ot ion. Which of t hese have you used
t oday?
1 . Avoida n ce . We all want t o avoid painful em ot ions. As a result , m ost people t ry t o avoid any
sit uat ion t hat could lead t o t he em ot ions t hat t hey fear—or worse, som e people t ry not t o feel any
em ot ions at all! I f, for exam ple, t hey fear rej ect ion, t hey t ry t o avoid any sit uat ion t hat could lead t o
rej ect ion. They shy away from relat ionships. They don't apply for challenging j obs. Dealing wit h
em ot ions in t his way is t he ult im at e t rap, because while avoiding negat ive sit uat ions m ay prot ect you
in t he short t erm , it keeps you from feeling t he very love, int im acy, and connect ion t hat you desire
m ost . And ult im at ely, you can't avoid feeling. A m uch m ore powerful approach is t o learn t o find t he
hidden, posit ive m eaning in t hose t hings you once t hought were negat ive em ot ions.
2 . D e n ia l. A second approach t o dealing wit h em ot ion is t he denial st rat egy. People oft en t ry t o
disassociat e from t heir feelings by saying, " I t doesn't feel t hat bad." Meanwhile, t hey keep st oking t he
fire wit hin t hem selves by t hinking about how horrible t hings are, or how som eone has t aken advant age
of t hem , or how t hey do everyt hing right but t hings st ill t urn out wrong, and why does t his always
happen t o t hem ? I n ot her words, t hey never change t heir focus or physiology, and t hey keep asking
t he sam e disem powering quest ions. Experiencing an em ot ion and t rying t o pret end it 's not t here only
creat es m or e pain. Once again, ignoring t he m essages t hat your em ot ions are t rying t o give you will
not m ake t hings bet t er. I f t he m essage your em ot ions are t rying t o deliver is ignored, t he em ot ions
sim ply increase t heir am perage; t hey int ensify unt il you finally pay at t ent ion. Trying t o deny your
em ot ions is not t he solut ion. Underst anding t hem and using t hem is t he st rat egy you'll learn in t his
chapt er.
3 . Com pe t it ion . Many people st op fight ing t heir painful em ot ions and decide t o fully indulge in t hem .
Rat her t han learn t he posit ive m essage t heir em ot ion is t rying t o give t hem , t hey int ensify it and m ake
it even worse t han it is. I t becom es a " badge of courage," and t hey begin t o com pet e wit h ot hers,
saying, " You t hink you've got it bad? Let m e t ell you how bad I 've got it ! " I t lit erally becom es part of
t heir ident it y, a way of being unique; t hey begin t o pride t hem selves on being worse off t han anyone
else. As you can im agine, t his is one of t he deadliest t raps of all. This approach m ust be avoided at all
cost s, because it becom es a self fulfilling prophecy where t he person ends up having an invest m ent in
feeling bad on a regular basis—and t hen t hey are t ruly t rapped. A m uch m ore powerful and healt hy
approach t o dealing wit h t he em ot ions t hat we t hink are painful is t o realize t hat t hey serve a posit ive
purpose, and t hat is ...
4 . Le a r n in g a n d Usin g. I f you want t o m ake your life really work, you m ust m ake your em ot ions
work for you. You can't run from t hem ; you can't t une t hem out ; you can't t rivialize t hem or delude
yourself about what t hey m ean. Nor can you j ust allow t hem t o run your life. Em ot ions, even t hose
t hat seem painful in t he short t erm , are t ruly like an int ernal com pass t hat point s you t oward t he
act ions you m ust t ake t o arrive at your goals. Wit hout knowing how t o use t his com pass, you'll be
forever at t he m ercy of any psychic t em pest t hat blows your way.
Many t herapeut ic disciplines begin wit h t he m ist aken presupposit ion t hat em ot ions are our enem ies or
t hat our em ot ional well- being is root ed in our past . The t rut h is t hat you and I can go from crying t o
laughing in a heart beat if t he pat t ern of our m ent al focus and physiology is m erely int errupt ed st rongly
enough. Freudian psychoanalysis, for exam ple, searches for t hose " deep, dark secret s" in our past t o
explain our present difficult ies. Yet we all know t hat what ever you cont inually look for, you will surely
find. I f you're const ant ly looking for t he reasons why your past has ham st rung your present , or why
you're so " screwed up," t hen your brain will com ply by providing references t o back up your request
and generat e t he appropriat e negat ive em ot ions. How m uch bet t er it would be t o adopt t he global
belief t hat " your past does not equal your fut ure" !
The only way t o effect ively use your em ot ions is t o underst and t hat t hey all serve you. You m ust learn
from your em ot ions and use t hem t o creat e t he r esult s you want for a great er qualit y of life. The
em ot ions you once t hought of as negat ive are m erely a call t o act ion. I n fact , inst ead of calling t hem
negat ive em ot ions, from now on in t his chapt er, let 's call t hem Act ion Signals. Once you're fam iliar
wit h each signal and it s m essage, your em ot ions becom e not your enem y but your ally. They becom e
your friend, your m ent or, your coach; t hey guide you t hrough life's m ost soar ing highs and it s m ost
dem oralizing lows. Learning t o use t hese signals frees you from your fears and allows you t o
experience all t he richness of which we hum ans are capable. To get t o t his point , t hen, you m ust
change your global beliefs about what em ot ions are. They are not predat ors, subst it ut es for logic, or
product s of ot her people's whim s. They are Act ion Signals t rying t o guide you t o t he prom ise of a
great er qualit y of life.
I f you m erely react t o your em ot ions t hrough an avoidance pat t er n, t hen you'll m iss out on t he
invaluable m essage t hey have t o offer you. I f you cont inue t o m iss t he m essage and fail t o handle t he
em ot ions when t hey first t urn up, t hey'll grow int o full- blown crises. All our em ot ions are im port ant
and valuable in t he proper am ount s, t im ing, and cont ext .
Re a liz e t h a t t h e e m ot ion s you a r e fe e lin g a t t h is ve r y m om e n t a r e a gift , a gu ide lin e , a
su ppor t syst e m , a ca ll t o a ct ion . I f you su ppr e ss you r e m ot ion s a n d t r y t o dr ive t h e m ou t of
you r life , or if you m a gn ify t h e m a n d a llow t h e m t o t a k e ove r e ve r yt h in g, t h e n you 'r e
squ a n de r ing on e of life 's m ost pr e ciou s r e sour ce s.
So what is t he source of em ot ions? You a r e t h e sou r ce of a ll y ou r e m ot ion s; you a r e t h e on e
w h o cr e a t e s t h e m . So m any people feel t hat t hey have t o wait for cert ain experiences in order t o
feel t he em ot ions t hey desire. For inst ance, t hey don't give t hem selves perm ission t o feel loved or
happy or confident unless a part icular set of expect at ions is m et . I 'm here t o t ell you t hat you ca n
fe e l a n y w a y you ch oose a t a n y m om e n t in t im e .
At t he sem inars I conduct near m y hom e in Del Mar, California, we've creat ed a fun anchor t o rem ind
us who is really responsible for our em ot ions. These sem inars are held in an exquisit e, four- st ar resort ,
t he I nn L'Auberge, which sit s right on t he ocean, and is also near t he t rain st at ion. About four t im es a
day, you can hear t he t rain whist le loudly as it passes t hrough. Som e sem inar part icipant s would
becom e irrit at ed at t he int errupt ion ( rem em ber, t hey didn't know about Transform at ional Vocabulary
yet ! ) , so I decided t hat t his was t he per fect opport unit y t o t urn frust rat ion int o fun. " From now on," I
said, " whenever we hear t hat t rain howl, we'll celebrat e. I want t o see how good you can m ake
yourselves feel whenever you hear t hat t rain. We're always wait ing for t he right person or right
sit uat ion t o com e along before we feel good. But who det erm ines whet her t his is t he right person or
sit uat ion? When you do feel good, who's m aking you feel good? You are! But you sim ply have a rule
t hat says you have t o wait unt il A, B, and C occur before you allow yourself t o feel good. Why wait ?
Why not set up a rule t hat says t hat whenever you hear a t rain whist le, you'll aut om at ically feel great ?
The good news is t hat t he t rain whist le is probably m ore consist ent and predict able t han t he people
you're hoping will show up t o m ake you feel good! "
Now, whenever we hear t he t rain pass, j ubilat ion ensues. People im m ediat ely j um p out of t heir chairs,
cheer and holler, and act like silly m aniacs—including doct ors, lawyers, CEOs—people who were
supposedly int elligent before t hey arrived! As ever yone sit s back down, uproarious laught er ensues.
What 's t he lesson? You don't have t o wait for anyt hing or anyone! You don't need any special reason
t o feel good—you can j ust decide t o feel good right now, sim ply because you're alive, sim ply because
you want t o.
So if you're t he source of all your em ot ions, why don't you feel good all t he t im e? Again, it 's because
your so- called negat ive em ot ions are giving you a m essage. What is t he m essage of t hese Act ion
Signals?
They're t elling you t hat what you're current ly doing is not working, t hat t he reason you have pain is
eit her t he way you're perceiving t hings or t he procedures you're using: specifically, t he way you're
com m unicat ing your needs and desires t o people, or t he act ions you're t aking.
What you're doing is not producing t he result you want , and you have t o change your approach.
Rem em ber t hat your percept ions are cont rolled by what you focus on and t he m eanings you int erpret
from t hings. And you can change your percept ion in a m om ent , j ust by changing t he way you're using
your physiology or by asking yourself a bet t er quest ion.
Your procedures include your st yle of com m unicat ion. Maybe you're being t oo harsh in t he way you
com m unicat e, or m aybe your procedur e is not even com m unicat ing your needs, and you're expect ing
ot her people t o know what you need. This could creat e a lot of frust rat ion, anger, and hurt in your life.
Maybe t his Act ion Signal of feeling hurt is t rying t o t ell you t hat you need t o change your way of
com m unicat ing so you don't feel hurt again in t he fut ure. Feeling depressed is anot her call t o act ion,
t elling you t hat you need t o change your percept ion t hat t he problem s you're dealing wit h are
perm anent or out of cont rol. Or, you need t o t ake som e kind of physical act ion t o handle one area of
your life so t hat once again you rem em ber t hat you are in cont rol.
This is t he t rue m essage of all your Act ion Signals. They're m er ely t rying t o support you in t aking
act ion t o change t he way you t hink, change t he w ay you're per ceiving t hings, or change your
procedures for com m unicat ing or behaving. These calls t o act ion are t here t o r em ind you t hat you
don't want t o be like t he fly who keeps banging him self against t he window, t rying t o get t hrough t he
glass—if you don't change your approach, all t he persist ence in t he world will never pay off. Your
Act ion Signals are whispering t o you ( perhaps scr eam ing! ) , t hrough t he experience of pain, t hat you
need t o change what you're doing.
SI X STEPS TO EM OTI ON AL M ASTERY
I 've found t hat whenever I feel a painful em ot ion, t here are six st eps I can t ake very quickly t o break
m y lim it ing pat t erns, find t he benefit of t hat em ot ion, and set m yself up so t hat in t he fut ure I can get
t he lesson from t he em ot ion and elim inat e t he pain m ore quickly. Let 's exam ine t hem briefly.
STEP ONE
I dent ify What You're Really Feeling
So oft en people feel so overloaded t hey don't even know what t hey're feeling. All t hey know is t hat
t hey're being " at t acked" by all t hese negat ive em ot ions and feelings. I nst ead of feeling overloaded,
st ep back for a m om ent and ask yourself, " What am I really feeling right now?" I f you t hink at first ,
" I 'm feeling angry," begin t o ask yourself, " Am I really feeling angry? Or is it som et hing else? Maybe
what I 'm really feeling is hurt . Or I feel like I 've lost out on som et hing." Realize t hat a feeling of hurt
or a feeling of loss is not as int ense as t he feeling of anger. Just in t aking a m om ent t o ident ify what
you're really feeling, and beginning t o quest ion your em ot ions, you m ay be able t o lower t he em ot ional
int ensit y you're experiencing, and t her efore deal wit h t he sit uat ion m uch m ore quickly and easily.
I f, for exam ple, you say, " Right now I feel rej ect ed," you m ight ask yourself, " Am I feeling rej ect ed, or
am I feeling a sense of separat ion from a person I love? Am I feeling rej ect ed, or am I feeling
disappoint ed! Am I feeling rej ect ed, or am I feeling a lit t le uncom fort able?" Rem em ber t he power of
Transform at ional Vocabulary t o im m ediat ely lower your int ensit y. Again, as you ident ify what you're
really feeling, you can lower t he int ensit y even m ore, which m akes it m uch easier t o learn from t he
em ot ion.
STEP TWO
Acknowledge and Appreciat e Your Em ot ions,
Knowing They Support You
You never want t o m ake your em ot ions wrong. The idea t hat anyt hing you feel is "wrong" is a great
way t o dest roy honest com m unicat ion wit h yourself as well as wit h ot hers. Be t hankful t hat t here's a
part of your brain t hat is sending you a signal of support , a call t o act ion t o m ake a change in eit her
your percept ion of som e aspect of your life or in your act ions. I f you're willing t o t rust your em ot ions,
knowing t hat even t hough you don't underst and t hem at t he m om ent , each and every one you
experience is t here t o support you in m aking a posit ive change, you will im m ediat ely st op t he war you
once had wit h yourself. I nst ead, you'll feel yourself m oving t oward sim ple solut ions. Making an
em ot ion " wrong" will rarely cause it t o becom e less int ense. What ever you resist t ends t o persist .
Cult ivat e t he feeling of appreciat ion for all em ot ions, and like a child t hat needs at t ent ion, you'll find
your em ot ions " calm ing down" alm ost im m ediat ely.
STEP THREE
Get Curious about t he Message This
Em ot ion I s Offering You
Rem em ber t he power of changing em ot ional st at es? I f you put yourself in a st at e of m ind where you
t ruly are feeling curious about learning som et hing, t his is an im m ediat e pat t er n int errupt t o any
em ot ion and enables you t o learn a great deal about yourself. Get t ing curious helps you m ast er your
em ot ion, solve t he challenge, and prev ent t he sam e problem from occurring in t he fut ure. As you
begin t o feel t he em ot ion, get curious about what it really has t o offer you. What do you need t o do
right now t o m ake t hings bet t er? I f you're feeling lonely, for exam ple, get curious and ask, " I s it
possible t hat I 'm j ust m isint erpret ing t he sit uat ion t o m ean t hat I 'm alone, when in realit y I have all
kinds of friends? I f I j ust let t hem know I want t o visit wit h t hem , wouldn't t hey love t o visit wit h m e
as well? I s m y loneliness giving m e a m essage t hat I need t o t ake act ion, reach out m ore and
connect wit h people?" Here are four quest ions t o ask yourself t o becom e curious about your em ot ions:
What do I really want t o feel?
What would I have t o believe in order t o feel t he way I 've been feeling?
What am I willing t o do t o creat e a solut ion and handle t his right now?
What can I learn from t his?
As you get curious about your em ot ions, you'll learn im port ant dist inct ions about t hem , not only t oday,
but in t he fut ure as well.
STEP FOUR
Get Confident
Get confident t hat you can handle t his em ot ion im m ediat ely. Th e qu ick e st , sim ple st , a n d m ost
pow e r fu l w a y I k n ow t o h a n dle a n y e m ot ion is t o r e m e m be r a t im e w h e n you fe lt a sim ila r
e m ot ion a n d r e a lize t h a t you 've su cce ssfu lly h a n dle d t h is e m ot ion be for e . Sin ce you h a n dle d
it in t h e pa st , su r e ly you ca n h a n dle it a ga in t oda y. The t rut h is, if you've ever had t his Act ion
Signal before and got t en t hrough it , you already have a st rat egy of how t o change your em ot ional
st at es.
So st op right now and t hink about t hat t im e when you felt t he sam e em ot ions and how you dealt wit h
t hem in a posit ive way. Use t his as t he role m odel or checklist for what you can do right now t o change
how you feel. What did you do back t hen? Did you change what you were focusing on, t he quest ions
you asked yourself, your percept ions? Or did you t ake som e kind of new act ion? Decide t o do t he sam e
right now, wit h t he confidence t hat it will work j ust as it did before. I f you're feeling depressed, for
exam ple, and you've been able t o t urn it around before, ask yourself, " What did I do t hen?" Did you
t ake som e new act ion like going for a run or m aking som e phone calls? Once you've m ade som e
dist inct ions about what you've done in t he past , do t he sam e t hings now, and you'll find t hat you’ll get
sim ilar result s.
STEP FI VE
Get Cert ain You Can Handle This Not Only Today,
But in t he Fut ure as Well
You want t o feel cert ain t hat you can handle t his em ot ion easily in t he fut ure by having a great plan t o
do so. One way t o do t his is t o sim ply rem em ber t he ways you've handled it in t he past , and rehearse
handling sit uat ions where t his Act ion Signal would com e up in t he fut ure. See, hear, and feel yourself
handling t he sit uat ion easily. Repet it ions of t his wit h em ot ional int ensit y will creat e wit hin you a neural
pat hway of cert aint y t hat you can easily deal wit h such challenges. I n addit ion, j ot down on a piece of
paper t hree or four ot her ways t hat you could change your percept ion when an Act ion Signal com es up,
or ways t hat you could change how you were com m unicat ing your feelings or needs, or ways t hat you
could change t he act ions you were t aking in t his part icular sit uat ion.
STEP SI X
Get Excit ed, and Take Act ion
Now t hat you've finished t he first five st eps—ident ified what you were really feeling, appreciat ed t he
em ot ion inst ead of fight ing it , got t en curious about what it really m eant and t he lesson it was offering
you, learned from it , figured out how t o t urn t hings around by m odeling your successful past st rat egies
for handling t he em ot ion, and rehearsed dealing wit h it in fut ure sit uat ions and inst alled a sense of
cert aint y—t he final st ep is obvious: Get excit ed, and t ake act ion! Get excit ed about t he fact t hat you
can easily handle t his em ot ion, and t ake som e act ion right away t o prove t hat you've handled it . Don't
st ay st uck in t he lim it ing em ot ions you're having. Express yourself by using what you rehear sed
int ernally t o creat e a change in your percept ions or your act ions. Rem em ber t hat t he new dist inct ions
you've j ust m ade will change t he way you feel not only t oday, but how you deal wit h t his em ot ion in
t he fut ure.
Wit h t hese six sim ple st eps, you can m ast er virt ually any em ot ion t hat com es up in your life. I f you
find yourself dealing wit h t he sam e em ot ion again and again, t his six- st ep m et hod will help you
ident ify t he pat t ern and change it in a very short period of t im e. So pract ice using t his syst em . Like
anyt hing else t hat 's brand- new, at first t his m ay seem cum bersom e72 . But t he m ore you do it , t he
easier it will becom e t o use, and pret t y soon you'll find yourself being able t o navigat e your way
t hrough what you used t o t hink were em ot ional m inefields.
What you’ll see inst ead will be a field of personal coaches guiding you each st ep of t he way, showing
you where you need t o go t o achieve your goals.
Rem em ber, t he best t im e t o handle an em ot ion is when you first begin t o feel it . I t 's m uch m ore
difficult t o int errupt an em ot ional pat t ern once it 's full- blown. My philosophy is, " Kill t he m onst er while
it 's lit t le." Use t his syst em quickly, as soon as t he Act ion Signal m akes it self known, and you’ll find
yourself being able t o quickly handle virt ually any em ot ion.
TH E TEN ACTI ON SI GN ALS
Wit h t he six st eps alone, you can change m ost em ot ions. But in order t o keep yourself from even
having t o use t he six st eps, you m ay find it useful t o have a conscious underst anding of what posit ive
m essage each of your m aj or em ot ions or Act ion Signals is t rying t o give you. I n t he next couple of
pages, I 'll share wit h you t he t en prim ary em ot ions m ost people t ry t o avoid but which you will inst ead
use t o drive yourself t o act ion. Reading t his list of Act ion Signals won't give you inst ant m ast ery of
your em ot ions. You've got t o use t hese dist inct ions consist ent ly in order t o reap t heir benefit s. I
suggest t hat you reread t his sect ion several t im es, underlining t he areas t hat are especially significant
for you, and t hen writ e down t he Act ion Signals on a 3 x 5 card you can carry wit h you everywhere,
72
cumbersome lästig, hinderlich; klobig
rem inding yourself of t he m eaning t he em ot ion really has for you and what act ion you can t ake t o
ut ilize it . At t ach one of t hese lit t le cards t o t he sun visor in your car, not only so you can review it
t hroughout t he day, but so if you get st uck in t raffic and begin t o " boil over in rage," you'll be able t o
pull out t he card and rem ind yourself of t he posit ive nat ure of t he m essages you're receiving.
Let 's begin wit h t he m ost basic call t o act ion, t he em ot ion of ...
1 . D I SCOM FORT. Uncom fort able em ot ions don't have a t rem endous am ount of int ensit y, but t hey do
bot her us and creat e t he nagging sensat ion t hat t hings are not quit e right .
Th e M e ssa ge :
Bor e dom , im pa t ie n ce , u n e a se , dist r e ss, or m ild e m ba r r a ssm e n t a r e a ll se n din g you a
m e ssa ge t ha t som e t h in g is n ot qu it e r igh t . May be t he way you're perceiving t hings is off, or t he
act ions you're t aking are not producing t he result s you want .
Th e Solu t ion :
Dealing wit h em ot ions of discom fort is sim ple:
1 ) Use t h e sk ills you 've a lr e a dy le a r n e d in t h is book t o ch a n ge you r st a t e ;
2 ) Cla r ify w h a t you do w a n t ; a n d
3 ) Re fin e you r a ct ion s. Tr y a sligh t ly diffe r e n t a ppr oa ch a n d se e if you ca n 't im m e dia t e ly
ch a n ge t h e w a y you 'r e fe e lin g a bou t t h e sit u a t ion a n d/ or ch a n ge t h e qu a lit y of r e su lt s
you 'r e pr odu cin g.
Like all em ot ions, if not dealt wit h, uncom fort able feelings will int ensify. Discom fort is som ewhat
painful, but t he ant icipat ion of possible em ot ional pain is m uch m ore int ense t han t he discom fort you
m ight be feeling in t he m om ent . You and I need t o rem em ber t hat our im aginat ion can m ake t hings
t en t im es m ore int ense t han anyt hing we could ever experience in real life. I n fact , t here's a saying in
chess and in m art ial art s: " The t hreat of at t ack is great er t han t he at t ack it self." When we begin t o
ant icipat e pain, especially int ense levels of it , oft en we begin t o develop t he Act ion Signal of ...
2 . FEAR. Fearful em ot ions include everyt hing from low levels of concern and apprehension t o int ense
worry, anxiet y, fright , and even t error. Fear serves a purpose, and it s m essage is sim ple.
Th e M e ssa ge :
Fe a r is sim ply t h e a n t icipa t ion t h a t som e t h in g t h a t 's goin g t o h a ppe n soon n e e ds t o be
pr e pa r e d for . I n t he words of t he Boy Scout m ot t o, " Be prepared." We need eit her t o prepare t o cope
wit h t he sit uat ion, or t o do som et hing t o change it . The t ragedy is t hat m ost people eit her t ry t o deny
t heir fear, or t hey wallow in it . Neit her of t hese appr oaches is respect ing t he m essage t hat fear is
t rying t o deliver, so it will cont inue t o pursue you as it t ries t o get it s m essage across. You don't want
t o surrender t o fear and am plify it by st art ing t o t hink of t he worst t hat could happen, nor do you want
t o pret end it 's not t here.
Th e Solu t ion :
Review what you were feeling fearful about and evaluat e what you m ust do t o prepare your self
m ent ally. Figure out what act ions you need t o t ake t o deal wit h t he sit uat ion in t he best possible way.
Som et im es we've done all t he preparat ion we could for som et hing; t here's not hing else we can do—but
we st ill sit around in fear. This is t he point when you m ust use t he ant idot e t o fear: you m ust m ake a
decision t o have fait h, knowing you've done all you can t o prepare for what ever you're fearing, and
t hat m ost fears in life rarely com e t o fruit ion. I f t hey do, you m ay experience . . .
3 . H URT. I f t here's any one em ot ion t hat seem s t o dom inat e hum an relat ionships, bot h personal and
professional, it 's t he em ot ion of hurt . Fe e lin gs of h u r t a r e u sua lly ge n e r a t e d by a se nse of loss.
When people are hurt , t hey oft en lash out at ot hers. We need t o hear t he real m essage hurt gives us.
Th e M e ssa ge :
Th e m e ssa ge t h e h u r t sign a l give s u s is t h a t w e h a ve a n e x pe ct a t ion t h a t h a s n ot be e n m e t .
Many t im es t his feeling arises when we've expect ed som ebody t o keep t heir word and t hey didn't
( even if you didn't t ell t hem your expect at ion t hat , for exam ple, t hey not share wit h som eone else
what you t alked wit h t hem about ) . I n t his case, you feel a loss of int im acy wit h t his person, m aybe a
loss of t rust . That sense of loss is what creat es t he feeling of hurt .
Th e Solu t ion :
1 ) Re a lize t h a t in r e a lit y you m a y n ot h a ve lost a n yt h in g. M a ybe w h a t you n e e d t o lose is t h e
fa lse pe r ce pt ion t hat t his person is t rying t o wound or hurt you. Maybe t hey really don't realize t he
im pact of t heir act ions on your life.
2) Secondly, t ake a m om ent and reevaluat e t he sit uat ion. Ask you r se lf, " I s t h e r e r e a lly loss h e r e ?
Or a m I j u dgin g t h is sit u a t ion t oo soon , or t oo h a r sh ly?"
3 ) A t h ir d solu t ion t h a t ca n h e lp you ge t ou t of a se n se of h u r t is t o e le ga n t ly a n d
a ppr opr ia t e ly com m u n ica t e you r fe e lin g of loss t o t h e pe r son in volve d. Tell t hem , "The ot her
day when X- Y- Z happened, I m isint erpret ed t hat t o m ean t hat you didn't care, and I have a sense of
loss. Can you clarify for m e what really happened?" Sim ply by changing your com m unicat ion st yle and
clarifying what 's really going on, you will oft en find t hat hurt disappear s in a m at t er of m om ent s.
However, if hurt is not dealt wit h, it oft en becom es am plified and t urns int o . . .
4 . AN GER. Angry em ot ions include everyt hing from being m ildly irrit at ed t o being angry, resent ful,
furious, or even enraged.
Th e M e ssa ge :
The m essage of anger is t hat an im port ant rule or st andard t hat you hold for your life has been
violat ed by som eone else, or m aybe even by you. ( We'll t alk m ore about t his in Chapt er 16 on rules.)
When you get t he m essage of anger, you need t o underst and t hat you can lit erally change t his
em ot ion in a m om ent .
Th e Solu t ion :
1) Realize t hat you m ay have m isint erpret ed t he sit uat ion com plet ely, t hat your anger about t his
person br eak ing your rules m ay be based on t he fact t hat t hey don't know what 's m ost im port ant t o
you ( even t hough you believe t hey should) .
2) Realize t hat even if a person did violat e one of your st andards, your rules are not necessarily t he
" right " rules, even t hough you feel as st rongly as you do about t hem .
3) Ask yourself a m ore em powering quest ion like " I n t he long run, is it t rue t hat t his person really
cares about m e?" I nt errupt t he anger by asking yourself, " What can I learn from t his? How can I
com m unicat e t he im port ance of t hese st andards I hold for m yself t o t his person in a way t hat causes
t hem t o want t o help m e, and not violat e m y st andards again in t he fut ure?"
For exam ple, if you're angry, change your percept ion—m aybe t his person really didn't know your rules.
Or change your procedur e—m aybe you didn't effect ively com m unicat e your real needs. Or change your
behavior—t ell people up front , for exam ple, " Hey, t his is privat e. Please prom ise m e you won't share
t his wit h anybody; it 's really im port ant t o m e." For m any people, consist ent anger, or t he failure t o be
able t o m eet t heir own st andards and rules, leads t o ...
5 . FRUSTRATI ON . Frust rat ion can com e from m any avenues. Any t im e we feel like we're surrounded
by roadblocks in our lives, where we are cont inuously put t ing out effort but not receiving rewards, we
t end t o feel t he em ot ion of frust rat ion.
Th e M e ssa ge :
\
The m essage of frust rat ion is an excit ing signal. I t m eans t hat your brain believes you could be doing
bet t er t han you current ly are. Frust rat ion is very different from disappoint m ent , which is t he feeling
t hat t here's som et hing you want in your life but you'll never get it . By cont rast , frust rat ion is a very
posit ive sign. I t m eans t hat t he solut ion t o your problem is wit hin range, but what you're current ly
doing isn't working, and you need t o change your approach in order t o achieve your goal. I t 's a signal
for you t o becom e m ore flexible! How do you deal wit h frust rat ion?
Th e Solu t ion :
1) Realize t hat frust rat ion is your friend, and brainst orm new ways t o get a result . How can you flex
your approach?
2) Get som e input on how t o deal wit h t he sit uat ion. Find a role m odel, som eone who has found a way
t o get what you want . Ask t hem for input on how you m ight m ore effect ively produce your desired
result .
3) Get fascinat ed by what you can learn t hat could help you handle t his challenge not only t oday, but
in t he fut ure, in a way t hat consum es very lit t le t im e or energy and act ually creat es j oy. Much m ore
devast at ing t han frust rat ion, however, is t he em ot ion of...
6 . D I SAPPOI N TM EN T. Disappoint m ent can be a very dest ruct ive em ot ion if you don't deal wit h it
quickly. Disappoint m ent is t he devast at ing feeling of being " let down" or t hat you're going t o m iss out
on som et hing forever. Anyt hing t hat m akes you feel sad or defeat ed as a result of expect ing m ore
t han you get is disappoint ing.
Th e M e ssa ge :
The m essage disappoint m ent offers you is t hat an expect at ion you have had—a goal you were really
going for—is probably not going t o happen, so it 's t im e t o change your expect at ions t o m ake t hem
m ore appropriat e for t his sit uat ion and t ake act ion t o set and achieve a new goal im m ediat ely. And
t hat is t he solut ion.
Th e Solu t ion :
1) I m m ediat ely figure out som et hing you can learn from t his sit uat ion t hat could help you in t he fut ure
t o achieve t he very t hing you were aft er in t he first place.
2) Set a new goal, som et hing t hat will be even m ore inspiring, and som et hing you can m ake
im m ediat e progress t owar d.
3) Realize t hat you m ay be j udging t oo soon. Oft en t he t hings you're disappoint ed about are only
t em porary challenges, very m uch like in t he st ory of Billy Joel in Chapt er 2. As I 've said, you and I
need t o rem em ber t hat God's delays are not God's denials. You m ay j ust be in what I call " lag t im e."
People oft en set t hem selves up for disappoint m ent by having com plet ely unrealist ic expect at ions. I f
you go out t oday and plant a seed, you can't go back t om orrow and expect t o see a t ree.
4) A fourt h m aj or solut ion t o dealing wit h disappoint m ent is t o realize t hat a sit uat ion isn't over yet ,
and develop m ore pat ience. Com plet ely reevaluat e what you t ruly want , and begin t o dev elop an even
m ore effect ive plan for achieving it .
5) The m ost powerful ant idot e t o t he em ot ion of disappoint m ent is cult ivat ing an at t it ude of posit ive
expect ancy about what will happen in t he fut ure, regardless of what has occurred in t he past . The
ult im at e disappoint m ent t hat we can experience is usually expressed as t he em ot ion of...
7 . GUI LT. The em ot ions of guilt , regret , and rem orse are am ong t he em ot ions hum an beings do m ost
t o avoid in life, and t his is valuable. They are painful em ot ions for us t o experience, but t hey, t oo,
serve a valuable funct ion, one which becom es appar ent once we hear t he m essage.
Th e M e ssa ge :
Guilt t ells you t hat you have violat ed one of your own highest st andards, and t hat you m ust do
som et hing im m ediat ely t o ensure t hat you're not going t o violat e t hat st andard again in t he fut ure. I f
you recall, in Chapt er 6 I said t hat leverage is accessed when som eone begins t o link pain t o
som et hing. Wit h enough pain linked t o a behavior, t hat person will event ually change it , and t he
st rongest leverage is t he pain we can give ourselves. Guilt is t he ult im at e leverage for m any people in
changing a behavior. However, som e people t ry t o deal wit h t heir guilt by denying and suppressing it .
Unfort unat ely, t his rarely works. Guilt does not go away; it only com es back st ronger.
The ot her ext rem e is t o surrender t o and wallow in guilt , where we begin t o j ust accept t he pain and
experience learned helplessness. This is not t he purpose of guilt . I t 's designed, again, t o drive us t o
act ion t o creat e a change. People t ail t o underst and t his and oft en feel so rem orseful about som et hing
t hey once did t hat t hey allow t hem selves t o feel inferior for t he rest of t heir lives! That is not t he
m essage of guilt . I t 's t here t o m ake sure you eit her avoid behaviors out of your cert aint y t hat t hey'll
lead t o guilt , or, if you've already violat ed your st andard, it 's t here t o induce enough pain wit hin you t o
get yourself t o recom m it t o a higher st andard once again. Once you address your old behavior t hat
you feel guilt y about , t hough, and you're sincere and consist ent , t hen m ove on.
Th e Solu t ion :
1) Acknowledge t hat you have, in fact , violat ed a crit ical st andard you hold for yourself.
2) Absolut ely com m it yourself t o m aking sure t his behavior will never happen again in t he fut ure.
Rehearse in your m ind how, if you could live it again, you could deal wit h t he sam e sit uat ion you feel
guilt y about in a way t hat is consist ent wit h your own highest personal st andards. As you com m it
beyond a shadow of a doubt t hat you'll never allow t he behavior t o occur again, you have t he right t o
let go of t he guilt . Guilt has t hen served it s purpose t o drive you t o hold a higher st andar d in t he fut ure.
Ut ilize it ; don't wallow in it ! Som e people m anage t o beat t hem selves up m ent ally and em ot ionally
because t hey are const ant ly failing t o m eet st andar ds t hat t hey hold for t hem selves in virt ually every
area of life. As a result , m ost of t hese people experience a feeling of...
8 . I N AD EQUACY. This feeling of unwort hiness occurs anyt im e we feel we can't do som et hing we
should be able t o do. The challenge, of course, is t hat oft en we have a com plet ely unfair rule for
det erm ining whet her we'r e inadequat e or not . First , underst and t he m essage inadequacy is
giving you.
Th e M e ssa ge :
The m essage is t hat you don't present ly have a level of skill necessary for t he t ask at hand. I t 's t elling
you t hat you need m ore inform at ion, underst anding, st rat egies, t ools or confidence.
Th e Solu t ion :
1) Sim ply ask yourself, " I s t his really an appropriat e em ot ion for m e t o feel in t his sit uat ion? Am I
really inadequat e, or do I have t o change t he way I 'm perceiving t hings?" Maybe you've convinced
yourself t hat in order t o feel adequat e, you have t o go out on t he dance floor and out do Michael
Jackson. This is probably an inappropriat e percept ion.
I f your feeling is j ust ified, t he m essage of inadequacy is t hat you need t o find a way t o do som et hing
bet t er t han you've done it before. The solut ion in t his case is also obvious:
2) Whenever you feel inadequat e, appreciat e t he encouragem ent t o im prove. Rem ind yourself t hat
you're not " perfect ," and t hat you don't need t o be. Wit h t his realizat ion, you can begin t o feel
adequat e t he m om ent you decide t o com m it yourself t o CANI ! ™—const ant and never- ending
im provem ent in t his area.
3) Find a role m odel—som eone who's effect ive in t he area in which you feel inadequat e—and get som e
coaching from t hem . Just t he process of deciding t o m ast er t his area of your life and m aking even t he
sm allest am ount of progress will t urn a person who's inadequat e int o a person w ho's learning. This
em ot ion is crit ical, because when som eone feels inadequat e, t hey t end t o t all int o t he t rap of learned
helplessness, and t hey begin t o see t he problem as being a per m anent one wit h t hem selves. There's
no great er lie you could t ell yourself. You're not inadequat e. You m ay be unt rained or unskilled in a
part icular area, but you're not inadequat e. The capabilit y for great ness in anyt hing is wit hin you even
now.
When we begin t o feel t hat problem s are perm anent or pervasive orwe have m ore t hings t o deal wit h
t han we can possibly im agine, we t end t o succum b t o t he em ot ions of ...
9 . OVERLOAD OR OVERW H EI M . Grief, depression, and helplessness are m erely expressions of
feeling overloaded or over whelm ed. Grief happens w hen you feel like t here is no em powering m eaning
for som et hing t hat has happened, or t hat your life is being negat ively im pact ed by people, event s, or
forces t hat ar e out side your cont rol. People in t his st at e becom e overwhelm ed and oft en begin t o feel
t hat not hing can change t he sit uat ion, t hat t he problem is t oo big—it 's perm anent , pervasive, and
personal. People go int o t hese em ot ional st at es w henever t hey per ceive t heir world in a way t hat
m akes t hem feel like t here's m ore going on t han t hey can possibly deal wit h, i.e., t he pace, am ount , or
int ensit y of sensat ions seem s overwhelm ing.
Th e M e ssa ge :
The m essage of being overwhelm ed is t hat you need t o reevaluat e what 's m ost im port ant t o you in
t his sit uat ion. The reason you're overloaded is t hat you're t rying t o deal wit h t oo m any t hings at once,
and you're t r ying t o change everyt hing overnight . The feeling of being overloaded or overwhelm ed
disrupt s and dest roys m or e people's lives t han j ust about any ot her em ot ion.
Th e Solu t ion :
1) Decide, out of all t he t hings you're dealing wit h in your life, what t he absolut e, m ost im port ant t hing
is for you t o focus on.
2) Now writ e down all t he t hings t hat are m ost im port ant for you t o accom plish and put t hem in an
order of priorit y. Just put t ing t hem dow n on paper will allow you t o begin t o feel a sense of cont rol
over what 's going on.
3) Tackle t he first t hing on your list , and cont inue t o t ake act ion unt il you've m ast ered it . As soon as
you've m ast ered one par t icular area, you'll begin t o develop m om ent um . Your brain will begin t o
realize t hat you are in cont rol and you are not overloaded, overw helm ed, or depressed, t hat t he
problem is not perm anent , and t hat you can always com e up wit h a solut ion.
4) When you feel t hat it 's appropriat e t o st art let t ing go of an overwhelm ing em ot ion like grief, st art
focusing on what you can cont rol and realize t hat t here m ust be som e em pow ering m eaning t o it all,
even t hough you can't com prehend it yet . Our self- est eem is oft en t ied t o our abilit y t o cont rol our
environm ent s. When we creat e an environm ent inside our m inds t hat has t oo m any int ense and
sim ult aneous dem ands upon us, of course we'll feel overloaded. But we also have t he power t o change
t his by focusing on what we can cont rol and dealing wit h it a st ep at a t im e. Probably t he em ot ion t hat
m ost people fear t he m ost , however, is t hat feeling of disconnect ion, also known as ...
1 0 . LON ELI N ESS. Anyt hing t hat m akes us feel alone, apart , or separat e from ot hers belongs in t his
cat egory. Have you ever felt really lonely? I don't t hink t here's anybody alive who hasn't .
Th e M e ssa ge :
The m essage of loneliness is t hat you need a connect ion wit h people. But what does t he m essage
m ean? People oft en assum e it m eans a sexual connect ion, or inst ant int im acy. Then t hey feel
frust rat ed, because even when t hey do have int im acy, t hey st ill feel lonely.
Th e Solu t ion :
1) The solut ion t o loneliness is t o realize t hat you can reach out and m ake a connect ion im m ediat ely
and end t he loneliness. There are caring people everywhere.
2) I de n t ify w h a t k in d of con n e ct ion you do n e e d. D o you n e e d a n in t im a t e con n e ct ion ? Maybe
you j ust need som e basic friendship, or som eone t o list en t o you or t o laugh or t alk wit h. You sim ply
have t o ident ify what your t rue needs are.
3) Rem ind yourself t hat what 's great about being lonely is t hat it m eans, " I really care about people,
and I love t o be wit h t hem . I need t o find out what kind of connect ion I need wit h som ebody right now,
and t hen t ak e an act ion im m ediat ely t o m ake t hat happen."
4) Then, t ake im m ediat e act ion t o reach out and connect wit h som eone.
So t here's your list of t he t en Act ion Signals. As you can see, every one of t hese em ot ions is offering
you em powering m essages and a call t o change eit her your false and disem powering percept ions or
your inappropriat e procedures, t hat is, your com m unicat ion st yle or act ions. To fully ut ilize t his list ,
rem em ber t o review it several t im es, and wit h each repet it ion, look for and underline t he posit ive
m essages t hat each signal is giving you, as well as t he solut ions you can use in t he fut ure. Alm ost all
" negat ive" em ot ions have t heir basis in t hese t en cat egories or are som e hybrid of t hem . But you can
deal wit h any em ot ion in t he way we discussed earlier: by going t hrough t he six st eps, get t ing curious,
and discovering t he em powering m eaning it 's offering you.
" We m ust cult ivat e our garden."
VOLTAI RE
Think of your m ind, your em ot ions, and your spirit as t he ult im at e garden. The way t o ensure a
bount iful, nourishing harvest is t o plant seeds like love, warm t h, and appr eciat ion, inst ead of seeds like
disappoint m ent , anger, and fear. Begin t o t hink of t hose Act ion Signals as weeds in your garden. A
weed is a call t o act ion, isn't it ? I t says, " You've got t o do som et hing; you've got t o pull t his out t o
m ake room for bet t er, healt hier plant s t o grow." Keep cult ivat ing t he kinds of plant s you want , and
pull t he weeds as soon as you not ice t hem .
Let m e offer you t en em ot ional seeds you can plant in your garden. I f you nurt ure t hese seeds by
focusing on feeling what you want t o feel every day, you will hold yourself t o a st andard of great ness.
These seeds creat e a life t hat flourishes and fulfills its highest pot ent ial. Let 's explore t hem briefly now,
and realize t hat each of t hese em ot ions represent s an ant idot e t o any of t he " negat ive" em ot ions you
m ay have been feeling previously.
TH E TEN EM OTI ON S OF POW ER
1 . LOVE AN D W ARM TH . The consist ent expression of love seem s t o be able t o m elt alm ost any
negat ive em ot ions it com es in cont act wit h. I f som eone is angry wit h you, you can easily rem ain loving
wit h t hem by adopt ing a core belief such as t his m arvelous one from t he book A Course in Miracles: a ll
com m u n ica t ion is e it h e r a lovin g r e spon se or a cr y for h e lp. I f som eone com es t o you in a st at e
of hurt or anger, and you consist ent ly respond t o t hem wit h love and warm t h, event ually t heir st at e
will change and t heir int ensit y will m elt away.
" I f you could only love enough, you could be t he m ost powerful person in t he world."
EMMET FOX
2 . APPRECI ATI ON AN D GRATI TUD E. I believe t hat all of t he m ost powerful em ot ions are som e
expression of love, each direct ed in different ways. For m e, appreciat ion and grat it ude are t wo of t he
m ost spirit ual em ot ions, act ively expressing t hrough t hought and act ion m y appreciat ion and love for
all t he gift s t hat life has given m e, t hat people have given m e, t hat experience has given m e. Living in
t his em ot ional st at e will enhance your life m ore t han alm ost anyt hing I know of. Cult ivat ing t his is
cult ivat ing life. Live wit h an at t it ude of grat it ude.
3 . CURI OSI TY. I f you really want t o grow in your life, learn t o be as curious as a child. Children know
how t o wonder—t hat 's why t hey're so endearing 73 . I f you want t o cure boredom , be curious. I f you're
curious, not hing is a chore 74 ; it 's aut om at ic—you want t o st udy. Cult ivat e curiosit y, and life becom es
an unending st udy of j oy.
4 . EXCI TEM EN T AN D PASSI ON . Excit em ent and passion can add j uice t o anyt hing. Passion can t urn
any challenge int o a t rem endous opport unit y. Passion is unbridled power t o m ove our lives forward at
a fast er t em po t han ever before. To paraphrase Benj am in Disraeli, m an is only t ruly great when he
act s from t he passions. How do we " get " passion? The sam e way we " get " love, warm t h, appreciat ion,
grat efulness, and curiosit y—we decide t o feel it ! Use your physiology: speak m ore rapidly, visualize
im ages m ore rapidly, m ove your body in t he direct ion you want t o go. Don't j ust casually sit and t hink.
You can't be filled wit h passion if you're slum ping over your desk, breat hing shallowly, and slurring
your speech.
5 . D ETERM I N ATI ON . All of t he above em ot ions are invaluable, but t here is one t hat you m ust have if
you're going t o creat e last ing value in t his world. I t will dict at e how you deal wit h upset s and
challenges, wit h disappoint m ent and disillusionm ent s. Det erm inat ion m eans t he difference bet ween
being st uck and being st ruck wit h t he light ning power of com m it m ent . I f you want t o get yourself t o
lose weight , m ake t hose business calls, or follow t hrough on anyt hing, " pushing" yourself won't do it .
Put t ing yourself in a st at e of det erm inat ion will. All your act ions will spring from t hat source, and you'll
j ust aut om at ically do what ever it t akes t o accom plish your aim . Act ing wit h det erm inat ion m eans
m aking a congruent , com m it t ed decision where you've cut off any ot her possibilit y.
" Det erm inat ion is t he wake- up call t o t he hum an will."
ANTHONY ROBBI NS
Wit h det erm inat ion, you can accom plish anyt hing. Wit hout it , you're doom ed t o frust rat ion and
disappoint m ent . Ou r w illin gn e ss t o do w h a t e ve r it t a k e s, t o a ct in spit e of fe a r , is t h e ba sis of
cou r a ge . And courage is t he foundat ion from which det erm inat ion is born. The difference bet ween
feeling accom plishm ent 75 or feeling despondency is t he cult ivat ion of t he em ot ional m uscle of
det erm inat ion. Wit h all t hat det erm inat ion at your com m and, t hough, be sure you can also break your
73
e n de a r in g gewinnend; liebensw ert
chor e Am . schwier ige oder unangenehm e Aufgabe; ch or e s Hausarbeit
75
a ccom plish m e n t Fähigkeit , Talent
74
own pat t ern and change your approach. Why sm ash t hrough a wall if you can j ust look a lit t le t o your
left and find a door? Som et im es det erm inat ion can be a lim it at ion; you need t o cult ivat e . . .
6 . FLEXI BI LI TY. I f t here's one seed t o plant t hat will guarant ee success, it 's t he abilit y t o change
your approach. I n fact , all t hose Act ion Signals—t hose t hings you used t o call negat ive em ot ions—are
j ust m essages t o be m ore flexible! Choosing t o be flexible is choosing t o be happy. Throughout your
life t here will be t im es when t here are t hings you will not be able t o cont rol, and your abilit y t o be
flexible in your rules, t he m eaning you at t ach t o t hings, and your act ions will det erm ine your long- t erm
success or failure, not t o m ent ion your level of personal j oy. The reed t hat bends will survive t he
windst orm , while t he m ight y oak t ree will crack. I f you cult ivat e all of t he above em ot ions, t hen you'll
surely develop . ..
7 . CON FI D EN CE. Unshakable confidence is t he sense of cert aint y we all want . The only way you can
consist ent ly experience confidence, even in environm ent s and sit uat ions you've never previously
encount ered, is t hrough t he power of fait h. I m agine and feel cert ain about t he em ot ions you deserve
t o have now, rat her t han wait for t hem t o spont aneously appear som eday in t he far dist ant fut ure.
When you're confident , you're willing t o experim ent , t o put yourself on t he line. One way t o develop
fait h and confidence is sim ply t o pract ice using it . I f I were t o ask whet her you're confident t hat you
can t ie your own shoes, I 'm sure you could t ell m e wit h perfect confidence t hat you can. Why? Only
because you've done it t housands of t im es! So pract ice confidence by using it consist ent ly, and you'll
be am azed at t he dividends it reaps in every area of your life.
I n order t o get yourself t o do anyt hing, it 's im perat ive t o exercise confidence rat her t han fear. The
t ragedy of m any people's lives is t hat t hey avoid doing t hings because t hey're afraid; t hey even feel
bad about t hings in advance. But rem em ber: t he source of success for out st anding achievers oft en
finds it s origin in a set of nurt ured beliefs for which t hat individual had no references! The abilit y t o act
on fait h is what m oves t he hum an race forward. Anot her em ot ion you'll aut om at ically experience once
you've succeeded in cult ivat ing all t he above is ...
8 . CH EERFULN ESS. When I added cheerfulness t o m y list of m ost im port ant values, people
com m ent ed, " There's som et hing different about you. You seem so happy." I realized t hat I had been
happy, but I hadn't t old m y face about it ! There's a big difference bet ween being happy on t he inside,
and being out wardly cheerful. Cheerfulness enhances your self- est eem , m ak es life m ore fun, and
m akes t he people around you feel happier as well. Cheerfulness has t he power t o elim inat e t he
feelings of fear, hurt , anger, frust rat ion, disappoint m ent , depression, guilt , and inadequacy from your
life. You've achieved cheerfulness t he day you realize t hat no m at t er what 's happening ar ound you,
being anyt hing ot her t han cheerful will not m ake it bet t er.
Being cheerful does not m ean t hat you're Pollyanna or t hat you look at t he world t hrough rose- colored
glasses and r efuse t o acknowledge challenges. Being cheerful m eans you're incredibly int elligent
because you know t hat if you live life in a st at e of pleasure—one t hat 's so int ense t hat you t ransm it a
sense of j oy t o t hose around you—you can have t he im pact t o m eet virt ually any challenge t hat com es
your way. Cult ivat e cheerfulness, and you won't need so m any of t hose " painful" Act ion Signals t o get
your at t ent ion! Make it easy for yourself t o feel cheerful by plant ing t he seed of...
9 . VI TALI TY. Handling t his area is crit ical. I f you don't t ake care of your physical body, it 's m ore
difficult t o be able t o enj oy t hese em ot ions. Make sure t hat physical vit alit y is available; rem em ber
t hat all em ot ions are direct ed t hrough your body. I f you're feeling out of sort s em ot ionally, you need t o
look at t he basics. How are you breat hing? When people are st ressed, t hey st op breat hing, sapping
t heir vit alit y. Learning t o breat he properly is t he m ost im port ant avenue t oward good healt h. Anot her
crit ical elem ent t o physical vit alit y is ensuring t hat you have an abundant level of nerve energy.
How do you do t his? Realize t hat day t o day you're expending nerve energy t hrough your act ions, and
as obvious as it sounds, you do need t o m ake sure t hat you rest and recharge. By t he way, how m uch
sleep are you get t ing? I f you're regularly logging eight t o t en hours of sack t im e, you're pr obably
get t ing t oo m uch sleep! Six t o seven hours has been found t o be opt im um for m ost people. Cont rary t o
popular belief, sit t ing st ill doesn't preserve energy. The t rut h is, t hat 's usually when you feel m ost t ired.
The hum an nervous syst em needs t o m ove t o have energy. To a cert ain ext ent , expending energy
gives you a great er sense of energy. As you m ove, oxygen flows t hrough your syst em , and t hat
physical level of healt h creat es t he em ot ional sense of vit alit y t hat can help you t o deal wit h virt ually
any negat ive challenge you could have in your life, So realize t hat a sense of vit alit y is a crit ical
em ot ion t o cult ivat e in order t o handle virt ually any em ot ions t hat com e up in your life, not
t o m ent ion t he crit ical resource in experiencing consist ent passion. Once your garden is filled wit h
t hese powerful em ot ions, t hen you can share your bount y t hrough . . .
1 0 . CON TRI BUTI ON . Years ago, I rem em ber being in one of t he t oughest t im es in m y life, driving
down t he freeway in t he m iddle of t he night . I kept asking, " What do I need t o do t o t urn m y life
around?" Suddenly an insight cam e t o m e, accom panied by such int ense em ot ion t hat I was com pelled
t o pull m y car off t he road im m ediat ely and writ e down one key phrase in m y j ournal: " Th e se cr e t t o
livin g is givin g."
