00:00:02 Sonali
You ready to rock out to the?
00:00:03 Leslie
80S and have some fun inside, raising your strong willed child with another great conversation.
00:00:10 Leslie
You too.
00:00:10 Leslie
I'm sonali.
00:00:11 Leslie
I'm glad that you're here.
00:00:13 Leslie
Before we dive into today's amazing conversation, I want to remind you of a few quick things.
00:00:20 Leslie
First, all conversations are live.
00:00:22 Leslie
For 24 hours and then they'll be available again during the replay period for 48 hours. I encourage you
to watch them again and again and to share raising your strong willed child with family and friends
professional.
00:00:35 Leslie
Colleagues, anyone that you think may benefit from this series or from even one conversation inside
the series, I would encourage you to take advantage of the half off sale on the All Access Pass during this
series.
00:00:51 Leslie
So that's an incredible offer if you know that you might miss some conversations or there's a
conversation that you want to watch again.
00:00:57 Speaker 3
You know you want.
00:00:58 Leslie
To move through these in a way.
00:01:00 Leslie
Where you can internalize and practice what speakers are saying.
00:01:05 Leslie
This is a great opportunity to purchase that all Access pass for half off now during the half off sale.
00:01:12 Leslie
So you'll find that link on this page.
00:01:13 Leslie
Just click it and hit purchase.
00:01:15 Leslie
You'll also get access to master class with me on handling aggression in your strong.
00:01:21 Leslie
And so thank you again for being here, and let's dive into this conversation.
00:01:27 Leslie
Hey there.
00:01:27 Leslie
Welcome back.
00:01:28 Leslie
This is raising your spangle child.
00:01:30 Leslie
I'm really excited for our conversation today.
00:01:33 Leslie
If you have a child that struggles with emotion like big emotions and overwhelm, which I can
confidently say is probably every parent joining us today, you're going to enjoy this conversation with my
new friend.
00:01:46 Leslie
Leslie. Giselle. Hi, Leslie. Welcome.
00:01:49 Sonali
Thank you so much for having me.
00:01:50 Sonali
I know we're new friends, but I I feel like I've known you forever.
00:01:54 Sonali
I I have a mad crush on you girl crush.
00:01:57 Sonali
So thank you so much for having me.
00:02:01 Sonali
Thank you.
00:02:01 Leslie
Oh, I'm really excited for this conversation.
00:02:04 Leslie
And before we hit record, I think with we were talking about overwhelm and being real and.
00:02:09 Leslie
We had we had been sharing some of the things that are real about us, so I'll lead.
00:02:15 Leslie
And what I want to do is I.
00:02:16 Leslie
Think it's important that we as parents as.
00:02:19 Leslie
People can be whole human people and enjoy that.
00:02:23 Speaker 3
So when we hopped on, you've been.
00:02:25 Speaker 3
Like, oh, you look good.
00:02:26 Speaker 3
And I said, ah, the.
00:02:28 Speaker 4
Hotter and more sunny, it gets here.
00:02:30 Speaker 4
I'm more I dress.
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Up so I work with myself.
00:02:34 Leslie
And yeah, and so it, like, that's part of me that's being real that.
00:02:38 Leslie
Yeah, you can you can tell because when I do my taxes, I wear an evening gowns.
00:02:44 Sonali
I think that is I don't do my taxes, so I don't.
00:02:47 Sonali
I hope somebody.
00:02:47 Sonali
Else who does?
00:02:48 Sonali
It But I've got on and I and this is an interesting lesson for me.
00:02:52 Sonali
I apologized that I was wearing my glasses.
00:02:55 Sonali
Which I never do.
00:02:57 Sonali
From those of you know, I never wear my glasses to video, but my allergies are messed today and I
can't get my contact lenses in and I realize like that was silly of me.
00:03:06 Sonali
Like, why?
00:03:07 Sonali
Why do I?
00:03:08 Sonali
Am I apologizing for wearing?
00:03:11 Sonali
My glasses.
00:03:12 Sonali
But that was just silly.
00:03:13 Sonali
And you brought that to my attention.
00:03:14 Sonali
And I thought that was a great lesson even for all of us.
00:03:17 Sonali
Like it is.
00:03:18 Sonali
What it is I am?
00:03:19 Sonali
Who I.
00:03:19 Sonali
Am this is.
00:03:19 Sonali
What I look like today doesn't matter what.
00:03:21 Sonali
I look like.
00:03:22 Sonali
It's what I have to say and you're.
00:03:24 Speaker 4
Here, and you're you're you're apologizing.
00:03:26 Leslie
Because you care about bringing it your best self forward because you want people.
00:03:30 Leslie
To hear your message.
00:03:32 Leslie
This is ourselves that we're bringing forward.
00:03:34 Leslie
So here we are, glasses and and dressed up because my body hurts and we're here because we because
we're unconditionally committed to sharing this message.
00:03:44 Leslie
And that's one of the things that I appreciate.
00:03:45 Leslie
About you is.
00:03:46 Leslie
How you are warm, compassionate, caring and.
00:03:52 Leslie
Focused and clear and.
00:03:55 Sonali
And the little funny and a little funny.
00:03:57 Speaker 4
Funny. Yeah. Give you funny.
00:04:01 Speaker 3
You give funny too.
00:04:02 Speaker 3
We have been laughing already.
00:04:04 Speaker 3
We're gonna.
00:04:04 Leslie
Have fun today in this conversation.
00:04:07 Speaker 4
So before we.
00:04:08 Leslie
Dive in would.
00:04:09 Leslie
You share a little bit too about.
00:04:11 Leslie
What you do and.
00:04:12 Leslie
Why you do it?
00:04:13 Leslie
For those price trainings?
00:04:14 Sonali
Of course.
00:04:15 Sonali
So for those of you who don't know me, my signature line is that it all started with my son.
00:04:23 Sonali
I I have been around for a very long time.
00:04:27 Sonali
We are going on.
00:04:28 Sonali
We'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary.
00:04:32 Sonali
Wow in September.
00:04:35 Sonali
So the name of my company is order out of chaos and we primarily work with parents, students and
related professionals who are neurodiverse.
00:04:44 Sonali
Oops, that's how we say it and and we offer all kinds of like, as you know, products and programs and
workshops and webinars and coaching all around the mission to help you help your students be successful
not only not only in learning, but also in life.
00:05:02 Sonali
And I find that piece is.
00:05:05 Sonali
Listen a lot.
00:05:06 Sonali
That we focus so much on the school part and not on the life part and and so 20 years later we are just
this vast global virtual community of dedicated parents.
00:05:18 Sonali
And I think just saying it all started with my son is telling.
00:05:21 Sonali
You why I do this?
00:05:22 Sonali
And I think just the fact that I've been doing this for 20 years tells you why I'm still doing this.
00:05:28
Right.
00:05:29 Sonali
What's amazing is back then in 2004, there weren't power summits and podcasts and membership
programs, and all of these unbelievable resources and tools. But what hasn't changed?
00:05:43 Sonali
Molly is the need for connection, the need for community, the need for learning, the need for feeling
heard, the feeling, the need for feeling not alone, and that is what is fascinating to me.
00:05:55 Sonali
What are yours is a long time to be doing this and so much has changed.
00:05:59 Sonali
Yet nothing has changed.
00:06:02 Leslie
I love that you said that because those are you give me chills.
00:06:05 Leslie
You're saying it right?
00:06:06 Leslie
Because when I, those are our core needs, each and every one of us has those needs that need to know
that we belong.
00:06:13 Leslie
That we're understood that we are important, that we matter and we have those needs and our kids
have those needs those core needs.
00:06:20 Leslie
Do not change.
00:06:21 Sonali
They don't change.
00:06:21 Speaker 4
We get these.
00:06:22 Leslie
Met may change overtime, but the core needs don't change.
00:06:26 Sonali
We just have more information at our fingertips and maybe we can be a global community, but it's
amazing to me that.
00:06:34 Sonali
That we're still strive, we're still looking for answers.
00:06:37 Sonali
We're still looking for education and information as a collective.
00:06:41 Sonali
So I'm really that's kind of why I still do what I do.
00:06:45 Sonali
20 years later.
00:06:47 Leslie
I really appreciate you sharing that.
00:06:50 Leslie
So I want to dive into this topic about overwhelmed because I know parents are leaning in.
00:06:55 Leslie
I know they're like, yes, me.
00:06:57 Sonali
OK, so let's talk, right?
00:06:59 Speaker 3
So let's talk.
00:07:00 Speaker 3
Let's lean in with them and.
00:07:03 Leslie
When you hear that, So what?
00:07:05 Leslie
Let's start with what does over overwhelm in your child look like so that parents can identify it.
00:07:11 Sonali
So before we even say that I I have to say that in our Community, meeting in the order out of caste
community, we have sayings for things, it's just how our community remembers stuff.
00:07:23 Sonali
We try to make it super user friendly, so when we talk about the overwhelmed child, we call it the
TOO.
00:07:31 Sonali
Child, right. The two child not TWOTO yeah.
00:07:36 Sonali
Meaning everything is too big.
00:07:39 Sonali
Too hard, too much, too vague, too loud, and I'm sure we can, like, play this game and fill in the blank.
00:07:47 Sonali
I want to think too.
00:07:48 Speaker 4
Big, too small, too light, too dark, too salty too.
00:07:51 Sonali
Right.
00:07:52 Speaker 4
Sweet like just?
00:07:53 Speaker 4
Light all the.
