Strengthening Relationships
A Life Skills Workshop
Presented by
Student Counseling Services
“To have a friend, be a
friend.”
“Friendship is not won by the
giving of things, but by the
giving of the heart.”
--- Roy Lessin
Relationship: the state of being
related.
Related: 1. connected by some
understood relationship. 2. connected
through membership in the same
family.
The key is CONNECTION.
Relationship Assumptions
1. Successful relationships are basic to
successful living.
2. Keeping relationships healthy deserves a
high priority.
3. Your marriage or significant other is your
most important relationship.
4. You can learn to understand how to make
your relationship work.
Types of Relationships
• Family relationships
• Occasional (“anonymous”) relationships –
clerks, waiters
• Casual relationships (acquaintances) – some
people at work, professors, classmates
• Friendships – people with whom you seek
interactions, whose company you enjoy
• Romantic relationships – passionate,
emotional connection, usually reciprocal
Aspects of Friendship
•
•
•
•
•
•
Keeps confidence
Loyalty
Warmth/affection
Supportiveness
Frankness
Sense of humor
• Willingness to make
time for me
• Independence
• Good conversationalist
• Intelligence
• Social conscience
Six Rules for Friends
•
•
•
•
Share news of success with a friend.
Show emotional support.
Volunteer help in time of need.
Strive to make a friend happy when in
each other’s company.
• Trust and confide in each other.
• Stand up for a friend in his/her absence.
Development of a Close
Relationship
•
•
•
•
Zero contact
Stage 1: unilateral contact
Stage 2: bilateral contact
Stage 3: mutuality
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Cliché
Conversation
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Cliché
Conversation
Facts,
Other’s
Ideas
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Cliché
Conversation
Facts,
Other’s
Ideas
Your
Ideas
& Opinions
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Cliché
Conversation
Facts,
Other’s
Ideas
Your
Personal
Ideas
Information
& Opinions
Intimacy in Communication
Person 1
Person 2
Cliché
Conversation
Facts,
Other’s
Ideas
Your
Personal
Ideas
Information
& Opinions
Feelings
About Each
Other Now
Close Relationships
•
•
•
•
Relatively long-lasting
Frequent interaction
Mutual activities
Impact of interactions is strong
“Marriage is not just a
‘happily ever after’ ending,
but a lifetime of
‘I choose to love you’
beginnings.”
--- Matt Anderson
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
Dr. John Gottman
“A lasting marriage results from a
couple’s ability to resolve the
conflicts that are inevitable in any
relationship.”
Styles of Marriages
• Validating
• Volatile
• Avoidant
Validating
• Listen and understand each partner’s point
of view
• Value other while disagreeing
– more like problem-solving discussions
– negotiate compromises
• Value “we-ness” of relationship
• Risk: passionless arrangement
Volatile
• Fight on grand scale--make up on grand
scale
• Highly engaged with each other
• See selves as equal parties in relationship
• Easily express feelings, opinions, &
thoughts
• Risk: slide into too much fighting
Avoidant
•
•
•
•
•
Conflict minimizers
Agree to disagree--shove it under the rug
Low level of companionship
High degree of autonomy
Risk: Encountering problem too big to
avoid
Emotional Ecology
• Need to strike a balance of positive/negative
– magic ratio: 5 to 1
• Healthy marriages represent three ways of
adapting to achieve the balance
• Unhealthy marriages which do not adapt
can be recognized by warning signs:
– “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”
Four Horsemen of The
Apocalypse
•
•
•
•
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Criticism
• Attacking someone’s personality rather than
behavior
• Blaming & accusing
– “You…” statements
• Different from Complaining
– “I…” statements
• Present to a degree in all relationships
Contempt
• Criticism with intention
– deeper, more personal attack
• Includes
– insults & name-calling
– hostile humor & mockery
– body language
• Results in decay of admiration or positive
feelings for partner
Defensiveness
• Elicited by criticism & contempt
• Includes:
–
–
–
–
denying responsibility
--making excuses
disagreeing with mind reading --yes-butting
cross complaining
--Rubber man/woman
repeating self
--whining
• Result: obstructs communication--conflict
escalates
Stonewalling
• Communication shutdown
• Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness
• Found in men more than women
Cycle of Negativity
• Four horsemen are hard to tame
• If unchecked, downward spiral/cascade
occurs
• Flooding occurs--system overload
• Chronic flooding leads to distance/isolation
cascade
Strategy for Improvement
•
•
•
•
Calm down
Speak nondefensively
Validating Partner
Overlearning--try & try again