There's no richer em ot ion I know of in life t han t he sense t hat w ho you are as a person, som et hing
you've said or done, has added t o m ore t han j ust your own life, t hat som ehow it has enhanced life's
experience for som eone you care about , or m aybe som eone you don't even k now. The st ories t hat
m ove m e m ost profoundly are about people who follow t he highest spirit ual em ot ion of caring
uncondit ionally and act ing for ot hers' benefit . When I saw t he m usical Les Miserables, I was deeply
m oved by t he charact er of Jean Valj ean, because he was such a good m an who want ed t o give so
m uch t o ot hers. Each day we should cult ivat e t hat sense of cont r ibut ion by focusing not only on
ourselves, but on ot hers as well.
Don't fall int o t he t rap, t hough, of t rying t o cont ribut e t o ot hers at your own expense—pla yin g t h e
m a r t yr w on't give you a t r u e se n se of con t r ibu t ion . But if you can consist ent ly give t o yourself
and ot hers on a m easurable scale t hat allows you t o know t hat your life has m at t ered, you'll have a
sense of connect ion wit h people and a sense of pride and self- est eem t hat no am ount of m oney,
accom plishm ent s, fam e, or acknowledgm ent could ever give. A sense of cont r ibut ion m akes all of life
wort hwhile. I m agine what a bet t er world it would be if all of us cult ivat ed a sense of cont ribut ion!
TH E TEN ACTI ON SI GN ALS
1. DI SCOMFORT
2. FEAR
3. HURT
4. ANGER
5. FRUSTRATI ON
6. DI SAPPOI NTMENT
7. GUI LT
8. I NADEQUACY
9. OVERLOAD, OVERWHELM
10. LONELI NESS
TH E TEN EM OTI ON S OF POW ER
1. LOVE AND WARMTH
2. APPRECI ATI ON AND GRATI TUDE
3. CURI OSI TY
4. EXCI TEMENT AND PASSI ON
5. DETERMI NATI ON
6. FLEXI BI UTY
7. CONFI DENCE
8. CHEERFULNESS
9. VI TALI TY
10. CONTRI BUTI ON
Pla n t t h e se e m ot ion s da ily, and wat ch your whole life grow wit h a vit alit y t hat you've never
dream ed of before. Here, for review, are t he t en Act ion Signals and t he t en Em ot ions of Power. I
cannot em phasize st rongly enough t he im port ance of learning t o use t he negat ive em ot ions for what
t hey are—calls t o act ion—and com m it t ing t o cult ivat e t he posit ive em ot ions. Do you rem em ber t he 3"
x 5" card you creat ed on which you wrot e down all t he m essages and solut ions your Act ion Signals are
giving you? Review it frequent ly t hroughout t he day. As you view it even now, you m ay not ice t hat t he
posit ive em ot ions we've j ust covered ar e great ant idot es t o t he Act ion Signals. I n ot her words, if
you're feeling uncom fort able em ot ion, t hen love and warm t h will m ake changing t hat em ot ion m uch
sim pler. I f you're feeling fearful, t hen a sense of grat it ude wipes t hat em ot ion out . I f you're feeling
hurt and t hen get curious about what 's going on, t hat replaces t he sense of hurt . I f you're feeling
angry and you t urn t hat em ot ional int ensit y int o direct ed excit em ent and passion, t hink of what you
can accom plish! Frust rat ion can be broken t hrough wit h t he use of det erm inat ion. Disappoint m ent can
be dissolved by being flexible in your approach. Guilt disappears t he m inut e you becom e confident t hat
you're going t o st ick t o your new st andards. I nadequacy depart s when you're feeling cheerful; t here's
sim ply no room for it . A sense of overload disappears wit h a sense of personal power and vit alit y.
Loneliness m elt s away t he m om ent you figure out how t o cont ribut e t o ot hers.
I 'd now like you t o do an assignm ent t hat will fully associat e you t o t he sim ple and powerful t ool of
em ot ions.
1) Over t he next t wo days, a n y t im e you fe e l a dise m pow e r in g or n e ga t ive e m ot ion , follow t h e
six st e ps t o e m ot ion a l m a st e r y. I dent ify what cat egory it belongs in, and recognize it s value in
giving you t he m essage t hat you need. Discover whet her what needs t o be changed ar e your
percept ions or your act ions. Get confident , get cert ain, and get excit ed.
2) Act ion Signals serve an im port ant funct ion, but if you didn't have t o feel t hem as oft en, wouldn't
t hat be pr eferable? I n addit ion t o t he Em ot ions of Power, cu lt iva t e globa l be lie fs t h a t h e lp
m in im ize you r e x pe r ie nce of t h e n e ga t ive e m ot ion s. For exam ple, I 've elim inat ed t he feeling of
abandonm ent ( loneliness) from m y life because I 've adopt ed t he belief t hat I can never really be
abandoned. I f som eone I love ever t ried t o " abandon" m e, I 'd j ust follow t hem ! ( Ot her em powering
beliefs include, " This, t oo, shall pass" ; " Love is t he only m ust in m y life; everyt hing else is a should" ;
and " There's always a way, if I 'm com m it t ed." )
Ut ilize t hese Em ot ions of Power daily, and use t he six st eps t o em ot ional m ast ery t o t ransform your
Act ion Signals int o posit ive act ion. Rem em ber: Every feeling t hat you have—good or bad—is based on
your int erpret at ion of what t hings m ean. Whenever you st art t o feel bad, ask yourself t his quest ion:
" What else could t his m ean?" I t 's t he first st ep t oward t aking cont rol of your em ot ions.
What I hope you'll t ake from t his chapt er is an appreciat ion of all your em ot ions and a sense of
excit em ent t hat t hey're all providing you wit h a chance t o learn som et hing t o m ake your life bet t er,
lit erally at a m om ent 's not ice. Never again do you need t o feel t hat painful em ot ions are your enem ies.
They're all here t o serve y ou as a signal t hat som e kind of change is needed. As you refine your abilit y
t o use t hese Act ion Signals, you'll st art handling t hem up front , when t hey are sm all, rat her t han
wait ing unt il t hey t urn int o full- blown crises. For inst ance, you'll handle a sit uat ion while it 's st ill
annoying, not infuriat ing—like handling a weight problem when you not ice t he first ext ra pound rat her
t han wait ing unt il you've added anot her t hirt y.
Over t he next couple of weeks, focus on enj oying t he process of learning from all of your em ot ions.
You can experience t he whole kaleidoscope at any m om ent you choose. Don't be afraid—ride t he roller
coast er! Experience t he j oy, passion, and t hrill of all t he em ot ions, and know t hat you're in cont rol! I t 's
your life, your em ot ions, your dest iny. One t hing I have found is t hat alt hough som eone m ay know
how t o do som et hing, t hey m ight st ill not apply what t hey know. What we really need is a reason t o
use t he power of our decisions, t o change our beliefs, t o get leverage on our selves and int errupt our
pat t erns, t o ask bet t er quest ions and sensit ize ourselves t o our vocabulary and m et aphor s. I n
order t o be m ot ivat ed on a consist ent basis, we need t o develop .. .
12
THE
MAGNI FI CENT OBSESSI ON CREATI NG A COMPELLI NG FUTURE
" Not hing happens unless first a dream ."
CARL SANDBURG
Are you ready now t o have som e fun? Are you willing t o be like a kid again and let your im aginat ion
run wild? Are you com m it t ed t o grabbing hold of your life and squeezing from it all t he power, passion,
and " j uice" you know can be yours?
I 've t hrown a lot at you so far. We've covered a m onum ent al am ount of m at erial in t he previous
chapt ers, m ost of which you can put t o use im m ediat ely. Som e of it , however, will st ay t ucked away in
a com er of your brain, locked in deep st orage unt il j ust t he right m om ent . We've worked hard t oget her
t o get you in t he posit ion t o m ake new decisions, decisions t hat can m ake t he difference bet ween a
life of dream ing and a life of doing.
Many people in life know what t hey should do, but t hey never do it . The reason is t hat t hey're lacking
t he drive t hat only a com pelling fut ure can provide. This chapt er is your opport unit y t o let go and
dream at t he highest level, t o brainst orm out t he wildest possibilit ies and, in so doing, t o possibly
discover som et hing t hat will really push your life t o t he next level. I t will help you creat e energy and
m om ent um .
I f you read t his chapt er act ively inst ead of passively, if you do t he exercises and t ake act ion, t hen t he
following pages will reward you wit h a vision for your fut ure t hat will pull you like a m agnet t hrough
your t oughest t im es. I t 's a chapt er I 'm sure you'll love ret urning t o again and again anyt im e you need
renewed inspirat ion for your life. This is your chance t o really have som e fun and experience your t rue
passion!
What I 'm going t o ask you t o do in t he next few pages is t o unlock your im aginat ion, t hrow all
" com m on sense" t o t he wind, and act as if you're a kid again—a kid who can lit erally have anyt hing he
want s, a kid who has only t o express his heart 's desire, and it will inst ant ly be his. Do you rem em ber
t he Arabian t ales known collect ively as The Thousand and One Night s? Can you guess what m y favorit e
st ory was? That 's right : Aladdin's Lam p. I t hink all of us, at one t im e or anot her, have longed t o get
our hands on t hat m agic lam p. All you have t o do is rub it , and a m ight y genie appears in order t o
carry out your wishes. I 'm h e r e t o t e ll you t h a t you posse ss a la m p t h a t is n ot lim it e d t o a
m e r e t h r e e w ish e s!
Now it 's t im e for you t o grab hold of t his powerful force wit hin you. Once you decide t o awaken t his
giant , you'll be unst oppable in creat ing m ent al, em ot ional, physical, financial, and spirit ual abundance
beyond your wildest fant asies. Whet her your dream s m at erialize inst ant ly or t ake shape gr adually over
t im e, know t hat t he only lim it t o what you can have in your life is t he size of your im aginat ion and t he
level of your com m it m ent t o m aking it real.
GI AN T GOALS PROD UCE GI AN T M OTI VATI ON
So oft en I hear people say , " Tony, where do you get your energy? Wit h all t hat int ensit y, no wonder
you're so successful. I j ust don't have your drive; I guess I 'm not m ot ivat ed. I guess I 'm lazy." My
usual response is, " You're not lazy! You j ust have im pot ent goals! "
Frequent ly I get a confused look t o t his response, at which point I explain t hat m y level of excit em ent
and drive com es from m y goals. Every m orning when I wake up, even if I feel physically exhaust ed
from a lack of sleep, I 'll st ill find t he drive I need because m y goals are so excit ing t o m e. They get m e
up early, keep m e up lat e, and inspire m e t o m arshal m y resources and use everyt hing I can possibly
find wit hin t he spher e of m y influence t o bring t hem t o fruit ion. The sam e energy and sense of m ission
is available t o you now, but it will never be awakened by puny goals. The first st ep is t o develop bigger ,
m ore inspiring, m ore challenging goals.
Oft en people t ell m e, " My problem is t hat I really don't have any goals." This belief dem onst rat es t heir
lack of underst anding of how goals really work. The hum an m ind is always pursuing som et hing, if
not hing m ore t han t he abilit y t o reduce or elim inat e pain, or avoid anyt hing t hat could lead t o it . Our
brains also love t o guide us in pursuing anyt hing t hat can lead t o t he creat ion of pleasure. We all have
goals. The problem , as I 've st ressed in virt ually every chapt er so far, is t hat w e a r e u n con sciou s in
ou r u se of t h e se r e sou r ce s.
Most people's goals are t o " pay t heir lousy bills," t o get by, t o survive, t o m ake it t hrough t he day—in
short , t hey are caught up in t he t rap of m aking a living rat her t han de sign in g a life . Do you t hink
t hese goals will give you t he power t o t ap t he vast reserve of power wit hin you? Hardly! You and I
m ust rem em ber t hat our goals affect us, what ever t hey are. I f we don't consciously plant t he seeds we
want in t he gardens of our m inds, we'll end up wit h weeds! Weeds are aut om at ic; you don't have t o
work t o get t hem . I f we want t o discover t he unlim it ed possibilit ies wit hin us, we m ust find a goal big
enough and grand enough t o challenge us t o push beyond our lim it s and discover our t rue pot ent ial.
Rem em ber t hat your current condit ions do not reflect your ult im at e pot ent ial, but rat her t he size and
qualit y of goals upon which you current ly are focusing. We all m ust discover or creat e a Magnificent
Obsession.
GOALS TAKE YOU BEYON D YOUR LI M I TS TO A W ORLD OF UN LI M I TED POW ER
When we first set large goals, t hey m ay seem im possible t o achieve. But t he m ost im port ant key t o
goal set t ing is t o find a goal big enough t o inspire you, som et hing t hat will cause you t o unleash your
power. The way I usually know I 've set t he right goal is when it seem s im possible but at t he sam e t im e
it 's giving m e a sense of crazed excit em ent j ust t o t hink about t he possibilit y of achieving it . I n order
t o t ruly find t hat inspirat ion and achieve t hose im possible goals, we m ust suspend our belief syst em s
about what we're capable of achieving.
I 'll never forget t he t rue st ory of a young boy born int o povert y in a run- down sect ion of San Francisco
and how his goals seem ed im possible t o everyone except him . This young m an was a fan of foot ball
legend Jim Brown, t hen t he running back for t he Cleveland Browns. I n spit e76 of t he fact t hat t his boy
was crippled by ricket s77 he had endured as a result of m alnut rit ion, and at t he age of six his legs had
becom e per m anent ly bowed and his calves78 so at rophied t hat his nicknam e was " Pencil Legs," he set
a goal t o one day becom e a st ar running back like his hero. He had no m oney t o at t end foot ball gam es,
so whenever t he Browns played t he 49ers he would wait out side t he st adium unt il t he m aint enance
crew opened t he gat e lat e in t he fourt h quart er. He would t hen hobble int o t he st adium and soak up
t he balance of t he gam e.
Finally, at t he age of t hirt een, t he boy had an encount er he'd dream ed of his whole life. He walked int o
an ice cream parlor aft er a 49ers gam e against t he Browns, and whom should he see but his long- t im e
idol! He approached t he foot ball st ar and said, " Mr. Brown, I 'm your biggest fan! " Graciously, Brown
t hanked him . The young boy persist ed. " Mr. Brown, you know what ?" Brown t urned t o him again and
said, " What is it , son?" The young boy said, " I know every record you've ever set , every t ouchdown
you've ever scored! " Jim Brown sm iled and said, " That 's great ," and ret urned t o his conversat ion. The
young m an persist ed, " Mr. Brown! Mr. Brown! " Jim Brown t urned t o him yet again. This t im e t he
young m an st ared deep int o his eyes wit h a passion so int ense Brown could feel it and said, " Mr.
Brown, one day I 'm going t o break ever y one of your records! "
The foot ball legend sm iled and said, " That 's great , kid. What 's your nam e?" The boy grinned from ear
t o ear and said, " Orent hal, sir. Orent hal Jam es Sim pson ... My friends call m e O.J."
" We are what and where we are because we have first im agined it ."
DONALD CURTI S
O.J. Sim pson did indeed go on t o break all of Jim Brown's records, and set som e new ones of his own!
How do goals creat e t his incredible power t o shape dest iny? How can t hey t ake a young boy afflict ed
wit h ricket s and allow him t o becom e a legend? Se t t in g goa ls is t h e fir st st e p in t u r n in g t h e
in visible in t o t h e visible —t h e fou n da t ion for a ll su cce ss in life . I t 's as if infinit e I nt elligence will
fill any m old you creat e using t he im pression of your int ensely em ot ional t hought s. I n ot her words, you
can chisel your own exist ence by t he t hought s you consist ent ly proj ect every m om ent of your life. The
concept ion of your goals is t he m ast er plan t hat guides all t hought .
Will you creat e a m ast erpiece or int erpret life t hrough t he paint ings of ot hers? Will you put out a
t him ble t o collect your life's experiences or a giant rain barrel? The answers t o t hese quest ions have
already been given by t he goals you consist ent ly seek.
76
spit e Bosheit , Gehässigk eit ; out of oder from pur e spit e aus reiner Bosheit ; in spit e of t rot z; 2. j em anden
ärgern
77
r ick e t s MEDI ZI N Singular Rachit is
78
ca lf 1( Plural calv es ) Wade
TURN I N G TH E I N VI SI BLE I N TO TH E VI SI BLE
Look around yourself right now. What do you see? Are you sit t ing on a sofa, surrounded by fine art or
wat ching a big- screen t elevision em ploying t he lat est t echnology of laser disc? Or are you seat ed at a
desk t hat holds a t elephone, com put er, and fax m achine? All of t hese obj ect s were once j ust ideas in
som eone's m ind. I f I had t old you 100 years ago t hat invisible waves from around t he world could be
pulled from t he air and fed int o a box t o generat e sounds and pict ures, wouldn't you have considered
m e crazy? Yet t oday j ust about every hom e in Am erica has at least one t elevision set ( t he average is
t wo! ) . Som eone had t o cr eat e t hem , and in order for t hat t o happen, som e on e h a d t o e n vision
t h e m w it h cla r it y.
I s t his t rue only of m at erial obj ect s? No, it also applies t o all kinds of act ivit ies and processes: t he
reason a car works is t hat som e ent erprising individuals figured out how t o harness t he pr ocess of
int ernal com bust ion. The answer t o our current energy challenges will lie in t he im aginat ion and
resourcefulness of t oday's physicist s and engineers. And t he resolut ion t o our social crises, like t he
alarm ing spread of racial hat e groups, hom elessness, and hunger, can only be addr essed wit h t he
invent iveness and com passion of dedicat ed individuals like you and m e.
W H Y D OESN 'T EVERYON E SET GOALS?
You m ight be t hinking right now, " Well, t his all sounds so inspirat ional, but surely j ust set t ing a goal
doesn't m ake it happen." I couldn't agree wit h you m ore. All goa l se t t in g m u st be im m e dia t e ly
follow e d by bot h t h e de ve lopm e n t of a pla n , a nd m a ssive a n d con sist e n t a ct ion t ow a r d it s
fu lfillm e n t . You already have t his power t o act . I f you haven't been able t o sum m on it , it 's m erely
because you have failed t o set goals t hat inspire you.
What 's holding you back? Surely you've been exposed t o t he power of goal set t ing before reading t his
book. But do you have a list of clearly defined goals for t he result s you will absolut ely produce in your
life m ent ally, em ot ionally, physically, spirit ually, and financially? What has st opped you? For m any it 's
t he unconscious fear of disappoint m ent . Som e people have set goals in t he past and failed t o achieve
t hem and, as a result of t heir disappoint m ent and t heir t ear of fut ure pain, t hey st op set t ing goals.
They don't w ant t o have any expect at ions t hat could be dashed. Ot her people set goals, but abuse
t hem selves by t ying t heir ent ire level of personal happiness t o t heir abilit y t o achieve goals t hat m ay
be out side t heir cont rol. Or t hey lack t he flexibilit y t o not ice t hat as t hey m ove in t he direct ion of t heir
goals, t here are bet t er, m ore wort hy goals all around t hem .
The process of set t ing goals works a lot like your eyesight . The closer you get t o your dest inat ion, t he
great er clarit y you gain, not only on t he goal it self, but t he det ails of everyt hing around it . Who knows?
You m ay decide t hat you like one of t hose ot her possibilit ies even bet t er, t hat it inspires you even
ca lf 2( Plural calves ) Kalb
m ore, and go for t hat one inst ead! I n fact , som et im es, as we'll t alk about in m ore dept h lat er, failing
t o achieve your goal act ually draws you closer t o your life's t rue purpose.
The drive t o achieve and cont ribut e com es in m any form s. For som e people it 's spawned by
disappoint m ent or even t ragedy. For ot hers it 's fueled sim ply by t he st ark 79 realizat ion one day t hat life
is passing t hem by, t hat t he qualit y of t heir life is lessening wit h each passing m om ent . For som e,
inspirat ion is t he source of t heir m ot ivat ion. Seeing what 's possible, ant icipat ing t he best possible
scenario, or realizing t hat t hey're in fact m aking significant progress can help t hem t o develop
t rem endous m om ent um t o accom plish even m ore.
Oft en, we don't realize how far we've com e because we're so caught up in t he process of achieving. A
good m et aphor for t his is when a friend t ells you how m uch your son or daught er has grown, and you
say wit h honest surprise, " Really?" I t 's been happening right under your nose, so you've failed t o
not ice it . I t 's even t ougher t o see your own growt h, so I 'd like t o share wit h you a sim ple process.
Please t ake a m om ent t o do it right now. I t will assist you in t apping one or bot h of t he abovedescribed forces of m ot ivat ion.
YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW
Som et im es it 's easy t o lose t rack of j ust how far you've already com e—or j ust how far you st ill need t o
go in life. Use t he following pages t o m ake an accurat e assessm ent of where you st ood in t hese t en
crit ical areas five years ago. Specifically, next t o each of t hese cat egories, give yourself a score on a
scale from 0 t o 10, 0 m eaning you had not hing in t his area, and 10 m eaning you were absolut ely living
your life's desire in t hat cat egory.
The second st ep, aft er giving yourself a score, is t o writ e a sent ence next t o each cat egory t o describe
what you were like back t hen. For inst ance, five years ago, what were you like physically? You m ight
writ e down, "I was a 7," and t hen follow up wit h, " I was in fairly good shape, but definit ely needed
im provem ent . Five pounds overweight , was running t wice a week, but st ill didn't eat healt hfully.
Mediocre levels of energy."
Take five t o t en m inut es and do t his exercise now. You will find it quit e enlight ening!
79
st a r k 1. Adj ekt iv nackt ( Tat sachen und so weit er) ; ! ! nicht st ark; be in st ark cont rast t o in krassem Gegensat z
st ehen zu; 2. Adverb um gangssprachlich: st ark naked split t ernack t
Five Ye a r s Ago
Scor e
Se n t e n ce
Physically
_____
________________________________________
Ment ally
_____
________________________________________
Em ot ionally
_____
________________________________________
At t ract iveness
_____
________________________________________
Relat ionships
_____
________________________________________
Living environm ent
_____
________________________________________
Socially
_____
________________________________________
Spirit ually
_____
________________________________________
Career
_____
________________________________________
Financially
_____
________________________________________
Creat ing a Com pelling Fut ure
_____
________________________________________
Now, for cont rast 's sake, let 's see how far you've com e, or failed t o com e, in each of t hese cat egories.
Answer t he sam e quest ions based on t oday. I n ot her words, first give yourself a score of 1 t o 10 of
where you are t oday in each of t hese cat egories, and t hen writ e a sent ence or t wo
describing what you're like in each of t hese cat egories t oday.
Today
Score
Sent ence
Physically
_____
________________________________________
Ment ally
_____
________________________________________
Em ot ionally
_____
________________________________________
At t ract iveness
_____
________________________________________
Relat ionships
_____
________________________________________
Living environm ent
_____
________________________________________
Socially
_____
________________________________________
Spirit ually
_____
________________________________________
Career
_____
________________________________________
Financially
_____
________________________________________
Creat ing a Com pelling Fut ure
_____
________________________________________
What have you learned by doing t his so far? What dist inct ions have you m ade? Have you im proved
m ore t han you realized in som e cat egor ies? Have you com e a long way? That feels great , doesn't it ? I f
you haven't com e as far as you would have liked, or if you t hink t hat you were doing bet t er five years
ago t han you are now in som e areas, t hat 's a great m essage, t oo—one t hat m ay drive you t o m ake
changes before m any m ore years pass you by. Rem em ber, dissat isfact ion can be a m aj or key t o
success.
Take a m om ent now and j ot down a few key phrases describing what you've learned by t his
com parison:
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
Now com plet e t he exercise by proj ect ing five years int o t he fut ure. Again, give yourself a score and a
sent ence describing what you'll be like in each of t hese key cat egories.
Today
Score
Sent ence
Physically
_____
________________________________________
Ment ally
_____
________________________________________
Em ot ionally
_____
________________________________________
At t ract iveness
_____
________________________________________
Relat ionships
_____
________________________________________
Living environm ent
_____
________________________________________
Socially
_____
________________________________________
Spirit ually
_____
________________________________________
Career
_____
________________________________________
Financially
_____
________________________________________
Creat ing a Com pelling Fut ure
_____
________________________________________
TH E KEY TO ACH I EVI N G GOALS
W h e n you se t a goa l, you 've com m it t e d t o CAN I ! You've acknowledged t he need t hat all hum an
beings have for const ant , never- ending im provem ent . There is power in t he pressure of dissat isfact ion,
in t he t ension of t em porary discom fort . This is t he kind of pain you want in your life, t he kind of pain
t hat you im m ediat ely t ransform int o posit ive new act ions.
This kind of pressure is known as eust ress as opposed t o dist ress. Eust ress can be a driving, posit ive
force t hat pushes you forward t o const ant ly increase t he qualit y of your life for yourself and all t hose
you have t he privilege t o t ouch. Ponder it ; use it t o spur you forward. Many people t ry t o avoid
pressur e, yet t he absence of any t ension or pressure usually creat es a sense of boredom and t he
lacklust er 80 experience of life t hat so m any people com plain about . I n t rut h, when we feel excit ed, we
feel a sense of pressure or t ension wit hin ourselves. However, t he level of st ress is not overwhelm ing,
but rat her st im ulat ing.
There is a difference bet w een being st r essed out and being t he m ast er of st ress. Use st ress ( eust ress)
t o drive you in t he direct ion you desire; it can generat e t rem endous t ransform at ion wit hin you. By
learning t o ut ilize pressure and m ake it your friend inst ead of your foe, you can t ruly hone it int o a t ool
t hat assist s you in living life t o t he fullest . Besides, we need t o r em em ber t hat our st ress level is self
induced. So let 's induce it int elligent ly.
One of t he sim plest ways you can use pressur e as your ally is t o enlist t he people you respect as you
com m it t o achieve your goals. By publicly declaring t hat you'll do what ever it t akes t o achieve your
deepest and t ruest desires, you will find it m ore difficult t o st ray from your pat h when frust rat ion or
challenge set in. Oft en when you becom e t ired or uncert ain, and you begin t o feel like t hings aren't
working out , m em ories of your public announcem ent m ay keep you going, or your friends will assist
you by holding you t o a higher st andar d. You m ay find t his a useful t ool t o help you cont inue on t he
road even when it get s a lit t le bum py.
FAI LI N G TO ACH I EVE YOUR GOAL CAN M EAN ACH I EVI N G YOUR REAL GOALS
Years ago, a friend approached m e and t alked about a fant asy he had of living on an island paradise in
Fij i. I had heard t he dr eam m any t im es and loved t he concept in principle. But I was a pract ical m an:
get t ing an island paradise in Fij i was purely an opport unit y for invest m ent , and I j ust ified t o m yself
t hat if t he world ever went t hrough som e cat aclysm , it would be a great place for m y fam ily t o escape
t o. So I scheduled a " business t rip/ vacat ion," and arranged t o go wit h Becky t o exam ine several
proper t ies in t he islands t o assess whet her t hey m ight be a viable invest m ent .
I t t ook us a couple of days t o st art let t ing go of t he hect ic agendas we'd brought wit h us. But not hing
was going t o st op us from achieving our goal of purchasing som e raw land. We were on a m ission t o
80
la ck lu st e r Am . glanzlos, m at t
find a sound invest m ent , so we decided t o chart er a plane and explore t he rem ot e out er islands of Fij i
in search of a st erling opport unit y.
We spent an advent urous day, landing in several places including t he " Blue Lagoon" ( from t he film of
t he sam e nam e) before finally landing on a secluded beach in t he nort hern gr oup of islands. We rent ed
t he only car available and drove up a coconut - st rew n dirt road known as t he " Hibiscus Highway" for
t he next t hree hours.
Then, in what seem ed like t he m iddle of nowhere, on t he side of t he road we spot t ed a lit t le Fij ian girl
wit h unusual red hair t hat st uck st raight out from her head. Becky and I were delight ed and want ed t o
t ake her pict ure, but also want ed t o be respect ful t o her. So we searched for her parent s t o ask t heir
perm ission before doing so,
As we began t o look for her hom e, we spot t ed a t iny village on t he edge of t he sea. As we approached,
several villagers spot t ed us, and a large Fij ian m an cam e running in our direct ion. Wit h a huge sm ile
he greet ed us, not in som e t ribal t ongue, but in t he Queen's English. " Hi, m y nam e is Joe," he said in a
boom ing voice. " Please com e j oin us for som e kava." As we ent ered t he village, we were greet ed by
what seem ed like endless sm iles and laught er. I was invit ed int o a large hut filled wit h t hirt y Fij ian
m en t o part icipat e in a kava cerem ony, and Becky was invit ed t o st ay out side and t alk wit h t he wom en
as w as t radit ional in t heir cult ure.
I was bowled over by t he ent husiasm of t hese people. Their unbridled 81 cheerfulness was am azing.
I nside t he hut , t he Fij ian m en were all sm iling so bright ly, so happy t o have a visit or, and t hey
welcom ed m e wit h " Bula, bula, bula! ", which roughly t ranslat ed m eans, " Welcom e, be happy, we
love you! " The m en had been soaking yanggona ( a kind of peppery root ) in a bowl of wat er for several
hours, and were proudly st irring and ladling out 82 a nonalcoholic drink t hey called kava ( what looked t o
m e like m uddy wat er) . They invit ed m e t o drink from a half- coconut shell, and as I part ook of t he kava
( it t ast ed about as good as it looked) , t he m en laughed and j oked wit h m e and one anot her. Aft er only
a few m om ent s of being wit h t hese people, I began t o feel a sense of peace t hat I had never
experienced before.
Marveling at t heir sense of fun and playfulness, I asked t hem , " What do you t hink is t he purpose of
life?" They looked at m e as if I 'd cracked a cosm ic j oke and said, seem ingly in unison, " To be happy, of
course. What else is t here?" I said, " I t 's t rue: you all seem so happy here in Fij i." One m an replied,
" Yes, I t hink t hat here in Fij i we are t he happiest people on eart h ... Of course, I 've never been
anywhere else! " which set off anot her round of raucous laught er.
Then t hey decided t o break t heir own rules and bring Becky int o t he hut . They brought over t he only
kerosene lam p in t he village, along wit h ukuleles and m andolins, and pret t y soon t he bure was filled
wit h t he ent ire village as t he m en, wom en, and children sang t o us in beaut iful four- part Fij ian
harm ony. I t was one of t he m ost powerful and deeply m oving experiences of our lives. The m ost
incredible t hing about t hese people is t hat t hey want ed not hing from us except t o share t he bount iful
happiness t hey felt for life.
81
82
u n br idle d übert ragen ungezügelt , zügellos; unbr idled t ongue lose Zunge
la dle 1. ( Schöpf- , Suppen) Kelle, Schöpflöffel; 2. la dle ou t Suppe aust eilen
Many hours lat er and aft er long farewell wishes, we left t he village renewed, w it h a deep sense of
peace and balance in our lives. We ret urned aft er dark t hat evening t o a m agical resort wit h a
height ened awareness and grat it ude for t he beaut y around us. Here we were, in t his regal set t ing,
inside our privat e lit t le t hat ched- roof cot t age perched at op a lava pinnacle, surrounded by lush
greenery and m oonlit coconut palm s wit h t he sounds of t he gent ly lapping waves out side our door.
We'd had an incredible day, and felt our lives deeply enriched by t he people of t his sm all village. We
realized t hat we had not achieved our goal for t he day, but by pursuing it , we'd com e across an even
great er gift , a gift of value beyond com pare.
We've r et urned t o Fij i t hree or four t im es a year for over six years now. We expect ed t o achieve our
goal of purchasing t he ult im at e invest m ent on our first t rip, but it t ook roughly t went y t rips t o Fij i t o
finally m ake a purchase—not j ust as an invest m ent , but as an opport unit y t o share t he j oy of Fij i wit h
our friends. I nst ead of buying raw land, t wo years ago we purchased Nam ale, t he exquisit e plant at ion
resort at which we st ayed on our first t rip! We want ed t o t ake t his place of m agic—121 acres and t hree
m iles of beach front age—and enhance it even m ore so we could share it wit h our friends and ot her
special people. Owning Nam ale gives m e t he sam e j oy t hat I get from conduct ing sem inars where I
wat ch people t ransform t heir capacit y t o enj oy life. When people arrive at Nam ale, t he sam e
t ransform at ion occurs, only I don't have t o do anyt hing! I get t o j ust sit back and wat ch while people
from all walks of life, from honeym ooners t o ret ired couples t o high- powered CEOs burdened by t he
frenzied 83 pace of big business, let loose and rediscover what it 's like t o be a child again. They happily
dodge 84 t he fift een feet of spray shoot ing from t he rem arkable blowhole on t he reef, play volleyball
wit h t he locals, ride horseback down t he beach, or part icipat e in a nat ive kava cerem ony.
I love t o see t he wonder in t heir eyes as t hey discover anot her world under t he sea, or drink in a
sunset t hat rivals t hose of t heir great est fant asies, or t heir sm iles t hat reflect t he spirit ual connect ion
t hey feel wit h t he Fij ian people aft er a Sunday m orning church service in t he village. I never realized
when I pursued t he goal of an " invest m ent " t hat I would inst ead find an environm ent t hat would cause
us all t o rem em ber what 's m ost im port ant in life. I t 's not j ust get t ing a goal t hat m at t ers, but t he
qualit y of life you experience along t he way.
LI VE TH E D REAM
Many people go t hrough life put t ing off t heir j oy and happiness. To t hem , goal set t ing m eans t hat
" som eday," aft er t hey achieve som et hing, only t hen will t hey be able t o enj oy life t o t he fullest . The
t rut h is t hat if we decide t o be happy now, we'll aut om at ically achieve m ore. While goals provide a
m agnificent direct ion and a way t o focus, we m ust const ant ly st rive t o live each day t o it s fullest ,
squeezing all t he j oy we can out of each m om ent . I nst ead of m easuring your success and failure in life
by your abilit y t o achieve an individualized and specific goal, rem em ber t hat t he direct ion we're
83
84
fr e n zie d außer sich, rasend ( wit h vor Dat iv) ; hekt isch
dodge ( rasch) zur Seit e springen, ausweichen; um gangssprachlich: sich drücken ( vor Dat iv)
heading is m ore im port ant t han individual result s. I f we cont inue t o head in t he right direct ion, we m ay
not only achieve t he goals we're pursuing but a lot m ore!
One m an whose life I believe repr esent s t he power of a com pelling fut ure t o change one's abilit ies, and
whose life also rem inds us t hat not achieving our int ended goal m ay act ually cause us t o achieve a
great er one, is t he lat e Michael Landon. Why was t his m an beloved by so m any?
He represent ed m any of t he highest values wit hin our cult ure: a st rong sense of fam ily, doing t he right
t hing, consist ency and int egrit y, and persist ence in t he face of adversit y, along wit h a sense of deep
caring and love.
This m an who bright ened so m any lives becam e a cult ural hero t hrough a rat her indirect rout e. He
grew up in a physically and em ot ionally abusive environm ent where his parent s fought const ant ly, his
fat her being Jewish ( and hat ing Cat holics) and his m ot her being a Cat holic ( who was also ant i- Sem it ic) .
His m ot her frequent ly st aged m elodram at ic suicide at t em pt s and oft en pursued Michael t o t he local
t een hangout , where she'd j um p out of a t axi t o beat him wit h a coat hanger.
A chronic bed wet t er by t he t im e he reached high school, Michael was afflict ed wit h uncont rollable
facial t ics and was m aking involunt ary gulping 85 sounds. He was skinny and filled wit h fear. This
doesn't sound very m uch like t he confident , self- assured pat riarch of t he I ngalls fam ily he port rayed on
TV's Lit t le House on t he Pr airie, does it ? What changed his life?
One day, in his sophom ore 86 year in high school, t he gym t eacher t ook t he class out ont o t he foot ball
field t o t ake a shot at t hrowing an old, rust y j avelin. Michael was about t o have an experience t hat
would reshape his view of him self forever. When his t urn cam e, he approached t he j avelin wit h t he
sam e fear and lack of confidence wit h which he had approached everyt hing else in his life up unt il t hen.
But t hat day a m iracle happened. Michael hurled t hat j avelin 87 forward, and it flew out of t he t rack
area t hirt y feet fart her t han anyone else had ever t hrown it . I n t hat m om ent , Michael knew he had a
fut ure. As he was t o say lat er in an int erview wit h Life m agazine, " On t hat day, I had found som et hing
I could do bet t er t han ot her people, som et hing I could grab on t o. And I grabbed. I begged t he coach
t o let m e t ake t hat j avelin hom e for t he sum m er, and he let m e. And I t hrew it and t hrew it and t hrew
it ."
Michael had found his com pelling fut ure, and he pursued it wit h a ferocious88 int ensit y. The result s
were absolut ely am azing. By t he t im e he ret urned from sum m er vacat ion, his body had begun t o
t ransform . I n his sophom ore year he began doing exercises t o build his upper body. And by his senior
year, he had broken t he U.S. record for high school st udent s in t he j avelin t hrow, winning an at hlet ic
scholarship 89 t o t he Universit y of Sout hern California. To put it in his words, t he " m ouse" had " becom e
a lion." How's t hat for a m et aphor?
The st ory doesn't end her e. Part of Michael's st rengt h em anat ed from 90 a belief he developed by
wat ching a m ovie about Sam son and Delilah. He believed t hat if he grew his hair long, he'd becom e
st rong. I ndeed, it worked while he was in high school. Unfort unat ely, his belief was in for a rude
85
gu lp 1. ( großer) Schluck ; 2. oft gulp dow n Get ränk hinunt erst ürzen, Speise hinunt erschlingen
sophom or e Am . St udent ( in) im zw eit en Jahr
87
j a ve lin Spor t : Speer; j avelin ( t hrow) , t hrowing t he j av elin Speerwerfen; j avelin t hrow er Speerw erfer ( in)
88
fe r ociou s w ild; grausam
89
sch ola r sh ip Gelehr sam k eit ; HOCHSCHULWESEN St ipendium
90
e m a n a t e ausst röm en; ausgehen ( from v on)
86
awakening when he arrived at USC in t he crew- cut era of t he fift ies. A group of short - haired at hlet es
slam m ed him t o t he ground and cut off his long, leonine locks. Even t hough int ellect ually he knew
bet t er, his st rengt h im m ediat ely disappeared. I n fact , his j avelin t hrow dropped by m ore t han 30 feet .
As he pushed him self t o m at ch his past perform ances, he inj ured him self so badly t hat he was out for
t he year, and t he at hlet ic depar t m ent m ade it so difficult for him he was com pelled t o leave. I n order
t o support him self, he had t o unload freight in a m anufact uring plant . I t looked as t hough his dream
had died. How would he ever m eet his vision of being an int ernat ional t rack st ar?
Fort unat ely, one day he was spot t ed by a Hollywood t alent agent who asked him t o t ry out for t he part
of Lit t le Joe Cart wright in what would be t he first color west ern on t elevision. Bonanza. Aft er t hat ,
t here was no looking back. Michael's career as an act or, and event ually a direct or and producer, was
launched. Missing his dream had given him his fut ure. But t he pursuit of his original goals, and t he
direct ion t hey t ook him , sculpt ed bot h his physical body and his charact er, t wo of t he elem ent s of
growt h t hat were necessary t o prepare him for his ult im at e fut ure. Som et im es we need t o t rust t hat
our disappoint m ent s m ay t ruly be opport unit ies in disguise91 .
TH E KEY TO ACH I EVI N G GOALS
Does t his m ean t hat if you pursue your goals and m eet wit h init ial failure and frust rat ion, you should
m ove on and do som et hing else? Of course not . No one ever achieved a goal by being int erest ed in it s
achievem ent . One m ust be com m it t ed. I n fact , in st udying t he source of people's success, I 've found
t hat persist ence overshadows even t alent as t he m ost valued and effect ive resource in creat ing and
shaping t he qualit y of life. Most people give up a m addening five feet from t heir goal!
I believe t hat life is const ant ly t est ing us for our level of com m it m ent , and life's great est rewards are
reserved for t hose who dem onst rat e a never- ending com m it m ent t o act unt il t hey achieve. This level
of resolve can m ove m ount ains, but it m ust be const ant and consist ent . As sim plist ic as t his m ay
sound, it is st ill t he com m on denom inat or separat ing t hose who live t heir dream s from t hose who live
in regret .
I 'm a st udent of t hose who have learned t o t ake t he invisible and m ake it visible. That 's why I respect
poet s, writ ers, act ors, and ent repreneurs—people who t ake an idea and bring it t o life. One of t he
people I believe is an out st anding role m odel of creat ivit y and ever expanding personal gr owt h and
success is Pet er Guber, t he chairm an of t he board and CEO of Sony Pict ures Ent ert ainm ent I nc.
( form erly known as Colum bia Pict ures) . At t he age of 48 Pet er has becom e one of t he m ost powerful
and respect ed m en in t he m ot ion pict ure indust ry. He and his part ner, Jon Pet ers, have racked up a
com bined t ot al of over 52 Academ y Award nom inat ions. His work includes film s from Midnight Express
t o Missing, from Rain Man t o Bat m an. I n 1989 t heir j oint com pany, Guber- Pet ers Ent ert ainm ent
Com pany, was purchased by Sony for over $200 m illion in order t o get t he duo t o t ake charge of t he
91
disgu ise 1. verkleiden ( as als) ; St im m e und so weit er v er st ellen; et was verbergen, - schleier n; 2. Ver kleidung;
Verst ellung; Verschleierung; in disguise m askier t , v erkleidet ; über t ragen verkappt ; in t he disguise of verkleidet als
Colum bia Pict ures em pire. How does som eone at such a young age achieve such im pact in an
incredibly com pet it ive indust ry? The answer is t hrough vision and absolut e, never- ending persist ence.
One day I had t he privilege of receiving a phone call from him and finding out t hat he was a great fan
of m y Personal Power™ audiot ape program . Each m orning as he worked out , he list ened t o m y t apes
so t hat as he got his body in shape he could sim ultaneously get his m ind in shape! He want ed t o t hank
m e because he'd never m ade a purchase like t his before from t elevision, and cert ainly never list ened
t o t apes such as t hese. As a result of t his conversat ion, I got a chance t o m eet Pet er and develop a
friendship wit h him .
I have found t hat one key ingredient of his incredible success is his abilit y never t o let go once he locks
on t o a goal. Back in 1979, he and I on Pet er s had bought t he right s t o produce Bat m an, but it wasn't
unt il 1988 t hat t hey could begin product ion. Along t he way, virt ually every- body t ried t o kill t he film .
St udio execut ives said t here was no m arket for it , and t hat t he only people who would see it were kids
and com ic book nut s ( who becam e inflam ed when Michael Keat on was select ed t o play t he powerhouse
role of Bat m an) . I n spit e of cont inuous disappoint m ent , frust rat ion, and considerable risk, t he t eam of
Guber and Pet ers m ade Bat m an one of t he biggest blockbust ers of all t im e, net t ing t he highest
opening- weekend revenues of any film ever released. Proceeds from t he film and all ancillary product s
are est im at ed t o have produced over $1 billion!
Anot her exam ple of Guber's persist ence was m aking t he film Rain Man. This film should never even
have survived. At various st ages of it s com plet ion, t he script was handled by five writ ers, and t hree
direct ors walked off t he proj ect , including St even Spielberg. Som e of t hem want ed Pet er Guber t o
change t he script by adding som e act ion, som e m urders, or at least som e sex. They argued t hat no
one would ever wat ch a film t hat feat ured not hing but t wo guys sit t ing in a car and t raveling across
t he count ry, especially when one was " ret arded 92 ."
But Pet er underst ands t he power of em ot ion; he consist ent ly chooses t o pr oduce m ovies t hat m ove t he
hum an spirit . He knows what t ouches people's souls, and he refused t o budge, t elling everyone t hat
t his was a film about a relat ionship, t hat t his st ory of t wo brot hers get t ing t o know each ot her was all
t he act ion t he film needed, and t hat Rain Man would in fact win an Oscar. The best m inds t ried t o
convince him ot herwise, including Spielberg, but he would not relent . Sure enough, t he 1988 film went
on t o gam er four Academ y Awards, including Best Pict ure, Best Act or, Best Direct or, and Best
Screenplay. Persist ence pays. Guber believes t hat wit h every new film you're st art ing over, t hat in
Hollywood you're only as good as your last film . Doesn't t his creat e a lot of fear? You bet ! But he says
he uses his fear and t he st ress of t he environm ent not t o paralyze, but rat her t o propel him self forward.
Too oft en people never even begin t o pursue a goal out of t heir fear t hat t hey'll fail. Or worse, t hey
st art pursuing a goal, t hen give up t oo soon. They m ay have been on t rack t o achieve what t hey want ,
but t hey fail t o m aint ain t he pat ience of t he st onecut t er. Because t hey're not get t ing im m ediat e
feedback, t hey give up far t oo soon. I f t here's any one skill t hat I 've seen in cham pions—people who
have really achieved t heir highest desires—it 's an unbelievable level of persist ence. They'll change
t heir approach as necessary, but t hey won't abandon t heir ult im at e vision.
92
r e t a r d v erzögern, aufhalt en, hem m en
UN LEASH TH E POW ER OF TH E RETI CULAR ACTI V ATI N G SYSTEM TO ACH I EV E YOUR GOALS
What is t he power t hat a Pet er Guber or a Michael Landon t aps int o? What is t his seem ingly
ext rasensory percept ion t hey have t o not ice anyt hing and every t hing t hat relat es t o t heir goal or can
be used t o achieve t heir heart 's desire? I believe t hat in each case, t hese individuals have learned t o
use a m echanism in t heir brains known as t he Ret icular Act ivat ing Syst em .
I t sounds com plex, and undoubt edly t he act ual process is, but t he funct ion of your RAS is sim ple and
profound: it det erm ines what you will not ice and what you will pay at t ent ion t o. I t is t he screening
device of your m ind. Rem em ber t hat your conscious m ind can focus only on a lim it ed num ber of
elem ent s at any one t im e, so your brain expends a lot of effort deciding what not t o pay at t ent ion t o.
There ar e count less st im uli bom barding you right now, but your brain delet es m ost of it and focuses
on what you believe is im port ant . I t s m echanism for achieving t his is t he RAS. Thus your RAS is
direct ly responsible for how m uch of realit y you consciously experience.
Let m e offer you an exam ple. Have you ever bought a new out fit or car, and t hen suddenly not iced it
everywhere you looked? Why was t hat ? Didn't t hey exist before? Yes, of course t hey did, but you're
not icing t hem now because your purchase of t his it em was a clear dem onst r at ion t o your RAS t hat
anyt hing relat ed t o t his obj ect is now significant and needs t o be not ed. You have an im m ediat e and
height ened awareness of som et hing t hat act ually has always been around you.
Th is sh ift in m e n t a l post u r e a lign s you m or e pr e cise ly w it h you r goa ls. On ce you de cide t h a t
som e t h in g is a pr ior it y, you give it t r e m e n dou s e m ot ion a l in t e n sit y, a n d by con t in u a lly
focu sin g on it , a n y r e sou r ce t h a t su ppor t s it s a t t a in m e n t w ill e ve n t u a lly be com e cle a r .
Therefore, it 's not crucial 93 t o underst and exact ly how you'll achieve your goals when you first set
t hem . Trust t hat your RAS will point out what you need t o know along t he way.
" Clim b high; Clim b far. Your goal t he sky; Your aim t he st ar."
I NSCRI PTI ON AT WI LLI AMS COLLEGE
Eight years ago, in 1983, I did an exercise t hat creat ed a fut ure so com pelling t hat m y whole life
changed as a result . As pan of t he overall process of raising m y st andards, I est ablished a whole new
set of goals, writ ing down all t he t hings I would no longer set t le for, as well as what I was com m it t ed
t o having in m y life. I set aside all m y lim it ing beliefs and sat down on t he beach wit h m y j ournal. I
wrot e cont inuously for t hree hours, brainst orm ing every possibilit y of what I could ever im agine doing,
being, having, creat ing, experiencing, or cont ribut ing. The t im e line I gave m yself for achieving t hese
goals was any t im e from t om orrow t o t he next t went y years. I never st opped t o t hink whet her I could
act ually achieve t hese goals or not . I sim ply capt ured any possibilit y t hat inspired m e, and wrot e it
down.
From t hat beginning, I refined t he process six m ont hs lat er when I was invit ed along wit h a group of
parapsychologist s t o t he USSR t o st udy psychic phenom ena direct ly from universit y expert s
93
cr u cia l ent scheidend, krit isch
t hroughout Russia. As m y group t raveled t he count ry, I spent m any hours on t he t rain from Moscow t o
Siberia and back t o Leningrad. Wit h not hing t o write on but t he back of an old Russian m ap, I wrot e
down all m y long- t erm goals for m y spirit ual, m ent al, em ot ional, physical, and financial dest inies, and
t hen creat ed a series of m ilest ones for each one, working backward. For exam ple, in order t o achieve
m y t op spirit ual goal t en years from now, what kind of person would I have t o be, and what t hings
would I need t o accom plish by nine years from now, eight years, seven years, and so on, reaching all
t he way back unt il t oday? W h a t spe cific a ct ion cou ld I t a k e t oda y t h a t w ou ld le a d m e on t h a t
r oa d t o t h e de st in y of m y ch oice ?
On t hat day, I set specific goals t hat t ransform ed m y life. I described t he wom an of m y dream s,
det ailing what she would be like m ent ally, em ot ionally, physically, spirit ually. I described what m y kids
would be like, t he huge incom e t hat I would enj oy, and t he hom e t hat I would live in, including t he
t hird- st ory circular office area t hat would overlook t he ocean.
A year and a half lat er. Life m agazine was in m y hom e, int erviewing m e as t o how I had m ade such
incredible shift s in m y life. When I pulled out m y m ap t o show t hem all t he goals I had writ t en down, it
was am azing t o see how m any I 'd achieved. I had m et t he wom an I described, and m arried her. I had
found and purchased t he hom e I 'd envisioned, down t o t he finest det ail, including t he t hird- st ory
office in t he t urret of t he cast le, overlooking t he ocean. When I wrot e t hem down init ially, I had no
assurances w hat soever t hat t hese goals could be achieved. But I had been willing t o suspend
j udgm ent for a short period of t im e in order t o m ake it work.
TAKE YOUR FI RST STEP N OW !
What we are going t o do now is t ake t he first st ep in t urning t he invisible int o t he visible, in m aking
your dream s a realit y. By t he t im e we are finished, you will have creat ed for y ourself an ant icipat ion so
great , a fut ure so com pelling, t hat you can't help but t ake t he first st eps t oday. We'll be covering four
areas:
1 ) Pe r son a l de ve lopm e n t goa ls,
2 ) Ca r e e r / bu sin e ss/ e con om ic goa ls,
3 ) Toys/ a dve n t u r e goa ls, a n d
4 ) Con t r ibut ion goa ls.
For each of t hese you'll have a set per iod of t im e in which t o brain- st orm . Writ e rapidly—keep your pen
m oving, don't censor yourself, j ust get it all down on paper. Const ant ly ask yourself, w h a t w ou ld I
w a n t for m y life if I k n e w I cou ld h a ve it a n y w a y I w a n t e d it ? What would I go for if I knew I
could not fail? Suspend t he need t o know precisely how. Just discover what it is you t ruly want . Do t his
wit hout quest ioning or doubt ing your capabilit y.
Rem em ber, if you get inspired enough, t he power you'll unleash 94 from wit hin will find a way t o
m anifest your desire. Also, init ially, don't wast e t im e get t ing overly specific wit h t hings like, " I want a
split - level house on Nob Hill, in San Francisco, wit h all- whit e, cont em porary furnit ure and a splash of
94
le a sh ( Hunde) Leine
color here and t here—oh, and don't for get t he Vict orian rose garden." Just writ e, " Dream house. Big
garden. San Francisco." You'll fill in t he det ails lat er.