00:07:53 Sonali
Too, too, it's too hard.
00:07:55 Sonali
It's too much.
00:07:56 Sonali
It's too loud.
00:07:57 Sonali
It's too vague.
00:07:58 Sonali
It's too.
00:07:59 Sonali
It's just two.
00:08:01 Sonali
And I remember the first time I said.
00:08:03 Sonali
That in a in a.
00:08:04 Sonali
Group and I was.
00:08:04 Sonali
Like, that's amazing.
00:08:06 Sonali
That's exactly what it is.
00:08:08 Sonali
It's your student.
00:08:09 Sonali
We call them students, not children.
00:08:11 Sonali
Students going it's students fill in the blank.
00:08:14 Sonali
That is how we describe.
00:08:17 Sonali
The the crux of like an overlong child.
00:08:20 Sonali
Now, obviously there's it looks different on every child.
00:08:24 Sonali
You know, some kids show it by being quiet.
00:08:28 Sonali
Some kids show they're overwhelmed by saying that they're sick.
00:08:32 Sonali
Some kids are frustrated, some kids are strong willed.
00:08:36 Sonali
Right.
00:08:37 Sonali
I want to say that.
00:08:38 Sonali
Sometimes our overwhelm comes out of a strong will, or inflexible or rigid, that doesn't right.
00:08:44 Sonali
There and what?
00:08:45 Sonali
I like to say is your kid loves kids.
00:08:48 Sonali
Not all kids.
00:08:49 Sonali
We never speak in, in absolutes, but most kids don't wake up in the morning.
00:08:53 Sonali
And say hey today I.
00:08:55 Sonali
Really want to **** *** my parents?
00:08:57 Sonali
And be strong willed and dig their they don't.
00:09:00 Sonali
Excuse me, there's.
00:09:01 Sonali
Always something going on underneath the surface.
00:09:05 Sonali
And it's usually that they started the day as I like to say, with an empty bucket.
00:09:11 Sonali
And as the day went on, it just filled and felt like I gotta keep it together.
00:09:16 Sonali
I gotta keep it together.
00:09:17 Sonali
I gotta keep it together.
00:09:18 Sonali
And then as we all know, the bucket overflows and it usually overflows when they're with you.
00:09:24 Sonali
When they get home.
00:09:25 Sonali
Or they've got that I.
00:09:27 Sonali
Mean we do everything very visually because visuals, you know, we can.
00:09:32 Leslie
Oh yeah.
00:09:32 Sonali
We can provide to visuals.
00:09:34 Speaker 3
I connect to that I'm the vision.
00:09:34 Speaker 4
What's connect to that I know.
00:09:36 Speaker 4
That loves visual.
00:09:39 Sonali
I know that or it's the it's the small lock that's sitting on the shoulder that glows into a bigger rock and
then a bigger rock and then now your tower and your child is carrying around that £100 boulder that is
just completely.
00:09:56 Sonali
You know him whole day into like smithereens.
00:10:00 Sonali
So you probably have one of those at home, and the way I always say it is when your child's like, you
know, I'm sure you hear it.
00:10:08 Sonali
The parent who says I don't get it.
00:10:10 Sonali
I said hello to.
00:10:10 Sonali
My kid, when they walked in the door and.
00:10:14 Sonali
Right.
00:10:15 Leslie
And and and then, yeah.
00:10:16 Leslie
And then they they had it melt down or they went to their.
00:10:17 Speaker 4
Set it up.
00:10:19 Leslie
Room and slammed the.
00:10:20 Leslie
Door or a whole bunch of other responses.
00:10:23 Sonali
And yeah, that bucket overflowed and and.
00:10:26 Sonali
What I like to equate it to.
00:10:28 Sonali
And this is, I think, a really good way of doing it is if you.
00:10:30 Sonali
All remember when?
00:10:31 Sonali
Your when your child was an infant.
00:10:34 Sonali
And and your child would cry.
00:10:36 Sonali
From like 6:00 to 8:00 at night. Just cry.
00:10:39 Sonali
And we, as parents would go.
00:10:40 Sonali
Why are they crying?
00:10:41 Sonali
They're not hungry.
00:10:42 Sonali
They're not tired.
00:10:43 Sonali
They woke up.
00:10:44 Sonali
And what?
00:10:45 Sonali
My pediatrician.
00:10:46 Sonali
I'll never forget this.
00:10:47 Sonali
This is the term he used.
00:10:49 Sonali
Was like.
00:10:50 Sonali
They're shedding the day.
00:10:54 Sonali
Right.
00:10:54 Sonali
That's sensory that sensory.
00:10:56 Sonali
That sensory overload that that baby took him all day with people in their face and images everywhere
and loud sounds that at the end of the day they don't have the words to express how they feel.
00:11:09 Sonali
So they cry it out, right.
00:11:11 Sonali
Some of us say they're crying it out.
00:11:13 Sonali
I love the term shed today because that's actually what your.
00:11:18 Sonali
Child is doing.
00:11:19 Sonali
It's four so.
00:11:21 Sonali
If you were sitting in a room next to me and I was explaining this, I would say to you as a parent, I
want you to hold your stomach in.
00:11:29 Sonali
You know, we're pulling our stomach sometimes to get dressed.
00:11:31 Sonali
OK, everybody at home.
00:11:32 Sonali
Hold your stomach.
00:11:34 Sonali
Now, I want you to.
00:11:35 Sonali
Hold that for eight hours.
00:11:39 Sonali
That's the child.
00:11:40 Sonali
So when you finally let it out.
00:11:44 Sonali
It's their equivalent to shutting the day.
00:11:49 Sonali
So you're seeing it as frustration or strong willed or?
00:11:54 Sonali
Anger or quiet?
00:11:56 Sonali
Or would we call the hoodie earphone syndrome?
00:12:00 Sonali
I just want to disappear.
00:12:01 Sonali
But with the shutting down.
00:12:02 Leslie
Like shutting down, it can be either form, yeah.
00:12:05 Sonali
But what it really is is this just over and a sense of just overwhelmed from a from myriad of reasons, I
mean.
00:12:14 Sonali
So yeah, that's that's kind of how we.
00:12:17 Sonali
Talk about it.
00:12:18 Leslie
Yes, and I love that description that it can look like either the meltdown or the shutting down and you
brought up the after school when they get home.
00:12:27 Leslie
And I love that analogy of holding your your stomach in because, Oh my gosh, you've been doing it
for.
00:12:32 Leslie
A couple of.
00:12:32 Speaker 3
Seconds. We all know.
00:12:34 Sonali
Imagine doing that for eight hours.
00:12:36 Leslie
Right.
00:12:37 Leslie
And and it is wonderful.
00:12:39 Speaker 4
Pull back and point out.
00:12:40 Leslie
It could even be in the morning.
00:12:42 Leslie
When your kids wake.
00:12:43 Leslie
Up they might start off the day feeling that sense of overwhelm a couple minutes in.
00:12:49 Leslie
As they're getting.
00:12:50 Leslie
Ready for school?
00:12:50 Leslie
Because even the thought of getting ready in the morning might overwhelm.
00:12:53 Sonali
Is overwhelming.
00:12:55 Sonali
Every there's so many.
00:12:56 Sonali
We listen.
00:12:57 Sonali
You know this.
00:12:58 Sonali
There are so many reasons why your child is overwhelmed.
00:13:01 Sonali
So we we kind of.
00:13:03 Sonali
I mean, there's millions, but the ones we tend to talk about are one is talking.
00:13:10 Sonali
I hate to say it, parents, it's even how we as parents talk to our children.
00:13:15 Sonali
And interestingly, I find that and you and I had this conversation when we first met, that there's a lot
of us as parent coaches who help parents understand how to speak to our children.
00:13:29 Sonali
When there's a big moment involved, maybe your child did something you know that wasn't correct.
00:13:36 Sonali
Their behavior was unacceptable.
00:13:39 Sonali
Maybe they lied.
00:13:40 Sonali
So you're you're learning how to handle what?
00:13:42 Sonali
I call the.
00:13:43 Sonali
Big moments, but.
00:13:44 Sonali
Interestingly, there's not a lot of information being presented to parents.
00:13:50 Sonali
About how to just speak every day and that things that we think as parents.
00:13:56 Sonali
Again, I'm not disparaging anybody.
00:13:58 Sonali
I am a parent.
00:13:59 Sonali
I have to check myself at the door.
00:14:01 Sonali
Trust me, my son was at my house yesterday and even I had to go.
00:14:04 Sonali
Should I really be saying this to him right now like I check myself?
00:14:08 Sonali
So I I am not perfect in any way shape or form but what we don't?
00:14:09 Speaker 4
I do too, yes.
00:14:15 Sonali
Realize is some of the things that we say.
00:14:18 Sonali
That are super innocuous, like we don't even realize that we like what could be so bad about that can
really promote or overwhelmed in our child.
00:14:29 Sonali
So can I give you like an example?
00:14:31 Speaker 4
Yes, let's talk about the thing.
00:14:33 Speaker 4
Yes, let's go.
00:14:34 Speaker 4
Let's go.
00:14:34 Speaker 4
Let's go on in with an.
00:14:35 Leslie
Example, go for it so.
00:14:37 Sonali
I I see it all the time with our parents that when they go to their child, hey, can you?
00:14:44 Sonali
And I'm just pretending it's a house and there's an upstairs and a downstairs.
00:14:47 Sonali
It doesn't have to be, but you as a parent might say to your.
00:14:50 Sonali
Child, can you just come down?
