Jared's SNL Monologue (SNL Self Monologue) By Jared Narter-Slezak INT. SNL - NIGHT JARED Wow, is it Saturday night already? Normally I'd be a bar right now, am I right? No, but they assured me I could get as drunk as I wanted here. People are probably wondering who I am wearing today. I am wearing Jared's skin suit parentheses snl clothes by Marc Jacobs... I've never been much of a stand up guy so I thought "why start today?" Jared sits down. JARED Now for some prepared jokes. Hey, I know what you all wanna hear from someone like me: jokes about different races. So, I was watching nascar with a black guy. This guys says to me "I hate nascar". I told him he was being racist. Soon after, we both understood our miscommunication and got Sushi. We told the waiter, who had a laugh about that. He taught me a lot about life, love, and the black experience in America. The waiter, not the racist. JARED So, as anybody might do, I went home to my wife and kids. Which is my loving nickname for my woman I married and the people she birthed. All of them sat me down in a circle and tried to tell me something but I was too drunk to listen to them. All in all it was a lovely conversation. My wife asked me that night if I still loved her. So I asked her if bears shit in the woods. Neither of us knew the answer so we looked it up on youtube. And turns out, 911 was a conspiracy. So I went knocking on the doors of my congressional representatives to ask them if they knew about this. All they said was "ahh get that gun out my face". I insisted they stop dodging the question. It was a struggle, but I was finally granted to be king of 2. america. Jared pulls out a folded piece of paper that looks like a certificate. Its signed in blood. JARED Ugh democracy, right? Ahahahahha Jared looks around laughing. JARED We're all so fed up with democracy here. If only there was someone BETTER running! Am I right? It's this collective exhaustion of democracy that leads me, Jared, to announce my run that I take every morning at 9 am to prepare for my political campaign that I am announcing now! With the help of you folks tonight and the mandatory signatures of the oompa loompas Lorne still has dominion over, I believe we can make a better America. A better world. A better episode of SNL with musical guest Chicago funk band "Fat Night".