So right now, put yourself in a st at e of m ind of absolut e fait h and t ot al expect at ion t hat you can creat e
anyt hing you want . I 'd like you t o im agine t hat you are a kid again on Christ m as Eve. You're in a
depar t m ent st ore, about t o sit on Sant a's lap. Do you rem em ber what t his was like? I f you t alk t o kids
before Christ m as, t hey have no t rouble at all com ing up wit h a fun, out rageous list ; t hey'll say, " I 'll t ell
you what I want . I want a swim m ing pool. I n fact , I want t wo swim m ing pools: one for you, and one
for m e! " An adult would probably t urn t o t hem and say, " What ? You'll be lucky t o get a t ub in t he
backyard! " We'll get pract ical lat er, but for now, t he point is t o be a kid: give yourself t he freedom t o
explore t he possibilit y of life wit hout lim it s.
I . Pe r son a l D e ve lopm e n t Goa ls
St e p 1 : On t he chart prov ided ( or on addit ional sheet s of paper when you need m ore room ) w r it e
dow n e ve r yt h in g t h a t y ou 'd lik e t o im pr ove in you r life t h a t r e la t e s t o you r ow n pe r son a l
gr ow t h . How would you like t o im prove your physical body? What are your goals for your m ent al and
social developm ent ? Would you like t o learn, for exam ple, t o speak anot her language? Becom e a speed
reader? Would t here be value in reading all of Shakespeare's works? Em ot ionally, what would you like
t o experience, achieve, or m ast er in your life? Maybe you want t o be able t o inst ant ly break pat t erns of
frust rat ion or rej ect ion. Maybe you want t o feel com passion for t hose people you used t o feel anger
t oward. What are som e of your spirit ual goals? Do you want t o feel a great er sense of connect ion wit h
your Creat or? Or have an expanded feeling of com passion for your neighbor?
The key in writ ing t hese goals is t o writ e down everyt hing and anyt hing you can im agine wit hout
let t ing your m ind st op. They can be short - t erm goals—som et hing you want t o accom plish t his week,
t his year—or t hey can be long- t erm goals, som et hing you want t o accom plish any t im e bet ween now
and t he next t went y years. Br a in st or m for a m in im u m of five m in u t e s. Don't st op writ ing at any
t im e. Be silly, be crazy, be a kid—som et im es a weird idea leads t o a great dest iny! Here are a few
quest ions you m ay want t o review j ust before beginning, but aft er you review t hem , go t o work and
begin your goal set t ing right now!
What would you like t o leam ?
What are som e skills you want t o m ast er in your lifet im e?
What are som e charact er t rait s you'd like t o develop?
Who do you want your friends t o be?
Who do you want t o be?
What could you do for your physical well- being?
Get a m assage every week? Every day?
Creat e t he body of your dream s?
Join a gym —and act ually use it ?
Hire a veget arian chef?
Com plet e t he I ron Man Triat hlon in Honolulu?
Would you like t o conquer your fear of flying?
Or of public speaking?
Or of swim m ing?
What would you want t o learn?
To speak Fr ench?
St udy t he Dead Sea Scrolls?
Dance and/ or sing?
St udy wit h violin virt uoso I t zhak Perlm an?
Who else would you like t o st udy wit h?
Would you like t o t ake in a foreign exchange st udent ?
St e p 2 : Now t hat you've got a list of goals for your personal dev elopm ent t hat you can get excit ed
about , t a k e a m in u t e n ow t o give a t im e lin e t o e a ch a n d e ve r y on e of t h e se . At t his st age, it 's
not im port ant t o know how you're going t o accom plish t hese goals. Just give yourself a t im e fram e
from which t o operat e. Re m e m be r t h a t goa ls a r e dr e a m s w it h a de a dlin e . The sim ple act of
deciding when you'll achieve a goal set s in m ot ion conscious and unconscious forces t o m ake your
goals a realit y. So if you're com m it t ed t o accom plishing a goal wit hin one year or less, put a 1 next t o
it . I f you're com m it t ed t o accom plishing it wit hin t hree years, put a 3 next t o it , and so on for five, t en,
and t went y years.
St e p 3 : N ow ch oose you r sin gle m ost im por t a n t on e - ye a r goa l in t h is ca t e gor y —a goal t hat , if
you were t o accom plish it t his year, would give you t rem endous excit em ent and m ake you feel t hat t he
year was well invest ed. Ta k e t w o m in u t e s t o w r it e a pa r a gr a ph a bou t w h y you a r e a bsolu t e ly
com m it t e d t o a ch ie vin g t h is goa l w it h in t h e ye a r . Why is t his com pelling for you? What will you
gain by achieving it ? What would you m iss out on if you didn't achieve it ? Are t hese reasons st rong
enough t o get you t o act ually follow t hrough? I f not , eit her com e up wit h a bet t er goal or bet t er
reasons. The m ost im port ant dist inct ion t hat I m ade about goals years ago was t hat if I had a big
enough why t o do som et hing—a st rong enough set of reasons—I could always figure out how t o
achieve it . Goals alone can inspire, but knowing t he deepest reasons why you want t hem in t he first
place can provide you wit h t he long- last ing drive and m ot ivat ion necessary t o persist and achieve.
I I . Ca r e e r / Bu sin e ss/ Econ om ic Goa ls
The next st ep is set t ing your career/ business/ econom ic goals.
St e p 1 : Writ e down anyt hing you want for your career, business, or financial life. What levels of
financial abundance do you want t o achieve? To what posit ion do you want t o rise? Take five m inut es
now t o creat e a list t hat 's wort h a m illion!
Do you want t o earn:
$50,000 a year?
$100,000 a y ear?
$500,000 a y ear?
$1 m illion a year?
$10 m illion a year?
So m uch t hat you can't possibly count it ?
What goals do you have for your com pany?
Would you like t o t ake your com pany public?
Would you like t o becom e t he leader in your indust ry?
What do you want your net wort h t o be?
When do you want t o ret ire?
How m uch invest m ent incom e would you like t o have so you no longer have t o work?
By what age do you want t o achieve financial independence?
What are your m oney m anagem ent goals? Do you need t o:
Balance your budget ?
Balance your checkbook?
Get a financial coach?
What invest m ent s would you m ake? Would you:
Finance an excit ing st art - up business?
Buy a vint age coin collect ion?
St art a diaper delivery service?
I nvest in a m ut ual fund?
Set up a living t rust ?
C
Cont ribut e t o a pension plan?
How m uch do you want t o save t oward giving your kids a college educat ion?
How m uch do you want t o be able t o spend on t ravel and advent ure?
How m uch do you want t o be able t o spend on new " t oys'?
What are your career goals?
What would you like t o cont ribut e t o your com pany?
What breakt hroughs would you like t o creat e?
Would you like t o becom e a supervisor? A m anager? A CEO?
What would you like t o be known for wit hin your profession?
What kind of im pact do you want t o have?
St e p 2 : Now t hat you've writ t en down all your m ost com pelling career, business, and econom ic goals,
t a k e a m in u t e t o give a t im e lin e t o e a ch on e , as you did wit h your personal developm ent goals. I f
you're com m it t ed t o accom plishing t hat goal in t he next year or less, writ e a 1 next t o it . I f you're
com m it t ed t o achieving it wit hin t he next five years, writ e a 5, and so on. Rem em ber, what m at t ers is
not whet her you know how you will at t ain t hat goal, or whet her t he t im e line is reasonable, but
whet her you are absolut ely com m it t ed t o at t aining it .
St e p 3 : Next , ch oose you r t op on e - ye a r goa l in t h e ca t e gor y of bu sin e ss a n d e con om ics, a n d
t a k e t w o m in u t e s t o w r it e a pa r a gr a ph a bou t it , explaining why you are absolut ely com m it t ed t o
achieving t his goal wit hin t he year. Be sure t o st ack up as m any reasons as y ou can for achieving t his
goal. Pick reasons t hat will really drive you, t hat m ake you passionat e and ex cit ed about t he process.
Again, if t hese reasons ar en't com pelling enough t o get you t o act ually follow t hrough, t hen com e up
wit h eit her bet t er reasons or a bet t er goal.
I I I . Toys/ Adve n t u r e Goa ls
I f t here were no lim it s econom ically, what are som e of t he t hings you would like t o have? What are
som e of t he t hings you would like t o do? I f t he genie were before you and any wish you m ade would
im m ediat ely be fulfilled, what would you want m ost in t he world?
St e p 1 : Take five m inut es t o writ e down everyt hing you could ever want , have, do or experience in
your life. Here are som e quest ions t o get you going:
Would you like t o build, creat e, or purchase a:
Cot t age?
Cast le?
Beach house?
Cat am aran sailboat ?
Privat e yacht ?
I sland?
Lam bor ghini sport s car?
Chanel wardrobe?
Helicopt er?
Jet plane?
Music st udio?
Art collect ion?
Privat e zoo st ocked wit h giraffes, alligat ors,
and hippos?
Virt ual Realit y m achine?
Would you like t o at t end:
An opening of a Broadway play?
A film prem iere in Cannes?
A Bruce Springst een concert ?
A Kabuki t heat er product ion in Osaka, Japan?
Would you like t o:
Race any of t he Andret t is at t he next I ndy 500?
Play Monica Seles and St effi Graf, or Boris Becker and I van Lendl, in a doubles m at ch?
Pit ch t he World Series?
Carry t he Olym pic t orch?
Go one- on- one wit h Michael Jordan?
Swim wit h t he pink dolphins in t he oceans of Peru?
Race cam els bet ween t he pyram ids of Egypt wit h your best friend? And win?
Trek wit h t he Sherpas in t he Him alayas?
Would you like t o:
St ar in a Broadway play?
Share an on- screen kiss wit h Kim Basinger?
Dirt y dance wit h Pat rick Swayze?
Choreograph a m odem ballet wit h Mikhail Baryshnikov?
What exot ic places would you visit ? Would you:
Sail around t he world like Thor Heyerdahl in t he Kon- Tifei?
Visit Tanzania and st udy chim panzees wit h Jane Goodall?
Sail on t he Calypso wit h Jacques Coust eau?
Lounge on t he sands of t he French Riviera?
Sail a yacht around t he Greek I sles?
Part icipat e in t he Dragon Fest ivals in China?
Take part in a shadow dance in Bangkok?
Scuba dive in Fij i?
Medit at e in a Buddhist m onast ery?
Take a st roll t hrough t he Prado in Madrid?
Book a ride on t he next space shut t le flight ?
St e ps 2 a n d 3 : Again, give a t im e lin e t o e a ch on e , ch oose you r t op on e - ye a r goa l in t h is
ca t e gor y, a n d t a k e t w o m in u t e s t o w r it e a pa r a gr a ph e x pla in in g w h y you a r e a bsolu t e ly
com m it t e d t o a ch ie vin g
it w it h in t h e n e x t ye a r . Back it up wit h st rong reasons, and, of course, if t hese reasons aren't
com pelling enough t o get you t o act ually follow t hrough, t hen com e up wit h eit her bet t er r easons or a
bet t er goal.
I V. Con t r ibu t ion Goa ls
These can be t he m ost inspiring, com pelling goals of all, because t his is your opport unit y t o leave your
m ark, creat ing a legacy t hat m akes a t rue difference in people's lives. I t could be som et hing as sim ple
as t it hing t o your church or com m it t ing your household t o a recycling program , or as broad as set t ing
up a foundat ion t o offer opport unit ies t o disadvant aged people.
St e p 1 : Take five m inut es t o brainst orm out all t he possibilit ies.
How could you cont ribut e? Would you:
Help build a shelt er for t he hom eless?
Adopt a child?
Volunt eer at a soup kit chen?
Read t o t he blind?
Visit a m an or wom an serving a prison sent ence?
Volunt eer wit h t he Peace Corps for six m ont hs?
Take balloons t o an old folks' hom e?
How could you help t o:
Prot ect t he ozone layer?
Clean up t he oceans?
Elim inat e racial discrim inat ion?
Halt t he dest ruct ion of t he rain forest s?
What could you creat e? Would you:
Com e up wit h a perpet ual m ot ion m achine?
Develop a car t hat runs on garbage?
Design a syst em for dist ribut ing food t o all who hunger?
St e ps 2 a n d 3 : As before, give each goal a t im e line, select your t op one- year goal in t his cat egory,
and t ake t wo m inut es t o writ e a paragraph explaining why you are absolut ely com m it t ed t o achieving
it wit hin t he next year.
" Th e r e is n ot h in g lik e dr e a m t o cr e a t e t h e fu t u r e . Ut opia t oda y, fle sh 9 5 a n d blood
t om or r ow ."
VI CTOR H UGO
Now you should have four m ast er one- year goals t hat absolut ely excit e and inspire you, wit h sound,
com pelling reasons behind t hem . How would you feel if in one year you had m ast ered and at t ained
95
fle sh lebendiges Fleisch
t hem all? How would you feel about yourself? How would you feel about your life? I can't st ress
enough t he im port ance of developing st rong enough reasons t o achieve t hese goals. Having a powerful
enough why will provide you wit h t he necessary how . Make sure t hat you look at t hese four goals daily.
Put t hem where you'll see t hem every day, eit her in your j ournal, on your desk at t he office, or over
your bat hroom m irror while you're shaving or put t ing on m akeup. I f you back your goals up wit h a
solid com m it m ent t o CANI ! , t o const ant and never - ending im provem ent of each of t hese areas, t hen
you're sure t o m ake progr ess daily. Make t he decision now t o begin t o follow t hrough on t hese goals,
beginning im m ediat ely.
H OW TO M AKE YOUR GOALS REAL
Now t hat you have a set of com pelling goals and clear- cut reasons for t heir achievem ent , t he process
for m aking t he goals real has already begun. Your RAS will becom e sensit ized as you consist ent ly
review your goals and reasons, and will at t ract t o you any resource of value t oward t he achievem ent of
your clearly defined desire. To ensure t he absolut e at t ainm ent of your goals, you m ust condit ion your
nervous syst em in advance t o feel t he pleasure t hey will surely bring. I n ot her words, at least t wice a
day, you m ust rehearse and em ot ionally enj oy t he experience of achieving each one of your m ost
valued goals. Each t im e you do t his, you need t o creat e m ore em ot ional j oy as you see, feel, and hear
yourself living your dream .
This cont inuous focus will creat e a neur al pat hway bet ween wher e you are and where you want t o go.
Because of t his int ense condit ioning you'll find yourself feeling a sense of absolut e cert aint y t hat you'll
achieve your desires, and t his cert aint y will t ranslat e int o a qualit y of act ion t hat ensures your success.
Your confidence will allow you t o at t ract t he appropriat e coaches and role m odels who will guide you in
t aking t he m ost effect ive act ions t o produce result s quickly rat her t han t he t r adit ional t rial- and- error
m et hod t hat can t ake decades or m ore. Don't wait anot her day t o begin t his process. St art t oday!
TH E PURPOSE OF TH E GOAL
Oft en as we pursue our goals we fail t o realize t heir t rue im pact on t he environm ent around us. We
t hink t hat achieving our goal is t he end. But if we had a great er underst anding we'd realize t hat oft en
in t he pursuit of our goals, we set in m ot ion processional effect s t hat have consequences ev en m ore
far reaching t han we ever int ended. Aft er all, does t he honeybee deliberat e on how t o propagat e
flowers? Of course not , but in t he process of seeking t he sweet nect ar from t he flowers, a bee will
invariably pick up pollen on it s legs, fly t o t he next flower, and set in m ot ion a chain of pollinat ion t hat
w ill result in a hillside awash in color. The businessm an pursues profit , and in so doing can creat e j obs
t hat offer people a chance for incredible personal growt h and an increase in t he qualit y of life. The
process of earning a livelihood enables people t o m eet such goals as put t ing t heir kids t hrough college.
Children in t urn cont ribut e by becom ing doct ors, lawyers, art ist s, businessm en, scient ist s, and parent s.
The chain is never ending.
Goals are a m eans t o an end, not t he ult im at e purpose of our lives. They are sim ply a t ool t o
concent rat e our focus and m ove us in a direct ion. The only reason we really pursue goals is t o cause
ourselves t o expand and grow. Ach ie vin g goa ls by t h e m se lve s w ill n e ve r m a k e u s h a ppy in t h e
lon g t e r m ; it 's w h o you be com e , a s you ove r com e t h e obst a cle s n e ce ssa r y t o a ch ie ve you r
goa ls, t h a t ca n give you t h e de e pe st a n d m ost lon g- la st in g se n se of fu lfillm e n t . So m aybe t he
key quest ion you and I need t o ask is, " W h a t k in d of pe r son w ill I h a ve t o be com e in or de r t o
a ch ie ve a ll t h a t I w a n t ?" This m ay be t he m ost im port ant quest ion t hat you can ask yourself, for it s
answer will det erm ine t he direct ion you need t o head personally.
Please t ake a m om ent now, and w r it e a pa r a gr a ph de scr ibin g a ll t h e ch a r a ct e r t r a it s, sk ills,
a bilit ie s, a t t it u de s, a n d be lie fs t h a t you w ou ld n e e d t o de ve lop in or de r t o a ch ie ve a ll of t h e
goa ls you 've w r it t e n dow n pr e viou sly. Cert ainly you'll have t o t ake act ion t o achieve t hose goals.
But what qualit ies will you need t o hav e as a person in order t o t urn t his invisible set of com m it m ent s
int o your visible realit y? Before going on, t ake a m om ent right now and writ e t his paragraph.
THE KI ND OF PERSON I NEED TO BECOME I N ORDER TO ACHI EVE ALL THAT I WANT:
TH E M OST I M PORTAN T STEP
For years I had set goals and not followed t hrough. I 'd get inspired in t he m om ent , get all pum ped up,
but t hree weeks lat er I not iced I wasn't following t hrough on anyt hing I 'd writ t en down. Writ ing a goal
is cert ainly t he first st ep, and m ost people don't ev en do t hat ; j ust t he act ion of com m it t ing your ideas
t o paper begins t o m ake t hem m ore real. But t he m ost im port ant t hing you can do t o achieve your
goals is t o m ake sure t hat as soon as you set t hem , you im m ediat ely begin t o creat e m om ent um . The
m ost im port ant rules t hat I ever adopt ed t o help m e in achieving m y goals were t hose I learned from a
very successful m an who t aught m e t o first writ e down t he goal, and t hen t o never leave t he sit e of
set t ing a goal wit hout first t aking som e form of posit ive act ion t oward it s at t ainm ent .
As I em phasized in Chapt er 2, a t rue decision is one t hat you act upon, and one t hat you act upon
now. Use t he m om ent um you've built up in com ing up wit h your t op four one- year goals. The m ost
powerful
way t o cont inue t his m om ent um is t o t ake im m ediat e act ion as soon as you finish t his chapt er. Even
t he sm allest st ep—a phone call, a com m it m ent , sket ching out an init ial plan—will m ove you forward.
Then develop a list of sim ple t hings you can do ever y day for t he next t en days. I can prom ise you t hat
t en days of sm all act ions in t he direct ion of your goals will begin t o creat e a chain of habit s t hat will
ensure your long- t erm success.
I f your num ber- one personal developm ent goal for t he next year is t o learn j azz dancing, for inst ance,
" let your fingers do t he w alking" t hrough t hose yellow pages t oday. Call t he dance st udio for a
schedule, and enroll in a class.
I f your t op t oy/ advent ure goal for t he next year is a Mercedes- Benz, call your local dealership for a
brochure, or visit t hem t his aft ernoon and t ake a t est drive. I 'm not saying t hat you need t o buy it
t oday, but at least find out what it cost s or drive it so t hat it becom es m ore real. Your int ensified
desire will help you t o st art put t ing t oget her a plan.
I f your t op econom ic goal for t he next year is t o earn $100,000, t hen st art ev aluat ing now what st eps
you m ust t ake. Who's already earning t his kind of incom e who can t each you t he keys t o t heir
effect iveness? Do you need t o get a second j ob in order t o earn t his kind of incom e? What skills do you
need t o hone in order t o achieve it ? Do you need t o st art saving m ore t han you spend, and invest t he
difference so t hat your incom e can flow from m ore t han j ust your work? Do you need t o st art a new
vent ure? What resources do you really need t o gat her?
Rem em ber, you need t o experience t he feeling of achieving your t op one- year goals in each of t he four
cat egories at least once a day. I deally, you'll look at t hem once in t he m orning and once at night .
Review your ent ire list every six m ont hs t o ensure t hat your goals st ay vit al. You m ay want t o go
t hrough t he brainst orm ing process again in order t o creat e som e new goals, and I 'm sure you'll want
t o add and delet e goals as your life t akes on excit ing new shape.
An addit ional dist inct ion t hat 's crit ical for long- t erm success is t hat achieving our goals can be a curse
unless we have already set up a new set of higher goals before we reach t he first . As soon as you find
yourself about t o achieve a goal, you need t o m ake sure t hat you design t he next set of goals
im m ediat ely. Ot herwise you'll experience som et hing we all need t o avoid: out running our dream . How
m any t im es have we read about people who achieve t heir ult im at e life goals only t o say, " I s t hat all
t here is?" because t hey feel t hey have no place t o go from t he t op?
A classic exam ple of t his is several Apollo ast ronaut s who prepar ed t heir ent ire lives for t he ult im at e
m ission: t o land on t he m oon. When t hey finally did it t hey were euphoric, but aft er ret urning t o eart h,
som e of t hem developed a level of em ot ional depression beyond what m ost people could im agine.
Aft er all, t here was now not hing t o look forward t o. What could be a bigger goal t han m aking it t o t he
m oon, doing t he im possible, and exploring out er space? Maybe t he answer is in exploring t he equally
unchart ed front ier of inner space of our m inds, our heart s, and our souls.
I 've heard about young wom en who plan t heir weddings for m ont hs, som et im es years, pouring all of
t heir creat ivit y, resources, and even ident it y, int o a perfect fairyt ale fant asy. They pin all t heir hopes
and dream s on what t hey expect will be a once- in- a- lifet im e event . Aft er t he glow wears off, t he young
bride, like t he ast ronaut , feels let down. How do you follow up t he peak m om ent of your life? She
needs t o look forward t o t he m ore im port ant , never- ending advent ure of building a relat ionship.
How do people achieve t heir heart 's desire and st ill feel t he excit em ent and passion t hat com e from
aim ing t oward a goal? As t hey approach what t hey've pursued for so long, t hey im m ediat ely est ablish
a new set of com pelling goals. This guarant ees a sm oot h t ransit ion from com plet ion t o new inspirat ion
and a cont inued com m it m ent t o growt h.
Wit hout t hat com m it m ent , we'll do what 's necessary t o feel sat isfied, but never vent ure out side our
com fort zones. That 's when we lose our drive: we lose our desire t o expand, and we begin t o st agnat e.
Oft en people die em ot ional and spirit ual deat hs long before t hey ever leave t heir physical
bodies. The way t o break out of t his t rap is t o realize t hat cont ribut ion m ay be t he ult im at e goal.
Finding a way t o help ot hers—t hose w e care about deeply—can inspire us for a lifet im e. There is
always a place in t he world for t hose who are willing t o give of t heir t im e, energy, capit al, creat ivit y,
and com m it m ent .
Consider Robin William s, for exam ple. Here is a m an who has a great advant age over his lat e friend
John Belushi because he has discovered a way t o m ake sure he never runs out of goals. Robin and his
friends, Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Cryst al, have found a m ission t hat will cont inually t ap t heir great est
resources: helping t he hom eless. Arnold Schwarzenegger has found a sim ilar em ot ional reward in his
relat ionship wit h t he Special Olym pics and t he President 's Council on Physical Fit ness. All t hese
successful people have learned t hat t here's not hing quit e so com pelling as a feeling of sincere
cont ribut ion.
Make sure your next level of dream s will cont inually pull you forward in a const ant , never- ending
search for im provem ent . A com m it m ent t o CANI ! is t ruly t he universal insurance policy for life- long
happiness. Rem em ber t hat a com pelling fut ure is t he food on which our souls t hrive—we all need a
cont inued sense of em ot ional and spirit ual growt h.
PROGRAM YOURSELF FOR SUCCESS
Now t hat you have goals t hat t ruly inspire you, t hat will drive you forward, you've got t o m ake t hem
so com pelling t hat t hey feel real in your nervous syst em . How do you develop t hat ironclad sense of
cert aint y? First , clear away any roadblocks by figuring out up front what could possibly prevent you,
and deal wit h t hem now rat her t han fift y m iles down t he road. Then, m ake com m it m ent s t o people you
know will hold you t o your higher st andard. Reinforce your new neural pat hways by cont inuous
rehearsal, wit h repet it ion and em ot ional int ensit y. I m agine your goals vividly again and again.
I ncorporat e t he visual, audit ory, and kinest het ic elem ent s t hat will m ake your goal a realit y!
TH E ULTI M ATE LESSON
The m ost im port ant lesson in t his chapt er is t hat a com pelling fut ure creat es a dynam ic sense of
growt h. Wit hout t his, we're only half alive. A com pelling fut ure is not an accessory, but a necessit y. I t
allows us not only t o achieve, but t o part ake of t he deep sense of j oy, cont ribut ion, and growt h t hat
gives m eaning t o life it self.
" W h e r e t h e r e is n o vision , t h e pe ople pe r ish ... ."
PROVERBS, 2 9 :1 8
I rem em ber reading about t he ast ounding num ber of people in t his count ry who die wit hin t hree years
of ret iring, which proves t o m e t hat if you lose t he sense t hat you are producing or cont ribut ing in
som e way, you lit erally lose t he will t o live, and t hat if you do have a reason t o hang on, you will. I n
fact , st udies have found t hat elderly or ill people who are close t o deat h oft en hang on unt il j ust aft er
t he holidays. As long as t hey had som et hing like Christ m as and t he fam ily visit t o look forward t o, t hey
had a reason t o live, but aft er it passed, t hey had no com pelling fut ure. This phenom enon isn't t rue
only of our own count ry; it 's been not ed in cult ures around t he world. For exam ple, in China t he deat h
rat e drops off right before and during m aj or fest ivals, and picks up again as soon as t he fest ivals are
over.
I t doesn't m at t er if you're eight een or eight y—you'll st ill need som et hing t o drive you forward. The
inspirat ion you seek is found wit hin, wait ing t o be called upon by an unforeseen challenge or inspired
request .
Colonel Harlan Sanders found it at age sixt y- five, when his m eager Social Securit y check arrived. His
anger drove him t o act ion. We don't have t o wait for an event in order t o have t he inspirat ion. We can
design it .
Venerable funnym an George Bum s underst ands t he im port ance and power of a com pelling fut ure.
When asked t o sum up his philosophy of life, he once replied, " You have t o have som et hing t o get you
out of bed. I can't do anyt hing in bed, anyway. The m ost im port ant t hing is t o have a point , a direct ion
you're headed." * Now in his ninet ies, he's st ill sharpening his wit , st ill t aking on m ovie and TV proj ect s,
and I recent ly heard t hat he booked him self at t he London Palladium in t he year 2000, when he'll be
104 year s old—how's t hat for creat ing a com pelling fut ure?!
Use your power. You now know what t o do t o inspire yourself. I t 's t im e t o do it . I f you've read t his
chapt er passively up unt il now, go back and do t he exercises. They're fun, and t hey're easy. First , get
your list of your t op four one- year goals. Second, get clear on t he " why." Third, develop t he rit ual of
reviewing your goals and rehearsing t he j oy of t heir achievem ent daily for t en days. Fourt h, surround
yourself wit h role m odels and t hose who can help you develop a plan t hat will guide you in m aking it
all real. Each of t hese st eps will help you t o program your RAS and sensit ize you t o all t he possible
resources you can incorporat e t o bring your goals t o fruit ion. This consist ent review will also provide
for you t he sense of cert aint y t hat you need t o get yourself t o t ake act ion. So let 's t urn t o t he next
chapt er, and let m e share wit h you a way t o break up any obst acles t hat would st op you by t aking
on ...
13
THE TEN- DAY MENTAL CHALLENGE
" Habit is eit her t he best of servant s or t he worst of m ast ers."
NATHANI EL EMMONS
Consist ency . .. I sn't t his what we're all aft er? We don't want t o creat e result s once in a while. We
don't want t o feel j oyous j ust / or t he m om ent . We don't want t o be at our best sporadically. The m ark
of a cham pion is consist ency—and t rue consist ency is est ablished by our habit s. I 'm sure you realize
by now t hat I didn't writ e t his book j ust t o help you m ake a few dist inct ions. Nor is it designed t o
inspire you wit h a few st ories or share wit h you a bit of int erest ing inform at ion t hat you m ight use
every now and t hen t o creat e a lit t le " personal developm ent ." This book—and m y ent ire life—is
dedicat ed t o producing a m easurable increase in t he qualit y of our lives.
This can be accom plished only t hrough a new pat t er n of t aking m assive act ion. The t rue value t o an
individual of any new st rat egy or skill is in direct proport ion t o t he frequency of it s use. As I 've said so
m any t im es, knowing what t o do is not enough: you m ust do what you know. This chapt er is designed
t o assist you in est ablishing habit s of excellence—t he pat t erns of focus t hat will help you m axim ize t he
im pact you have on yourself and ot hers.
I n order t o t ake our lives t o t he next level, however, we m ust realize t hat t he sam e pat t ern of t hinking
t hat has got t en us t o where we are will not get us t o where we want t o go. One of t he biggest
challenges I see in bot h individuals and corporat ions is t hat t hey resist change ( t heir great est ally) ,
j ust ifying t heir act ions by point ing out t hat t heir current behavior is what got t hem t o t he level of
success t hat t hey now enj oy. This is absolut ely t rue and, in realit y, a new level of t hinking is now
required in order t o exper ience a new level of personal and professional success.
To do t his, we m ust once and for all break t hrough t he barriers of our fear and t ake cont rol of t he
focus of our m inds. Our old pat t erns of allowing our m inds t o be enslaved by t he problem s of t he
m om ent m ust be broken once and for all. I n t heir place, we m ust est ablish t he lifelong com m it m ent t o
focus on t he solut ions and t o enj oy t he process. Throughout t his book you've learned a wealt h of
powerful t ools and st rat egies t o m ake your life richer, fuller, m ore j oyous and excit ing. But if you j ust
read t his book and fail t o use it , it 's like buying a powerful new com put er and never t aking it out of t he
box, or buying a Ferrari and t hen let t ing it sit out in your driveway, collect ing dust and grim e.
So let m e offer you a sim ple plan for int errupt ing your old pat t erns of t hinking, feeling, and behaving,
a way t hat can help you condit ion t hese new, em powering alt ernat ives and m ake t hem absolut ely
consist ent .
Years ago, I found m yself caught up in a pat t ern of frust rat ion and anger. I seem ed t o have problem s
everywhere I t urned. At t hat point , t hinking posit ively was not high on m y list of solut ions. Aft er all, I
was being " int elligent ," and int elligent people don't m ake t hings look posit ive when t hey aren't ! I had
plent y of people around m e who suppor t ed t his idea ( and t hey were equally frust rat ed wit h t heir lives,
as well! ) . I n realit y, at t he t im e I was being incredibly negat ive and seeing t hings worse t han t hey
were. I was using m y pessim ism as a shield. I t was m y feeble at t em pt at prot ect ing m yself from t he
pain of failed expect at ions: I 'd do anyt hing t o keep from being disappoint ed once again. But in
adopt ing t his pat t ern, t his sam e barrier t hat kept m e out of pain also kept m e out of pleasure. I t
barred m e from solut ions and sealed m e in a t om b of em ot ional deat h where one never experiences
t oo m uch pain or t oo m uch pleasure, and where one cont inuously j ust ifies one's lim it ed act ions by
st at ing t hey're " j ust being realist ic."
I n t rut h, life is a balance. I f we allow ourselves t o becom e t he kind of people who refuse t o see t he
weeds t hat are t aking root in our gardens, our delusions will dest roy us. Equally dest ruct ive, however,
is what happens t o t hose people who, out of fear, const ant ly im agine t he gar den overgrown and
choked wit h int ract able weeds. The leader's pat h is one of balance. He not es t he weeds wit h a sm ile
upon his face, knowing t hat t he weeds' visit t o t he garden is all but over—because he's spot t ed t hem ,
he can and will im m ediat ely act t o rem ove t hem .
We don't hav e t o feel negat ive about weeds. They're part of life. Weneed t o see t hem , acknowledge
t hem , focus on t he solut ion, and im m ediat ely do what ever it t akes t o elim inat e t heir influence from our
lives. Pret ending t hey're not t here won't m ake t hings bet t er; neit her will becom ing inflam ed wit h
anger by t heir presence nor devast at ed by fear. Their cont inual at t em pt t o be part of your garden is a
fact of life. Sim ply rem ove t hem . And do it in an em ot ional st at e of playfulness or j oy while you're
get t ing t he j ob done; ot herwise you'll spend t he r est of your life being upset , because I can prom ise
you one t hing: t here will be m ore " weeds" t hat cont inue t o com e up. And unless you want t o live in
react ion t o t he world every t im e problem s occur, you need t o rem em ber t hat t hey're act ually an
im port ant part of life. They keep you vigorous, t hey keep you st r ong, t hey keep you vigilant in not icing
what needs t o be done t o keep t he gar den of your life healt hy and rich.
We need t o pract ice t his sam e approach in weeding t he gardens of our m inds. We have t o be able t o
not ice when we st art t o have a negat ive pat t ern—not beat ourselves up about it , and not dwell on it —
but sim ply break t he pat t erns as quickly as we discover t hem , and replace t hem wit h t he new seeds of
m ent al, em ot ional, physical, financial, spirit ual, and professional success. How do we break t hese
pat t erns when t hey show up? Sim ply rem em ber t he st eps of NAC you learned in Chapt er 6.
1) You need t o decide what you do want . I f you really want t o feel a sense of passion, j oy, and cont rol
over your life—which obviously you m ust , or you wouldn't be reading t his now—t hen you know what
you want .
2) You've got t o get leverage on yourself. I f you read t his whole book and don't est ablish any new
pat t erns, wouldn't t hat be an unbelievable wast e of t im e? I n cont rast , how will you feel as you t ruly
use what you've learned t o t ake im m ediat e cont rol of your m ind, body, em ot ions, finances, and
relat ionships? Let your desire t o avoid pain and induce m assive pleasure drive you t o m ake t he
changes necessary t o t ake your life t o t he next level now. I n order t o accom plish t his, you m ust . . .
3) I nt errupt t he lim it ing pat t ern. The best way I know t o do t his is t o sim ply go on a " Ment al Diet " —
t hat is, t ake a set period of t im e and t ake conscious cont rol of all your t hought s. A Ment al Diet is an
opport unit y t o elim inat e t he negat ive and dest ruct ive pat t erns of t hinking and feeling t hat inevit ably
com e from living life in an em ot ionally react ionary and m ent ally undisciplined fashion. I com m it t ed
m yself t o such a m ent al cleansing alm ost eight years ago, and found it t o be a very profound and
invaluable process.
I cam e across t he idea in a sm all pam phlet by Em m et Fox 96 . I n it , he expounded upon t he value of
spending sev en days wit hout ever holding a negat ive t hought . The idea seem ed so Pollyanna, so
ridiculously sim ple, t hat at first I t hought t he whole concept was a t ot al wast e of t im e. But as he began
t o lay out t he rules of t his diet he was prescribing t o cleanse t he m ent al syst em , I began t o realize it
m ight be m ore difficult t han I t hought . The challenge int rigued m e, and t he final result s ast ounded m e.
I 'd like t o broaden t he challenge Mr. Fox creat ed in 1935 and ex pand it as a t ool t hat can help you
int egrat e t he m ast er t ools of change t hat you've been learning t hus far in t his book, beginning t oday.
Here's your opport unit y now t o really apply all t he new disciplines you've learned in t he previous
chapt ers. My challenge t o you is sim ply t his:
For t h e n e x t t e n da ys, be gin n in g im m e dia t e ly, com m it t o t a k in g fu ll con t r ol of a ll you r
m e n t a l a n d e m ot ion a l fa cu lt ie s by de cidin g r igh t n ow t h a t you w ill n ot in du lge in or dw e ll on
a n y u n r e sou r ce fu l t h ou gh t s or e m ot ion s for t e n con se cu t ive da ys.
I t sounds easy, doesn't it ? And I 'm sure it could be. But t hose who begin it are frequent ly surprised t o
discover how oft en t heir brains are engaged in nonproduct ive, fearful, worrisom e, or dest r uct ive
t hinking.
Why would we cont inually indulge in m ent al and em ot ional pat t erns t hat creat e unnecessar y st ress in
our lives? The answer is sim ple: we act ually t hink it helps! Many people live in a st at e of worry. I n
order t o accom plish t his st at e, t hey cont inually focus and dwell on t he worst possible scenario. Why
would t hey do t his? Because t hey believe it will get t hem t o do som et hing—t o t ake act ion. But t he
t rut h of t he m at t er is t hat worry usually put s a person in an ext rem ely unresourceful em ot ional st at e.
I t doesn't usually em power us t o t ake act ion, but rat her, it t ends t o cause us t o becom e ov erwhelm ed
wit h frust rat ion or fear.
Yet , using som e of t he sim plest t ools in t his book, you could change your worried st at e im m ediat ely by
focusing on a solut ion. You could ask yourself a bet t er quest ion like, " What do I need t o do right now
t o m ake t his bet t er?" Or y ou could change your st at e by changing t he vocabulary you use t o describe
t he sensat ions you're feeling: from " worried" t o " a lit t le bit concerned."
I n essence, if you decide t o accept m y Ten- Day Challenge, it m eans t hat you've com m it t ed t o put t ing
yourself and keeping yourself in a passionat ely posit ive st at e, no m at t er what happens. I t m eans t hat
if you find yourself in any unresourceful em ot ional st at es, you'll inst ant aneously change your
physiology or focus int o a resourceful st at e regardless of your desires of t he m om ent . For exam ple, if
som eone does som et hing t hat you believe is dest ruct ive or even hat eful t oward you, and you begin
t o find yourself becom ing angry, you m ust im m ediat ely change your em ot ional st at e, regardless of t he
sit uat ion, during t hese t en consecut ive days.
Again, rem em ber t hat you have a m ult it ude of strat egies for changing your st at e. You could ask
yourself a m ore em power ing quest ion like, " What could I learn from t his?" or " What 's gr eat about t his
96
Fox, Em m et , The Seven- Day Ment al Diet , Marina del Rey: DeVorss & Co. Publishers, © 1935
sit uat ion, and what 's not yet perfect ?" These quest ions will lead you int o resourceful st at es where
you'll find solut ions inst ead of dwelling on and habit ually running t he cycle of increased anger and
frust rat ion. How m any ot her ways could you change your st at e if you were really com m it t ed?
Rem em ber, our goal is not t o ignore t he problem s of life, but t o put ourselves in bet t er m ent al and
em ot ional st at es where w e can not only com e up wit h solut ions, but act upon t hem . Those people who
focus on what t hey can't cont rol are cont inually disem powered. Yes, it 's t rue, we can't cont rol t he wind
or t he rain or t he ot her vagaries of weat her, but we can t ack our sails in a way t hat allows us t o shape
t he direct ion of our lives.
When I first considered going on Fox's m ent al diet , I believed t hat st aying posit ive would get m e hurt .
Aft er all, I had been posit ive in t he past , and m y expect at ions weren't m et . I had felt devast at ed.
Event ually, t hough, I found t hat by changing m y focus I was able t o t ake m ore cont rol of m y life by
avoiding t he problem st at e and im m ediat ely focusing on solut ions. My request s for inner answers were
quickly m et when I was in a resourceful st at e.
Every great , successful person I know shares t he capacit y t o rem ain cent ered, clear and powerful in
t he m idst of em ot ional " st orm s." How do t hey accom plish t his? Most of t hem have a fundam ent al rule:
I n life, never spend m or e t han 10 percent of your t im e on t he pr oblem , and spend at least 90 percent
of your t im e on t he solut ion. Most im port ant , don't sweat t he sm all st uff. . . and rem em ber , it 's all
sm all st uff!
I f you decide t hat you're going t o t ake on m y Ten- Day Challenge—and I sense you will, since you've
m ade it t his far in t he book—t hen realize t hat for t he next t en days, you're going t o spend 100 percent
of your t im e on solut ions, and no t im e on problem s!
But won't t his m ake t he problem s worse? " I f I don't worry about m y problem s, won't t hey get out of
cont rol?" I seriously doubt it . Ten days of focusing ent irely upon solut ions, on what 's great in your life,
on what works and how lucky you are will not m ake your problem s worse. But t hese new pat t erns m ay
m ake you so st rong t hat what you once t hought was a problem m ay disappear as you assum e a new
ident it y of an unst oppable and j oyous hum an being.
There ar e four sim ple yet im port ant rules t o t his Ten- Day Challenge.
So if you're going t o t ake it on, rem em ber t he following:
TH E TEN - D AY M EN TAL CH ALLEN GE—RULES OF TH E GAM E
Ru le 1 . I n t he next t en consecut ive days, refuse t o dwell on any unresourceful t hought s or feelings.
Refuse t o indulge in any disem powering quest ions or devit alizing vocabulary or m et aphors.
Ru le 2 . When you cat ch yourself beginning t o focus on t he negat ive—and you cert ainly will—you are
t o im m ediat ely use t he t echniques you've learned t o redirect your focus t oward a bet t er em ot ional
st at e. Specifically, use t he Problem - Solving Quest ions97 as your first line of at t ack; for exam ple:
" What 's gr eat about t his? What 's not perfect yet ?" Rem em ber, by asking a quest ion like, "What 's not
97
The Problem - Solving Quest ions, Morning Power Quest ions, and Evening Power Quest ions are
all list ed in Chapt er 8
perfect yet ?," you're presupposing t hat t hings will be perfect . This will change your st at e. I t doesn't
ignore t he problem , but it keeps you in t he right st at e while you ident ify what needs t o be changed.
I n addit ion, set yourself up for success each m orning for t he next t en days by asking yourself t he
Morning Power Quest ions. You can do t hem before y ou get out of bed or while you're in t he shower,
but m ake sure you do t hem right away. This will focus you in t he direct ion of est ablishing em powering
m ent al and em ot ional pat t erns each day as you awake. I n t he evening, use t he Evening Power
Quest ions, or any quest ions you believe will put you in a great st at e before you drop off t o sleep.
Ru le 3 . For t he next t en consecut ive days, m ake cert ain t hat your whole focus in life is on solut ions
and not on problem s. The m inut e you see a possible challenge, im m ediat ely focus on what t he solut ion
could be.
Ru le 4 . I f you backslide—t hat is, if you cat ch yourself indulging in or dwelling on an unresourceful
t hought or feeling—don't beat yourself up. There's no problem wit h t his as long as you change
im m ediat ely. However, if you cont inue t o dwell on unresourceful t hought s or feelings for any
m easurable lengt h of t im e, you m ust wait unt il t he following m orning and st art t he t en day s over. The
goal of t his program is t en consecut ive days wit hout holding or dwelling on a negat ive t hought . This
st art ing- over process m ust happen no m at t er how m any days in a row you've already accom plished
t he t ask.
Th e Te n - D a y M e n t a l Ch a lle n ge
You m ay ask, " How long can I focus on t he negat ive before it 's considered 'dwelling'?" To m e, one
m inut e of cont inual focus on, and em ot ional at t achm ent t o, what 's wrong is dwelling. One m inut e is
m ore t han enough t im e for us t o be able t o cat ch ourselves and creat e a change. Our whole goal is t o
cat ch t he m onst er while it 's lit t le. Cert ainly, wit hin t went y t o fort y seconds you know if you're being
negat ive about som et hing.
I f I were you, t hough, I 'd give m yself up t o a m axim um of t wo m inut es t o not ice t he challenge and
begin t o change your st at e. Two m inut es is cert ainly enough t im e t o ident ify t hat you're in a negat ive
st at e. Break t he pat t ern. I f you allow yourself t o go as long as five m inut es or m ore, you'll find t he
Ment al Challenge won't accom plish it s t ask; inst ead, you'll j ust learn t o vent your em ot ions m ore
quickly. The goal is t o knock t hings out before you ever get in a negat ive em ot ional st at e in
t he first place.
When I first t ried t his exercise, aft er doing it for t hree days I got caught up and angry about
som et hing and indulged for about five m inut es in negat ive em ot ions before I realized what I was doing.
I had t o st art all over. On m y second t r ip t hrough, on t he sixt h day, I ran int o som e m aj or challenges,
but at t his point I was com m it t ed. I wasn't about t o st art over again! So I im m ediat ely found m yself
focusing on t he solut ion.
The benefit , as you can guess, was not j ust st aying wit h m y m ent al diet , but I began condit ioning
m yself for a t rem endous, lifelong pat t er n of st aying in a posit ive em ot ional st at e, even when t here
were challenges around m e, and focusing t he m aj orit y of m y energy on solut ions.
To t his day, even when I hear about problem s, as you've probably not iced, I t end t o call t hem
challenges. I don't dwell on t hem , and I im m ediat ely focus on how I can convert t he challenge int o an
opport unit y.
" We first m ake our habit s, and t hen our habit s m ake us."
JOHN DRYDEN
You m ay decide t hat while you're t aking t his Ment al Challenge you m ay want t o cleanse your body as
well. I n Unlim it ed Power I issued a t en- day physical challenge. Com bining bot h t he t en- day Living
Healt h Vit alit y Challenge wit h t he t en- day Ment al Challenge can produce powerful result s t hat can t ake
your life t o anot her level in t he next t en days. By com m it t ing and following t hrough on t his Ment al
Challenge, you'll be giving yourself a break from lim it ing habit s and flexing t he m uscles of
em powerm ent . You'll be sending your brain a new m essage and com m anding new result s. You will be
dem anding em powering em ot ions, enriching t hought s, inspiring quest ions.
Wit h a clear- cut m oving- away idea ( t he pain of st art ing over) you are giving your brain st rong signals
t o search for em powering pat t erns. By set t ing a higher st andard for what t hought s you'll allow your
m ind t o dwell on, you'll begin t o not ice t he garbage and dest ruct ive pat t erns y ou used t o blindly or
lazily accept from yourself. And as a result , you'll find it difficult t o ever go back t o t he old ways again.
The st arkness of t his approach will cause you t o rem em ber t hese pat t erns in t he fut ure and m ake it
difficult t o go back t o t he old pat t erns again.
A word of caut ion: Don't begin t his t en- day com m it m ent unless and unt il you are cert ain t hat you are
going t o live by it for t he full lengt h of t im e. I f you don't st art out wit h a sense of com m it m ent , you
cert ainly won't m ake it t hrough t he t en days. This is not a challenge for t he weak at heart . This is only
for t hose who are really com m it t ed t o condit ioning t heir nervous syst em s for new, em powering
em ot ional pat t erns t hat can t ake t heir lives t o t he next level.
Have you decided yet whet her you're going t o do t his? Think about it carefully before com m it t ing
yourself, because once you do, you need t o hold yourself t o your word and experience t he j oy t hat
com es wit h a disciplined effort . I f your answer is yes, for t he next t en days you'll be t aking t he t hings
you've learned int ellect ually up unt il now and m aking t hem part of your daily experience of life. These
t en days will help you use t he NAC t echnology t o condit ion yourself for success. You'll be asking new
quest ions, using Transform at ional Vocabulary and m ore em pow ering global m et aphors, and inst ant ly
changing your focus and physiology.
Let 's face it , we all have our indulgences in life. I f you're overweight , your indulgences m ay be
chocolat e fudge sundaes or double- cheese pizza. When you diet , you say t o yourself, "Enough is
enough. This is where I dr aw t he line." You hold yourself t o a higher st andar d and enj oy t he selfest eem t hat com es wit h t hat single, sm all, disciplined act . But we all have our m ent al indulgences, t oo.
Som e people feel sorry for t hem selves.
Som e get angry in a way t hat subvert s t heir own best int erest s. Som e of us fail t o focus on t he t hings
t hat need at t ent ion. My challenge t o you is t o decide t hat for t en days, you will not allow yourself a
single one of t hese dest ruct ive m ent al indulgences.
What st ands in t he way of j ust deciding t o banish t hem ? Three t hings, really. One is laziness. A lot of
people know what t hey should do, but never quit e get up t he energy t o do it . Many know t heir lives
could be som et hing m ore, yet t hey're sit t ing in front of t he t ube, eat ing j unk food, depriving t heir
m inds and bodies of t he fuel t hey need t o spark new growt h.
The second obst acle is fear. All t oo oft en, t he securit y of a m ediocre present is m ore com fort able t han
t he advent ur e of t rying t o be m ore in t he fut ure. So m any people get t o t he end of t heir lives
wondering what could have been—don't let t his happen t o you.
The t hird challenge is force of habit . We have our old em ot ional pat t erns: t he deadening force of
rout ine. Like a plane on aut om at ic pilot , our brain dredges up t he sam e old responses it always has.
We face an obst acle and see t he problem inst ead of t he solut ion. We suffer a reversal and feel sorry
for ourselves inst ead of deciding how t o learn from it . We m ake a m ist ake and see it as som e sort of
baleful j udgm ent on what we can't do, inst ead of deciding t o learn from it and m ove forward. This
exercise is a way t o get beyond all t hree and produce last ing changes wit h benefit s t hat can m ult iply
over t im e. This is your opport unit y t o m ake a t rue com m it m ent t o CANI !
This Ten- Day Challenge is not easy. I f you habit ually feel sorry for yourself, it 's not easy t o st op. I f
you're focusing on financial pressure, operat ing out of fear won't m ake it any bet t er. I f you blam e your
spouse for ev eryt hing t hat goes wrong in your life, t he easy t hing is t o keep doing it . I f you m ask your
insecurit ies by being angry all t he t im e, if you wallow in guilt , if you blam e your looks or your financial
sit uat ion or your upbringing for all your problem s, it 's not easy t o change. But you already have so
m any t ools t o im prove your life. This is m y challenge t o you t o st art using t hem .
Believe m e, t he power inherent in t his lit t le exercise is am azing. I f you st ick wit h it , it will do four
t hings for you. First , it will m ake you acut ely aware of all t he habit ual m ent al pat t erns t hat hold you
back. Second, it will m ake your brain search for em powering alt ernat ives t o t hem .
Third, it will give you an incredible j olt of confidence as you see t hat you can t urn your life around.
Fourt h, and m ost im port ant ly, it will creat e new habit s, new st andards, and new expect at ions t hat will
help you expand m ore t han you could ever believe.
Success is processional. I t 's t he result of a series of sm all disciplines t hat lead us int o habit ual pat t erns
of success t hat no longer require consist ent will or effort . Like a freight t rain picking up speed, t his
exercise in doing t hings right consciously, in erasing t he pat t erns t hat hold you back and inst alling new
ones t hat can propel you forward, will give you a sense of m om ent um like very few t hings you've done
in your life.
The great news about t his is t hat , unlike a diet where you st arve yourself and event ually have t o go
back t o eat ing, your old pat t ern of finding t he negat ive is not one you ever have t o ret urn t o again.
This m ay not be a t en- day exercise in t he end. I t 's r eally an opport unit y for you t o becom e " addict ed"
t o a posit ive focus for t he rest of your life. But if, aft er banishing your t oxic m ent al pat t erns for t en
days, you want t o ret urn, be m y guest . The t rut h is t hat once you experience life in t his m ent ally vit al
and alive way, going back would disgust you. But if you ever find yourself get t ing off t rack, you have
t he t ools t o im m ediat ely put yourself back on t he high road again.
Rem em ber, t hough, only you can m ake t his t en- day Ment al Challenge work. Only you can m ake t he
com m it m ent t o really follow t hrough.
You m ight consider get t ing ext ra leverage on yourself t o m ake cert ain you follow t hrough. One way of
providing yourself ext ra incent ive is t o announce t o t he people around you what you're com m it t ing t o,
or find a part ner who want s t o t ake on t his t en- day Ment al Challenge wit h you.
I n addit ion, it would be ideal for you t o keep a writ t en j ournal while you're m eet ing t he t en- day Ment al
Challenge, writ ing your experiences each day and recording how you successfully dealt wit h t hose
various challenges. I t hink you'll find it invaluable t o review lat er on.
Finally, one of t he m ost valuable t ook in creat ing a change is not j ust int errupt ing your old pat t ern, but
replacing it wit h som et hing new. What you m ay decide t o com m it t o doing is som et hing I do on an
ongoing basis t hroughout m y life: becom e a reader.