00:14:52 Sonali
Can you come down? Hey, I'm going to use my son's name. Hey.
00:14:54 Sonali
Eli, can you come downstairs?
00:14:57 Sonali
Come downstairs for me.
00:14:58 Sonali
I want to talk to you.
00:15:01 Sonali
We don't think anything of that, right?
00:15:04 Sonali
What did I just say that would be so horrible or overwhelming or make my kid inflexible or strong
willed?
00:15:10 Sonali
Or dig his.
00:15:11 Sonali
Heels in or become defiant or obstinate.
00:15:13 Sonali
I could keep going or.
00:15:14 Leslie
Shut down and pretend.
00:15:15 Leslie
Like you didn't just ask them.
00:15:16 Leslie
To come down.
00:15:18 Speaker 4
There is.
00:15:19 Speaker 4
So a lot of space in the.
00:15:20 Leslie
Shutting down today in.
00:15:21 Leslie
This conversation. Yeah, but.
00:15:23 Sonali
There's so much in that because, again, coming from the child, OK, remember we work primarily with
kids that are neurodiverse.
00:15:30 Sonali
So imagine if you have a nerve diverse child.
00:15:33 Sonali
They've heard their name negatively.
00:15:35 Sonali
200 times that day.
00:15:38 Sonali
More or less.
00:15:39 Sonali
So you so the.
00:15:40 Sonali
Very first thing they're thinking when they hear.
00:15:43 Sonali
Hey, can you come downstairs is.
00:15:46 Sonali
What did I do wrong?
00:15:48 Speaker 3
Yeah, what I.
00:15:49 Sonali
Do first thing.
00:15:51 Sonali
What did I do wrong?
00:15:52 Sonali
And the sad thing is if they have executive dysfunction.
00:15:56 Sonali
They can't really always remember what this they did.
00:15:58 Sonali
Earlier in the day, that working memory is kind of.
00:16:01 Sonali
Weak so they don't even remember.
00:16:03 Sonali
Did I do something wrong?
00:16:04 Sonali
And now they're overwhelming their brain.
00:16:05 Sonali
Kind of like trying to.
00:16:06 Sonali
Scam the day. What?
00:16:07 Sonali
They do what they do, what the teacher did.
00:16:09 Sonali
The teacher calls it.
00:16:09 Sonali
I do something I don't remember.
00:16:11 Sonali
Where did you?
00:16:12 Sonali
And then it's OK.
00:16:14 Sonali
How much time is this gonna take?
00:16:17 Sonali
What are we talking about?
00:16:19 Sonali
Am I ready?
00:16:20 Sonali
To receive all this information.
00:16:22 Sonali
So you were the.
00:16:24 Sonali
I know it's funny, but it's not.
00:16:26 Sonali
That overwhelm has, like, gone.
00:16:28 Sonali
So my one of my most I think you might say famous tips and I.
00:16:34 Sonali
And this is something I started doing years and years ago with my.
00:16:37 Sonali
Own kid and I noticed the difference is I would preempt the topic and the time.
00:16:46 Sonali
I would say that I would say instead of going, hey, can you come downstairs?
00:16:50 Sonali
I'd say, hey, I could.
00:16:53 Sonali
I need 5 minutes of your time to talk about logistics for tomorrow.
00:16:58 Sonali
I'm just.
00:16:59 Sonali
Making that up.
00:17:00 Sonali
Yes, yes.
00:17:02 Sonali
And notice the difference.
00:17:04 Sonali
I huge huge difference.
00:17:08 Sonali
Anxiety just went down a a ton.
00:17:11 Sonali
So like it's those types of conversations, those types of what I.
00:17:15 Sonali
Call parent LED language.
00:17:17 Sonali
That I I really believe when we see it all the time, if you can just like, get into your child's brain.
00:17:23 Sonali
What it what am I now?
00:17:24 Sonali
I know we can't do it all the time.
00:17:26 Sonali
You know we're in.
00:17:27 Sonali
A hurry and we.
00:17:27 Sonali
Say things, but if.
00:17:29 Sonali
You have a moment to put parameters around what it is you're asking.
00:17:34 Sonali
I guarantee you you will.
00:17:36 Sonali
You will see more engagement and you will see less overwhelm.
00:17:40 Sonali
And that's just in dialoguing just that like.
00:17:44 Sonali
And I used to even set a timer and say I told you it's going to be 5 minutes.
00:17:48 Sonali
I'm going to set that timer for 5 minutes.
00:17:50 Sonali
Obviously don't do that anymore.
00:17:52 Sonali
But when they were younger, it actually was respectful.
00:17:56 Sonali
Yes, and I liked leading that way.
00:17:59 Sonali
I and and and because they could see it, I actually gave I I got the attention I needed.
00:18:06 Leslie
Right.
00:18:06 Leslie
And it's trust building with them because you're saying, look, I'm not gonna scope creep here and bring
up other topics.
00:18:13 Leslie
We're talking about this one thing for 5 minutes.
00:18:15 Leslie
Here's the timer.
00:18:16 Leslie
So they can be like.
00:18:17
OK.
00:18:18 Leslie
We mean this and then through the experiences repeated experiences of seeing that their their.
00:18:24 Leslie
Bodies can relax.
00:18:26 Leslie
That that is what it yeah, you.
00:18:28 Leslie
You're working with the overwhelmed before it hits your brain.
00:18:32 Sonali
I'm just trying to preempt overwhelm.
00:18:35 Sonali
I'm actually trying to preempt.
00:18:37 Sonali
It's the same way I coach parents.
00:18:40 Sonali
You and I'm sure this plays out and I'm I'm seeing.
00:18:43 Sonali
I can.
00:18:43 Sonali
I'm I'm going to.
00:18:44 Sonali
I know I'm going to.
00:18:46 Sonali
There's a lot of head bobs with what I'm about to say, so we tend to do a lot of two on one conversations
with the with with our children, meaning if it's something like we think the other caregiver or the other
parent needs to be in the room.
00:19:00 Sonali
But or what happens is let's say I started the conversation with, let's say I again, I was having a
conversation with my son.
00:19:07 Speaker 4
Well, we're we're going.
00:19:08 Sonali
To reverse it, I'm going to call myself out.
00:19:10 Sonali
Let's say I happen to be married, but I know that there's different partnerships and and you know how
people partner.
00:19:16 Sonali
Maybe it's a single parent or you have. Maybe it's grandparents or it's a partnership. But let's say one
person 11 caregiver is speaking, but I'm going to use my husband. My husband would be speaking.
00:19:28 Sonali
I would be hearing this going.
00:19:29 Sonali
Wait, he's not saying this?
00:19:30 Sonali
He's not saying that and.
00:19:32 Sonali
I would completely on him.
00:19:35 Sonali
And I would be like and I'm now tag teaming.
00:19:38 Sonali
I'm going.
00:19:39 Sonali
I'm saying something and he's saying something, but now I'm not liking what he's saying.
00:19:43 Sonali
So now my the my child is now overwhelmed because the amount of information he has to take in is
twice as much.
00:19:52 Sonali
He's listening to this ping ponging which if your child.
00:19:55 Sonali
With any kind of sensory, it's going to be very difficult for them to process and more importantly,
you're probably some of you are now having a conversation with your partner going.
00:20:05 Sonali
I didn't know that you.
00:20:06 Sonali
Why didn't you say this?
00:20:07 Sonali
I didn't want to say that.
00:20:08 Sonali
How come you didn't want to say this?
00:20:10 Sonali
There's head bobs and now you kind of created this.
00:20:14 Sonali
I don't want to be here.
00:20:15 Sonali
I don't want to listen to this and.
00:20:17 Sonali
Your child swings away.
00:20:19 Sonali
So as much as we can avoid.
00:20:22 Sonali
The two on ones your child will also feel less like I find that like when there's that two on one, there's
this.
00:20:31 Sonali
OK, I'm.
00:20:31 Sonali
I'm going to sit here and I just pretend I'm listening so that I can.
00:20:35 Sonali
Now, I know that every conversation, there are some conversations that need the two on one.
00:20:40 Sonali
Then you need to figure out.
00:20:42 Sonali
Who's going to speak?
00:20:46 Leslie
I really love that you brought this up because what I heard you saying is when.
00:20:50 Leslie
There's that well first.
00:20:51 Leslie
Of all, when we come in and we want to intercept the conversation, that's just bringing that desire for
it to be perfect.
00:20:57 Speaker 3
Right. And we talked about.
00:20:59 Speaker 3
Before how like instead of perfect let's go for like.
00:21:02 Leslie
Parenting that has personality, and let us be us.
00:21:05 Leslie
And also when our kids see that conflict externally, that can overwhelm them internally.
00:21:13 Sonali
And so overwhelming for them, it's so overwhelming.
00:21:17 Sonali
And as your child gets older, they're actually going to say it to you.
00:21:20 Sonali
They're going to say I'm out of here.
00:21:22 Sonali
I'm leaving.
00:21:23 Sonali
You two can Duke it out or I've had parents say even mean.
00:21:26 Sonali
My kid goes, I don't want.
00:21:27 Sonali
I don't need to be here while you're fighting and and out they go and you've created this.
00:21:32 Sonali
And So what happens now?
00:21:33 Sonali
They're going to be.
00:21:34 Sonali
I don't want to have these conversations with you.
00:21:38 Sonali
It's a.
00:21:38 Sonali
So what we're not seeing is these simple like, oh, I'm just going to have this conversation and I'm just
going to kind of waltz in and join in.
