Signature Assignment: Running a Group at BILY
Bryan D. Porter
Touro University Worldwide
MFT618: Group Counseling
Professor Handley
June 27th, 2021
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Organization: BILY (Because I Love You)
What they are known for~
BILY is a Parent and Youth Support Group program based out of Los Angeles,
California. It was founded by a gentleman named Dennis Poncher, who created the program after
experiencing significant family struggles with his own child in the 1980’s. After forming a
parental support group, he found that his life and family were completely changed for the better,
which incentivized him to broaden the support group and create the BILY Organization. BILY is
run completely by volunteers and requires no form of payment whatsoever from its participants
other than participation itself. “Our program works both parents and youth, offering support and
guidance to improve communication, promote structure and cooperation in the home, and
achieve our goal of family preservation. Meetings are run completely by volunteers, and they are
a place where families can find support without judgment or feeling embarrassed by situations
they may feel they have no control over” (BILY, 2021). They are a non-profit, and claim to have
worked with over 700,000 parents and families “free of charge”.
They have no religious affiliation (which is relatively uncommon for free support
groups), and seek to help any and all parents, of any age, in assisting with their children. “Our
support group meetings are attended by parents who have children (of all ages) with behavioral
issues such as a negative attitudes, truancy, drug and/or alcohol abuse, running away, and verbal
and physical abuse” (BILY, 2021). They postulate that it is often difficult to make the “right”
decisions as parents, because often there is no clear “right” decision in the first place. By
providing support from other parents, BILY can help a struggling parent to see and embrace the
imperfect, yet well-intentioned and loving dynamic that effective parenting can embody. They
create clear disciplinary structures for parents to apply at home, some of which may seem strict,
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but BILY encourages parents to reinforce any of these rules with the understanding that it is
because they love their children. Personally, I’m not the biggest fan of their name; as a teenager,
“Because I Love You” would sound a bit too condescendingly sentimental to me—but I love the
group’s intentions!
Why I would like to work with them~
While I am not the biggest fan of their name, the ultimate intentions and structure of
BILY is something I deeply appreciate. First of all, while it does me little good as an MFT trying
to make a living, I really appreciate that the group therapy itself is free of charge, and
community-based. Rather than relying on one particular instructor (or set of instructors), the
program allows for BILY groups to be set up anywhere, anytime, and is run by the parents
themselves. “We are not counselors; rather we are concerned parents helping parents. Every one
of us has faced situations that were beyond our control and were tearing our family apart. We
have experienced the same or similar problems with our own families that you may be
experiencing right now. We have “been there” and can understand; and because the Because I
Love You program helped our families, we now give back to help others” (BILY, 2021). While
it is implied in this statement that a counselor has no role BILY groups, further investigation
showed me that many groups do a have a leader with some kind of therapy/clinical background.
The groups themselves most align with a Solutions-Focused Brief Therapy, which may not
involve much unpacking of past traumas, but does require a certain level of knowledge and
expertise to regulate. While, as the leader of a BILY group, I would not be considered an
“expert”, I would still be well-suited for the position, in that I have a background in SolutionFocused Brief Therapy, and could be a knowledgeable hand to guide with. While I do not
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currently have children, I plan to have children soon, and I have several younger siblings whom I
have helped to take care of when they were growing up.
Selected Mode of Therapy- Reality Therapy/Solutions-Focused Brief Therapy
Were I to run a parental support group with BILY, I would utilize their current strategies
that align with Reality Therapy and Solutions-Focused Brief Therapy. Reality Therapy argues
that "we choose our behaviors to satisfy unmet needs. And in order to meet these needs, our
behavior must be determined by internal forces. If our behavior is influenced by external factors
like people or situations, it will result in psychological problems" (Nunez, 2020). This is
particularly relevant for struggling parents, because so often rules and regulations of parenting
are challenged because of the “external factor” of the child’s response to these rules and
regulations. Children generally spend most of their childhood constantly around their parents;
they see their parents at their best and worst, become familiar with their parents’ strengths and
weaknesses, and learn how to operate around them. This is ultimately an excellent human skill
(adaptation); however, particularly in teenage years, children can become very effective at
altering their parents decision-making, and embodying a strong “external factor” in terms of
parenting. They frequently test the boundaries of rules that are set, become capable of arguing
for and against parental logic, and develop desires that inevitably contradict the structures of
safe, effective parenting. With Reality Therapy, parents can see that their rules must be set
independently from child influence. Furthermore, Reality Therapy would argue for consistency;
rather than making decisions based off of past traumas or fear of future repercussions, Reality
Therapy says it is best to look at all influences in the present, and to make decisions that have
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consistent outcomes. In terms of parenting, this means clear rule-setting that has consistent
consequences and/or rewards for the child the rules are placed upon.