LEAD ERS ARE READ ERS
Years ago, one of m y t eachers, Jim Rohn, t aught m e t hat reading som et hing of subst ance, som et hing
of value, som et hing t hat was nurt uring, som et hing t hat t aught you new dist inct ions every day, was
m ore im port ant t han eat ing. He got m e hooked on t he idea of reading a m inim um of t hirt y m inut es a
day. He said, " Miss a m eal, but don't m iss your reading."
I 've found t his t o be one of t he m ost valuable dist inct ions in m y life. So while you're cleansing your
syst em of t he old, you m ight want t o be em powering it by cont inuing t o read t he new. And t here are
plent y of pages of valuable insight and st rat egy ahead of you t hat you can be ut ilizing during t hese t en
days.
I f you've learned anyt hing from t his book, it 's t he power of decisions. You're at a crit ical point in our
j ourney t oget her. You've learned a variet y of fundam ent al st rat egies and dist inct ions t hat can now be
used t o powerfully and posit ively shape your life. My quest ion t o you right now is: Have you m ade t he
decision t o use t hem ? Don't you owe it t o yourself t o m ake t he m ost out of what t his book has t o offer
you? This is one of t he m ost im port ant ways t o follow t hrough. Com m it now t o do t his only as quickly
as you're com m it t ed t o living t he qualit y of life t hat you once only dream ed of.
So realize t hat t his chapt er is m y personal challenge t o you. I t 's an opport unit y and an invit at ion t o
dem and m ore from yourself t han ot her people would ever expect , and t o reap t he rewards t hat com e
from t his com m it m ent . I t 's a t im e t o put in pract ice what you've learned. But it 's also a t im e t o decide
whet her you're willing t o m ake t he com m it m ent t o m ake som e sim ple yet powerful im provem ent s in
your life. I know t hat 's what you desire. I f you need evidence t hat you can do it , I sincerely believe
t his chapt er will provide it —if you're willing t o go for it full out .
At t his point , you're ready t o m ove on t o t he next sect ion of t his book. You've learned t he fundam ent al
t ools for shaping your life by m aking decisions. But now let 's st udy t he Mast er Syst em t hat 's
cont rolling every decision you m ake t hroughout your life. Underst anding t he basis of your own
personal philosophy is accom plished by ...
PART 2
TAKI NG CONTROL
THE MASTER SYSTEM
14
ULTI MATE I NFLUENCE: YOUR MASTER SYSTEM
" Elem ent ary, m y dear Wat son ..."
WI TH APOLOGI ES TO SI R ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE
One of t he t hings I love m ost about what I do is t he opport unit y t o unravel 98 t he m yst ery of hum an
behavior and t hereby t o offer solut ions t hat t ruly m ake a difference in t he qualit y of people's lives. I 'm
fascinat ed t o probe below t he surface t o find out t he " why" behind a person's behavior, t o discover
t heir core beliefs, quest ions, m et aphors, references and values. Because m y fort e is being able t o
produce im m ediat e and m easurable result s, out of necessit y I 've learned how t o quickly locat e key
leverage point s for facilit at ing change. Every day, I get t o live t he role of Sherlock Holm es, sleut hing 99
m inut e det ails t o piece t oget her t he j igsaw 100 puzzle of each person's unique experience—I guess you
could say t hat I 'm a very privat e det ect ive! There are t ellt ale clues t o hum an behavior j ust as blat ant
as t he sm oking gun.
Som et im es t he clues101 are a lit t le m ore subt le, and it t akes furt her invest igat ion t o uncover t hem .
However, as diverse as hum an behavior is, one of t he t hings t hat has allowed m e t o do what I do so
successfully is t hat ult im at ely it all com es down t o cert ain pat t er ns m ade up of specific key elem ent s.
I f you and I have a grasp of t hese organizing principles, t hen we are em powered not only t o influence
people for posit ive change, but also t o underst and why t hey do what t hey do.
Underst anding t he Mast er Syst em t hat direct s all hum an behavior is as m uch a science as are
chem ist ry and physics, governed by pr edict able laws and pat t erns of act ion and react ion. You can t hink
of your own Mast er Syst em —t he five com ponent s t hat det erm ine how you evaluat e everyt hing t hat
happens in your life—as a kind of Periodic Table, de- t ailing t he elem ent s of hum an behavior. Just as
all physical m at t er breaks down t o t he sam e basic unit s, so does t he process of hum an behavior t o
one who knows what t o look for. I t 's t he com binat ion and st ruct ure—how we use t hese elem ent s—t hat
m akes each of us unique. Som e m ixt ures are volat ile and produce explosive result s. Ot her
com binat ions neut ralize, som e cat alyze, and som e paralyze.
Bom barded as we are wit h t he count less t hings t hat happen t o us every day, m ost of us don't even
realize t hat we have a personal philosophy, m uch less t he power it has t o direct our evaluat ions of
what t hings m ean t o us. The second sect ion of t his book is dedicat ed t o assist ing you
in t aking direct cont rol of your Mast er Syst em of evaluat ion—t he force t hat cont rols t he way you feel
and what you do every m om ent of your life.
98
u n r a ve l ( besonders Brt . - ll- , Am . - l- ) ( sich) auft rennen ( Pullover und so weit er) ; ent wirren
sle u t h um gangsspr achlich Spürhund m ännlich, Det ekt iv m ännlich
100
j igsa w Laubsäge j igsa w pu zzle Puzzle( spiel)
101
clu e Anhalt spunkt , Fingerzeig, Spur
99
Underst anding t he Mast er Syst em of ot hers allows you t o im m ediat ely get t o t he essence of a person,
whet her it 's your spouse, your child, your boss or business part ner, even t he people you m eet every
day. Wouldn't t his be one of t he great est gift s you could ever receive: t o be able t o know what is
driving all t he people who are m ost im port ant t o you—including yourself? Wouldn't it be great t o get
beyond any upset s or challenges wit h som eone and underst and why t hey're behaving t his way—and
t hen, wit hout j udgm ent , t o be able t o im m ediat ely reconnect wit h who t hey really are?
Wit h children, we usually rem em ber t hat crankiness indicat es a need for a nap, rat her t han a sour
disposit ion. I n a m arriage, it 's especially im port ant t o be able t o see t hrough t he day- t o- day st resses
so t hat you can support each ot her and nurt ure t he bond t hat br ought you t oget her in t he first place.
I f your spouse is feeling pressure from work, and is vent ing his or her frust rat ion, it doesn't m ean t hat
your m arriage is over, but it 's a sign t o be m ore at t ent ive and t o put your focus on suppor t ing t his
person you love. Aft er all, you wouldn't j udge t he st ock m arket based solely on one day when t he
Dow- Jones Average plunges t went y point s. By t he sam e t oken, you can't j udge a person's charact er by
one isolat ed incident . Pe ople a r e n ot t h e ir be h a vior s.
The key t o underst anding people is t o underst and t heir Mast er Syst em s so you can appreciat e t heir
individual, syst em at ic way of reasoning. W e a ll h a ve a syst e m or pr oce dur e t h a t w e go t h r ou gh
in or de r t o de t e r m in e w h a t t h in gs m e a n t o u s a n d w h a t w e n e e d t o do a bou t t h e m in
vir t u a lly a n y sit u a t ion in life . You and I need t o rem em ber t hat different t hings are im port ant t o
different people, and t hey'll evaluat e what 's happening different ly based upon t heir perspect ive and
condit ioning.
I m agine playing t ennis and hit t ing a poor serve. From your perspect ive, you blew it . From your
opponent 's perspect ive, it was a great shot —for him . From t he line j udge's per spect ive, t he serve was
neit her good nor bad; it was sim ply "in" or " out ." What oft en happens aft er hit t ing a poor shot ? People
st art generalizing —and m ore oft en t han not , in a disem powering way. " What a t errible serve"
becom es " I couldn't serve t oday t o save m y life." Their next few serves are likely t o be equally
underwhelm ing. Then t he t rain of generalizat ion picks up speed, m oving from " I couldn't serve t oday
t o save m y life" t o " I never did have t hat great a serve" t o " I 'm really not such a hot t ennis player" t o
" I never seem t o be able t o m ast er anyt hing" t o " I 'm a horrible person." I t looks ludicrous here,
spelled out in lurid det ail, but isn't t his t he way it happens in so m any areas of our lives? I f we fail t o
t ake cont rol of our evaluat ion process, it lit erally runs wild and sweeps us int o t he spiraling pat t ern of
self- recrim inat ion.
SUPERI OR EVALUATI ON S CREATE SUPERI OR LI VES
I n m odeling t he m ost successful people in our cult ure, one com m on denom inat or I not ice wit hout fail is
t hat t hey m ake superior evaluat ions. Think of anyone you consider t o be a m ast er of anyt hing, in
business, polit ics, law, t he art s, relat ionships, physical healt h, spirit ualit y. What has brought t hem t o
t heir personal pinnacle? What has m ade prosecut ing at t orney Ger ry Spence win alm ost every case he
has t aken on in t he last fift een years? Why does Bill Cosby seem t o delight his audiences virt ually
every t im e he t akes t he st age? What m akes Andrew Lloyd Webber's m usic so haunt ingly perfect ?
I t all com es down t o t hese people m aking superior evaluat ions in t heir areas of expert ise. Spence has
honed a superior underst anding of what influences hum an em ot ion and decision. Cosby has spent
years developing key references, beliefs, and rules about how t o use anyt hing in his environm ent as
m at erial t o m ake people laugh. Webber's m ast ery of m elody, orchest rat ion, arrangem ent , and ot her
elem ent s enables him t o writ e m usic t hat t ouches us at t he deepest level.
Consider Wayne Gret zky of t he Los Angeles Kings. He has scored m ore point s t han anyone in t he
hist ory of t he Nat ional Hockey League. What m akes him so powerful? I s it because he's t he biggest ,
st rongest , or fast est player in t he league? By his own adm ission, t he answer t o all t hree of t hese
quest ions is no. Yet he was consist ent ly t he num ber- one scorer in t he league. When asked what m akes
him so effect ive, his response is t hat while m ost players skat e t o where t he puck is, he t ends t o skat e
t o where t he puck is going. At any m om ent in t im e, his abilit y t o ant icipat e—t o evaluat e t he velocit y of
t he puck, it s direct ion, t he present st rat egies and physical m om ent um of t he players around him —
allows him t o place him self in t he opt im um posit ion for scoring. One of t he t op m oney m anagers in t he
world is Sir John Tem plet on, dean of int ernat ional invest ing, whose t rack record for t he last fift y j ears
is unrivaled. A sum of $10,000 invest ed in t he Tem plet on Growt h Fund at it s incept ion in 1954 would
be wort h $2.2 m illion t oday! I n order t o have him personally work wit h you on your port folio, you m ust
invest at m inim um of $10 m illion cash; his t op client ent rust ed him wit h over $11 billion t o invest .
What has m ade Tem plet on one of t he great est invest m ent advisors of all t im e? When I asked him t his
quest ion, he didn't hesit at e a m om ent . He said, " My abilit y t o evaluat e t he t rue value of an
invest m ent ." He's been able t o do t his despit e t he vagaries of t rends and 'short - t erm m arket
fluct uat ions.
W EALTH I S TH E RESULT OF EFFECTI V E EV ALUATI ON S
Ot her t op invest m ent advisors whom I 've st udied and m odeled in t he past year include Pet er Lynch,
Robert Precht er, and Warr en Buffet . To help him in his financial evaluat ions. Buffet em ploys a powerful
m et aphor he learned from his friend and m ent or Ben Graham : " As a m et aphor for looking at m arket
fluct uat ions, j ust im agine t hem as com ing from a rem arkably accom m odat ing fellow nam ed Mr. Market
who's your part ner in privat e business.. . . Mr. Market 's quot at ions are anyt hing but [ st able] . Why?
Well, for t he sad- t o- say reason t hat t he poor fellow has incurable em ot ional problem s. At t im es he
feels euphoric and we can see only t he favorable fact ors affect ing t he business, and when he's in t hat
m ood he nam es a very high buy- sell price because he fears t hat you'll snap up his int erest and rob him
of im m inent gains. At ot her t im es he's depr essed and he can see not hing but t rouble ahead for bot h
t he business and t he world. On t hose occasions he'll nam e a very low price since he's t er rified t hat you
will unload your int erest on him . .. . But like Cinderella at t he ball, you m ust heed one war ning or
everyt hing will t urn int o pum pkins and m ice. Mr. Market is t here t o serve you, not t o guide you. I t is
his pocket book, not his wisdom , t hat you will find useful. I f he shows up som eday in a part icularly
foolish m ood, you are free t o eit her ignore him , or t ake advant age of him , but it will be disast rous if
you fall under his influence. I ndeed, if you aren't cert ain t hat you underst and and can value your
business far bet t er t han Mr. Market , you don't belong in t he gam e." Clearly, Buffet evaluat es his
invest m ent decisions quit e different ly from t hose who are ext rem ely worried when t he m arket crashes
or euphoric when it soars. And because he evaluat es different ly, he produces a different qualit y of
result . I f som eone is doing bet t er t han we are in any area of life, it 's sim ply because t hey have a
bet t er way of evaluat ing what t hings m ean and what t hey should do about it . We m ust nev er forget
t hat t he im pact of our evaluat ions goes far beyond hockey or finances. How you evaluat e what you're
going t o eat each night m ay det erm ine t he lengt h and qualit y of your life. Poor evaluat ions of how t o
raise your kids can creat e t he pot ent ial for lifelong pain. Failure t o underst and som eone else's
evaluat ion procedures can dest roy a beaut iful and loving relat ionship.
The goal, t hen, is t o be able t o evaluat e everyt hing in your life in a way t hat consist ent ly guides you t o
m ake choices t hat produce t he result s you desire. The challenge is t hat seldom do we t ake cont rol of
what seem s like a com plex process. But I 've developed ways t o sim plify it so t hat we can t ake t he
helm and begin st eering our own evaluat ion procedures, and t herefore our dest inies. Here is a brief
overview of t he five elem ent s of evaluat ion, som e of which you already know, and t he rest of which
we'll be covering in t he following chapt ers. Below you'll find an arrow point ed t oward t win t arget s. This
diagram dem onst rat es how our Mast er Syst em of evaluat ion works. Let 's review t he five elem ent s one
at a t im e and add each t o t he diagram as we go.
1) The first elem ent t hat affect s all of your evaluat ions is t he m ent al and em ot ional st at e you're in
while you're m aking an evaluat ion. There are t im es in your life when som ebody can say one t hing t o
you and it will m ake you cry, while ot her t im es t he sam e com m ent m akes you laugh.
What 's t he difference? I t m ight sim ply be t he st at e you're in. When you're in a fearful, vulnerable st at e,
t he crunching of foot st eps out side your window in t he night , along wit h t he creak of a door opening,
will feel and m ean som et hing t ot ally different t han if you're in a st at e of excit em ent or posit ive
ant icipat ion. Whet her you quiver under t he sheet s or leap out and run t o t he door wit h open arm s is
t he result of t he evaluat ions you m ake about t he m eaning of t hese sounds. One m aj or key t o m aking
superior evaluat ions, t hen, is t o m ake cert ain t hat when we're m aking decisions about what t hings
m ean and what t o do, we're in an ext rem ely resourceful st at e of m ind and em ot ion rat her t han in a
survival m ode.
2) The second building block of our Mast er Syst em is t he quest ions we ask. Quest ions creat e t he init ial
form of our evaluat ions. Rem em ber, in response t o anyt hing t hat happens in your life, your brain
evaluat es it by asking, " What is happening? What does t his sit uat ion m ean? Does it m ean pain or
pleasure? What can I do now t o avoid, reduce, or elim inat e pain or gain som e pleasure?" What
det erm ines whet her you ask som ebody out for a dat e? Your evaluat ions are deeply affect ed by t he
specific quest ion you ask yourself as you consider approaching t his person. I f you ask yourself a
quest ion like " Wouldn't it be gr eat t o get t o know t his person?" , you're likely t o feel m ot ivat ed t o
approach t hem . I f, however, you habit ually ask quest ions like " What if t hey rej ect m e? What if t hey're
offended when I approach t hem ? What if I get hurt ?" t hen obviously t hese quest ions will lead you
t hrough a set of evaluat ions t hat result in your passing up t he opport unit y t o connect wit h som eone
you're t ruly int erest ed in.
What det erm ines t he kind of food you'll put on your dinner plat e also depends on t he quest ions you
ask. I f when you look at food, you consist ent ly ask t he quest ion " What could I eat quickly t hat would
give m e an im m ediat e lift ?" , t he foods you m ay choose will t end t o be heavily processed convenience
foods—in laym an's t erm s, j unk. I f inst ead you asked, " What could I have now t hat would nourish m e?" ,
it 's m ore likely you'll pull from such food groups as fruit s, j uices, veget ables, and salads.
The difference bet ween having a Snickers bar on a regular basis or having a glass of fresh- squeezed
j uice will det erm ine t he qualit y of your physical body, and t his has result ed from t he way you've
evaluat ed. Your habit ual quest ions play a m aj or role in t his process.
3) The t hird elem ent t hat affect s your evaluat ions is your hierarchy of values. Each of us t hroughout
our lives has learned t o value cert ain em ot ions m ore t han ot hers. We all want t o feel good, i.e.,
pleasure, and avoid feeling bad, i.e., pain., But our life's experience has t aught each of us a unique
coding syst em for what equals pain and what equals pleasure. This can be found in t he guidance
syst em of our values. For exam ple, one person m ay have learned t o link pleasure t o t he idea of feeling
secure, while som eone else m ay have linked pain t o t he sam e idea because t heir fam ily's obsession
wit h securit y caused t hem never t o experience a sense of freedom . Som e people t ry t o succeed, yet at
t he sam e t im e t hey avoid rej ect ion at all cost s. Can you see how t his values conflict m ight cause a
person t o feel frust rat ed or im m obilized?
The values you select will shape every decision you m ake in your life. There are t wo t ypes of values
you'll learn about in t he next chapt er: t he em ot ional st at es of pleasure we're always t rying t o m ove
t oward—values like love, j oy, com passion, and excit em ent —and t he em ot ional st at es of pain t hat
we're t rying t o avoid or m ove away from —like hum iliat ion 102 , frust rat ion, depression, and anger. The
dynam ic creat ed by t hese t wo t arget s will det erm ine t he direct ion of your life.
4) The fourt h elem ent t hat m akes up your Mast er Syst em is beliefs. Our global beliefs give us a sense
of cert aint y about how t o feel and what t o expect from ourselves, from life, and from people; our rules
are t he beliefs we have about what has t o happen for us t o feel t hat our values have been m et . For
exam ple, som e people believe, " I f you love m e, t hen you never raise your voice." This rule will cause
t his person t o evaluat e a raised voice as evidence t hat t here is no love in t he relat ionship. This m ay
have no basis in fact , but t he rule will dom inat e t he evaluat ion and t herefore t hat person's percept ions
and experience of what 's t rue. Ot her such lim it ing rules m ight be ideas like " I f you're successful, t hen
you m ake m illions of dollars" or " I f you're a good par ent , t hen you never have a conflict wit h your
children."
Our global beliefs det erm ine our expect at ions and oft en cont rol what we're even willing t o evaluat e in
t he first place. Toget her, t he force of t hese beliefs det erm ines when we give ourselves an experience
of pain or pleasure, and t hey are a core elem ent in every evaluat ion we'll ever m ake.
5) The fift h elem ent of your Mast er Syst em is t he hodgepodge of reference experiences you can access
from t he giant filing cabinet you call your brain. I n it , you've st ored everyt hing you've ever
experienced in your life—and, for t hat m at t er, ever yt hing you've ever im agined. These references form
102
h u m ilia t ion Dem üt igung, Erniedr igung
t he raw m at erial t hat we use t o const ruct our beliefs and guide our decisions. I n order t o decide what
som et hing m eans t o us, we have t o com pare it t o som et hing; for exam ple, is t his sit uat ion good or
bad? Think of t he t ennis exam ple earlier in t his chapt er: is it good or bad, com pared t o what ? I s it
good com par ed t o what your friends do or have?
I s it bad com pared t o t he worst sit uat ion you've ever heard of? You have unlim it ed references you can
use in m aking any decision. Which references you choose will det erm ine t he m eaning you t ake from
any experience, how you feel about it , and t o a cert ain ext ent what you'll do.
Wit hout a doubt , references shape our beliefs and values. Can you see how it would m ake a difference,
for exam ple, if you grew up in an environm ent where you felt you were consist ent ly being t aken
advant age of, as opposed t o growing up feeling uncondit ionally loved? How m ight t his color your
beliefs or your values, t he way you looked at life or people or opport unit y?
I f, for exam ple, you had learned skydiving when you were sixt een years old, you m ight develop
different values about t he idea of advent ure t han som eone who was rej ect ed every t im e t hey
at t em pt ed a new skill, concept , or idea. Mast ers are oft en people who j ust have m ore refer ences
t han you do about what leads t o success or frust rat ion in any given sit uat ion. Clearly, aft er fort y years
of invest ing, John Tem plet on has m ore references t o assist him in deciding what is an excellent
invest m ent t han som eone who is put t ing t oget her t heir, first deal.
Addit ional references offer us t he pot ent ial for m ast ery. Yet , regard- less of our experience or lack
t hereof, we have unlim it ed ways t o organize our references int o beliefs and rules t hat eit her em power
or disem power us. Each day you and I have t he opport unit y t o t ake in new references t hat can help us
t o bolst er our beliefs, refine our values, ask new quest ions, access t he st at es t hat propel us in t he
direct ion we want t o go, and t ruly shape our dest inies for t he bet t er.
" Men are wise in proport ion 103 , not t o t heir experience, but t o t heir capacit y for experience."
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Several years ago, I began t o hear about t he incredible success of a m an nam ed Dwayne Chapm an in
t racking down and capt uring felons who had eluded 104 t he law for years. Known t o m ost as " Dog," he
has becom e known as t he t op bount y 105 hunt er in t he count ry. I was fascinat ed and want ed t o m eet
him and discover what m akes him so effect ive. Dog is a deeply spirit ual m an whose goal is not only t o
cat ch t he felon, but also t o help him m ake changes in his life. Where did t his desire com e from ? I t
cam e from his own pain.
As a young m an. Dog m ade poor evaluat ions about whom he chose as friends. Out of his desire t o
belong t o a group, he j oined a m ot orcy cle gang, t he Devil's Disciples. One day, in t he m idst of a drug
deal gone bad, a gang m em ber shot and m ort ally wounded a m an at t he scene. Panic ensued 106 ; t he
103
pr opor t ion 1. Verhält nis; ( An) Teil; pr opor t ions Plural Größenv erhält nisse Plural, Proport ionen Plur al; in
pr opor t ion t o im Ver hält nis zu; 2. ( t o) in das richt ige Verhält nis bringen ( m it , zu) ; anpassen ( Dat iv )
104
e lude geschickt ent gehen, ausw eichen, sich ent ziehen ( alle Dat iv) ; übert ragen nicht einfallen ( Dat iv )
105
bou n t y Freigebigk eit ; großzügige Spende; Präm ie
106
e n su e ( darauf- , nach) folgen
m em bers im m ediat ely fled. Alt hough Dog did not com m it 107 t he m urder, in t hat st at e t here was no line
drawn bet ween being an accessory 108 t o m urder and being t he m an who act ually pulled t he t rigger. He
ended up ser ving years of hard t im e, working on a chain gang, in t he Texas pr ison syst em . Doing t im e
gave him so m uch pain t hat he reevaluat ed his ent ire philosophy of life. He began t o realize t hat his
core beliefs, values, and rules had creat ed his pain. He began t o ask him self new quest ions and t o
focus on his prison experiences ( references) as being t he effect of choices he'd m ade wit h his previous
life philosophy.
This got him t o t he point where he believed he m ust change his life once and for all. I n t he years
following his release. Dog pursued a num ber of colorful careers and finally set t led on st art ing a privat e
invest igat ion business. When he was br ought before a j udge for back child- support paym ent s
( paym ent s he'd been unable t o m ake while in prison and in t he financially unst able period following his
release) , t he j udge offered Dog a m oney- m aking opport unit y in lieu of a paym ent he knew would
never m at erialize. He suggest ed t hat Dog t rack down 109 a rapist who had vict im ized m any wom en in
t he Denver area. The j udge suggest ed Dog use t he dist inct ions he'd m ade in prison t o assist him in
figuring out what t his crim inal m ight be doing and where he m ight be hiding. Alt hough law
enforcem ent officials had t ried unsuccessfully t o find t his rapist for over a year. Dog delivered him
wit hin t hree days!
To say t he least , t he j udge was im pressed. This was t he st art of a brilliant career, and t oday, m ore
t han 3,000 arrest s lat er. Dog has one of t he best records in t he count ry, if not t he best . He has
averaged over 360 arrest s a year—essent ially one arrest a day. What is t he key t o his success?
Cert ainly a crit ical fact or is t he evaluat ions he m akes. Dog int erviews his quarry 110 's relat ives or loved
ones, and in a variet y of ways he elicit s t he inform at ion he needs. He discovers som e of t he beliefs,
values, and habit ual rules of t he m an or wom an he's pursuing. He now underst ands t heir life
references, which enables him t o t hink t he sam e way t hey would and ant icipat e t heir m oves wit h
uncanny precision. He underst ands t heir Mast er Syst em and his result s speak for t hem selves.
TW O KI N D S OF CH AN GE
I f you and I want t o change anyt hing in our lives, it 's invariably one of t wo t hings: eit her how we're
feeling or our behaviors. Cert ainly we can learn how t o change our em ot ions or feelings wit hin a
cont ext . For exam ple, if you feel fearful of being rej ect ed as an act or, I can help you t o condit ion
yourself so t hat you no longer feel fear ful. Or we can m ake t he second kind of change: a global change.
A m et aphor for t his m ight be t hat if we want t o change t he way your com put er is processing dat a, I
can change t he soft ware t hat you're using so t hat when you hit t he keys what shows up on t he screen
is form at t ed different ly. Or if I really want t o m ake a change t hat will not only affect t his t ype of file,
107
com m it ( - t t - ) anver t rauen, übergeben; RECHT j em anden einw eisen ( t o in Akkusat iv) ; Verbrechen begehen;
verpflicht en ( t o zu) , fest legen ( t o auf Akkusat iv)
108
a cce ssor y RECHT Kom plize, Kom plizin, Mit schuldige( r ) ; m eist ens a cce ssor ie s Plural Zubehör, Mode: auch
Accessoires Plural; TECHNI K Zubehör( t eile Plural)
109
t r a ck dow n aufspür en; auft reiben
110
qu a r r y St einbruch qu a r r y JAGDWESEN Beut e, auch übert ragen Opfer
but m ult iple environm ent s, I can change t he com put er's operat ing syst em . By changing t he Mast er
Syst em , we can change how you'll int eract in a variet y of circum st ances.
So inst ead of j ust condit ioning yourself t o feel different ly about rej ect ion and elim inat ing t he fearful
behaviors, you can adopt a new global belief t hat says, " I am t he source of all m y em ot ions. Not hing
and no one can change how I feel except m e. I f I find m yself in react ion t o anyt hing, I can change it in
a m om ent ." I f you t ruly adopt t his belief, not int ellect ually, but em ot ionally where you feel it wit h
absolut e cert aint y, can you see how t hat would elim inat e not only your fear of rej ect ion, but also your
feelings of anger or frust rat ion or inadequacy?
Suddenly, you becom e t he m ast er of your fat e. Or we could change your values, and m ake your
highest value one of cont ribut ing. Then, if som ebody rej ect ed you, it wouldn't m at t er: you'd st ill want
t o cont ribut e t o t hem , and t hrough const ant cont ribut ion, you'd find yourself no longer being rej ect ed
by people. You'd also find yourself perm eat ed wit h a sense of j oy and connect ion t hat you m ay never
have had before in ot her areas of your life. Or we can change your condit ioned feelings t oward
sm oking by get t ing you t o m ove healt h and vit alit y t o t he t op of your values list . Once t hat becom es
t he highest priorit y of your life, t he sm oking behavior will disappear, and m ore im port ant ly, it can be
replaced by ot her behaviors t hat will support your new value of healt h and vit alit y: eat ing different ly,
breat hing different ly, and so on. Bot h t ypes of changes are valuable.
The focus of t he second sect ion of t he book is how t o creat e t hese global changes, where a single shift
in one of t he five elem ent s of t he Mast er Syst em will powerfully affect t he way you t hink, feel, and
behave in m ult iple areas of your life sim ult aneously. I f you change j ust one elem ent in your Mast er
Syst em , t here are cert ain evaluat ions you won't even consider anym ore, cert ain quest ions you won't
even ask, cert ain beliefs t he com put er won't even accept . This process of creat ing a global change can
be a powerful force for shaping dest iny.
" Ta k e a w a y t h e ca u se , a n d t h e e ffe ct ce a se s1 1 1 ."
M I GUEL D E CERVAN TES
There's a st ory I love t o t ell of a fellow st anding on t he banks of a river. Suddenly, he sees som eone
caught in t he raging current , bounced about on t he j agged 112 rocks, and hears him calling for help. He
leaps113 in, pulls t he drowning m an t o safet y, gives him m out h- t o- m out h resuscit at ion, at t ends t o t he
m an's wounds, and calls for m edical help. As he's st ill cat ching his breat h, he hears t wo m ore scream s
em anat ing from t he river. Again, he j um ps in and m akes anot her daring rescue, t his t im e of t wo
young wom en. Before he even has a chance t o t hink, he hears four m ore people calling for help.
Pret t y soon t he m an is exhaust ed, having rescued vict im aft er vict im , and yet t he scream s cont inue. I f
only he had t aken t he t im e t o t ravel a short dist ance upriver, he could have discovered who was
t hrowing all t hose people in t he wat er in t he first place! He could have saved all his effort s by
addressing t he problem at it s cause rat her t han it s effect .
111
ce a se aufhören; beenden
j a gge d gezackt , zackig
113
le a p 1. ( leapt oder leaped) springen; le a p a t übert ragen sich st ürzen auf; 2. Spr ung
112
Sim ilarly, underst anding t he Mast er Syst em allow s you t o elim inat e t he cause inst ead of exhaust ing
yourself fight ing t he effect s. One of t he finest program s I ever designed is m y t hree- day Dat e Wit h
Dest iny sem inar. I nst ead of t he usual 2,000 part icipant s, I lim it t his program t o 200 people. At Dat e
Wit h Dest iny, we work t oget her t o assist each person t o underst and exact ly how t heir Mast er Syst em
is set up.
This underst anding t ransform s people: suddenly t hey underst and why t hey feel t he t hings t hey feel
and do t he t hings t hey do. They also learn how t o change virt ually anyt hing in t heir lives. Most
im port ant ly, we t hen have t hem design what t heir Mast er Syst em needs t o be in order for t hem t o
achieve t heir ult im at e purpose in life. How can t hey organize t hem selves so t hey can be effort lessly
pulled in t he direct ion of t heir desires rat her t han be pulled apart by a sense of conflict ing values,
beliefs, or rules?
Som e of t he m ost im port ant quest ions we ask in t his program ar e " What are t he values t hat are
cont rolling m e? How do I know when m y values are being m et —what are m y rules?" Dat e Wit h Dest iny
has been at t ended not only by U.S. senat ors and congressm en. Fort une 500 CEOs, and m ovie st ars,
but also by people from every walk of life. All of us have in com m on som e of t he sam e challenges.
How do we deal wit h disappoint m ent , frust rat ion, failure, and cert ain event s in our environm ent t hat
we can't cont rol no m at t er how successful we becom e?
The em ot ions we feel and t he act ions we t ake are based on how we evaluat e t hings. And yet , m ost of
us have not set up t his syst em of evaluat ion for ourselves. The profound changes t hat people
experience in t his program in a m ere t hree days ar e beyond words. People lit erally change t he way
t hey t hink and t he way t hey feel about t heir lives in a m at t er of m om ent s, because t hey t ake cont rol of
t he port ion of t heir brain t hat cont rols t heir experience of life. The changes end up being em ot ional
and even physical as t he brain set s new priorit ies for what 's m ost im port ant . While t his book is not a
replacem ent for Dat e Wit h Dest iny, I want t o provide t he sam e foundat ional t ools t hat we use in t hat
program for your im m ediat e use. Wit h t he chapt ers t hat follow, you can produce t he sam e kinds of
changes in your life st art ing now.
TEST W H AT YOU'VE LEARN ED
To st im ulat e your t hinking about how your Mast er Syst em works, let m e ask you a few provocat ive
quest ions t hat should open t he floodgat es of your t hought and help you t o ident ify how different
port ions of your syst em are used t o m ake decisions.
ANSWER THE FOLLOWI NG FOUR QUESTI ONS BEFORE YOU READ ON:
1. What is your m ost t reasured m em ory ?
2. I f you could end world hunger t oday by killing one innocent person, would you? Why or why not ?
3. I f you bum ped a red Porsche and scrat ched it , and no one was around, would you leave a not e?
Why or why not ?
4. I f you could earn $10,000 for eat ing a bowlful of live cockroaches, would you? Why or why not ?
Now let 's review how you answered each of t hese quest ions. As you look at t he diagram of your Mast er
Syst em , which of t he five areas of evaluat ion did you use t o answer t he first quest ion? Cert ainly you
asked a quest ion of yourself in order t o begin t o evaluat e—you probably repeat ed t he quest ion I asked.
The answer, t hough, was ret rieved from your references, wasn't it ? You picked t hrough t he m yriad
experiences you've had in your life, and finally select ed one as y our m ost t reasured m em ory. Or
m aybe you failed t o select one because you have a belief t hat says, " All experiences of life are
t reasured" or " Select ing one over anot her will be denigrat ing t o som e ot her life experience." Those
beliefs would prevent you from answering t he quest ion. You see, our Mast er Syst em of evaluat ion not
only det erm ines what we evaluat e and how we evaluat e, but even what we're willing t o evaluat e.
Let 's review t he second quest ion, one t hat is m ore int ense and w hich I read in The Book of Quest ions:
I f you could end world hunger t oday by killing one innocent person, would you? When I ask people t his
quest ion, I usually get a rat her int ense set of answers. Som e people say, " Absolut ely," t heir rat ionale
being t hat t he lives of t he m any out weigh t he life of an individual. The way t hey see it , if one person
were willing t o suffer, and it would end all suffering on eart h, t he end would j ust ify t he m eans. Ot hers
are aghast 114 at t his t hought . They believe every hum an life is valuable. That 's also based on a set of
beliefs, isn't it ? Ot hers have a global belief t hat everyt hing in life is exact ly as it should be, and t hat all
t hese people who are st arving are get t ing invaluable lessons for t heir next incarnat ion. And som e
people say, " Yes, I would do it , but I 'd t ake m y own life." I t 's int erest ing how individuals respond wit h
such varying react ions t o t he sam e quest ion based on which of t he five elem ent s of evaluat ion t hey
use and t he cont ent t hey've st ored.
How about t he t hird quest ion: I f you bum ped a red Porsche and scrat ched it , and no one was around,
would you leave a not e? Som e people would say, "Absolut ely." Why? Their highest value is honest y.
Ot her people say, " Absolut ely," but t he reason t hey would do it is t hat one of t he t hings t hey avoid
m ost in t he world is guilt . Not leaving a not e would m ake t hem feel guilt y, and t hat 's t oo painful.
Ot hers will say, " I wouldn't leave a not e," and when asked why t hey'll say, " Well, it 's happened t o m e
several t im es, and nobody left m e a not e." So t hey're saying t hey have personal references t hat m ade
t hem develop t he belief, " Do unt o ot hers as t hey'v e done unt o you."
Here's t he fourt h quest ion: I f you could earn $10,000 for eat ing a bowlful of live cockroaches, would
you? I nvariably I get very few affirm at ive responses. Why? Most people's references for cockroaches
t he im ages and sensat ions t hat t hey've st ored in t heir bodies—are int ensely negat ive. Cert ainly
cockroaches are not som et hing t hey'd want t o put in t heir syst em s. But t hen I raise t he ant e: How
m any of you would do it for $100,000? Gradually t here is a shift in t he room as people begin t o raise
t heir hands who previously had said no. Why will t hey suddenly do it for $100,000? Well, what
happened t o t heir evaluat ion syst em ? Two t hings: I asked a different quest ion by changing one word,
and second, t hey have a belief t hat $100,000 could elim inat e a lot of pain in t heir lives, m aybe som e
of t he long- t erm pain t hat would be m ore difficult t o deal wit h t han t he short - t erm pain of live
cockroaches squiggling down t heir t hroat s.
How about $1 m illion? How about $10 m illion? Suddenly t he m aj orit y of t he people in t he room are
raising t heir hands. They believe t he long- t erm pleasure t hat t he $10 m illion would allow t hem t o give
114
a gh a st ent geist ert , ent set zt
t o t hem selves and ot hers would far out weigh t he short - t erm pain. St ill, som e people would not eat live
cockroaches for any am ount of m oney.
When asked why not , t hey say t hings like " I could never kill a living t hing" or "What goes ar ound
com es around." Ot her people say, " I kill cockroaches all t he t im e, j ust because t hey're in m y way! "
One m an even said he could eat t hem easily, and t hat he would do it for fun, not t he m oney! Why?
The reason is t hat he grew up in a count ry where cockroaches and ot her insect s are considered a
delicacy. Different people have different references and different ways of evaluat ing t hings—int erest ing,
isn't it ?
TH ERE COM ES A TI M E . . .
As we st udy t hese five elem ent s of t he Mast er Syst em , t here's one ot her t hem e we need t o bear in
m ind: it 's cert ainly possible t o overevaluat e.
Hum an beings love t o analyze t hings t o deat h. There is a point , however, when we've got t o st op
evaluat ing and t ake act ion. For exam ple, som e people m ake so m any evaluat ions t hat even a m inor
decision t urns int o a m aj or product ion: m aybe t hey can't get t hem selves t o exercise regularly as part
of t heir lifest yle. Why? They see it as a m aj or product ion. The way t hey " chunk" t he experience, t he
way t hey look at it , t here are so m any st eps t hat t hey're int im idat ed.
I n order t o exercise, t hey m ust 1) get up; 2) find som e workout wear t hey don't look t oo fat in; 3) pick
out t he right at hlet ic shoes; 4) pack everyt hing up in t heir gym bag; 5) schlepp over t o t he gym ; 6)
find a parking spot ; 7) clim b t he st airs; 8) sign in; 9) go int o t he locker room ; 10) squeeze int o t he
workout clot hes; and 11) finally at t end t he class, hit t he st at ionary bicycle, and sweat like crazy. And
t hen when t hey're done, 12) t hey have t o do all of t his again in reverse.
Of course, t hese sam e people can easily get t hem selves t o go t o t he beach. They're r eady in a
heart beat ! I f you ask t hem why, t hey'll t ell you, " Well, t o go t o t he beach, you j ust hop in t he car and
go! " They don't st op t o ev aluat e each and every st ep along t he way; t hey see it as one giant st ep,
evaluat ing only whet her t o go or not , not every lit t le det ail. Som et im es evaluat ing t oo m any det ails
can cause us t o feel over- loaded or overwhelm ed. One of t he t hings we'll learn here, t hen, is t o put
m any m inor st eps t oget her int o one big " chunk" —one giant st ep, if you will—t hat t he m inut e you t ake
it you'll get t he result t hat you want .
I n t his sect ion, we're going t o analyze our evaluat ion syst em , put it t oget her in a way t hat m akes
sense, and t hen st art using it inst ead of deliberat ing about it . As you cont inue t hrough t he next few
chapt ers, realize t hat you have an opport unit y t o creat e leverage on yourself t hat will produce
changes you m ay never have t hought possible before.
So let 's cut right t o t he chase 115 . I 'll be coaching you on revealing what your present evaluat ion syst em
is and set t ing up a new Mast er Syst em t hat is consist ent ly em powering. You already know t he power
of st at e and quest ions, so let 's proceed t o t he t hird area of evaluat ions. Let 's look at ...
115
ch a se 1. Jagd; Verfolgung; 2. j agen, het zen; Jagd m achen auf ( Akkusat iv ) ; rasen, rennen
15
LI FE VALUES: YOUR PERSONAL COMPASS
" Not hing splendid 116 has ever been achieved except by t hose who dared believe t hat som et hing inside
of t hem was superior t o circum st ance."
BRUCE BARTON
Courage, det erm inat ion, perseverance, dedicat ion ... As Ross Per ot conduct ed t he t ense briefing in
Dallas, he saw t hose qualit ies reflect ed in t he faces of t he m en he had handpicked for an ext raordinary
rescue m ission. I n t he early days of 1979, civil unrest and ant i- Am erica hyst eria were rising t o a fever
pit ch in I ran, and only a few days before, t wo of Perot 's corporat e execut ives in Teheran had been
inexplicably j ailed. Bail 117 was set at $13 m illion. When high- powered diplom at ic negot iat ions failed t o
get result s, Perot decided t hat t here was only one way t o get his m en out : he'd have t o do it him self.
Calling upon t he expert ise of legendary arm y colonel Art hur " Bull" Sim ons t o lead t his daring raid,
Perot quickly assem bled a crack t eam of his t op execut ives t o pull off t he j ailbreak. They were select ed
because t hey'd all been in Teheran and had m ilit ary experience. He called his m en " Eagles" t o signify
" high fliers who used t heir init iat ive, got t he j ob done, and gave result s, not excuses."
The rewards would be high if t hey won, but t he risks were even great er: t he m ission was com plet ely
unaut horized, and not only was failure a possibilit y, but so was deat h. What drove Ross Perot t o
m ust er 118 all his resources, t o t ake t he risks and defy t he odds? Clearly, he's a m an who lives by his
values. Courage, loyalt y, love, com m it m ent , and det er- m inat ion are all values t hat give him an
except ional capacit y t o care and a st rengt h of will t hat is legendary. These sam e values were t he force
t hat drove him t o build his com pany, EDS ( Elect ronic Dat a Syst em s Corporat ion) , from a t housanddollar invest m ent int o an ent erprise wort h billions of dollars. He rose t o t he t op because of his capacit y
t o evaluat e and select t he right m en. He chose t hem based on a st rict code of values and he knew t hat
wit h t he right people, t hose who held high enough st andards, all he'd have t o do was give t hem t he
j ob t o do and get out of t heir way.
Now he would have t he ult im at e t est of t he people he'd select ed as he called upon t hem t o sum m on
t heir finest resources and r escue a few m em bers of t he corporat e " fam ily." The st ory of t heir m ission
and t he challenges t hey m et can be found in t he book On Wings of Eagles. Suffice119 it t o say t hat
116
sple n did großart ig, herr lich, prächt ig
ba il 1. Bürge; Kaut ion; be out on ba il gegen Kaut ion auf freiem Fuß sein; go ode r st a n d ba il for som e on e
für j em anden Kaut ion st ellen; 2. ba il ou t j em anden gegen Kaut ion freibekom m en; Am . LUFTFAHRT siehe bale2
118
m u st e r 1. m u st e r u p seine Kraft und so weit er aufbiet en; seinen Mut zusam m ennehm en; 2. pa ss m u st e r
übert ragen Zust im m ung finden ( w it h bei) ; den Anforderungen genügen
119
suffice genügen, ( aus) r eichen
117
despit e obst acles beyond com pare, Perot 's heroic rescue m ission succeeded and brought hom e his
m ost valued asset s: his people.
" A m a n 's ch a r a ct e r is h is gu a r dia n divin it y."
H ERACLI TUS
Values guide our every decision and, t herefore, our dest iny. Those who know t heir values and live by
t hem becom e t he leaders of our societ y. They are exem plified by out st anding individuals t hroughout
our nat ion, from t he boar droom t o t he classroom . For exam ple, did you see t he m ovie St and and
Deliver? I t t old t he st ory of t he m averick m at h t eacher Jaim e Escalant e.
Were you as inspired as I was by t he heroic st rides he m ade in t ransm it t ing t o his st udent s his passion
for learning? He got t hem t o associat e in t heir nervous syst em s, at t he deepest level, a sense of pride
in t heir capacit y t o m ast er t hose t hings ot hers were cert ain t hey could never learn. His exam ple of
com m it m ent t ranslat ed t o t hese young people t he power of values. They learned from him discipline,
confidence, t he im port ance of t he t eam , flexibilit y, and t he power of absolut e det erm inat ion.
He didn't t alk t o t hese kids in t he barrio about what t hey should do wit h t heir lives; he was a living
dem onst rat ion, a new definit ion of what was possible. He not only got t hem t o pass a calculus
placem ent t est in num bers t hat everyone t hought were im possible, but he also got t hem t o change
t heir beliefs about who t hey were and what t hey were capable of if t hey consist ent ly com m it t ed t o
holding t hem selves t o a higher st andard.
I f we want t he deepest level of life fulfillm ent , we can achieve it in only one way, and t hat is by doing
what t hese t wo m en have done: by deciding upon what we value m ost in life, what our highest values
are, and t hen com m it t ing t o live by t hem every single day. Unfort unat ely, t his act ion is far t oo rare in
t oday's societ y. Too oft en, people have no clear idea of what 's im port ant t o t hem . They waffle on any
issue; t he world is a m ass of gray t o t hem ; t hey never t ake a st and t or anyt hing or anyone.
I f you and I are not clear about what 's m ost im port ant in our lives- what we t ruly st and for—t hen how
can we ever expect t o lay t he foundat ion for a sense of self- est eem , m uch less have t he capacit y t o
m ake effect ive decisions? I f you've ever found yourself in a sit uat ion where you had a t ough t im e
m aking a decision about som et hing, t he reason is t hat you weren't clear about what you value m ost
wit hin t hat sit uat ion. We m ust rem em ber t hat all decision m aking com es down t o values clarificat ion.
When you know what 's m ost im port ant t o you, m aking a decision is quit e sim ple. Most people, t hough,
are unclear about what 's m ost im port ant in t heir lives, and t hus decision m aking becom es a form of
int ernal t ort ure. This is not t rue for t hose who've clearly defined t he highest principles of t heir lives. I t
wasn't t ough for Ross Per ot t o know what t o do. His values dict at ed it . They act ed as his personal
com pass t o guide him t hrough a sit uat ion fraught wit h peril. Recent ly, Escalant e left t he Los Angeles
school syst em t hat he'd been working in t o m ove t o nort hern California. Why? He could no longer be a
part of an organizat ion where he believed t here were no st andar ds for a t eacher's perform ance.
Who are t he m ost universally adm ired and respect ed people in our cult ure? Aren't t hey t hose who have
a solid grasp of t heir own values, people who not only profess t heir st andards, but live by t hem ? We
all respect people who t ake a st and for what t hey believe, even if we don't concur wit h t heir ideas
about what 's right and what 's wrong. There is power in individuals who congruent ly lead lives where
t heir philosophies and act ions are one.
Most oft en we recognize t his unique st at e of t he hum an condit ion as an individual wit h int egrit y.
Cult urally, t hese people have com e in m any form s, from t he John Waynes and Ross Perot s, t o t he Bob
Hopes and Jerry Lewises, t o t he Mart in Sheens and Ralph Naders, t o t he Norm an Cousinses and Walt er
Cronkit es. The fact of t he m at t er is t hat t hose we perceive t o be congruent in t heir values have a
t rem endous capacit y t o have an influence wit hin our cult ure.
Do you rem em ber t he night ly newscast s wit h Walt er Cronkit e? Walt er was wit h us on all t he m ost
im port ant days of our lives: during t ragedies and t r ium phs, when John F. Kennedy was assassinat ed,
and when Neil Arm st rong first set t oot on t he m oon. Walt er was part of our fam ily. We t rust ed him
im plicit ly.
At t he beginning of t he Viet nam War, he report ed on it in t he st andard way, wit h an obj ect ive view of
our involvem ent , but aft er visit ing Viet nam his view of t he war changed, and his values of int egrit y and
honest y required t hat , right ly or wrongly, he com m unicat e his disillusionm ent . Regardless of whet her
you agreed w it h him or not , t he im pact he had m ay have been one of t he final st raws t hat caused
m any in Middle Am erica t o begin t o quest ion t he war for t he first t im e. Now it wasn't j ust a few radical
st udent s pr ot est ing Viet nam , but " Uncle Walt ."
The conflict in Viet nam was t ruly a values conflict wit hin our cult ure. People's percept ion of what was
right and wrong, what could m ake a difference, was t he bat t le fought at hom e while t he boys overseas
put t heir blood and gut s on t he line, som e not knowing why. An inconsist ency of values am ong our
leaders has been one of t he great est sources of pain in our cult ure. Wat ergat e cert ainly wounded m any
Am ericans. Yet , t hrough it all, our count ry has cont inued t o grow and expand because t here are
individuals who cont inually com e fort h t o dem onst rat e what 's possible and hold us t o a higher
st andard—w het her it 's Bob Geldof focusing t he at t ent ion of t he world on t he fam ine in Africa or Ed
Robert s m obilizing t he polit ical forces necessary t o change t he qualit y of life for t he physically
challenged.
" Eve r y t im e a va lu e is bor n , e x ist e n ce t a k e s on a n e w m e a nin g; e ve r y t im e on e die s, som e
pa r t of t h a t m e a n in g pa sse s a w a y."
JOSEPH W OOD KRUTCH
We need t o realize t hat t he direct ion of our lives is cont rolled by t he m agnet ic pull of our values. They
are t he force in front of us, consist ent ly leading us t o m ake decisions t hat creat e t he direct ion and
ult im at e dest inat ion of our lives. This is t rue, not only for us as individuals, but also for t he com panies,
organizat ions, and t he nat ion of which we're a pan.
Clearly, t he values t hat our Founding Fat hers held m ost dear have shaped our nat ion's dest iny: t he
values of freedom , choice, equalit y, a sense of com m unit y, hard work, individualit y, challenge,
com pet it ion, prosperit y, and respect for t hose who have t he st rengt h t o overcom e great adversit y have
consist ent ly sculpt ed t he experience of Am erican life and t hus our j oint dest inies. These values have
caused us t o be an ever expanding count ry t hat innovat es and cont inually provides a vision of
possibilit y for people t he world over.
Would a different set of nat ional and cult ural values have shaped our count ry different ly? You bet !
What if t he value held m ost im port ant by our forefat hers was st abilit y? Or conform it y? How would t hat
have changed t he face of our great land? I n China, for exam ple, one of t he highest values in t he
cult ure is t he value of t he group versus t hat of t he individual, t he idea t hat an individual's needs m ust
be subservient t o t he group's. How has t his shaped Chinese life different ly t han Am erican life?
The fact is, wit hin our own nat ion t here are const ant shift s going on wit hin t he values of t he cult ure as
a whole. While t here are cert ain foundat ional values, sign ifica n t e m ot ion a l e ve n t s ca n cr e a t e
sh ift s in in dividu a ls a n d t h e r e for e in t h e com pa n ie s, or ga n iza t ion s, a n d cou n t r ie s t h a t t h e y
m a k e u p. Th e ch a n ge s in Ea st e r n Eu r ope a r e cle a r ly t h e m ost pr ofou n d va lu e sh ift s t h a t
h a ve occu r r e d in t h e w or ld com m u n it y in ou r life t im e s.
What happens wit h count ries and individuals also happens wit h com panies. I BM is an exam ple of a
corporat ion whose direct ion and dest iny was set up by it s founder, Tom Wat son. How? He clearly
defined what t he com pany st ood for, what would be m ost im port ant for all people t o experience
regardless of what product s, services, or financial clim at es t hey would ent er in t he fut ure. He guided
" Big Blue" int o being one of t he world's largest and m ost successful com panies.
What can we learn from all t his? I n our personal and professional lives, as well as on t he global front ,
we m ust ge t cle a r a bou t w h a t is m ost im por t a n t in ou r live s a n d de cide t h a t w e w ill live by
t h e se va lu e s, n o m a t t e r w h a t h a ppe n s. This consist ency m ust occur regardless of whet her t he
environm ent rewards us for living by our st andards or not . We m ust live by our principles even when it
" rains on our parade," even if no one gives us t he support we need. The only way for us t o have longt erm happiness is t o live by our highest ideals, t o consist ent ly act in accordance wit h what we believe
our life is t ruly about .