00:21:45 Sonali
We think it's innocuous, but it really has repercussions.
00:21:50 Sonali
So I just want these are just like little micro moments or little vignettes almost that I find are the most
popular ones that.
00:21:58 Sonali
We we share.
00:21:59 Sonali
Yeah, it's right.
00:22:00 Leslie
Yes, and I love that you're focusing on this because one of my favorite things is that it's not that, you
know, like, you know that saying it's not the big things, it's the little things.
00:22:07 Leslie
I think there's so many different aspects to that saying, like these little things that we do can create
overwhelm.
00:22:14 Leslie
It's not that big thing.
00:22:16 Sonali
It's not if if I find it's even even when your child is overwhelmed and we really, I really wish we had.
00:22:22 Sonali
I'm going to talk about this for a second if that is OK.
00:22:25 Sonali
Is when your child is in an overwhelm moment.
00:22:28 Sonali
We need to understand what the what is happening to the brain.
00:22:33 Sonali
So this is where the ADHD coach brings in a little bit of science, but in a.
00:22:37 Sonali
Very user friendly way.
00:22:39 Leslie
Promise. So. OK.
00:22:41 Sonali
We know that our left about left brain, right brain.
00:22:43 Sonali
Our left brain is the the rational.
00:22:46 Sonali
Brain, it's the logical brain.
00:22:47 Sonali
It's the linear thinking brain.
00:22:50 Sonali
It's but our right.
00:22:51 Sonali
But our right brain is the emotion.
00:22:54 Sonali
And what we have to remember is the right brain always wins.
00:22:58 Sonali
There's no way fans of butts don't come after me and go.
00:23:00 Sonali
But there's no buts here.
00:23:02 Sonali
No, no butts.
00:23:03 Sonali
Right.
00:23:03 Sonali
Brain always wins feelings over facts.
00:23:06 Sonali
I want everyone to hear me say that feelings over facts when all the time.
00:23:11 Sonali
So what happens is your feelings shut down.
00:23:13 Sonali
Any rational thinking?
00:23:15 Sonali
Well, we as parents with fixers with problem solvers, I get that.
00:23:19 Sonali
Trust me, I'm a massive problem.
00:23:21 Speaker 4
Are So what we tend to do is.
00:23:23 Sonali
Play to that left brain, you're gonna be fine.
00:23:26 Sonali
It's gonna be OK.
00:23:28 Sonali
It wasn't so bad, again.
00:23:30 Sonali
Words that we don't think are harmful.
00:23:32 Sonali
We think they're helpful, right?
00:23:34 Sonali
Isn't it helpful for someone to say to you?
00:23:35 Sonali
It's not so well?
00:23:37 Sonali
No, it's really not full.
00:23:38 Sonali
Actually, I find it invalidating actually.
00:23:43 Speaker 4
Now tell me it's gonna be.
00:23:46 Speaker 4
Fine, what you're doing when?
00:23:48 Sonali
You feed that like when you feed those words, it makes that right brain grow bigger.
00:23:52 Sonali
What you're doing is making that right brain bigger and bigger and bigger.
00:23:57 Sonali
So what's it's saying?
00:23:58 Sonali
I need to.
00:23:58 Leslie
Be louder, bigger to be heard.
00:24:02 Sonali
I call it.
00:24:03 Sonali
I'll say it's the other side of me, like I'm a New Yorker.
00:24:06 Sonali
That's who I am.
00:24:07 Sonali
I'm not bossy.
00:24:08 Sonali
I'm feisty.
00:24:09 Sonali
But I always say it's it's the other side of me.
00:24:11 Sonali
It's like.
00:24:15 Speaker 4
Can I can I?
00:24:16 Leslie
I I love this because one of the things that I say is instead of trying to fix it, acknowledge it and I just
put together.
00:24:22 Leslie
Ohh the fix.
00:24:23 Leslie
It they're doing something about it.
00:24:25 Leslie
The problem solver is that left brain, they acknowledge it is is validating the right brain.
00:24:32 Leslie
The emotional.
00:24:33 Sonali
The emotional peace.
00:24:33 Leslie
And So what you were saying?
00:24:35 Leslie
And so you were saying.
00:24:36 Leslie
So that's how, like I say and just fix it.
00:24:38 Leslie
Acknowledge because we want to go in as a parent.
00:24:40 Leslie
Think the good parent comes in and.
00:24:41 Sonali
You want to fix it.
00:24:43 Speaker 4
And we can't.
00:24:44 Speaker 4
We have to.
00:24:45 Sonali
We can't fix it until the right brain is is back to center, right?
00:24:49 Sonali
We can't fix it until we take that down.
00:24:51 Sonali
So how do?
00:24:52 Sonali
We do that and this is.
00:24:53 Speaker 4
Really hard for parents.
00:24:54 Sonali
I get it.
00:24:55 Sonali
We have to empathize and it's really difficult to empathize, particularly if your child, let's say your
child, has done something.
00:25:03 Sonali
You don't like.
00:25:05 Sonali
And you wanna have a teaching moment right then?
00:25:07 Sonali
And there and I'm like.
00:25:10 Sonali
No, that does not mean you don't get to parent your child.
00:25:13 Sonali
Obviously you get to parent your child, you just don't get to parent them in that moment, and I find
that that is probably of all the parenting stuff we teach.
00:25:25 Sonali
That is probably the hardest thing for parents is I am not liking the way my child.
00:25:31 Sonali
I know they're having a moment.
00:25:32 Sonali
I want to parent them right now and I'm like you can't because you've got to take down that right brain.
00:25:39 Sonali
So yes, you have to empathize.
00:25:42 Sonali
You have to say I hear you.
00:25:45 Sonali
I understand.
00:25:47 Sonali
I'm listening.
00:25:49 Sonali
Isn't that one I'm listening, or wait for it.
00:25:53 Sonali
You're going to say nothing and what I want you to remember is the acronym weight.
00:26:00 Sonali
Why am I talking?
00:26:05 Sonali
That is really hard, friends.
00:26:07 Sonali
I get it.
00:26:08 Sonali
I have it above my.
00:26:09 Sonali
Desk but here's what I want you to.
00:26:11 Sonali
Say, why am I talking right now?
00:26:14 Sonali
Is me talking?
00:26:15 Sonali
Going to be productive?
00:26:17 Sonali
Had we had.
00:26:18 Sonali
Maybe a silent moment?
00:26:19 Sonali
Or can I just let my child speak?
00:26:23 Sonali
When your child says to you stop talking to me right now.
00:26:27 Sonali
I need 5 minutes.
00:26:29 Sonali
That is not an invitation for you to get up and follow them into their bedroom while they keep talking.
00:26:36 Sonali
Oh, that would.
00:26:36 Speaker 4
Be me 10.
00:26:37 Sonali
Years ago. I'm I am.
00:26:39 Speaker 4
That would be 25 minutes.
00:26:43 Leslie
I love that's actually them.
00:26:45 Leslie
Having a boundary that keeps them safe, clear and focused, they need those 5 minutes to reregulate.
00:26:51 Leslie
Then you guys can have the conversation.
00:26:54 Sonali
But that is not an invitation for you to follow them down the hall, which would have been ohh but.
00:26:59 Sonali
That was me 10 years ago.
00:27:01 Sonali
Years ago I was like, OK, that's he.
00:27:04 Sonali
But I need to fix this.
00:27:06 Sonali
I need to finish the conversation.
00:27:07 Sonali
I need to pair you right now.
00:27:10 Sonali
And I'm telling you, it's tough.
00:27:12 Sonali
It is not easy.
00:27:13 Sonali
It's going to take practice.
00:27:15 Sonali
It is really hard to say to.
00:27:17 Sonali
Why am I talking right now?
00:27:19 Sonali
But it is so essential to.
00:27:22 Sonali
Bringing that right brain down.
00:27:26 Leslie
I really love that the why am I talking at the allowing us to go quiet and what I was thinking is you
were sharing this lesson.
00:27:34 Leslie
You're like, oh, you don't get to hurt them.
00:27:35 Leslie
In that moment, I think that I, the way I see it, is that is parenting.
00:27:40 Leslie
We're shifting from parenting the left brain with that fixed energy to parenting the right brain.
00:27:42 Sonali
I like.
00:27:47 Leslie
With validating their emotional experience.
00:27:50 Sonali
You're so good.
00:27:51 Sonali
You're so good.
00:27:52 Sonali
That's a really good way of.
00:27:53 Sonali
Looking you are parenting but.
00:27:55 Sonali
I get it.
00:27:56 Sonali
I was just saying, but I know what what I was trying to say.
00:27:59 Sonali
Is we want to.
00:27:59 Sonali
Be teaching like and that's not happening.
00:28:02 Sonali
You actually need to and we know this.
00:28:04 Sonali
We need to be mirroring regulation, so we need to so.
00:28:09 Sonali
We tend to get we tend to.
00:28:11 Sonali
Get louder one.
00:28:12 Sonali
Of the things that my actually I always say my.
00:28:14 Sonali
Dad taught me this.
00:28:16 Sonali
Is my dad would get quieter the louder I would get, the quieter my father would get to the point where
he would.
00:28:23 Sonali
Whisper at me.
00:28:25 Sonali
Or what he used to say to me.
00:28:27 Sonali
And I actually use it.
00:28:28 Sonali
In my parenting practice, is.
00:28:30 Sonali
Can you match my tone?
00:28:34 Sonali
Now some kids.
00:28:34 Sonali
Would get angry.