The BILY website establishes a pretty clear set of rules for groups to follow. They refer
to them as the “10 Steps to Success”. They are:
1- I will be number one
2- I will no longer feel guilty
3- I will not share in my child’s crisis
4- I will learn to let go
5- I will make the rules
6- I will follow through
7- I will keep the lines of communication open
8- I will always avail my family of resources and materials
9- I will work towards a more realistic family life
10- I will become active in a parent support group (BILY, 2021)
Many of these steps align with Reality Therapy. All the steps seek to eliminate any preconceived notions about what a “perfect” family is, and instead encourages clear effort, selfforgiveness, and encouraging autonomy for children. After all, it is impossible to control a
child’s every action; however, it is entirely possible to set them up for success by encouraging
good behavior, and providing clear/consistent consequences for poor behavior. Even when strict,
this consistency shows a commitment to the ultimate health and well-being of the child. As long
as each of these steps is taken with an intention of love and care, it will help to influence the dayto-day reality of the child in a positive way, creating a groundwork for strong familial
relationships.
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As Reality Therapy relates significantly to Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, I will be
taking most of my group exercises from the SFBT playbook. “Solution-focused brief therapy
(SFBT) places focus on a person's present and future circumstances and goals rather than past
experiences. In this goal-oriented therapy, the symptoms or issues bringing a person to therapy
are typically not targeted” (GoodTherapy, 2018). Because SFBT does not focus on symptoms or
issues, most of its exercises seek to construct clear goals for future interactions, with
support/clarification of those goals coming from the group as a whole. Solution-Focused Brief
Therapy is also useful in a group setting, because it does not require people to go into great
length about the history of their issues. Most group sessions only last for about an hour, which
would quickly become unfairly slanted towards one individual if “typical” therapeutic techniques
were used. Instead, I will utilize more group-lead, solutions focused techniques that allow for
everyone to participate. These techniques include Goal Setting, Rule Establishing, Asking
Coping Questions, and utilizing “The Miracle Question”. I will discuss these techniques more
specifically in the below treatment plan.
5 Session Treatment Plan (Interventions and Goals)
Session 1- Introductions and Goal Setting
The goal of this session would be to meet and greet all of the members, and to introduce
some basic standards of practice (trying not to interrupt each other, providing feedback with
permission, etc.). Each group member would then be given 5 minutes to describe what they feel
is their greatest strength as a parent, their greatest weakness, and what has brought them to the
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group. The group would end with each parent writing out a distinct set of 3 goals that they
wished to accomplish within the timeframe of these 5 sessions.
Intervention technique:
Goal Setting- This is, quite simply, writing out 3 specific goals. They would be phrased such as,
“At the end of these 5 sessions, I would like my family to ______”.
Session 2- The “Miracle” Question
The goal of this session would be to refine the goals we established in the previous group,
and to publicly consider the best ways to accomplish these goals. This would be done through
the use of “The Miracle Question”. This technique is a standard of Solution-Focused Brief
Therapy, and asks “If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had happened, fixing all of your
issues, what would your life look like?” This question is a creative way for people to consider
what they want without limiting thoughts. It helps to develop a clear vision of the future you
would want. The group would then split into smaller groups to discuss their personal visions, and
how the group thinks it would be easiest to accomplish that vision. The group leader (me) would
encourage people to identify with the personal strengths they brought up in the first session, and
recall they are a consistent resource for us.