Bu t w e ca n 't do t h is it w e don 't cle a r ly k n ow w h a t ou r va lu e s a r e ! This is t he biggest t ragedy in
m ost people's lives: m a n y pe ople k n ow w h a t t h e y w a n t t o h a ve , bu t h a ve n o ide a of w h o t h e y
w a n t t o be . Get t ing " t hings" sim ply will not fulfill you. Only living and doing what you believe is " t he
right t hing" will give you t hat sense of inner st rengt h t hat we all deserve.
Re m e m be r t h a t you r va lu e s—w h a t e ve r t h e y a r e —a r e t h e com pa ss t h a t is gu idin g you t o
you r u lt im a t e de st in y. They are creat ing your life pat h by guiding you t o m ake cert ain decisions and
t ake cert ain act ions consist ent ly. Not using your int ernal com pass int elligent ly result s in frust rat ion,
disappoint m ent , lack of fulfillm ent , and a nagging sense t hat life could be m ore if only som ehow,
som et hing were different . On t he ot her hand, t here's an unbelievable power in living your values: a
sense of cert aint y, an inner peace, a t ot al congruency t hat few people ever experience.
I F YOU D ON 'T KN OW YOUR TRUE VALUES, PREPARE FOR PAI N
The only way we can ever feel happy and fulfilled in t he long t erm is t o live in accordance wit h our t rue
values. I f we don't , we're sure t o exper ience int ense pain. So oft en, people develop habit ual pat t erns
of behavior t hat frust rat e or could pot ent ially dest roy t hem : sm oking, drinking, overeat ing, abusing
drugs, at t em pt ing t o cont rol or dom inat e ot hers, wat ching hour upon hour of t elevision, and so on.
What 's t he real problem here? These behaviors are really t he result of frust rat ion, anger, and
em pt iness t hat people feel because t hey don't have a sense of fulfillm ent in t heir lives. They're t rying
t o dist ract t hem selves from t hose em pt y feelings by filling t he gap wit h t he behavior t hat produces a
" quick fix" change of st at e. This behavior becom es a pat t ern, and people oft en focus on changing t he
behavior it self rat her t han dealing wit h t he cause. They don't j ust have a drinking problem ; t hey have
a values problem . The only reason t hey're drinking is t o t ry t o change t heir em ot ional st at e because
t hey don't like t he way t hey feel, m om ent by m om ent . They don't know what 's m ost im port ant t o
t hem in t heir lives.
The consolat ion is t hat whenever we do live by our highest st andards, whenever we fulfill and m eet
our values, we feel im m ense j oy. We don't need t he excess food or drink. We don't need t o put
ourselves int o a st upor, because life it self becom es so incredibly rich wit hout t hese excesses.
Dist ract ing ourselves from such incredible height s would be like t aking sleeping pills on Christ m as
m orning.
Guess what t he challenge is! As always, we were already asleep when t he essence of what would
shape our lives was form ed. We were children who didn't underst and t he im port ance of having a clear
sense of our values, or adult s dealing wit h t he pressures of life, already dist ract ed t o t he point where
we couldn't direct t he form at ion of our values. I m ust reit erat e t hat e ve r y de cision is gu ide d by
t h e se va lu e s, a n d in m ost ca se s, w e didn 't se t t h e m u p.
I f I asked you t o m ake a list of your t op t en values in life, t o writ e t hem in precise order of im port ance,
I 'd be willing t o bet t hat only one in 10,000 could do it . ( And t hat Vioodi of a percent would have
at t ended m y Dat e Wit h Dest iny sem inar! ) But if you don't know t he answer t o t his quest ion, how can
you m ake any clear decisions at all? How can you m ake choices t hat you know in t he long t erm will
m eet your deepest em ot ional needs? I t 's hard t o hit a t arget when you don't know what it is! Knowing
your values is crit ical t o being able t o live t hem .
An yt im e you h a ve difficu lt y m a k in g a n im por t a n t de cision , you ca n be su r e t h a t it 's t h e
r e su lt of be in g u n cle a r a bou t you r va lu e s. What if you were asked t o m ove your fam ily across t he
count ry in connect ion wit h a new j ob? I f you knew t hat t here was som e risk involved, but t hat t he
com pensat ion would be bet t er and t he j ob would be m ore int erest ing, what would you do? How you
answer t his quest ion will depend ent irely on what 's m ost im port ant t o you: personal growt h or securit y?
Advent ure or com fort ?
By t he way, what det erm ines whet her you value advent ure m ore t han com fort ? Your values cam e from
a m ixed bag of experiences, of lifelong condit ioning t hrough punishm ent and r eward. Your parent s
congrat ulat ed and suppor t ed you when you did t hings t hat agreed wit h t heir values, and when you
clashed wit h t heir values, you were punished eit her physically, verbally, or t hrough t he pain of being
ignored. Your t eachers, t oo, encouraged and applauded you when you did t hings t hey agr eed wit h, and
applied sim ilar form s of punishm ent when you violat ed t heir m ost deeply held views. This cycle was
perpet uat ed by your friends and em ployers. You m odeled t he values of your heroes, and m aybe som e
of your ant iheroes as well.
Today, new econom ic fact ors com e int o play. Wit h m ost fam ilies having bot h parent s work ing out side
t he hom e, t here is no t radit ional role m odel for values in t he hom e. Schools, churches, and, on t he less
appet izing side, TV have all st epped in t o fill t he gap. I ndeed, TV is our m ost convenient babysit t er,
wit h t he average person now wat ching t elevision seven hours a day! Am I suggest ing t hat t he
" t radit ional" fam ily st ruct ure is t he only way t o raise children who have st rong values? Of course not .
What I suggest is t hat we t each our children our philosophy of life by being st rong role m odels, by
knowing our own values and living by t hem .
W H AT ARE V ALUES?
To value som et hing m eans t o place im port ance upon it ; anyt hing t hat you hold dear can be called a
" value." I n t his chapt er, I 'm specifically referring t o life values, t hose t hings t hat are m ost im port ant t o
you in life. For t his kind of value, t here are t wo t ypes: ends and m eans. I f I ask you, " What do you
value m ost ?," you m ight answer, " Love, fam ily, m oney . . ." Of t hese, love is t he end value you're
pursuing; in ot her words, t he em ot ional st at e you desire. Conversely, fam ily and m oney are m erely
m eans values. I n ot her words, t hey are sim ply a way for you t o t rigger t he em ot ional st at es you really
desire.
I f I asked you, " What does fam ily give you?," you m ight say, " Love, securit y, happiness." What you
t m ly value—t he ends you're aft er—are love, securit y, and happiness. Sim ilarly, wit h m oney, I could
ask you, " What does m oney really m ean t o you? What does it give you?" You m ight say, " Freedom ,
im pact , t he abilit y t o cont ribut e, a sense of securit y." Again, you see, m oney is m erely a m eans t o
achieving a m uch deeper set of values, a set of em ot ions t hat you desire t o experience on a consist ent
basis in your life.
The challenge in life is t hat m ost people are not clear on t he difference bet ween m eans and ends
values, and t herefore, t hey experience a lot of pain. So oft en people are t oo busy pursuing m eans
values t hat t hey don't achieve t heir t rue desire: t heir ends values. The ends values are t hose t hat will
fulfill you, m ake your life rich and rewarding. One of t he biggest challenges I see is t hat people keep
set t ing goals wit hout knowing what t hey t ruly value in life, and t herefore t hey end up achieving t heir
goals and saying, " I s t his all t here is?"
For exam ple, let 's say a wom an's highest values are caring and cont ribut ion, and she chooses t o
becom e an at t orney because she once m et a lawyer who really im pressed her as being able t o m ake a
difference and help people t hrough his work. As t im e goes by, she get s caught up in t he whirlwind of
pract icing law, and aspires t o becom e a part ner in her firm .
As she pursues t his posit ion, her work t akes on an ent irely different focus. She begins t o dom inat e and
run t he firm , and becom es one of t he m ost successful wom en she knows, yet she feels unhappy
because she no longer has any cont act wit h client s. Her posit ion has creat ed a different relat ionship
wit h her peers, and she spends all her t im e in m eet ings ironing out prot ocol and procedure. She
achieved her goal, but m issed out on her life's desire. Have you ever fallen int o t his t rap of pursuing
t he m eans as if t hey were t he end you were aft er? I n order t o be t ruly happy, we m ust know t he
difference, and be sure t o pursue t he end it self.
M OVI N G- TOW ARD VALUES
While it 's absolut ely t rue t hat you and I are const ant ly m ot ivat ed t o m ove t oward pleasurable
em ot ional st at es, it 's also t rue t hat we value som e em ot ions m ore t han ot her s. For exam ple, what are
t he em ot ional st at es t hat you value m ost in life? What are t he em ot ions t hat you t hink will give you
t he m ost pleasure? Love or success? Freedom or int im acy? Advent ure or securit y?
I call t hese pleasurable st at es t hat we value m ost m oving- t oward values because t hese ar e t he
em ot ional st at es we'll do t he m ost t o at t ain. What are som e of t he feelings t hat are m ost im port ant
for you t o experience in your life on a consist ent basis? When asked t his quest ion at sem inars, m y
audiences invariably respond wit h words like:
Love
Success
Freedom
I nt im acy
Securit y
Advent ure
Power
Passion
Com fort
Healt h
I t 's cert ainly t rue t hat you probably value all of t hese em ot ions, and t hat t hey 're all im port ant for you
t o feel. But wouldn't it be fair t o say t hat you don't value t hem all equally? Obviou sly t h e r e a r e
som e e m ot ion a l st a t e s t h a t you 'll do m or e t o a ch ie ve t h a n ot h e r s. I n t r u t h , w e a ll h a ve a
h ie r a r ch y of va lu e s. Each person who looks at t his list will see som e em ot ional st at es as being m ore
im port ant t o t hem t han ot hers. The hierarchy of your values is cont rolling t he way you m ake decisions
in each m om ent . Som e people value com fort over passion, or freedom over securit y, or int im acy over
success.
Take a m om ent right now, and discover from t his list which of t hese em ot ions you value m ost . Sim ply
rewrit e t he list in your order of im port ance, wit h 1 being t he em ot ional st at e you hold as m ost
im port ant , and 10 being least im port ant . Please t ake a m om ent now and fill in t he blanks in your
order of im port ance.
" Be m ore concerned wit h your charact er t han your reput at ion, because your charact er is what you
really are, while your reput at ion is m erely what ot hers t hink you are."
JOHN WOODEN
So what did you learn by doing t his ranking? I f I were sit t ing next t o you, I could probably give you
som e qualit y feedback. For exam ple, I 'd know a lot about you if your num ber- one value was freedom ,
followed by passion, advent ure, and power. I know you're going t o m ake different decisions t han
som eone whose t op values are securit y, com fort , int im acy, and healt h. Do you t hink a person whose
num ber- one value is advent ure m akes decisions t he sam e way as som eone whose num ber - one value
is securit y? Do you t hink t hese people would drive t he sam e kind of car? Take t he sam e kind of
vacat ion? Seek out t he sam e profession? Far from it .
Rem em ber, what ever your values are, t hey affect t he direct ion of your life. We have all learned
t hrough our life's experience t hat cert ain em ot ions give us m ore pleasure t han ot hers. For exam ple,
som e people have learned t hat t he way t o have t he m ost pleasurable em ot ions in life is t o have a
sense of cont rol, so t hey pursue it wit h incredible vigor. I t becom es t he dom inant focus of all t heir
act ions: it shapes who t hey will have relat ionships wit h, what t hey will do wit hin t hose relat ionships,
and how t hey'll live. I t also causes t hem , as you can im agine, t o feel quit e uncom fort able in any
environm ent where t hey'r e not in charge.
Conversely, som e people link pain t o t he idea of cont rol. What t hey want m ore t han anyt hing else is a
sense of freedom and adv ent ure. Ther efore, t hey m ake decisions com plet ely different ly. Ot hers get
t he sam e level of pleasure t hrough a different em ot ion: cont ribut ion. This value causes t hat person t o
const ant ly ask, " What can I give? How can I m ake a difference?" This' would cert ainly send t hem in a
different direct ion from som eone whose highest value was cont rol.
Once you know what your values are, you can clearly underst and why you head in t he direct ions t hat
you do on a consist ent basis. Also, by seeing t he hierarchy of your values, you can see why
som et im es you have difficult y m aking decisions or why t here m ay be conflict s in your life. For exam ple,
if a person's num ber- one value is freedom , and num ber t wo is int im acy, t hese t wo incom pat ible values
are so closely ranked t hat oft en t his person will have challenges.
I rem em ber a m an I counseled at one t im e who was const ant ly feeling t his push- pull. He consist ent ly
sought aut onom y, but when he achieved it , he felt alone and craved int im acy. Then, as he pursued
int im acy, he becam e fearful he would lose his freedom , and so he'd sabot age t he relat ionship. One
part icular relat ionship was cont inually on- again, off- again while he cycled bet ween t hese t wo values.
Aft er I helped him m ake a sim ple change in t he hierarchy of his values, his relat ionship and his life was
inst ant ly changed. Shift ing priorit ies produces power. Knowing your own values helps you t o get m ore
clarit y as t o why you do what you do and how you can live m ore consist ent ly, but knowing t he values
of ot hers is equally im port ant . Might it be valuable t o know t he values of som eone you're in a
relat ionship wit h, or som ebody you're in business wit h? Knowing a person's values gives you a fix on
t heir com pass, and allows you t o have insight int o t heir decision m aking. Knowing your own hierarchy
is also absolut ely crit ical because your t op values are t hose t hat are going t o bring you t he m ost
happiness. Of course, what you really want t o do is se t it u p so t h a t you 'r e m e e t in g a ll of you r
va lu e s e ve r y da y. I f you don't , you'll experience w hat seem s like an inexplicable feeling of em pt iness
or unhappiness.
My daught er, Jolie, lives an incredibly rich life in which her highest values are alm ost always m et . She
is also a wonderful act ress, dancer, and singer. At t he age of sixt een, she audit ioned t o perform at
Disneyland ( som et hing she knew would fulfill her value of accom plishm ent if she succeeded) .
I ncredibly, she beat out 700 ot her girls t o win a part in t he fabled am usem ent park's Elect ric Light
Parade. I nit ially, Jolie was ecst at ic. We, along wit h her friends, were all so delight ed and proud of her,
and we would frequent ly drive up on weekends t o see her perform . Her schedule, however, was
ext rem ely t axing. Jolie had t o perfor m every weeknight as well as weekends, and her school t erm
wasn't over for t he sum m er yet . So she had t o drive from San Diego t o Orange Count y every evening
in rush- hour t raffic, rehearse and perform for several hours, t hen drive back hom e in t he wee hours of
t he night so she could get up again early t he next m orning in t im e for school. As you can im agine, t he
daily com m ut e and long hours soon t urned t he experience int o a grueling 120 ordeal 121 , not t o m ent ion
t he ext rem ely heavy cost um e she had t o wear which hurt her back.
Even worse, however, from Jolie's per spect ive, was t he fact t hat her dem anding schedule cut
drast ically int o her personal life and prevent ed her from spending any t im e wit h our fam ily and her
friends. I began t o not ice her wandering about in a series of very unresourceful em ot ional st at es. She
would cry at t he drop of a hat , and began t o com plain about t hings on a consist ent basis. This was
t ot ally unlike Jolie. The final st raw was t hat t he whole fam ily was preparing t o go t o Hawaii for our
t hree- week Cert ificat ion program —ev eryone except Jolie, who had t o st ay hom e in order t o cont inue
t o work at Disneyland.
One m orning, she hit t hreshold and cam e t o m e in t ears, undecided and confused. She felt so
frust rat ed, so unhappy and unfulfilled, yet she had achieved what seem ed like an unbelievable goal
only six m ont hs earlier. Disneyland had becom e painful for her. Why? Because it becam e an obst acle
t o her abilit y t o spend t im e wit h all t hose she loved m ost . Plus Jolie always had felt t hat t he t im e she
spent at Cert ificat ion, where she part icipat ed as a t rainer, helped her t o grow m ore t han virt ually
anyt hing else in her life. Many of her friends from around t he count ry at t ended t his program each year,
and Disneyland was beginning t o feel frust rat ing t o her because she really didn't feel like she was
expanding or growing t here at all. She was feeling pain if she decided t o com e wit h us t o Cert ificat ion
( because she didn't want t o be a quit t er) and pain if she cont inued t o work at Disneyland because it
would m ean she'd m iss out on t he t hings t hat seem ed so im port ant t o her.
We sat down t oget her so t hat I could help her t ake a close look at what her t op four values are in life.
They t urned out t o be: 1) love, 2) healt h and vibrancy 122 , 3) growt h, and 4) accom plishm ent . By
t urning t o her values, I knew t hat I could help her get t he clarit y she needed t o m ake t he decision t hat
would be right for her. So I asked her, " What does working at Disneyland give you? What 's im port ant
about working at Disneyland?" She t old m e t hat she was originally excit ed about it because she saw it
as an opport unit y t o m ake new friends, receive recognit ion for her work, have fun, and experience a
t rem endous sense of accom plishm ent .
At t his point , t hough, she said she wasn't feeling very m uch accom plishm ent at all because she didn't
feel like she was growing anym ore, and she knew t here were ot her t hings she could be doing t hat
120
121
122
gruel Haferschleim
or de a l Qual, Tort ur
vibr a n t kräft ig ( Farben, St im m e und so w eit er) ; pulsier end ( Leben)
would accelerat e her career m ore rapidly. She also said, " I 'm burning m yself int o t he ground. I 'm not
healt hy, and I m iss being wit h t he fam ily t rem endously."
Then I asked her, " What would m aking a change in t his area of your life m ean? I f you left Disneyland,
spent t im e at hom e, and t hen went t o Hawaii, what would t hat give you?" She im m ediat ely bright ened.
Sm iling, she said, " Well, I 'd get t o be wit h you guys. I could have som e t im e wit h m y boyfriend. I 'd
feel free again. I could get som e rest and st art exer cising t o get m y body back in shape. I 'd keep m y
4.0 grade point average in school. I could find ot her ways t o grow and achieve. I 'd be happy! "
Her answer as t o what t o do was plainly in front of her. The source of her unhappiness was also clear.
Before she st art ed working at Disneyland, she was fulfilling her t op t hree values: she felt loved, she
was very healt hy and fit ^ and she felt like she was growing. Thus she began t o pursue t he next value
on her list : accom plishm ent . But in so doing, she'd creat ed an environm ent where she achieved, but
m issed out on her t op t hree values.
This is such a com m on experience. We all need t o realize t hat we m ust accom plish our highest values
first —t hese are our ut m ost priorit y. And rem em ber, t here is always a way t o accom plish all our values
sim ult aneously, and we need t o m ake cert ain we don't set t le for anyt hing less.
There st ill was one final obst acle t o Jolie's decision: she also linked pain t o leaving Disneyland. One of
t he t hings she avoided m ost in life was quit t ing. I cert ainly had cont ribut ed t o t his view, since I believe
not hing is ever achieved by t hose who give up whenever it get s t ough. So she saw leaving her work at
Disneyland as giving up. I assured her t hat m aking a decision t o live congruent ly wit h your values is
not quit t ing, nor is foolish consist ency a virt ue. I would be t he first person t o ensure t hat she cont inue
if I t hought she was j ust giving up because t he work was t oo t ough. But t hat was not t he case, and I
offered her t he opport unit y t o t urn t his t ransit ion int o a gift for som eone else.
I said, " Jolie, can you im agine how you'd feel if you were t he first runner- up, and all of a sudden t he
winner st epped down, and now you had a chance t o be in t he parade? Why don't you give t hat gift t o
som eone else?" Because part of Jolie's definit ion of love is cont ribut ion, t his im m ediat ely t apped int o
her highest value. She st opped linking pain t o quit t ing, and now associat ed pleasure t o her decision.
This values lesson is one she's never forgot t en, and t he m ost excit ing t hing was t hat she found a new
way t o m eet all of her values t hat began t o m ove her m ore precisely in t he direct ion of her goals. She
not only began t o feel m ore fun and happiness, but short ly t hereaft er she got her first j ob in a San
Diego St arlight Theat er pr oduct ion.
LESSON S I N PAI N
Just as t here are em ot ions we desire t o experience because t hey're pleasurable, and t hat 's why we're
always m oving t oward t hem , we also have a list of em ot ions t hat we'll do alm ost anyt hing t o m ove
away from . Very early in m y career, when I was j ust beginning t o build m y first com pany, I
experienced t rem endous frust rat ion in being on t he road and t rying t o run m y business sim ult aneously.
At one point , it appeared t hat a person represent ing m e had not been com plet ely honest . When you
deal, as I have, wit h hundreds of t housands of people, and lit erally t housands of business
arrangem ent s, t he law of averages says t hat a few will at t em pt t o t ake advant age of you.
Unfort unat ely, t hese are t he ones t hat t end t o st ick out in our m inds rat her t han t he hundreds or even
t housands of business relat ionships t hat have far surpassed our expect at ions. As a result of one such
painful sit uat ion, I sought out a new CEO, a m an who I t hought could really run m y com pany. Arm ed
wit h m y new t ool of being able t o elicit som eone's values, I asked each of t he pot ent ial candidat es,
" What 's m ost im port ant t o you in your life?" Som e of t hem said t hings like " success" or
" accom plishm ent " or " being t he best ." But one m an used t he m agic word. He said, " Honest y." I didn't
j ust t ake him at his word; I checked him out wit h several people he'd worked wit h. They confirm ed
t hat he was " honest as t he day was long" and t hat , in fact , at t im es he had set aside his own needs if
t here was any quest ion of int egrit y. I t hought , " This is t he kind of m an I want represent ing m e." And
he did a fine j ob. Soon, t hough, it becam e clear t hat we needed an addit ional associat e in order t o
really run m y rapidly expanding business: som eone who had addit ional skills. My CEO recom m ended
som eone he t hought could becom e his part ner, and t hey could j oint ly run m y organizat ion. This
sounded great t o m e. I m et t his m an, whom I 'll call Mr. Sm it h ( nam es have been changed t o prot ect
t he not so innocent ) , and he did a fabulous present at ion, dem onst rat ing for m e how he could use all
t he skills he'd developed t hroughout t he years t o t ake m y com pany t o t he next level. He could free up
m y t im e, and allow m e t o do even larger sem inars and im pact even m ore people wit hout having t o live
on t he road. At t he t im e, I was spending alm ost 150 days a year away from hom e, conduct ing m y
sem inars. I n addit ion, he didn't want t o be paid unt il he'd produced t he result ! I t sounded alm ost t oo
good t o be t rue. I agreed t o t he arrangem ent . Mr. Sm it h and m y honest CEO would run m y com pany.
A year and a half lat er, I woke up and discovered t hat it was t oo good t o be t rue. Yes, m y sem inars
had got t en bigger, but now I was on t he road alm ost 270 days a year. My skill and im pact had grown,
I 'd helped m ore people t han ever befor e, but suddenly I was inform ed t hat I was $758,000 in debt
aft er I 'd given m ore t han I ever had in m y ent ire lifet im e. How could t his possibly be? Well,
m anagem ent is everyt hing, bot h wit hin com panies and wit hin ourselves. And I clearly did not have t he
right m anagers.
But worse, Mr. Sm it h had over t his eight een- m ont h period of t im e m isappropr iat ed 123 m ore t han a
quart er of a m illion dollars from our coffers. He had a new house, a new car—I had assum ed he'd
got t en t hem from his ot her businesses. Boy, was I in for a surprise! To say t hat I was angry or
devast at ed 124 by t his experience would cert ainly be using Transform at ional Vocabulary t o lower t he
int ensit y of m y feelings. The m et aphors I used at t he t im e were t hings like " I feel st abbed in t he back"
and " He t ried t o m urder m y first born." How's t hat for em ot ional int ensit y?
However, t he t hing t hat perplexed m e t he m ost was how m y honest CEO could st and by and not warn
m e t hat all t his was happening. He was aware of what was going on! This was when I began t o realize
t hat people don't j ust pursue pleasure, but t hey clearly also m ove away from pain. My honest CEO had
t ried t o t ell m e t hat he was concerned about his part ner. He cam e t o m e aft er I 'd been on t he road for
t hree st raight m ont hs. On m y first day hom e, he approached m e t o t ell m e t hat he had quest ions
about Mr. Sm it h's int egrit y. I im m ediat ely becam e concerned and asked him why. He said, " When we
123
124
m isa ppr opr ia t e unt er schlagen, verunt r euen
de va st a t e v erwüst en
m oved t o our new offices, he t ook t he biggest office." This was so pet t y 125 t hat I got ext rem ely angry
and said, " List en. You brought him int o t his business; you deal wit h him yourself personally." And I
st orm ed off.
I should have realized t hat day t hat I 'd given t his m an pain when he was t rying t o give m e inform at ion.
I n m y exhaust ed and st r essed st at e I failed t o evaluat e t he deeper m eaning of what was going on. As
if t his weren't bad enough, m y honest CEO approached m e again t o give m e sim ilar feedback. I t old
him t hat he was not being t ot ally honest by t alking t o m e inst ead of Mr. Sm it h. I m arched int o his
associat e's office and said, " He's t elling m e all t hese t hings about you. You guys work t his out ! " Can
you im agine t he pain he got from Mr. Sm it h? As I look back on t he experience now, I can see clearly
why he didn't t ell m e t he t rut h. Telling m e t he t rut h—t hat he'd brought som eone int om y business
who'd m isappropriat e m ore t han a quart er of a m illion dollars—seem ed t o him , in t he short t erm , t o be
m uch m ore painful t han j ust put t ing it off and t rying t o find som e ot her way t o deal wit h it event ually.
I n fact , as I look back on all t he upset s I ever had wit h t his CEO, invariably t hey all cam e down t o
t im es when he didn't do t hings he needed t o do sim ply because he want ed t o avoid t he feeling of
confront at ion. This was t he ult im at e pain for him , So while honest y was im port ant t o him , avoiding
confront at ion was m ore im port ant . Thus he sim ply did not com m unicat e t o m e, and rat ionalized t hat
he was being honest because, aft er all, I had never asked him if Mr. Sm it h was t aking m oney. I f I had,
he would have t old m e. As angry as t his sit uat ion m ade m e, and as painful as it was financially and
em ot ionally, it provided m e wit h one of t he m ost valuable lessons of m y life because it gave m e one of
t he final pieces in t he puzzle of underst anding hum an behavior. Underst anding t hese t win forces of
pain and pleasure has helped m e not only t o posit ively influence m yself and m y fam ily, but people
around t he world wit h great er precision.
M OVI N G- AW AY- FROM VALUES
We m ust rem em ber, t hen, t hat any t im e we m ake a decision about what t o do, our brain first
evaluat es whet her t hat act ion can possibly lead t o eit her pleasurable or painful st at es. Your brain is
const ant ly j uggling 126 , or weighing, your alt ernat ives t o see what t he im pact m ay be, based upon your
value hierarchy. I f, for exam ple, I asked you t o go skydiving, and t he num ber- one em ot ion you t ry t o
avoid at all cost s is a sense of fear, it 's pret t y obvious t hat you're not going t o t ake act ion, are you? I f,
however, t he num ber- one value you want t o avoid at all cost s is a feeling of rej ect ion, and you believe
t hat I m ay rej ect you if you don't go, you m ay decide t o j um p out of a plane in spit e of your fear. The
relat ive levels of pain we associat e wit h cert ain em ot ions will affect all of our decisions.
What are som e of t he em ot ions t hat are m ost im port ant for you t o avoid experiencing on a consist ent
basis? Oft en when I ask people t his quest ion at sem inars, t hey com e up wit h a list such as t he
following:
Rej ect ion
125
126
pe t t y ( - ier , - iest ) belanglos, unbedeut end, ( Vergehen auch) ger ingfügig; engst ir nig
j u ggle j onglieren ( m it ) ; Bücher und so w eit er frisier en
Anger
Frust rat ion
Loneliness
Depression
Failure
Hum iliat ion
Guilt
Again, would it be fair t o say t hat all t hese em ot ions are st at es you'd like t o avoid having t o feel? Of
course, because t hey're painful. Wouldn't it also be t rue t o say t hat , while you want t o avoid feeling all
of t hese em ot ions, som e are m ore painful t o you t han ot hers? That , in fact , you have a hierarchy of
m oving- away- from values as well? Which value on t he above list would you do t he m ost t o avoid
having t o feel? Rej ect ion, depr ession, hum iliat ion? The answer t o t his quest ion will det erm ine your
behavior in alm ost any environm ent .
Take a m om ent before w e go any furt her, and write t his list out in t he above blanks, ranking t hem
from t he em ot ional st at es you'll do t he m ost t o avoid having t o feel, t o t hose you'll do t he least t o
avoid having t o feel.
" I hope we can build a universit y our foot ball t eam can be proud of."
UNI VERSI TY OF OKLAHOMA
As you look at your list , what does it t ell you? I f, for exam ple, you put at t he t op of your list t hat t he
em ot ion you would do t he m ost t o avoid having t o feel is hum iliat ion, t hen can you see how you would
consist ent ly avoid ent ering any sit uat ions where you m ight be j udged harshly?
I f loneliness is t he em ot ion you want t o avoid m ost , it m ay drive you t o be a nurt uring person,
reaching out t o ot hers and t rying t o give t o t hem on a regular basis so t hat t hey'll want t o be wit h you,
and so t hat you'll be surrounded by m any grat eful friends.
TH E SOURCE OF SELF- SABOTAGE: VALUES CON FLI CTS
Now let 's look at t he dynam ics creat ed by your values hierarchy. I f you select ed success, for exam ple,
as your t op m oving- t oward value, and rej ect ion as your t op m oving- away- from value, do you see any
possible challenges t hat t his hierarchy m ight creat e in your life? I 'm here t o t ell you t hat a person
who's t rying t o achieve t he pleasure of success wit hout ever experiencing t he pain of rej ect ion will
never succeed long t erm . I n fact , t his person will sabot age him self before he ever t ruly succeeds on a
m aj or scale. How can I m ake such a claim ? Rem em ber t he basic organizing principle we've t alked
about so oft en here: People will do m ore t o avoid pain t han t hey will t o gain pleasure. I f you're t ruly
going t o succeed at t he highest level in life, don't you have t o be willing t o risk rej ect ion?
Don't you have t o be willing t o experience it ? I sn't it t rue t hat even if you're an honest and sincere
person and give your all t o ot hers ever y day, t here are st ill people who will m isint erpret your act ions
and j udge you wit hout even having m et you? Whet her you want t o be a writ er, a singer, a speaker, or
a business person, t he pot ent ial for rej ect ion is ever- present . Since your brain inherent ly knows t hat
in order t o succeed you have t o risk rej ect ion, and it's already decided t hat t he feelings of rej ect ion are
t he ult im at e levels of pain, it will m ake t he decision t hat t he pleasure of success is not wort h t he price,
and will cause you t o sabot age your behavior before you even get in t his posit ion!
So oft en I see people who t ake huge st rides forward, only t o m yst eriously pull back at t he last m inut e.
Or t hey'll say or do t hings t hat sabot age t he very personal, em ot ional, or physical success t hey're
pursuing. I nvariably t he reason is t hat t hey have a m aj or values conflict . Part of t heir brain is saying,
" Go for it ! " while t he ot her pan is saying " I f you do you're going t o get t oo m uch pain." So t hey t ake
t wo st eps for ward and one st ep back.
During t he 1988 elect ion year, I used t o call t his principle t he " Gary Hart Syndrom e." Here was a nice
guy who t ruly seem ed t o care passionat ely about people and societ y, but whose value conflict s were
played out for all t o see. Was Gary Hart a horrible guy? I doubt it . He was j ust som eone who had
values in m assive conflict . He grew up in a church t hat t aught him he was com m it t ing a sin 127 if he
even danced. Sim ult aneously he was exposed t o role m odels like Warren Beat t y. These conflict ing
desires obviously played a role in his polit ical downfall Do you t hink t hat a person as int elligent as Gary
Hart clearly seem ed t o be would t ell t he m edia, " I f you've got quest ions about m e, follow m e" and
t hen im m ediat ely aft erward go visit his m ist ress? Clearly t his was his brain s way of get t ing out of t he
pain of being in a posit ion where he had t o play by rules ot her t han his own. You can call t his pop
psychology if you want but doesn't it m ake sense t hat if you are being pulled in t wo different direct ions,
you will not be able t o ser ve bot h m ast ers? Som et hing has t o give. We'll do what ever's necessary,
consciously or unconsciously t o keep ourselves from having t o experience our m ost int ense
levels of pain.
We've all seen people in t he public eye who've experienced t he pain of values conflict s, but rat her t han
be j udgm ent al, we need t o realize t hat each of us has values conflict s wit hin ourselves. Why? Again
sim ply because we never set t he syst em up for ourselves. We've allowed our environm ent t o shape us,
but we can begin t o change t his now.
How? Sim ply by t aking t wo st eps:
St e p On e is t o gain awareness of what your current values are so you underst and why you do what
you do. What are t he em ot ional st at es you are m oving t oward, and what are t he st at es you are
m oving away from ? By reviewing your list s side by side, you'll be able t o have an underst anding of
t he force t hat 's creat ing your present and fut ure.
St e p Tw o: You can t hen m ake conscious decisions about what values you want t o live by in order t o
shape t he qualit y of life and dest iny you t ruly desire and deserve.
H OW TO D I SCOVER YOUR CURREN T VALUES
127
sin 1. Sünde; 2. ( - nn- ) sündigen
So let 's get st art ed. You'v e done som e sam ple value list s by ranking t he list s I gave you. What you
really need t o do is st art fresh wit h your own list s. All you have t o do t o discover your values is answer
one sim ple quest ion: . " What 's m ost im port ant t o m e in life?" Brainst orm t he answer t o t his quest ion.
I s it peace of m ind? I m pact ? Love? Now put your values in order, from m ost im port ant t o least
im port ant . Take a m om ent and do t his now . . .
W H AT'S M OST I M PORTAN T TO M E I N LI FE:
When I first creat ed m y list of m oving- t oward values, t his is what I cam e up wit h, and t he order in
which t hey occurred:
MY OLD LI ST OF MOVI NG- TOWARD VALUES
Passion
Love
Freedom
Cont ribut ion
Being Able
Growt h
Achievem ent / Accom plishm ent
Happiness
Fun
Healt h
Creat ivit y
As I looked at m y list , I underst ood why I was doing what I was doing. I was such an int ense individual;
by anybody's descript ion I was explosive in m y approach. I saw it as m y passion. My love for m y
fam ily and m y friends and want ing t o share it in sem inars was clear. My desire was t o free people, and
I figured t hat if I freed t he individuals around m e and cont ribut ed t o t hem , I 'd feel like I was able t o do
alm ost anyt hing.
I 'd grow and achieve and event ually have fun and be healt hy and creat ive. Knowing m y values list
helped m e st ay on t rack and t o live consist ent ly wit h what was m ost im port ant t o m e. For years, I felt
a great er sense of congruency in m y life.
But I was soon t o m ake anot her dist inct ion t hat would t ransform t he qualit y of m y life forever.
CH AN GE YOUR VALUES, AN D YOU CH AN GE YOUR LI FE
Aft er m y experience wit h t he infam ous128 Mr. Sm it h, I went t o Fij i t o get away from it all. I needed t o
balance m yself em ot ionally, and gain som e perspect ive and clarit y on t he sit uat ion. Most im port ant ly, I
had t o decide what I was going t o do and how I was going t o t urn t hings around. The first night I was
t here, before I went t o sleep, I asked m yself a very im port ant quest ion. I nst ead of " Why did all t his
happen t o m e?" , I began t o ask a bet t er quest ion: " What is t he source of all hum an behavior? What
m akes people do what t hey do?"
When I woke up t he following m orning at 8 a.m ., I felt a frenzy 129 of ideas pouring 130 t hrough m e. I
grabbed m y j ournal and began t o writ e cont inuously, sit t ing in t he m ain cabana. People walked in and
out t hroughout t he day as I wrot e nonst op from 8 a.m . t o 6: 30 p.m . My arm was sore131 ; m y fingers
were num b 132 . I wasn't j ust t hinking calm ly and writ ing; t he ideas were lit erally exploding t hrough m e.
From t his unst oppable river of ideas, I designed Dest iny Technologies™ and a good port ion of t he
science of Neuro- Associat ive Condit ioning.™ When I went back t o review m y not es, however, I couldn't
read a word! But t he ideas and feelings were anchored wit hin m e. I im m ediat ely realized t he pot ency
of what I had creat ed: a program t hat could help a person redesign t he life priorit ies of t heir nervous
syst em , t o lit erally redirect t he process of how people m ake all t heir decisions about how t o t hink, how
t o feel, and what t o do in virt ually every area of t heir lives!
I began t o t hink about what would happen it , inst ead of j ust t eaching people what t heir values were
and clarifying t hem , I act ually got people t o consciously select or redirect t he or der and cont ent of
t heir values hierarchy syst em . What if I t ook som eone whose num ber- one value was secur it y, and
whose num ber- fift een value was advent ure, and I swit ched t he order, not only int ellect ually but so
t hat advent ure becam e t he new highest priorit y in t heir nervous syst em ? What kind of change do you
t hink t hat m ight m ake in som eone's life? A m inor one, or a m aj or one?
The answer is obvious. By doing t his, you lit erally change t he way a person t hinks, feels, and behaves
in virt ually every area of t heir life. I couldn't im agine a m ore profound shift t hat a hum an being could
m ake. I n essence, t his would be t he kind of change t hat has been described t hroughout hist ory: a
conversion from Saul t o Paul, if you will, wit h t he t hings t hat a person hat ed m ost becom ing t he t hings
t hey loved m ost , and vice versa.
Could t his really be done? I decided t hat t he best person t o t est t his out on was, of course, m yself. I
began t o look at m y values list . At first I t hought , " My values are great ! I love m y values. Aft er all, t his
is who I am ." But I had t o keep rem inding m yself t hat we are not our values. We are m uch m ore t han
our values. These values were not t he result of int elligent choices and a m ast er plan. What I had
m erely accom plished unt il now was discovering what priorit ies were condit ioned int o m y life, and I had
consciously chosen t o live wit hin t he syst em of pain and pleasure t hat had been program m ed int o m e.
But if I were t o really design m y own life, if I were going t o creat e a set of values t hat would shape t he
ult im at e dest iny 1 desired, what would t hey need t o be?
128
in fa m ou s berücht igt ; schändlich, nieder t rächt ig
fr e n zy helle Aufregung; Ekst ase; Raser ei
130
pou r gießen, schüt t en; pou r ou t ausgießen, - schüt t en; Get ränk eingießen; st röm en ( auch über t ragen)
131
sor e 1. ( sorer, sorest ) weh, wund; ent zündet ; über t ragen wund ( Punkt ) ; besonders Am . um gangssprachlich:
übert ragen sauer; I 'm sor e a ll ove r m ir t ut alles w eh; sor e t h r oa t Halsent zündung weiblich; h a ve a sor e t h r oa t
auch Halsschm erzen haben; 2. wunde St elle, Wunde
132
n u m b 1. st ar r ( wit h vor Kält e und so weit er) , t aub; über t ragen wie bet äubt ( wit h vor Schm erz und so weit er) ;
2. st arr oder t aub m achen
129
" We have m ade t hee neit her of heaven nor of eart h,
Neit her m ort al nor im m ort al,
So t hat wit h freedom of choice and wit h honor,
As t hough t he m aker and m older of t hyself,
Thou m ayest fashion t hyself in what ever shape t hou shalt prefer.
Thou shalt have t he power out of t hy soul's j udgm ent ,
To be reborn int o t he higher form s, which are divine."
GOD'S SPEECH TO ADAM FROM PI CO DELLA MI RANDOLA'S ORATI ON ON THE DI GNI TY OF MAN
I felt unbelievably inspired as I began t o realize t hat in t his m om ent I was about t o m ake decisions
t hat would change t he direct ion of m y life forever. I began t o look at m y values and ask t he quest ion,
" What do m y values need t o be in order t o creat e m y ult im at e dest iny, in order t o be t he best person I
could possibly be, in order t o have t he largest im pact in m y lifet im e?"
I t hought , " The values I have right now are helping m e," but t hen I t hought , " What ot her values would
I need t o add?" I began t o realize t hat one of t he t hings t hat wasn't on m y list was int elligence.
Cert ainly I was an int elligent person, but I hadn't m ade being int elligent as high a priorit y as being
passionat e. I n fact , in m y passion I 'd m ade som e pr et t y st upid choices—including who m y CEO was
going t o be!
I began t o realize t hat unless I m ade int elligence a conscious priorit y of m y nervous syst em ( i.e.,
unless I learned t o t ake a m om ent or t wo in advance t o consciously evaluat e t he consequences of m y
decision m aking) , I would cont inuously fail t o achieve m y deepest desires. There was now no quest ion
t hat int elligence needed t o be placed high on m y list . I t hen discovered an addit ional series of values
t o add, and I decided where t hey needed t o be placed in m y hierarchy.
Then I asked a quest ion I had never asked befor e: " What values should I elim inat e from m y list in
order t o achieve m y ult im at e dest iny?" I began t o r ealize t hat by const ant ly focusing on how t o be free,
I was m issing out on t he freedom I already had. I realized t hat t here was no way I could be any m ore
free t han I was in t his m om ent . Maybe m y feelings would be different if I lived in a count ry where t he
choices I have here don't exist , but for m e, t here is no way t o have any m ore freedom t han I have
t oday. So I decided t o drop it from m y list and not t o m ake it an issue anym ore. I t was am azing die
freedom I felt by get t ing freedom off m y list !
Next , I began t o evaluat e each value individually as t o it s t rue m erit . I began t o ask, " What benefit do
I get by having t his value in t his posit ion on m y hierarchy?" I looked first at passion and asked, " What
benefit do I get by having passion here?" I t hought , " I t gives m e drive and excit em ent and energy and
t he power t o im pact people in posit ive ways. I t m akes m y life j uicy."
Then I asked a quest ion t hat kind of scared m e, a quest ion I had never asked before: " What could
having passion at t he t op of m y list cost m e?" I n t hat m om ent , t he answer becam e obvious. I had j ust
recent ly ret urned from conduct ing a sem inar in Denver, where for t he first t im e in years I had felt
unbelievably ill. Healt h was always on m y values list ; it was im port ant . But it wasn't very high up on
t he list .
By t he way, it you have anyt hing on your values list , you t hink it 's im port ant , because t here are
hundreds of t hings t hat could have been on t he list t hat aren't . But m y idea of healt h was t o eat right .
I wasn't exer cising, and I cert ainly wasn't get t ing enough rest . Finally, m y body was giving out under
m y const ant dem ands for unlim it ed energy. I began t o rem em ber t hat in t hat day, when I felt like I
had no healt h, I pushed m yself and did t he sem inars in spit e of it all. But I didn't feel passionat e,
I didn't feel loving, I didn't feel like 1 could have im pact . I began t o realize t hat by having passion as
t he highest value on m y list , it would cause m e t o burn out and t herefore pot ent ially cost m e t he very
dest iny I was pursuing.
I finally asked t he last quest ion: " I n what order do m y values need t o be t o achieve m y ult im at e
dest iny?" Not " What 's im port ant t o m e?" but " What do t hey need t o be?" As I began t o do t his process,
m y list began t o evolve unt il it looked like t his:
MY NEW LI ST OF MOVI NG- TOWARD VALUES
Healt h/ Vit alit y
Love/ Warm t h
I nt elligence
Cheerfulness
Honest y
Passion
Grat efulness
Fun/ Happiness
Making a difference
Learning/ Growing
Achieving
Being t he best
I nvest ing
Cont ribut ion
Creat ivit y
These shift s m ay look subt le t o you, but t hey were profound in t heir em ot ional im pact upon m e. Just
creat ing t his new list of life priorit ies creat ed som e int ense fear and st ruggle at t im es. Probably t he
m ost difficult one was changing t he order t hat I had bet ween achievem ent and happiness. I f you recall,
on m y previous list I had t o feel passion, love, freedom , cont ribut ion, being able, growt h, and
achievem ent , and a lower priorit y was feeling happy. I began t o t hink, " What would happen if I m ade
happiness a priorit y? What would happen if I m ade t hat a higher priorit y t han achieving?"
Quit e honest ly, t his was anot her quest ion t hat creat ed fear in m e. I t hought , "I f it 's easy for m e t o feel
happy, m aybe I 'll lose m y drive. Maybe I won't want t o achieve. Maybe I won't want t o have t he sam e
im pact . Maybe I won't cont ribut e as m uch t o people." Aft er all, I linked m y ident it y t o m y capacit y t o
passionat ely m ake a difference. I t t ook m e alm ost t wo hours t o m ake t he decision t o " go for t he gust o"
and decide t o m ake m yself happy. How ridiculous! But I can t ell you, having worked wit h t ens of
t housands of people in Dat e Wit h Dest iny, of whom t he m aj orit y of at t endees would be considered
achievers, t his is one of t he biggest fears t hey have. They generally fear t hat t hey'll lose t heir power or
drive if t hey feel happy first . I 'm here t o t ell you t hat what happened in m y life is t hat inst ead of
achieving t o be happy, I began t o happily achieve, and t he difference in t he qualit y of m y life is so
profound t hat it is beyond verbal descript ion. I didn't lose m y drive—quit e conversely, I felt so good, I
want ed t o do even m ore!
When m y list was com plet e, I felt an em ot ion t hat I could not ever rem em ber feeling previously: a
sense of calm . I felt a sense of cert aint y I hadn't experienced before, because I now knew t hat ever y
part of m e was going t o be pulled in t he direct ion of m y dream s. I was no longer in a t ug- of- war wit h
m yself. By no longer st riving const ant ly for freedom , I could have even m ore int im acy and love—I
could feel even m ore free. I would happily achieve now. I would be healt hy and vit al and int elligent .
Wit h t he decision t o change m y life's priorit ies, I could im m ediat ely feel t he changes in m y physical
body.
I also t hen began t o realize t hat t here were cert ain em ot ional st at es t hat I m ust avoid indulging in if I
was going t o succeed. One of t hose clearly was worry. I found m yself em ot ionally and physically
racked 133 by t he pain of t rying t o figure out how I was going t o keep m y com pany going and keep t he
doors open. At t he t im e, I believed t hat if I worried, m aybe I 'd be m ore m ot ivat ed, but what I found
was t hat worry m ade m e less resourceful. So I decided I couldn't worry anym ore. I could have
legit im at e concern, but m ore im port ant ly, I could focus on t aking t he act ions t hat would m ake t hings
work. Once I decided worr y would dest r oy m y dest iny, I began t o avoid experiencing it at all cost s.
Clearly, t his becam e an em ot ion t oo painful t o indulge in. I began t o const ruct a m oving- away- from
list .
I t hen flew back t o t he Unit ed St at es, having designed m y own dest iny. Boy, were m y friends and
associat es in for a surprise! On m y first day back at t he office, people st art ed approaching m e t o ask,
" What 's happened t o you? You seem so different ! You look so relaxed." I began t o unload m y ent ire
new t echnology for hours at a t im e on each individual unt il finally I realized I needed t o t ake it , refine
it , and put it in a sem inar. That 's how Dat e Wit h Dest iny was born. I wrot e t his book out of m y desire
t o spread t he Dest iny- NAC t echnology t o as m any people as possible. I hope you'll use it now.
Rem em ber, we t ruly can design who we becom e.
" Give m e beaut y in t he inward soul; m ay t he out ward and t he inward m an be at one."
SOCRATES
So how can you now t ake cont rol of t his t hird elem ent of your Mast er Syst em known as values? Take
t he following t wo sim ple st eps:
St e p 1 . Fin d ou t w h a t y ou r cu r r e n t va lu e s a r e , a n d r a n k t h e m in or de r of im por t a n ce . This will
give you insight int o what you want t o experience m ost —your m oving- t oward values—and what you
want t o avoid m ost in your life—your m oving- away- from values. I t will give you an underst anding of
133
r a ck 1. Gest ell, ( Geschirr - , Zeit ungs- und so weit er ) St änder, EI SENBAHN ( Gepäck) Net z, KRAFTFAHRWESEN
( Dach) Gepäck t räger; GESCHI CHTE Folt er( bank) ; 2. be r a ck e d by ode r w it h geplagt oder gequält werden von;
r a ck on e 's br a in s sich das Hirn zer m ar t er n, sich den Kopf zerbrechen
why you do what you do. I t will also offer you t he opport unit y, if you'd like, t o consist ent ly experience
m ore pleasure in your life by underst anding t he pain- pleasure syst em t hat 's already built wit hin you.
St e p 2 . I f you're willing t o t ake t he bull by t he horns, you have an opport unit y t o redirect y our dest iny.
Ask yourself a new quest ion: " W h a t do m y va lu e s n e e d t o be in or de r t o a ch ie ve t h e de st in y I
de sir e a n d de se r ve ?" Br a in st or m ou t a list . Pu t t h e m in or de r . Se e w h ich va lu e s you m igh t
ge t r id of a n d w h ich va lu e s you m igh t a dd in or de r t o cr e a t e t h e qu a lit y of life you t r u ly
w ant.
You m ay be wondering, "What t he heck is m y dest iny, anyway?" I f you're st um bling over t his, go back
t o Chapt er 12. I n it , I asked you what t ype of person you'd have t o be in order t o achieve all t hat you
want . I n order t o be t hat person, what would your values need t o be? What values
would you need t o add or elim inat e?
For exam ple, how would your capacit y t o deal wit h fear, frust rat ion, and rej ect ion be affect ed by
deciding t o place courage high upon your m oving- t oward value list ? Or, what m ight be t he im pact of
giving playfulness a higher priorit y? Might it enable you t o have m ore fun in life, possibly enj oy all
experiences as t hey com e, grow closer t o your children and be m ore t o t hem t han j ust a " provider" ?
So what have you accom plished by creat ing your new list of values? I sn't it j ust a bunch of words on a
piece of paper? The answer is yes—if you don't condit ion yourself t o use t hem as your new com pass. I f
you do, however, t hey becom e t he solid foundat ion of every decision you will m ake. I t is difficult t o
give you in t his book t he full range of condit ioning t ools t hat I use in sem inars, but let m e rem ind you
of t he power of leverage. Many people who have at t ended Dat e Wit h Dest iny post t heir values
prom inent ly at work, at hom e, anywhere t hey will be seen by people who will hold t hem t o t his new,
higher st andard.
So use t he sam e kind of leverage t o st rengt hen your com m it m ent t o your new values. The next t im e
you find yourself yelling at t he kids, m aybe som eone who loves you will walk by and rem ind you, " I sn't
com passion num ber one on your list ?"
" I t ouch t he fut ure; I t each."
ANONYMOUS
Wat ching people t ake cont rol of t heir value hierarchies in Dat e Wit h Dest iny is so rewarding because of
t he huge cont rast bet ween what t hey're like Friday m orning and who t hey becom e by Sunday night . As
t ransform at ions occur, m agic happens. I rem em ber one m an who was dragged by his wife t o t he
program and didn't want t o be t here. As we st art ed t alking about values and t he possibilit y of m aking
changes in t hat area, he insist ed, " I don't need t o change any of m y values." His num ber- one value,
by t he way, was freedom ! He balked 134 at being " forced" t o change anyt hing in his life t hat he didn't
want t o; it becam e a cont rol issue as he st eadfast ly refused t o m ake any changes.
Finally I said t o him , " I know you don't have t o m ake any changes. I also know t hat you're free. So I 'm
sure you're free t o add a few values. What would be som e values t hat m ight be useful for you t o add
in order for you t o increase t he qualit y of your life and m aybe even im pact your ult im at e dest iny?"
134
ba lk 1. Balken; 2. st ut zen; scheuen
Aft er several m om ent s of t hought he said, " Well, m aybe flexibilit y m ight be a good one t o add." The
audience cracked up. " That 's great ," I said. " Where would you put flexibilit y on your list ?" We st art ed
from t he bot t om and m oved up, and it ended up being num ber four on his list .