00:28:35 Sonali
I understand that I actually liked it.
00:28:38 Sonali
It helped me come down to center.
00:28:42 Sonali
It helped me.
00:28:43 Sonali
He would speak very softly and say to me, can you match my tone?
00:28:49 Sonali
And it would help me to regulate.
00:28:52 Leslie
And what you're saying, it wasn't like a judgment match.
00:28:54 Sonali
No, it was an invitation the same way.
00:28:55 Leslie
It was an.
00:28:55 Leslie
It was an invitation match, right?
00:28:58 Sonali
Like, I'm listening.
00:28:59 Sonali
Can you like it?
00:29:00 Sonali
Was his weight.
00:29:00 Sonali
Can you match me?
00:29:01 Sonali
It wasn't worth for everyone, but I'm just saying that there are.
00:29:04 Sonali
These are just ways for you to mirror your regulation.
00:29:08 Sonali
It could be.
00:29:09 Sonali
I'm listening.
00:29:10 Sonali
It could be a hug from behind.
00:29:12 Sonali
I love that not in front, but behind some kids need that.
00:29:16 Sonali
Some kids don't want it.
00:29:17 Sonali
These are just all different ways.
00:29:20 Sonali
Not speaking.
00:29:22 Sonali
Mirroring that regulation, meaning you get quieter, so they might get quieter, just brings everything
worth letting them go off for 5 minutes to cool off.
00:29:31 Sonali
I'm not following them, but well, the most important lesson here is feelings over facts.
00:29:39 Leslie
I love that you brought that up.
00:29:41 Leslie
Feelings over facts, you know, instead of trying to problem solve it, acknowledge it.
00:29:47 Leslie
Meet the left brain and one of the things that I like to say is and and I love the tone like bringing down
our voice.
00:29:55 Leslie
I found using a whisper voice can be supportive and like you said, some kids.
00:29:59 Leslie
Even if they I found going nonverbal can be really supportive too.
00:30:03 Leslie
So you go to writing if you write it down on a piece of paper, it slows down the energy.
00:30:09 Leslie
So there's time to regulate.
00:30:10 Leslie
There's that space to regulate.
00:30:14 Sonali
I think, yeah.
00:30:14 Sonali
So it's very interesting you said that about about giving space, so.
00:30:20 Sonali
This is going to sound a little.
00:30:22 Sonali
Cookie, but you have.
00:30:24 Sonali
To remember, I've been doing this for a very, very long time and a lot of what overwhelms a child is a
lot of talking.
00:30:34 Sonali
Now I know I'm chatty, but actually when I am working with my some of my students, I'm actually
not chatty at all.
00:30:42 Sonali
I'm very succinct in how I present information and one of them is if you've noticed, I have these little
sayings like weight or feelings over and that's how they remember things.
00:30:54 Sonali
I get it down into very small chunk bites right like.
00:31:00 Sonali
You might heard somebody discuss executive functioning and I have drilled it down to 2 words, which
is when I describe it to a student, I say purposeful actions because that's as much as they can take.
00:31:14 Sonali
So interestingly, what I tell parents and if you notice.
00:31:20 Sonali
I'm not talking to you about school because again, I think we've done that to death, meaning we know
what overwhelms our children in school, right?
00:31:28 Sonali
We we kind of know we can talk a little bit, but I really wanted to bring almost the everydayness.
00:31:35 Sonali
Of what you might be seeing and not being able to quite put your, you know fingers on.
00:31:42 Sonali
But this constant like.
00:31:43 Sonali
And again it.
00:31:43 Sonali
Could be innocuous talking.
00:31:45 Sonali
It's it doesn't mean your child did anything bad.
00:31:47 Sonali
It could be a lot of instruction.
00:31:51 Sonali
It could be a story even where it could be.
00:31:54 Sonali
Hey, I need to tell you how the car works, right?
00:31:56 Sonali
Or just again.
00:31:58 Sonali
But what is happening is you're asking your child to be on.
00:32:02 Sonali
High, high color, high effort level.
00:32:05 Sonali
And if your child has any kind of weak executive functioning, one of those executive functions is effort
level.
00:32:14 Sonali
Right.
00:32:15 Sonali
I I call that the perception of lazy a lot of times a parent will come and say I think my child is lazy and
I will say your child isn't lazy.
00:32:25 Sonali
They I don't believe in laziness.
00:32:27 Sonali
But that's a whole other telesummit.
00:32:30 Speaker 4
I'm with you on that, yes.
00:32:31 Sonali
I don't believe in that.
00:32:32 Leslie
Lazy defiance.
00:32:34 Leslie
Any of those words.
00:32:34 Sonali
I don't believe in those words.
00:32:36 Sonali
But I believe though that your child has a hard time sustaining effort.
00:32:40 Sonali
Your hot child has a hard time initiating.
00:32:44 Sonali
That is overwhelming when you are.
00:32:47 Sonali
Spewing a lot of words and one of the things.
00:32:49 Sonali
That I actually.
00:32:50 Sonali
Do both with my child as well as my students is, I will say.
00:32:56 Sonali
I'm about to say something really important to you right now.
00:33:01 Sonali
Can you bring your effort level up?
00:33:05 Sonali
And what you're actually doing, it is not punitive in any way is you are giving that child time to receive,
to get their brain ready.
00:33:16 Sonali
And if the, interestingly, if they're sitting down, here's what you're going to notice.
00:33:20 Sonali
They might move in their chair.
00:33:23 Sonali
They might pick up something.
00:33:25 Sonali
To fidget or hold anything to like, clear the brain to get their brain ready.
00:33:33 Sonali
And because you cannot expect your child now, that doesn't mean your child isn't listening at all to
you.
00:33:38 Sonali
It just means that you need to modulate what it is that's super important versus not so important.
00:33:45 Sonali
Not everything can be important, because if everything's important, nothing's.
00:33:48 Sonali
Important right to give them their time.
00:33:53 Sonali
To get ready.
00:33:55 Sonali
But then you've got to also invite them to bring.
00:33:59 Sonali
Their effort level back down.
00:34:04 Leslie
And the how do you invite them to bring their effort level back down, Leslie?
00:34:08 Sonali
I I have to tell you this.
00:34:10 Sonali
I do a lot and tell you in a minute.
00:34:12 Sonali
I do a.
00:34:12 Sonali
Lot of work in the schools.
00:34:14 Sonali
I work a lot with teachers.
00:34:17 Sonali
And I've done millions.
00:34:18 Sonali
This is the thing they have said to me is the game changer.
00:34:22 Sonali
They said when I am.
00:34:24 Sonali
Teaching a lecture for, let's say, 20 minutes.
00:34:27 Sonali
I modulate now because it allows that child who is trying to like.
00:34:34 Sonali
I'm overwhelmed.
00:34:34 Sonali
There's so much coming at me modularly where where they are so that they can go.
00:34:40 Sonali
OK, I really need to listen to this right now.
00:34:43 Sonali
I'm not listening.
00:34:44 Sonali
But this is like, OK, my effort level is like.
00:34:47 Sonali
On you know.
00:34:48 Speaker 4
On full, full full blast and not 200% versus 100% or 80%, which we all need that.
00:34:55 Sonali
And that.
00:34:56 Leslie
Rhythm and that.
00:34:58 Sonali
And that's how we help.
00:35:00 Sonali
Kids not be so overwhelmed.
00:35:03 Sonali
We say it, I say.
00:35:04 Sonali
I mean, I know it sounds funny, but I actually know I don't just say it.
00:35:07 Sonali
I explain to my students, and I why I do it.
00:35:11 Sonali
I mean I I say it helps to preserve your brain.
00:35:14 Sonali
It helps to preserve your effort power.
00:35:17 Sonali
And I will.
00:35:17 Sonali
I used to say this, even to my, to my son.
00:35:20 Sonali
I'm like, this is gonna be a deep conversation.
00:35:23 Sonali
Not a bad conversation him doing.
00:35:24 Sonali
Me wrong, but it's.
00:35:26 Sonali
An intense conversation about whatever it was.
00:35:27 Sonali
Maybe it.
00:35:28 Sonali
Was about school or whatever, so I'm going to.
00:35:32 Sonali
Ask you during the conversation.
00:35:34 Sonali
To kind of now, he, he.
00:35:36 Sonali
Knows me and he knows.
00:35:37 Sonali
What I do so he kind of like.
00:35:38 Sonali
Was OK.
00:35:39 Sonali
About it.
00:35:40 Sonali
But I've I've done it with like other kids.
00:35:43 Sonali
I'm like, do you mind if I I have a lot to say.
00:35:46 Sonali
Do you mind if I ask you to up?
00:35:47 Sonali
And then they're like.
00:35:48 Sonali
No, no, no.
00:35:49 Sonali
And you can see the.
00:35:52 Sonali
You could see the brain like going OK.
00:35:54 Sonali
I get a little.
00:35:55 Sonali
Bit of a break.
00:35:57 Sonali
It's a fascinating thing.
00:36:00 Sonali
That's going to work for every child, but if your child.
00:36:03 Sonali
Is open to it, it's.
00:36:04 Sonali
A very good way of preserving that brain.
00:36:08 Sonali
So it doesn't.
00:36:09 Sonali
Get so overwhelmed by the sensory of information information, we forget that information is
overwhelming.
00:36:19 Sonali
Instruction or overwhelming.
00:36:22 Sonali
China is overcoming.
00:36:25 Speaker 4
There's that saying a woman with one.
00:36:29 Leslie
Watch knows what time it is.