Intervention Technique“The Miracle Question” (as described above)
Session 3- Asking Coping Questions
The goal of this session would be to reveal more personal strengths as parents, while
always keeping in mind the goals set by our “Miracle Question” goals. Each group member
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would select one of the biggest areas of difficulty they were facing in their parenting life. They
would then be asked how they manage to cope in these difficult situations. What allows them to
get through the hard stuff, regardless of how well or not they feel they got through it. They
would then be asked to share these two items with the group. This technique is called “Coping
Questions”, which help to show people the hidden strengths that we often overlook in ourselves,
as we use them in times of hardship and self-doubt. “Coping questions ask about how clients
somehow manage to keep going despite the adversity they face. For example, someone who is
suicidal obviously has not killed himself yet. Someone living with chronic pain is enduring it
somehow. In spite of a terrible childhood, a client manages to get through the day and take care
of her baby” (NBTTC, 1995).
Intervention TechniqueCoping Questions (as described above).
Session 4- Setting Established Rules
The goal of this session would be to establish specific rules for each parent’s personal household,
and to commit to posting those rules in the house for the family to see. This technique is a
standard of BILY session practice. Adolescents rely on consistency and clarity in effective
parenting; writing out specific rules for the household and establishing clear
rewards/consequences for following or disobeying those rules is an important step in regulating a
household as a parent, regardless of how “difficult” family members are being.
Each group member would share their list of rules, and commit to posting them in their house.
Intervention TechniqueRule Setting (as described above).
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Session 5- Saying Goodbye and Continuing Education
In this last session, the goal would be for each member to establish both areas of clear
growth, and areas they feel still needed some more work/guidance with. Each member would
share both of these items, while other members offer words of encouragement and support.
Further group resources would be provided, such as any other BILY groups members could join,
as well as specific resources for any parent who was dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts,
drug addiction, etc. We would then say goodbye to each other.
Intervention TechniqueHighlighting Strengths/Affirmations, Providing Continuing Education resources (as described
above).
How would I get the word out about this group?
BILY has quite a large presence already, which means getting the word out is already
done quite well by the organization itself. On BILY’s website, there is an entire page devoted to
media coverage. In 2020, they were featured in an NBC News segment discussing proper
parenting during stay-at-home Covid orders. Over the last 5 years, they have been featured in
over 10 News segments and journals, referencing their work with struggling adolescents (BILY,
2021). In promoting the group by word of mouth, I would highlight their effective track record in
using Solutions-Focused Brief Therapy, as well as the entirely volunteer aspect of the groups. I
find that not paying for the group makes it truly feel like a community service that should be
utilized.
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How will I lead?
It has been surmised that there are three different types of dynamics at play in group
therapy- "Individual dynamics, interpersonal dynamics, and group as a whole dynamics. The task
of the group leader is to integrate these components into a coherent, fluid, and complementary
process, mindful that at all times there are multiple variables, such as stage of group
development, ego strength of individual members, the population being treated, group as a whole
factors, and individual and group resistances, that influence what type of intervention should be
emphasized at any particular time in the group" (Bernard et al., 2008, p. 456). Put simply, an
effective group leader must have an intuitive sense of how each group member operates both as
an individual, and as part of the whole. They act as an effective facilitator and clarifier, without
taking an “expert” stance on anything. As a leader of a group, I would highlight that the expertise
in the group came not from me as a counselor, but from the cumulative experience and
knowledge of the group itself. As the saying goes, two heads are better than one; in group
therapy, several perspectives can reveal all the sides of a parents struggles and strengths,
allowing for more confident navigating of difficult issues.
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REFERENCES:
Bernard, H., Burlingame, G. Flores, P., Green, L., Joyce, A., Kobos, J.C., Leszcz, M., Semands,
R., Piper, W.E., Mceneaney, A., & Fierman, D. (2008). Clinical practice guidelines for group
psychotherapy. International Journal of Group Psychotherapy
GoodTherapy Editor Team. (2018, August 3). Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT).
GoodTherapy.Com. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/solution-focusedtherapy
Nunez, K. (2020). What is reality therapy and choice therapy. Healthline. Retrieved from
https://www.healthline.com/health/reality-therapy
Northwest Brief Therapy Training Center. (1995). Coping Questions.
Http://Www.Nwbttc.Com/Cq.Html. http://www.nwbttc.com/cq.html
Because I Love You: Parent and Youth Support Groups. (n.d.). Www.Bily.Org. Retrieved June
27, 2021, from https://www.bily.org/