The m om ent t his m an decided t hat was indeed t he right place for his new value, anot her part icipant —a
chiropract or—who was sit t ing behind him suddenly piped up, " Did you see t hat ?" I t was so obvious
t hat several ot her people in t he room had also not iced it . This m an's physiology had lit erally begun t o
change before our eyes. As he had adopt ed flexibilit y in his value syst em , his whole post ure seem ed t o
loosen up and becom e m ore relaxed. He sat in his chair different ly, and seem ed t o be br eat hing wit h a
lot m ore freedom . Even his expression changed as t he m uscles in his face released t heir t ension. Wit h
flexibilit y as a new priorit y, his nervous syst em had obviously got t en t he m essage.
Then I asked, " Are t here any ot her values you m ight want t o add t o your list ?" The m an t hought a
m om ent and said, " Maybe .. . forgiveness?" wit h a quest ion in his voice. Again t he group br oke up
laughing. This was a m an who had st art ed out brist ling 135 wit h host ilit y and t ension, and here he was,
m aking a 180- degree shift . As he figured out where t o put forgiveness int o his values hierarchy, it was
grat ifying t o see t he furt her changes t hat t ook place in his dem eanor, breat hing, facial m uscles, and
gest ures. Throughout t he rest of t he weekend people were am azed by t he dr am at ic changes t hat had
been wrought wit h t wo sim ple addit ions t o his values. He t alked t o people wit h m ore soft ness in his
voice, his face seem ed t o " open up" wit h m ore expression, and he really seem ed t o connect wit h
people in ways he hadn't before. Now, t hree years lat er, freedom is not even on his list , and t he
int im acy bet ween his wife and him has expanded im m easurably.
" We are what we repeat edly do."
ARI STOTLE
Life has a way of t est ing our com m it m ent t o our values. My t est cam e as I was boarding an
airplane . . . and lo and behold, t here st ood t he illust rious136 Mr. Sm it h. I felt t he anger and anim osit y
well up inside m e wit h an int ensit y I hadn't experienced for over t wo years, prim arily because I hadn't
seen him . He scurried 137 ont o t he plane and seat ed him self in t he rear. As I sat in m y seat , knowing he
was behind m e, quest ions raced t hrough m y head: What should I do? Should I confront him ? Should I
j ust walk up next t o him , st and t here and st are at him , and m ake him squirm 138 ? I 'm not proud of
t hese quest ions, but since honest y is one of m y highest values, I 'm giving it t o you st raight .
I n a m om ent , t hough, m y act ions were guided by m y values. Why? I opened m y not ebook t o writ e
som et hing down, and t here were m y values hierarchies, placed at t he front of m y book. At t he t op it
said, " What 's m ost im port ant t o m e in life is t o be loving and warm ." Hm m m m . " Be int elligent ."
Hm m m m . " Be cheerful. Be honest . Be passionat e. Be grat eful. Have fun. Make a difference ..." Well,
as you can im agine, m y st at e changed pret t y radically. Obviously m y pat t ern had been br oken. A
135
br ist le 1. Borst e; ( Bart ) St oppel; 2. auch brist le up sich st räuben; zornig werden; st rot zen, w im m eln ( wit h von)
illu st r iou s berühm t
137
scu r r y huschen; t rippeln
138
squ ir m sich winden
136
rem inder of who I really am and what I 'm really about was st aring m e in t he face. What t o do becam e
obvious.
When t he plane landed, I approached him wit h sincerit y and warm t h and t old him t hat while by no
m eans did I appreciat e or approve of his past behavior, I had decided t o no longer hold a ferocious
level of resent m ent t oward him , and t hat I act ually wished him well. The last m em ory I have was his
st unned face as I t urned and walked away. Wow! What an em ot ional hit ! Even in a st ressful
environm ent , I 'd lived by what I believed was right . Not hing in life can m at ch t he fulfillm ent of
knowing you've done what you t ruly believe is t he right t hing.
Give yourself t he gift of t aking hold of t his force t hat shapes your dest iny. Make cert ain t hat you t ake
t he t im e t o do t he exercises t hat can clarify t he priorit ies of your life.
I s it possible t o have values and not feel t hat you're living t hem ? You can have a great syst em of
values t hat gives your life a m agnificent direct ion but st ill feel unhappy, unless you underst and t he
power of...
16
RULES: I F YOU'RE NOT HAPPY, HERE'S WHY!
" Hold yourself responsible for a higher st andard t han anybody else expect s of you."
HENRY WARD BEECHER
As I writ e t hese words, I 'm looking out over t he deep blue Pacific from m y room at t he Hyat t Regency
Waikoloa resort on t he Big I sland of Hawaii. I 've j ust observed som et hing t hat won't happen in Nort h
Am erica again unt il t he year 2017: a t ot al eclipse of t he sun. Becky and I got up t his m orning at 5: 30
a.m . so t hat we, along wit h t housands of ot her visit ors, could wit ness t his rare ast ronom ical event .
As crowds of people gat hered at t he viewing sit e, I began t o ent er t ain m yself by wat ching t he diversit y
of people who had com e t o share t his occasion: everyone from t op businessm en t o vacat ioning
fam ilies, from scient ist s lugging dozens of t elescopes t o hikers who'd pit ched t heir t ent s in t he lava pit s
overnight , and lit t le children who knew t his was an excit ing event only because t heir parent s had t old
t hem so. Here were hordes of people who had flown in from all over t he world, at a cost of t housands
of dollars, j ust for t he chance t o see som et hing t hat would t ake about four m inut es! What were we
doing here? We want ed t o st and in a shadow! We'r e an int erest ing species, aren't we?
By 6: 28 a.m ., t he dram a had begun t o unfold. There was anxiet y in t he air, not j ust t he ant icipat ion of
seeing t he eclipse, but t he fear of disappoint m ent . For on t his unique m orning, t he clouds had begun
t o gat her, and t he sky was becom ing overcast . I t was int erest ing t o see how people were dealing wit h
t he possibilit y t hat t heir expect at ions would not be m et . What t hey had com e t o see was not m erely a
brief flit t ing 139 of t he m oon over t he sun, but a four- m inut e t ot al eclipse—when t he shadow of
t he m oon would com plet ely block t he sun's rays and envelop us in darkness. They even had a nam e
for it : t ot alit y!
By 7: 10 a.m ., t he clouds had increased and were get t ing larger by t he m inut e. Suddenly, t he sun
broke t hrough a hole in t he clouds, and for a m om ent we could all see a part ial eclipse. The crowd
greet ed it wit h excit ed applause, but soon t he clouds rolled back in, t hicker and t hicker, com plet ely
obscuring our view. Nearing t he m om ent of t ot alit y—ut t er darkness—it becam e obvious t hat we
wouldn't be able t o wat ch t he m oon overt ake t he sun.
Suddenly, t housands of people began t o run over t o a big- screen t elevision set t hat one of t he m any
TV crews had erect ed. There we sat , wat ching t he eclipse on nat ional t elevision, j ust like everyone else
in t he world! I n t hose m om ent s I had a chance t o observe an unlim it ed range of hum an em ot ion. Each
person responded according t o t heir rules: t heir beliefs about what had t o happen in order for t hem t o
feel good about t his experience.
139
flit ( - t t - ) flit zen, huschen
One m an behind m e st art ed cursing, saying, " I spent $4,000 and t raveled all t his way, j ust so I could
wat ch t his for four m inut es on t elevision?" A wom an only a few feet away kept saying, " I can't believe
we m issed it ! " while her bright lit t le daught er ent husiast ically rem inded her, " But , Mom , it 's happening
right now! " Anot her wom an sit t ing j ust t o m y right said, " I sn't t his incredible? I feel so lucky t o be
here! "
Then a dram at ic t hing happened. As we observed on TV t he last sliver of sunlight disappear behind t he
m oon, in t hat inst ant we were engulfed in darkness. I t was com plet ely unlike night fall, when t he sky
darkens gradually. This was im m ediat e and t ot al darkness! I nit ially t here was a roar t hrough t he crowd,
but t hen a hush 140 fell upon us. The birds flew int o t he t rees and becam e silent . I t was a t ruly am azing
m om ent . Then som et hing hyst erical happened. As people sat in t he dark, st aring at t he eclipse on t he
t elevision screen, som e of t hose who had brought t heir cam eras and were det erm ined t o get t heir
out com e began t aking pict ures of t he screen. I n a m om ent , we were flooded wit h light again—not
because of t he sun—but because of all t he flash bulbs!
Alm ost as soon as it had begun, t hough, t ot alit y was over. The m ost dram at ic m om ent of t he whole
event for m e was t he inst ant t hat a t hin sliver of t he sun slipped out from behind t he m oon, inst ant ly
bringing full daylight wit h it . I t occurred t o m e t hen t hat it doesn't t ake very m uch light t o wipe out t he
darkness.
Wit hin m om ent s of t he ret urn of sunlight , a large num ber of people got up and began t o leave. I was
puzzled. Aft er all, t he eclipse was st ill happening. Most of t hem were m ut t ering 141 com plaint s about
how t hey'd " com e all t his way and m issed out on t he experience of a lifet im e." A few enrapt ured 142
souls, however, lingered 143 t o wat ch every m inut e, feeling great excit em ent and j oy. The m ost ironic
t hing of all was t hat wit hin fift een t o t went y m inut es, t he t rade winds had cleared all t he clouds from
t he sky.
I t was now blue and clear, and t he eclipse was revealed 144 for everyone t o see. But few people had
rem ained; m ost had already ret urned t o t heir room s disgrunt led. They cont inued t o give t hem selves
t he sensat ions of pain because t heir expect at ions had not been m et .
As I usually do, I st art ed int erviewing people. I want ed t o find out what t heir experience of t he eclipse
had been. Many people t alked about how it was t he m ost incredible, spirit ual experience of t heir lives.
One pregnant wom an rubbed her swollen t um m y and shared wit h m e t hat t he eclipse som ehow had
creat ed a feeling of st ronger connect ion wit h her unborn child, and t hat t his was j ust t he right place on
eart h for her t o be. What a cont rast of beliefs and rules I not iced t oday!
What st ruck m e as m ost hum orous, t hough, was t hat people would get so excit ed and em ot ional about
som et hing like t his, which was m erely a four- m inut e shadow. I f you really t hink about it , it 's no m ore
of a m iracle t han t he sun com ing up each m orning! Can you im agine if every m orning people from all
over t he world got up early so t hey could wat ch t he sun com e up? What it nat ional and int ernat ional
news ardent ly covered ev ery phase of t he event wit h in- dept h report s, passionat ely t racking t he sun's
rise int o t he sky, and everybody spent t heir m ornings t alking about what a m iracle it is? Can you
140
h u sh 1. I nt er j ekt ion st ill! ; 2. St ille; 3. zum Schw eigen bringen; ! ! nicht huschen; h u sh u p vert uschen
m u t t e r 1. m urm eln; m urren; 2. Mur m eln; Murren
142
e n r a pt u r e d ent zück t , hingerissen
143
lin ge r verweilen, sich aufhalt en; dahinsiechen; lin ge r on noch dableiben; übert ragen fort leben
141
im agine t he kind of days we'd have? What if CNN opened ever y broadcast wit h, " Good m orning. Once
again, t he m iracle has happened—t he sun has risen! " ? Why don't we respond t his way? Could we? You
bet we could. But t he problem is t hat we've becom e habit uat ed. We'r e so accust om ed t o t he m iracles
happening ar ound us ever y day t hat we don't even see t hem as m iracles anym ore.
For m ost of us, our rules for what 's valuable dict at e t hat we covet t hings t hat are scarce, inst ead of
appreciat ing t he m iracles t hat abound. What det erm ined t he differences in t hese people's responses,
from one m an who got so upset he dest royed his cam era on t he spot , t o t hose who not only
experienced j oy t oday, but would experience it every t im e t hey t old ot hers about t he eclipse in t he
com ing weeks, m ont hs, and years?
Our experience of t his realit y had not hing t o do wit h realit y, but was int erpret ed t hrough t he
cont rolling force of our beliefs: specifically, t he rules we had about what had t o happen in order for us
t o feel good. I call t hese specific beliefs t hat det erm ine when we get pain and when we get pleasure
rules. Failure t o underst and t heir power can dest roy any possibilit y for lifelong happiness, and a full
underst anding and ut ilizat ion of t hem can t ransform your life as m uch as anyt hing we've covered in
t his ent ire book.
Let m et ask you a quest ion before we go any furt her. What has t o happen in order for you t o feel good?
Do you have t o have som eone hug you, kiss you, m ake love t o you, t ell you how m uch t hey respect
and appr eciat e you? Must you m ake a m illion dollars? Do you have t o hit below- par golf? Do you have
t o be acknowledged by your boss? Do you have t o achieve all of your goals? Do you have t o drive t he
right car, go t o t he right part ies, be known by t he right people? Do you have t o be spirit ually evolved
or wait unt il you achieve t ot al enlight enm ent ? Do you have t o run five m iles a day? What really has t o
happen in order for you t o feel good?
The t rut h is t hat not hing has t o happen in order for you t o feel good. You don't need an eclipse t o feel
good. You could feel good right now for absolut ely no reason what soever! Think about it . I f you m ake
a m illion dollars, t he m illion dollars doesn't give you any pleasure. I t 's your rule t hat says, " When I hit
t his m ark, t hen I 'll give m yself perm ission t o feel good." I n t hat m om ent , when you decide t o feel good,
you send a m essage t o your brain t o change your responses in t he m uscles of your face, chest , and
body, t o change your breat hing, and t o change t he biochem ist ry wit hin your nervous syst em t hat
causes you t o feel t he sensat ions you call pleasure.
Who do you t hink had t he worst t im e t he day of t he eclipse? Those wit h t he m ost int ense rules about
what had t o happen befor e t hey could feel good! There's no doubt t hat t he scient ist s, and t he t ourist s
who saw t hem selves as scient ist s, probably had t he m ost pain. Many of t hem had huge agendas t hey
were t rying t o com plet e in t hose four m inutes before t hey could feel good about it .
Don't m isunderst and; t her e's not hing wrong wit h being com m it t ed t o accom plishing and doing
everyt hing you can. But years ago, I m ade a dist inct ion t hat changed t he qualit y of m y life forever: as
long as we st ruct ure our lives in a way where our happiness is dependent upon som et hing we cannot
cont rol, t hen we will experience pain. Since I wasn't willing t o live wit h t he fear t hat pain could shake
m e anym ore, and I considered m yself t o be int elligent , I redesigned m y rules so t hat when I feel pain
and when I feel pleasure is whenever I feel it 's appr opriat e based on m y capacit y t o direct m y own
144
r e ve a l den Blick freigeben auf ( Akkusat iv ) , zeigen; Geheim nis und so weit er ent hüllen, aufdecken
m ind, body, and em ot ions. Specifically, Becky and I enj oyed t he eclipse im m ensely. We were in Hawaii
for ot her reasons anyway ( t o conduct m y t hree- week Cert ificat ion program ) , so com ing here a few
days early t o wat ch t he eclipse was a bonus for us.
But t he real reason we enj oyed ourselves was not t hat we had low expect at ions; we were looking
forward t o it . The key t o our happiness could be found in one key rule we shared: we decided t hat our
rule for t he day was t hat we were going t o enj oy t his event no m at t er what happened. I t wasn't t hat
we didn't have expect at ions; it was t hat we decided t hat no m at t er what happened, we'd find a way t o
enj oy it .
Now, if you adopt ed and consist ent ly applied t his rule t o your own life, can you see how t hat would
change virt ually everyt hing you exper ience? When I t ell people about t his rule, som e of t hem respond,
" Yeah, but you're j ust lowering your st andards." Not hing could be furt her from t he t rut h! To adopt t his
rule is t o raise your st andards. I t m eans you'll hold yourself t o a higher st andard of enj oying yourself
despit e t he condit ions of t he m om ent . I t m eans you've com m it t ed t o being int elligent enough, flexible
enough, and creat ive enough t o direct your focus and evaluat ions in a way t hat allows you t o
experience t he t rue richness of life—m aybe t hat 's t he ult im at e rule.
I n t he last chapt er, you began t o design for yourself a hierarchy of values t o refine and define t he
direct ion of your life. You need t o underst and t hat whet her or not you feel like you're achieving your
values is t ot ally dependent upon your rules—your beliefs about what has t o happen for you t o feel
successful or happy or experiencing love.
You can decide t o m ake happiness a pr iorit y, but if your rule for happiness is t hat everyt hing m ust go
j ust as you planned, I guarant ee you're not going t o experience t his value on a consist ent basis. Life is
a variable event , so our rules m ust be organized in ways t hat allow us t o adapt , grow, and enj oy. I t 's
crit ical for us t o underst and t hese unconscious beliefs t hat cont rol when we give ourselves pain and
when we give ourselves pleasure.
JUD GE AN D JURY
We all have different rules and st andards t hat govern not only t he way we feel about t he t hings t hat
happen in our lives, but how we'll behave and respond t o a given sit uat ion. Ult im at ely what we do and
who we becom e is dependent upon t he direct ion t hat our values have t aken us. But equally, or
possibly even m ore im port ant ly, what will det erm ine our em ot ions and behav iors is our beliefs about
what is good and what is bad, what we should do and what we m ust do. These precise st andards and
crit eria are what I 've labeled rules.
Rules are t he t rigger for any pain or pleasure you feel in your nervous syst em at any m om ent . I t 's as if
we have a m iniat ure court syst em set up wit hin our brains. Our personal rules are t he ult im at e j udge
and j ury. They det erm ine whet her or not a cert ain value is m et , whet her we'll feel good or bad,
whet her we'll give ourselves pain or pleasure. I f I were t o ask you, for exam ple, " Do you have a great
body?," how would you respond? I t would depend on whet her you t hink you m eet a cert ain set of
crit eria t hat you believe const it ut es having a great body.
Here's anot her quest ion: " Are you a great lover?" Your answer will be based upon your rules of what 's
required t o be a great lover, t he st andards t o which you hold yourself. I f you t old m e, " Yes, I 'm a great
lover," I 'd discover your rules by asking t he key quest ion, "How do you know you're a great lover?
What has t o happen in order for you t o feel you're a great lover?"
You m ight say som et hing like, " I know I 'm a great lover because when I m ake love wit h a person, t hey
usually say t hat it feels great ." Ot hers m ight say, " I know I 'm a great lover because m y lover t ells m e
so."
Or " I know I 'm a great lover because of t he responses I get from m y part ner." Ot hers m ight say, " I
know I 'm a great lover because I feel good when I 'm m aking love." ( Doesn't t heir part ner's response
m at t er at all? Hm m m .) Or your answer m ight j ust be, " Ask around! " On t he ot her hand, som e people
don't feel t hat t hey're gr eat lovers.
I s t his because t hey aren't great lovers? Or is it because t heir rules are inappr opriat e? This is an
im port ant quest ion t o answer. I n m any cases, people won't feel t hat t hey're a great lover because
t heir part ner doesn't t ell t hem t hat t hey're a great lover. Their part ner m ay respond passionat ely, but
because t hey don't m eet t he specific rule of t his individual, t he person is cert ain t hey're not a great
lover.
This predicam ent of not feeling t he em ot ions we deserve is not lim it ed t o relat ionships or lovem aking.
Most of us have rules t hat are j ust as inappropriat e for defining success, m aking a difference, securit y,
int elligence, or anyt hing else. Everyt hing in our lives, from work t o play, is presided over by t his
j udge- and- j ury syst em .
The point here is sim ple: our rules are cont rolling our responses every m om ent we're alive. And, of
course, as you've already guessed, t hey have been set up in a t ot ally arbit rary fashion. Like so m any
ot her elem ent s of t he Mast er Syst em t hat direct s our lives, our rules have result ed from a dizzying
collage of influences t o which we've been exposed. The sam e punishm ent and r eward syst em t hat
shapes our v alues shapes our rules. I n fact , as we develop new values, we also develop beliefs about
what it will t ake t o have t hose values m et , so rules are added cont inuously. And, wit h t he addit ion of
m ore rules, we oft en t end t o dist ort , generalize, and delet e our past rules. We develop rules in conflict .
For som e people, rules are form ed out of t heir desire t o rebel against rules t hey grew up wit h.
Are t he rules t hat guide your life t oday st ill appropriat e for who you've becom e? Or have you clung t o
rules t hat helped you in t he past , but hurt you in t he present ? Have you clung t o any inappropriat e
rules from your childhood?
" Any fool can m ake a rule—And every fool will m ind it ."
HENRY DAVI D THOREAU
Rules are a short cut for our brains. They help us t o have a sense of cert aint y about t he consequences
of our act ions; t hus, t hey enable us t o m ake light ning- quick decisions as t o what t hings m ean and
what we should do about t hem . When som eone sm iles at you, if you had t o engage in a long,
t edious145
145
t e diou s langweilig, er m üdend
set of calculat ions in order t o figure out what t hat m eans, your life would be frust rat ing. But inst ead
you have a rule t hat says if a person sm iles at you, t hen it m eans t hey're happy, or t hey're friendly, or
m aybe t hey like you. I f som eone frowns at you, t hen it t riggers anot her set of rules for what t hings
m ean and what you should do about it . For som e people, if som eone frowns at t hem , t hen t heir rule is
t hat t he person is in a bad st at e and should be avoided. Ot her people, however, m ight have a rule t hat
says, " I f som eone's in a bad st at e, t hen I need t o change t heir st at e."
ARE YOU M UD D LED 1 4 6 OR PERFECT?
I rem em ber reading an int ricat e 147 st ory in Gregory Bat eson's book 5t eps t o an Ecology of Mind. I t was
a t ranscript of a conversat ion he'd had wit h his daughter years ago, and I 'll paraphrase it for you here.
One day she approached him and asked an int erest ing quest ion: " Daddy, how com e t hings get
m uddled so easily?"
He asked her , " What do you m ean by 'm uddled,' honey?"
She said, " You know. Daddy. When t hings aren't perfect . Look at m y desk right now. St uff is all over
t he place. I t 's m uddled. And j ust last night I worked so hard t o m ake it perfect . But t hings don't st ay
perfect . They get m uddled so easily! "
Bat eson asked his daught er, " Show m e what it 's like when t hings are perfect ." She responded by
m oving everyt hing on her shelf int o individually assigned posit ions and said, " There, Daddy, now it 's
perfect . But it won't st ay t hat way."
Bat eson asked her, " What if I m ove your paint box over here t welve inches? Then what happens?"
She said, " No, Daddy, now it 's m uddled. Anyway, it would have t o be st raight , not all crooked t he way
you put it down."
Then he asked her, " What if I m oved your pencil from t his spot t o t he next one?"
" Now you're m aking it m uddled again," she responded.
" What if t his book were left part ially open?" he cont inued.
" That 's m uddled, t oo! " she replied.
Bat eson t urned t o his daught er and said, " Honey, it 's not t hat t hings get m uddled so easily. I t 's t hat
you have m ore ways for t hings t o get m uddled. You have only one way for t hings t o be perfect ."
Most of us have creat ed num erous ways t o feel bad, and only a few ways t o t ruly feel good. I never fail
t o be am azed at t he over whelm ing num ber of people whose rules wire t hem for pain. I t 's as if t hey
have a vast and int ricat e net work of neural pat hways leading t o t he very st at es t hey're t rying t o avoid,
and yet t hey have only a handful of neural pat hways t hat t hey've connect ed t o pleasure.
A classic exam ple of t his is a m an who at t ended one of m y Dat e Wit h Dest iny sem inars. He was a wellknown Fort une 500 execut ive, beloved by his com m unit y for his cont ribut ions, a fat her of five who was
very close t o his children and wife, and a m an who was physically fit —a m arat hon runner. I asked him ,
146
m u ddle 1. Durcheinander; be in a m u ddle durcheinander sein; 2. auch m u ddle u p durcheinander bringen;
m u ddle t h r ou gh um gangssprachlich: sich durchw urst eln
147
in t r ica t e ver wickelt , kom pliziert
" Are you successful?" To t he ast onishm ent of all present , he quit e seriously answered, " No." I asked
him , " What has t o happen in order for you t o feel successful?" ( Rem em ber, t his is t he key quest ion
you'll always ask t o discover your rules or anyone else's.)
What followed was a lit any of rigid rules and requirem ent s t hat he felt he m ust m eet in order t o be
successful in his life. He had t o earn $3 m illion a year in salary ( he was current ly earning only $1.5
m illion in st raight salary, but an addit ional $2 m illion in bonuses—t his didn't count , t hough) , he had t o
have 8 percent body fat ( he was at 9 percent ) , and he had t o never get frust r at ed wit h his kids
( rem em ber t hat he had five of t hem , all going in different direct ions in life) . What do you t hink are t his
m an's chances of feeling successful, when he has t o m eet all of t hese int ense and arguably
unreasonable crit eria sim ult aneously? Will he ever feel successful?
By cont rast , t here was anot her gent lem an who we had all not iced was pract ically bouncing off t he
walls because he had so m uch energy . He seem ed t o be enj oying t he sem inar and life t o t he ut m ost . I
t urned t o him and asked t he sam e quest ion: " Are you successful?" He beam ed back at m e and said,
" Absolut ely! " So I asked him , " What has t o happen in order for you t o feel successful?" Wit h a huge
grin he explained, " I t 's so easy. All I have t o do is get up, look down, and see t hat I am above
ground! "
The crowd roared. He cont inued, " Every day above ground is a great day! " This rule has becom e a
favorit e of t he Dat e Wit h Dest iny st aff, and now at every program we display it t o rem ind each of us
how successful we are t he m om ent we pull back t he covers each m orning.
Like t he CEO who wasn't m eet ing his own rules, you could be winning and feel like you're losing
because t he scorecar d you're using is unfair. Not only is it unfair t o you, it 's also unfair t o your spouse
and children, t he people you work wit h every day, and all t he ot hers whose lives you t ouch. I f you've
set up a syst em of rules t hat causes you t o feel frust rat ed, angr y, hurt , or unsuccessful—or you have
no clear rules for knowing when you're happy, successful, and so on—t hose em ot ions affect t he way
you t reat t he people around you as well as how t hey feel when t hey're near you. Also, whet her you are
aware of it or not , oft en you are j udging ot her people t hrough a set of rules t hat you m ay never have
expressed—but we all expect ot hers t o com ply wit h our rules, don't we? I f you're being hard on
yourself, you're likely t o be hard on ot hers as well.
Why would anyone im pose such st rict regulat ions on t hem selves and t he people t hey love m ost ? A lot
of it has t o do wit h cult ural condit ioning. Many of us are afraid t hat if we don't have very int ense rules,
t hen we won't be driven t o succeed, we won't be m ot ivat ed t o work hard and achieve. The t rut h is t hat
you don't have t o have ridiculously difficult rules t o keep your dr ive! I f a person m akes t heir rules t oo
int ense, t oo painful, pret t y soon t hey'll begin t o realize t hat no m at t er what t hey do, t hey can't win,
and t hey begin t o experience learned helplessness. We cert ainly want t o use t he power of goals, t he
allure of a com pelling fut ure, t o pull ourselves forward, but we m ust m ake sure t hat at t he bot t om of it
all we have rules t o allow us t o be happy anyt im e we want .
DO YOUR RULES EMPOWER OR DI SEMPOWER YOU?
We want t o develop rules t hat m ove us t o t ake act ion, t hat cause us t o feel j oy, t hat cause us t o follow
t hrough—not rules t hat st op us short . I 've found t hat t here are an am azing num ber of m en and
wom en who set up rules for relat ionships t hat m ake it absolut ely im possible for t hem t o succeed in t his
area of t heir lives. For exam ple, som e people's rule for love is, " I f you love m e, t hen you'll do what ever
I want you t o do." Or " I f you love m e, t hen I can whine and com plain and nag, and you should j ust
accept it ." Are t hese appr opriat e rules? Hardly! They'd be unfair t o anyone you were sharing a
relat ionship w it h.
One wom an who at t ended Dat e Wit h Dest iny t old m e t hat she really want ed t o have a close
relat ionship wit h a m an, but j ust hadn't seem ed able t o m aint ain a relat ionship wit h one past t he init ial
" t hrill of t he chase" phase. As I began t o ask her, " What has t o happen for you t o be at t r act ed t o a
m an?" her rules helped us bot h inst ant ly underst and what her challenge was. For her t o feel at t ract ed
t o a m an, he had t o pursue her const ant ly, even t hough she cont inued t o rej ect him . I f he kept
working hard, t rying t o break down t he barrier, t hat m ade her feel incredibly at t ract ed t o him ; t o her
t his m eant he was a very powerful m an. But what 's int erest ing was her second rule. I f he kept on for
m ore t han a m ont h, she lost her respect and t herefore her at t ract ion t o him . So guess what norm ally
would happen? A few m en would t ake her rej ect ion and keep on pursuing her, but of course m ost
would give up aft er a short period of t im e. Thus she would never have a relat ionship wit h t hem . Then,
t he few who persist ed would secret ly have her favor for a while, but aft er an arbit rary period of about
a m ont h, she'd com plet ely lose int erest . She found herself unable t o st ay at t ract ed t o any m an for
m ore t han a m ont h because no m an was able t o ant icipat e her com plex t im et able.
What rules do you have t hat are equally unwinnable? For som e people, in order t o feel like t hey're in
cont rol in any cont ext , t hey have t o know what 's going t o happen in advance of it s occurrence. For
ot hers, in order t o feel like t hey're confident in som e area, t hey have t o have experience in doing it . I f
t his were m y rule for confidence, I couldn't accom plish m ost of what I 've done in m y life! Most of m y
success has com e from m y abilit y t o get m yself t o feel cert ain I could achieve som et hing, even t hough
I had no references for it . My rule for confidence is, " I f I decide t o be confident , t hen I 'll feel t hat way
t oward anyt hing, and m y confidence will help m e succeed."
Com pet ence is anot her int erest ing rule. Som e people's rule for com pet ence is, " I f I 've done som et hing
perfect ly over a period of years, t hen I 'm com pet ent ." Ot her people's rule is, " I f I 've done it effect ively
once, t hen I 'm com pet ent ." And for ot hers, com pet ence is, " I f I 've done anyt hing like it , t hen I know I
can m ast er t his as well, and t herefore I 'm com pet ent ." Do you see t he im pact t hese kinds of rules
would have on your confidence, your happiness, your sense of cont rol, t he qualit y of your act ions, and
your life?
SET UP TH E GAM E SO YOU CAN W I N
I n t he last chapt er, we devot ed a great deal of t im e t o set t ing up values. But as I 've already st at ed, if
you don't m ake t he rules achievable, you'll never feel like t hose values are being m et . When I first
st art ed t o develop m y ideas on designing dest iny, I had only t he concept of values and not rules, so
whet her or not a person felt like t hey were on t rack was com plet ely arbit rary. The day I discovered
rules, I began t o underst and t he source of pain and pleasure in our experience. I underst ood t hat rules
are t he t riggering device of hum an em ot ion, and began t o evaluat e how I could use rules m ore
effect ively.
As I 've m ent ioned befor e, it quickly becam e clear t o m e t hat t he m aj orit y of people are wired for pain.
Their rules m ake it very, very difficult t o feel good, and very easy t o feel bad. Let m e give you a
powerful exam ple. Here are t he values of a wom an we'll call Laurie who at t ended one of m y earliest
Dat e Wit h Dest iny sem inars:
LAURI E'S OLD MOVI NG- TOWARD VALUES
Love
Healt h
Securit y
Freedom
Success
Accept ance
Excellence
Harm ony
Respect
I nt egrit y
Honest y
Fun
At first glance, t hese values look wonderful, don't t hey? You would t hink t hat t his person is probably
loving and healt hy and freedom - orient ed. Wit h a closer look, t hough, we can already see a few
challenges.
Laurie's t hird value is securit y, and her fourt h value is freedom . Do t hose t wo sound like t hey go well
t oget her? The realit y was t hat t his wom an was wired for m assive pain. She was frust rat ed in every
sense of t he word, and was lit erally becom ing a recluse 148 , hiding out from people. No t herapist she'd
visit ed could figure out why. They were all working on her behaviors, her fears, and her em ot ions,
inst ead of looking at t he way her Mast er Syst em of evaluat ing every event and experience of her life
was wired.
So I began t o elicit her rules for each of her values: " What has t o happen in order for you t o feel
?" For her t o feel love, her answer was, " I have t o feel like I 've earned it . I have t o feel like
all m y beliefs are accept ed and approved of by every person I m eet . I can't feel like I 'm loved unless
I 'm perfect . I have t o be a great m ot her, a great wife," and so fort h.
I nst ant ly we began t o see t he problem . Love was t he highest value on her list , t he great est source of
pleasure she could possibly feel in her body. Yet her rules did not allow her t o give herself t his
pleasure unless she m et t hese com plex crit eria which she couldn't cont rol! I f any of us m ade our abilit y
148
r e clu se Einsiedler( in)
t o feel loved dependent on everyone accept ing our views, we wouldn't feel love very oft en, would we?
There ar e j ust t oo m any people wit h different ideas and beliefs, and t herefore t oo m any ways for us t o
feel bad.
How do we know if a rule em powers or disem powers us? There are t hree prim ary crit eria:
1. I t 's a disem powering rule if it 's im possible t o m eet . I f your crit eria are so com plex or varied or
int ense t hat you can't ever win t he gam e of life, clearly you have a disem powering rule.
2. A rule is disem powering if som et hing t hat you can't cont rol det erm ines whet her your rule has been
m et or not . For exam ple, if ot her people have t o respond t o you in a cert ain way, or if t he environm ent
has t o be a cert ain way, you clearly have a disem powering rule. A classic exam ple of t his is t he people
wait ing t o view t he eclipse who couldn't be happy unless t he weat her—som et hing t hey couldn't
cont rol—act ed according t o t heir specific expect at ions.
3. A rule is disem powering if it gives you only a few ways t o feel good and lot s of ways t o feel bad.
Laurie had m anaged t o m eet all t hree of t hese crit eria for disem powering rules, hadn't she? Having t o
feel t hat all her beliefs were accept ed and approved by people was an im possible crit erion. I t required
t he out side environm ent , som et hing she could not cont rol—ot her people's opinions—t o m ake her feel
good. I t prov ided lot s of ways t o feel bad, and provided no clear way t o feel good. Here are som e of
t he rest of her rules for her values hierarchy:
LAURI E'S OLD MOVI NG- TOWARD VALUES AND RULES
Love: I have t o feel like I 've earned it , like all m y beliefs are accept ed and approved. I can't feel like
I 'm loved unless I 'm perfect . I have t o be a great m ot her and wife.
Healt h: I have t o feel like m y diet is perfect by m y st rict st andards.
I have t o be com plet ely free of physical pain. I m ust feel like I 'm healt hier t han everyone I know and
be an exam ple.
Securit y: Everyone m ust like m e. I m ust feel t hat everyone I m eet is cert ain I 'm a good per son. I m ust
be cert ain t hat t here will be no nuclear war. I m ust have m uch m ore m oney in m y savings account
t han I already do.
Freedom : I m ust be in cont rol of m y working dem ands, hours, fees, opinions, et c. I m ust be financially
secure enough not t o live under st ress or financially relat ed pressure.
How likely do you t hink it is t hat Laurie will m eet one of her values, m uch less any? What about her
rules for healt h? " I have t o feel like m y diet is perfect by m y st rict st andards." She was not only a
veget arian, but at e only raw food, and she st ill didn't feel perfect ! What are your chances of being
healt hier t han everyone you know? Not m uch, unless you hang out in t he int ensive care unit !
LAURI E'S OLD MOVI NG- AWAY- FROM VALUES AND RULES
Rej ect ion: I feel rej ect ed if som eone doesn't share m y beliefs, if som eone seem ingly knows m ore t han
I do.
Failure: I feel failure if som eone doesn't believe I 'm a good person. I feel failure if I don't feel I support
m yself or m y fam ily well enough.
Anger: I feel anger when I don't feel like what I do is appreciat ed, when people j udge m e before t hey
know m e.
These m oving- away- from rules are equally im m obilizing. Not ice how easy it is t o feel bad, and how
hard it is t o feel good. I f all it t akes for her t o feel rej ect ed is som eone not sharing her beliefs, t hen
she's in for a lot of heart ache. And what are t he chances in your life of having people j udge you before
t hey know you? Only about one hundred percent ! Wit h t hese rules, can you im agine what it would be
like t o live in her body? She was racked wit h pain, and one of her biggest sour ces, if you look at her
rules, was people. Any t im e she was around people, she was risking t he possibilit y t hey m ight not
share her beliefs, or m ight not like her, or m ight j udge her. No wonder she was hiding out ! At one
point I finally said, " I t 's m y guess t hat a person wit h values and rules like t his would develop an
ulcer 149 ." She said, " I already have one."
Laurie's experience, unfort unat ely, is not unique. Cert ainly som e of her rules are m ore int ense t han
ot hers. But you will be absolut ely surprised when you find out how unfair your own rules are when you
begin t o scrut inize 150 t hem ! At Dat e Wit h Dest iny, we at t ract som e of t he m ost successful people in t he
count ry—people whose level of skill and influence in t he cult ure is unm at ched. And yet , while t hey're
successful on t he out side, m any are lacking t he happiness and fulfillm ent t hey deserve. I nvariably, it 's
because of values conflict s or inappropriat e rules.
TH E SOLUTI ON
The solut ion is very sim ple. All we have t o do t o m ake our lives work is set up a syst em of evaluat ing
t hat includes rules t hat are achievable, t hat m ake it easy t o feel good and hard t o feel bad, t hat
const ant ly pull us in t he direct ion we want t o go. Cert ainly it 's useful t o have som e rules t hat give us
pain. We need t o have lim it s; we need t o have som e kind of pressure t hat drives us. I can't t ast e fresh
orange j uice unless I have a glass, som et hing wit h lim it s t o cont ain t he j uice. We all have lim it s, bot h
as a societ y and as individuals. For st art ers, t hough, we should at least rewire ourselves so we can
experience pleasure m ore consist ent ly in life. When people are feeling good all t he t im e, t hey t end t o
t reat ot hers bet t er, and t hey t end t o m axim ize t heir pot ent ial as hum an beings.
So what 's our goal? Once we design our values, we m ust decide what evidence we need t o have before
we give ourselves pleasure. We need t o design rules t hat will m ove us in t he direct ion of our values,
t hat will clearly be achievable, using crit eria we can cont rol personally so t hat we're ringing t he bell
inst ead of wait ing for t he out side world t o do it .
Based on t hese requirem ent s, Laurie changed t he order of som e of her values and com plet ely changed
her rules for achieving t hem . Here are her new values and rules:
149
150
u lce r MEDI ZI N Geschwür
scr u t in ize genau pr üfen; m ust ern
LAUME'S NEW MOVI NG- TOWARD VALUES AND RULES
Love: I experience love anyt im e I express love, give love t o ot hers, or allow m yself t o receive it .
Healt h: I am healt hy when I acknowledge how wonderful I already feel!
Fun: I 'm having fun when I find pleasure and j oy in t he process.
Grat it ude: I feel grat eful when I appreciat e all t he t hings I have in m y life right now.
Freedom : I feel free when I live by m y convict ions and accept t he choice t o creat e happiness for
m yself.
Not ice t hat fun is now a priorit y. This t ransform ed her experience of life, not t o m ent ion her
relat ionship wit h her daught er and husband. But even m ore powerful were t he changes she m ade in
her rules. Changing t he values would have lim it ed im pact if t he rules were unachievable.
What has t his wom an done? She has rewired her ent ire life so t hat she's in cont rol. You and I need t o
rem em ber t hat our self- est eem is t ied t o our abilit y t o feel like we're in cont rol of t he event s in our
environm ent . These rules allow Laurie t o always be in cont rol wit hout even t rying.
Are her new rules for love achievable? You bet ! Who's in cont rol? She is! At any m om ent in t im e, she
can decide t o be loving t o herself and ot hers, and she'll now have perm ission t o give herself t he
em ot ion called love. She'll know she's m eet ing her highest values. How oft en can she do t his? Every
single day! There are lot s of ways t o do it because t here are lot s of people she can be loving t o: herself,
her fam ily, her friends, and st ranger s. How about her new rule for healt h? What 's beaut iful about it is
t hat not only is she in charge—because she can acknowledge how wonderful she feels at any
m om ent —and not only is it achievable, but isn't it t rue t hat if she regularly acknowledges feeling good,
she'll reinforce t he pat t ern of becom ing m ore healt hy?
I n addit ion, Laurie adopt ed som e new m oving- away- from values. She select ed em ot ions she knew she
had t o avoid indulging in order t o succeed: negat ivit y and procrast inat ion. Rem em ber, we want t o
reverse t he process of how m ost of us are wired. We want t o m ake it hard t o feel bad, and easy t o feel
good.
LAURJE'S NEW MOVI NG- AWAY- FROM VALUES AND RULES
Negat ivit y: I avoid consist ent ly depending on t he accept ance of ot hers for m y ult im at e happiness and
success.
Procrast inat ion: I avoid consist ent ly expect ing perfect ion from m yself and ot hers.
Wit h Laurie's new m oving- away- from rules, she no longer depends upon t he accept ance of ot hers. Her
rule for procrast inat ion is based on her realizat ion t hat expect ing perfect ion creat ed pain, and she
hadn't want ed t o begin pr oj ect s t hat would creat e pain, so t hat 's why she'd been procrast inat ing.
These changes in values and rules have redirect ed her life t o a level beyond anyt hing she could have
im agined.
Now, here's an assignm ent for you: based on t he new values you've set up for yourself in t he last
chapt er, creat e a set of rules for your m oving- t oward values t hat m akes it easy t o feel good, and a set
of rules for your m oving- away- from values t hat m akes it hard t o feel bad. I deally, creat e a m enu of
possibilit ies wit h lot s of ways t o feel good. Here are a few of m ine:
A SAMPLI NG OF MY MOVI NG- TOWARD VALUES AND RULES
Healt h and Vit alit y: Anyt im e I feel cent ered, powerful, or balanced; anyt im e I do anyt hing t hat
increases m y st rengt h, flexibilit y, or endurance; any t im e I do anyt hing t hat m oves m e t oward a sense
of physical well- being; anyt im e I eat wat er- rich foods or live in accordance wit h m y own healt h
philosophy.
Love and Warm t h: Anyt im e I 'm being warm and support ive of m y friends, fam ily, or st rangers;
anyt im e I focus on how t o help; anyt im e I 'm loving t oward m yself; anyt im e m y st at e of being
enhances how ot her people feel.
Learning and Growing: Anyt im e I m ake a new dist inct ion t hat 's useful; anyt im e I st ret ch m yself
beyond what was com fort able; anyt im e I t hink of a new possibilit y; anyt im e I expand or becom e m ore
effect ive; anyt im e I apply anyt hing I know in a posit ive way.
Achieving: Anyt im e I focus on t he value of m y life as already creat ed; anyt im e I set an out com e and
m ake it happen; anyt im e I learn anyt hing or creat e value for m yself or ot hers.
You m ay say, " I sn't t his j ust a gam e? Couldn't I set it up so t hat I m eet m y rule for healt h j ust by
breat hing?" Cert ainly you could base it on som et hing t his sim ple. I deally, t hough, you'll design your
rules so t hat by pursuing t hem you have m ore of what you want in your life. You also m ay say, " Won't
I lose m y drive t o succeed if t here's no pain m ot ivat ion?" Trust m e. Life will give you enough pain on
your own if you don't follow t hrough. You don't need t o add t o it by creat ing an int ense set of rules
t hat m akes you feel lousy all t he t im e.
I n sociology t here's a concept known as " et hnocent ricit y," which m eans we begin t o believe t hat t he
rules, values, and beliefs of our cult ure are t he only ones t hat are valid. This is an ext rem ely lim it ing
m indset .
Every person around you has different rules and values t han you do, and t heirs are no bet t er or worse
t han your own. The key quest ion is not whet her rules are right or wrong, but whet her t hey em power
or disem power you. I n fact . . .
EV ERY UPSET I S A RULES UPSET
Think about t he last t im e you were upset wit h som eone. Was it really about t hem , or was it about
som et hing t hey did, or said, or failed t o do t hat you t hought t hey ought t o? Were you angr y at t hem ,
or were you angry because t hey violat ed one of your rules? At t h e ba se of e ve r y e m ot ion a l u pse t
you 've e ve r h a d w it h a n ot h e r h u m a n be in g is a r u le s u pse t . Som ebody did som et hing, or failed
t o do som et hing, t hat violat ed one of your beliefs about what t hey m ust or should do.
For exam ple, som e people's rule for respect is, " I f you respect m e, t hen you never raise your voice." I f
a person wit h whom you're in a relat ionship suddenly st art s t o yell, you're not going t o feel respect ed
if t his is your rule. You're going t o be angry because it has been violat ed. But your part ner's rule m ay
be, " I f I 'm respect ful, t hen I 'm t rut hful about all m y feelings and all m y em ot ions—good, bad, and
indifferent —and I express t hem wit h all m y int ensit y in t he m om ent ." Can you im agine t he conflict
t hese t wo people can have?
This was t he scenario played out bet w een Becky and m e when we first began t o develop our
relat ionship. We had radically different rules about how t o show respect for anot her person. Why? I
grew up in an environm ent where you got a lot of pain if you weren't honest . I f you walked out of t he
room in t he m iddle of a conversat ion, you would never live it down. The num ber- one rule was t hat you
hung in t here and expressed your honest em ot ions, knowing you could be wrong, but you st ayed t her e
unt il everyt hing was worked out .
Meanwhile, Becky grew up in a fam ily where t he rules were quit e different but equally clear. She was
t aught , " I f you don't have som et hing good t o say, don't say anyt hing at all; if you have respect for
som eone, you never raise your voice t o t hem ; if som eone else ever raises t heir voice, t he only way t o
keep your self- respect is t o get up and leave t he room ."
Wit h t his kind of conflict bet ween our rules for respect , Becky and I drove each ot her crazy. We alm ost
didn't get m arried because of t his. Rules det erm ine everyt hing—where we go, what we wear, who we
are, what 's accept able t o us, what 's unaccept able, who we have as friends, and whet her we're happy
or sad in virt ually any sit uat ion.
Som e people's rule for handling upset is, " I f you care about m e, t hen you leave m e alone and let m e
deal wit h it m y own way." Ot her people's rule is, " I f som ebody's upset , and y ou care about t hem , you
im m ediat ely int ervene t o t ry t o help." This creat es a t rem endous conflict . Bot h people are t r ying t o
accom plish t he sam e t hing, which is t o respect and care about each ot her, but t heir rules dict at e
different behaviors, and t heir rules of int erpret at ion will m ake t heir act ions seem adversarial rat her
t han support ive. So if you ever feel angry or upset wit h som eone, rem em ber, it 's your rules t hat are
upset t ing you, not t heir behavior. This will help you t o st op blam ing t hem . You can get past your upset
quickly by first st opping and asking yourself, " Am I react ing t o t his, or am I responding t o t he sit uat ion
int elligent ly?" Then, com m unicat e wit h t hat person right up front and say som et hing like, " I 'm sorry I
responded t he way I did. I t 's j ust t hat you and I have different rules about what we need t o do in t his
sit uat ion.
My expect at ions are t hat if you respect m e, you'll do_______ and _______ . I know t hose aren't your
rules. So please t ell m e what your rules are. How do you express respect , [ love, caring, concern,
et c.] ?"
Once you're bot h clear on what t he ot her person want s, t hen you can m ake a deal. Ask t hem , " Would
you be willing t o do _______ t o m ake m e feel respect ed? I 'd be willing t o do _______ for you." Any
relat ionship—business or personal— can be inst ant ly t ransform ed j ust by get t ing clear on t he rules and
m aking an agreem ent t o play by t hem .
Aft er all, how can you ever hope t o win a gam e if you don't even know t he rules?
TH E CH ALLEN GE OF CH AN GI N G RULES
Have you ever found yourself in a sit uat ion where you knew what t he rules were, but all of a sudden
except ions st art ed cropping up? People have t he unique abilit y t o call upon sub- rules t hat m ay be in
conflict wit h all t heir ot her rules. A good m et aphor for t his m ight be if you and I decide t o play baseball
t oget her, and I ask you, "Do you know how t o play baseball?" and you say, "Of course." Then you'd
review t he basics: " We'd play nine innings, t he person who scores t he m ost runs wins, you've got t o
t ouch all t he bases, you get t hree out s, and so on. I f you hit a pop fly and I cat ch it , you're out . I f I
drop it , you're safe."
So we st art t he gam e. Everyt hing's going great unt il t he bot t om of t he nint h, when t he score is t ied, I
have t wo m en on and one m an out , and, I hit a high pop fly t o t he infield. My rules say t hat if you
cat ch t he ball, I 'm out and t he gam e is over, but if you drop it , I 'm safe and t he m en on base have a
chance t o score, and I could win t his gam e. I im m ediat ely run t o base; you go for t he ball and drop it .
I 'm t hrilled, I 'm on base, m y t eam m at e scores, and I t hink we've won t he gam e.
But you com e t o m e and say, " No, you're out ! " I say, " What are you t alking about ? You dr opped t he
ball! The rules are t hat if you drop ball, t hen I 'm safe." And t hen you say, " That 's t rue, except when
t here are t wo m en on and one m an out . I n t hat case, even if I drop t he ball t hen you're st ill out . That 's
t he one except ion."
I prot est , " You can't m ake up rules as we're going along! " You would answer, " I didn't m ake t his up.
I t 's called t he infield fly rule. Everyone knows about it ." I t urn t o m y t eam m at es, and t hey say no such
rule exist s. You t urn t o your t eam m at es, and t hey all say t hat t hat 's t he rule—and we all end up
fight ing over t he rules.
Have you ever had t his experience in a personal relat ionship? You were playing by all t he rules, and all
of a sudden som eone said, " Yes, t hat 's t rue, except in t his one sit uat ion," and you went ballist ic.
People feel very int ensely about t heir rules. Everyone knows t heir rules are t he right rules. People get
especially angry when t hey t hink ot hers are m aking up rules or changing t hem along t he way. Yet t his
dynam ic is a part of m ost int eract ions wit h ot her hum an beings.
PARAD OXI CAL PROVERBS
Look before you leap.
Too m any cooks spoil t he brot h.
Absence m ak es t he heart grow fonder.
You can't t each an old dog new t ricks.
The grass is always greener on t he ot her side of t he fence.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
He who hesit at es is lost .
Two heads ar e bet t er t han one.
Out of sight , out of m ind.
I t 's never t oo lat e t o learn.
There's no place like hom e.
You can't t ak e it wit h you.
I n fact , t he paradox of conflict ing beliefs and rules is one of t he reasons people find so m uch
frust rat ion in t heir lives. I n a relat ionship, one person says, " I love you, except when you leave t he
cap off t he t oot hpast e," or " I love you, except when you raise your voice at m e." Som e of t hese subrules seem t ot ally t rivial, but t hey can be very dam aging. The best way t o deal wit h t his is t o
rem em ber t hat your rules are not based on realit y. They're purely arbit rary 151 . Just because you've
used t hem and feel st rongly about t hem doesn't m ean t hey're t he best rules or t he right rules. Rules
should be designed t o em power our relat ionships, not dest roy t hem . Any t im e a rule get s in t he way,
t he quest ion we need t o ask ourselves is, " What 's m ore im port ant ? My relat ionship or m y rules?"
Suppose your t rust was once violat ed in a rom ant ic relat ionship, and now you're afraid t o get close t o
anyone else again. You now have a rule t hat says, " I f you get t oo close, you'll get hurt ." At t he sam e
t im e, your highest value is love, and your rule is t hat in order t o feel love, you m ust get close t o
som eone. Now you have a m aj or conflict : your rules and values are in absolut e opposit ion. What can
you do in t his sit uat ion? The first st ep is t o realize t hat you have conflict ing rules. The second st ep is t o
link enough pain t o any rule t hat doesn't serve you, and replace it wit h a rule t hat does. Most
im port ant , if you want t o have qualit y relat ionships wit h ot her people, whet her it 's in your business or
personal life, you m ust . . .