00:36:30 Leslie
A woman with 2 watches is never.
00:36:31 Leslie
Quite sure and because.
00:36:35 Speaker 3
And I do.
00:36:35 Speaker 3
You love that.
00:36:40 Leslie
And I love what you're doing here with modulating and.
00:36:43 Leslie
I love this word.
00:36:44 Leslie
Because you're saying, hey, I recognize this, that not everything can be the same level of import.
00:36:50 Leslie
I'm actually paving the way paving the road here and telling you what's important and where we can,
you know, like ease off a bit so that we so that we have that sense of collaboration and belonging like you're
tapping into all those core needs that you'd mentioned at the.
00:37:06 Leslie
But if you notice, there's.
00:37:07 Sonali
A theme and I.
00:37:08 Sonali
Feel like there is a theme.
00:37:10 Sonali
Theme for kids #2 number I come from the school of Neurodiverse, the brains that have like maybe
working memory or that overwhelm easily or have a hard time making decisions. But if you notice, even
when I'm when I'm quiet with the.
00:37:27 Sonali
Child and I'm not speaking.
00:37:29 Sonali
What I'm really doing is giving them space for their brain to catch up.
00:37:33 Sonali
When I say can I bring your effort level up?
00:37:36 Sonali
I'm giving them space for their brain to catch up when I have a child in front of me that has told a lie.
00:37:45 Sonali
I am not talking about a lie.
00:37:47 Sonali
Like a lie lie. I'm not talking about. I snuck out the house at 2:00 in the morning and stole the car and
drove away for three hours.
00:37:53 Sonali
Well, you know, we've lit a fire and burned the house down.
00:37:56 Sonali
I'm not talking about like Siri, I'm talking.
00:37:58 Leslie
About like you're like.
00:37:59 Leslie
Did you brush your?
00:38:00 Sonali
Teeth. Yeah. Did you do your homework? Yes. Did you eat dinner? Yes. And the dinners in the garbage.
The best story is my son's friend.
00:38:07 Sonali
I'm calling you out.
00:38:09 Sonali
Whose mom said to me like call.
00:38:11 Sonali
I asked did you eat the doughnuts?
00:38:12 Sonali
And there was powdered sugar.
00:38:14 Sonali
All over his.
00:38:15 Sonali
But of course it comes.
00:38:15 Sonali
No, I.
00:38:16 Sonali
Didn't eat them like it's like it's.
00:38:18 Sonali
Those kind of you know what I'm.
00:38:20 Sonali
Talking about lies and are not funny.
00:38:22 Speaker 3
Yeah, my daughter had one yesterday where she was like she came up to me and and and she was
eating a piece of candy.
00:38:28 Speaker 3
And, like, did she a piece of candy.
00:38:30 Speaker 3
And she said no.
00:38:30 Speaker 4
Ohh and I was like oh.
00:38:33 Leslie
I asked that not the.
00:38:36 Sonali
Right.
00:38:36 Sonali
And then they're.
00:38:37 Sonali
I'm not talking about those.
00:38:39 Sonali
But yeah, but what I do if I find if so, but I know his parents.
00:38:45 Sonali
Again, there's that parenting moment we're going.
00:38:48 Sonali
Why did you lie?
00:38:48 Sonali
Why did you lie now?
00:38:50 Sonali
You're never going to get anywhere with the why?
00:38:52 Sonali
I always say.
00:38:52 Sonali
Here's another little Leslie ISM.
00:38:55 Sonali
OK, I know you're.
00:38:57 Sonali
You're all like sick of my Leslie.
00:38:58 Sonali
But I always say don't focus on the reason focus on the repair.
00:39:03 Leslie
Ohh, I love that right?
00:39:06 Leslie
Yeah, because the relation I think the beauty of a relationship is in the repair, but don't focus on the
reason.
00:39:12 Sonali
Don't. You're going to hit.
00:39:12 Leslie
Focus on the reason.
00:39:14 Sonali
Your head against.
00:39:15 Sonali
do.
The wall 500 times want to know why your kid doesn't know why.
00:39:19 Sonali
We're not going to.
00:39:20 Sonali
Tell you why.
00:39:20 Sonali
And you know what?
00:39:21 Sonali
I know why I'm going to tell you why.
00:39:24 Sonali
Because nine times out of 10, what you asked, your two things.
00:39:28 Sonali
Either it was way easier for them to lie than to do what it is you ask them.
00:39:32 Sonali
Student and this is proven.
00:39:35 Sonali
I've been out this 20 years.
00:39:36 Sonali
Friends do the math of how many kids have passed through my screen and when I go to them, how
00:39:43
Like you know.
00:39:44 Speaker 4
Why do you lie?
00:39:45 Sonali
But just remember, I'm not their parent.
00:39:47 Sonali
So they're going to.
00:39:48 Sonali
Tell me the truth and their response is it's very easier.
00:39:51 Sonali
I'd rather lie and.
00:39:52 Sonali
Take the consequence, then do what it is I'm being asked to do because.
00:39:56 Sonali
That is just way harder.
00:39:58 Sonali
Isn't that interesting?
00:40:01 Sonali
So when I.
00:40:02 Sonali
Catch a child like if so, if you catch a child in a lie I what I want you to do is don't write the number
you can't parent in that moment because again there what you need to do is give them the time for their
brain to catch up.
00:40:16 Sonali
So they're telling you a story that you.
00:40:19 Sonali
Know really doesn't add up.
00:40:20 Sonali
Instead of pouncing what I want you.
00:40:22 Sonali
To do is you know.
00:40:24 Sonali
I'm thinking like what you're telling me, you know, maybe.
00:40:28 Sonali
You're missing some pieces here.
00:40:30 Sonali
Remember, we're not being obnoxious or punitive.
00:40:33 Sonali
What's going to give you about an hour?
00:40:35 Sonali
Well, why don't we sit down in, like, an hour, like or?
00:40:37 Sonali
At 6:00 and.
00:40:38 Sonali
We'll regroup and then that might be give you some time to remember what it is you might want to
tell me.
00:40:44 Sonali
What you've done there is, given your child time to let the brain catch up, and I think that is a theme
for overwhelm.
00:40:54 Sonali
Is when we, when we get overwhelmed, either fight we flight, we freeze or we fit.
00:41:04 Speaker 4
I love that you had the new app.
00:41:08 Speaker 4
Like they had.
00:41:08 Sonali
A good body one.
00:41:08 Speaker 4
You, you.
00:41:11 Sonali
But I'm going to be a little.
00:41:12 Sonali
I'm going to be a.
00:41:13 Sonali
Little clean because there's a fifth one.
00:41:15 Sonali
Or the curse.
00:41:16 Sonali
But whatever we say.
00:41:17 Sonali
But I'm.
00:41:17 Sonali
Not going to do that.
00:41:18 Sonali
So we're going to say fight, fight, freeze or fit.
00:41:21 Sonali
Because when we're caught.
00:41:23 Sonali
Our brain is, you know, weak working memory.
00:41:26 Sonali
I don't know.
00:41:27 Sonali
I'm just gonna.
00:41:28 Sonali
I'm just gonna lie cause it's easier to lie.
00:41:31 Sonali
Right.
00:41:32 Sonali
So we need to let them not pan at that moment.
00:41:36 Sonali
You need to say, you know what, let's give.
00:41:38 Sonali
It a little time for.
00:41:39 Sonali
You to like remember your story.
00:41:42 Sonali
And the movie grew.
00:41:45 Sonali
And now your child hopefully's brain will catch up to to be able to tell you what it is and you and like
I said, you're you're going to focus more on the repair and not so much.
00:41:57 Sonali
On that reason.
00:41:59 Leslie
I love that you brought that up because instead of saying you like, why did you do this?
00:42:04 Leslie
You're saying like what I love to say is, OK, that we're gonna be in this situation again, right.
00:42:08 Leslie
That's gonna happen again.
00:42:09 Leslie
So how do we wanna handle?
00:42:10 Leslie
It like how?
00:42:11 Leslie
How do we wanna move?
00:42:12
Forward with it.
00:42:12 Leslie
Instead of focusing on the.
00:42:14 Leslie
You did this.
00:42:15 Leslie
Which is looking backwards.
00:42:16 Leslie
It's the critical moving forwards looking at the relationship, the repair.
00:42:21 Sonali
I'm looking also on, you know, I hear it all the time.
00:42:24 Sonali
Like, well, Leslie, can my parent, my child.
00:42:26 Sonali
Yes, you can parent your child.
00:42:29 Sonali
Yes, there can be a natural consequence, but also understand that the consequence has to make sense.
00:42:34 Sonali
If your child was asked to do something that they clearly cannot do you saying to them.
00:42:39 Sonali
You can't do XY and Z or get XY and Z until you do that.
00:42:44 Sonali
It's still not going to happen.
00:42:46 Sonali
Right, if they don't.
00:42:47 Sonali
Understand what it is they've been asked to.
00:42:49 Sonali
Do if they don't.
00:42:50 Sonali
Know how to.
00:42:50 Sonali
Do what it they were being asked to do right then all.
00:42:55 Sonali
The consequences in.
00:42:56 Sonali
The world aren't going to fix that.
00:42:58 Sonali
So what I want you to do is just make sure that yes, you can pair it and you can have a consequence.
00:43:04 Sonali
I I'm not a I don't like mine.
00:43:06 Sonali
Don't like it?
00:43:06 Sonali
There needs obviously there's parameters, but.