COM M UN I CATE YOUR RULES
I f you want t o t ake cont rol of your life, if you want t o do well in business, if you want t o be a great
negot iat or, if you want t o be able t o im pact your children, if you want t o be close t o your spouse, t hen
m ake sure you discover t he rules t hey have for a relat ionship up front , and com m unicat e ; yours as
well. D on 't e x pe ct pe ople t o live by you r r u le s if you don 't cle a r ly com m u n ica t e w h a t t h e y
a r e . And don't expect people t o live by your rules if you're not willing t o com prom ise and live by som e
of t heirs. For exam ple, in t he beginning of any relat ionship, one of t he first t hings I do is let t he ot her
part y know m y rules for t he sit uat ion, and t ry t o find out as m any of t heir rules as possible. I ask
t hings like "What will it t ake for you t o know t hat our relat ionship is working? How oft en do
we have t o com m unicat e? What is necessary?"
For exam ple, I was once t alking wit h a friend of m ine who is a well- known celebrit y, and he shared
wit h m e t hat he didn't feel like he had very m any friends. I said, "Are you sure you don't have m any
friends? I see lot s of people around you who t ruly do care about you. I s it t hat you have rules t hat
elim inat e a lot of people who could be your friends?" He said, " I t j ust doesn't feel like t hey're m y
151
a r bit r a r y w illkürlich, eigenm ächt ig
friends." I said, " What has t o happen for you t o feel like t hey're your friends?" He said, " Well, I guess I
don't even know what m y rules are, consciously." Aft er giving it som e t hought , he ident ified one of his
t op rules for friendship: if you're a friend of his, t hen you t alk wit h him at least t wo, or t hree t im es a
week. " That 's an int erest ing rule," I t hought . " I have friends all over t he world, people I t ruly love. But
som et im es, even wit h m y best friends, a m ont h or m ore m ay go by before we get a chance t o t alk
again, j ust because of t he int ensit y of our schedules. Oft en I 'll be in sem inars from early m orning unt il
very lat e at night , and t hen I m ay have had 100 phone calls in t hat day. There's no physical way I
could t alk t o all t hose people! Yet t hey all know t hey're m y friends."
Then I asked him , " Do you t hink I 'm your friend?" He said, " Well, int ellect ually I know you are, but
som et im es it doesn't feel like it because we don't t alk t oget her oft en enough." I said, " Wow, I never
knew t hat ! I never would have known t hat was im port ant t o you if you hadn't com m unicat ed it t o m e.
I bet you have lot s of friends who m ight love m eet ing your rules for friendship if t hey j ust knew what
t hey were." My definit ion for friendship is quit e sim ple: if you're a friend, t hen you absolut ely love a
person uncondit ionally, and you'll do anyt hing you can t o support t hem . I f t hey call you when t hey're
in t rouble or t ruly in need, you're t here for t hem . Mont hs go by, yet t he friendship would never weaken
once you decide t hat som ebody is t ruly your friend. That 's it ! You never quest ion it again. I t hink I
have lot s of friends because m y rules for friendship are so easy t o m eet ! All you have t o do is care
about m e and love m e, and I 'll care about you and love you, and now we're friends.
I t 's so im port ant t o com m unicat e your rules for any sit uat ion in life, whet her it 's love, friendship, or
business. By t he way, even if you clarify all t he rules in advance, can m isunderst andings st ill occur?
You bet . Som et im es you'll forget t o com m unicat e one of your rules, or you m ay not even consciously
know what som e of your rules are. That 's why ongoing com m unicat ion is so im port ant . Never assum e
when it com es t o rules. Com m unicat e.
TH ERE ARE SOM E RULES YOU CAN N OT BREAK!
The m ore I began t o st udy people's behavior and t he im pact of t heir rules, t he m ore int erest ed I
becam e in a dynam ic t hat I not iced consist ent ly, and t hat was t hat t here are cert ain rules t hat people
would never violat e, and ot her rules t hat t hey would violat e cont inuously—t hey'd feel bad about it each
t im e, but t hey'd go ahead and do it anyway. What was t he difference?
Aft er som e research, t he answer becam e clear: we have a hierarchy of rules, j ust as we do values.
There ar e cer t ain rules t hat , t o break t hem , would give us such int ense pain t hat we don't even
consider t he possibilit y. We will rarely, if ever, break t hem . I call t hese rules t hreshold rules. For
exam ple, if I asked you, " What 's som et hing you would never do?," you'd give m e a t hreshold rule.
You'd t ell m e a rule t hat you would never violat e. Why? Because you link t oo m uch pain t o it .
Conversely, we have som e rules t hat we don't want t o break. I call t hese per sonal st andards. I f we do
break t hem , we don't feel good about it , but depending upon t he reasons, we'r e willing t o break t hem
in t he short t erm . The difference bet ween t hese t wo rules is oft en phrased wit h t he words m ust and
should. We have cert ain t hings t hat we m ust do, cert ain t hings t hat we m ust not do, cert ain t hings
t hat we m ust never do, and cert ain t hings t hat we m ust always do. The " m ust " and t he " m ust never"
rules are t hreshold rules; t he " should" and " should never" rules are personal st andard rules. All of
t hem give a st ruct ure t o our lives.
Too m any " m ust " rules can m ake life unlivable. I once saw a program t hat feat ured t went y fam ilies of
quint uplet s. Each set of parent s was asked, " What is t he m ost im port ant t hing you've learned for
m aint aining sanit y?" The one m essage t hat was echoed repeat edly was: Don't have t oo m any rules.
Wit h t his m any bodies in m ot ion, and t his m any different personalit ies, if you've got t oo m any rules,
you'll go crazy. The law of averages says your rules are going t o be violat ed const ant ly, and t herefore
you're going t o be in cont inual st ress, react ing t o everyt hing.
This kind of st ress affect s you and t he people around you. Think of t he rules we have t oday for wom en
in our societ y. They even have a nam e for it : t he " Superwom an Syndrom e." Wom en t oday seem t o
have t o do everyt hing, and do it perfect ly. Not only do t hey have t o t ake care of t heir husband,
children, parent s, and friends, but t hey have t o have t he perfect body, t hey have t o go out and change
t he world, t hey have t o prevent nuclear war, and t hey have t o be t he consum m at e business person on
t op of it all. Do you t hink t hat could creat e a lit t le st ress in life, having t hat m any m ust s in order t o feel
successful?
Of course, wom en aren't t he only ones in societ y who are going t hrough t his—t oday's m en and
children are also under t rem endous st ress because of increased expect at ions. I f we're bur dened wit h
t oo m any m ust s t o m eet , we lose our ent husiasm and zest 152 for life; we j ust don't want t o play t he
gam e anym ore. High self- est eem com es from feeling like you have cont rol over event s, not t hat
event s have cont rol over you. And when you have a lot of " m ust " rules, t he chances of t hem being
violat ed are great .
What would be a " m ust never" rule in a relat ionship? Many people m ight say, " My husband or wife
m ust never have an ext ram arit al affair." For ot her people, however, t hat 's only a should rule: " My
husband or wife should never have an ext ram arit al affair." Might t hat difference in rules have t he
pot ent ial t o creat e problem s down t he road? I t 's highly possible. I n fact , when people have relat ionship
upset s, invariably it 's because alt hough t hey've agreed on t he rules, t hey haven't agreed on whet her
it 's a " m ust never" or a " should never." I t 's necessar y not only t o underst and what kinds of rules your
part ner has, but also t o keep in m ind t hat bot h " m ust " and " should" rules are appropriat e.
I n order t o achieve cert ain out com es, it 's im port ant t o have plent y of " m ust " rules t o m ake sure t hat
we'll follow t hrough, t hat we'll t ake act ion. For exam ple, I have a friend who's in superb physical
condit ion. What 's int erest ing is her set of rules for herself in t he area of healt h: she has very few
shoulds and a lot of m ust s. I asked her, " What m ust you never do if you want t o be healt hy?" She said,
" I m ust never sm oke. I m ust never violat e m y body wit h drugs. I m ust never pig out . I m ust never go
m ore t han a day wit hout exercising."
Then I asked, " What m ust you do in order t o be healt hy?" Again, t he list was long: " I m ust exercise
every day for at least half an hour. I m ust eat t he right kinds of foods. I m ust eat only fruit in t he
m orning. I m ust com bine m y foods properly. I m ust ride at least fift y m iles on m y bicycle every week."
152
ze st übert r agen Würze; Begeist er ung; z e st for life Lebensfreude
And t he list went on. Finally I asked for her " should" rules. She said, " I should exercise m ore." And
t hat was it !
Now, t his wom an has an overweight friend. When I asked her what she m ust never do in order t o be
healt hy, she gazed 153 at m e wit h a blank st are 154 . She had no " m ust never" rules in t he area of healt h!
She did have a couple of m ust rules, however: she m ust eat , and she m ust sleep. Then I asked if she
had any " should" rules. " Sure," she said, " I should eat bet t er; I should exercise. I should t ake bet t er
care of m y body." She also had a list of " should not " rules such as, " I should not eat m eat , I should
not overeat ," and so on. This wom an had plent y of t hings she knew she should do, but because she
had very few " m ust " rules, she never got int o t he posit ion of giving herself int ense pain for doing
unhealt hy t hings.
And it wasn't difficult t o realize why she had never been able t o keep t he weight off. I f you've ever
procrast inat ed on anyt hing, were you perhaps using som e " should" rules such as, " I should st art t his
proj ect " or " I should begin an exercise program " ? What would have happened inst ead if you had
decided, " I m ust st art t his proj ect " or " I m ust start t his exercise program ," and t hen followed t hrough
by condit ioning it int o your nervous syst em ?
Rem em ber, we all need som e st ructur e. Som e people have no clear rules for when t hey're successful.
Rules can provide t he cont ext ual environm ent for us t o creat e added value. Rules can m ot ivat e us t o
follow t hrough; t hey can cause us t o gr ow and expand. Your goal is sim ply t o creat e a balance
bet ween your " m ust " rules and your " should" rules and t o ut ilize bot h t ypes of rules in t he appropriat e
cont ext .
RULES REALI GN M EN T
Right now, begin t o t ake cont rol of your rules by writ ing down your answers t o t he following quest ions.
Make your answers as t horough as possible.
1. What does it t ake for you t o feel successful?
2. What does it t ake for you t o feel loved—by your kids, by your spouse, by your parent s, and by
whoever else is im port ant t o you?
3. What does it t ake for you t o feel confident ?
4. What does it t ake for you t o feel you are excellent in any area of your life?
Now look at t hese rules and ask yourself, " Are t hey appropriat e? Have I m ade it really hard t o feel
good and easy t o feel bad?" Do you have 129 t hings t hat m ust happen before you feel loved? Does it
t ake only one or t wo t hings t o m ake you feel rej ect ed?
I f t hat 's t rue, change your crit eria and com e up wit h rules t hat em power you. What do your rules need
t o be in order for you t o be happy and successful in t his endeavor? Here's a crit ical dist inct ion: design
153
154
ga ze 1. ( st ar rer) Blick; ! ! nicht Gaze; 2. st arren; ga z e a t st arren auf ( Akkusat iv) , anst arren
st a r e 1. st arr en; st a r e a t j em anden anst ar ren; 2. ( st arrer) Blick , St arren
your rules so t hat you're in cont rol, so t hat t he out side world is not what det er m ines whet her you feel
good or bad. Set it up so t hat it 's incredibly easy for you t o feel good, and incredibly hard t o feel bad.
For t he rules t hat govern your m oving- t oward values, use t he phrase " Anyt im e I ..." I n ot her words,
creat e a m enu of possibilit ies of ways t o feel good. For exam ple, " I feel love anyt im e I give love, or
anyt im e I spend t im e wit h people I love, or anyt im e I sm ile at som eone new, or anyt im e I t alk wit h an
old friend, or anyt im e I not ice som eone doing som et hing nice for m e, or anyt im e I appr eciat e t hose
who already love m e." Do you not ice what you've done? You've m ade t he gam e winnable by st acking
t he deck out rageously in your favor!
Com e up wit h t ons of ways t o sat isfy your rules for feeling love; m ake it incredibly easy t o experience
t hat pleasure, and m ake sure t o include plent y of crit eria t hat are under your sole cont rol, so you don't
have t o depend on anyone or anyt hing else t o feel good. Any t im e you do any of t hese t hings, you
would feel love—not j ust by m eet ing som e out landish 155 crit erion t hat only occurred about as oft en as
a t ot al eclipse of t he sun! By t he way, I have a rule for you: while you're doing t his, you m ust have
fun! Get out rageous; ex plore t he out er edges. You've been using rules all your life t o hold you back;
why not get a few laughs at t heir expense? Maybe in order t o feel love, all you have t o do is wiggle
your lit t le t oe. I t sounds weird 156 , but who am I t o decide what gives you pleasure?
Now, be sure t o discover t he rules of t he people around you. Go out and do som e polling. Find out
what your kids' rules are for being a fam ily m em ber, or for being successful in school, or for having fun.
I bet you'll be am azed at what you discover! Find out your spouse's rules; ask your parent s; ask your
boss or your em ployees. One t hing is sure: if you don't know t he rules, you're guarant eed t o lose
because you're bound t o v iolat e t hem sooner or lat er. But if you underst and people's rules, you can
predict t heir behavior; you can t ruly m eet t heir needs and t hus enrich t he qualit y of your relat ionships.
Re m e m be r , t h e m ost e m pow e r in g r u le is t o e n j oy you r se lf n o m a t t e r w h a t h a ppe n s.
I n t he past few chapt ers we've nearly com plet ed learning about t he five elem ent s of t he Mast er
Syst em . We know t he im port ance of st at e, t he way quest ions direct our focus and evaluat ions, and t he
power of values and rules t o shape our lives. Now let 's discover t he fabric from which all t hese
elem ent s are cut ...
155
156
ou t la n dish befrem dlich, sonderbar
w e ir d unheim lich; um gangssprachlich: sonderbar, v errückt
17
REFERENCES: THE FABRI C OF LI FE
" Man's m ind st ret ched t o a new idea never goes back t o it s original dim ensions."
OLI VER WENDELL HOLMES
As he st ood on t he flight deck, t he young lieut enant wat ched a j et plane skid out of cont rol ont o t he
aircraft carrier, a wing slashing 157 out and nearly cut t ing in half a m an st anding only a few feet away.
The only t hing t hat pulled him t hrough t he horror of t he m om ent was t he boom ing voice of his
com m anding officer shout ing at him : " Som ebody get a broom 158 , and sweep t hese gut s off t he deck! "
There was no t im e t o t hink.
He had t o respond im m ediat ely. He and his fellow crewm en swept t heir com rade 159 's body par t s off t he
landing st rip. I n t hat inst ant , ninet een- year- old George Bush had no choice but t o learn t o deal wit h
t he carnage of war. I t would be a m em ory he would recit e oft en t o describe t he shock of violent deat h
and t he necessit y t o be able t o respond.
Anot her experience t hat shaped his life was a bom bing m ission he flew not long aft er t he t ragedy on
t he ship's deck. He was sent t o bom b a radio t ower on a sm all island in t he Sout h Pacific. Chichi Jim a
was a Prisoner of War facilit y run by an infam ous Japanese officer, Mat oba, who Bush and his crew
knew had com m it t ed brut al war crim es against his prisoners: such unbelievable at rocit ies160 as
cannibalizing som e of t he m en and put t ing t heir rem ains int o t he soup for m eat , feeding it t o t he ot her
prisoners, and t hen t elling t hem aft erward t hat t hey had eat en hum an flesh.
As young George Bush approached t he t arget , he was absolut ely resolved t o isolat e t his m adm an by
dest roying his only t ool of com m unicat ion: t he radio t ower. As he approached his bom bing run, he was
hit by enem y at t ack. Sm oke filled t he cabin, but he was det erm ined t o hit his m ark. I n t he final
seconds, he m anaged t o r elease t he bom b, sm ashing t he t arget and dest roying t he ant enna. I nst ant ly
he gave t he orders t o ej ect . He t urned t he plane back out t o sea, and when his t urn cam e, t he bailout
didn't t ake place as planned. His body was slam m ed against t he t ail of t he aircraft , t earing a port ion of
his parachut e and grazing 161 his head.
157
sla sh 1. auf- , zerschlit zen; Preise drast isch herabset zen; Ausgaben und so weit er drast isch k ürzen; sla sh a t
schlagen nach; 2. Hieb; Schlit z ( im Kleid und so weit er ) ; I NFORMATI ONSTECHNOLOGI E Schrägst r ich
158
br oom Besen m ännlich
159
com r a de Kam erad; ( Part ei) Genosse
160
a t r ocit y Scheußlichkeit ; Gr euelt at
161
gr a ze Vieh w eiden ( lassen) ; ( ab) w eiden; ( ab) grasen gr a ze 1. st r eifen; schram m en; Haut ( ab- , auf) schürfen,
( auf) schram m en; 2. Abschürfung, Schram m e
The dam aged parachut e funct ioned only part ially in breaking his fall, but j ust before he hit t he wat er,
he cut him self loose. St ruggling back t o t he surface wit h blood oozing 162 from his head wound, he
desperat ely groped 163 for his life raft . He found it , but as he dragged him self int o it , he saw t hat
t he wat er and food canist ers had been dest royed upon im pact wit h t he aircraft 's t ail.
To m ake m at t ers worse, t he current was slowly pulling him direct ly t oward t he beach of t he island he'd
j ust bom bed. Can you im agine what t hey would do t o him ? As his raft was drawn closer and closer t o
t he shore, his fear grew. Then, suddenly, he began t o see som et hing in t he wat er. At first he t hought it
was his im aginat ion, t hen he realized it was a periscope. He was about t o becom e a prisoner of t he
Japanese.
But as t he huge subm arine began t o lift out of t he wat er in front of him , he realized it was t he Finback,
an Am erican subm arine! He was rescued, but only in t im e for him t o have t o endure yet m ore peril 164 .
Upon picking up Bush, t he Finback dropped quickly as t he enem y boat s approached and began
dropping dept h charges on t he subm ar ine. All t he Finback could do was dive and rem ain t ot ally st ill.
The crew was unable t o do anyt hing but call upon t heir fait h and pray t hat t he explosives would not
dest roy t hem .
George Bush not only survived t his experience, but also com plet ed m any ot her successful bom bing
m issions, and ret urned a war hero. He said t hat his days upon t hat subm arine were som e of t he m ost
im port ant of his life—days when he began t o t hink about dest iny, about who he was and why he was
put on eart h.
What role did t hese experiences play in shaping t he charact er, ident it y, and dest iny of George Bush?
Clearly, t hey becam e t he fabric from which m any of his core beliefs and values would be cut —t he
fabric I call reference experiences—t hese experiences would be part of what would guide him m ore
t han fort y years lat er t o becom ing President of t he Unit ed St at es. They also helped t o m old his beliefs
and his sense of cert aint y t hat good m ust " st and up t o evil." They gave him a sense of confidence t hat
if he gave his all and didn't give up, he would produce t he result s he desired against all odds. How do
you t hink t hese references shaped his act ions alm ost five decades lat er as he sat in t he Oval Office,
cont em plat ing his response t o Saddam Hussein's unprovoked invasion of friendly Kuwait ?
I f we want t o underst and why people do what t hey do, a review of t he m ost significant and im pact ful
reference ex periences of t heir lives cert ainly gives us clues. References—t he fift h elem ent of a person's
Mast er Syst em —really provide t he essence, or t he building blocks, for our beliefs, rules, and values.
They are t he clay from which our Mast er Syst em is m olded. Ther e is no doubt t hat a person who has
experienced and t rium phed over t rem endous adversit y clearly has st rong references from which t o
build a consist ent level of confidence—a belief or fait h in t hem selves and in ot hers, and t he capacit y t o
overcom e challenges.
The larger t he num ber and great er t he qualit y of our references, t he great er our pot ent ial level of
choices. A larger num ber and great er qualit y of references enables us t o m ore effect ively evaluat e
what t hings m ean and what we can do. The reason I say " pot ent ial" choice is t hat , while references
provide us wit h t he foundat ional ingredient s of our beliefs, we oft en fail t o organize our references in
162
ooze sicker n; ooz e a w a y übert ragen schwinden; absondern; über t ragen ausst rahlen, verst röm en
gr ope t ast en
164
pe r il Gefahr weiblich
163
ways t hat st rengt hen us. For exam ple, a young m an m ay have t rem endous confidence and skill on t he
foot ball field, but when he ent ers his hist ory class, he m ay fail t o sum m on t hat sam e sense of cert aint y
t hat could help him t o m axim ize his pot ent ial as well in t he classroom as he does when he's facing his
foe across t he line on t he gridiron. I f he approached foot ball wit h t he sam e at t it ude of defeat or doubt
as he did his hist ory class, he'd be incredibly ineffect ive.
What det erm ines which of our references we use? Clearly, t he em ot ional st at e we're in will radically
im pact which files—i.e., which m em ories, em ot ions, feelings, sensat ions t hat we've st ored—are
available t o us. When we're in a fearful st at e, only t he references we've associat ed wit h t hose fearful
sensat ions in t he past seem t o com e t o m ind, and we find ourselves caught up in a loop ( "fear" leading
t o " reference of fear" leading t o " m ult iplied fear" ) .
I f we're feeling hurt by som eone, we t end t o open t he file and rem em ber ev er y ot her exper ience when
t hat person hurt us, rat her t han changing our st at e by rem em ber ing how t his person really feels about
us, rem em bering t im es when t hey've been loving t o us. Therefore, t he st at e we're in will det erm ine
how m uch of t his fabric is available for t he creat ion of a qualit y life. Anot her fact or besides st at e is t o
have an expanded reference syst em , one t hat can clearly add t o our level of underst anding as t o what
is possible and what we're capable of, no m at t er what challenges m ay arise.
There's no doubt references are one of t he m ost im port ant elem ent s of our decision- m aking process.
They clearly will shape not only what we do, but how we feel and who we becom e. Cont rast Saddam
Hussein's reference exper iences wit h George Bush's. We know t hat Saddam 's fat her physically abused
him , t hat his uncle t aught him how t o nurt ure a grudge165 and t o hat e t he English " overlords." While
Bush was rewarded for heroism , Saddam 's role m odels were t hose who learned t o cont rol ot hers wit h
m urder and propaganda.
Over a period of about fift een t o t went y years, Saddam repeat edly at t em pt ed t o oust 166 t he leader of
I raq, killing anyone who got in his way. As a result , he doesn't perceive set backs, regardless of how
bloody—as failures; he's com e t o believe t hat in t he long run he'll always succeed.
This is a belief, by t he way, t hat has allowed him t o prevail even aft er his defeat in t he Persian Gulf
War. By t he age of fort y- t wo he had elim inat ed his opponent s and t aken cont r ol of I raq. To m any,
Saddam is a m onst er, and people oft en wonder how t he I raqis can support him . The answer is t hat
I raqis perceive Saddam Hussein as one who helped t urn t hings around in t heir count ry: he helped t o
provide bet t er housing, educat ion, and so on. To t he I raqis, he is a hero. Besides, all I raqis from t he
age of four or five are t aught t hat he's a hero. His im age is displayed everyw here, and t hey see only
his best side on nat ionally cont rolled t elevision.
Did Saddam Hussein becom e a m urder er purely because of his references of being abused as a child?
Far from it . Many people have em erged from very sim ilar reference experiences as com passionat e and
sensit ive people who, because of t heir pain, would never allow anyone else t o be abused ar ound t hem .
Many of t hese people st rive t o help ot hers. Could som eone else have been on t hat sam e ship wit h
George Bush and been dev ast at ed by t he deat h of t heir friend, and used t hat as a reference for t he
165
166
gr u dge 1. m issgönnen ( som eone som et hing j em andem et was) ; 2. Groll
ou st verdrängen, hinauswerfen ( from aus) ; j em anden seines Am t es ent heben
belief t hat life is not wort h living or t hat war is never j ust ified? You bet . Once again, it 's not our
references, but our int erpret at ions of t hem , t he way we organize t hem —t hat clearly det erm ine
our beliefs.
Which references play t he largest role in our life's experiences? I t all depends on what we get
reinforced for. Saddam was rewarded for cut t ing a wide swat h of m urder and dest ruct ion en rout e t o
leadership of his count ry. George Bush was reinforced const ant ly for his focus on " doing t he right
t hing," cont ribut ing, and helping t hose in need. These reinforcem ent s helped t o creat e foundat ions for
very different dest inies for t hese m en's lives.
W H AT ARE REFEREN CES?
References are all t he experiences of your life t hat you've recor ded wit hin your nervous syst em —
everyt hing you've ever seen, heard, t ouched, t ast ed, or sm elled—st ored away inside t he giant file
cabinet of your brain. Som e references are picked up consciously, ot hers unconsciously.
Som e result from experiences you've had yourself; ot hers consist of inform at ion you've heard from
ot hers, and all your references, like all hum an exper ience, becom e som ewhat dist ort ed, delet ed, and
generalized as you record t hem wit hin your nervous syst em . I n fact , you also have references for
t hings t hat have never happened—any t hing you've ever im agined in your m ind is also st ored in your
brain as a m em ory.
Many of t hese references are organized t o support beliefs and, as you learned in Chapt er 4, a belief is
not hing but a feeling of cert aint y about what som et hing m eans. I f you believe you are int elligent , it 's
because you have act ivat ed cert ain references t o support t hat feeling of cert aint y.
Maybe you'v e had t he ex perience of successfully t ackling m ent al challenges, such as acing a t est or
running a business well. All of t hese reference exper iences act as " t able legs" t o support t he idea, or
" t able- t op," t hat you are int elligent .
We have enough references wit hin us t o back up any idea we want : t hat we're confident or t hat we're
weak, t hat we care or t hat we're selfish. The key is t o expand t he references t hat are available wit hin
your life.
Consciously seek out experiences t hat expand your sense of who you are and what you're capable of,
as well as organize your references in em powering ways.
" The knowledge of t he world is only t o be acquired in t he world, and not in a closet ."
LORD CHESTERFI ELD
Not long ago I heard about a m an who found $35,000 cash in a bag on t he st r eet . He inst ant ly sought
out and ret urned it t o t he owner. Everyone who heard t he st ory want ed t o congrat ulat e t his m an, but
he shied away from t he m edia and refused t o be film ed. He adam ant ly 167 insist ed t hat ret ur ning t he
m oney was t he right and only t hing he could do. I t t urned out t hat t his m oney was t he life savings of a
167
a da m a n t übert ragen unerbit t lich
sixt y- eight - year- old wom an, and t hrough his one act he probably saved her financial life, yet he
refused t o t ake credit . Why? Clearly t he references of his past had helped him t o develop a belief t hat
t aking credit for doing what obviously was t he right t hing would be t ot ally inappropriat e. He didn't
decide t o avoid t he recognit ion on a whim ; he had a sense of cert aint y t hat only his life references
could creat e.
Think of your references, bot h t hose you consider t o be good and bad, as a giant bolt of fabric woven
from your experiences. Wit h t he ot her elem ent s of your Mast er Syst em —your st at e, quest ions, values,
and beliefs—you cut a pat t ern from t his fabric t hat enables you t o m ake decisions about what t o do
wit h your life. You have an inexhaust ible supply of references t hat can be designed any way you wish.
And each day , you're adding t o t his supply. One im port ant m easure of a person's int elligence is t he
way in which t hey use t heir fabric of references. Do you craft a curt ain t o hide behind, or do you
fashion a m agic carpet t hat will carry you t o unequalled height s? Do you consciously dig t hrough your
life experience and pull out t hose m em ories t hat em power you m ost on a consist ent basis?
As you learned in Chapt er 4, probably one of t he m ost valuable t hings t hat references do for us is t o
provide a feeling of cert aint y. Wit hout t hem , we would live our whole lives afraid or in doubt ; we
wouldn't be able t o funct ion. Would it dist urb you if t his book suddenly levit at ed, float ed away, and
cam e t o rest five feet in front of you? The only reason you would feel any fear is t hat you have no
references for t his. You'd have no idea how t o int erpret what it m eans. Why will a baby reach int o a
dirt y asht ray, pull out a cigaret t e but t , and chew on it ? I sn't it because t hey don't have any references
t hat t ell t hem t his is not good for t hem ? ( Of course, som e adult s st ill haven't figured t his one out ! )
Let m e ask y ou again. How do you use your references? Do you consciously int erpret t hem in ways
t hat em power you, in ways t hat suppor t t he achievem ent of your goals? Or does your brain
aut om at ically lat ch on t o individual experiences where you're not support ed, and develop beliefs like
" Everybody's out t o get m e," or " Every t im e I t ry anything, I get knocked dow n," or " I don't deserv e t o
be loved" ?
The way we use our refer ences will det erm ine how we feel, because whet her som et hing is good or bad
is all based on what you're com paring it t o. When a businesswom an checks int o a hot el room , whet her
or not she t hinks t he room is nice is based on her past references. I guarant ee t hat if you t ook
som eone from East ern Europe and got t hem a room in t he sim plest budget m ot el here in t he Unit ed
St at es, you would find t hat t hey'd be t hrilled, t hinking t hat t hese were t op- rat e accom m odat ions.
Som et im es we lose perspect ive t hat good and bad are m erely based upon our references.
Dat e Wit h Dest iny is one of m y favorit e learning environm ent s because I 'm able t o consist ent ly see
how people's references are being used t o shape t heir behavior. As part of an in- dept h quest ionnaire
part icipant s fill out before t he sem inar, t hey list five experiences t hat t hey feel have shaped t heir
ent ire lives. What t hey ar e doing is sharing wit h m e som e of t heir m ost powerful references, and it
am azes m e how m any different m eanings t hey t ake from t he sam e references. Som e people have
been raped, sexually abused, abandoned. Som e have com e from broken or im poverished hom es. Yet
som e people int erpret t hese experiences in a way t hat helps t hem form t he belief t hat t heir life is not
wort h living, and ot hers use it t o m ot ivat e t hem selves t o st udy, t o expand, t o grow, t o share, t o be
m ore sensit ive.
I t 's t rue t hat Saddam Hussein was abused as a child, but so was Oprah Winfrey. Here is a wom an who
was raped and violent ly m ist reat ed in her yout h, yet t oday she t ouches m illions of lives daily wit h her
t elevision show. Sim ply by sharing her own experiences, she has helped people t o heal som e of t he
wounds from t heir past s. Millions of Am ericans feel close t o her because t hey know she underst ands;
i.e., she has references of pain, j ust like t hey do.
" We lift ourselves by our t hought , we clim b upon our vision of ourselves."
ORI SON SWETT MARDEN
References are not lim it ed t o your act ual experience. Your im aginat ion it self is a source of references.
Rem em ber Roger Bannist er and t he four- m inut e m ile? No one believed it was physically possible for
hum an beings t o run t he m ile in less t han four m inut es, yet he creat ed his own sense of cert aint y
t hrough im agined references. He visualized over and over again breaking t he four- m inut e m ile,
hearing and feeling him self break t he barrier unt il pret t y soon he had so m any reference legs t hat he
felt cert ain he would succeed—as cert ain as ot her people were t hat accom plishing t his t ask was
im possible.
We need t o rem em ber t hat our im aginat ion is t en t im es m ore pot ent t han our willpower. Because
Bannist er was able t o use his im aginat ion as t he legs support ing t he t ablet op of cert aint y, he was able
t o produce a result t hat was unheard of t hroughout hum an hist ory. I m aginat ion unleashed provides us
a sense of cert aint y and vision t hat goes far beyond t he lim it at ions of t he past .
Recent ly Mr. Akio Morit a sent m e his book, Made in Japan. Mr. Morit a is t he co- founder of Sony
Corporat ion and an unbelievably brilliant m an. The dest iny of Sony, j ust like any individual's, is t he
result of a series of decisions. I n his book, Morit a discloses t hat one of t he t oughest and m ost
im port ant decisions he ever m ade was t o t urn down an offer from Bulova Corporat ion t o purchase
100,000 of his breakt hrough t ransist or radios—at a t im e when his com pany was not even m oving
10,000 unit s a m ont h. The am ount of m oney t hey offered him was t en t im es what his com pany was
wort h at t he t im e, yet aft er deep considerat ion he rej ect ed t he deal.
Why? Sim ply because Bulova want ed t o put t heir own nam e on t he radio. He realized t hat while in t he
short t erm saying yes would give his com pany a huge j um p, he would be building Bulova's nam e
inst ead of Sony's. The Bulova execut ives could not believe he would t urn down t heir offer. He t old
t hem , " Fift y years from now, m y com pany's nam e will be as big as yours, and I know t hat t he radio
I 've creat ed is going t o help us develop t hat nam e."
Of course, all of Morit a's part ners t hought he was crazy. How was he able t o creat e t his sense of
cert aint y t hat enabled him t o t urn down such an ent icing 168 and profit able offer? He vividly im agined
t he fut ure of his com pany, and creat ed references where none ex ist ed. He direct ed his focus and
envisioned his goals wit h clarit y, and t hen backed it up wit h absolut e and act ive fait h. Today, Sony
Corporat ion is not only a leader in t he elect ronics indust ry, gener at ing $27 billion a year, but has also
diversified t o indust ries as far- reaching as film m aking ( acquiring Colum bia and Tri- St ar Pict ures) and
m usic ( acquiring CBS Records and Colum bia House) , and is renowned for it s qualit y around t he world.
168
e n t ice ( v er) locken
Wit h fait h, you can cling t o your vision in t he face of seem ing failure. What if Thom as Edison had given
up aft er his first failed at t em pt t o m ake t he elect ric light bulb? Or even aft er his hundredt h at t em pt ?
Luckily for all of us, he persist ed beyond t housands of at t em pt s. He could have t aken each inst ance as
a reference t o back up a belief t hat his invent ion was not feasible. I nst ead, he chose t o use each failed
at t em pt as a reference for t he belief t hat he was get t ing closer t o t he solut ion. Rem em ber, don't drive
int o t he past using your rear- view m irror as a guide. You want t o learn from your past , not live in it —
focus on t he t hings t hat em power you.
READ I N G I S FEED I N G YOUR M I N D
You are not even lim it ed t o your own personal experiences as references. You can borrow t he
references of ot her people. Early in m y life, I chose t o focus on t hose who had m ade it , t hose who had
succeeded and cont ribut ed and were im pact ing people's lives in a m aj or way. I did so by reading
biographies of successful people and learned t hat regardless of t heir background or condit ions, when
t hey held on t o t heir sense of cert aint y, and consist ent ly cont ribut ed, success event ually cam e. I used
t heir references as m y own, form ing t he core belief t hat I could t ruly shape m y own dest iny.
Do you rem em ber m y friend Captain Gerald Coffee who was a prisoner of war in Viet nam for over
seven years? A good deal of t hat t im e was spent in solit ary confinem ent . One of t he t hings t hat
enabled him t o preserv e his sanit y when t he out side world gave him no references for j oy was t o t urn
t o his own rich int ernal world. As a child he had m em orized various poem s and st ories, which he
repeat ed t o him self t o creat e a different " environm ent " from t he one he had t o endure day aft er day.
You don't have t o go int o solit ary confinem ent t o discover t he beaut y and power of cult ivat ing a
bount iful t reasure chest of m em ories and im agined references. How can you fill t hat chest ? Explore t he
wealt h of lit erat ure, st ories, m yt hs, poet ry, and m usic. Read books, view m ovies and videot apes, list en
t o audiot apes, go t o sem inars, t alk wit h people, and get new ideas. All references have power, and you
never know which one could change your ent ire life.
The power of reading a gr eat book is t hat you st art t hinking like t he aut hor. For t hose m agical
m om ent s while you are im m ersed in t he forest s of Arden, you are William Shakespear e; while you are
shipwrecked on Treasure I sland, you are Robert Louis St evenson; while you are com m uning wit h
nat ure at Walden, you are Henry David Thoreau. You st art t o t hink like t hey t hink, feel like t hey feel,
and use im aginat ion as t hey would. Their references becom e your own, and you carry t hese wit h you
long aft er you've t urned t he last page. That is t he power of lit erat ure, of a good play, of m usic; t hat is
why we const ant ly want t o expand our references.
I used t o believe t hat going t o see a play was a wast e of t im e. Why? Because t he only plays I had ever
at t ended wer e poorly act ed, and t heir pace was painfully slow. But one day Becky and I decided t o see
t he m usical Les Miserables. I have never seen, read, or heard anyt hing t hat m oved m e so deeply.
Since t hen, I 've becom e addict ed t o gr eat t heat er, and each t im e we go t o New York Cit y, it 's a
priorit y for us t o cat ch a show.
" I m aginat ion is m ore im port ant t han knowledge."
ALBERT EI NSTEI N
One of t he finest beliefs I developed y ears ago t hat helped m e t o enj oy all of m y life experience was
t he idea t hat t here are no bad experiences, t hat no m at t er what I go t hrough in life—whet her it 's a
challenging experience or a pleasurable one—every experience provides m e som et hing of value if I
look for it . I f I pull j ust one idea or one dist inct ion from an experience, t hen it expands m e.
Back when I was st ill in high school and scraping t oget her m oney any way I could in order t o at t end
personal dev elopm ent sem inars, m y friends were am azed t hat I 'd go back t o som e of t he sam e
sem inars again and again. Oft en t hey'd ask m e, " Why would you go back t o t he sam e progr am ?"
I nevit ably I 'd t ell t hem t hat I underst ood t he power of repet it ion, and each t im e I heard som et hing
new because I was different . Plus I knew t hat hearing som et hing again and again would event ually
condit ion m e t o use it , t hat repet it ion t ruly is t he m ot her of skill. Every t im e I reviewed a program , I
m ade addit ional dist inct ions or heard ideas t hat im pact ed m e different ly and enabled m e t o creat e new
references, and t hus new int erpret at ions, new act ions, and new result s in m y life.
USE CONTRAST TO PUT YOUR LI FE I N PERSPECTI VE
While som e references ennoble you and give you a higher vision, ot hers show you a side of life you'd
rat her not ex perience. But t hese are t he sort s of references t hat can be used t o help you keep your life
in balance. They provide a new level of cont rast . No m at t er how bad you t hink t hings are in your life,
it 's good t o rem em ber t hat som eone else has it worse. At m y nine- day Mast ery™ program s, I
invariably t ake a port ion of one day t o bring in people who've been t hrough physical or em ot ional hell
and have com e out on t op—t he W. Mit chells of t he world, or m y good friend Mique Davis, who, in his
drunken yout h, decided t o j um p off a bridge but didn't realize t he wat er was only about t wo feet deep.
He inst ant ly becam e paralyzed from t he neck down. These people begin t o share from t heir heart s how
great life is, how happy t hey are t o be alive, how m uch t hey've been able t o accom plish. Or I bring in
m y good friend Dax, who was t rapped in a fire, had his ent ire body burned, and was blinded. Lat er, in
spit e of all t hese challenges, he becam e a pract icing at t orney.
The t hem e for t he day is t o est ablish a sim ple and profound belief: " I have no problem s." I n cont rast
wit h t he brave individuals who share t heir st ories, everyone else in t he room knows t hey have no
challenges what soever. Suddenly, t he problem s t hey're having wit h t heir spouses, t heir children's
grades, t he loss of a business, or t heir failure t o achieve goals are im m ediat ely put int o perspect ive.
We can also use new references t o m ot ivat e ourselves if we st art becom ing com placent 169 . While it 's
t rue t hat no m at t er how bad t hings are for you, som eone else is going t hrough som et hing worse, it 's
also t rue t hat no m at t er how well t hings are going for you, som eone else is doing even bet t er. Just
when you t hink your skill has reached t he highest level, you find t here's som eone else who's achieved
even great er height s. And t hat 's one of t he beaut ies of life: it drives us t o const ant ly expand and grow.
169
com pla ce n t selbst zufrieden, - gefällig
The power of having new references t o raise our st andards for ourselves is im m ense, whet her it 's
st udying t he t eachings of a great spirit ual leader who, in spit e of abuse by ot hers, cont inues t o give
love, or seeing t hose who've succeeded financially and not icing what 's t ruly possible. I 'll never forget
t he first t im e I m et archit ect and hot el m agnat e Chris Hem m et er. Becky and I had t he privilege of
being am ong t he first people t o be invit ed t o visit Chris's new hom e, along wit h his fam ily, in Hawaii—a
$70 m illion residence t hat is beyond verbal descript ion. The front door alone cost $1 m illion t o creat e.
While your rules m ay say, " That 's an incredible wast e of m oney," it was also an unbelievably
expanding ex perience of what is possible in t erm s of business or econom ic growt h.
Suddenly, m y $4 m illion Cast le was put in perspect ive. I t barely covered t he cost of his front door and
m arble st airway! Cert ainly t here was room in m y life for t hinking bigger, pushing lim it s, im agining t he
unim aginable. The best part of m eet ing Chris and his wife. Pat sy, was discovering t hat t hey are
incredibly warm people, t hat t hey use t heir wealt h t o creat e an environm ent t hat t ruly inspires t hem .
Using cont rast ing references is one of t he m ost powerful ways, t hen, t o change our percept ions and
our feelings. I f I ever st art t o lose perspect ive because I feel like I 'm working t oo hard, I t hink about a
m an who at t ended one of m y sem inars years ago. He was a warm and gent le soul who unfort unat ely
ended up in t he wrong place at t he wrong t im e. One day shy of his fort y- fift h birt hday he pulled int o a
gas st at ion where t here w ere t wo m en who had j ust t hat day been released from prison.
From t heir brief episode of freedom , t hese m en had decided t hey weren't com fort able wit h life on t he
out side, and t hey hit upon a plan t o get back int o prison: t hey'd k ill t he very next person w ho drove
int o t his gas st at ion. I t didn't m at t er who it was, what t heir age was, m ale or fem ale; t hey'd j ust kill
t he next hum an being. When t his m an drove up and got out of his car t o fill his t ank, t hey at t acked
and brut ally beat him t o deat h.
Now, do you t hink you have problem s? He left behind a wife and four sm all children. I was devast at ed
by t he st ory; I couldn't believe it . How do you com e out wit h a posit ive m eaning from an experience
t hat seem s t o have none? I couldn't even im agine t his happening t o a m em ber of m y fam ily and what
it would do t o m e. I kept asking m yself what I could do t o help. I im m ediat ely called his widow and
offered t o help her in any way I could. My prim ary goal was t o m ake sure t hat she was t rying t o find
som e form of em powering m eaning for herself and her children from t his experience. I t would have
been t oo easy t o use t his as a reference t o back up a belief t hat life is not wort h living, t hat hum ankind
is evil and dest ruct ive, t hat you can do everyt hing right and st ill be m owed down like a blade of grass,
so why even t ry?
I com m unicat ed t o t his wom an t he im port ance for her children's sake of som ehow finding in t his
experience a shred of m eaning t o em power t hem at som e level. When I asked her what t his
experience could m ean, she expressed how deep her pain was, but m ore im port ant , t he one t hing
about t his experience t hat was posit ive was t hat when t he st ory was m ade known in t he newspapers,
an unbelievable am ount of love, support , and caring poured fort h. She received lit erally hundreds of
let t ers and offers of support from people in t he com m unit y, people from all walks of life. She said, " I
realized t hat if I believed t hat people were dest ruct ive or t hat t his m eant t hat life was unfair, I 'd
dest roy m yself and m y children.
So while it 's unbelievably painful right now, I know t hat t his m ust have happened for a reason. I don't
have a way t o back it up; it is j ust m y fait h." This wom an found t he courage t o use fait h as t he
ult im at e reference. Her willingness t o t rust t hat t here m ust be a r eason, even if she's not aware of it ,
freed her from t he m ost painful experience of her life and em pow ered her.
What a powerful wom an! How lucky t hese children are! She t old t hem , " Kids, I want you t o not ice all
t hese people and how m uch love t hey are giving. People are really good. Ther e are a few in t he world
who are bad, and t hey need t o be helped, but your daddy always believed in God, and now he has
gone t o a bet t er place. He had t hings t o do while he was here, and his t im e was up, but our t im e is not
up, and we have t o t ake advant age of it while we are here. We have t o use your fat her's deat h t o
rem ind us t hat every day we have t o live life t o it s fullest . And we can't t hink about losing him ,
because he will always be wit h us."
" I t is only wit h t he heart t hat one can see right ly; what is essent ial is invisible t o t he eye."
ANT0I NE DE SAI NT- EXUPERY
Could it be possible t hat what seem like t he worst days in our lives are act ually t he m ost powerful in
t erm s of t he lessons we can choose t o learn from t hem ? Think about one of t he worst experiences t hat
has ever happened t o you. As you look back upon it now, can you t hink of any ways in which it had
som e kind of posit ive im pact on your life? Maybe you were fired, or m ugged, or involved in a car
accident , but out of t hat experience you gained a new resolve, or a new awareness t hat caused you t o
grow as a person and m easurably increased your abilit y t o cont ribut e.
I realize t hat som e sit uat ions m ay be m ore challenging t han ot hers t o find som et hing good about , but
by t his point in t he book, you're no longer a novice. You've been st ret ching your im aginat ion and
flexing your m uscles of em powerm ent . You've learned how t o m anage your st at e and direct your focus
by asking bet t er quest ions. I f you were abused as a child, m aybe it m ade you a m ore sensit ive person
t oward children and caused you t o m ake t he decision t o break t hat generat ional chain of abuse; if you
grew up in a very rest rict ive environm ent , perhaps it drove you t o fight for t he freedom of ot hers; if
you felt t hat you never were loved enough, you m ay now be a m aj or giver. Or m aybe j ust t hat
" horrible" event caused y ou t o m ake new decisions, t o change t he direct ion of your life, and t herefore
your dest iny. Perhaps your worst days have really been your best .
You m ay prot est , " No, Tony, t here are som e t hings in m y past t hat have no purpose. I 'll never get
over t hem ; I 'll always have pain." You're absolut ely right : as long as you hold on t o t he belief t hat you
have been t aken advant age of, or t hat you've lost som et hing t hat can never be ret urned, you will
indeed always have t hat pain. Just rem em ber, loss is im aginary. Not hing ever disappears in t he
universe; it only changes form . I f t here is som et hing t hat st ill wounds you, it 's because of t he m eaning
t hat you have linked t o it . Maybe what you need t o do is t o have fait h and say, " Even t hough I don't
know why t his has happened, I am willing t o t rust . Som eday, when t he t im e is right , I will
underst and."
Lim it ed references creat e a lim it ed life. I f you want t o expand your life, you m ust expand y our
references by pursuing ideas and experiences t hat wouldn't be a part of your life if you didn't
consciously seek t hem out . Rem em ber, rarely does a good idea int errupt you; you m ust act ively seek
it . Em powering ideas and experiences m ust be pursued.
A UN I VERSE OF I D EAS AN D EXPERI EN CES
I n expanding our references, we creat e a great cont rast wit h which t o evaluat e life and possibilit y. I f
you've been m agnifying your problem s out of proport ion, consider t his: we live in a galaxy t hat
cont ains several hundred t housand m illion st ars. Then realize t hat we live in a universe t hat has
several hundred t housand m illion galaxies. I n ot her words, t here are several hundred t housand m illion
suns in our galaxy alone. And all of t hese suns have planet s revolving around t hem as well!
Think of t he m agnit ude. The st ars in our galaxy m ake one t urn around t he Milky Way's axis only once
every several hundred m illion years. When you t hink about t he im m ensit y of t his universe, and t hen
look at t he life span of an average hum an being ( generously about eight y years) , does it give you a
different perspect ive? The hum an life span is but a speck 170 in t im e. And yet people worry t hem selves
t o deat h about t hings like how t hey're going t o pay t he m ort gage, what kind of car t hey drive,
or how t heir next business m eet ing will go.
" I believe a leaf of grass is no less t han t he j ourney- work of t he st ars."
WALT WHI TMAN
I 'm always t rying t o expand and im prove m y references because I believe in t he old com put er t erm
GI GO: Garbage I n, Garbage Out . Each day t hat we live, we're t aking in new inform at ion, ideas,
concept s, ex periences, and sensat ions. We need t o consciously st and guard at t he doors of our m inds
t o m ake sure t hat what ever we're allowing t o ent er will cause our lives t o be enriched, t hat t he
experiences we pursue will add t o our st ockpile of possibilit y. I n assist ing our children t o expand and
grow, we need t o guide t hem int o experiences t hat will provide posit ive references for t heir fut ure—
references t hat will help t hem know t hey're capable of dealing wit h virt ually anyt hing.
Sim ult aneously, we need t o t each t hem what t o wat ch out for in life. Cert ain references denigrat e our
experience of life. Are you a lit t le bit concerned when you hear m usic like t hat of t he Get o Boys? One
of t heir recent songs is a rap song about cut t ing a girl's t hroat and t hen having sex wit h her corpse. Do
you t hink t his kind of reference repeat ed again and again, not j ust in children's m inds, but in
anybody's, would be a lit t le bit dest ruct ive? I 'm not saying t hat som eone's going t o hear t his and t hen
go out and do it ; I 'm j ust saying t hat it 's t rash. Does t hat m ean I 'm prom ot ing censorship? Absolut ely
not . I t hink one of t he beaut ies of our count ry is freedom , but I t hink t hat you and I , as leaders, have
t he right and responsibilit y t o know what references m ean and t he im pact t hey can have on t he qualit y
of our lives.
170
spe ck kleiner Fleck , ( St aub) Korn; Punk t ( on t he horizon am Horizont ) ; ! ! nicht Speck
EXPAN D YOUR REFEREN CES AN D EXPAN D YOUR LI FE
We can always use what ever life has t o offer in an em powering way, but we have t o do it proact ively.
The choices I have in m y life com e from a rich set of reference experiences t hat I have consciously
pursued on an ongoing basis. Each day I look for ways t o expand. I nt o m y t hirt y- one years I 've packed
lit erally hundreds of years of experience. How can I say t hat ? The num ber of challenging and enriching
experiences t hat I have in a m ont h relat es m ore closely t o what m ost people experience over a
period of years.
One of t he m aj or ways I began t o do t his, st art ing at t he age of sevent een, was t hrough t he rich
experiences t hat books pr ovide. Early in m y life, I developed t he belief t hat leaders ar e readers. Books
could t ake m e t o ot her lands where I could m eet unique people like Abraham Lincoln or Ralph Waldo
Em erson whom I could ut ilize as m y personal coaches. I also knew t hat wit hin t he pages of books I
could find t he answers t o virt ually any quest ion I had. This breadt h of references t hat hundreds of
books have given m e has provided count less choices for how I can assist people. I pursued t hese
references because I realized t hat if I didn't feed m y m ind wit h t he nourishm ent it craved, t hen I would
have t o set t le for t he int ellect ual j unk food t hat could be found in t he night ly " sound bit es" on
t elevision news or t hrough t he opinions of t he newspapers. I f t his is our m aj or source of inform at ion,
t hen we can expect t o get t he sam e result s as everyone else in societ y does.
The m ost powerful way t o have a great underst anding of life and people, t o give ourselves t he great est
level of choice, is t o expose ourselves t o as m any different t ypes of references as possible. I n m y
yout h, I was inspired t o seek spirit ual underst anding when I realized t hat I 'd at t ended only one church
and been exposed t o only one religious philosophy for t he m aj orit y of m y life. I n high school I received
a scholarship in j ournalism t o at t end a t wo- week program held at California Polyt echnic St at e
Universit y in San Luis Obispo. On t hat Sunday we were all given an assignm ent t o writ e a st ory about
a church service.
As we began t o walk t hrough t he com m unit y, deciding where we would go, I found m yself gravit at ing
t oward t he church of m y denom inat ion 171 . But along t he way, I heard several of m y friends t alking
about t he Morm on Church we had j ust passed and how " horrible" t hose people were. I t seem ed t o m e
t hat people j ust aren't t hat deplorable172 ; I had t o see what was going on. So I at t ended t he service,
and saw t hat t he Morm ons loved God as m uch as I did. The only difference was t hat t hey had a few
rules t hat varied slight ly from m y own.
This st art ed m y spirit ual odyssey, which developed int o a personal rit ual for alm ost a year and a half.
Throughout m y eight eent h and ninet eent h years, t wo or t hree t im es a m ont h, I would at t end a t ot ally
different t ype of worship: Lut heran, Cat holic, Bapt ist , Episcopalian, Met hodist , Jewish, Buddhist , and so
on. As a result of t his, I t ruly began t o live at a m ore spirit ual level where I began t o appr eciat e all
people's spirit ual beliefs. Even if I didn't subscribe t o t heir part icular rules or percept ions, I had a m uch
broader base of underst anding and com passion as a result .
171
172
de n om in a t ion RELI GI ON Konfession; VOLKSWI RTSCHAFT Nennw ert
de plor a ble bedauerlich, beklagenswer t
I f you want t o expand your life, go for it ! Pursue som e experiences t hat you've never had before. Go
scuba diving. Explore t he undersea world, and find out what life's like and what you're like in a whole
new environm ent . Go skydiving. When you're sit t ing on t he edge of a plane 12,500 feet in t he air, and
you know you're going t o fall for an ent ire m inut e at 120 m iles an hour, t o get yourself out of t hat
plane requires absolut e fait h. You don't know what fait h is unt il you have t his reference!
Go t ake t hat helicopt er lesson. I assure you, it will change your life forever. Take four days and go t o
racing school. You'll learn m ore about lim it s and possibilit y t han you could im agine. Go spend an
evening at t he sym phony, if it 's not som et hing you usually do—or a rock conceit , if t hat 's what you
habit ually avoid. Expand your level of choice. One day, spont aneously, go by a children's hospit al
during visit ing hours. Go m eet som e st rangers and t ell som e st ories. The challenge t o dev elop rapport
and find a way t o t ouch ot hers' lives will change you forever. Maybe it 's t im e t o im m erse yourself in
anot her cult ure and see t he world t hrough ot hers' eyes. Maybe it 's t im e t o visit Fij i and celebrat e in
a kava cerem ony wit h t he locals. Or t ake part in a " ride along" program at your local police
depar t m ent , where you sit in t he back seat of a pat r ol car and see your com m unit y t hrough an officer's
eyes.
Rem em ber, if we want t o underst and and appr eciat e people, one of t he m ost powerful ways is t o share
som e of t heir references. Perhaps it 's t im e t o go back t o school, t o explore t he " inner universe" in t he
form of biology or physiology, or underst and our cult ure bet t er t hrough a st udy of sociology or
ant hropology. Rem em ber, any lim it s t hat you have in your life are probably j ust t he result of lim it ed
references. Expand your references, and you'll im m ediat ely expand your life.
While t he possibilit ies I 've t ouched on are excit ing and inspiring, t hey are offered t o get your j uices
flowing. You don't have t o do all of t hem —or any of t hem —in order t o gain new references. You don't
have t o go on safari in Africa; you can j ust go around t he com er , and help a hom eless per son in your
own com m unit y discover resources of t heir own t hat t hey never knew exist ed. Whole worlds open up
wit h t he addit ion of j ust one new refer ence. I t could be one new t hing you see or hear, a conversat ion
or a m ovie or a sem inar, som et hing you read on t he very next page—you never know when it m ay
happen.
" The only way t o discover t he lim it s of t he possible is t o go beyond t hem int o t he im possible."
ARTHUR C. CLARKE
Now let 's t ake invent ory of som e of t he m ost powerful references t hat have shaped your life. Take a
m om ent now and writ e down five of t he m ost powerful experiences t hat have shaped who you've
becom e as a person. Give not only a descript ion of t he experience, but how t hat experience im pact ed
you. I f you writ e down anyt hing t hat seem s t o have im pact ed you negat ively, im m ediat ely com e up
wit h anot her int erpret at ion of t hat event , no m at t er what it t akes. This m ay require som e fait h; it m ay
require a new perspect ive you never would have considered before. Rem em ber, everyt hing in life
happens for a reason and a purpose, and it serves us. Som et im es it t akes years or decades for us t o
find value. But t here is value in all hum an experience.
As you review t his list of all t he event s t hat have posit ively shaped your life, I want you t o t hink about
som e new references t hat would be very valuable for you t o pursue. What are som e new experiences
you need? A good quest ion m ight be, " I n order t o really succeed at t he highest level, t o achieve what I
really want for m y life, what are som e references I need?" Maybe what you need t o do is m odel
som ebody w ho has really m ade t heir relat ionships work; find out what som e of t heir beliefs are, what
som e of t heir references are about what m akes a relat ionship work. Or m aybe you j ust need t o seek
out references t hat m ake you appreciat e life m ore or t hat m ake you feel like you are cont ribut ing.
Now t hink of som e fun references t o have. Maybe you don't " need" t hem , but t hink of som e t hat would
be ent ert aining or would j ust m ake you feel good. I began t o st udy m art ial art s because I knew what
an incredible set of st at es t he discipline would provide. I earned m y black belt in t oe kwon do in eight
m ont hs by st udying direct ly wit h t he great Grandm ast er Jhoon Rhee and m odeling his incredibly
int ense focus. I realized t hat if I could have t he experience of disciplining m yself so fiercely in t hat
area of m y life, t hen t hat reference would spill over t o m any ot her areas—and it did. So, what else
could you do?
Once you've brainst orm ed a list of great references t o acquire, put a t im e line and a dat e on each.
Decide when you are going t o do every one. When are you going t o learn t o speak Spanish or Greek
or Japanese? When are you going t o t ake t hat hot - air balloon ride? When ar e you going t o go t o t he
local old folks' hom e and sing carols? When are you going t o do som et hing unusual and new?
What are som e references you could provide for your fam ily t hat would be invaluable? Maybe it is
t aking your kids t o t he Sm it hsonian, m aybe it is som et hing as sim ple as sit t ing down and t alking
about t he references t hat t he fam ily has already shared, or get t ing t oget her wit h som e of t he
grandparent s and t alking about t heir lives and what t hey have learned. What invaluable references
t hese sixt y- , sevent y- , eight y- ,and ninet y- plus year- olds have for t hose of us who are younger!
One of t he m ost powerful references I have shared wit h m y fam ily is delivering Thanksgiving dinners
t o t hose who cannot or will not visit shelt ers. I 'll never forget m y youngest son's react ion when he was
four years old. I t was Jairek's first t im e part icipat ing, and we went t o a park in Oceanside, California.
We found an old m an who was sleeping on t he floor of a bat hroom wit h no doors, t rying t o cover
him self wit h old clot hes he had found in t rash cans. My son m arveled at his very long beard and was a
lit t le bit scared. I handed Jairek t he basket of food and ot her survival goodies, and said, "Go on and
give it t o t his m an, and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving." Jairek approached caut iously. As he went
int o t he bat hroom wit h a basket t hat was as big as he was, he set it down gent ly. The m an looked like
he was eit her drunk or asleep. Jairek t ouched t he m an and said, " Happy Thanksgiving! " All of a
sudden, t he m an bolt ed upright and gr abbed m y son's hand. My heart leaped int o m y t hroat , and j ust
as I st art ed t o spring forward, t he m an t ook Jairek's hand and kissed it . He whispered hoarsely 173 ,
" Thank you for caring." Boy, what a reference for a four- year- old!
Rem em ber, it 's t he m om ent s of our lives t hat shape us. I t 's up t o us t o pursue and creat e t he
m om ent s t hat will lift us and not lim it us. So now, get off t he bench and st ep int o t he gam e of life. Let
your im aginat ion run wild wit h t he possibilit ies of all t hose t hings you could explore and experience—
and begin im m ediat ely. What new experience could you pursue t oday t hat would expand your life?
173
h oa r se ( hoarser, hoarsest ) heiser , rau
What kind of person will you becom e? Take act ion and enj oy exploring t he possibilit ies. Let 's discover
t he profound change t hat com es from …
18
I DENTI TY: THE KEY TO EXPANSI ON
" Not hing great will ever be achieved wit hout great m en, and m en are great only if t hey are det erm ined
t o be so."
CHARLES DE GAULLE
There were no m arks on his body. The Chinese Com m unist s had held him capt ive in a t iny room for
m ore t han t went y hours, but t hey hadn't beat en or t ort ured him . They had even offered him a
cigaret t e or t wo . . . and as a result of t heir polit e conversat ion, t his GI now held a docum ent in his
own handwrit ing det ailing t he count less inj ust ices and dest ruct iveness of t he Am erican way of life—t he
capit alist societ y—and praising t he superiorit y and et hical hum anit y of t he Com m unist syst em . What 's
m ore, t he essay t his officer of t he U.S. Arm y had writ t en was now being broadcast t o his and ot her
POW cam ps in Nort h Korea, as well as t o t he Am erican forces st at ioned in Sout h Korea. He would lat er
divulge m ilit ary inform at ion, t urn in his fellow prisoners, and fervent ly 174 denounce his own count ry.
What caused t his m an t o com plet ely reverse his world- view and dism ant le175 t he beliefs t hat had been
inst illed 176 in him over a lifet im e? What caused him t o abandon t he core values he'd pr eviously held
and becom e a collaborat or wit h t he enem y? What single change would m ake such a radical shift in t he
t hought s, em ot ions, and act ions of an individual?
The answer lies in underst anding t hat he was direct ed down a pat h t hat caused him t o lit erally shift his
ident it y. He was now sim ply act ing in accordance wit h his new im age of him self.
Throughout t his book you've explored wit h m e t he im pact of beliefs, one of t he foundat ional elem ent s
in t he Mast er Syst em t hat direct s all of our evaluat ions. Beliefs guide us t o conclusions, and t herefore
t hey t each us how t o feel and what t o do. However, t here are different levels of beliefs t hat have
different levels of im pact on t he qualit y of our lives.
Som e are very specific. For exam ple, t he beliefs you have about a part icular friend will det erm ine how
you t hink and feel about his behavior, and t he m eaning t hat you'll link t o anyt hing t hat he does. I f you
" know" t hat he is loving, t hen even if he appears t o be angry at t he m om ent , you will not quest ion his
ult im at e int ent . This belief will guide all of your int eract ions wit h t his person. But t his will not
necessarily affect t he way you deal wit h a st ranger. These beliefs im pact you in only one specific
area of your life: your int eract ions wit h t his friend.
Som e beliefs, however, have an expanded influence on your life; I call t hese global beliefs. These ar e
t he beliefs which have m uch furt her- reaching consequences. For exam ple, t he beliefs you have about
174
fe r ve n t glühend, leidenschaft lich
dism a n t le TECHNI K dem ont ieren
176
in st ill Am . ( - ll- ) beibr ingen, einflößen ( int o Dat iv)
175
people in general will affect not j ust t he way you deal wit h your friend, but wit h everyone you m eet .
These beliefs will powerfully im pact your career, your level of t rust , your m arriage, and so fort h.
The global beliefs you have about t he concept s of scarcit y and abundance, for exam ple, will det erm ine
your st ress level and your generosit y of t im e, m oney, energy, and spirit . I f you believe we live in a
world wit h scarce 177 resources—where t here's only so m uch m oney, so m uch t im e, so m uch love—t hen
you'll const ant ly live in fear t hat you won't have enough. This st ress will affect t he way you t hink of
your neighbors, your co- workers, your financial capabilit ies, and opport unit ies in general.
More powerful t han any of t hese, t hough, is t he core belief t hat is t he ult im at e filt er t o all of our
percept ions. This belief direct ly cont rols t he consist ency of your life's decisions. These are t he beliefs
you have about your ident it y.
What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or im possible, is rarely a funct ion of our t rue
capabilit y. I t is m ore likely a funct ion of our beliefs about who we are. I n fact , if you've ever found
yourself unable t o even consider doing som et hing, where your response t o som eone is, " I could never
do t hat " or " I 'm j ust not t hat kind of person," t hen you've run up against t he barriers of a lim it ed
ident it y. This isn't always bad, of course. Not perceiving yourself as a m urder er is a very im port ant
dist inct ion! Not perceiving yourself as som eone who would t ake advant age of ot hers is probably very
useful. I t 's im port ant t o r ealize t hat we define ourselves not only by who we are, but by who we are
not .
What exact ly is ident it y? I t is sim ply t he beliefs t hat we use t o define our own individualit y, what
m akes us unique—good, bad, or indifferent —from ot her individuals. And our sense of cert aint y about
who we are creat es t he boundaries and lim it s wit hin which we live.
You r ca pa bilit y is con st a n t , bu t h ow m u ch of it you u se de pe n ds u pon t h e ide n t it y you h a ve
for you r se lf. For exam ple, if you feel cert ain t hat you are an out going, out rageous person, you'll t ap
t he resources of behavior t hat m at ch your ident it y. Whet her you see yourself as a " wim p" or a " wild
m an," a " winner" or a " wallflower," will inst ant ly shape which capabilit ies you access. You m ay have
read t he book Pygm alion in t he Classroom , which det ails t he dram at ic change in st udent s perform ance
when t hey becom e convinced t hat t hey are gift ed.
Tim e and again, researchers have shown t hat st udent s' capabilit ies are powerfully im pact ed by t he
ident it ies t hey develop for t hem selves as t he result of t eachers' belief in t heir level of int elligence. I n
one st udy, a group of t eachers were t old t hat cert ain st udent s in t heir classes were t ruly gift ed and t o
m ake sure t hat t hey challenged t hem t o cont inue t o expand. As can be expect ed, t hese children
becam e t he t op achievers in t heir class. What m akes t his st udy significant is t hat t hese st udent s had
not act ually dem onst rat ed higher levels of int elligence—and, in fact , som e had previously been labeled
poor st udent s. Yet it was t heir sense of cert aint y t hat t hey were superior ( which had been inst illed I
by a t eacher's " false belief) t hat t rigger ed t heir success.
The im pact of t his principle is not lim it ed t o st udent s. The kind oft person ot her people per ceive you t o
be cont rols t heir responses t o you. Oft en t his has not hing t o do wit h your t rue charact er. For exam ple,
if a person sees you as a crook 178 , even if you're an honest person and do good t hings, t his person will
177
178
sca r ce ( scar cer, scar cest ) knapp ( Ware) ; selt en
cr ook 1. Krüm m ung; Hir t enst ab; um gangssprachlich: Gauner ; 2. ( sich) krüm m en oder biegen
search for t he sinist er 179 m ot ive behind your act s. What 's worse is t hat , aft er m aking a posit ive change,
we oft en allow ot hers in our environm ent who have not changed t heir im age of us t o anchor our own
em ot ions and beliefs back int o our old behaviors and ident it ies. We all need t o rem em ber t hat we have
t rem endous power t o influence t he ident it ies of t hose we care about m ost .
This is t he power t hat Mar va Collins com m ands when she influences her st udent s t o believe t hat t hey
are t he m ast ers of t heir dest inies, t hat t hey are as t alent ed as any hum an being who has walked on
eart h.
" The best effect of fine persons is felt aft er we have left t heir presence."
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
We all will act consist ent ly wit h our views of who we t ruly are, whet her t hat view is accurat e or not .
The reason is t hat one of t he st rongest forces in t he hum an organism is t he need for consist ency.
Throughout our lives, we've been socialized t o link m assive pain t o inconsist ency and pleasure t o being
consist ent . Think about it . What labels do we at t ach t o people who say one t hing and t hen do anot her,
who claim t o be one way and t hen behave anot her? We call t hem hypocrit ical, fickle, unst able,
unreliable, wishy- washy, scat t erbr ained, flaky, unt rust wort hy. Would you like t o have t hese labels
at t ached t o you?
Would you even like t o t hink of yourself in t his way? The answer is obvious: a resounding no! As a
result , whenever we t ake a st and— especially a public st and—and st at e what we believe, who we are,
or what we're about , we experience int ense pr essure t o rem ain consist ent wit h t hat st and, regardless
of what t hat inflexibilit y m ay cost us in t he fut ure.
Conversely, t here are t rem endous rew ards for rem aining consist ent wit h our st at ed ident it ies. What do
we call people who are consist ent ? We use words like t rust wort hy, loyal, st eady, solid, int elligent ,
st able, rat ional, t rue- blue. How would you like t o have people consist ent ly use t hese labels t o describe
you? How would it feel t o t hink of yourself in t his way? Again, t he answer is obvious: m ost people
would love it . Thus, t he need t o rem ain consist ent becom es irrevocably t ied t o your abilit y t o avoid
pain and gain pleasure.
" A foolish consist ency is t he hobgoblin 180 of sm all m inds."
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
The Pygm alion effect also works in reverse. I f you feel cert ain t hat you are " learning- disabled," it
becom es a self- fulfilling prophecy. This is quit e different from believing t hat your current st rat egy for
learning is ineffect ive. The abilit y t o change one's st rat egy is perceived by m ost of us t o be a sim ple
and achievable t ask, as long as we have t he right t eacher.
179
180
sin ist e r finst er, unheim lich
h obgoblin Kobold m ännlich
However, changing ourselves—changing t he essence of who we are—is perceived by m ost t o be next
t o im possible. Th e com m on r e spon se , " I 'm j u st t h is w a y," is a ph r a se t h a t m u r de r s dr e a m s. I t
carries wit h it t he sent ence of an unchangeable and perm anent problem .
A person who believes t hey have developed a drug addict ion can clearly change. I t will be difficult , but
a change can be m ade, and it can last . Conversely, a person who believes him self t o be a drug addict
will usually ret urn t o t he use of drugs even aft er weeks or m ont hs of abst inence. Why? I t 's because he
believes t hat t his is who he 15. He doesn't have a drug addict ion; he is a drug addict . Rem em ber from
Chapt er 4 t hat once a per son has a convict ion about anyt hing, he will ignore and even defend against
any evidence t hat 's cont rary t o his belief. Unconsciously, t his person will not believe t hat he can
change long- t erm , and t his will cont rol his behavior.
I n addit ion, t here's oft en a secondary gain involved in t he process of m aint aining t his negat ive
behavior. Aft er all, t his m an can blam e his addict ion on som et hing he can't cont rol—it 's sim ply " who he
is" —inst ead of facing t he realit y t hat t aking drugs is a conscious decision. This will be augm ent ed by
t he need wit hin t he hum an nervous syst em for consist ency, and he will ret urn t o t his dest ruct ive
pat t ern again and again. Surrendering his ident it y would be even m ore painful t han t he clearly
dest ruct ive effect s of t he drugs t hem selves.
Why? Because we all have a need for a sense of cert aint y. Most people have t rem endous fear of t he
unknown. Uncert aint y im plies t he pot ent ial of having pain st rike us, and we'd rat her deal wit h t he
pain we already know about t han deal wit h t he pain of t he unknown. Thus, living in an ever- changing
world—one in which we are const ant ly surrounded by t he flux of new relat ionships, redefined j ob roles,
changing environm ent s, and a st eady st ream of new inform at ion—t he one t hing t hat we all count on t o
be const ant is our sense of ident it y. I f we begin t o quest ion who we are, t hen t here is no foundat ion
for all of t he underst andings upon which we've built our lives.
I f you don't know who you are, t hen how can you decide what t o do? How can you form ulat e values,
adopt beliefs, or est ablish rules? How can you j udge whet her som et hing is good, bad, or indifferent ?
The biggest challenge for som eone who perceives his ident it y as a drug addict is: what does he change
his ident it y t o? To a " recovering drug addict " ? This doesn't change his ident it y; it m erely describes t he
st at e he's in current ly.
" Drug- free" doesn't do it eit her, because m ost see it as a t em por ary st at e—and it st ill focuses on drugs
as one of t he ways of defining oneself. When t his person develops t he convict ion t hat he is absolut ely
clean, t hat he's now a " Christ ian," " Muslim ," " Jew," or " Buddhist ," or now t hat he's a " leader" —or
anyt hing else ot her t han a " drug addict " —t hat 's when his behavior changes. As we develop new beliefs
about who we are, our behavior will change t o support t he new ident it y.
The sam e t hing happens wit h a person who has excess weight whose ident it y is, " I 'm a fat person."
This individual m ay diet and lose weight in t he short t erm , but he will always gain it back because his
sense of cert aint y about who he is will guide all his behaviors unt il t hey are once again consist ent wit h
his ident it y. We all m ust m aint ain t he int egrit y of our convict ions of who we are, even when t hey are
dest ruct ive and disem powering.
The only way t o creat e last ing change for an individual who's been using drugs is t o change his
convict ion from " I am a drug addict " t o " I 'm a healt h nut " or " I 'm a living exam ple t hat no problem is
perm anent " or " Now I 'm
." What ever t he new ident it y, it m ust be one t hat would never even
consider t he use of drugs. I f drugs are offered again, his im m ediat e response is not t o evaluat e
whet her he should use t hem or not , but t o sim ply st at e wit h absolut e cert aint y, " I 'm not t hat kind of
person. That 's who I used t o be."
Those wit h excess weight m ust t ransform t heir ident it y from a fat person t o a vit al, healt hy, and
at hlet ic hum an being. This ident it y change will shift all t heir behaviors, from t heir diet t o t heir exercise,
and allow t hem t o creat e t he long- t erm physiological changes t hat are consist ent wit h t heir new
ident it y. This shift m ay sound like it 's m erely a sem ant ic m anipulat ion, but in t rut h it is a m uch deeper
and m ore profound t ransform at ion of personal realit y.
I n fact , one shift in ident it y can cause a shift of your ent ire Mast er Syst em . Think about it . Doesn't a
drug addict have a com plet ely different syst em of evaluat ion—t he st at es he consist ent ly experiences,
t he quest ions he asks, t he values t hat guide his act ions, and t he references he organizes int o beliefs—
t han does som eone who considers him self t o be a leader, a lover, an at hlet e, or a cont ribut or? While
it 's t rue t hat not all ident it y shift s are as com plet e as ot hers, som e are indeed so far reaching t hat one
Mast er Syst em is lit erally replaced in a m om ent by anot her.
I f you've repeat edly at t em pt ed t o m ake a part icular change in your life, only t o cont inually fall short ,
invariably t he challenge is t hat you were t rying t o creat e a behavioral or em ot ional shift t hat was
inconsist ent wit h your belief about who you are. Shift ing, changing, or expanding ident it y can produce
t he m ost profound and rapid im provem ent s in t he qualit y of your life.
H OW YOUR I D EN TI TY I S FORM ED
Why is it t hat during t he Korean War m ore Am erican POWs inform ed on t heir fellow prisoners t han in
any ot her war in m odem hist ory? The answer is t hat t he Chinese Com m unist s, unlike t heir allies, t he
Nort h Koreans, underst ood t he power of ident it y t o inst ant aneously change not only t heir long- held
beliefs and values, but t heir act ions, in an inst ant . Rat her t han br ut alize t he prisoners, t hey
doggedly 181 pursued t heir own ingenious form of psychological warfare 182 designed not m erely t o
ext ract inform at ion or creat e com pliance, but rat her t o convert t he Am erican fight ing m an t o t heir
polit ical philosophy. They knew t hat if t hey could lead him int o a new set of beliefs and values, t hen he
would see his count ry's role in t he war as fut ile183 and dest ruct ive, and t herefor e assist t hem in any
way t hey request ed. And t hey succeeded. Underst anding what t hey did can help you underst and how
you've arrived at your current ident it y and how you can expand your ident it y, and t herefor e your
ent ire life, in a m at t er of m om ent s.
The t ask before t he Chinese Com m unist s was form idable indeed. How can you change som eone's
ent ire ident it y wit hout t he t hreat of deat h or t he pr om ise of freedom ? Especially knowing t hat t he
Am erican soldier has been t rained t o give only his nam e, rank, and serial num ber?
181
dogge d verbissen, har t näck ig
w a r fa r e Kr ieg( führ ung w eiblich) m ännlich
183
fu t ile nut z- , zwecklos
182
Their plan was very sim ple: st art sm all, and build. The Chinese underst ood t hat t he way we ident ify
anyone is by t heir act ions. For exam ple, how do you know who your friend really is? I sn't it by t he way
he or she act s, t he way he or she t reat s people?
The Com m unist s' real secret , t hough, was t hat t hey underst ood t hat we det er m ine who we are—our
own ident it ies—by j udging our own act ions as well. I n ot her words, we look at what we do t o
det erm ine who we are. The Chinese realized t hat in order t o achieve t heir broader obj ect ive of
changing t he prisoner's beliefs about his ident it y, all t hey had t o do was get t he prisoner t o do t hings
t hat a collaborat or or a Com m unist would do.
Again, t his is not a sim ple t ask, but t hey realized it could be done if t hey sim ply could wear t he
Am erican POW down t hrough conversat ion t hat last ed t welve t o t went y hours, and t hen m ake a m inor
request : get him t o say som et hing like " The Unit ed Stat es is not perfect " or " I t 's t rue in a Com m unist
count ry t hat unem ploym ent is not a problem ." Having est ablished t his foot ing, t he Chinese would
sim ply st art sm all and build.
They underst ood our need for consist ency. Once we m ake a st at em ent t hat we say we believe, we
have t o be willing t o back it up. They would m erely ask t he POW t o writ e down som e of t he ways in
which Am erica is not perfect . I n his exhaust ed st at e, t he GI was t hen asked, " What ot her social
benefit s are t here t o com m unism ?" Wit hin a short period of t im e, t he GI would have sit t ing in front of
him a docum ent not only at t acking his own nat ion, but also prom ot ing Com m unism wit h all t he
reasons writ t en in his own handwrit ing. He now had t o j ust ify t o him self why he'd done t his. He'd not
been beat en, nor had he been offered special rewards. He'd sim ply m ade sm all st at em ent s in his need
t o st ay consist ent wit h t he ones he'd already writ t en, and now he'd even signed t he docum ent . How
could he explain his " willingness" t o do t his? Lat er he would be asked t o read his list in a discussion
group wit h ot her prisoners or even t o writ e an ent ire essay about it .
When t he Chinese broadcast t hese essays, along wit h t he nam es of t he prisoners who had writ t en
t hem , suddenly t he prisoner would find him self publicly ident ified as an enem y " collaborat or." When
fellow prisoners asked him why he did it , he couldn't defend him self by saying he'd been t ort ured. He
had t o j ust ify his act s t o him self in order t o m aint ain his own sense of int egrit y. I n an inst ant , he would
st at e t hat he wrot e it because it was t rue! I n t hat m om ent , his ident it y shift ed. He now perceived
him self as pro- Com m unist , and all t hose around him also labeled him as such. They would reinforce his
new ident it y by t reat ing him t he sam e way t hey t reat ed t he Com m unist guards.
Soon his new ident it y would cause him t o openly denounce his count ry and, in order t o m aint ain
consist ency bet ween his st at em ent s and his new label, he would oft en collaborat e even m ore
ext ensively wit h his capt ors. This was one of t he m ost brilliant facet s of t he Chinese st rat egy: once a
prisoner had writ t en som et hing down, he couldn't lat er pret end t o him self t hat it had never happened.
There it was in black and whit e, in his own handwrit ing, for anyone t o see—som et hing which drove him
" t o m ake his beliefs and his self- im age consist ent wit h what he had undeniably done."
Before we j udge our POWs harshly, however, we should t ake a good look at ourselves. Did you
consciously choose your ident it y, or is it t he result of what ot her people have t old you, significant
event s in your life, and ot her fact ors t hat occurred wit hout your awareness or approval?
What consist ent behaviors have you adopt ed t hat now help t o form t he basis of your ident it y? Would
you be willing t o undergo a painful bone- m arrow ext ract ion t o help a st ranger ? Most people's first
response would be, " Absolut ely not ! " Yet in a st udy done in 1970, researchers found t hat if a person
was led t o believe t hat t he consist ency of t heir ident it y relied upon it , m any would com m it t o j ust such
a selfless act .
The st udy showed t hat when t he subj ect s were asked t o m ake sm all com m it m ent s first , and followed
up wit h t wo sim ple act s which m ade not volunt eering seem " out of charact er," m any began t o develop
a new ident it y. They began t o see t hem selves as " donors," as a person who uncondit ionally com m it s t o
help t hose in need t hrough personal sacrifice. Once t his occurred, when t he request for t he bone
m arrow was m ade, t hese people felt com pelled by t he force of t heir new ident it y t o follow t hrough
regardless of t he t im e, m oney, or physical pain involved.
Their view of t hem selves as donors becam e a reflect ion of who t hey were. There is no m ore pot ent
leverage in shaping hum an behavior t han ident it y.
You m ight ask, " I sn't m y ident it y lim it ed by m y experience?" No, it 's lim it ed by your int erpret at ion of
your experience. Your ident it y is not hing but t he decisions you've m ade about who you are, what
you've decided t o fuse yourself wit h. You becom e t he labels you've given yourself. The way you define
your ident it y defines your life.
TH E ULTI M ATE PAI N —SEED S OF AN I D EN TI TY CRI SI S
People who act inconsist ent ly wit h who t hey believe t hey are set t he st age for t he societ al cliche of an
" ident it y crisis." When t he crisis hit s, t hey are im m ediat ely disorient ed, quest ioning t heir previous
convict ions. Their whole world is t urned upside down, and t hey experience an int ense fear of pain. This
is what happens t o so m any people having a " m idlife crisis."
Oft en t hese people ident ify t hem selves as being young, and som e environm ent al st im ulant —t urning a
cert ain age, com m ent s from friends, graying hair—causes t hem t o dread 184 t heir approaching years
and t he new, less desirable ident it y t hat t hey expect t o experience wit h it . Thus, in a desperat e effort
t o m aint ain t heir ident it y, t hey do t hings t o prove t hey're st ill young: buy fast cars, change t heir
hairst yles, divorce t heir spouses, change j obs.
I f t hese people had a solid grasp of t heir t rue ident it ies, would t hey experience t his crisis at all? I
suspect not . Having an ident it y t hat is specifically linked t o your age or how you look would definit ely
set you up for pain because t hese t hings will change. I f we have a broader sense of who we are, our
ident it y never becom es t hreat ened.
Even businesses can have ident it y crises. Years ago, phot ocopying giant Xerox Corporat ion underwent
an int erest ing shift in it s im age. When personal com put ing em erged as " t he wave of t he fut ure," Xerox
want ed t o use t heir t echnological power t o ent er t his excit ing new m arket . They put t heir research and
developm ent st aff on it and, aft er spending approxim at ely $2 billion, t hey cam e up wit h a num ber of
innovat ive advances, including t he precursor t o what we now call a " m ouse."
184
dr e a d 1. ( gr oße) Angst , Furcht ; 2. ( sich) fürcht en
Why, t hen, isn't Xerox in t he com pet it ive com put er race, running neck and neck wit h Apple and I BM?
One reason surely is t hat in t he beginning, it s ident it y didn't really allow for t he com pany t o head in
t his direct ion. Even it s " graphic" ident it y, which used a roly- poly m onk, confined it s capacit y t o be
ident ified as t he epit om e of cut t ing- edge com put ing t echnology. While t he m onk sym bolized t he
exact ing nat ure of m anuscript copying, he was hardly appropriat e for t his new vent ure int o high
t echnology, where speed was one of t he m ost highly valued crit eria. On t he consum er side, t he
ident it y Xerox had est ablished as t he world's leading copier com pany did not inst ill a high confidence in
t he com pany's effort s t o m arket com put ers. Com pound t his wit h a graphic ident it y t hat had lit t le t o do
wit h how t o process inform at ion rapidly, and you begin t o see where som e of Xerox's problem s
originat ed.
Market ing and graphic- design expert s alike will t ell you t hat corporat e im age is a huge filt er t hrough
which consum ers process buying inform at ion—t hey m ust know who you are, what you st and for, and
when t hey're invest ing large sum s of m oney, t hey usually want t o buy from a com pany t hat
exem plifies185 t heir product . As Xerox grappled wit h incorporat ing t his facet of com put erizat ion int o it s
exist ing ident it y, ot her com panies zoom ed t o t he forefront , overt aking t he m arket place. At t his point ,
Xerox decided t hat , rat her t han t ry t o change it s ident it y, it would ut ilize it . I t would com put erize it s
phot ocopiers and concent r at e it s R & D dollars on im proving what it already knew how t o do best .
Today, Xerox is beginning t he process of t ransform at ion by producing new " Xerox im ages" —airing
com m ercials feat uring fast - paced im agery of plot t ers, hardware, soft ware, com m unicat ion net works—
and com plet ing t he visual m essage wit h t he words, " Xerox ... t he Docum ent Com pany." This expanded
ident it y m ust be condit ioned wit hin t he cult ure for Xerox t o expand it s m arket , and it is using every
opport unit y t o do so.
" When writ t en in Chinese, t he word 'crisis' is com posed of t wo charact ers—one repr esent s danger, and
t he ot her represent s opport unit y."
JOHN F. KENNEDY
I t doesn't t ak e a crisis for m ost of us t o underst and t hat we can change our behavior, but t he prospect
of changing our ident it y seem s t hreat ening or im possible t o m ost . Breaking away from our core beliefs
about who we are gives us t he m ost int ense pain, and som e people would even go so far as t o kill
t hem selves t o preserve t hose beliefs. This was dram at ically illust rat ed in Vict or Hugo's m ast erpiece Les
Miserables. When t he hero Jean Valj ean is released from his prison work crew, he is frust rat ed and
alone. Alt hough in t he m any years he's spent in t he cust ody of t he French police he has never
accept ed his label of " crim inal" ( he'd m erely st olen a loaf of bread t o feed his st arving fam ily and was
sent enced t o m any years of hard labor) , once released, he discovers t hat he can't get an honest day's
work. He is scorned and r ebuffed because of his st at us as an ex- convict .
Finally, in a st at e of helplessness, he begins t o accept t he ident it y t hat his societ al label has im posed.
He now is a crim inal and begins t o act as such. I n fact , when a kind priest t akes him in, feeds him , and
185
e x e m plify veranschaulichen
gives him shelt er for t he night , he fulfills his crim inal ident it y by st ealing his benefact or 's hum ble 186
silver set t ing. When t he police st op Valj ean on a rout ine check, t hey discover not only t hat he is an exconvict , but also t hat he is carrying t he priest 's m ost valuable possessions—a crim e punishable by a
life of hard labor.
Valj ean is brought back t o face t he priest , and upon present at ion of t he fact s, t he priest insist s t hat
t he silver was a gift and rem inds Valj ean t hat he's forgot t en t he t wo rem aining silver candlest icks. To
Valj ean's furt her surprise, t he priest subsequent ly m akes his generous falsehood 187 a t rut h and sends
him away wit h t he silver t o st art a new life.
Valj ean has t o deal wit h t he priest 's act ions. Why would he believe in him ? Why didn't he send him
away in chains? The priest t old him t hat he was his brot her, t hat Valj ean no longer belonged t o evil,
t hat he was an honest m an and a child of God. This m assive pat t ern int errupt changes Valj ean's
ident it y. He t ears up his prison papers, m oves t o anot her cit y, and assum es a new ident it y. As he does,
all of his behaviors change. He becom es a leader and helps t hose in his com m unit y.
However, a policem en, Monsieur Javert , m akes it his life's crusade188 t o find Valj ean and bring him t o
j ust ice. He " knows" Valj ean is evil and defines him self as one who brings evil t o j ust ice. When Javert
finally cat ches up wit h him , Valj ean has t he opport unit y t o elim inat e his nem esis—but he
m agnanim ously 189 spares his life. Aft er a lifet im e of pursuit , Javert discovers t hat Valj ean is a good
m an—perhaps a bet t er m an t han he—and he cannot deal wit h t he pot ent ial of realizing t hat m aybe he
was t he one who was cruel and evil. As a result , he t hrows him self int o t he rapids of t he river Seine.
" His suprem e agony 190 was t he disappear ance of cert aint y, and he felt him self uproot ed 191 .. . Oh! what
a fright ful t hing! The m an proj ect ile, no longer knowing his road, and recoiling 192 ! "
VI CTOR HUGO, LES MI SERABLES
W H O ARE YOU, AN YW AY?
What does all of t his really m ean? This can all seem very esot eric unless we st art t o act ually define
ourselves. So t ake a m om ent t o ident ify who you are. Who are you? There ar e so m any ways in which
we define ourselves. We m ay describe ourselves as our em ot ions ( I 'm a lover, I 'm peaceful, I 'm
int ense) , our professions ( I 'm an at t or ney, I 'm a doct or, I 'm a priest ) , our t ides ( I 'm Execut ive VicePresident ) , our incom es ( I 'm a m illionaire) , our roles ( I 'm a m ot her, I 'm t he eldest of five girls) , our
behaviors ( I 'm a gam bler) , our possessions ( I 'm a "Beem er" owner) , our m et aphors ( I 'm king of t he
hill, I 'm low m an on t he t ot em pole) , our feedback ( I 'm wort hless, I 'm special) , our spirit ual beliefs
186
h u m ble 1. ( hum bler , hum blest ) dem üt ig; bescheiden; 2. dem üt igen
fa lse h ood Falschheit weiblich; Unwahrheit weiblich
188
cr u sa de Kreuzzug
189
m a gn a n im ou s großm üt ig, hochherzig
190
a gon y Qual; Todeskam pf
191
upr oot ausr eißen, ent wurzeln; über t ragen j em anden herausreißen ( from aus)
192
r e coil 1. zur ückschrecken ( from vor Dat iv ) ; 2. Rückst oß
187
( I 'm Jewish) , our looks ( I 'm beaut iful, I 'm ugly, I 'm old) , our accom plishm ent s ( I 'm t he 1960 Spring
Valley High Hom ecom ing Queen) , our past ( I 'm a failure) , and even what we're not ( I 'm not a quit t er) .
The ident it y t hat our friends and peers have t ends t o affect us as well. Take a good look at your friends.
Who you believe t hey are is oft en a reflect ion of who you believe you are. I f your friends are very
loving and sensit ive, t here's a great chance t hat you see yourself in a sim ilar vein 193 . The t im e fram e
you use t o define your ident it y is very powerful as well. Do you look t o your past , your present , or t he
fut ure t o define who you t ruly are? Years ago m y present and past weren't t er ribly excit ing, so I
consciously fused 194 m y ident it y wit h t he vision I had of who I knew I would becom e. I didn't have t o
wait ; I began t o live as t his m an now.
I t 's very im port ant , when you are answering t his quest ion, t o be in t he right st at e. You need t o feel
relaxed, safe, and curious. I f you're j ust powering t hrough t his book, scanning and reading r apidly, or
if you have m any dist ract ions, you're not going t o get t he answ ers you need. Take a nice, deep breat h
in; relax t he breat h out . Let your m ind be curious—not fearful, not concerned, not looking for
perfect ion or for anyt hing in part icular. Just ask yourself, " Who am I ?" Writ e down t he answer, and
t hen ask it again. Each t im e you ask it , writ e down what ever surfaces, and keep probing deeper and
deeper. Cont inue t o ask unt il you find t he descript ion of yourself t hat you have t he st rongest
convict ion about . How do you define yourself? What is t he essence of who you are? What m et aphors
do you use t o describe yourself? What roles do you play?
Oft en, if you don't creat e t his safe and curious st at e, all of t he fears and hesit at ions about ident it y will
keep giving you inadequat e answers. I n fact , oft en if you j ust ask t his quest ion up front of som ebody,
blurt ing out , " Who are you?" wit hout put t ing t hem in t he right st at e, you'll get one of t wo responses:
1) A blank st are. This t ype of quest ion t hrows m any people int o a t ailspin because t hey have never
been called upon t o seriously ponder what t heir answer is.
2) A surface- level answer. This is a first - at t em pt evasion t echnique. This response can be defined as
t he " Popey e Principle," where a per son will sim ply insist , " I am what I am , and t hat 's all t hat I am ."
Oft en, what I find is t hat when you ask som eone a quest ion, especially an em ot ional one, t hey won't
answer you unt il t hey've answered t wo quest ions of t heir own.
First t hey ask t hem selves, " Can I answer t his quest ion?" I f a person's not sure who he is, oft en he'll
say, " I don't know" or give you t he first surface answer. Som et im es people are afraid t o ask t he
quest ion for fear of realizing t hat t hey lack clarit y in t his crit ical area of t heir lives. And t he second
quest ion t hey ask t hem selves before answering is: " What 's in it for m e? I f I answer t his quest ion, how
will t his benefit m e personally?"
Let m e offer you t he answer t o t hese t wo quest ions. First , you do know who you are. Yes, you can
com e up wit h t he answer if you t ake a m om ent t o brainst orm a bit right now. But you've got t o t rust
yourself t o let what ever answers com e out of you j ust flow, and writ e t hem down. Second, t he benefit
t o knowing who you are is t he abilit y t o inst ant aneously shape all of your behaviors. I f you t ake t he
t im e t o get in t he right st at e, you'll com e up wit h . . .
A t hought ful answer. I hope t his is t he kind of answer you're searching for right now!
193
194
ve in Vene, Ader ( auch BOTANI K, GEOLOGI E, übert ragen) ; übert ragen ( Charakt er) Zug; über t ragen St im m ung
fu se 1. Zünder; ELEKTROTECHNI K Sicher ung; Zündschnur; 2. schm elzen; ELEKTROTECHNI K durchbrennen
" I t hink, t herefore I am ."
RENE DESCARTES
So t ake a m om ent right now t o answer a quest ion pondered 195 by philosophers t hrough t he ages, from
Socrat es t o Sart re. Put yourself in t hat safe, curious st at e. Take a deep breat h and release it . Ask,
" Who am I ?"
I AM..
To assist you in defining yourself, rem em ber t hat ident it y is sim ply what dist inguishes you from
everyone else. Here are a couple of exercises I t hink you will enj oy.
1) I f you were t o look in t he dict ionary under your nam e, what would it say? Would t hree words j ust
about cover it , or would your epic narrat ive consum e page aft er page, or dem and a volum e of it s own?
Right now, writ e down t he definit ion you would find if you were t o look up your nam e in a dict ionary.
MY DI CTI ONARY DEFI NI TI ON
Take a m om ent , and let your answers sink in. When you're ready, m ove t o t he next exercise.
2) I f you were t o creat e an I D card t hat would represent who you t ruly are, what would be on it —and
what would you leave off? Would it include a pict ure or not ? Would you list your vit al st at ist ics? Your
physical descript ion? Your accom plishm ent s? Your em ot ions? Your beliefs? Your affiliat ions? Your
aspirat ions? Your m ot t o? Your abilit ies? Take a m om ent t o describe what would be on t his ident it y card
and what would be left off in order t o show som eone who you really are.
MY I D CARD
Now, t ake a look at what you've writ t en down, at t he descript ions you have of your ident it y—in
essence, t he st ory of your life. How do you feel about it ? I hope you're t aking a m om ent right now t o
really appreciat e who you are, t o feel t he deep em ot ion t hat com es wit h recognit ion.
I f you're not icing t hat your ident it y creat es pain, know t hat what ever you call your ident it y is sim ply
what you've decided t o ident ify wit h, and t hat in a m om ent you could change it all. You have t he
195
pon de r nachdenken ( on, ov er über Akk usat iv ) ; überlegen, nachdenken über ( Akk usat iv)
power wit hin you right now. I n fact , aft er looking at how ident it ies evolve, you'll have an opport unit y
t o expand your ident it y, and t herefore your ent ire life.
EV OLUTI ON OF AN I D EN TI TY
One of m y friends, a wom an nam ed Debra whom everyone knows as advent urous and vibrant ,
recent ly shared wit h m e a st ory about t he t ransform at ion she had under gone wit h her ident it y. " When
I was growing up," she said, " I was always a wim p. I wouldn't do anyt hing physical, or anyt hing t hat
had any pot ent ial of m y get t ing hurt ." Aft er at t ending som e of m y sem inars and having new
experiences ( scuba diving, firewalking, and skydiving) , she began t o see t hat she could do t hese
t hings—if she forced herself. But t hese references were not yet organized int o a new belief about who
she is. She now m erely saw herself as " a wim p who'd skydived." The t ransfor m at ion had not yet t aken
place, but unbeknownst t o her, it had been set in m ot ion. She report s t hat ot her people were envious
of her accom plishm ent s, saying t hings like, " I wish I had t he gut s t o do what you did. You're so
advent urous! " She was genuinely t aken by surprise by t heir com m ent s, but t he cont inuous view t hat
ot hers had of her began t o cause her t o quest ion her view of herself.
" Finally," Debra said, " I began t o link pain t o t he idea of being a wim p. I knew m y belief about being
wim py was lim it ing m e, so I decided t hat was not who I want ed t o be anym ore." Not only t hat , but all
t his t im e her psyche had been wrest ling wit h t he incongruit y bet ween how her friends viewed her and
how she perceived her own ident it y. So when she had anot her chance t o go sk ydiving, she seized upon
it as an opport unit y t o m ake t he leap from pot ent ialit y t o act ualit y, from " what could be" t o " what is."
I t was t im e t o boost her " advent urous" ident it y from opinion t o convict ion.
As t he plane clim bed t o an alt it ude of 12,500 feet , Debra wat ched t he less experienced m em bers of
her skydiving t eam st ruggle t o cont ain t heir fear and look like t hey were having fun. She t hought t o
herself, " That 's who I used t o be, but I 'm not t hat person anym ore. Today, I 'm going t o have fun! " She
used t heir apprehension 196 as cont rast wit h t he new person she had decided t o becom e. She t hought
t o herself, " That 's how I used t o respond" —and was st art led t o realize t hat she had j ust m ade a m aj or
shift . She was no longer a wim p, but an advent urous, powerful wom an about t o have t he t im e of her
life.
She was t he first j um per t o leave t he plane, and all t he way down she whooped wit h delight , j oy, and
exhilarat ion. She had never before felt such int ense levels of pure physical energy and excit em ent .
One key elem ent t hat m ay have pushed her over t he edge in inst ant ly adopt ing her new ident it y was
her deep level of com m it m ent t o set t ing an exam ple for t he ot her j um pers in her role as t eam leader.
She t old m e, " I t 's like what you do. Tony. I f you did a whole sem inar about br eaking t hrough fear and
lim it at ion, but refused t o do t he Firewalk, it j ust wouldn't work. You have t o walk your t alk."
Debra's t ransform at ion was com plet e. She gained new references t hat st art ed t o chip away at her old
ident it y, m ade a decision t o ident ify wit h great er possibilit ies, and when t he right m om ent cam e,
cont rast ed her new ident it y wit h what she no longer want ed t o be. This was t he final leverage she
196
a ppr e h e n sion Ergr eifung, Fest nahm e; Besorgnis
needed t o bring about t he t ransform at ion. Her evolut ion was sim ple yet powerful. This com plet e
ident it y change now im pact s her kids, her business, and everyt hing else she's involved in. Today, she's
t ruly an advent urous leader.
Of course, you can always decide t o redefine yourself. Think of t he wondrous im aginat ion t hat
suffuses197 t he heart and soul of every child. One day he's Zorro, t he m asked avenger. The next he's
Hercules, t he Olym pian hero. And t oday, he's Grandpa, his own real- life hero. I dent it y shift s can be
am ong t he m ost j oyous, m agical and liberat ing experiences of life. Why do adult s look forward all year
t o Halloween or New Orleans's Mardi Gras? One reason, I 'm sure, is t hat t hese celebrat ions give us
perm ission t o st ep out side ourselves and assum e an alt er ego. We m ay do t hings in t hese new
ident it ies t hat we wouldn't norm ally do; we m ay do t hings we want t o do all t he t im e but see as
inconsist ent w it h our ident it ies.
The realit y is t hat we could do t his any day of t he year! We could com plet ely redefine ourselves, or we
could sim ply decide t o let our " real selves" shine t hrough. Like m ild- m annered Clark Kent shedding his
spect acles and business suit t o reveal t he m ight y Superm an, we m ay uncover a giant ident it y t hat is
m ore t han our behaviors, m ore t han our past , m ore t han any label we've been giving ourselves.
TH E POW ER TO r e in ve n t YOURSELF
Now, let 's expand!
I f your ident it y isn't everyt hing you want it t o be, t hen m ake it t hat way. St art by t aking t he following
four st eps t o reinvent yourself.
1. Make a list right now of all t he elem ent s of your ident it y you want t o have. As you m ake t he list ,
revel in t he power you have right now t o change sim ply by deciding t o. Who are som e people who
have t hese charact erist ics you aspire t o having? Can t hey serve as role m odels? I m agine yourself
fusing wit h t his new ident it y.
I m agine how you'd breat he. How would you walk? How would you t alk? How would you t hink? How
would you feel?
2. I f you'd t ruly like t o expand your ident it y and your life, t hen, right now, consciously decide who you
want t o be. Get excit ed, be like a kid again, and describe in det ail who you've decided you are t oday.
Take a m om ent now t o writ e down your expanded list .
3. Now develop a plan of act ion you could t ake t hat would cause you t o know t hat you're t r uly living
consist ent ly wit h your new ident it y. I n developing t his plan, pay special at t ent ion t o t he friends you're
choosing t o spend t im e wit h. Will t hey reinforce or dest roy t he ident it y you're creat ing?
There's not hing quit e as pleasurable as seeing som eone expand t heir ident it y. One of t he gr eat est j oys
I 've experienced in recent years was wat ching t he t ransform at ion of m y eldest son, Tyier, as he went
from a neophyt e int erest ed in flying helicopt ers wit h m e, t o a m ast er j et pilot , t o a com m ercial
helicopt er pilot . What a change in self- est eem as he began t o realize t hat he'd becom e one of t he few
197
su ffu se durchflut en ( Licht ) ; überziehen ( Röt e und so weit er)
who do versus t he m any who t alk—t hat he had m ast ered t he skies and creat ed for him self t he
unlim it ed freedom t hat few would ever hope t o experience!
4. The final st ep is t o com m it t o your new ident it y by broadcast ing it t o everyone around you. The
m ost im port ant broadcast , however, is t o yourself. Use your new label t o describe yourself every
single day, and it will becom e condit ioned wit hin you.
TH E FUTURE OF YOUR I D EN TI TY
Even aft er com plet ing t his exercise, you'll want t o cont inue t o refine your ident it y, expand it , or creat e
bet t er rules for it . We live in a dynam ic world where our ident it ies m ust cont inually expand in order t o
enj oy a great er qualit y of life. You need t o becom e aware of t hings t hat m ay influence your ident it y,
not ice whet her t hey are em powering or disem powering you, and t ake cont rol of t he whole process.
Ot herwise you becom e a prisoner of your own past . I 'm curious: Are you now t he sam e person you
were when you picked up t his book?
I am cont inually redefining m yself, and people oft en wonder at m y level of confidence in pursuing new
vent ures. I 'm oft en asked, " How have you accom plished so m uch in your life?" I t hink t hat a big part
of it is t hat I look at t hings in a different way t han m ost : while m ost people have t o est ablish
com pet ence before t hey feel confident , I decide t o feel confident , and t hat provides t he sense of
cert aint y t o persist unt il I am com pet ent . That 's why m y ident it y is not lim it ed by m y past references.
I f you were t o ask m e who I am t oday ( and I m ight decide t o change t om orr ow! ) , I would say t hat I
am a creat or of possibilit y, an inst igat or of j oy, a cat alyst for growt h, a builder of people, and a
producer of passion. I am not a m ot ivat or, a preacher, or a guru. I am one of t he nat ion's expert s in
t he psychology of change. I am a coach, an ent repr eneur, a husband, a fat her, a lover, a friend, an
ent ert ainer, a t elevision personalit y, a nat ionally best - selling aut hor, one of t he m ost im pact ful
speaker s in t he nat ion, a black belt , a j et helicopt er pilot , an int ernat ional businessm an, a healt h
expert , an advocat e for t he hom eless, a philant hropist , a t eacher, a person who m akes a difference, a
force for good, a healer, a challenger . . . and a fun, out rageous, and hum ble kind o' guy!
I ident it y wit h t he highest elem ent s of m y self, and I view t hose facet s of m e t hat are not yet perfect
as an opport unit y for growt h rat her t han as charact er flaws. You and I need t o expand our view of who
we are. We need t o m ake cert ain t hat t he labels we put upon ourselves are not lim it s but
enhancem ent s, t hat we add t o all t hat 's already good wit hin us—for what ever you and I begin t o
ident ify wit h, we will becom e. This is t he power of belief.
" I f we all did t he t hings we are capable of doing, we would lit erally ast ound ourselves."
THOMAS A. EDI SON
Because of m y com m it m ent t o const ant ly expand m y capacit y t o appreciat e all aspect s of life, I 'm
always pursuing unique references. Years ago, I decided t o visit t he Bellevue m orgue 198 , and I
198
m or gu e Leichenschauhaus; um gangssprachlich: ( Zeit ungs) Ar chiv
experienced a m aj or life t rans