00:43:10 Sonali
I'm much more about how are we going to clean this up and how do we want to move forward with it
then then then why did it?
00:43:19 Sonali
Why did it happen 100?
00:43:21 Leslie
Right.
00:43:22 Sonali
Percent and the other thing as parents.
00:43:24 Sonali
We really need to think about.
00:43:28 Sonali
And I'm going.
00:43:28 Sonali
To put myself and say that this was really.
00:43:30 Sonali
Hard for me was.
00:43:34 Sonali
We need to make sure we're accepting.
00:43:36 Sonali
Of the truth.
00:43:39 Sonali
Of our children.
00:43:40 Sonali
So then they're not forced to lie.
00:43:43 Sonali
And I don't think we always realize that.
00:43:46 Sonali
That sometimes our child tells.
00:43:47 Sonali
Us the truth.
00:43:49 Sonali
And we know what to say about it, and we don't always like it, right?
00:43:53 Sonali
We're not always happy with the truth.
00:43:55 Sonali
So if you're not willing to hear the truth, understand what the alternative might be.
00:44:00 Sonali
And I know that's a tough thing and I I.
00:44:02 Sonali
Don't know if I'm.
00:44:03 Sonali
If everyone's gonna love me for that, but I don't care because that's really a big thing that I see is parents
will go well, you know, this is what my kid told me and I wasn't happy about it.
00:44:13 Sonali
I didn't like that they said that.
00:44:15 Sonali
Well, I didn't like how that and.
00:44:16 Sonali
I'm like, but they told you the truth.
00:44:19 Sonali
If you're reacting so negatively to the truth, what's the alternative?
00:44:26 Leslie
And I think that was really, really important because that goes back to what we're talking about, you
and I at the beginning is that that permission.
00:44:33 Leslie
To be honest, I think connection is about being that ability to share our truths with ourselves and with
each other.
00:44:40 Leslie
And we're able to do that.
00:44:42 Leslie
And So what you're.
00:44:42 Leslie
Saying is it may be hard.
00:44:45 Leslie
It may bring up.
00:44:46 Leslie
Our emotion when we hear the truth and you can and and just for that moment, practice meeting your
right brain and acknowledging it in yourself that OK.
00:44:59 Leslie
They're telling me the truth.
00:45:01 Leslie
This is hard for me to hear, and they're telling me the truth.
00:45:05 Leslie
Nope, I didn't do my math homework yet.
00:45:07 Leslie
Or no, I didn't study.
00:45:09 Leslie
That's why I didn't.
00:45:10 Leslie
I didn't do well on that test.
00:45:13 Sonali
That's exactly it, though.
00:45:14 Sonali
So imagine how we react to that.
00:45:16 Sonali
Right.
00:45:17 Sonali
And and I'm the first one, I'm calling myself out.
00:45:19 Sonali
So yeah, I want I I want everyone to hear.
00:45:21 Sonali
Me at home say that that was really hard.
00:45:24 Sonali
For me that.
00:45:26 Sonali
You know, the truth was told, but my reaction to it wasn't wasn't.
00:45:31 Sonali
Always good so.
00:45:32 Sonali
Therefore, what was the alternative I was giving?
00:45:35 Sonali
I was giving my.
00:45:36 Sonali
Well, if she's not going to accept the.
00:45:38 Sonali
Truth I might as well lie.
00:45:40 Leslie
Right.
00:45:41 Leslie
And they're not accepting the truth can be like that judgment.
00:45:43 Leslie
Well, why did you do that?
00:45:44 Leslie
Why did?
00:45:45 Leslie
You not do that.
00:45:45 Leslie
Instead of them moving forward and I'm.
00:45:47 Leslie
Raising my hand right along with you, Leslie.
00:45:49 Leslie
Like what do?
00:45:50 Speaker 4
You mean you didn't do that yet?
00:45:52 Speaker 4
And you're like, why?
00:45:54 Sonali
Would I and then and then?
00:45:55 Sonali
The question is, well, why did I tell her that?
00:45:57 Sonali
Look at her reaction.
00:45:59 Sonali
So I I am before you all come at me.
00:45:59 Speaker 4
Right, so that.
00:46:01 Sonali
I'm checking myself at the door going.
00:46:04 Sonali
This was something that I really, you know, there were things that really came like my.
00:46:09 Sonali
Kids are grown and grown.
00:46:10 Sonali
They're really flown and grown like my kids are like adults living alone, full time jobs.
00:46:15 Sonali
The whole 9 yard.
00:46:16 Sonali
But it's an interesting thing to reflect back and go.
00:46:20 Sonali
You know what I could do well and what I felt miserably at and what I sometimes failed miserably at
was hearing them tell me the truth.
00:46:32 Leslie
I'm really glad that you brought this up and in the way that you did and your kids are are grown.
00:46:38 Speaker 4
And my kids are.
00:46:39 Leslie
Still young and what I know and working with myself and with the parents that I support, is that it's
not.
00:46:45 Leslie
About doing this.
00:46:47 Leslie
It's about that practice.
00:46:48 Leslie
It's a being like ohh wait, what did I just say?
00:46:52 Leslie
OK, what do I want to do next time and having that?
00:46:55 Leslie
Aim like looking forward mentality that you're talking about bringing to our kids for ourselves as well,
so not sitting there judging and guilting and shaming and criticizing ourselves when we've done it.
00:47:06 Leslie
Just being like, oh, that wasn't what I wanted.
00:47:09 Leslie
OK, next time, here's how I want to say it, and we can acknowledge that with.
00:47:13 Leslie
Them because that's that the repair.
00:47:15 Leslie
Like whoops, you know something?
00:47:16 Leslie
I'm figuring this out too and.
00:47:18 Sonali
Repair can be on you as.
00:47:20 Sonali
Well, I I have.
00:47:21 Sonali
Many times, many, many times have gone back to my kids and apologized to them over the years and
said.
00:47:30 Sonali
You and I said this.
00:47:31 Sonali
Before we came on that, the thing that really now my my daughter is not more diverse, my my son is.
00:47:40 Sonali
But what really connected.
00:47:42 Sonali
My son to to me and my husband was two things, and I said this to you was was humor.
00:47:49 Sonali
So even though like it might have been a serious conversation and still and humor and, it always always
helped him to like.
00:47:57 Sonali
Focus and sustained effort and like engage and participate if.
00:48:01 Sonali
We can be.
00:48:01 Sonali
Funny, I'm not.
00:48:02 Sonali
I'm not saying I'm funny, but I'm funny, you know.
00:48:04 Sonali
My kids would tell you they hear that I'm funny like that.
00:48:07 Sonali
I actually have the.
00:48:09 Sonali
Other thing was cursing.
00:48:10 Sonali
Now I'm going to say this, and there's a little, but not cursing at them, not calling them names, never
that.
00:48:17 Sonali
Never that not my no.
00:48:20 Sonali
But using curse words in a sentence like Oh my God.
00:48:25 Sonali
Like like you know what is what is this bleeping?
00:48:28 Sonali
And what that would do for my son.
00:48:30
Would be like.
00:48:31 Sonali
Wait, what?
00:48:31 Sonali
And all of a sudden, the brain would.
00:48:33 Sonali
Be like effort level up like.
00:48:35 Sonali
What did she say?
00:48:37 Sonali
Like, not now. Not at 25, I mean.
00:48:39 Sonali
But like when he was like 13 like.
00:48:42 Sonali
Did not just curse.
00:48:43 Speaker 4
And all of a sudden, I.
00:48:44 Sonali
Had this limitation.
00:48:44 Leslie
I've been doing that impact that I think this is important, one that you were mentioning earlier, it was
just modulating like hang on this this thing moms thing it's important and like you said, it's not if the child
is like to say it's it's like.
00:48:59 Leslie
You know.
00:49:00 Speaker 3
It is.
00:49:01 Sonali
And The funny thing is, when, like, he would do it, you know, look, he was young and I would do it.
00:49:06 Sonali
And my husband.
00:49:06 Sonali
Would do it and he.
00:49:07 Sonali
Would do it.
00:49:08 Sonali
School and they would call.
00:49:09 Sonali
I'm like, oh, I know why.
00:49:11 Sonali
And they're like what I'm like.
00:49:13 Sonali
It's fine.
00:49:14 Sonali
Like you know, that's kind of how we do things.
00:49:16 Sonali
But you know what, I.
00:49:19 Sonali
I see that and so many of you out there.
00:49:21 Sonali
I'm hoping, who have children like I had are going.
00:49:24 Sonali
Yes, I know that it works because it did.
00:49:28 Sonali
It worked magnificently and no, they do not grow up doing they.
00:49:32 Sonali
They thought they they do learn where it is appropriate and where.
00:49:36 Sonali
It isn't, but it really did help.
00:49:39 Sonali
To keep him engaged and focused and his effort.
00:49:44 Sonali
So you know what we do, what we have to do, that's just kind of how parenting goes.
00:49:49 Sonali
People, right.
00:49:50 Leslie
And what you're saying is it's.
00:49:51 Leslie
Not you.
00:49:51 Leslie
You're keeping things light, engaged, connected.
00:49:56 Leslie
With it and finding your way to parents and doing it in your way.
00:50:01 Sonali
I don't do it and I I don't.
00:50:03 Sonali
I want I.
00:50:04 Sonali
Want to say this?
00:50:04 Sonali
It's a it's fascinating.
00:50:06 Sonali
To have older.
00:50:07 Sonali
Older kids and that I still the whole like thing I mentioned about topic and time. I still do that with my
my son is 25 he's 25 like he's a glow like you know he's a poorly human. I will do what you call it next text
so to not overwhelm him.
00:50:28 Sonali
If I have a.
00:50:28 Sonali
Question it's one text, one question.
00:50:33 Sonali
So I mean if you could do this with a six year old, an 18 year old, but I do and this is how he doesn't
because I know that if I was to spew 20 questions in a text.
00:50:44 Sonali
I'll never hear from him.
00:50:45 Sonali
It's too overwhelming.
00:50:47 Sonali
So I actually say I I have 5 questions.
00:50:52 Sonali
I'm going to here.
00:50:53 Sonali
Here we go and I'll go question one and I'll ask my.
00:50:59 Sonali
And then I'll, and this way he can respond her question or if I need him, I still say, hey, this is me
texting.
00:51:07 Sonali
Do you have 10 minutes of time to talk about your sister's?
00:51:12 Sonali
Your sister's coming in like, you know, plans for when your sister, you know, because he lives in LA
and I'm in.
00:51:17 Sonali
LA my husband in LA, my daughter.
00:51:19 Sonali
Lives in, you see, but notice what I did there.
00:51:22 Sonali
Topic and time where?
00:51:24 Sonali
Hey, got a notice about your card registration.
00:51:28 Sonali
Can you talk to me for 10 minutes?
00:51:30 Sonali
And literally it'll be one SEC.
00:51:33 Sonali
But if I say hey.
00:51:34 Leslie
Because we made it safe.
00:51:34 Speaker 4
Can I talk to you? He's 25, he.
00:51:37 Sonali
Still, sometimes thinks.
00:51:38 Sonali
What did I?
00:51:38 Sonali
Do what did.
00:51:40 Sonali
I do today so I just want.
00:51:41 Leslie
Right.
00:51:42 Sonali
To say that.
00:51:42 Leslie
It's like it's like if for parents, if you get a message from your kids teacher and they're like, oh, can we
have a chat after school on Tuesday?
00:51:52 Speaker 4
Right.
00:51:52 Speaker 4
I just wanted to say you.
00:51:53 Sonali
Can do these.
00:51:54 Sonali
Things, even as they get older, you can.
00:51:56 Sonali
You can accommodate them and do them even like through texting or how you.
00:52:01 Sonali
Speak to them or sending them down for whatever.
00:52:03 Speaker 4
It is and.
00:52:05 Sonali
That kind of thing. So.
00:52:06 Leslie
And to the point you made earlier, it's a life skill.
00:52:09 Leslie
So you can use it in any relationship.
00:52:11 Sonali
In any way, yeah, yeah.
00:52:14 Leslie
OK, we have chatted clearly, we could keep going and grounded in for parents, the tool for them to try
today in their home and you've already mentioned it.
00:52:25 Leslie
If you can just repeat.
00:52:25 Leslie
It Since they remember.
00:52:28 Sonali
Say I'm sorry I had.
00:52:29 Leslie
The one thing for them to try today, that's alright.
00:52:29 Speaker 4
A hard time.
00:52:31 Leslie
One thing.
00:52:32 Leslie
For them to.
00:52:32 Sonali
Oh, so many I.
00:52:33 Leslie
Try to be in their home.
00:52:35 Sonali
Can I give?
00:52:36 Sonali
Well, I'll give you the one that I love.
00:52:38 Sonali
The most which is preempting topic and time.
00:52:40 Sonali
I love that one.
00:52:43 Sonali
Because it's probably the thing we do the most.
00:52:44 Sonali
Can you come here?
00:52:45 Sonali
Can you come down?
00:52:46 Sonali
Can I talk to you?
00:52:48 Sonali
So that is my.
00:52:49 Sonali
However, my number.
00:52:50 Sonali
One thing for all of you is to try and you.
00:52:53 Sonali
Could do it.
00:52:53 Sonali
Right away, which is just preempt.
00:52:56 Sonali
Topic and time.
00:52:58 Leslie
I love that.
00:52:59 Leslie
So thank you, Leslie, for sharing that.
00:53:01 Leslie
Parents try that today.
00:53:03 Leslie
Hop on into the Facebook group, find this.
00:53:05 Leslie
Please post with and let us know how this lands with you.
00:53:09 Leslie
What happens by bringing that hey, can I talk to you about basketball practice for five or getting to
basketball practice for 5 minutes or.
00:53:18 Leslie
And and pop into the Facebook group.
00:53:20 Leslie
Let us know there reply to an e-mail.
00:53:22 Leslie
Let me know Leslie and I would love to hear from you.
00:53:26 Sonali
Yes, please.
00:53:28 Leslie
This has been an incredible conversation.
00:53:32 Leslie
I appreciate your work so much.
00:53:35 Speaker 4
Before we pop off.
00:53:36 Leslie
There are two things.
00:53:37 Leslie
First, you have any final.
00:53:41 Leslie
Words of encouragement or any last anything that you'd.
00:53:44 Leslie
Like to listen.
00:53:44 Sonali
Yes, I actually one quick thing I it goes.
00:53:48 Sonali
Back to this.
00:53:48 Sonali
Whole as parents, we tend to be fixers.
00:53:52 Sonali
What I want you to kind of walk away with is the the the saying and I want you to say this the mantra
that emotions are not emergencies always.
00:54:01 Sonali
Meaning we don't always have to fix everything, and if and letting your you're letting your child
actually have their emotions and work them out is actually better for them than us rushing in as, Oh my
goodness they are.
00:54:17 Sonali
I have to be there.
00:54:18 Sonali
So if you hear your child maybe crying or your child.
00:54:22 Sonali
Is like frustrated even like punching like his pillow let.
00:54:26 Sonali
As long as he's safe.
00:54:29 Sonali
And everyone around you is.
00:54:30 Sonali
Safe and they're not dismantling property.
00:54:33 Sonali
Allow it.
00:54:34 Sonali
To happen, they need to get to the other side.
00:54:37 Sonali
They need.
00:54:38 Sonali
To allow that to happen.
00:54:41 Leslie
I really appreciate that because I think that is the saying that allows you to do all the time thing that
you've mentioned that you've mentioned in this entire conversation.
00:54:50 Leslie
Emotions are not emergencies, not ours, and not there.
00:54:54 Leslie
So we don't need to go and tell.
00:54:55 Speaker 4
Them what we need to.
00:54:56 Speaker 3
Tell them right away, yeah.
00:54:58 Sonali
Emotions. Yours as.
00:54:59 Sonali
Well, your emotion is not an emergency either.
00:55:02 Sonali
You can hold on to yours.
00:55:03 Sonali
For a little bit too.
00:55:05 Leslie
Thank you, Leslie, for sharing that.
00:55:07 Leslie
And would you tell people about your free gift?
00:55:11 Sonali
Oh, sure.
00:55:11 Sonali
So we didn't talk about school, but we know that school is very overwhelming and and what we have
found in order out of chaos is that everyone shows up, especially for homework with what we call your
own personality and preferences, right?
00:55:26 Sonali
Some, like, quiet, some like noise, some like, long lead times.
00:55:30 Sonali
Some dough, so in the course of my work I have put together what we call a personal homework
profile.
00:55:37 Sonali
It's 16 questions that tap into your child's best practices when it comes to daily homework, studying
projects, whatever it is.
00:55:47 Sonali
So it's on our site, we.
00:55:50 Sonali
Gave you the code.
00:55:51 Sonali
I think the.
00:55:51 Sonali
Code is forward.
00:55:53 Sonali
And you can get it for free, and it's a great tool.
00:55:57 Sonali
I love, particularly as we're in August, it's great to start school with.
00:56:02 Sonali
So this way they can tap into their best practices and hopefully make their environment not as
overwhelming for them.
00:56:10 Leslie
I really appreciate that.
00:56:11 Leslie
So parents make sure to click the link it's on this page, enter that coupon code and download that.
00:56:17 Leslie
That is a gift, and I love that you brought that up because because I've heard you talk about some of
the different and I love that this profile because for some kids music is soothing and for others it may not
be and noticing.
00:56:30 Leslie
What works for each child instead of saying oh, this is the way to do it, saying let's.
00:56:34 Leslie
Figure out your way to.
00:56:35 Sonali
Let's figure out your way to make it less overwhelming, and so therefore you don't have a strong with
like.
00:56:40 Sonali
So please perfectly into into our conversation today.
00:56:44 Leslie
It does.
00:56:45 Leslie
Thank you, Leslie, for.
00:56:47 Leslie
Sharing your wealth of knowledge, your work, your passion, and the focus and.
00:56:53 Leslie
The humor I won't forget.
00:56:55 Leslie
The humor and and thank you for bringing all of you.
00:56:59 Leslie
In the way that you did today.
00:57:01 Sonali
Thank you for having.
00:57:03 Sonali
You are as lovely as the day is long.
00:57:05 Sonali
This was fabulous.
00:57:07 Sonali
Thank you.
00:57:07 Sonali
And thanks everybody.
00:57:08 Sonali
I hope you've gleaned just a little bit of information.
00:57:11 Speaker 3
To take with you today.
00:57:12 Leslie
I'm confident they did.
00:57:14 Leslie
I know I did and thank you and thank you too.
00:57:15 Sonali
Thank you.
00:57:18 Leslie
You parents for being here for opening your heart in your homes to this conversation.
00:57:24 Leslie
We talked a lot about time and we know your time is valuable and precious and we appreciate you
sharing with us.
00:57:31 Sonali
So much bye everyone.